Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 34

The Three Statements Every Loved One Wants to Hear

On the night before his father died, Jeff Kemp sat at his dad’s bedside and asked for a blessing. His dad, Jack Kemp, had stood strong in the pocket as an NFL quarterback. He had stood tall as a member of congress for the state of New York and as one of President Reagan’s cabinet members. He exuded confidence as a vice presidential candidate.

But now he was flat on his back, stricken by cancer, tired and weak. His son asked him to do one final, great act. Jeff wanted his father’s blessing.

Jeff himself had been cheered by tens of thousands as he played quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. He had heard the praises (and occasional boos) of people from all walks of life. But now, he desperately wanted the blessing of one elderly dying man.

Jack reached out, touched his son and prayed, “Dear God, please help Jeff realize his talent. Help him realize the force for good he can be in this world. And help us both to remember the only thing that matters is, ‘Thy will be done.’”

In his book, Facing the Blitz, Jeff writes,“He did it, even in the deepest pain, the toughest blitz, the final moments. Dad affirmed my identity by calling out my strengths and tying them to a vision for my life. It was in his DNA to encourage, to affirm, to lift.”

Looking back, Jeff could have remembered his father in his glory moments—playing professional football in front of tens of thousands, walking through the halls of Congress, seated among the cabinet members during the State of the Union address, or waving his hands to the cheering crowds who welcomed him on a presidential campaign stop.

Instead, Jeff’s mind goes back to when Jack was at his weakest physically, with just hours left to live. In the private quiet of that hospital room Jack gave his son Jeff his most cherished memory.

Like me, you probably have never played quarterback in the NFL. You may never have served in congress, been a cabinet member, or on a presidential ticket. But also like me, having done none of that, we can each give our children something even better than any of those impressive credentials: we can give them our personal blessing.

The challenge is we think blessings more than we speak them. And we usually presume on future time to get them out. Why wait? If these words are so meaningful, impactful, and memorable, why wait a decade or more to give a gift that can nourish our loved ones today?

About the tenth time someone lamented to me, with deep hurt, “My entire childhood, I never heard my parents say, ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you,’ or ‘I believe in you,’” I made a resolution: my children will hear those phrases, not just once, but many times.

If the lack of these three powerful statements scar so many for life, imagine the power these three statements have to release abundant life today:

“I love you.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“I believe in you.”

And when we talk about blessing, let’s not forget our spouses. We can be quick with “I love you,” but “I’m proud of you” and “I believe in you” touch a different region of their souls. Spouses usually need a bit more specificity:

“You work so hard for us.”

“I couldn’t get through this gathering without you.”

“You were a rock when I needed you most.”

Those of us who still have our parents can pass the blessing upwards, even if we’ve never received it ourselves. Just about every parent knows they have failed in many ways. When children say “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” and “I believe in you,” they’ve given their parents the best present their troubled consciences can receive.

A life of blessing others is itself a blessed life. Whether you are blessing your children, your spouse or your parents, if ever you can say, “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” or “I believe in you,” do so, soon and often! 

The post The Three Statements Every Loved One Wants to Hear appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Walking Away at Work

One of the things I like best about writing books is hearing how creatively they’ve been applied. As a pastor, writer, and speaker, in many ways I live in a rather small world—and struggle sometimes to come up with clear applications for people from other walks of life. So I love getting emails like this:

“I’m a fifty-something entrepreneur embedded into a family business that is pulling me apart. I’ve endured years of gaslighting and manipulation within my family and by my employees. Yes, my own employees are empowered to gossip and demean me, while my business partners look the other way. Thanks to your book When to Walk Away, I’m no longer ‘turning the other cheek.’ I listened to chapter 10: Man on a Mission this morning on the way into work and I realize that knowing my mission and not letting toxic individuals distract me from that is so freeing and refreshing. I still have an uphill battle to climb, but I’m not relying on my own strength to get me through this. Thanks so much Gary.”

I don’t normally post entire chapters, but seeing how just this one chapter impacted a man’s life, I thought this week we’d go ahead and give away the entire chapter, as it has several examples of what it means, as a believer, to “walk away” from toxic people at work.

10

A Man with a Mission

If only Satan were lazy.

He’s got just about every other evil cornered, excelling at the worst of the worst. It would be so convenient if he also tended toward sloth, but alas, he does not.

Not even close.

Nor do his followers, apparently.

To be given a mission from God is to be surrounded by many aggressive opponents and hyper-active enemies. Their attacks are clever, creative, and varied. Toxic people use blatant aggression and passive aggression. They pretend to be our friends and then, when that doesn’t work, threaten us as enemies. They act like they want to protect us and then try to control us. They hit from the left and when that is blocked they will come at us from the right.

Keep in mind, merely distracting you is a win for them. If they can’t ultimately defeat your work, they at least want to delay your work. 

Our job, based on Matthew 6:33 and 2 Timothy 2:2, requires us to maintain a laser sharp focus with wisdom, discernment and determination.

One of the all-time best conquerors of a pervasive toxic attack is Nehemiah, who in the fifth century B.C. felt called by God to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Nehemiah’s deft and brilliant handling of the toxic people who opposed him lays out a wise, spiritually sensitive pattern for how to deal with malicious adversaries.

The Call

In case you don’t know the backstory: Jehoiakim, King of Judah rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon in 586 B.C. with disastrous results. Babylon’s army destroyed Jerusalem and burned its famous temple to ashes. Not quite fifty years later, Cyrus of Persia defeated the Babylonians and gained control of what had been Jerusalem. He gave the Jewish people permission to return to the city site in 536, and a newer, smaller version of the temple was rebuilt and dedicated in 516.  

Rebuilding an “economy version” of the temple was a small, largely religious gesture and didn’t create much friction or attention from the surrounding people. Jerusalem was still sparsely populated, a tiny outpost at best. Ezra sought to change this and led 1500 men and their families to re-settle and essentially re-populate Jerusalem in 455 B.C.

About a year later, Nehemiah, cup-bearer to King Artaxerxes, sought for and received permission to leave the king’s presence and rebuild Jerusalem’s wall. Though rebuilding the temple hadn’t stirred up any enemies, Nehemiah’s determination to rebuild Jerusalem’s wall unleashed vicious and murderous toxic attacks.

The natural question to ask is “why?” Why was rebuilding the wall (as opposed to the temple, which had been completed sixty years prior) so significant?

The temple had religious significance, which wasn’t a particular threat to the Persians, but a wall around Jerusalem had political significance. It was a civic statement as much as it was a religious one. That’s why it required the permission of the ruling king, which Nehemiah received from Artaxerxes.

One of the lessons from this is that civic leaders, doing civic work, are “seeking first the kingdom of God” every bit as much as religious workers. If God is behind your effort, and God is your motivating influence, and God is the one you’re seeking to please, you are indeed seeking first his kingdom even if it’s not church related. Civic change can actually be more threatening to some toxic opponents than religious reformation. As long as you “keep it within the walls of the church” they’re fine. Act like God wants to influence society? You better stay alert.

Stop!

As will be the case with many true works of God, toxic individuals rose up with a feverish passion to stop Nehemiah, asking him for a “meeting.”  

Sanballat and Geshem sent me this message: “Come, let us meet together in one of the villages on the plain of Ono.”[i]

            Toxic people may sound reasonable. How could Nehemiah refuse a meeting? After all, aren’t God’s followers called to reach out to others? What could be wrong about getting together for a chat?

Mission minded people don’t have time for sentimental foolishness. Nehemiah saw though the façade to these men’s real intentions and refused the meeting. Here’s why:

But they were scheming to harm me; so I sent messengers to them with this reply: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?” Four times they sent me the same message, and each time I gave them the same answer.[ii]

Nehemiah recognizes this entreaty as a distracting toxic attack, not a good-faith effort. He lives in the truth and applies discernment. A senseless meeting isn’t worthy of his time. Rather than wasting effort getting into a silly spat, he puts it in utilitarian terms, essentially saying, “I’m too busy to be distracted by you.”

The toxic enemies are persistent. They live to wreak havoc. Instead of finding purpose and focus by seeking the Kingdom on their own, they spend their time attacking others who are building the Kingdom. They rarely take “no” for an answer, as we see here. They follow up with three additional appeals, trying to wear Nehemiah down.

This is a warning worth heeding. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m personally particularly weak when this happens to me. I can tell somebody “no” once, sometimes with a lame excuse, and when I’m at my best perhaps I’ll say “no” twice, but I usually buckle the third or fourth time, out of false guilt and a prideful people-pleasing attitude.

Not Nehemiah!

He stays true to his work and call. Sanballat responds to Nehemiah’s final refusal by resorting to threats:

Then, the fifth time [how annoying!], Sanballat sent his aide to me with the same message, and in his hand was an unsealed letter in which was written: “It is reported among the nations—and Geshem says it is true—that you and the Jews are plotting to revolt, and therefore you are building the wall. Moreover, according to these reports you are about to become their king and have even appointed prophets to make this proclamation about you in Jerusalem: ‘There is a king in Judah!’ Now this report will get back to the king; so come, let us meet together.”

      First, the request was for a “reasonable” meeting. Then it escalated into a threat—and we have a witness! “If you don’t do what we want you to do, the wrong people are going to hear about this—and you’ll surely pay.”

As if Nehemiah was doing something wrong.

When a toxic person doesn’t get his or her way, their next gambit is often to make your motives sound sinister. They will lie to others about why you won’t meet. They will insist you stop what you’re doing and interact with them or else pay the price. They will seek to enlist others to pressure you. Toxic people often excel at recruiting others in their distracting wars when they can’t distract you one-on-one.

Why do they care? You’re their mission! You’re seeking first God’s kingdom, they’re seeking first to distract you. I know, it doesn’t make much sense. But you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense out of toxic attacks. They don’t make sense. They are petty and small-minded. If everyone devoted themselves to seeking first God’s kingdom, we wouldn’t have the motivation or time to devote ourselves to toxic attacks against others.

“Alecia” experienced this “distracting dynamic” in a relationship with a co-worker. The co-worker deluged Alecia with pleas for personal help regarding issues outside the office. As a believer, Alecia did all she could to help, but soon realized that things were getting out of hand. She wasn’t able to help Jennifer, and Jennifer’s entreaties were getting in the way of Alecia’s own work. As Alecia tried to pull back, Jennifer charged forward, sending Alecia “six page single-spaced” emails and “eleven minute” phone messages. If they weren’t answered immediately, there’d be a sob story about how hurt Jennifer was that Alecia wasn’t there for her when Jennifer needed her.

Soon, Alecia was worn out and couldn’t get her work done. She spent as much time trying to avoid Jennifer as she did focusing on her own responsibilities.

Here’s a warning: we Christians often feel guilty for getting “worn out” with someone, assuming we’re just being selfish, but getting worn out handling toxicity makes us weaker and more distracted in our call to fulfill God’s mission for our lives.

Alecia finally did what healthy people do—she established some boundaries.

“Jennifer,” she said, “we’re not going to have personal conversations any more. Let’s keep our communication on a professional basis.”

Any healthy person would see this as a reasonable request in the workplace and comply.

Not Jennifer.

A few days later, other co-workers started approaching Alecia with “concerned” inquiries about how she could be so unfair to Jennifer.

“Jennifer was so hurt, Alecia. She feels like you’ve abandoned her and she doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. And you won’t talk to her about it.”

Alecia was beside herself and wanted a pastor’s advice.

“Alecia,” I asked, “how do they know you don’t want to have long personal conversations with Jennifer? Did you tell them?”

“No.”

“Did they overhear you talking to her?”

“No.”

“So the only way they know is that Jennifer gossiped to them.”

Most people get that gossip is toxic. My use of that word was deliberate, as it appeared to me that Jennifer was being clever and sly. In fact, she did know what she had done wrong. Alecia had been clear and professional. Jennifer just didn’t like Alecia’s conclusion and like toxic people do, tried to make everything sound unclear and muddled as she gossiped about Alecia behind her back.

Alecia needed to understand that Jennifer was still being toxic. She aimed to control Alecia’s time and attention. It was a clever attack—enlist others to make Alecia feel like she’s not acting like a believer—but it was still an attack, and Alecia needed to treat it accordingly.

“Just say, ‘listen, it’s obvious Jennifer has talked to you about this because I haven’t. Who’s acting like the Christian here? Does the Bible tell us to go behind someone’s back when we don’t get our way? And why are you listening to gossip?”

I then urged her to rely on her reputation in the face of this recent attack. “Ask them, ‘Do I seem malicious in any other relationship? Have you found me to be uncaring?’”

Here’s the blatant trap you need to be wary of: Some people will want to waste your time and drain you by using a false sense of neediness. When that stops working, they don’t give up. If they can’t make you sympathize, they will seek to make you defensive. They’ll attack so you’ll want to defend yourself. What’s going on is that they just want your attention. They want to keep controlling a slice of your time, effort and energy. Whether you sympathize with them or are angry with them doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you notice them and spend time interacting with them.

As we saw earlier, it’s really all about control. Again, it doesn’t always make sense. It seems ridiculous that someone else would make it their mission to distract you from your mission, but that’s what toxic people do.

I didn’t understand this earlier in my ministry. I wanted to help everyone. When I realized I was in over my head on certain occasions and tried to pull back (I’m not a trained counselor or professional theologian and have many limitations on my intellect and understanding), the toxic people figured out, “I can still have a relationship with him if I attack him, because he’ll respond to that.”

It’s a sick and disturbing relationship, but to them, it’s still a relationship and as a toxic person, they kind of enjoy it.

Don’t fall for this trap. Keep your eyes opened to the warped and twisted attack Sanballat was waging against Nehemiah. No reasonable person would believe that Nehemiah was doing what he was doing to proclaim himself king. Toxic people lack real mission so they create false missions.

Nehemiah was motivated by love, faith and obedience. Toxic people are motivated by selfishness, hatred and conflict. You can’t win when you’re interacting with them because you’re both playing entirely different games. The rules aren’t even the same. So do what Nehemiah did:

I sent him this reply: “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”

They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”

But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”

When people distract you from your mission to God, find refuge in God: “strengthen my hands.” Instead of talking to them or wasting your time with them, double down on prayer. Get God’s heart, courage, comfort, and affirmation. Why waste time trying to placate a toxic person (as if you could stop their hatred anyway) when you could spend time receiving love and instruction from the God of the universe?

One of the best defenses against toxic attacks, then, is seeking what John Climacus called true meekness, “a permanent condition of that soul which remains unaffected by whether or not it is spoken well of, whether or not it is honored or praised.”[iii] As we’ll see at the end of this chapter, the goal is a soul oriented around God’s approval, entirely free from either toxic assaults or empty flattery. We have one boss—our heavenly father—and our focus should be on pleasing him, wanting to hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Pleas didn’t work with Nehemiah. Threats didn’t work either. So next his enemies pretended to be friends who wanted to “protect” him from others:

One day I went to the house of Shemaiah…who was shut in at his home. He said, “Let us meet in the house of God, inside the temple, and let us close the temple doors, because men are coming to kill you—by night they are coming to kill you” (6:10).

“Shemaiah” is a religious name, most often given to Levites, prophets and priests. The context here suggests that this Shemaiah is a prophet. Tobiah and Sanballat went for “religious cover” to detract Nehemiah from his God given calling. They had warned him of political ramifications (“we’re going to tell the king”); Nehemiah didn’t fall for it, so now they’re bringing in the religious argument: “Surely you’d listen to a prophet…”

In order to “protect” himself, however, Nehemiah would have to do what? He’d have to suspend his mission! There’s no way this man of God was going to be fooled by that.

But I said, “Should a man like me run away? Or should someone like me go into the temple to save his life? I will not go!” I realized that God had not sent him, but that he had prophesied against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. He had been hired to intimidate me so that I would commit a sin by doing this, and then they would give me a bad name to discredit me (6:11-13).

Nehemiah knows he’s dealing with clever toxic people, but he doesn’t become obsessed with them. That would be yet another trap. Instead, he simply commits them to God. No slander, no gossip, no malice. Just prayer:

Remember Tobiah and Sanballat, my God, because of what they have done; remember also the prophet Noadiah and how she and the rest of the prophets have been trying to intimidate me (6:14).

Sadly, “church” people can be just as toxic as non-church people, as demonstrated here by Shemaiah and Noadiah. Nehemiah wisely recognizes that it’s not his job to launch a campaign against them or get them unseated. That, too, would be a distraction. Best just to pray for them and let God take it from here. After all, they’re supposed to represent God in the first place.

Finished

The end result of Nehemiah’s focus, determination, and adept handling of toxic opposition is a stunning and stupendous victory.

 So the wall was completed on the twenty-fifth of Elul, in fifty-two days (6:15).

It’s really quite extraordinary that Nehemiah and his workers were able to finish the wall around Jerusalem in just fifty-two days. It begs the question, why wasn’t the wall built decades sooner if it could be done in less than two months?

The answer is simple: prior to Nehemiah, no wise, discerning, mission-minded person was willing to push past the toxic people who were adamant that the wall not be built. Mission minded people can accomplish a whole lot in a shockingly short amount of time when they stay focused and don’t allow toxic people to distract them.

The best way to confound toxic people is to ignore them while you complete the work they want to stop. Serve God faithfully and zealously, and let them commiserate with the devil when their own plans fail. 

The Real Witness

Now, notice something spiritually spectacular. By not being distracted by the toxic people’s pleas, by avoiding their threats, by not being drawn into false entreaties of friendship, Nehemiah served the toxic people more in resisting them than he would have by giving in to them.

How so?

Nothing puts toxic people back on their heels like watching a godly servant stay true to their calling and accomplish God’s work. It’s inspiring:

When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God (6:16).

The best thing you can do to “witness” to a toxic person is stay focused on your task, refuse to be distracted or play their games, pray instead of gossip, and then get the work done. Find the reliable people God has called you to invest in. Accomplish that task that you know to be urgent. Then they will see that God is God, and they are not. That’s the message they most need to hear. That’s the best way for you to “witness” to them. If toxicity “works” for them, they’ll never leave their toxic strategies behind. The best thing you can do for a toxic person who unjustly opposes you is to make sure they fail in distracting you from your God-given mission. “Testify” to them with God-empowered and God-breathed success.

Here’s how warped toxic opposition is: when a toxic person directs you and distracts you, they are seeking to become your god with a little “g” (once again, it’s about control). They want you to be directed and motivated by them! “I will plead with your good nature; if that doesn’t work I will threaten you; if that doesn’t work, I will pretend I’m your friend and try to trick you; I will enlist others, civic and religious authorities, to back me up; but I am determined that you will eventually do what I want you to do!”

A servant of God says in response, “I serve the one true God, not you. I do his will, not yours. I am driven by his mission, not your attacks. You are not my god and I will neither serve nor pay attention to you.”

This is a lesson toxic people need to learn.

One More Try

One final lesson from Nehemiah: toxic people often refuse to admit defeat. Such was the case with Nehemiah’s enemies. Later on in his book we read, “Tobiah sent letters to intimidate me” (6:19).

Even after the wall was completed, Tobiah wouldn’t let it go, and that points out another potential trap: if toxic people can’t stop your mission, they will set out to distract you while you are maintaining your mission.

Your job is to continue to ignore the toxic people and find the reliable ones to invest in. Listen to what the wise Nehemiah did in light of this ongoing attack: “I put in charge of Jerusalem my brother Hanani, along with Hananiah the commander of the citadel, because he was a man of integrity and feared God more than most people do.”[1]

Nehemiah had found his “reliable people” qualified to teach others, and that’s who he focused on, and so should we. Why waste time arguing with a toxic person who only wants to distract you, when you can join forces with someone who “fears God more than most people do” and advance the work?

The End Result

Nehemiah’s faithfulness and skill in handling toxic people resulted in many people praising God. Ezra led a worship service of all Jerusalem’s citizens, now meeting behind a secure wall. Here’s how Nehemiah describes it:

“Ezra praised the Lord, the great God; and all the people lifted their hands and responded, “Amen! Amen!” Then they bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground.”[2]

Instead of trying to make toxic people happy or satisfied (which is a waste as they can’t and won’t be mollified), live to help reliable people serve and worship God. Our joy is to open up new avenues of worship with people who want to reverence God. Rather than living to make toxic people feel good about us, let’s live to make reliable people excited about God.

The book of Nehemiah ends beautifully, even poetically, with a verse that has changed my life focus. After coming to a clear understanding of a problem (Jerusalem exposed, without a wall), accepting the mission to secure it, learning how not to be distracted or defeated by toxic opponents, investing in reliable men to carry on the work, and leading an entire nation into a new season of worship, Nehemiah reveals his heart’s true desire:

“Remember me with favor, my God.”[3]

We will be most helpful to God when we care exclusively about how God remembers us, and learn not to care about how toxic people view us or talk about us. We have one God—the Creator God—and it is idolatrous to let little “gods” direct us, dissuade us, or even distract us.

When Focus on the Family broadcasts one of my interviews, it’s a happy couple of days. Books on Amazon get a big boost, people remember you exist and often post nice things about what you said on Twitter or Facebook, and everybody is happy.

Well, not everybody.

There’s a woman who apparently believes her mission in life is to troll Facebook, find someone who says anything nice about me, and then set them straight about how awful I am, how destructive my books are, and how no one should ever listen to anything I say.

In my weaker moments I have responded, wanting to explain things to the original person who made the post, helping them understand what’s really going on. But then the detractor responds again and it gets messy.

I finally signed off by writing to the woman in question, “I’m not going to argue with you. Anyone can see the way you’ve treated me and how I have never responded in kind, and let God be the judge between both of us.” In this case, I clearly sensed God telling me to spend my time and energy writing one helpful sentence for a blog or book (investing in reliable people) rather than waste even ten more seconds trying to counter her attacks. She feeds off conflict. It’s what makes her come alive. And I’m not helping anyone by enabling that.

Most of the time, I listen to God and move on, but I’m weak enough that sometimes I give in and engage again (if you notice me doing that in the future, feel free to refer me back to this chapter).

Nehemiah 13:31 has become my new go-to Scripture for these tempting seasons: “Remember me with favor, my God.”

That’s all that matters. Not what she thinks about me. Not what others on social media think about me. We should all live to be remembered with favor by God. Live to hear your Creator, Lord and Savior say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Let’s learn to focus, fulfill our mission, resist the distractions, and live to be remembered with favor by the one true God.

And that means saying “no” to the toxic distractors.

[1] The New International Version. (2011). (Ne 7:2). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[2] The New International Version. (2011). (Ne 8:6). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[3] The New International Version. (2011). (Ne 13:31). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[i] Nehemiah 6:1-2.

[ii] Nehemiah 6:2-4.

[iii] Climacus, pg. 146.

The post Walking Away at Work appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Wring Every Drop

If I could say one thing to myself twenty-five years ago, it would be this: “Gary, raising children is a season. It won’t last forever. Enjoy it!”

I always knew there would be an end to active parenting, but it seemed so far away. There were glimpses, however. Once, I was walking through a mall when I saw a little girl run up to her dad, his arms laden with packages.

“Daddy? Will you carry me? My legs are tired.”

The young father sighed, moved all his packages from one hand to the other, and scooped up his little girl into one arm.

That’s when it hit me: the days when I carried one of my children through the mall because their little legs were too tired to walk were gone forever. They had slipped away so slowly, so stealthily. A once weekly occurrence hadn’t happened for several years.

How I wish someone had told me, “Gary, this is the last time you’ll get to carry one of your kids through the mall. Take a mental snapshot of this moment. Relish it. Taste it. You’ll never experience it again.”

In a desperate, comical attempt to recapture what was lost, I returned home and asked my then 12-year-old daughter, “Kelsey, can I carry you through the mall one last time?”

You can imagine how a twelve-year-old girl would respond to that.

One day you’re looking for a changing table, a crib, a clean diaper bag, becoming familiar with the smells of baby wipes and Aquaphor; the next day you’re buying a bed that looks like a car, or decorating a room to make it look like a castle; then you’re purchasing shin guards or ballet slippers or a violin; one month later, it feels like you’re actually talking about whether to buy or rent the graduation gown (never buy the graduation gown).

And then it’s over.

The house goes quiet.

The backseat of your car is actually clean: no Cheese-its; no sippy cups. No fast food wrappers or sweaty uniforms. In fact, you can go 5,000 miles without anybody ever sitting in the backseat.

I wish I had known that all those vacuum jobs I used to hate were markers of rich family times. Instead of resenting the task, I wish I had spent more effort remembering why the car got dirty.

It’s hard to believe, but our now married son, who, after graduation worked on Park Avenue in New York City, and then for a large foundation in Seattle, graduated with an MBA and now is back in New York City with an executive-level position.

There was a time when we just wanted to get Graham to pee into a toilet bowl.

My wife had tried everything, but Graham preferred the diaper. Lisa looked at me one day and said, “You’ve got to do something.”

I drew a picture of a fire on a piece of toilet paper, threw the toilet paper into the bowl, and yelled, with great urgency, “Hey, bud, come here and put out the fire!”

Graham took one look at that fire and did what a fireman has to do…

Is it possible to miss toilet time?

I love it that I can call Graham and discuss Plato’s Symposium. I cherish that I can ask him to evaluate the financial company that is handling our IRA. But part of me still misses a little boy just learning to “put out the fire.”

The night before Graham got married, Lisa walked into our hotel room crying. “What’s the matter?” I asked.

“That’s the last time in my life that I get to give Graham a goodnight backrub. Those were some of our favorite times together.”

“Why are you so sure it’s the last time?” I asked.

“I can’t imagine walking into his bedroom with his wife lying next to him and giving him a backrub before he goes to sleep again.”

“Good point.”

To be honest, there were some evenings at the end of long days that Lisa really did not feel like giving Graham a backrub; today, she’s glad she took advantage of every one.

If God offered my wife and me an entire month of luxury accommodations and an unlimited budget to explore Europe, or one weekend back in our tiny townhouse when the kids were all young and money had to be counted by the pennies, driving that same old minivan that always died if we turned too sharply to the right, we’d both take the weekend with our little kids, without even hesitating.

Young parent—this is a rich season. It’s tiring. It’s messy. It keeps you awake, but someday, like us you just might be willing to trade a luxury vacation to get one of these weekends back.

Lisa and I recently got to watch our granddaughter for a week when her nanny was on vacation. It was exhausting. We treasured every minute but slept hard at night and were a little ready for a “break” at the end of the week. So I don’t want to sentimentalize raising small children non-stop. It’s a lot of work. A ton of work. But one day, looking back, I promise you, you’ll miss that work. You may not want to go back entirely, but you’ll be thankful for it.

So, how do we learn to appreciate what we have too much of?

Take some breaks as a couple. Get away as a couple at least once a year. If your marriage always gets the leftovers of time and affection, you’ll start to resent your children instead of treasure them.

Provide time every week for each spouse to pursue a reasonable hobby. It may be just once a week, but your spouse needs time away to burn off stress. 

Less is more. If every kid gets to do everything he or she wants, you’ll run out of time, money, and energy. If you’ve stopped enjoying your family, the first question to ask is, “are we too busy?” The second is, “what do we need to cut out?” However, don’t cut your time together as a couple or your one time away each week to recover as an individual parent.

These are just a few very minor suggestions intended to preserve the sweetness of this season, which will end. My prayer is that you wring every drop of joy and delight from it before it does.

The post Wring Every Drop appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Francis of Assisi’s Noble and Wise Warning to Preachers and Teachers

Over the past few years we have witnessed what happens when gifted people pursue knowledge and influence without developing the character to back it up. I don’t need to list the names; you know them, and there will undoubtedly be many more. One has to start wondering if our “system” of church—what we promote and what we value—is contributing to such a regular output of scandals.

In the ancient Eastern Orthodox Church, humility was valued even over education when “qualifying” someone for ministry. The thinking was that anyone could get a degree but it takes genuine spiritual experience to walk in humility. Education is essential to “rightly divide the word of truth,” but connecting leadership with humility instead of education on its own is a brilliant emphasis. Three times the Bible says, “The Lord opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Proverbs 3:34; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5). Arrogant people use people—for financial gain, sexual pleasure, or ambitious pursuits—and ambitious people are the kind who are often drawn to the biggest endeavors like megachurches and public ministries. I am not by any means saying all pastors of megachurches are ambitious—I’ve met many humble leaders in my travels—but I am saying that large enterprises in general draw ambitious personalities. And the Christian culture certainly offers a bit of “fame” that can feed proud pursuits. It is a rush to have a large room full of people hang on your every word.

When ambition and power are joined, a person is living on the precipice of temptation, just where he or she is likely to be weakest. In many circumstances it seems like it’s only a matter of time until the fall occurs. One megachurch pastor rather recently took his own advice when he limited his leadership of such an endeavor to less than a decade, saying “it’s perilous to a pastor’s soul to stay longer than that.” Some hearty few can no doubt prove to be the exception (again, there are many I admire who have led large churches for decades), but I honor this man’s humility in recognizing the inherent danger of such a position and acting accordingly. It is as divine to give up power and influence as it is human to strive after and cling to it.

To counteract the allure of pride, Francis of Assisi was rather stingy in giving Franciscan monks the permission to preach. He made it clear, and we would do well to consider this today, that wanting to preach isn’t a license to preach. In The Earlier Rule Francis urges anyone in authority not to grant permission to teach “indiscriminately.” He is emphatic that no brother should simply assume it for himself or hang on to it with ambition. “No minister or preacher should appropriate to himself the office of preaching, but he should set it aside without any protest whenever he is told.”

In Francis’ mind, the choice of when you start preaching or retire from preaching isn’t yours alone.

Interestingly enough, as we debate the role of women in ministry today, Francis was particularly wary about Franciscan men having authority over women. “Absolutely no woman should be received to obedience by any brothers, but once she has been given spiritual advice, let her perform a penance where she will.” Many women were drawn to the charismatic figures of the early Franciscan preachers, and Francis was adamant that no brother use his charisma, teaching or counsel to gain personal favors with any of these women. The brothers could teach or give counsel, but they must not, under any circumstance, be put in a place of power that could be abused. Francis appears to have feared the influence these women might have on the brothers (one act of “fornication” and they lost their habit and were kicked out of the order for good) but he was at least as equally concerned about the effect the men might have on the women. 

Francis saw the ambition and pride inherent in teaching in a way that should sober every preacher. Scripture itself tells us that not many should presume to be teachers as teachers will be judged more strictly than most (James 3:1). Francis warns anyone who assumes this dangerous calling: “Therefore in the love which is God, I beg all my brothers who preach, pray, work, whether cleric or lay, to strive to humble themselves in all things and not to take pride in themselves or to delight in themselves or  be puffed up interiorly about their good works and deeds—in fact, about any good thing that God does or says or works in them and through them.”

He begs.

When is the last time an elder mentor warned young church planters about pride as much as they taught about fundraising, leadership, and lust management?

Focus on the Savior

Francis urges us to pivot from thinking about how God is using us to remember the shame of our “vices and sins.” Appropriate shame reminds us we needed and still need a Savior, which keeps the focus on what Jesus did for us rather than what we do for others. Thus, we’ll keep preaching the works of Jesus instead of ourselves. Rather than use our sermons to convince others we are on the “right side” of the issues, we will use our sermons to exalt Jesus as the true and only Savior, Lord, and King.

Francis saw humility as the foundation of faith, and pride as the greatest enemy of our souls. He feared pride and clung to humility as a castaway adrift in the ocean clings to his life preserver. Yet how many of us cultivate pride by engaging in self-promotion and seeking further advancement that makes us more, not less, vulnerable to pride? Sadly, we fear obscurity more than we fear pride.  

Francis urges us to be vigilant and exhaustive in our pursuit of humility: “All of us must beware of all pride and vainglory. And let us keep ourselves from the wisdom of this world and the prudence of the flesh. For the spirit of the flesh desires and is most eager to have words, but cares little to carry them out.”

In this Francis explains that disaster is waiting to happen in the gap between what a person teaches and lives. Motivating or inspiring people with your words but not with your character is exactly the opposite of what each one of us should strive for, yet I don’t know of any self-aware teacher who wouldn’t admit that this is what he or she struggles with most. We put far more effort into our presentations than our practice. We want every word of our message to count in a way that perhaps we do not care if every hour of our life counts. 

The demonic nature of ambition and pride is that they can use something so glorious and good like ministry for evil aims—ambition, control, fame, profit and even, occasionally, sexual pleasure. Our flesh “does not seek a religion and holiness in the interior or spirit, but it wishes and desires to have a religion and holiness outwardly apparent to people. And these are the ones of whom the Lord says, ‘Truly I say to you: They have received their reward’ (Matthew 6:2). But the Spirit of the Lord wishes the flesh to be mortified and despised, worthless and rejected. And it strives for humility and patience, and the pure and simple and true peace of the spiritual person.”

Are today’s leaders known for their humility, patience, peaceful demeanor, and purity? Or something else?

Francis isn’t known for either his writings or his preaching. His most popular work, the “Canticle of the Sun” is famous perhaps more because of who Francis was than the power it possesses on its own. Almost all Franciscan scholars believe he never said his most famous saying! (“Preach the Gospel; if necessary, use words.”) So it’s not surprising that Francis teaches us (paraphrasing), “Don’t impress me with your words; live an interior life of humility.”

Though I am an embryo compared to Francis’ own spiritual development, this focus on character is why I wrote The Glorious Pursuit: Becoming Who God Created You to Be, which catalogues the ancient discipline of practicing the virtues of Christ. Learning and leading without pursuing character is a trap. If we become better speakers or leaders without becoming better people, we’re setting ourselves up for a fall.

It’s not an accident that, when I describe each virtue, humility is the only one to receive two chapters. The ancients (not just Francis of Assisi) considered humility to be the “queen of the virtues,” a character trait that is emphasized throughout Scripture. Learning is good and holy and sacred. Teaching is wonderful. Building an organization that leads many to faith and disciples those who already have faith is glorious. But leading and teaching without pursuing humility and character plays into a hostile enemy’s plans. He can play the long game, letting us build a huge edifice over decades, only to burn it down in a week.

Please don’t think Francis’ words are limited to those in “professional” ministry. If you have any influence in this world—as a parent, a recognized “wise” friend, a teacher, an employer, a blogger, a celebrity, a politician—you are sabotaging everything you hold dear if pursuing character isn’t near the forefront of your life ambitions. The “glorious pursuit” is for everyone who wants to live a life of integrity.

In the end, a life of character is a life that lives to exalt Jesus above ourselves. Pride makes us focus on ourselves—how we’re treated, how we’re followed, whether we’re listened to, or how secure our power base is. That’s narcissistic and even demonic. Humility reminds us that we need Jesus, others need Jesus, and life is about exalting Jesus.

I have a Scripture in my church office just to the left of my computer screen, reminding me that everything I write and say should be based on this: “Make known His deeds among the people; make them remember that His name is exalted” (Isaiah 12:4). Every sermon, book, or blog post we write should have as its goal the exaltation of His deeds, and making others exalt and remember His name, not ours.

I’ll let Francis have the last words. After warning of pride, he launches into the end of all ministry (parenting, friendship, and church):

“Let us refer all good

To the most high and supreme Lord God,

And acknowledge that every good is His,

And thank Him for everything.

He from Whom all good things come.

And may He,

The Highest and Supreme

Who alone is true God,

Have and be given and receive

Every honor and reverence,

Every praise and blessing,

Every thanks and glory,

For every good is His,

He Who alone is good.”

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Plant Love to Find Love

Moving from the Pacific Northwest to Houston, Texas meant learning how to run in humidity. Growing up as a Seattle boy, I knew how to run in all kinds of rain (and had three different raincoats for three different types of rain). But you can’t dress for humidity. All you can do is suffer.  

On a ninety-nine (literally) percent humidity day, it felt like I weighed twenty-five pounds more than I did and that I was breathing with half a lung. The first three miles were painful. I still had three more to go, so I decided to do something counter-intuitive: I picked up the pace.

I decided that if I was going to be miserable, I should at least be miserable while getting in a higher quality workout rather than merely slogging through another three miles. At the end, I felt exhilarated, encouraged that I actually got in a rather high-quality run.

Some of you may face a situation in your marriage in which you feel like you’re living in ninety-nine percent humidity. You’re just “slogging through.”  The miles are slow, painful, and sluggish. It feels awful. You can keep plodding, or…you can pick up the pace.

How do you do that?

One of the great classic Christian writers wrote, “Where you lack love, plant love, and you will find love.” By “picking up the pace” I mean, plant love. Do something extraordinary for your spouse even as you are disappointed in him or her. Pray for them more than you normally do. Speak kind words. Encourage him/her. Ask God how you can serve them this very day.

Violet learned this principle at a young age. Her mom was frequently ill and much of the housework fell on her. But Violet never cleaned anything “right” or put things away in the right place. Her mom could be vicious with criticism. Finally, at the end of a long day of being criticized half a dozen times and generally being at odds with each other, Violet looked at her mom lying on the couch and said three words she hadn’t heard her mom say in years: “I love you.”

If Violet had yelled at her mom, her mom would have yelled back. But “planting love” broke through to her mom, who said, “I’m so sorry honey. I don’t deserve you. I love you, too.”

When Violet grew up and got married and her husband seemed too busy to notice her and too frustrated to appreciate her, she decided to “plant some love.” She told her husband she wanted a two-hour lunch date. He grudgingly agreed. When she picked him up, she drove him to a hotel instead of a restaurant, and when he saw the new lingerie she was wearing under her dress, he felt like a total fool for acting like agreeing to the long lunch date had been doing her a “favor.”

That two-hour date changed the course of their marriage for the next several months.

Aaron’s wife Anna was so busy with the kids that he felt like a complete after-thought. Anna worked out of their home and never had enough time. Aaron felt slighted (because he was), and a common refrain he kept hearing from his wife was frustration over their home Wi-Fi signal, which kept dropping and interrupting Anna’s work. He talked to a tech guy at work, hired him to come over on a Saturday, and put in an entirely new system that was far more reliable.

When he came home the next Monday, his wife hugged him at the door. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she said. It was the first time in months she had touched him as he got home from work instead of launching into a diatribe about which kid (or repair) needed his attention. Aaron planted love, right when he felt most slighted, and found love.

I’m not suggesting or promising that this will work in every marriage and every situation. But learning to “plant love” when you need love is worth a try. If you feel like you’ve been “married in humidity” for far too long, don’t just keep plodding along; pick up the pace. Love extravagantly. It may not change your spouse, but it will change you. And that’s something.

Why “planting love” is worthwhile even if it doesn’t “work”

When we’re disappointed in a spouse, it’s easy to forget that God wants to work on both of us. It’s rarely the case that one spouse is entirely wrong and the other spouse is entirely right. And even in the extremely rare circumstances when this might be true, we’re still responsible to respond in a holy way even to unholy behavior: “Now finally, all of you should be like-minded and sympathetic, should love believers, and be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you can inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9).

Planting love is how we “give a blessing” in the face of disappointment or letdown. Even if this strategy doesn’t improve your marriage, it’ll improve you—and that’s a win! You’ll be an obedient son or daughter who honors your Heavenly Father.  In God’s economy, learning how to plant love where we need love, regardless of whether it “works,” makes complete spiritual sense.

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More of Satan’s Devices Exposed

Thomas Brooks, Part 6

Finally, finally, we’re wrapping up our series on Thomas Brooks’ book Precious Remedies Against Satan’s Devices. If you’re relieved, I think Satan might be even more so, as Brooks exposes his lies and machinations with brilliance and clarity. These devices are from the appendix. I have no idea why Brooks relegated them to the appendix, as they seem every bit as pertinent to me as the main sections, but here you go.

Device 1: Satan wars against us by bombarding us with thoughts about the greatness and vileness of our sins so that we become discouraged and heavy laden

Remedies:

i. Consider that the greater your sins are, the more you stand in need of a Savior.

To me, this is one of the key “spiritual survival skills” that earnest Christians must learn: allowing even our sins to draw us into worship, as our sins remind us of our need for a Savior and into the realization that Jesus is the perfect Savior. We value that which we know we need, and if we sinners need anything, we need a savior. Which, of course, means we need Jesus.

ii. Remember the promise of grace and mercy to returning souls.

iii. Remember that the greatest sinners have obtained mercy and therefore you may obtain mercy, like Manasseh.

Manasseh was the 14th king of Judah. He lived an egregiously wicked life and led Judah astray, but repented later in his life and returned to the Lord.

iv. Remember that Jesus has never refused the worst of sinners who are willing to receive him, believe in him and rest upon him for happiness and blessedness.

v. The greater sinner you are, the dearer your return to Christ will be to him, as the dearer we pay for anything, the dearer that thing is to us.

vi. Consider that the longer you keep off from Christ, the greater and stronger your sins will grow.

vii. Consider that there is nothing in Christ to discourage the greatest sinner from believing in Him, and everything in Christ encourages the greatest sinner to believe on him.

Has a more beautiful sentence of Christian faith ever been written outside of Scripture itself? This must certainly be a candidate for that title.

Device 2: Satan reminds sinners of their unworthiness and seeks to get them to focus only on that

Remedies:

i. Nowhere in Scripture does God require any worthiness in the creature before believing in Christ.

ii. No one ever believed in Christ and embraced Christ without being unworthy.

iii. If you wait until you are worthy, you will never embrace Christ.

“God has laid up all worthiness in Christ, that the creature may know where to find it, and receive it.”

iv. Recognize that wanting to bring worthiness to Christ reveals pride and folly.

Device 3: Satan discourages sinners from finding salvation by pointing out their lack of preparation and qualifications

Remedies:

i. Many unqualified souls have been brought to Christ, whether through law or grace.

ii. Numerous Scriptures testify to unprepared and unqualified souls embracing Christ.

iii. Nowhere does Scripture require such preparations and qualifications.

iv. The necessary qualification, being sorry for our sin, comes from faith in Christ rather than being a prior requirement to go to Christ.

Device 4: Suggesting Christ’s unwillingness to save

Remedies:

i. Christ’s journey from heaven to earth is evidence of his willingness to save.

ii. Divesting himself of his glory, the trouble Jesus went through to save us, sending ambassadors to reach you, his complaints against those who refuse him, and his joy and his delight in the conversion of sinners are additional evidence of his willingness to save.

Device 5: Satan tempts the sinner to spend more time thinking about “secret decrees and counsels of God” than his own duty.

Remedies:

i. Satan doesn’t know what he’s talking about; he doesn’t know who is truly elect.

ii. Focus on what your role is.

Seven Characteristics of False Teachers

Men-pleasersThey cast discredit and reproach on Christ’s most faithful ambassadorsThey vent their own visions from their own heads and heartsFalse teachers focus on the minor doctrines and miss the greatest thingsFalse teachers cover their falsehoods with clever teaching and fair speechThey are more concerned with gaining followers than helping people live better lives

Isn’t it astonishing how relevant this word is almost four hundred years after it was written?

They “make merchandise of their followers”

Ditto to what I said in point six!

Six Propositions Concerning Satan and His Devices

While Satan does tempt us, don’t lay all your temptations on SatanSatan is behind most sinsSatan must have “double permission” before he can do anything against us: from God and ourselvesOnly spiritual weapons will be effective against Satan (don’t depend on yourself)Scriptural names for Satan reveal his nature: accuser, adversary, tempter, dragon, etc.God will soon tread down Satan under the saints’ feet

Ten Special Helps and Rules Against Satan’s Devices

Walk by the Word of GodDo not grieve God’s Holy SpiritLabor for more heavenly wisdomMake immediate resistance against Satan’s first motions. “It is safe to resist, it is dangerous to dispute.”Labor to be filled with the Holy SpiritKeep humbleKeep a strong, close and constant watch on your soul. “A sleepy soul is already an ensnared soul.”Keep up your communion with God. “A soul high in communion with God may be tempted—but will not easily be conquered.”Don’t engage Satan with your own strength—but daily draw new virtue and strength from the Lord Jesus. “Your strength to stand and overcome must not be expected from graces received in the past—but from the fresh and renewed influences of heaven.”Be much in prayer

If you’d like to purchase Thomas Brooks’ book for more detailed study, you can find it HERE (Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.)

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Satan’s Devices to Destroy and Ensnare all Sorts and Ranks of People in the World; Part 5

Two things:

First, I realize there’s been a couple weeks hiatus here at the blog. I spoke at Lovesong in Maui two weeks ago, and though I had written blog posts in advance for while I would be gone, I took a full two weeks off from writing while I was there, so there was nothing in the hopper when I got back. It has been a long time since Lisa and I have gotten away like that, and we loved it as much as we felt we needed it.

Second, I’m probably more than trying your patience by taking so long to get through Brooks’ “Remedies.” There’s actually going to be a part 6. If you’re getting beyond bored, just know that we are happy to refund every penny you paid to subscribe… But seriously, it’s such rich content, even though I’m putting it in outline form, and the kind of material that contemporary books almost never address. We’ll get to more traditional kinds of blog posts soon enough.

Satan’s Devices to Destroy and Ensnare all Sorts and Ranks of People in the World

Device 1: Satan’s seeks to make “the great and honorable” focus on themselves (instead of living for God) and to seek their own advancement (instead of God’s Kingdom)

Remedies:

i. Remind yourself that self-seeking is a sin which opens the doorway to many other sins; self-love is the root of the hatred of others.

ii. Self-seeking abases a man and strips him of all his royalty and glory.

The irony is, when we live for our own earthly glory, we decrease in eternal glory. We gain what doesn’t matter and lose what really does matter.

iii. Dwell on the curses and woes from Scripture that denounce self-seeking

iv. Remember that self-seekers are self-losers and self-destroyers

v. Dwell on the famous examples of worthy saints that have denied themselves and preferred the public good before their own particular advantage

vi. Consider that self is a great hindrance to divine things.

“There is nothing that speaks a man to be more empty and void of God, Christ, and grace, than self-seeking.”

Device 2:  Satan inspires people to go to war against the saints to discourage and quiet the saints

Many Christians today feel that they are being warred against, and that the battle is actually heating up. This is nothing new for God’s church, and Brooks provides a warning to those who would go to war against believers, as well as an encouragement for those who are believers.

Remedies:

i. Remember that all who have engaged against the saints have been ruined by the God of saints.

ii. Remind yourself of the Scriptures where God pledges to stand by and for his people and to make them victorious over their enemies

iii. Remember that to engage against the saints is to engage against God who is in union with them

iv. Those who are tempted to war against the saints should consider that they are in debt to the saints for many mercies they enjoy and for God holding back many judgments they would otherwise receive.

“Many a nation, many a family, is surrounded with blessings for the Josephs’ sakes who live therein, and are preserved from many calamities and miseries for the Moses’, the Daniels’, the Noahs’, and the Jobs’ sakes, who dwell among them.”

Device 3: Satan seeks to ensnare the learned and wise by making them proud in their abilities or to rest in their abilities rather than in God

Remedies:

i. Remember that you have nothing other than what you have received from God.

ii. Consider how so many learned and wise men were ruined due to their gifts.

“He who leans only upon the bosom of Christ, lives the highest, choicest, safest, and sweetest life.”

iii. Consider that you may have greater abilities but others have greater grace and holiness.

“You may be higher than others in gifts of knowledge, utterance, and learning, and those very souls may be higher than you in their communion with God, in their delighting in God, in their dependence upon God, in their affections to God, and in their humble, holy, and unblameable walking before God. Is it folly and madness in a man, to make light and slight of another, because he is not so rich in lead or iron as he, when he is a thousand times richer in silver and gold, in jewels and in pearls, than he?”

iv. The best way to lose your gifts or have them tarnished is to take pride in them

Device 4: Satan attempts to get saints to fight saints, devouring and biting one another

I grieve over the self-righteous fighting going on at a feverish pace between Christians online. These brothers and sisters think they are doing the Lord’s work, but the spirit with which they wage war against fellow believers betrays something else. Brooks called them out on it hundreds of years ago!

Remedies:

i. Dwell more upon one another’s graces than upon one another’s weaknesses and infirmities

ii. Remember that love and union enhances our own safety and security.

“We shall be invincible if we are inseparable.”

iii. Dwell upon the commands calling us to love one another

iv. Dwell more on where you agree than where you differ

v. Consider that the Spirit is a Spirit of Peace and the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy and peace (Gal. 5:22)

vi. Keep peace with God and you will keep peace with his saints

vii. Dwell much upon that near relation and union that is between you

viii. Dwell on the miseries that inevitably follow discord.

“The disagreement of Christians is the devil’s triumph”

ix. Remember that it is an honor on you to be the first to seek peace and reconcilement

x. We will walk in harmony when we “walk together in the ways of grace and holiness so far as they do agree, making the word of God their only touchstone and judge of their actions.”

xi. Be much in self-judging.

“There are no souls in the world who are so fearful to judge others as those who do most judge themselves.”

xii. Labor to be clothed with humility

Device 5: Against Poor and Ignorant Souls “There are none so easily nor so frequently captured in Satan’s snares as ignorant souls. Ignorance is the mother of mistake, the cause of trouble, error and of terror; it is the highway to hell, and it makes a man both a prisoner and a slave to the devil at once.”

Remedies:

i. Consider that an ignorant heart is an evil heart

ii. Ignorance is deformity of the soul

iii. Ignorance makes men the objects of God’s hatred and wrath

iv. Remember that ignorance is a sin that leads to all sins

We’ll conclude our look at Brooks’ work next week by covering several appendices.

If you’d like to purchase Thomas Brooks’ book for more detailed study, you can find it HERE (Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.)

The post Satan’s Devices to Destroy and Ensnare all Sorts and Ranks of People in the World; Part 5 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

An Incompatible Marriage that Glorifies God

We often hear compatibility described as the be-all and end-all of a happy, successful marriage. Admittedly, if God said to me, “Gary, I’m going to give you the easiest marriage and the easiest life anyone has ever known,” I wouldn’t be disappointed. But what if your marriage could testify to God’s power and not just your compatibility as a couple?

When we are motivated by the magnificent obsession (I discuss this in A Lifelong Love as seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, according to Matthew 6:33), we tend to set our sights higher. In 2 Corinthians 12:7–10, Paul speaks of being tormented by a “thorn” in his flesh. Three times, Paul pleads with God to remove this thorn. Three times God replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul finally reaches the point where he says:

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What if, instead of telling everyone how good we have it at home, we honestly testified that it is God’s grace alone that keeps us together?

“We’re really not compatible at all, but God has used our differences to build in us humility we wouldn’t have otherwise.”

“We’ve never been comfortable financially, but that has kept us on our knees.”

“We got married young, and the fact is, we both want different things out of life. But God is giving us the grace and power every day to unite our hearts and keep us together.”

“Blending two families has been brutal at times. Neither of us believes we could have survived it without God giving us the strength day by day.”

Is there a “thorn” in your marriage relationship that you have pleaded with God to take away? Is there something you wish He would heal but hasn’t? What if that’s exactly where God wants you to glorify Him?

It is in our weaknesses—as individuals and perhaps as couples—that Christ’s power comes to rest on us. Often it is only when we come to the end of our own strength that we make way for God to begin. If God resolved every person’s issue, every child’s problem, and every spouse’s annoyance with our first uttered prayer, we would be weaker saints. We’d be weaker couples. We wouldn’t display the power of Christ. Or we’d display it to a lesser degree.

Can you thank God for that child who keeps you on your knees? Can you recognize why God may choose to allow the possibility of another addictive lapse to keep both of you living in dependence? Can you understand that the Father may not remove some difficulties you hate because He wants you to rely on the supernatural power of Christ whom He loves?

I believe it will change our marriages and our walks with God if we stop expecting every problem to be “fixed” and instead expect every difficulty to help us learn Paul’s secret of strength in weakness and dependence on God.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

This blogpost is an excerpt from Gary’s newly revised and updated book A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion Into Your Marriage. I want to thank those who click on these links and buy these books, as it helps makes these free blogposts possible.

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Satan’s War to Discourage Believers; Thomas Brooks, Part 4

This is part 4 of a 5-part series of blogs summarizing the message of Thomas Brooks’ Precious Remedies Against Satan’s Devices. Brooks lists Satan’s most common strategies to discourage, defeat and bring down a believer, and then offers practical suggestions to combat Satan’s spiritual warfare.

Satan’s Devices to keep Saints in a Sad, Doubting, Questioning and Uncomfortable Condition

Device 1: Satan urges us to think more about our sins than about our Savior.

This is a trap many good, earnest and sensitive believers fall into. They start to focus on the gravity of their sin more than the grace of their Savior. Our hope, strength, and future are all tied to Jesus, not our behavior. There is a time to weep, but we should worship more than we weep.

Remedies:

i. Though Christ may not have freed us from the presence of sin, he has freed us from the damnatory power of sin.

You will still stumble, but that stumble will not define you or damn you.

ii. Though you may not be entirely free from the vexing power of sin, you are free from the reign and dominion of sin.

iii. Keep one eye on the biblical promises of remission of sin while you look upon the inward operations of sin.

Live by the truth of Scripture over your experience. Even if it doesn’t feel like you are freed from sin, hold on to the promises of Scripture that say you are.

iv. Look at all your sins as debts charged to Christ that have been fully paid.

v. Remember that God allows us to struggle against sin to keep us humble and to make us mindful of our need for divine help, to wean us from the world, and to make us long for Christ and heaven.

vi. We should repent for being discouraged by our sins.

Device 2: Satan tempts us to question grace simply because we may lack assurance of grace.

Remedies:

i. Consider that there may be true faith with no assurance.

ii. God defines faith solely as receiving Christ.

iii. You can have true faith amidst much doubtings.

iv. Since assurance is an effect of faith, it cannot be faith.

Device 3: Satan tempts the soul to make false inferences from disappointed prayers

Remedies:

i. Remember that many things may be contrary to our desires, which are not contrary to our spiritual and eternal good.

God loves us so much, and cares so well for us, that He may allow us to be disappointed in Him while knowing that what He is doing is best for us. He cares for our soul more than He cares for our attitude toward what He is doing.

ii. Consider that the hand of God may be against a man, when the love and heart of God is much set upon a man.

What God does is not always an accurate account of what He feels for us. This is due to our lack of understanding, not God’s eccentric ways.

iii. Every disappointment that falls on a saint is for a nobler good that God intends to confer upon him or her.

iv. All the strange, dark, deep, and changeable providences that believers meet with, shall further them in their way to heaven—in their journey to happiness.

Device 4: Satan suggests our graces are counterfeit

Because Satan doesn’t want us to be encouraged by the graces God gives to us (which would put us further out of Satan’s reach and influence), he suggests that the graces we witness aren’t genuine—they are counterfeit.

Remedies:

i. Remember that grace is taken two ways: the gracious good-will and favor of God, and the demonstrable gifts of grace, both common and special.

Even if you don’t see the latter, you can be assured of the former.

ii. Consider the differences between renewing grace and restraining grace.

iii. True grace enables a Christian to do spiritual actions with real pleasure and delight.

The fact that we desire to do the will of God and that we take delight in His word and worship is evidence of grace.

iv. True grace makes a man most careful and most fearful of his own heart.

v. True grace “will work a man’s heart to love and cleave to the strictest and holiest ways and things of God, for their purity and sanctity, in the face of all dangers and hardships.”

“Others love [the word] and follow it—for the credit, the honor, the advantage that they get by it; but I love it for the spiritual beauty and purity of it.”

vi. True grace enables a Christian to prefer the crown and cross of Christ above the glory of this world.

vii. Sanctifying grace moves the soul to perform spiritual duties out of divine love.

viii. Saving grace moves us to follow God fully in deserting all sin and observing all of God’s precepts, but restraining grace cannot enable a man to follow the Lord fully.

“True grace works the heart to the hatred of all sin, and to the love of all truth.” “So a soul truly gracious can say, Though I do not obey any one command as I should, and as I would desire, yet every word is sweet, every command of God is precious (Psalm 119:6, 119, 127, 167). I dearly prize and greatly love those commands that I cannot obey; though there be many commands that I cannot in a strict sense fulfill, yet there is no command I would not fulfill, that I do not exceedingly love.”

ix. True grace leads the soul to rest in Christ as his highest and ultimate end.

x. True grace enables the soul to sit down satisfied and contented with the naked enjoyments of Christ.

“A contented man cannot be a poor man.”

Device 5: Satan tells believers the conflict they face isn’t one normally faced by saints, but only by hypocrites and profane souls

Remedies:

i. The whole frame of a believer’s soul is against sin.

ii. A Christian hates sin universally, all sins, whereas wicked men frown upon one sin and smile upon another.

You see this so much in those who mock the cause of Christ—they use the fall of believers (such as sexual sin) as political leverage to attack, even though in their own lives they don’t hate sexual sin (in fact, they often condone and celebrate it). They just want to use the sin of a believer to attack the cause of Christ. Thus, they are the hypocrites, even above the believer who falls.

iii. Saints struggle against sin by drawing arguments from the love of God, the honor of God, sweetness and communion with God, spiritual blessings from God, and the sacrifice, glory, goodness and sweetness of Christ.

The best defense against sin is the goodness, the loveliness, and the wonder of God. Think on the best things about God more than you do His wrath.

iv. Saints face constant conflict against sin.

“A Christian lives fighting and dies fighting, he stands fighting and falls fighting, with his spiritual weapons in his hands…[and] the pleasure and sweetness which follows victory over sin is a thousand times beyond that seeming sweetness that is in sin.” In contrast, “the conflict that is in wicked men is inconstant.”

The fact that there is sin conflict in your life is evidence that you are a saint, not evidence that you are not.

v. The conflict in the saint is in the same faculties.

vi. The saints’ conflict against sin is more blessed, successful and prevailing; they gain ground against their sin.

“Remember this by way of caution: though Christ has given sin its death-wound, yet it will die but a lingering death.”

Device 6: Satan troubles the Christian by suggesting his soul is in a bad place because he doesn’t take joy in Christ as he used to

Remedies:

i. The loss of comfort is a separable adjunct from grace. “Though my comfort is gone, yet the God of my comfort abides.”

ii. Remember that the precious things you will enjoy are far better than the joys and comforts you have lost.

iii. This temporary loss was also experienced by the saints who are now in heaven and who now rejoice fully in Christ.

iv. Consider that the causes of joy and comfort aren’t always the same.

v. God himself will restore and make up the comforts of his people.

Device 7: Satan reminds the Christian how often he goes back to the sins he has already grieved over

Remedies:

i. Many Scriptures speak of the possibility of saints falling back into previous sins.

ii. There is no promise that once we are converted we won’t fall into the same sin after conversion.

iii. Prior saints—Lot, John, Abraham and David—relapsed into the same sins.

iv. There’s a difference between relapses into “enormities” and relapses into “infirmities.” It is more unusual to relapse into enormities (destructive sins).

v. Remember the difference between involuntary relapses and voluntary relapses.

vi. Neither true sorrow for sin nor rejoicing in the sweetness of God provide absolute permanent protection from relapsing into the same sin. Yet, “by way of caution, now, it is very rare that God does leave his beloved ones frequently to relapse into one and the same gross sin; for the law of nature is in arms against gross sins, as well as the law of grace, so that a gracious soul cannot, dares not, will not, frequently return to gross folly.”

Device 8: Making Christians feel they are not right with God because they are tormented with temptations. 

“Satan’s method, first to weary and vex your soul with temptations, and then to persuade the soul, that surely it is not loved by God, because it is so much tempted.”

Do you see Satan’s cleverness? He sends the temptations our way, and then uses the temptations he sent as evidence that God doesn’t love us because we are tempted so much.

Remedies:

i. Remember that the most beloved saints have been most tempted by Satan.

“It is as natural for saints to be tempted, who are dearly loved by God, as it is for the sun to shine, or a bird to sing. The eagle complains not of her wings, nor the peacock of his train of feathers, nor the nightingale of her voice—because these are natural to them. No more should saints complain of their temptations, because they are natural to them.”

ii. All the temptations of a saint “shall be sanctified to them by a hand of love.”

“Temptation is a school wherein God teaches his people to see a greater evil in sin than ever, and a greater emptiness in the creature than ever, and a greater need of Christ and free grace than ever.”

iii. No temptations harm a saint as long as they are resisted.

“Bid defiance to the temptation at first sight. It is safe to resist, it is dangerous to dispute.”

If you’d like to purchase Thomas Brooks’ book for more detailed study, you can find it HERE (Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.)

If you’d like to read about how other classic writers address sin and temptation, consider my book Thirsting for God.

The post Satan’s War to Discourage Believers; Thomas Brooks, Part 4 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Love in the Time of Politics

Jim and Emily care about politics, but they care even more about their family and their local church. The heat of the last presidential campaign felt threatening to them. They asked me, “How do we maintain a love that lasts when we see that our nation, churches, and even families are being torn apart over political disagreement?”

Heart Work

William Law, an esteemed 18th century Anglican, believes there’s a healthy and an unhealthy way to confront evil and pursue change. As I look at those inside and outside the church today, it appears that more people are pursuing the unhealthy model.

Law didn’t write in a vacuum: politics cost him his position at Cambridge when he refused to take an oath of allegiance to King George I (he had previously given his allegiance to the House of Stuart). Looking back, I’m a little grateful he lost his post as it turned his focus more toward writing and publishing, which in turn gave us (among other works) A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life and A Practical Treatise upon Christian Perfection, both of them magnificent reads.

I believe Law would tell Jim and Emily to test their hearts by comparing the three marks of what he called the “natural man”—resistance, rage, and darkness—to the three marks of a Spirit-filled believer: unity, joy, and happiness.

An abundance of “resistance, rage and darkness” is like a warning light on our car’s dashboard, telling us that our spiritual engines are overheating. If we wake up constantly angry, if our focus is always on resisting, that’s a bad sign that our spiritual engine is about to blow. We’ve all read the tiresome Facebook and blog posts from people who rail against evil every day, all with a self-righteous assurance that they are doing the Lord’s work. I read just one day’s Twitter feed to my wife of a writer who had five or six different gripes about what the church is doing wrong—again, all in one day. Lisa couldn’t believe it. Some of the points might even have been valid, but man, the anger and vitriol that comes from “wham, bam, slam” can’t be healthy to a person’s soul (to write or to read).

If someone is more energized to speak of the evil in the church or world than they are of the beauty of God, that alone tells me what they’re looking at most often. You don’t necessarily have to stop listening to the news altogether, but man, for the love of God, pick up a Bible and read it now and then… It’s still possible, even in an ugly world and worshipping in an imperfect church, to remain enamored by the beauty, glory, and transforming truth of Christ.

Law points out that those who exhibit rage, resistance and darkness are typically hyper-focused on others, whereas in God’s economy we should first be focused on ourselves. “Dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians 7:1).

Aldous Huxley joins William Law in warning us away from focusing too much on the sins of others to the neglect of our own pursuit of God: “Those who crusade not for God in themselves, but against the devil in others, never succeed in making the world better, but leave it either as it was, or sometimes even perceptibly worse than it was…By thinking primarily of evil we tend, however excellent our intentions, to create occasions for evil to manifest itself…To be more against the devil than for God is exceedingly dangerous. Every crusader is apt to go mad. He is haunted by the wickedness which he attributes to his enemies; it becomes in some sort a part of him.”

When someone’s life is marked by what they are against, they naturally meditate on what they hate, but when you meditate on something, you become like that. People who focus on what they hate become haters, even if they hate a loathsome thing! Emily and Jim, keep worshipping our beautiful God. Speak light and truth and, regardless of your political passions or disagreement with whomever is in office, pursue and focus on love.  Speak five words of encouragement and hope for every word of fear and chastisement.  

According to Law, the three marks of a Spirit-filled believer (unity, joy, and happiness) keep us pointed toward social and relational health. Unity comes from the Christian call that regardless of whether I agree with someone politically, I must be for them spiritually and always wish God’s best for them. A spirit of unity should be a non-negotiable for every believer: God wants to adopt every man and woman as his son or daughter (1 Timothy 2:4). I may disagree with my children, but I don’t want a single one of them destroyed.

As a citizen of the United States I may vote against you and debate you (hopefully, in a respectful way). As a citizen of heaven, I should be for you as God is for everyone, not wanting any to perish (2 Peter 3:9).

The “joy” and “happiness” of the Spirit-filled life are preserved by knowing God is King, If there is no joy in your life; if you are too angry to ever be happy, you’re descending into darkness. Joy and happiness come even in the midst of disappointing times by remembering that God wins in the end, and God will walk us through times of foolish government or wise government. Our ultimate well-being is never in the hands of elected officials; it rests in the secure presence and promises of an unelected and eternal God. As believers, we may debate with earnestness, but we should never do so with desperation.

Compassion for Others

The other thing I see lacking today when it comes to political or theological debate is compassion. There is hatred. There is the desire to cancel. There is a passion to destroy. There is much arrogance and an eagerness to cast our “opponents” in the worst light possible. But there is almost no compassion.

For the book I’m writing now, I interviewed a couple where the husband acted atrociously. And then came the part about him being molested as a young boy. A seasoned and wise counselor I talked with about this story told me, “As soon as a man tells me about an early molestation, I just wait for the dominoes to fall. I can all but tell him what happened before he even speaks it.”

This doesn’t excuse a man, not even a little bit. Some come out of molestation without making their wives pay such a heavy price. But in this case it gave his wife compassion and empathy as her husband not only expressed true repentance but also followed up his repentance with the hard work of getting better (seeking professional counseling, being in a 12-step group, undergoing regular lie detector tests, etc.).

Jesus lived in a fallen world, with misguided and evil people and yet, “When he saw the crowds, he felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dejected, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36).

Let’s be like Jesus and have compassion for the angst of a nation that is drifting away from its source of security. As followers of God, we know we have a providential shepherd who takes care of us. We know we have a wealthy heavenly benefactor who promises to provide for us, regardless of who is in the White House. We know we have a healer, should anyone attack us, and even more importantly, we know our eternal destiny is secure in Jesus’ death and resurrection. No one can do us the ultimate harm because God’s eternal promise is certain.

I was reading in Zechariah this morning and came across this choice morsel (God is speaking): “Never again will an oppressor overrun my people, for now I am keeping watch” (9:8). God may let his people be bandied about from time to time, but He can also cop an attitude and say, “Enough is enough!” That’s who is on our side!

But imagine if you didn’t know God and didn’t live with any of these assurances. You’d be desperate! You’d be vicious in your argumentation, because you’d feel like your very life and security depended on your enemies losing. And you’d naturally be tempted to hate anyone who stood in your way because your candidate being defeated would feel like death and despair and hopelessness.

We can be different by being compassionate toward those with whom we disagree. Because we have a Shepherd, we enjoy a rare security in a world filled with insecurity, infighting, and hatred.  

If your family members disagree with you, show compassion first. If your neighbors or fellow church members disagree with you, show compassion first. Jesus certainly didn’t agree with the crowds that came toward him, but his first response was compassion. And then he taught. 

So in political seasons that naturally divide (they never stop coming anymore, do they?), we preserve a love that lasts by taking the temperature of our own hearts first—seeking unity, joy, and happiness over resistance, rage, and darkness.

We may not be able to stop politics from corrupting our nation, but we can stop politics from corrupting our marriage. We may not be able to purify the church to our liking, but that doesn’t mean we can’t tend to our own marriage and build a relationship that honors God and cherishes our spouse. We may not be able to stop people from spewing hatred in their reporting, blogs, or public comments, but we can stop hatred from ruling in our hearts.

There is ugliness everywhere around us, but we can choose to seek out, meditate on, and live in what is beautiful and lovely and honorable.

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