Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 32

A Brilliant Match

Dr. Hugh Ross, a Canadian-American astrophysicist, is brilliant.

And on the autism spectrum.

How does that work in a marriage?

The lessons learned by his wife Kathy inspire me with how impactful it is to accept each other’s weaknesses while also building upon our mate’s strengths. In a marriage like this, miracles can happen.

As I watched Dr. Ross give a talk and answer questions at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, the ease with which Dr. Ross pulled complicated numerical equations out of his mind left me feeling like I operate with a different species of brain. He makes belief in God—based on science alone—sound like the only rational conclusion. When he then mentioned that he scores on the autistic spectrum, I was doubly intrigued and felt compelled to follow up with his wife.

As a long line of book buyers sought Dr. Ross’ autograph, I listened as Kathy told me her story of meeting this brilliant young Cal Tech researcher doing his postdoctoral studies while volunteering at a church.

 Hugh is passionate about science and God; his intellect compelled young minds at a prestigious university to give him due attention, but his autistic tendencies were impairing his influence. As a friend, Kathy looked for ways to help him.

“What do I need to do?” Hugh asked her.

“Let’s start with the haircut,” Kathy replied. “And then the clothes. Stripes don’t go with plaid, for instance. And you need pants that cover your socks, not to mention socks that match your pants. Try to use personal examples after you explain a spiritual/scientific principle so people can relate to what you’re saying. Oh, and Hugh, this is very important: look at people when you talk to them. It makes a huge difference.”

Kathy used much more tact and grace than I’ve made it sound in this truncated form, but she remembers that Hugh took out a 3 x 5 card and wrote down notes as she talked. “Haircut. Clothes. Examples. Look people in the eye.”

Hugh bought some new clothes, got a new haircut, and concentrated not just on what he was saying, but how he was saying it—including looking people in the eye. The level of his impact took giant steps forward, which made Hugh all the more grateful to Kathy.

Kathy began to feel her heart moving romantically toward Hugh, but she told me she couldn’t imagine that a man of Hugh’s intellect and impact would be interested in her. Besides, with all the autistic stuff, how would an intimate marriage work? Her heart was set first and foremost on serving God. “Heavenly Father,” she had often prayed, “If I could help anyone come to know you, that’s what I want to do.”

That’s in part why Kathy was so drawn to Hugh; she saw what Hugh was already doing on behalf of God’s work on earth, but even more she saw untapped potential if Hugh had just the right support. Perhaps she could reach more people helping Hugh than by sticking with her own ministry activities.

Hugh found his own heart moving toward Kathy as well. In a matter-of-fact way his romantic invitation was as follows: “Kathy, I’d like to spend more time with you. With my studies and my work with the church, I have only one day off a week, but would you like to spend that one day off getting to know each other better?”

The invitation alone was enough to melt Kathy’s heart. They dated, got engaged, and have been married for decades, faithfully serving God together.

 Kathy found a brilliant but somewhat socially awkward man. By supporting, coaching, encouraging, and loving him, she has showcased his brilliance to the world. Many have come to embrace the Gospel because of Hugh’s witness and intellectual persuasion, others have had their faith solidified, and Kathy has been right beside Hugh the entire way (for a picture of their impact, go to the website www.reasons.org).  In fact, I don’t think a single person in the 5,000 seat auditorium would know Hugh had any history with autism unless he had told us about it.

What makes the Ross’ marriage work so well is that Hugh doesn’t fault Kathy for not being an astrophysicist and Kathy doesn’t expect Ross to act like a man who doesn’t have lingering effects of autism. Hugh knows he wouldn’t be where he is without Kathy, and Kathy believes her life’s impact has been hugely enhanced by Hugh’s ministry, not diminished. She’s not embarrassed by his autism—she’s proud of how God is using him. She has devoted her life to showcasing him.

In short, this is a couple that cherishes each other and that builds each other up.  Because they accepted what each other was and wasn’t, they actually became more than they would have been as individuals. Rather than having their love diminished by each other’s imperfections, Kathy and Hugh cherish each other’s gifts, showcase those gifts, and thus enhance those gifts. Together, they marvel at what God has done; the two of them have become far more as a team than either one ever would have been as an individual.

This is the power of a cherishing marriage, building on each other’s strengths instead of obsessing over each other’s faults and watching God take the marriage to new heights.

There’s an even more moving angle to this however. I’ve been speaking on the horizontal level, but let’s take it vertical for a moment. Wives, imagine if you had a son on the autistic spectrum who had great gifts and some social awkwardness. You had great hopes for your son but watched with anguish when his social awkwardness elicited ridicule and even bullying. Now, imagine a suitor coming into your child’s life who supports your child, cherishes your child, and helps your son not just survive but thrive, with a powerful ministry to boot. Wouldn’t that person become one of your all-time favorites? Of course she would.

Cherishing our imperfect spouse, with all their limitations, isn’t just about improving our marriages. It’s a pathway to worshiping the God who created our spouse just as they are. Let’s keep adding “cherish” (which motivates us to “showcase” our spouse) to love so that we can build them up and help them find their place in God’s kingdom.

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Beware Prosperity!

I apologize for being so sporadic recently with the Closer to Christ blogs. I’ve been so embroiled in a book launch and such a heavy speaking schedule this fall (it’s like the post-Covid dam has broken and I’m on the road more than ever). This week we’re taking a break from William Law’s book summary, because I want to feature an amazing section from John Owen (1616-1683) and his classic book Of Temptation: The Nature and Power of It. This section stopped me cold this morning and reminded me of why I love spending time in the Christian classics. The “prosperity Gospel” was, and in some places, still is all the rage on television. Yet John Owen explains how prosperity is particularly dangerous for believers. What follows is all him, with a few abridgements (he writes in an old style).

“A season of unusual outward prosperity is usually accompanied with an hour of temptation. Prosperity and temptation go together; yea, prosperity is a temptation, many temptations, and that because without eminent supplies of grace it is apt to cast a soul into a frame and temper exposed to any temptation, and provides it with fuel and food for all. It has provision for lust and darts for Satan.”

“The wise man tells us that the ‘prosperity of fools destroys them’ (Prov. 1:32). It hardens them in their way, makes them despise instructions, and puts the evil day (whose terror should influence them into moral improvement) far from them. Without a special assistance, it has an inconceivably malignant influence on believers themselves. Hence Agur prays against riches because of the temptation that attends them: ‘Lest,’ says he, ‘I be full and deny you, and say, Who is the Lord?’ (Prov. 30:8-9)—lest, being filled with them, he should forget the Lord; as God complains that his people did (Hosea 13:6)…”

“As, then, unto a prosperous condition. I shall not contradict Solomon’s counsel, ‘In the day of prosperity rejoice’ (Ecc. 7:14). Rejoice in the God of your mercies who does you good in his patience and forbearance, notwithstanding all your unworthiness. Yet I may add to it, from the same foundation of wisdom, ‘Consider,’ also, lest evil lie at the door. A man in that state is in the midst of snares. Satan has many advantages against him; he forges darts out of all his enjoyments; and, if he watch not, he will be entangled before he is aware.”

“You want that which should poise and ballast your heart. Formality in religion will be apt to creep upon you; and that lays the soul open to all temptations in their full power and strength. Satisfaction and delight in creature-comforts, the poison of the soul, will be apt to grow upon you. In such a time be vigilant, be circumspect (attentive and cautious) or you will be surprised. Job says that in his affliction ‘God made his heart soft’ (Job 23:16). There is a hardness, an uncomprehending lack of spiritual sense, gathered in prosperity, that, if not watched against, will expose the heart to the deceits of sin and baits of Satan. ‘Watch and pray’ in this season. Many men’s negligence in it has cost them dear; their woeful experience cries out to take heed. Blessed is he that fears always, but especially in a time of prosperity.”

So, it’s not a sin to be prosperous; just recognize that it is a heavy spiritual challenge as much as it is an earthly blessing. If you’d like to read this book in its entirety and for yourself (which would be a good thing to do), I highly recommend the edition edited by Kelly Kapic and Justin Taylor, HERE. (Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.) They’ve done a fabulous job making this book more accessible to modern readers.

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Locking the Hotel Room Door: Compassion for Wives in Abusive Marriages

When Lisa and I stay in a hotel room together, she likes me to lock the metal bar on top. Even if someone could get the door opened, they would be stopped by the metal bar. The extra security device makes her feel safe. I’m much laxer about sliding the bar over when I’m alone, but when we’re together, I do my best to remember it.

I had one of those (I believe) God moments a few months ago when, after sliding the metal bar over, I realized how what could signal safety to Lisa could signal terror to wives in abusive relationships. The thought of being in a locked room, with a metal bar keeping anybody from getting in, could be a threat if they thought their husband might do them harm.

It was chilling to realize on a spiritual level that the very thing that provides a sense of safety in one relationship could create panic in another one.

Two good reminders came out of this God moment:

There’s not one piece of advice that works for all marriages. Sage advice for one marriage (“Make your wife feel safe; double lock the hotel room door”) could be used as an act of terror in a different marriage (“Now you have to do what I want you to do because no one can get in to stop me”). Those of us who write and speak on marriage, or who want to support our friends, should constantly keep this in mind. It should humble us and inform our writing.

Second, we need to double down on compassion for those whose marriages are destroying them. Just when some spouses need compassion—what is being done to you is awful, it dishonors God and who you are, and we want to support you—we hit them with a twisted sense of conviction, as if there is something wrong with someone who just wants to feel safe. Just stop for a moment and ask yourself: how would it feel for you to be locked, with a metal bar, inside a room with someone who you think might do you harm, or who gets a twisted sense of pleasure from causing you harm, or by making you afraid, or by emotionally taunting you?   

Jesus said what he said about divorce to protect first century women from financial and social ruin, not to imprison twenty-first century women in abusive relationships.

The chill I felt when I believe God spoke to me was a good reminder: as much as I am dedicated to helping all of us who stumble in many ways (James 3:2) learn to forgive each other, demonstrate grace and kindness, and grow together toward greater Christlikeness, we mustn’t forget those who aren’t just facing the normal difficulties of marriage, but an abusive marriage. God has a very different word for them, and in many cases that word is run.

(If you believe you may be in such a situation, I recommend individual—not couple’s—counseling with a licensed counselor; preferably, one who has experience helping women pursue a safe separation.)     

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The Beauty of Married Sex

I’m so excited that Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life  is now available everywhere. God’s presence was so apparent as Debra Fileta and I prayerfully labored to produce a work that husbands and wives could read together, with both spouses feeling heard, understood, and valued. Here’s what readers will get:

The Song of All Songs

A theological look at God’s celebration of marital sex, the astonishing way God’s word describes the passionate experience of sex, and the perhaps surprising (to some) revelation that in God’s book on sex the first spouse pleased is the wife. Sex wasn’t designed for solely the husband’s pleasure or release; Song of Songs begins with a wife boasting of the pleasure she experiences in this intimate relationship.

Sexpectations

Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor, does such a good job addressing common “sexpectations” that don’t hold up to reality, such as “sex will always be amazing,” “sex will be easy and happen often,” “sex is primarily for the man,” ”sex will be problem free,” and many others. Getting rid of wrong expectations about sex is essential so that you can rebuild your sexual relationship on a more solid foundation.

Your Body is a Wonderland

I was so grateful Debra wrote this chapter so I didn’t have to! She gives a thorough and professional look at how men’s and women’s bodies function sexually. As a counselor, she’s learned that some couples lack even the most basic information about each other’s bodies and how they work. Gaining a little physical understanding can go a long way toward increasing sexual pleasure.

What Gets Him Going

This is a chapter that an early reader said “made her cry with joy” when she saw how men celebrated the beauty of their wives. I talk about how women can gain greater understanding of their husbands (with the warning that treating your husband like most men like to be treated is counter-productive if that’s not how he likes to be treated. No two men are alike). We help women understand the power of their own enjoyment to please their husbands (spiritually healthy men get more pleasure out of their wives’ pleasure than their own), creative “turn downs” that can actually become “turn-ons” (creating excitement and anticipation instead of bitterness), and a little practical advice for handling one particular part of a man’s body that a woman doesn’t have.

What Gets Her Going

Debra does men a tremendous favor by giving them insightful and helpful clues to please their wives sexually. She talks about the importance of arousing your wife’s heart first, and then offers practical tips for arousing her body. Finally (and this part is so good) she writes about how to “add fuel to the fire.”

What Gets You Going

This chapter is cowritten to remind readers there are things you can do to aid and facilitate the process of your personal sexual arousal and response which starts by understanding that you have a role to play, and with that comes a beautiful, powerful, God=given sense of ownership and responsibility for your own sex life. Debra gives practical tips to help wives increase their own pleasure, and I talk about the power of assertiveness, setting the menu, staying in the moment, and protecting your own desire and enjoyment by upholding radical exclusivity.

Choose Your Own Adventure

In this chapter we explore how different sexual positions create different relational dynamics and urge couples to talk about the kind of sex each position creates for them. One woman who grew up with an anti-sex message tells how she loves to be on top because it counters that negative message. Different positions create different dynamics: athletic, fun, serious and sensual, quiet and comforting, passionate and intense. Debra includes an excellent section about how to talk about these things in case it feels uncomfortable to do so.

The Five Senses of Sex

God has given us bodies that are wired by Him for sexual enjoyment. Each sense (touch, smell, sound, sight and taste) can be used to create exquisite new experiences and deepen your sexual pleasure. Many couples share their favorite tips about putting the senses more actively into play, and we look at how the Song of Songs powerfully mentions and celebrates each of the senses.

En Gedi Sex

En Gedi is an oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea. An oasis makes living in a desert possible. It’s also a powerful image for marital sexuality, in the way that the oases of sexual delight can help us face an uncertain future, apply healing to past wounds, and foster strengthening and renewing pleasure in the present. You’ll come away feeling awe at the power of sexual intimacy to renew our hearts, minds, souls and relationship.

Sacred Simmering

Simmering is fore-foreplay. It’s suggested by many sex therapists as a way to help couples because it’s difficult to go from ice cold to red hot. Instead, try to live at lukewarm prior to sexual activity. We look at the way this is celebrated and demonstrated in the Song of Songs, with long passages of the wife “simmering” for her husband and the husband “simmering” for his wife. Pondering the sexually desirable aspects of your spouse is actually encouraged by scripture.

Problem Spots

With her counseling expertise, Debra helps couples practically address differences in desire, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, inability to reach climax and the problem of porn.

Shades of Gray

Debra and I wrote this one together. We’ve been asked about many activities and give a pastor’s/counselor’s perspective. Our goal is to speak clearly where Scripture speaks clearly, and be honest about where Scripture is silent. The topics addressed are masturbation, sex toys, oral sex, anal sex, sex during menstruation, using colorful language, and fantasy and fantasizing.

Going Backward to Go Forward

Again with a counselor’s sensitivity, Debra helps us face the hurts and imprinting of our sexual past so that we can move forward to new delight and freedom. We need to take off the old, renew our minds (she gets very practical and is very helpful in this section), and then put on the new.

Above the Sheets

With her clients, Debra has learned that what many couples think are sexual problems are actually relationship problems. “Because the emotional and relational connection is so vital to the process of making love, what happens above the sheets in a couple’s life is just as important as what happens under the sheets. In fact, the former fuels the latter.” She has a helpful checklist of “Your Sexual Struggle May Be a Relationship Struggle If…”and gives loads of soul-enriching advice about addressing these struggles, including a wonderful section on building spiritual intimacy.

Better People, Better Sex

If you want your spouse to want you in the bedroom, be someone they can respect outside the bedroom. I look at the apostle Paul’s masterpiece of words in the book of Colossians to tell us what vices need to be discarded and what wonderful, marriage-building virtues need to be chased after. By addressing our character, we deepen more than just our relationship; we can actually improve our sexual intimacy.

This was one of those books where, when we finished, I thought, “I can’t wait for this to get out to married couples!” You always have dreams for books you’re working on, but this one surpassed mine. I believe Debra did a brilliant job with her chapters and I’m honored to have written this book with her.

One caveat by the way: both Debra and I believe this is a book meant for married (or nearly married) couples. We’ve had a number of readers tell us it really got them in the mood. It might be the many stories we recount from others. It might just be the subject matter. But as a pastor (me) and counselor (Debra) we don’t want to cause anyone to stumble. So we don’t recommend this book for singles, unless you’re confident that this kind of material won’t make life more difficult for you (we all have our own temptations and it’s not for us to judge anyone on this).

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Singles: Back Up Slowly

I drive more carefully than I used to, not just because I’m worried about safety but because I’m also concerned about the hassle.  When you’ve been in an accident or two, or had to take care of one of your kids’ accidents, and you become familiar with the hours lost notifying the insurance company, getting repair estimates, working with the body shop, procuring a rental car—not to mention the cost—you just don’t want to go through that again. So, even when I’m backing up out of a tight parking spot with limited visibility, when there is zero chance of any serious injury, I still take a few extra seconds, look around twice, and proceed slowly. In my twenties, I thought I didn’t have time to take the extra five to ten seconds; now I realize that failing to take a tiny precaution of a few seconds protects me from potentially losing many hours in the future to a rush-induced mistake.

I wish singles would do the same thing when it comes to marriage. If you rush into one just because you’re eager to be married, or infatuated, or want to have guilt-free sex sooner rather than later, you risk “saving” a few seconds and then losing years to regret.

It’s been interesting seeing the different reactions to The Sacred Search between married people and single people. Singles often think I paint too scary of a picture; they’ve never been married, and so they often don’t see the danger. Those of us who have talked to people in extremely difficult marriages have seen the danger and want to scream out, be careful! It changes you as a pastor when a woman calls you to confess that the wonderful businessman who swept her off her feet and seemed larger than life now appears to be a toxic gaslighter who is slowly squeezing the life out of her. And she has two children under the age of five… It took her seven years to finally see what she now sees because for most of that time, she didn’t want to see it, but now she has to, and now she has to act on it, and it’s horrible.

So, singles, take a few extra moments. If the relationship is only a few months old and you are still in the flush of an infatuation, pause before you “back up” into marriage. In the course of your life, waiting another six months or even a year to test the relationship won’t mean much. It’s not like you still can’t relate to each other and enjoy each other. Sure, if you want to be faithful believers, you shouldn’t live together or have sex but sex makes up less than one percent of a married couple’s time, so there are plenty of other things to enjoy.

If you realize you need more than a pause, but actually a breakup, but the thought of “delaying” your life seems scarier than taking a risk that he or she is not as bad as you think, let’s consider that: I realize that breaking up, meeting someone new, dating, and getting engaged again could take several years, but as I’ve said several times before, wouldn’t you rather be happily married for 45 years than suffer through a frustrating marriage for 50 years? Like a careful driver, think long-term, because that’s what marriage is supposed to be.

As many of you know, I had the opportunity last year to update and revise The Sacred Search. This book has become a particular passion of mine. I’ve been able to hone the message and add insights garnered from more years of working with and alongside singles who are contemplating marriage. I hope you’ll give it a look, because the consequences of a rushed and foolish marital choice will be more bitter and last ten times longer than the momentary and fleeting excitement and pleasure of a hurried but unwise decision.

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My Spouse Can’t Cure Me, but Can Help Me

When it comes to sex, every spouse deserves the respect of being able to say, without fear, “Not tonight, honey.” Sex isn’t a handshake; it takes a significant contribution of relational, emotional, and physical energy, and sometimes, one or both partners just can’t get there. Besides, if a spouse can’t say “no” he or she really can’t say “yes.” Excessive pouting or resentment over a refusal that makes the other spouse “give in” just because not doing so would be punitive is manipulative and evil.

Having said that, control can be evil on either side: pressuring your spouse unduly so it feels like “obligation sex” must be performed,  or a pattern of controlling your spouse by making sex so difficult to experience that he or she has to jump through ten hoops before you say “yes,” and if they don’t jump through those hoops correctly, the gate-keeping spouse can say, “Ah ha! We don’t have to have sex tonight!”

Of course, “obligation sex” (through lecturing or guilt) is one of the worst ways to overcome sexual impasse. It’s best to focus on creating a sexual relationship marked by mutual pleasure, with each partner’s spiritual, emotional, relational, and physical health (all of which can interfere with libido) addressed. In many marriages, when those issues are addressed, gatekeeping will die a natural death.

As well, the message that a wife needs to have sex with her husband every so often or he’ll cheat on her or look at porn is so creepy a motivation we need to just throw that one out. If I said to Lisa, “have sex with me tonight or I might creep downstairs and go look at porn for a couple hours” it would absolutely crater her desire. She’d feel used, not cherished. Besides, most men get into porn long before they meet their wives, and I’ve read many heartbreaking stories from wives who made overt sexual advances only to have them rejected—after which their husband slipped out of bed to go look at porn. More sex doesn’t always mean less sin. I am grateful that an increasing cacophony of voices are calling out these destructive teachings (several of the presenters in our upcoming Married Sex Conference do this forcefully and convincingly). 

The challenge is that the church is often plagued by “binary” thinking. We throw out one extreme and fall prey to another. It is cruel and dishonest for a man to blame his porn use on his wife’s unwillingness to have sex. But it is also cruel for a spouse to say to her husband (or his wife) that they should be satisfied with sex once a month, at most. I’m not talking about times of physical illness, emotional travail, or special circumstances. I’m talking about having so little empathy for a spouse’s God-given desire for sexual intimacy long term that you refuse to deal with the underlying issues and allow a spouse to suffer accordingly.

I talked with a husband who I think strikes the right balance when he says his wife couldn’t “cure” him of his porn use, but she can certainly help him. He would never blame his wife for a fall; but when she is sexually engaged with him, he says he is less likely to fall.

See if you agree with his conclusions.

Jay and Christina

Jay and Christina put up with a sub-par sexual relationship for the first seven years of their marriage. Instead of sex contributing to the fortress of their marriage, it became one of the major contributing factors to the breakdown of their marriage. They fought constantly; it was difficult to talk about anything without it becoming a fight. There was little joy and gratitude in the bedroom, but a lot of frustration and resentment. By the second year of their marriage, their sex life had devolved to a lunar calendar–maybe once a month—though Jay would have preferred daily. For Christina, “even that once a month session was more out of duty.” Afterwards, however, she did sometimes think, “Why don’t we do this more often?” but she never felt like that beforehand.

“I had orgasms,” she explains. “Jay wasn’t a selfish lover. He never left me unsatisfied.”

This blows apart the myth that sexual infrequency is always caused by a husband’s selfishness or lack of hygiene.

After enduring seven years of this, Jay had had enough. Since both he and Christina are committed believers, “We both grew up thinking divorce is wrong, so we knew divorce wasn’t an option. But we were really angry at each other, certainly frustrated, and finally reached the point where we said, ‘Look, if we’re going to stay married, and we are, we can’t keep going on like this. We didn’t want to live miserably for the rest of our lives.’”

Too many things happened that we don’t have time to share here (but you can read about them in a book that will be published in 2022!). Among other things, Jay worked on his communication skills, they learned the difference between responsive sexual desire and spontaneous desire. And, through a female blogger, Christina became convicted about her lack of empathy toward Jay’s desire for sexual intimacy, particularly how vulnerable our spouses are to us sexually. Because Christianity’s sexual ethic reserves sexual intimacy for marriage, anything we deny our spouse becomes an absolute denial. Our spouses can have other needs met, but not their sexual needs. “Needs” might seem too strong of a word since no one will die from a lack of sex, but excusing the fact that you’re willing to let your spouse wallow in misery simply because they aren’t dying is a precarious perch from which to build a satisfying marriage. I certainly don’t want my attitude in marriage to be, “If it’s not going to kill her, she should just shut up and learn to live without it.”

If you ignore your spouse because you find porn more preferable; if you are not addressing healthful living to such an extent that sex becomes problematic or virtually impossible; if you think that withholding your participation in this aspect of marriage will help your spouse address another aspect of marriage, you risk becoming cruelly neglectful to your spouse’s vulnerability and God-given desires.

Drs. May and Hart, proponents of attachment theory (I love their book Safe Haven Marriage), suggest that a “securely attached couple” can be “summed up with the following statement: ‘I know you will be there for me.’” When a wife or husband feels they are left hanging sexually, it feels like emotional abandonment, not just sexual abandonment. Some might say, “Just where I need you most you leave me to fend for myself.”

Watching other spouses repent convicted Christina. “When I started reading other people’s stories, it really hit home in my own heart about how what I was doing was really hurtful.”

As compelling as it is, their journey to a new intimacy is much too detailed for this blog post. I want to focus here on the whole issue of porn, which Jay used to struggle with.

Slaying the Dragon

Jay believes that their renewed sexual intimacy was an enormous help in his overcoming porn. “It’s much harder to fight porn when you’re not having sex in marriage.” It’s never appropriate, helpful or true to blame a husband’s (or wife’s for that matter) porn use on the spouse. As stated before, most husbands who struggle with this started looking at porn well before they were married, and even after marriage some husbands reject their spouse’s sexual advances and then go look at porn.

Having said that, communicating your vulnerability and having that met with empathy, trust and compassion can regenerate a marriage on all levels. Jay puts it this way: “My wife can’t cure me, but she can help me. We’re supposed to help each other; I help her with her struggles and she helps me with mine.” Each partner taking personal responsibility for their own behavior while having empathy and generosity for their spouse’s particular struggles is part of what Paul addresses in Galatians 6:2 when he urges us to “carry each other’s burdens.”

Jay explains, “Most of the guys I talk to who struggle with porn tell me what they’re looking for isn’t the physical release; the majority of them I talk to want to be wanted. They desire a deeper relational connection with their wives. If you are constantly being sexually rejected by your wife and you watch a woman who is accepting of whatever, I think it’s less the physical sexual stuff and more the idea of that’s what I’m missing—a woman who wants me, a woman who will accept me, a woman who will enjoy being intimate. That’s a much deeper tie than the physical stuff. The physical stuff triggers your brain—and that’s not insignificant—but the emotional allure of someone wanting to be with me and accept me is even stronger.”

Sexual acceptance can come only from your spouse; he or she is the only one who can carry this burden. That doesn’t mean a spouse should be faulted if the other spouse falls; it does mean he or she can help carry the burden. And let’s be honest. The apostle Paul is the first teacher and writer (in 1 Corinthians 7) who said marriage is preferable to burning with lust, directly stating that marital sex can help people fight lust. Marriage isn’t a cure, but it can be a help.

Jay admits, “Our renewed relationship helped me in my struggle against porn very much.” During certain segments of their sexual famine, at his worst, Jay looked at porn almost daily. Once they started addressing the relational issues, “I quit cold turkey and haven’t looked back. When we weren’t connecting, it was horrible and I was ashamed. I’d tell myself, ‘I’m engaged, I have to stop.’ Then it was, ‘I’m married, I have to stop.’ Then, ‘I’m a dad, I have to stop.’ Then, ‘I’m an elder I have to stop.’ But I couldn’t. It wasn’t until our marriage was fully functioning that I could walk away from porn completely.”

While it is entirely inappropriate and wrong to blame a wife’s lack of sexual activity for her husband watching porn, a connected marriage does help us live healthier lives, and a healthy man (or woman) is much less likely to look at porn.  

For Jay, reconnecting with his wife wasn’t just about getting a physical release. Once they became more intimate, and he finally shared his struggle with porn with Christina, it became personalized. “I’ll never forget seeing how much my confession hurt Christina. You know it’s wrong while you’re doing it, but when you have to sit down and see your wife’s face as she reacts, and watch her cry, and know how much it hurts her—I don’t ever want to put her through that again or go through that again myself. Nothing in my life will ever compare to that brutal confession.”

So while he’d never blame Christina for a relapse, he appreciates her empathy and help. Today Jay has a strict policy of never having an orgasm without Christina being present, and he urges other husbands to follow this same rule. “The goal is that if the husband is going to ejaculate, the wife has to be there. The corollary rule is that she has to be available. Instead of trying to get him to stop having a sex life, the goal is to redirect the sex life towards his wife. Of course, it has to be within reason. He can’t say, ‘A quickie, now’ when it’s not appropriate, and he can’t be focused only on his own pleasure. He has to exercise some control.

“The goal is to get the husband’s brain to start re-associating sex to be solely focused on his wife, to make sure the dopamine spikes from orgasm and the oxytocin bonding that follows occurs only with his wife.”

MY THIRD WARNING: This teaching about the wife’s availability can be perilous, as it can become one-sided (all about the husband’s need for release) and take much of the pleasure out of sexual intimacy. The thought that a wife must have sex or her husband may mentally cheat on her is horrendously unfair. On the other hand, Jay believes he wouldn’t have been able to leave porn behind if his wife hadn’t decided to make herself so available.

“Christina decided on her own to never say an automatic ‘no,’ [but she did, indeed say no on some occasions] though I never asked that of her. But, to be honest, I’m not sure I could have quit without her making that decision. It also helped her because at the same time she was trying to learn to stop automatically saying ‘no’ and at least be willing to become aroused. But, knowing that I wasn’t interested in having sex if she couldn’t get in the mood helped her be able to always be open.”

 Can you see the lack of manipulation here? Christina was committed to accommodate Jay if she could, knowing that Jay wouldn’t force her or pout if she couldn’t. Jay appreciated Christina’s intentions and empathy, so he wasn’t bitter or resentful if sex just couldn’t happen. They both had to exercise control. Jay had to learn how to say “no” to himself more frequently than he wanted to, just as Christina had to learn how to say “yes” more frequently than she initially wanted to.

Since he works with so many couples, Jay says “I want wives to be aware of how much power they have to help their husbands; not just by being available but having compassion for their struggle. It’s harder to quit porn when you’re made to feel terrible for it and left on your own.”

Let me step in here to mention that some therapists recommend a period of sexual abstinence if the husband has a long-standing issue with porn, followed by the pattern that Jay recommends above. The challenge with marriage “advice” like this is that what’s good advice for some marriages isn’t the best for other relationships, depending on what’s going on at the moment. In general, Jay and Christina have found a pattern that I believe is healthiest for most marriages eventually—it just may take a little time to get there. You can’t have a healthy marriage if there is an active addiction however. I can’t cherish my wife if I also cherish porn; my brain isn’t big enough to do both. But Jay’s experience is such that cherishing his wife and mutual sexual enjoyment did help him leave his addiction behind. These words are best applied when a repentant husband (or wife) is in counseling and recovery and growing toward wholeness. In my discussion with therapists, a porn addict will never get better simply by having more sex. He or she needs to change their entire relationship with sex.

The application to wives (or husbands whose wives struggle with this) is clear: never blame yourself for your spouse’s fall, but ask if you are generously helping your husband or whether you have become hardened to a natural desire that God created your husband not just to desire, but in many cases, to crave. In a healthy marriage, God designed your husband’s brain to crave you, desire you, and long for you. For the vast majority of husbands, we find our wives’ bodies beautiful beyond compare. Seeing you and not being able to be sexual with you can feel like torture (I know, I know, I know: some of you have husbands who say they are not attracted to you and they reject you; I’m so, so sorry if that has been your experience. I’m not speaking to those marriages here).

And, guys, if this is an issue in your marriage, trying to up the frequency of sexual intimacy in your marriage by making your wife feel sorry for you, or threatening her with your sin, is foolish and completely ineffective. I know one husband whose wife refused to sleep with him for a couple weeks after he got the Covid vaccine because, she said, he was “shedding” toxins. When they did come back together, he made sure she had three orgasms. He got busy and distracted with work so it was almost a week later before they were sexually intimate again. Earlier that day, his wife said, “By the way, we’re having sex tonight, and it’s not an option, so get your mind in gear and your body in bed before 9:30.”

He used pleasure, not guilt or manipulation, to make her crave him sexually.

This is not to blame you as a selfish lover if your wife doesn’t desire you. You might, indeed, be married to a selfish wife who has little empathy. But what you can control is the quality of how you treat your wife, in and out of the bedroom. Perhaps (not always) that will help. And pray she reads the same blogs Christina read!

Married Sex Conference

Another option: consider signing up for our Married Sex Online conference. Especially now that we’ve watched the videos that have come in, we’re so excited to get this information out there.  We want to encourage Christian couples to go ever deeper into God’s plan for mutually enjoyable sexual intimacy in marriage.  

The post My Spouse Can’t Cure Me, but Can Help Me appeared first on Gary Thomas.

My Wife Can’t Cure Me, but She Can Help Me

When it comes to sex, every spouse deserves the respect of being able to say, without fear, “Not tonight, honey.” Sex isn’t a handshake; it takes a significant contribution of relational, emotional, and physical energy, and sometimes, one or both partners just can’t get there. Besides, if a spouse can’t say “no” he or she really can’t say “yes.” Excessive pouting or resentment over a refusal that makes the other spouse “give in” just because not doing so would be punitive is manipulative and evil.

Having said that, control can be evil on either side: pressuring your spouse unduly so it feels like “obligation sex” must be performed,  or a pattern of controlling your spouse by making sex so difficult to experience that he or she has to jump through ten hoops before you say “yes,” and if they don’t jump through those hoops correctly, the gate-keeping spouse can say, “Ah ha! We don’t have to have sex tonight!”

Of course, “obligation sex” (through lecturing or guilt) is one of the worst ways to overcome sexual impasse. It’s best to focus on creating a sexual relationship marked by mutual pleasure, with each partner’s spiritual, emotional, relational, and physical health (all of which can interfere with libido) addressed. In many marriages, when those issues are addressed, gatekeeping will die a natural death.

As well, the message that a wife needs to have sex with her husband every so often or he’ll cheat on her or look at porn is so creepy a motivation we need to just throw that one out. If I said to Lisa, “have sex with me tonight or I might creep downstairs and go look at porn for a couple hours” it would absolutely crater her desire. She’d feel used, not cherished. Besides, most men get into porn long before they meet their wives, and I’ve read many heartbreaking stories from wives who made overt sexual advances only to have them rejected—after which their husband slipped out of bed to go look at porn. More sex doesn’t always mean less sin. I am grateful that an increasing cacophony of voices are calling out these destructive teachings (several of the presenters in our upcoming Married Sex Conference do this forcefully and convincingly). 

The challenge is that the church is often plagued by “binary” thinking. We throw out one extreme and fall prey to another. It is cruel and dishonest for a man to blame his porn use on his wife’s unwillingness to have sex. But it is also cruel for a spouse to say to her husband (or his wife) that they should be satisfied with sex once a month, at most. I’m not talking about times of physical illness, emotional travail, or special circumstances. I’m talking about having so little empathy for a spouse’s God-given desire for sexual intimacy long term that you refuse to deal with the underlying issues and allow a spouse to suffer accordingly.

I talked with a husband who I think strikes the right balance when he says his wife couldn’t “cure” him of his porn use, but she can certainly help him. He would never blame his wife for a fall; but when she is sexually engaged with him, he says he is less likely to fall.

See if you agree with his conclusions.

Jay and Christina

Jay and Christina put up with a sub-par sexual relationship for the first seven years of their marriage. Instead of sex contributing to the fortress of their marriage, it became one of the major contributing factors to the breakdown of their marriage. They fought constantly; it was difficult to talk about anything without it becoming a fight. There was little joy and gratitude in the bedroom, but a lot of frustration and resentment. By the second year of their marriage, their sex life had devolved to a lunar calendar–maybe once a month—though Jay would have preferred daily. For Christina, “even that once a month session was more out of duty.” Afterwards, however, she did sometimes think, “Why don’t we do this more often?” but she never felt like that beforehand.

“I had orgasms,” she explains. “Jay wasn’t a selfish lover. He never left me unsatisfied.”

This blows apart the myth that sexual infrequency is always caused by a husband’s selfishness or lack of hygiene.

After enduring seven years of this, Jay had had enough. Since both he and Christina are committed believers, “We both grew up thinking divorce is wrong, so we knew divorce wasn’t an option. But we were really angry at each other, certainly frustrated, and finally reached the point where we said, ‘Look, if we’re going to stay married, and we are, we can’t keep going on like this. We didn’t want to live miserably for the rest of our lives.’”

Too many things happened that we don’t have time to share here (but you can read about them in a book that will be published in 2022!). Among other things, Jay worked on his communication skills, they learned the difference between responsive sexual desire and spontaneous desire. And, through a female blogger, Christina became convicted about her lack of empathy toward Jay’s desire for sexual intimacy, particularly how vulnerable our spouses are to us sexually. Because Christianity’s sexual ethic reserves sexual intimacy for marriage, anything we deny our spouse becomes an absolute denial. Our spouses can have other needs met, but not their sexual needs. “Needs” might seem too strong of a word since no one will die from a lack of sex, but excusing the fact that you’re willing to let your spouse wallow in misery simply because they aren’t dying is a precarious perch from which to build a satisfying marriage. I certainly don’t want my attitude in marriage to be, “If it’s not going to kill her, she should just shut up and learn to live without it.”

If you ignore your spouse because you find porn more preferable; if you are not addressing healthful living to such an extent that sex becomes problematic or virtually impossible; if you think that withholding your participation in this aspect of marriage will help your spouse address another aspect of marriage, you risk becoming cruelly neglectful to your spouse’s vulnerability and God-given desires.

Drs. May and Hart, proponents of attachment theory (I love their book Safe Haven Marriage), suggest that a “securely attached couple” can be “summed up with the following statement: ‘I know you will be there for me.’” When a wife or husband feels they are left hanging sexually, it feels like emotional abandonment, not just sexual abandonment. Some might say, “Just where I need you most you leave me to fend for myself.”

Watching other spouses repent convicted Christina. “When I started reading other people’s stories, it really hit home in my own heart about how what I was doing was really hurtful.”

As compelling as it is, their journey to a new intimacy is much too detailed for this blog post. I want to focus here on the whole issue of porn, which Jay used to struggle with.

Slaying the Dragon

Jay believes that their renewed sexual intimacy was an enormous help in his overcoming porn. “It’s much harder to fight porn when you’re not having sex in marriage.” It’s never appropriate, helpful or true to blame a husband’s (or wife’s for that matter) porn use on the spouse. As stated before, most husbands who struggle with this started looking at porn well before they were married, and even after marriage some husbands reject their spouse’s sexual advances and then go look at porn.

Having said that, communicating your vulnerability and having that met with empathy, trust and compassion can regenerate a marriage on all levels. Jay puts it this way: “My wife can’t cure me, but she can help me. We’re supposed to help each other; I help her with her struggles and she helps me with mine.” Each partner taking personal responsibility for their own behavior while having empathy and generosity for their spouse’s particular struggles is part of what Paul addresses in Galatians 6:2 when he urges us to “carry each other’s burdens.”

Jay explains, “Most of the guys I talk to who struggle with porn tell me what they’re looking for isn’t the physical release; the majority of them I talk to want to be wanted. They desire a deeper relational connection with their wives. If you are constantly being sexually rejected by your wife and you watch a woman who is accepting of whatever, I think it’s less the physical sexual stuff and more the idea of that’s what I’m missing—a woman who wants me, a woman who will accept me, a woman who will enjoy being intimate. That’s a much deeper tie than the physical stuff. The physical stuff triggers your brain—and that’s not insignificant—but the emotional allure of someone wanting to be with me and accept me is even stronger.”

Sexual acceptance can come only from your spouse; he or she is the only one who can carry this burden. That doesn’t mean a spouse should be faulted if the other spouse falls; it does mean he or she can help carry the burden. And let’s be honest. The apostle Paul is the first teacher and writer (in 1 Corinthians 7) who said marriage is preferable to burning with lust, directly stating that marital sex can help people fight lust. Marriage isn’t a cure, but it can be a help.

Jay admits, “Our renewed relationship helped me in my struggle against porn very much.” During certain segments of their sexual famine, at his worst, Jay looked at porn almost daily. Once they started addressing the relational issues, “I quit cold turkey and haven’t looked back. When we weren’t connecting, it was horrible and I was ashamed. I’d tell myself, ‘I’m engaged, I have to stop.’ Then it was, ‘I’m married, I have to stop.’ Then, ‘I’m a dad, I have to stop.’ Then, ‘I’m an elder I have to stop.’ But I couldn’t. It wasn’t until our marriage was fully functioning that I could walk away from porn completely.”

While it is entirely inappropriate and wrong to blame a wife’s lack of sexual activity for her husband watching porn, a connected marriage does help us live healthier lives, and a healthy man (or woman) is much less likely to look at porn.  

For Jay, reconnecting with his wife wasn’t just about getting a physical release. Once they became more intimate, and he finally shared his struggle with porn with Christina, it became personalized. “I’ll never forget seeing how much my confession hurt Christina. You know it’s wrong while you’re doing it, but when you have to sit down and see your wife’s face as she reacts, and watch her cry, and know how much it hurts her—I don’t ever want to put her through that again or go through that again myself. Nothing in my life will ever compare to that brutal confession.”

So while he’d never blame Christina for a relapse, he appreciates her empathy and help. Today Jay has a strict policy of never having an orgasm without Christina being present, and he urges other husbands to follow this same rule. “The goal is that if the husband is going to ejaculate, the wife has to be there. The corollary rule is that she has to be available. Instead of trying to get him to stop having a sex life, the goal is to redirect the sex life towards his wife. Of course, it has to be within reason. He can’t say, ‘A quickie, now’ when it’s not appropriate, and he can’t be focused only on his own pleasure. He has to exercise some control.

“The goal is to get the husband’s brain to start re-associating sex to be solely focused on his wife, to make sure the dopamine spikes from orgasm and the oxytocin bonding that follows occurs only with his wife.”

MY THIRD WARNING: This teaching about the wife’s availability can be perilous, as it can become one-sided (all about the husband’s need for release) and take much of the pleasure out of sexual intimacy. The thought that a wife must have sex or her husband may mentally cheat on her is horrendously unfair. On the other hand, Jay believes he wouldn’t have been able to leave porn behind if his wife hadn’t decided to make herself so available.

“Christina decided on her own to never say an automatic ‘no,’ [but she did, indeed say no on some occasions] though I never asked that of her. But, to be honest, I’m not sure I could have quit without her making that decision. It also helped her because at the same time she was trying to learn to stop automatically saying ‘no’ and at least be willing to become aroused. But, knowing that I wasn’t interested in having sex if she couldn’t get in the mood helped her be able to always be open.”

 Can you see the lack of manipulation here? Christina was committed to accommodate Jay if she could, knowing that Jay wouldn’t force her or pout if she couldn’t. Jay appreciated Christina’s intentions and empathy, so he wasn’t bitter or resentful if sex just couldn’t happen. They both had to exercise control. Jay had to learn how to say “no” to himself more frequently than he wanted to, just as Christina had to learn how to say “yes” more frequently than she initially wanted to.

Since he works with so many couples, Jay says “I want wives to be aware of how much power they have to help their husbands; not just by being available but having compassion for their struggle. It’s harder to quit porn when you’re made to feel terrible for it and left on your own.”

Let me step in here to mention that some therapists recommend a period of sexual abstinence if the husband has a long-standing issue with porn, followed by the pattern that Jay recommends above. The challenge with marriage “advice” like this is that what’s good advice for some marriages isn’t the best for other relationships, depending on what’s going on at the moment. In general, Jay and Christina have found a pattern that I believe is healthiest for most marriages eventually—it just may take a little time to get there. You can’t have a healthy marriage if there is an active addiction however. I can’t cherish my wife if I also cherish porn; my brain isn’t big enough to do both. But Jay’s experience is such that cherishing his wife and mutual sexual enjoyment did help him leave his addiction behind. These words are best applied when a repentant husband (or wife) is in counseling and recovery and growing toward wholeness. In my discussion with therapists, a porn addict will never get better simply by having more sex. He or she needs to change their entire relationship with sex.

The application to wives (or husbands whose wives struggle with this) is clear: never blame yourself for your spouse’s fall, but ask if you are generously helping your husband or whether you have become hardened to a natural desire that God created your husband not just to desire, but in many cases, to crave. In a healthy marriage, God designed your husband’s brain to crave you, desire you, and long for you. For the vast majority of husbands, we find our wives’ bodies beautiful beyond compare. Seeing you and not being able to be sexual with you can feel like torture (I know, I know, I know: some of you have husbands who say they are not attracted to you and they reject you; I’m so, so sorry if that has been your experience. I’m not speaking to those marriages here).

And, guys, if this is an issue in your marriage, trying to up the frequency of sexual intimacy in your marriage by making your wife feel sorry for you, or threatening her with your sin, is foolish and completely ineffective. I know one husband whose wife refused to sleep with him for a couple weeks after he got the Covid vaccine because, she said, he was “shedding” toxins. When they did come back together, he made sure she had three orgasms. He got busy and distracted with work so it was almost a week later before they were sexually intimate again. Earlier that day, his wife said, “By the way, we’re having sex tonight, and it’s not an option, so get your mind in gear and your body in bed before 9:30.”

He used pleasure, not guilt or manipulation, to make her crave him sexually.

This is not to blame you as a selfish lover if your wife doesn’t desire you. You might, indeed, be married to a selfish wife who has little empathy. But what you can control is the quality of how you treat your wife, in and out of the bedroom. Perhaps (not always) that will help. And pray she reads the same blogs Christina read!

Married Sex Conference

Another option: consider signing up for our Married Sex Online conference. Especially now that we’ve watched the videos that have come in, we’re so excited to get this information out there.  We want to encourage Christian couples to go ever deeper into God’s plan for mutually enjoyable sexual intimacy in marriage.  

The post My Wife Can’t Cure Me, but She Can Help Me appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Hate as the Doorway to Love; A Practical Treatise Upon Christian Perfection, William Law, Part 2

We’re continuing our summary of William Law’s A Practical Treatise on Christian Perfection. It would be best if you read part 1 first HERE, if you haven’t done so already. In this post, we’re focused entirely on chapter two, as it presents a clear foundation of Law’s thinking. It might sound shocking, but Law says we must learn to hate in order to truly love. To me, it’s a brilliant take.

Chapter 2

Christianity Requires a Change of Nature: A New Life Perfectly Devoted to God

Christianity isn’t a school of moral virtue; according to Law, it is “an entire change of life, a dedication of ourselves, our souls and bodies unto God.” It is marked by a true death and separation from worldly tempers, vain indulgences and unnecessary cares. We must therefore renounce the “pomps and vanities of the world” before we can be received into Christian communion. Law calls us to the rejection of all worldly opinions, fleshly cares and earthly projects. Since “he that is born of God overcometh the world” Law believes that the Christian life is lived in opposition to the world. In Pure Pleasure I make the distinction that we can “enjoy the earth without loving the world” but I suspect William Law might disagree with me on that point.

Life in Christ, Law says, makes us “utterly hate and labor to avoid all sin.” Most moderns would agree with the “hate” part. We’re not as accepting of the “labor to avoid all sin” part. But in this, the best classics (and more importantly, Scripture) agree that in order to put sin to death (I’m not speaking of forgiveness of sins here, but being free from experiential sin), a cooperative labor on our part is essential.

The reason we are called to hate is because we are called to love. Hate makes love possible. Being lukewarm about hate inevitably makes us lukewarm about love.

Law insists that we are called to love like God, who loves with a “universal love and benevolence,” which means we are called to love everyone, close relations, friends, and enemies alike. “It is impossible therefore to be a true Christian and an enemy at the same time. Mankind has no enemy but the Devil…there is perhaps no duty of religion that is so contrary to flesh and blood as this.”

This is where Law challenges me so much. He is not a negatively focused, “don’t do this” kind of teacher who stops at piety for the sake of piety. On the surface it may sound like this because he certainly has a lot of negative don’ts (just wait until we get into his writings about the theater, jewelry, and dress). But these “don’ts” are merely jumping off points for Law to get to what matters most: the call to positively love. Sin is dangerous not just because it might damn us (for believers, that’s not relevant). Sin is dangerous because it keeps us from love, which is everything. 

Here’s where hatred of the world and love of God come together: if we remove the love of earthly good and evils, we undercut all hatred and malice, for hatred and malice are caused by our base tempers and wanton desires. Thus we must become absolutely “dead” to the world, all its desires and all its enjoyments. “The Savior of the world has purchased mankind with his blood, not to live in the ease and pleasurable enjoyments, not to spend their time in softness and luxury, in the gratifications of pride, idleness, and vanity, but to drink of his cup, to be baptized with the baptism that he was baptized with, to make war with their corrupt natures, humble themselves, mortify the desires of the flesh, and like him be made perfect through sufferings.” It is only through being conformed to Christ’s death that we can expect to enjoy his resurrection.

“It is a miserable error to be content with ourselves, because we are less vain, or covetous, more sober, and decent in our behavior, than we used to be…They who thus measure themselves by themselves are not wise.” Don’t be satisfied with mere improvement; Christ is the measure, which is why we must press on toward perfection (see part 1 of this series for how “perfection” is defined).

To some this may sound like legalism. To me, it sounds like an inspirational call to love people like I’ve never loved before. I want to be a person who loves with the love of Christ. I am so far from that, and one of the reasons is no doubt because I don’t hate the world enough. I must learn to hate in order to truly love. Hate the sin, that is, so that I can love the people—all people. Life apart from Christ is the opposite—loving sin and hating people.

Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.

I once wrote a post about how viewing porn tends to breed anger toward one’s spouse, How Porn Creates Angry Men. I must hate lust to love my wife. Pride will make me attack people instead of seek their best. I must hate pride to encourage. Greed will tempt me to cheat or oppress people instead of bless and serve people, so I must hate greed in order to love generously. Malice will seek to build relationships via gossip, so I must hate gossip to enjoy loving fellowship. Hate is, indeed, the doorway to love.

The Christian life could thus be defined as: Hate sin and love people.

Life apart from Christ could be defined as: Love sin and hate people. If you love sin, and someone attacks your sin, you will hate them instead of the sin.

I want to hate sin and love people. Law reminds me that hating sin is a prerequisite to Christlike love. I never would have arrived here on my own. I may not agree with all of Law’s conclusions in this book, but I love this premise and believe it has enriched my outlook and understanding of the Christian life.

The post Hate as the Doorway to Love; A Practical Treatise Upon Christian Perfection, William Law, Part 2 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Why We Need to Talk More About Sex

Debra Fileta is an author and licensed counselor, who I was honored to work with as a co-author of Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life. She did such a brilliant job on her chapters; I’m excited for you to read them. Here’s a sneak peek at how she thinks. This week’s blog post is written by her…

Why We Need To Talk More About Sex

By Debra Fileta, M.A., LPC

Christians have a hard time talking about sex.

So, the way we’ve approached this topic in recent years is simply this: we don’t talk about it. We avoid it all together. We tell you what NOT to do before marriage, and hope you somehow get it right when you get there. 

But the problem with that approach is this: It doesn’t work. It leaves us with more questions than answers. More problems than solutions. More difficulties than victories. 

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, who has worked with hundreds of struggling couples, I know that to be true. I’ve seen it in the lives of so many Christian married couples. 

It’s rather telling that some of my most popular and most shared articles center around the topic of sex. It seems like no coincidence that I get the most amount of emails in my inbox and private messages through Facebook and Twitter and Instagram within 24 hours of writing an article about sex.

Sex. It’s what people want to know about. To understand. To learn about.

Sex. It’s a topic that’s been shied away from within the body of Christ, often hidden behind closed doors.

Sex. It’s designed by God, made for His glory, and gifted to His people!

For this reason,  I’m doing a 5-part Sex Series on my blog. We’re going to cover some important topics along the way, so be sure to subscribe to the blog to make sure you don’t miss out on any of these candid conversations. Also, if you have a “sex question” you’d like me to answer, feel free to contact me with your question and maybe we’ll even add a few additional posts to this series! Let’s get started.

And check out the Married Sex Conference we’re hosting on October 2nd, along with our brand new book about Sex! You’ll get a free copy of the new book with your conference registration. And I know your marriage will be blessed!

Let’s talk about sex.  

If you come from a Christian community or family, that’s probably not a phrase you often hear.  In fact, I’ve heard from too many young men and women who feel as though sex is not something that is talked about often enough within the context of faith and spirituality.  It’s a conversation that’s missing from the Christian community- as though not talking about it will magically make it go away.  But that underlying belief is a huge part of the problem.

By not saying anything about sex- we’re actually saying something.  What we’re saying is that it’s a topic that’s not supposed to be talked about.  And in the silence, our views of sex and sexuality begin to be shaped and molded– yet with no gauge of what’s healthy or good.

It’s time to talk about sex…and here are some reasons why:

BECAUSE IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT, OTHERS WILL (and already are).  All around us we are getting spoken to about sex.  Turn on any TV station, tune in to any radio station, or open any magazine- and you’ll be bombarded by images and messages that speak to you about what sex is.  The world tells us that sex is about pleasure, power, and passion.  It’s a tool, used to get what you want in life.  It’s a sedative, to make you feel good.  It’s an instrument, selfishly used to get love and to feel intimacy.  Our concept of sex is being distorted by lust rather than love; by casual rather than commitment.  It’s time to speak up about sex because our silence is allowing others to speak for us.

BECAUSE THE TOPIC OF SEX NEEDS TO BE REDEEMED FROM FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME.  One of the biggest problems with the dialogue we’ve created around sex, is that it is rooted in so much guilt and shame.  All throughout our lives, we’re inadvertently (sometimes not so inadvertently) told that sex is bad, wrong, and shameful.  We’re bombarded by the harm of sex before marriage, without being told enough of it’s beauty within marriage.  In  True Love Dates, I start one chapter with the phrase “Say Yes to Sex”, because you know what? Sex is awesome!  It’s time for Christians to stop treating sex like a “say no to drugs campaign” (True Love Dates, pg.107), but rather take the time to bring balance to the truth that sex done in God’s way is totally worth saying yes to.

It’s time to hear less about why it’s wrong, and more about why (and when)  it’s right.

BECAUSE OUT UNDERSTANDING AND EXPECTATIONS OF SEX HAVE BECOME SKEWED IN THE SILENCE.  I’ve heard from a lot of men and women who are going into marriage a little confused as to what to expect when it comes to sex.  They are having a hard time shifting their thinking from seeing sex through a negative lens their entire lives, to all of a sudden seeing it as good, holy, and special.  This shift in thinking doesn’t always come easy, especially when no one is talking much about it.  Our silence has allowed for false expectations to develop, and has left many men and women to try and figure it all out on their own.  As a professional counselor, I work with so many couples who are struggling with sex in their marriage and feel like they have nowhere to turn.

It’s time for the church to become a safe place where we can bring all our struggles and be welcomed with open arms- sex and all.

BECAUSE SEX IS GOD’S GIFT TO US, AND TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE RIGHT WAY BRINGS HIM GLORY. I think it’s important to talk more about sex because it is God’s precious gift to men and women.  Our world has done so much harm to this gift by using it and abusing it through the pornography industry, sex trafficking, abuse, addictions, and the like.  Our media has misconstrued it to reflect lust and selfishness.  God’s design for sex has been misused, degraded, and perverted.  But God is longing to redeem sex, because it belongs to Him!  It was His idea, and it’s something that He created to bring Him glory!  God delights in His children, and He longs for us to experience this gift as best as it was made to be enjoyed.  It’s time to speak up about sex, rescuing it from the darkness of sin and into the light of joy.

For those who are in a covenant marriage relationship, “God wants you to revel in the gift of sex without a hint of shame…and to see it as the lavish gift that it was meant to be” (Married Sex Book).

It’s time to talk about sex, because our expectations, understanding, and views of this sacred act begin taking shape long before we say “I do”.  May God give us the wisdom, the courage, and the strength to speak.

SINGLES: **For more on the beauty of sex and God’s design for it in marriage, check out chapter 8″Why Sex Matters” in True Love Dates if you’re single as well as this Love + Relationships Podcast episode: Sex Drive and the Single Life!

MARRIED COUPLES: Don’t miss our upcoming virtual Conference ALL ABOUT MARRIED SEX !!! You’ll get a FREE copy of our book with your registration. Check out some of these topics!

Why God Says Sex Is Good — Christine CaineHow Sexual Past Impacts a Good Sex Life – John and Lisa BevereSigns Your SEX Problem Might Actually be a RELATIONSHIP Problem — Debra FiletaThe Five Senses of Sex — Gary ThomasA LIFETIME of Awesome Sex — Dr. Kim KimberlingHow to Keep Your Sex Life Alive When You Have Young Kids — With Cait & Cole ZickHow Porn Effects Sex– Dave and Ashley WillisHidden Triggers — Natasha and Jamal MillerDealing with a High Desire/Low Desire Marriage — With Dr. Corey AllenHow to WOW your husband & How to WOW your wife — with Ruth BuezisAND SO MUCH MORE!!!!

DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of  Choosing Marriage  and  True Love Dates , and Love In Every Season , Are You Really OK? and Married Sex co-authored with Gary Thomas. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast . Her popular relationship advice blog,  TrueLoveDates.com , reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on  Facebook ,  Instagram , or  Twitter or book an online session with her today!

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A Practical Treatise Upon Christian Perfection

William Law, Part 1

This is seriously one of the most convicting and challenging Christian classics I have ever read. In fact, it may be the most challenging and convicting one ever. It could be dangerous for a legalist, but it also offers some helpful and much need pushback for cheap grace Christianity, easy-believism, and compromising believers.

This summary is designed more to encapsulate Law’s words than to offer my own critique. More than this is a “review,” it’s a summary, though I’ll throw in a few editorial thoughts now and then.

I hope, as we go along (it’s going to take many weeks to get through this) that some of you will pick up this book and read it along with me so that we can interact and share what we are learning in the comments section of each blog. Here’s the version I read, A Practical Treatise upon Christian Perfection, Volume 3 (Gary Thomas is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and Church Source Affiliates Program, advertising programs designed to provide a means for Gary to earn fees through customized links to these sites.) I’ll try to go back to earlier blog posts (of this book) to keep the discussion going as we move along.

First, a quick bio: William Law (1686-1761) initially served as a priest in the Anglican Church, but he lost his post at Cambridge when he refused to take the Oath of Allegiance to George I. This forced him into a more localized, smaller ministry setting, which also gave him more time to produce the beloved classic writings we enjoy today. He ministered in a small spiritual community and served as a religious guide to a wealthy family. As a spiritual director, he  personally discipled both John and Charles Wesley. His best known work is A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life. That one is also well-worth reading. If you haven’t read Law at all, I might even recommend that you start with that one.

The Introduction

It is beyond bold to title a book A Practical Treatise Upon Christian Perfection. Today’s believers hate the word “perfection.” John Wesley is more famous for picking it up from his spiritual director (Wesley wrote perhaps the better known A Plain Account of Christian Perfection), and spent much of his career defending his use of the word.

Can we just get over a semantic battle and try to understand what these two believers were talking about? By “perfection” Law means the “holy and religious conduct of ourselves in every state of life.” Later in the book, he makes it clear he does not believe any of us reach a sinless “perfect” state as we usually think “perfection” means. However, he does believe that we should earnestly pursue the highest degree and expression of holiness with which we are able. Thus Law begins his book with a strong warning against lukewarm believers who don’t earnestly pursue holiness in all walks of life.

Today’s church needs to heed this message, without fighting about the word “perfection.” We have fallen far off onto the other side, being more suspicious of earnestly pursuing holiness (mistakenly calling it legalism) than we are of being comfortable in our sin. It’s not as if we either achieve complete sinlessness or don’t care about sin at all, but some theological arguments seem to push people toward one of two ends. Grace brings continuing forgiveness and effective grace breeds holiness. It’s both/and. We need this ancient message to live obedient lives today.

Chapter 1

Christianity’s End is to Deliver us from the Misery and Disorder of our Present State and Raise us to a Blissful Enjoyment of Divine Nature

“All the precepts and doctrines of the Gospel are founded on these two great truths: the deplorable corruption of human nature and its new birth in Christ Jesus.”

Christianity goes off the rail when it forgets either our corruption or our new nature. Present corruption makes mortification and self-denial absolutely necessary in this life. Our new birth in Christ invites us to participate in the sacraments and experience new life. To live and act like Christians,we have to participate in both the death of our disorder and the cultivation of new life, “cherishing the secret inspirations of the Holy Spirit, opening our minds to the reception of the divine light, and pressing after all the graces and perfections of our new birth.”

We could summarize it this way: we are deeply fallen and radically changed. Those two truths mark the tension of the Christian life. Earnestly keep on killing the old nature. Zealously pursue the renewed life.

If we become too attached to this world’s cares and enjoyments, we may forget about the new life Christ calls us to. We must become so attuned to God that we find everything about sin miserable, and every happiness found only in the things of God. We are not in Christ if we are not showing the purity of Christ: “He that liveth in pleasure is dead while he lives.”

As the author of Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling So Good? let me offer a tiny little critique here, not just of Law but of those who followed in his path. The “things of God” are limited by some authors to refer almost exclusively to things related to religion. I believe we can find happiness in things of the earth (celebrating God’s work as creator), but must guard our hearts against the things of the world (a system in rebellion against God). We can enjoy a good meal as “the things of God,” but we should beware of gluttony (the things of the world). We can rightly enjoy sexual pleasure in marriage (which God created). We must not lapse into lust (sex that is in rebellion to God’s created order). I go into this in much more detail in Pure Pleasure if you want to check it out HERE.

Law warns against Christians who try to circumvent the danger of the world by suggesting that they enjoy sinful pleasures in smaller quantities or lesser ways than do those who don’t follow Christ. But Law counters that a “little” enjoyment of the world is no different than someone who likes to wear beads instead of diamonds; they are both of the world, and one is no nobler than the other. His point is that you’re still striving after vanity if you use either; that your accoutrements are a little cheaper doesn’t change the root desire.

This is what I mean when I say this book could be dangerous for a legalist. My wife wears jewelry, and I like to see her in it. But still, I’m challenged by the way Law urges me to search my heart and to reconsider a perhaps thoughtless compromise (I’m not talking about my wife’s earrings here; I’m thinking of other things).

Law’s challenging take is that the difference isn’t how much of the world we should crave, or what part of the world, but whether we should crave it at all. It’s not enough to avoid great vanity or great materialism; we must seek instead the full humility and poverty of Jesus. “Nothing concerns thee, but what concerns an everlasting Spirit that is going to God; and that there are no enjoyments here that are worth a thought, but such as may make thee more perfect in those holy tempers which will carry thee to heaven.”

That’s enough for now; this book will take us four or five weeks to get through.

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