Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 28

Darrel and Stacy

What if one of the primary reasons you got married will now never come true? What if the entire way you and your spouse look at your identity in marriage and your goals for your marriage get put through the blender of a lifelong disability? Darrel and Stacy faced just that and they graciously share their story about false starts, new beginnings, and renewed faith in God. 

Watch over on Substack, HERE.

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The Power of Healing and Honesty

For this week’s paid subscribers, I’m sharing an entire (and long) chapter that had to be omitted from Making Your Marriage a Fortress. Editors weren’t concerned about the quality, but it deals with a sensitive subject–a man coming out of recovery, just in time to support his family before they faced a long-term medical emergency with one of their children. The book had to be shortened (it exceeded its length even after this cut), so I agreed to hold this chapter out. It shouldn’t be read as prescriptive for any couples dealing with this issue, but it does offer a compelling picture of God’s ability to heal, forgive and redeem. I so admire Doug and Rochelle, and while I wouldn’t expect or even counsel every spouse to act as they did, I marvel at the difference God can make in our lives when we give him a chance. His power is as immense as his love is wonderful.

Read this blog over on Substack, HERE.

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Emotional Attachment after Betrayal

The head of a counseling center texted me to say that while he was enjoying the entire book, he would be recommending Making Your Marriage a Fortress to clients and fellow counselors for the sake of chapter 4 alone. It’s an amazing story of God’s power to redeem and heal, and the takeaways are amazing. It’s a good example of the teaching and testimonies that this book offers so we’re making the entire chapter this week’s free post on Substack. We hope you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll want to meet all the couples I was privileged to interview over the past eighteen months.

Read this free post on chapter 4 over on Substack, HERE.

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The Right Obsession

During a 2015 performance of the Broadway play Hand to God, a young member of the audience became alarmed when he realized his cell phone was about to run out of power. He noticed an outlet on the stage and thought he could climb up on stage and plug in his phone. He must have thought no one would notice but of course everybody did. There were boos, cat calls, and a momentary interruption. Veteran theater-goers knew it was a fool’s errand to begin with—the outlet was part of a stage prop; it wasn’t even connected to any power.

We live in a day and age where we are slowly tempted to become obsessed with battery life. If you ask me at any given hour of the day, I could offer a fairly accurate estimate of how much battery life is left on my iPhone or iPad. If I’m having dinner at a close friend’s house, I might even ask to plug in my phone while we eat. At church ‘green rooms,’ one of my first glances is to find an open outlet to recharge my iPad between teaching sessions.

Would that we were as obsessed with brain power as we are with battery power. If we understand the invitation behind Solomon’s glorious challenge, we’d recognize the need to attend to our intellectual fitness. Yet many of us miss the every deepening glory of life in Christ because our priorities lie in different places, We don’t value wisdom and understanding as Solomon does, thinking that they are worth more than everything else we have. We’re more concerned what the scale tells us about our weight, what our 401(k) statement (or the absence of one) tells us about our net worth, what Netflix tells us is available to stream, or how much power is left in our latest gadget than we are with increasing our mental firepower with increased understanding.

In light of that, let me give you one more motivation to embrace abundance via the path of reading: if you’re been negligent at all in this regard, you might have a very pleasant surprise ahead of you—a brand new you with a vastly increased influence.

Continue reading this blog on Substack, HERE.

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Why Cross Fit Might Be More Dangerous for Your Marriage than Facebook

Fifteen years ago, there was a lot of debate about “friending” old boyfriends and girlfriends on Facebook. I heard many tales (I don’t know how many were verified) of old boyfriends and girlfriends getting reconnected and starting an affair. The debate seems to have quieted down a bit, perhaps because it seems that as many people are leaving Facebook as they are joining it.

While writing Making Your Marriage a Fortress, I came across some fascinating research that makes Cross Fit seem even more dangerous than Facebook.

David and Terri Sumlin put on near-weekly retreats through Marriage Life Ministries. What makes their retreats different is their use of marital adventure programs that elevate the participants’ heartbeats. Renowned psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has demonstrated that elevated heartbeats (95 beats or more per minute) put our brains in a heightened state of emotion, which leads to a more meaningful conversation during or immediately after the activity, which gives a couple a better chance of creating a positive memory. That’s why David and Terri like to use strenuous activities or even scary ones (like high wire obstacle courses) after a time of teaching. The elevated heart rate creates a new vulnerability that can foster a new connection.

When David told me that “We have counseled many couples with infidelity, and about seventy percent of the time the affair is between a spouse and a cross fit or gym trainer, especially for the wives.” I reminded him of Gottman’s research that he had shared with me earlier.

Both of us looked at each other and said, “Of course!”

Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.

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Transformation

It is difficult for me to write a book without quoting Matthew 6:33 or Romans 12:2 (I can see my wife’s eyes rolling as I type this). But Romans 12:2 helps us understand why Paul thought reading is the preferred path to an abundant life when he wrote the famous words, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

Every word in this sentence (and even the comma) is worthy of study. It’s a masterpiece. We don’t have time or space to do a deep dive, but a few elements beg to be acknowledged as we pursue life in Christ. First, Paul warns we must actively fight against being “conformed” to the “pattern of this world.” Groupthink is the enemy of life in Christ; it’s precisely what we need to unlearn. If we value what the world values, we’ll work hard harvesting the wrong kind of fish.

Here’s the powerful takeaway: To do nothing is to be conformed. If we don’t fight against being conformed, we will be conformed. If you consume popular culture mindlessly—its blog posts and podcasts, television series, movies, music and commercial novels—you’ll be conformed to popular culture. Our minds exist in a river of society headed in one direction. If we don’t paddle in the opposite direction, we’ll be carried downstream. Living in a fallen world, you won’t “happen upon” divine wisdom. You must seek it out. You must evaluate the source. The books and lectures promoted by the world and exalted by the world may at times throw out a few nuggets of wisdom (I read plenty of “non-Christian” books), but we must realize worldly wisdom is like eating trout. There are many bones to spit out as we find the nourishing meat within.

In Paul’s view, the world is shaping us and trying to squeeze us into its mold. It may use shame (“How dare you not agree with us?”), it may use entertainment (“don’t worry about all that serious stuff; just escape for a while”) or it may use head-on attack (“if you don’t agree with us, we will ruin you.”). But it won’t leave us alone.

How we fight back against being “conformed to the pattern of this world?” Paul says we use our minds. In essence, he gives us an ultimatum: Either the world shapes you, or you shape you. If you’re not actively shaping your mind, you are passively allowing the world to shape your mind.

Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.

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By Degrees

To make your marriage a fortress against this common challenge of busyness, it’s crucial to remember that relational estrangement happens slowly, by degrees. Shortly before I turned fifty, I moved to a new state (Texas) and essentially started working two jobs. Since I was a recent empty nester, my work hours could go way up, and they did. The Texas climate wasn’t as conducive to running off my sweet tooth indulgences. No surprise, I started gaining a little weight.

Just a little. Maybe a quarter pound a week. 

But a quarter pound a week becomes a pound a month. A pound a month becomes twelve pounds in a year. Twelve pounds in a year becomes twenty-five pounds in two years. 

I woke up one January 1st, stepped on a scale, and saw a number I’d never seen before. “What just happened?” I asked.

Nothing just happened. Something did happen slowly and steadily. 

Relationally, estrangement is just like that. You’re a “little” too busy. You start watching a “little” more television. You spend a “little” more time apart. You have a “little” less time having sex. You spend a “little” more time with the kids or at your job than you do with each other. You slowly, with glacier like determination, grow a “little” more apart. 

Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.

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Head and Heart

There’s sadly a strain of faith that discounts “head knowledge” as inferior to heart change. The Bible doesn’t put one over the other and neither should we. Peter urges us to “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”[1] Our “head” can lead, inform and guard our heart; our heart is essential to keep our head thinking straight. When our passions go awry, we can convince ourselves of anything. The head and heart are complements, not competitors, in the abundant life.

When it comes to revival—great outpourings of ministry and a widespread response to the word of God—most people think the key is prayer. “Pray, pray, pray,” they’ll say, and I don’t disagree. Prayer is powerful, commanded, and should be a daily staple for earnest believers.

But what if there’s more to revival than prayer?

Continue reading over on Substack, click HERE.

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Always Love, Never Be Harsh

As part of Cherry Hills’ series on relationships, I preached on marriage, using Colossians 3:19. With 11 brilliant words, Paul tells husbands one thing always to do, and one thing never to do, to build a marriage that honors God and makes our wives feel cherished. And there is plenty for wives to reflect on as well. This sermon also gave me a chance to make the biblical case for supporting wives who pursue a divorce in the case of abuse. Please share it with your circle of influence if you find it helpful. It’s important that when we talk about divorce, we make sure wives in abusive situations know God hates what is happening to them and wants them to find a safe place to thrive and seek first His kingdom.

Watch over on Substack. Click HERE.

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Running the Right Race

One of the more lucrative summer jobs some of my friends got in college was harvesting fish in Alaska. The hours were long, the weather was cold, there was little sleep and much isolation, but ten or twelve weeks of hard work and the wages that followed could go a long way to bolster a college student’s budget.

Imagine if someone decided to put in that labor: they suffered through the smell, the cold, the tiredness, the isolation from friends and missing out on summer parties, endured the queasiness of living on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and at the end of the summer they were paid…nothing. Let’s say they harvested halibut, but the firm that hired them only wanted salmon. It takes the same amount of work, sweat and effort to get halibut as it does salmon, but if your parent company only sells one kind of fish, the halibut you harvested isn’t worth anything to them which makes your work and sacrifice worth…nothing.

Wouldn’t it be awful to work so hard all summer long and get zero profit from that labor?

King Solomon warns us that many, perhaps even most of the people living today, are harvesting the wrong fish. They’re not going to get what they want, even though they are tiring themselves out, perhaps even living very disciplined lives, but because they are chasing the wrong thing, or a lesser thing, none of that work will “count.”

Life in Christ entails a focused pursuit of one particularly valuable trait, worth more than just about any other pursuit: wisdom. We must unlearn our complacency about our ignorance.

Continue reading this blog over on Substack, HERE.

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