Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 31

You Want More? Then You Want Peace

When you research a book, it’s sometimes astonishing to see something that in hindsight looks so obvious but for whatever reason, you’ve previously been blind to. That’s what happened to me when I began writing this chapter on peace. The central importance of peace, the glory of peace, and the prophetic power of peace is all over Scripture, but I’ve never valued peace the way Scripture does, perhaps in part because I didn’t know how to get there. This week we’ll look at why pursuing peace is so important. Next week, in the second half of the chapter, we’ll explore how to embrace it.

In all honesty, this chapter has been life-changing for me, impacting me practically in a way that few other of my writings have done. I hope it’ll have the same impact for some of you.

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Unlearning Restlessness

Learning the True Path to Peace

Perhaps one of the biggest blind spots in the church today is that we are relative strangers to peace. We don’t know what it is, and we don’t value it. If we understood its power and its worth, we would scour ancient libraries trying to find it.

We have a superficial notion of peace at best, but it is entirely a worldly notion. That’s what we must unlearn. If you think peace is dependent on a pain-free life, having enough money stored away for a few decades, a spouse that loves you, children who appreciate you, parents who are proud of you and a vocation that makes others respect you, then that’s what you’ll chase after to find peace. Withhold even one of those, and the net result?

Agonizing anxiety.

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The Mountain Behind the Clouds

When my son and his wife moved to Seattle for new job opportunities, they rented an apartment several floors up in a building near Green Lake, a popular park. After several days of living there, early one morning Molly cried out, “Graham, come quickly! Get in here!” 

Graham hurried into the living room, wondering what might be wrong.

Nothing was wrong.

Something was spectacularly right.

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The Tapping on the Shoulder of Our Hearts

Both brilliant and beautiful, The Discerning Life may well be the book Steve Macchia was born to write. Every chapter unlocks new insights and treasures of devotion for any believer who aspires to live a life dedicated to “practicing a preference for God.”  Check out just a small piece of this work.

God is a loving initiator.

It’s what I most appreciate about God. He is the first to love. He is the first to give and forgive. He is first to call and empower. He is first to affirm us as his beloved and equip us as his broken and blessed children. He is the One who metaphorically stands on the porch of heaven and continuously sees us and waits for us to come to our senses and turn back home.

And when we finally do come to our senses, like in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11−32), it’s God who is prodigal (wastefully extravagant) in his affection for us. His way of loving is gentle and generous, simple and beautiful: a robe for our back, a ring for our finger, a kiss for our cheek, new shoes for our tired feet, and a party for our wayward heart.

His way of relating to us is always love. Always personal. Always gracious. Always. He’s never there with a finger of shame or blame pointing in our direction. Rather, it’s always an extended and outstretched hand to receive, greet, welcome us home, and restore us back into community.

It’s so like God to be fully present when we’re clueless and absent. His love for us is genuinely gracious and delightfully affectionate. He is so interested in us that his eyes are peeled on us 24/7, never stopping, never turning away, never distracted, never absent, never ending. His moment-by-moment focus is us, day and night, every minute of our lives, no matter where we live or what generation or ethnicity or social status we represent.

And he holds us close to himself, no matter where we are in life. He holds us tightly, and he initiates love, grace, mercy, and peace into our troubled hearts and personal lives—all the time.

No exceptions. Always and forever.

But are we aware of his presence? 

He’s tapping on the shoulder of our hearts all the time: tap, tap, tap . . . tap, tap, tap. As Christ- followers, it’s incumbent on us to notice the tap and not brush it aside, shun God’s presence, or be so numbed or hardened or oblivious as to miss it altogether.

The discerning life begins, ends, and is filled at every moment in between with practicing a preference for God.

 It makes so much sense: practice takes time, preference is overarching, and noticing God is our primary objective. Our awareness is in our noticing the tap, tap, tap of God’s presence, power, and peace. Discernment is about love, and a discerning life is measured, protected, and empowered by love that emanates first and foremost from the hand and heart of Almighty God—Father, Son, and Spirit.

Psalm 139 is often referred to as the “Omni Psalm” because the psalmist is reminding us that God is all-knowing (omniscient—he knows you, vv. 1–6); ever-present (omnipresent—he is with you, vv. 7–12), and all-powerful (omnipotent—he created you and loves you, vv. 13–18). God is the giver of shalom, the peace that surpasses all knowledge and sustains us in our daily lives. And he invites us to trust deeply that he will care for us and protect us as we plead with him to “search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (vv. 23–24) This is the kind of love that’s discernable for all who know, love, and serve God.

Are you aware of the tap, tap, tap of God’s presence, power, and peace? 

That’s the benchmark from which we attain our under- standing of spiritual discernment. It’s not so much about what we know about God or what God’s marching orders are for us. It’s about what we notice and then receive personally and directly from God by continually attending to the relationally loving work of God in the Scriptures, in history, in the created world, and in our own lives. That’s how we come to know God personally, relationally, and transformationally.

Our motivation? God. Our inspiration? God. Our destination? God.

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Dismantling the 5 Major Roadblocks in the Bedroom

In our book Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life, Debra Fileta and I address five major roadblocks that are preventing couples from having a thriving love life in the bedroom.

Theological Roadblocks

Because the church speaks so often of saying No to sex before marriage, some people absorb the thought that God wants us to say No to sex period. Debra writes, “We spend so much time teaching people to save sex for marriage but so little time teaching them to savor it after marriage.” There’s this little hesitation that we shouldn’t enjoy sex too much, or that there’s something lustful in thinking about it too much (whatever too much is). But the biblical record calls sexual passion in marriage “the song of songs,” a phraseology that escalates and celebrates what’s being discussed. Song of Songs 5:1 reads, “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” In referring to Proverbs 5:18-19, describing a husband being enthralled by his wife’s beauty, renowned Old Testament scholar Dr. Bruce Waltke points out that the writer “admonishes that inhibitions be left behind in the marriage bed.”

This is why we go to great lengths early in the book to lay an expositional groundwork for celebrating, enjoying, receiving and even planning mutual sexual pleasure. For some couples, that means women understanding that the Song of Songs begins by stressing how sexual pleasure is for the wife, too, not just for her husband. For other couples it might mean being open to a wider experience of sexual intimacy by focusing on the five senses (each one of which is celebrated in the Song of Songs; see the chapter “The Five Senses of Sex”) or seeing sexual experience in marriage as an oasis in the midst of difficult seasons (See the chapter “En Gedi Sex”).

To enjoy sex as God intends us to enjoy it, we need to take off the theological inhibitions and embrace the biblical celebration of sexual intimacy in marriage.

2. Psychological Roadblocks

The existence of psychological roadblocks is partly why I wanted to write this book with a licensed counselor. If there is trauma or betrayal in a person’s life, that needs to be dealt with before sex can be a place of joy, trust and mutual pleasure. Security and safety are essential guardrails for long-term sexual satisfaction, and you can’t have that while reeling from betrayal or trauma.

Psychological roadblocks go beyond something as serious as betrayal or trauma to include believing psychological lies. Debra deals with faulty “sexpectations”—psychological lies that mislead couples about sex and keep them frustrated. She also wrote the chapter “Going Backward to Go Forward” to help people look at their past to see what’s holding them back in the present.

3. Relational Roadblocks

Many times sexual hang-ups are actually relational hang-ups. Sex won’t fix the relationship, but the relationship can help fix what’s going wrong in the bedroom. Marital sex is an outgrowth of the relationship so if the relationship is hurting, sex will suffer accordingly. Some couples don’t need sexual tips as much as they need relational enhancement. Debra has a section in which she helps readers work through, “is this a relational issue or a sexual issue?” I write a chapter entitled “Better People, Better Sex,” showing how practical the pursuit of biblical virtues can be. They serve us individually and as a couple, making us more attractive as sexual partners and helping us to shed the vices that make us less attractive as sexual partners. Virtue is a friend of sexual enjoyment, not a foe. Debra has another chapter entitled “Above the Sheets,” which addresses other relational issues holding people back.

4. Physical Roadblocks

Sex is a physical act. There are things you need to know about bodies that will help you pleasure each other. And of course you’re making love to a body that is different than yours. That’s why Debra wrote a chapter entitled “Your Body is a Wonderland,” to lay out the basic understanding of the male and female bodies. It’s why I wrote a chapter “What Gets Him Going” and Debra wrote one entitled “What Gets Her Going” and we collaborated on one entitled “What Gets You Going” to talk about specific ways to pleasure your spouse and to learn how to receive pleasure on your own. We stress throughout this book that you shouldn’t treat your husband like most husbands like to be treated if that’s not the way your husband likes to be treated, and you shouldn’t treat your wife like most wives like to be treated if that’s not the way your wife enjoys being pleasured. Every body is different, but understanding typical truth is a good starting point to get to your spouse’s particular truth.

5. Boredom Roadblocks

Doing the same thing over and over and over can get…boring. Even though sex can be intense and wonderful, like anything, a little creativity never hurts. Christians are often held back in this regard as we understandably are wary of reading or viewing certain material out of a belief that we don’t want to fill our minds with stuff created by people who don’t share the biblical belief that healthy sex is reserved for the marriage of a husband and a wife. That’s why Debra and I interviewed and/or polled over a thousand couples to get ideas, anecdotes and testimonies of things couples have learned to add spice to their love life. It’s probably not a good idea for couples in a small group to share, “You wouldn’t believe what we did the other night!” But with anonymity, a book can change the names (our examples are all true, but lawyers insisted all the names be changed) of the couple but provide practical, inspirational ideas for what couples have learned to do.

We share how couples have learned to grow their intimacy by unleashing the five senses of sex—what couples do to incorporate smell and sight, sound, touch, and even taste. Some of these anecdotes are sweet or even funny (a wife that uses sound to “simmer” by listening to music that gets her in the mood to make love to her husband, even while she’s heating up macaroni and cheese for her children); some are intense and descriptive. And I’ll be honest here: these examples are what makes this book a bit more explicit than some people anticipated. It’s not pornographic, but it’s specific. If that type of description will cause more harm than help (temptation instead of inspiration), you might want to steer clear of this book. If you think anonymous examples from other couples who share your belief in keeping the marriage bed pure could be helpful, then be prepared to be inspired.

The Goal of a Fulfilling Love Life

I told one podcaster that the purpose behind Married Sex isn’t just to increase couples’ enjoyment in the bedroom; it’s to increase those “after sex smiles” between a husband and wife later in the evening or the next day when they remember what they’ve done, how they’ve enjoyed each other, and share those private, sacred, knowing looks of remembrance that are beautiful and special. It’s to increase a couple’s worship of God who can openly and unabashedly praise God for creating us male and female, for thinking up and engineering the pleasure of sex, and giving us helpful guidance in the Bible to experience sex to its fullest extent. It’s to make our homes feel more secure for our children with the natural affection that results from a husband and wife being intimate on a regular basis.

That’s what you’re getting in Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life.  If you’re facing any of these roadblocks, I believe you’ll receive biblical, sound and in many cases even licensed counsel (thank you Debra!) to help you chart a new path forward in the bedroom.  

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Call Your Daughters Vashti: A Biblical Case for Saying No to Your Spouse

Vashti saying “no” to her husband is one of the more spectacular displays of strength in all of Scripture. Doing so certainly reduced her comfort and life circumstances for a few decades but it also immortalized her character and strength for thousands of years.

Samson’s failure to say “No” to his spouse was his undoing. The strong man became weak because he wouldn’t stand up to his spouse.

We are called to love, serve and even sacrifice for our spouse. But the Bible never calls us to offer slavish devotion to any human, not even a spouse. Our marriage begins with the words “I do,” but as believers called to give our highest allegiance to God alone, we must have the character to sometimes say, “I won’t.” And the spouse who hears the word “No” must develop the grace and strength to receive it.

 Vashti

Let’s set the scene: Xerxes (or Ahasuerus) ruled over 127 provinces from India to modern day Sudan. He had a lot of money and a lot of appetite and no one who valued their head ever told him no. He threw a feast for the men, lasting seven days, displaying garish and ostentatious wealth: linen hangings, marble pillars, “couches of gold and silver”—couches!—all sitting on a “pavement” with costly stones like mother-of-pearl.

The wine never stopped—each person got to keep drinking regardless of how drunk he was—splashed into gold goblets by willing servants. Each goblet was a work of art, crafted differently from all the others. The king’s character overflowed into his actions: “the royal wine was abundant, in keeping with the king’s liberality” (Esther 1:7). Some translate that last word as “generous,” but giving more wine to already drunk men is “generosity” of a curious sort.

The writer of Esther paints a ghastly portrait of a bunch of men who had been drinking for a full week (the women were at their own banquet with Vashti), and the guys are starting to get bored. At first, they welcomed the diversion and hilarity. But after nearly a week of that, your body starts to suffer the effects of too much (food and drink) and too little (exercise and productive work). The seventh day ushers in a lethargy that starts to become a drag, but who wants to end a party on a drag, with people eager to return home?

Not Xerxes!

He figures it’s time for a little sexual energy to rev things up.

It’s important to understand that the narrator’s tone in Esther is mocking. This is a particular piece of literature that isn’t prone to be didactic (a list of teaching points) but rather teaching by example, like a parable of sorts. He’s expecting the reader to understand that he isn’t celebrating Xerxes’ excesses and certainly isn’t praising a drunken and likely debauched feast. In no way is his intention to elevate such a king. On the contrary, he’s demonstrating what the Rolling Stones would sing about some four thousand years later: “I can’t get no satisfaction.” One day of drinking isn’t enough. Five isn’t enough. Even seven isn’t enough. There were almost certainly concubines being passed around, but after seven days, the men were growing tired of both wine and “common” women.

Xerxes was drunk. The Hebrew word translated “high spirits” (“King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine”) implies impaired judgment when that word is mixed with alcohol (see 1 Samuel 25:36).[1] And he’s been drunk for several days. You don’t make your best decisions when you’re drunk, and Xerxes decided to thrill the crowd at the expense of his wife. He decides to bring in the most beautiful woman in the land, his wife Queen Vashti. “He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman.”[2]

It goes without saying that if a drunken despot is intending to brag to his friends about how beautiful his wife is, he’s not expecting her to stand on stage wearing sweatpants and a hoody. He wants them to see a lot of her. Maybe all of her. 

Vashti knew the king, the court and the situation. So when the king’s eunuchs summon her to travel with them to be with the men, she knows it’s not to sing a song, recite a poem, or be serenaded by a troubadour. She knows what she’s being asked to do.

With an act of courage celebrated through the centuries, she says “No.”

As one old-time preacher put it, “Ahasuerus reigned despot over one hundred and twenty-seven provinces, from India’s coral strand to the golden mountains of Ethiopia. But over the soul of Vashti he exercised no dominion.”[i] Xerxes ruled a kingdom. He could force men to do what he wanted them to do. But he couldn’t control Vashti. He had bragged about her beauty to the other men (there were no televisions or magazines back them; many of the commoners had likely never seen her). He had promised a “generous” and ostentatious display, so all the men, nobles and commoners alike knew what he had asked Vashti to do, which means every man also knew Vashti said “No” to the king.

Vashti knew what her no meant. An angry drunken king might do more than remove her crown. He might remove her head. He might make her a slave girl. She was living in luxury as long as she was willing to “go along to get along.” But there was something she valued more than her comfort: her character, her integrity, her self-respect, even her reputation. If all the men knew why she had been summoned, all the women feasting with her knew as well. 

Vashti wasn’t stupid. She knew that telling the king “No” meant that the wealth that once comforted her could be, and probably would be, turned against her.

Throughout the ages, women (and occasionally men) have faced the challenge of “going along to get along.” Some endure personal degradation because financial deprivation may seem worse to them. Vashti may have given up much comfort and luxury but she gained renown. “Vashti said ‘No’ and made herself immortal. If she had said ‘Yes,’ she never would have been heard of. Nor would Esther ever have been heard of. Parents call their fine daughters Esther. I wonder why they never call them Vashti.”[ii]

And that’s what women facing abusive marriages today must calculate. It is not for me to tell them to gather the courage. That’s not my place. The road may be hard, indeed, will be hard, regardless of what they choose. What is my place is to say the Bible here celebrates Vashti’s courageous refusal to her husband. “A ringing No saved Vashti from dishonor. She lost position, wealth, adulation, an easy berth in life, but she saved honor and character.”[iii]

A church that teaches that women must always say “Yes” is a church that doesn’t read the entire Bible. I’m not saying “no” is an easy word to use, in marriage or out. As a recovering people pleaser I’m the last person to condemn those who find it hard to employ that word. But there is only one being for whom a true believer must never say No to, and that is our Lord and King Jesus, our Creator God, our advocate the Holy Spirit.

If we, as husband or wife, hear our spouse say No, we have to be mature and confident enough to receive it. We’re not God. There are times spouses should say No to each other. We can and should graciously discuss what’s behind the No, but as believers we must not and cannot debate whether our spouse has the right to say No.

The wisdom of your No can’t be gauged by what follows. Vashti tumbled from wealth to banishment. Courage isn’t always celebrated with comfort or immediate acclaim. In fact, Vashti was reviled and excoriated by the leading men of her day: “Queen Vashti has done wrong, not only against the king but also against all the nobles and the peoples of all the provinces of King Xerxes.”[3] If not dealt with, she would ruin all of civilization!

Vashti ultimately won the day, however. The rulers’ worst fears were realized: “For the queen’s conduct will become known to all the women.” It not only became known to all women in the land at that time, but it has become known to all women of all time.

You may have heard a pastor preach a sermon on Vashti who missed the sarcasm inherent in the author’s voice. He may have even taken the nobles’ chastisement of Vashti’s refusal to let herself be stripped and exhibited to a bunch of drunken men as the voice of God. When you think saying “No” to a husband is always wrong you can be blinded by the obvious: would the God we know ever want a woman to do what Xerxes asked Vashti to do? No woman must say yes to being sexually exploited for the sake of her husband’s ego. Her husband had failed her. The authorities of her day failed her. But Vashti must not fail herself. She must stand up to the men who are laying down for the king.

The book of Esther celebrates women’s strength even as it reveals men in charge as often being arrogant buffoons. To be fair to men, Mordecai, Esther’s uncle, comes off as one of the truly great characters of the Bible. He looks after his niece as if she were his own daughter. He couldn’t stop her inscription into the king’s harem, but he stayed invested in her welfare. Later, he defends his people and looks after the poor. He’s definitely one of the good ones, so men, we’re not universally described as losers in Esther though women can find much truth and inspiration to empower them reading about courageous women who said No to unhealthy men.  

The Price of No

Women, you may well have to pay a price for saying no to your husband. Vashti certainly did. Esther put her life on the line as well when she said No to Haman (not her husband, but a man in authority). For Esther, it turned out okay; better than she could have hoped. For Vashti, not so much. Just don’t forget that in your “No” you lay the groundwork for women who follow. Not one soul would remember Esther today if Vashti had said yes. We wouldn’t remember Vashti if Vashti had said “Yes.” If Vashti hadn’t said No and paid the price for doing so, Esther wouldn’t have had the opportunity to save her people from ruin. 

Esther is an honest book. There are good men (Mordecai) and there are cruel men (Xerxes and Haman). And there are subservient men who try to control the most powerful men. What Esther teaches us today is to say “Yes” to the men (or women) with good counsel (in Esther’s case, Mordecai) and “No” to the people with evil intent. Because, in the end, you’re not saying “Yes” or “No” to a person as much as you are saying “Yes” or “No” to good or evil. That’s the takeaway!

If a spouse is encouraging you to do good, please say “Yes.” If he or she is degrading you or encouraging you to do evil, you have the full force of history and several passages in the Bible backing you up to say “No.” Your spouse is your brother or sister in Christ, but he or she is not your Christ.   

[1] Bush, F. W. (1996). Ruth, Esther (Vol. 9, p. 349). Dallas: Word, Incorporated.

[2] Tyndale House Publishers. (2015). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (Es 1:11). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

[3] The New International Version. (2011). (Es 1:16). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[i] Clarence Macartney, The Way of a Man With a Maid (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1931, rep. 1974), pg. 88.

[ii] Macartney, pg. 91

[iii] Macartney, pg. 93.

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The Three Markers of Healthy Marital Sexuality

As Debra Fileta and I have been doing podcasts on Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life, one of the most common questions we get is “what is healthy sexuality?” Here are three essential markers; I’m sure there are some others to consider, but in light of the current conversation I want to keep it focused and simple (but please feel free to add yours in the comments).

Mutually Pleasurable

A foundational point Debra and I wrote from throughout the book is that healthy marital sexuality is about mutual pleasure. This is to counteract faulty teaching from the past that sex is primarily for the husband or about giving him a sexual release so that he doesn’t sin.

In the very first chapter I make the point that the Song of Songs begins with the woman declaring that one of her highest pleasures in life is making love to her husband. “Biblical” sex is therefore something the wife enjoys, not endures, or feels obligated to provide. A healthy couple works through spiritual, relational, and physical issues so that the wife can agree with the woman in the Song of Songs: making love to my husband is a source of tremendous joy in my life. It might take awhile to get there, but it’s worth it. And Debra and I spend a lot of time helping couples get to this place.

Of course, there are times in lifelong marriage when one partner may particularly focus on the other at any one given moment. In the book, we quote “Danny” who talks about the times he prefers to bring his wife to orgasm and then just let her go to sleep. For him, her pleasure alone is satisfying enough. That’s not a common occurrence in marriage, and should be the exception, but we wanted to tell the true stories of couples out there where the wife’s pleasure is prioritized.

But don’t worry men. You’re not forgotten. In addition to Debra’s chapter “What Gets Her Going,” I write a chapter entitled “What Gets Him Going” and there are numerous other chapters where couples share their secrets to enhance the pleasure of both spouses. So many books in the past (and some in the present) try to pit one partner’s pleasure against another’s. That’s not healthy. In fact, it’s the opposite of healthy. Healthy sex should be mutually pleasurable.

Relationally Uplifting

Biblical sex is relational. It’s also exclusively marital. Which means, healthy sex builds the relationship up, and the only way you can do that is to build each other up. Healthy sex never feels demeaning, controlling, manipulative and certainly not abusive. Mutual consent is paramount, but it’s also just the starting point—healthy sex leads both partners to feel cherished, celebrated, pleasured, adored, and valued. It’s not just about my pleasure; it’s about our connection. Both spouses should come out of each sexual encounter feeling better about himself/herself and better about their marriage.

Feeling used, coerced, or damaged are signs of abuse, not health. Our desires shouldn’t ever be fulfilled on the back of someone’s degradation. Our spouse is more important than our desires. And our relationship is more important than any one time of pleasure.

So in our pursuit of healthy sex we ask ourselves, is our sex life building up the relationship, drawing us toward each other, helping us to respect each other, be more grateful for each other, and delight in each other?

Honoring God

As Christians, the third element of a healthy sex life is that every act of sex should honor God as creator, fill our hearts with gratitude for how he made us, and lead us to worship him for his goodness. Sex might feel mutually pleasurable, and seem to temporarily build the relationship, but if it pangs our conscience or makes us ashamed before God it’s not healthy for a believer.  Worship is the foundation of life, the essence of spiritual health, the literal primary need of every soul. Doing anything that undercuts worship instead of feeding worship is foolish and wrong and destructive.

When a couple mutually enjoys each other, experiences tremendous pleasure, and is drawn closer together, the sexual experience builds a heart of worship and makes us overwhelmingly grateful that God has created us as he did: woman and man, with nerve endings and bodies and joyful couplings designed by our Creator to make us feel so close, so good, and so grateful.

Please feel free to add your own markers of healthy sexuality in the comments, as well as anything from the book that you found helpful in that regard.

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Some of My Favorite Reads from 2021

I’m surprised how long this list is. I’ve sifted out many good reads from 2021 and thought I’d highlight just the best—but that still left 22 books!

I’m not endorsing every word of every book that follows. If I didn’t write the book, I probably don’t agree with everything in it. (Even if I did write it, in hindsight I can probably think of some better ways to put things!)  But if a book is on this list, that means I think it’s worth your time and money.

These are not all “Christian” books, so don’t expect them to read like they were all published by Harvest House. This is not a dig against Harvest House—I love Harvest House and have had one book published by them (Thirsting for God). It’s just that you may read content or thoughts that a conservative Christian publishing house wouldn’t publish.  

These are listed alphabetically, not in order of preference, except for the last book, which earns the title “Book of the Year” (even though it was first published in 1659).

Novels

Belgravia by Julian Fellowes. Fellowes is perhaps best known for his screen work, Gosford Park and Downton Abbey. But his novels are just as rich. If you like historical novels (this one is set during the Battle of Waterloo) about secrets and honor amongst the upper echelon of London society, you’ll love this one.

A Bright Ray of Darkness by Ethan Hawke. Sometimes, actors can write. Steve Martin and here, Ethan Hawke, are proof of that. This is a story about a young man making his Broadway debut just as his marriage implodes. If you like a little insider information about what the life of a professional actor is like, you’ll particularly enjoy this one.

Summer of ’69 by Elin Hilderbrand. Sometimes, best-selling authors are best-selling for a reason—they tell a compelling story and create engaging characters. Hilderbrand is one of them. In this work, four siblings face a tumultuous summer (you can guess which one by the title) and one of them even gets to meet Ted Kennedy.

Isabel in the Afternoon by Douglas Kennedy. If Kennedy’s name is on it, it’s going to be a good read. Kennedy is not particularly fond of the Christian faith and his novels don’t represent Christian values, by any means. But he’s a supremely gifted writer and wordsmith. This one is a story of adultery, psychology, and place (in this case, Paris).

Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan. It’s fun and most of you have probably already read it. The first novel in this trilogy is much stronger than the two follow-ups.  

A Happy Marriage: A Novel by Rafael Yglesias. Some critics savaged this book because of their own agendas, but I’ve learned not to let critics warn me away from something without considering it myself. Yglesias is a good writer, but fair warning: this novel will feel like work. Halfway through, Yglesias takes you through the brutal and slow death of his spouse, so it is neither an easy nor feel good read.

Nonfiction

Safe Haven A Devotional for the Abused and Abandoned by Michelle Donnelly. I wish there wasn’t a need for a book like this, but there surely is. And you won’t find one that is better written, with more insight and encouragement page for page, than Safe Haven . As a writer, I admire Michelle Donnelly’s facility with language; as a pastor, I appreciate her insight into the spiritual dynamics of abuse; and as a Christian I rejoice in the fact that so many victims of abuse can be forewarned, equipped, strengthened, and delivered from their abusers. The level of wisdom and insight was nothing short of astonishing to me. Michelle lays bare the motivations, manipulations, and common tactics of abusers. Pastors, friends, counselors and of course the abused will all be fortified, blessed and equipped by reading this seminal work on abuse. In a word, I found this book to be nothing less than brilliant.

Are You Really Okay? By Debra Fileta. Debra has written many excellent books, but here she is at her best. This is a great book that invites the reader to delve into a more abundant life of spiritual, emotional, mental and physical health. You’ll be challenged and equipped to grow, mature, and spiritually prosper.

Safe Haven Marriage: Building a Relationship You Want to Come Home to by Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sharon May. Drs. Hart and May (a father/daughter team) present a helpful introduction to emotional attachment theory in marriage which stresses emotional connection and safety as the foundation of a growing relationship.

One at a Time by Kyle Idleman. Brilliantly done, especially so since it’s a book about reaching people one life at a time that is written by the senior pastor of one of the largest and most influential megachurches in the country. I loved this book and was blessed and challenged by this book on many levels.

Deep-Rooted in Christ: The Way of Transformation by Joshua Choonmin Kang. This was a huge hit in Korea (where Kang is from, though he now is senior pastor of a large congregation in Los Angeles) and should be one here. Straight out inspirational spiritual formation and encouragement in short, bite-sized chapters.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. I hope you never need to read a book like this, but my work with my own book, When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, led to this recommendation. If you need it, it will help restore sanity and give you a glimpse of why a loved one might be treating you the way he/she does—and how to respond in kind.

Make Your Bed: Little Things that Can Change Your Life and Maybe Your World by Admiral William H. McRaven. Inspired by a college address, this retired Admiral (and Navy SEAL) dispenses short life-lessons that he learned in the military. If you have a son or daughter who doesn’t like long chapters, McRaven gets some great points across in story format.

Communion with the Triune God by John Owen. Life changing. In a world filled with malice and division, I found such refuge and solace spending time meditating on the beauty and glory of our triune God, with John Owen as my spiritual director. A must-read classic, in my opinion. What is more worthy of our time than gaining a greater understanding of just how wonderful and perfect God is?  

On the Mortification of Sins in Believers by John Owen. Such a brilliant start; a masterpiece, even, of laying out what mortification is and why it is essential. Owen falls a little short in the end on the actual practice of mortification but overall the book is still well worth reading.

A Quest for Godliness by J.I. Packer. My mentor J.I. Packer is no longer with us, but fortunately, he’s left numerous books behind through which he still speaks. I’ve never been disappointed by a Packer book, but this one—a journey through the wisdom of the Puritans—was especially powerful and encouraging. Even though I’m not a five-point Calvinist (sorry professor!) I enjoyed this so very much.

Les and Leslie Parrott, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. This book should have been a bestseller when it came out over 20 years ago. I’ll never understand why some books sell and some don’t. The title explains the subject; the Parrots showcase numerous couples who have faced severe trials, applied their faith, and come out stronger.

Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper. Next to Desiring God, one of his most classic works. And deservedly so.

Domestic Monastery by Ronald Rolheiser. A lovely little book that summarizes the messages of Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting (he doesn’t mention my books and may never have read them, but he takes the same approach—family life as a potential source of great spiritual growth).

How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge by Clay Scroggins. Every church would benefit if “associate” staff would read this book, discuss this book, and apply this book. Wonderfully done.

Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta. When you approach a co-author to help you write a book, you really don’t know how it’s going to go. How will you work together? Will you be pleased with their chapters? Can you accept their opinion of your chapters? I couldn’t have been more pleased with this collaboration. Debra did a brilliant job on her chapters and helped me refine my own. Our combined background and experience helped us produce a book that deals with the theology, psychology, relational, and physical aspects of married sexuality. We polled and/or interviewed over a thousand couples, so there are many stories which provide a plethora of ideas for long-term married couples who want to keep their intimacy fresh and fun. Warning: because of these stories, this book did become perhaps a bit more explicit than I anticipated, so if that will turn you off, feel free to look elsewhere.

Hang On, Let God: What to Do When Your Dreams are Shattered and Life is Falling Apart by Frank Viola. Astonishingly good. I wasn’t a big fan of Viola’s two books critiquing the church, but have loved his works directed toward individuals and the kingdom of God (we don’t need to write someone off if we disagree with one particular book). Hang On, Let Go is in another league altogether! The wisdom, spiritual application, and insight is breathtaking. Again, why this book isn’t at the top of the bestseller lists for 2021 is beyond me. If you are frustrated about how life is treating you, this will be balm to your soul and strengthen your mind.

Book of 2021

Thomas Brooks Mute Christian Under the Smarting Rod. I enjoyed so many books in 2021 that I hate to choose a favorite, but if forced, it would probably be this one. Brooks talks about the necessity of afflictions for spiritual growth. Whether those afflictions are persecution, financial calamity, deterioration of health, unfair criticism, relational breakdowns, or vocational frustration, he gives hard but necessary medicine. If you want to be coddled and feel sorry for yourself, avoid this book at all costs. If you’re willing to be challenged before you’re encouraged, this book will lift you back up. This has become one of my favorite classics, and I’ve read dozens and dozens of them. 

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Her Pleasure First

A healthy sex life is marked by the important theme of mutuality and reciprocity. One of the things Debra Fileta and I set out to do in Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life is to challenge the false and unhealthy notion that sex is primarily for the husband’s pleasure or release. You’ll see the theme of the priority of the wife’s pleasure highlighted throughout the book. In the opening chapter, I begin by showing how the Bible opens the Song of Songs with a delightful statement about sexual satisfaction for a woman, essentially saying that there is nothing else like it:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

for your love is more delightful than wine.

The wife says she wants her husband to keep kissing her because she has no higher pleasure in life. The Hebrew word describing the husband’s love is dod and refers to acts of lovemaking, not emotional feelings. She is explicitly saying that his oral and physical caresses are “more delightful than wine.”

To explain the astonishing power and revelation behind this assertion, let me ask you to go back three thousand years and try to imagine life for an ordinary Middle Eastern woman. There was no caramel macchiato in the morning; there wasn’t even a cup of Folger’s! There was no air conditioning in the desert at noon. There was no dark chocolate in the afternoon (it hadn’t been invented yet). And there was no Real Housewives of Jerusalem to relax to at night.

Virtually every luxury that modern women enjoy today was denied to a woman living back then, except for one:

Wine.

To an ancient woman who enjoyed precious little entertainment, there was no more celebrated pleasure than wine, except, apparently, for sex with a generous, creative, and thoughtful husband (of course, sex with a thoughtless, selfish and unfaithful husband would be the opposite).

A modern reader comes across “your kisses are better than wine” and isn’t stopped in her tracks because she has catalogues of pleasure to compare wine to. She might not even like wine. But three thousand years ago, this was a shocking comparison. 

So, the Bible’s book on marital sex begins with a woman confessing that one of her highest pleasures in life is being kissed all over by her husband. This not to say that this will be or should be true of you. You might be more into reading novels or playing an instrument or hiking in the mountains. But the significance here is that the Bible says sex isn’t just for the husband or even primarily for the husband. The first person pleased is the wife. The Bible celebrates and sanctifies the pleasure women get from sex.

“Jocelyn” didn’t realize this when she grew up. “When I was a teenager, you’d hear boys talking about masturbation and porn and wanting sexual stuff from girls, but my friends and I never talked about sex like that; it was a whole different level of interest, so I grew up thinking sex is for boys, not girls.”

Fifteen years of marriage have radically changed her mind. When sex lives begin to wane, she says, “What amazes me is how much the wives are missing out. How do you not want to have that release? It feels so good, you sleep better, and [it’s wonderful] the way it brings you closer to your husband that night and the very next day.”

Accordingly, she keeps reminding herself, “This is good, this is what the Lord wants for Danny and me.”

It needs to be pointed out that Jocelyn is married to a kind and unselfish husband. If you’re not feeling cherished outside the bedroom, it will crater the experience of sex inside the bedroom. “Good” sex doesn’t fix or serve a bad marriage. Getting to where Jocelyn is may require a long road of helping your husband cherish you in all the other ways first, and then, perhaps, you can sing the same chorus the wife in the Song of Songs did three thousand years ago, and Jocelyn does today. You wouldn’t be helped by reading a book about sex though—you’d want to address the other marital issues first.  

Coming back to our main point: husbands and wives knowing that God designed sex for the wife’s pleasure too won’t make everything better, but it’s the soil out of which a mutually pleasurable and more fulfilling love life can grow. It points the way to which we should be headed—mutual delight.

Later in the book, Debra Fileta adds this important and encouraging word to wives whose pleasure has been difficult to achieve:

I love Jocelyn’s attitude about sex with her husband. But as a licensed counselor I also know that reaching orgasm and engaging in a fulfilling sex life often takes much more understanding for a woman than it does for a man. I’ve worked with many women who struggle to enjoy the act of sex because their bodies aren’t letting them enjoy it. If you find yourself regularly experiencing pain during sex, an ongoing lack of sexual desire, or an inability to reach orgasm, there are often physiological issues as well as psychological issues that need to be understood and addressed. I … want you to see this…as an invitation of hope that it is possible for you to work toward a fulfilling sex life that is just as enjoyable for you as it is for your husband. I want to pause right here and promise you that we will address both the physiological and psychological barriers together in later chapters of this book. You don’t have to figure this out alone. We’re here to help you get there.

Prior to the wife doing her work, the husband needs to do his: living a life of mental faithfulness (no porn) and pursuing a cherishing relationship. For a wife to enjoy sex, she has to be able to trust her husband, know he is faithful to her, and feel safe in his arms. She shouldn’t and can’t feel safe if he isn’t being faithful or kind.

In a subsequent chapter called “What Gets Her Going”, Debra spends a significant amount of time teaching husbands what it looks like to focus on their wife’s pleasure, above their own.  We feel this subject is so very important and wanted it to be woven throughout the book. Here’s just some of what we say about the wife’s pleasure (we say more than this, actually, but this is a sample):

“The best sex will happen when your wife is convinced that you are far more concerned about her comfort and pleasure than you are about your own release. A little sensitivity here can go a long way toward making your wife feel cherished.”“For a husband, his wife’s pleasure is his pleasure. Nothing will ‘get him going’ more than when his wife thoroughly enjoys the act of making love. Some women may have to ‘school’ their husbands a little bit in the early days, helping him understand her body, but her moans, squeals and orgasms will get him more excited than any sexual ‘trick,’ move, or position ever will.”“Just keep this in mind: if your husband is spiritually and relationally healthy, he gets more pleasure from your pleasure than he does from his own…”“Your wife needs to know she has the freedom to take as long as she wants, and that your ultimate goal and desire is to pleasure her. When you communicate that to your wife, you’ll be amazed at how that simple act can help your wife relax and get her going. You can take initiative for creating this environment by saying things like this:I want you to take your time and enjoy this.I just want to pleasure you right now.Does this feel good for you?What would feel the best for you right now?What turns you on?How do you want me to touch you?Don’t feel rushed, just enjoy it.“One woman told me [Debra] that the best orgasm she ever had came when her husband was able to assure her that she was his priority… When her husband was able to assure her that the only thing that mattered was her feeling good she was able to really let go and enjoy, and all it took was reassurance, patience, and the clear communication that her pleasure was his priority. He played a primary role in taking the pressure off of her, and in turn, she was able to enjoy sex more than she ever had before.”“Men, if you really want to get her going, it’s important to assure her time and time again that you are available and willing to give her what she needs, when she needs it, however long it takes her to get there. Don’t give up, don’t doze off, and don’t lose interest… Remind her that you are there for her and adjust your attitude to remember that you’re in this together. Because you are. Her pleasure impacts your pleasure. Wives who always or almost always have an orgasm are naturally going to be more interested in sex more often. It’s just human nature.” “Learn to see sex as an act of receiving, not just an act of giving. It’s important to remember this: sex is for YOU, too. I [Debra] understand the perspective of the tired wife and mom who has no energy left for sex. But I believe it’s a perspective that can absolutely rob you of the joy, pleasure, and intimacy of sex because it puts sex in the category of ‘more giving’ without seeing sex as an opportunity for receiving.  When you go into the experience with the thought that, ‘this is for me, because I want to feel good at the end of the day’, it changes your perspective about sex. Sex is just as much for you as it is for your spouse. You get the chance to take a moment to feel the pleasure of arousal.”“Sex is God’s gift to you at the end (or beginning) of a long, demanding day as a way to fill you with pleasure, connection, and emotional intimacy. Not only that, but the chemicals that are released in your body during sex actually help you fight off negative emotions and have tremendous benefits to your physical body as well. When you can connect with your spouse and reach orgasm, your body and mind benefits in so many ways including decreased stress levels, increased oxytocin (the ‘bonding chemical’), decreased blood pressure, and an increased sense of intimacy between you and your spouse. Dr. Daniel Amen has even found that sexual health, enjoyment, and frequency prolongs life! You can go to bed feeling fulfilled and relaxed. It’s an opportunity to replenish and recharge, but it requires you to shift your perspective and see it as an opportunity to receive just as much as a chance to give.”“But for the mainstay of your sexual relationship, seek to find mutually enjoyable pleasures.”“[Women,], the next time you’re in bed with your spouse, without judgment, think about what works for you. Think about what feels good and what doesn’t. Move toward the good and don’t berate yourself if something doesn’t feel good. In a healthy marriage, if a wife stopped and said, “hey, let’s try this,” excitement increases for the husband, because he knows his wife wants to feel good.”“[Women], think about your pleasure. Enjoy the pleasure. Breathe deeply and thank God for the pleasure. And then, thank your spouse for the pleasure. Rest in what it feels like so you’ll look forward to returning to it again and again and again…”“Positions are a part of sexual pleasure, but not the entire meal. Some women may rarely climax in any sexual position. Some positions will be more pleasurable to her than others, but it’s perfectly acceptable for the wife to ‘finish’ either before or after intercourse takes place. We hope by now readers will understand how important the wife’s orgasm is, and that if she can’t have one while the husband is inside her, the couple will find other ways to bring her to orgasm either before or after.”“Is your attitude in the bedroom motivated by a sincere desire for your spouse’s pleasure?”“God designed wives’ bodies in such a way that their pleasure can be greater for longer, and more frequently, than it is for their husband. This excites me as a husband; it’s not a burden! The physiological mechanics of sex mean that wives can increase their pleasure by remembering what we said earlier: ‘my pleasure increases his pleasure.’ And husbands can prolong their pleasure by remembering ‘her pleasure increases my pleasure.’ Wives, be at peace! Sex seems designed to give husbands more pleasure when they give than when they receive.  It’s atrocious when sex books act as if the husband ‘needs’ sex and the wife ‘needs’ to serve. Actually, the husband needs to serve. And when he does that, he is served. Only God could come up with something so brilliant.”

We wrote this book to serve couples, and that means men and women. And in the Bible’s priority (as evidenced in the Song of Songs), the woman’s pleasure actually comes first. By the way, husbands — you’re especially going to want to read Debra’s chapter entitled “What Gets Her Going.” Debra helps men understand not just the importance of the wife’s pleasure, but how to help make it happen (with admittedly, some rather explicit but very helpful suggestions).

Our desire and intent was to create a book that couples could read together, and afterwards, wives would feel heard and understood, and men would feel heard and understood. We didn’t want to create a book that negated one to elevate the other, or attacked one to protect the other. So Married Sex emphasizes a woman’s pleasure, just as the Song of Songs does, but yes, there’s plenty in there for men, too. While this blog post gives you just a taste, we encourage you to read the entire book to see for yourself.

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Your Spouse is a Marvelous Mystery

“Aaron’s” business was all but obliterated by the Covid-19 shutdowns. He and his wife have lived a fairly comfortable life, financially speaking, but by December of 2020 they were fighting bankruptcy. Knowing money was tight, Aaron’s wife asked him what he wanted for Christmas. She wanted to get him something, but they both knew money was tight. Aaron replied, “You know what I’d really like?”

“What?”

“You getting a nice new piece of lingerie and coming in on Christmas morning to let me look at you.”

His wife smiled and said, “I can do that.”

A week later, Aaron asked his wife how her “shopping” was going. She smiled and said, “Think red.”

“Gary,” Aaron told me, “I felt like a ten-year-old kid who couldn’t wait for Christmas to arrive!”

It was such a sweet story of how marriage, including marital sex, can bring healing to a hurting couple and how a discouraged middle-aged man could suddenly anticipate Christmas like he hadn’t since he was a little boy, all during a particularly difficult season in life. And how his wife could revel in being adored, valued, cherished, and desired even twenty years into their marriage.

Here’s the thing: I’ve never heard of a woman who, when her family faced financial straits and her husband asked her for a cheap gift idea, responded, “What I’d really like is for you to buy a leopard skin thong and parade around in front of me on Christmas morning!”

In fact, when I proffered this unlikely scenario with Dr. Juli Slattery during a podcast, she spontaneously said, “Ewwww.”

Of course, there may be some women who would like that, and no shame on them. But most women? Probably not.

Is this cultural, or is it wired into the way we are made?

In Married Sex I quote Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist and professor at the University of California San Francisco who trained at UC Berkely, Yale school of Medicine, and Harvard Medical School. Dr. Brizendine wrote a book about the male brain to help women understand that their man doesn’t think like they do. But it’s not just Dr. Brizendine who talks about the differences in the brains of men and women. A September 22, 2021 report by Dr. Daniel Amen (a psychiatrist), who conducted “one of the largest functional brain imaging studies ever,” compared the SPECT scans of 46,034 female and male brains and “revealed fascinating differences between the female and male brains.” Recognizing that no two female or male brains are alike, Dr. Amen still found significant differences between the average male and average female brain.

There are other studies noticing differences in brains posted on the Stanford Medical School website (“Two Minds: The Cognitive Differences Between Men and Women”)  and even one conducted by the U.S. government’s National Institutes of Health, published July 28, 2020 (“Sex Differences in Brain Anatomy”) in which the “At a Glance” summary says, “An analysis of more than, 2,000 brain scans showed sex differences in the volume of certain regions in the human brain.”

There’s been a meta-analysis study (which isn’t a direct study but basically a study of studies) that attempts to show there are no significant differences between male and female brains, but this is an active debate among neuroscientists; both sides may have their own agendas. While writing Married Sex, I sent one such meta-analysis study to an actual neuroscientist friend of mine who practices in Southern California, and he pointed out that the meta-analysis study is itself being challenged, so again, this is an active debate.

Some things aren’t up for debate. For example, there is a demonstrable difference in the levels and impact of oxytocin in the male and female brain. Men tend to have markedly higher levels of testosterone than women. Both of these factors (and I could list many others) have significant ramifications for sexual interest, pleasure, and experience.

Here’s the thing: apart from discussing the scientific basis for sex differences, it’s guaranteed that your spouse has a different brain and body than you do; furthermore, sexual enjoyment in marriage is helped when you recognize that your partner processes touch, pleasure, smell and many other aspects of physical intimacy differently than you do. Men, here’s one practical example: your wife’s skin can be up to ten times more sensitive than yours’, which helps to explain why women tend to be more into foreplay and why a wife’s touch may feel too light to the husband, and the husband should be careful lest his touch feel not light enough.

You’re not making love to a clone; you’re making love to a wonderful complement. Brain science can begin the discussion to help you understand each other, but it doesn’t end it for any couple. It’s a launching pad to discuss, not a trump card to win a debate.

Common sense and capitalism make Brizendine’s point, by the way. There are plenty of Victoria Secrets stores, but where are all the “Victor’s Secrets?” That store couldn’t make it commercially. We know there is a difference in the way men and women get excited sexually. And suggesting that is not to say that every man and every woman is alike. As we say several times in the book, you can bring great frustration into your marriage if you treat your husband or wife like most husbands or wives like to be treated if that’s not the way he or she likes to be treated. Marital sex is a sacred, private and unique act between two different people who have a lifetime to learn how each other functions, responds and feels.

We wrote Married Sex to help, inspire, equip and encourage many believers to begin these discussions: to unlock the mystery that is their spouse, so that they could experience new joy and delight in the bedroom. As I’ve said on many recent podcasts, more than Married Sex is a book of answers, it’s a book of questions: a helpful tool for you and your spouse to ask each other, “Is this true of you?”

One thing is certain: your spouse’s brain is different than yours. Whether it’s because he’s a male and you’re a female, or because his mother dropped him on his head when he was a toddler or you held your breath too long when you were in third grade, talk about these differences. Share what touch feels like to you, how important (or unimportant) smell is; what a difference it makes when you can see what is going on (or how it terrifies you to have the lights on). Learn more about your spouse so that you can enjoy each other, understand each other, pleasure each other, and serve each other. That’s what will lead to the most satisfaction in the bedroom.  Use the chapters to discuss new possibilities. And listen to the stories; maybe you’ll come across one that makes you think, “I never thought of that before, but I bet that would work so well for us.”

Our prayer for this book is that your most satisfying days of sexual intimacy will still be ahead of you, to the glory of God and for the strengthening of your family.

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A Brilliant Match

Dr. Hugh Ross, a Canadian-American astrophysicist, is brilliant.

And on the autism spectrum.

How does that work in a marriage?

The lessons learned by his wife Kathy inspire me with how impactful it is to accept each other’s weaknesses while also building upon our mate’s strengths. In a marriage like this, miracles can happen.

As I watched Dr. Ross give a talk and answer questions at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, the ease with which Dr. Ross pulled complicated numerical equations out of his mind left me feeling like I operate with a different species of brain. He makes belief in God—based on science alone—sound like the only rational conclusion. When he then mentioned that he scores on the autistic spectrum, I was doubly intrigued and felt compelled to follow up with his wife.

As a long line of book buyers sought Dr. Ross’ autograph, I listened as Kathy told me her story of meeting this brilliant young Cal Tech researcher doing his postdoctoral studies while volunteering at a church.

 Hugh is passionate about science and God; his intellect compelled young minds at a prestigious university to give him due attention, but his autistic tendencies were impairing his influence. As a friend, Kathy looked for ways to help him.

“What do I need to do?” Hugh asked her.

“Let’s start with the haircut,” Kathy replied. “And then the clothes. Stripes don’t go with plaid, for instance. And you need pants that cover your socks, not to mention socks that match your pants. Try to use personal examples after you explain a spiritual/scientific principle so people can relate to what you’re saying. Oh, and Hugh, this is very important: look at people when you talk to them. It makes a huge difference.”

Kathy used much more tact and grace than I’ve made it sound in this truncated form, but she remembers that Hugh took out a 3 x 5 card and wrote down notes as she talked. “Haircut. Clothes. Examples. Look people in the eye.”

Hugh bought some new clothes, got a new haircut, and concentrated not just on what he was saying, but how he was saying it—including looking people in the eye. The level of his impact took giant steps forward, which made Hugh all the more grateful to Kathy.

Kathy began to feel her heart moving romantically toward Hugh, but she told me she couldn’t imagine that a man of Hugh’s intellect and impact would be interested in her. Besides, with all the autistic stuff, how would an intimate marriage work? Her heart was set first and foremost on serving God. “Heavenly Father,” she had often prayed, “If I could help anyone come to know you, that’s what I want to do.”

That’s in part why Kathy was so drawn to Hugh; she saw what Hugh was already doing on behalf of God’s work on earth, but even more she saw untapped potential if Hugh had just the right support. Perhaps she could reach more people helping Hugh than by sticking with her own ministry activities.

Hugh found his own heart moving toward Kathy as well. In a matter-of-fact way his romantic invitation was as follows: “Kathy, I’d like to spend more time with you. With my studies and my work with the church, I have only one day off a week, but would you like to spend that one day off getting to know each other better?”

The invitation alone was enough to melt Kathy’s heart. They dated, got engaged, and have been married for decades, faithfully serving God together.

 Kathy found a brilliant but somewhat socially awkward man. By supporting, coaching, encouraging, and loving him, she has showcased his brilliance to the world. Many have come to embrace the Gospel because of Hugh’s witness and intellectual persuasion, others have had their faith solidified, and Kathy has been right beside Hugh the entire way (for a picture of their impact, go to the website www.reasons.org).  In fact, I don’t think a single person in the 5,000 seat auditorium would know Hugh had any history with autism unless he had told us about it.

What makes the Ross’ marriage work so well is that Hugh doesn’t fault Kathy for not being an astrophysicist and Kathy doesn’t expect Ross to act like a man who doesn’t have lingering effects of autism. Hugh knows he wouldn’t be where he is without Kathy, and Kathy believes her life’s impact has been hugely enhanced by Hugh’s ministry, not diminished. She’s not embarrassed by his autism—she’s proud of how God is using him. She has devoted her life to showcasing him.

In short, this is a couple that cherishes each other and that builds each other up.  Because they accepted what each other was and wasn’t, they actually became more than they would have been as individuals. Rather than having their love diminished by each other’s imperfections, Kathy and Hugh cherish each other’s gifts, showcase those gifts, and thus enhance those gifts. Together, they marvel at what God has done; the two of them have become far more as a team than either one ever would have been as an individual.

This is the power of a cherishing marriage, building on each other’s strengths instead of obsessing over each other’s faults and watching God take the marriage to new heights.

There’s an even more moving angle to this however. I’ve been speaking on the horizontal level, but let’s take it vertical for a moment. Wives, imagine if you had a son on the autistic spectrum who had great gifts and some social awkwardness. You had great hopes for your son but watched with anguish when his social awkwardness elicited ridicule and even bullying. Now, imagine a suitor coming into your child’s life who supports your child, cherishes your child, and helps your son not just survive but thrive, with a powerful ministry to boot. Wouldn’t that person become one of your all-time favorites? Of course she would.

Cherishing our imperfect spouse, with all their limitations, isn’t just about improving our marriages. It’s a pathway to worshiping the God who created our spouse just as they are. Let’s keep adding “cherish” (which motivates us to “showcase” our spouse) to love so that we can build them up and help them find their place in God’s kingdom.

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