Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 40

Jesus-Style

In the Gospels, Jesus stresses God’s generosity and our obligation to show generosity. Social mercy begins with the freedom we have because God is so generous: “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom,” followed by the invitation, “Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Luke 12:32-34).

This verse follows the well-known “don’t worry about what you will eat or wear” passage. Jesus wants his followers to know that God’s kingdom is theirs. We are going to inherit unimaginable wealth. We should respond not by putting on airs but by giving away what we have, knowing that abundance awaits us.

If we fail to live up to this ethic, we can expect severe punishment. Jesus’ teaching about the sheep and goats has one clear strain: The sheep are rewarded for their good deeds – feeding the poor, visiting the sick and imprisoned, clothing the naked. And the goats are punished for what they left undone – ignoring those already mentioned. All judgment is based on what individuals did or didn’t do for hurting human beings (Matthew 25:31-46).

Because of this truth, Jesus stresses that the parties we throw need to be the kind that reap heavenly rewards. He tells his disciples that when they have a banquet, they shouldn’t invite the rich or their own relatives. Otherwise, they’ll be repaid and lose any reward. Instead, they should invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind (Luke 14:12-14). Think about this when you plan activities. When you take in a movie, is there a lonely person you can invite to tag along? When you invite friends to a meal, is there someone who is typically left out that you can invite?

This isn’t about theory or feeling or study; it’s about action. Ask God to put someone on your heart today, and then reach out to them in Jesus’ name.

Authentic Faith, 109-10

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A Quiet Elation

It had been an exhausting week, with two or three more hard weeks ahead. I was flying from coast to coast, so I requested an aisle seat. I needed the room to get some work done.

“Sorry sir,” the agent said, “but all that remains are center seats.”

I sighed as I got in line to board, knowing that work would be impossible. I dug a novel out of my shoulder bag and found my seat between a large man and an elderly woman. I didn’t even have my seat belt on when the woman started talking. She was in her seventies, with a sweet demeanor. But I was tired from speaking at several events, and I looked wistfully at the book in my hands. How could I open the cover without being rude?

“I’m sorry,” the woman said, perhaps catching my glance. “I’m sure you probably want to read.”

I smiled politely and began to crack open my book.

“I just don’t get to talk very much,” she said quietly. “Not since my husband died.”

Her words felt like a spiritual body-slam. I had allowed myself to fill up with self-pity, selfishly demanding four hours of duty-free living on a cross-country flight. Suddenly it occurred to me. Out of all the seats I could have been assigned, I found myself seated next to this elderly woman who felt lonely and was hoping for someone to talk to. Wasn’t it at least possible that God had placed me beside her?

We talked for the next four hours – about her children, her life, her church. I listened a lot, even though the novel kept summoning me. This is God’s daughter, I kept reminding myself.

As the flight ended, a surprising thing happened. The extreme weariness I had been feeling was gone. I actually felt buoyant. That’s the energizing reality of obedience. I had surrendered to the situation, believing it was not a random circumstance but one in which God had placed me. I had surrendered my will to his will – and in doing so, I had experienced Jesus, the delight of my soul. A quiet elation filled my soul.

Let’s make ourselves available to God today; let’s be aware of his providence and surrender to its sometimes-masked joys.

The Glorious Pursuit, 25-26

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Marshmallows and Marriage

Mature Christians recognize and appreciate the sweet side of suffering. Teresa of Avila wrote, “Lord, how you afflict your lovers! But everything is small in comparison to what you give them afterward.” John Climacus experienced the same thing centuries before. He wrote, “If individuals resolutely submit to the carrying of the cross, if they decidedly want to find and endure a trial in all things for God, they will discover in all of them great relief and sweetness.”

This teaching mirrors Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 4:17: “Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”

Because we have hope for eternity, we do not become nearsighted, demanding short-term ease that would short-circuit long-term gain. We should periodically ask ourselves, “Am I living for God’s kingdom and service, or for my own comfort and reputation?”

A heavyweight boxing champion who dodges all serious contenders to consistently fight marshmallows gets derided and ridiculed – and rightly so. Christians who dodge all serious struggle and consciously seek to put themselves in the easiest situations and relationships do the same thing. They are coasting, and eventually this coasting will define them and, even worse, shape them.

If young engaged couples need to hear one thing, it’s that a good marriage is not something you find; it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront, at other times confess, and always be willing to forgive.

It helps when we view our struggles in light of what they provide spiritually rather than what they take from us emotionally. If I’m in my marriage for emotional stability, I probably won’t last long. But if I think it can reap spiritual benefits, I’ll have plenty of reason to not just be married but act married.

Don’t run from the struggles of marriage. Through them you will reflect more of the spirit of Jesus Christ. And thank God that he has placed you in a situation where your spirit can be perfected.

Sacred Marriage, 132-33

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A Bundle of Difficulties

Have you ever noticed that most trials come in batches and bundles?

In one year, a pastor I know suffered through the loss of his father, an attack of kidney stones (perhaps the most painful ordeal any man can go through), and then a diagnosis of prostate cancer. Later that year, a staff member resigned due to a moral failure. This four-pronged attack just about took my breath away – and I wasn’t even the one feeling the pain!

During the same year, a good friend of mine watched his daughter fight off a serious infection, discovered that his mother had Alzheimer’s, and then had one of the most difficult business years of any self-employed person I know. His business entirely depends on two items: the phone and his computer. Someone misappropriated his toll-free number; his phone system crashed two times; a computer glitch lost vital information; an allegedly Christian client cheated him out of tens of thousands of dollars – and then accused my friend of cheating him! When I spoke to him, his deadened voice told me something very wrong had happened. Life had broken him, but he remained solid in his faith and commitment to God.

Why do these bundles of trials seem so common? Why do I not even feign surprise anymore when earnest believers lay out similar stories as they desperately seek direction?

We have only one way to become mature and complete in God. We must develop the difficult but crucial discipline of perseverance. Jesus said that only through perseverance do we bear fruit: “The seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop” (Luke 8:15, emphasis added).

There’s only one way to develop perseverance. We have to surrender to God as we feel pushed past the human breaking point. We have to reach the threshold of exhaustion, and then get pushed even further. One trial can help us deal with fear. Two trials can lead to wisdom. But perseverance? That takes a bundle of difficulties.

Sacred Parenting, 144-45

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A Simple Exercise to Crank Things Up in the Bedroom

In her book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel, a therapist, describes a simple tool to help couples understand each other better. We can live with each other and be married to each other for years and even decades making all kinds of assumptions that may or may not be true. This can especially be the case when it comes to talking about “bedroom” issues.

A few well-worded questions can unlock many discoveries of understanding. One of the things I love about Dr. Perel’s short exercise is that it starts out with a general topic that is less threatening and then moves on to the sex questions that, for some people, may be more difficult to discuss.  

First, separately, answer these questions, writing your answers down:

“When I think of love, I think of…”

“When I love I feel…”

“In love, I look for…”

Next, also separately, answer these questions:

“When I think of sex I think…”

“When I desire sex, I feel…”

“When I am desired, I feel…”

“In sex, I look for…”

“What would you like to experience most with me sexually, and what are you most afraid of?”

Now share your answers, starting with the love questions, which may feel a little “safer.” After that, share your responses to the sex questions. Doing so may lead you to finally say some things about sex that you really want your spouse to know but maybe didn’t know how to say it or ask it.

We’d love to hear how this went if you’d share your comments below. You can always use a pseudonym, so no one needs to know who you are.

Also, for those of you who haven’t yet done so, please keep in mind that Debra Fileta and I would greatly appreciate it if you’d take just a few minutes (less than five) to fill out this seminar on physical intimacy in marriage. It will help us immensely as we work on our book together. Here’s the link: Survey

If you’re wondering what this book is all about, you can read last week’s blogpost here: What I’m Writing Next: A Book on Sex

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Who are Your Reliable People?

Last week, I wrote a blog post urging young adults to devote their best energies and efforts to seek first the Kingdom of God (Trading Cancel Culture for Kingdom Building). God has used young adults in mighty ways throughout history, and I believe today is no exception.

This week, I want to challenge those of us who are a little older to invest our time in this younger generation. Ambitious, egocentric Christians want to become the biggest tree in the forest. Faithful servants want to plant a forest.

My wife and I will be forever grateful to a wonderful campus ministry at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Washington named Campus Christian Fellowship. Our campus pastor, Brady Bobbink, didn’t let any student graduate without knowing 2 Timothy 2:2 by heart:

“And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.”

We talked often about “2 Timothy 2:2ing” the world. Brady concentrated our ministry on evangelism and discipleship with an intentional focus of finding reliable people, qualified to teach others, in whom we could invest our lives.

At eighteen years of age, I wasn’t sure I had that much to invest in others, but Brady used Kingdom theology to make the mission sound compelling: don’t worry about what you don’t yet have, just give whatever God has given you. 

I’ve never stopped looking for those reliable people (and never stopped thanking God for Brady’s faithfulness and influence).

My senior pastor, Dr. Ed Young, also helped direct my life when he pointed out that Jesus chose his disciples, and we should choose ours. I spend plenty of time as a pastor with people who are hurting and need help working through a particular issue or understanding how to apply a sermon or Scripture. But if I’m devoting extended time and thought to someone outside a normal friendship, it’s because I believe we’re in a 2 Timothy 2:2 situation.

We should be looking for people to invest in. If I’m already living a full schedule because there are reliable people and Kingdom minded work filling up my calendar, it is much easier to say “No” to someone who just wants to take up time and be noticed in a toxic sort of way. Of course, as God’s followers we are always open, twenty-four hours a day, to divine appointments to love. The Good Samaritan didn’t check whether the beaten-up traveler was reliable. We want to be generous to all, but focused on a few, as Jesus was. He healed and served and then often sent the recipients home as he focused on his reliable few.

My whole point in urging you to freely, without guilt, walk away from toxic people is to then ask how many reliable people you are investing in. More than I’m trying to get someone out of difficult relationships, my focus is to get people into healthy discipleship relationships. The reason I’ve learned to avoid toxic people and limit my exposure to them is not because I don’t want to be bothered. As a Christian I live to be “bothered” in the sense that I’m to love God in part by loving others. My time isn’t my own! Other people’s needs come before mine.  I limit my exposure to toxic people because I’m devoted to growing God’s church and that requires me to be on the lookout for reliable people who are qualified to teach others, and respond by being generous with my time investing in their spiritual welfare.

God has given me a certain platform when it comes to writing and marriage ministry. As much as I try to honor this by creating content that pleases God and is useful to others, I also reserve a significant time to encourage and spotlight other (often younger) writers that I believe have something important to say. Even if I could become the tallest tree in the forest (which I couldn’t—that’s just not me), I’ll still eventually die; that’s why a Kingdom-minded Christian is more zealous about planting a forest than she or he is about towering over the forest.

If you’re a public school teacher, in finance, business, the arts, married or a parent—what are you doing to help people do what you already do, perhaps even better and more effectively than you’re currently doing it?

Can I make this personal? One of my daughters has been in several churches as she moves around the country. One of the most painful things for her has been that male pastors (like me) often pull in younger men while younger professional women can be treated as if they don’t even exist (or are simply asked to volunteer in the nursery). If you are an older woman (even if you’re only in your thirties, you’re “older” than a woman in her twenties) it could mean so very much if you’d take another woman “under your wings” and invest in her.

I did internal cartwheels of joy when I learned that a young woman who was going through premarital counseling with me was also seeing an older woman in our church for one-on-one mentorship as she prepared for marriage. I knew my friend Laura was giving that young woman excellent advice and spiritual care, in a way, as a male pastor, I simply couldn’t.

You’re not a Paul if you don’t have a Timothy.

You’re not a Priscilla if you don’t have an Apollos.

Don’t judge your impact by how many people know about you; judge your impact by how many forests you’ve planted.

My boyhood pastor, Eugene Boggess, was a powerful man of God. The church he pastored in Washington State was, by Texas standards, tiny. And then he got kicked out of that church and took the pastorate of an even smaller church (I followed him). One of the most sobering conversations of my life was when he told me that God kept calling him to smaller and smaller churches. In a worldly sense it’s supposed to be the reverse: a pastor succeeds at a small church, gets a medium church, and then finally, a mega-church. His kept getting smaller.

Near the end of his life he told my dad that, looking at me and Jerry, and Bonnie and Kim (some other younger people in the youth group), “I guess I must have done something right.” A man who never would have been invited to speak at a pastor’s conference on growing your church rightly reviewed his life by his sons and daughters in the Lord.

My most powerful mentor in seminary, Dr. Klaus Bockmuehl, had an enormous impact on my growth in Christ, just when I needed it most. He was brilliant but died before he was sixty years old. (He seemed so old to me back then, but now I’m within a year of how old he was when he died.) Despite his brilliance and spiritual sensitivity to the things of the Lord, he couldn’t get a traditional English publisher to release his final book (Living by the Gospel), finally settling on a tiny publisher that in the past thirty years has published maybe a dozen books total.   But his ministry focus, stated months before his death, was that “God has called me to lift my students up on my shoulders so that they can go farther than I ever did.”

Dr. Bockmuehl spoke of my future writing ministry where there wasn’t one. How eager I am to see him face to face in eternity and thank him for investing in someone that, from an earthly perspective, was utterly and completely unworthy of his time.

A third mentor was Janet Thoma who, thankfully, is still with us. As an acquisitions editor at Thomas Nelson, she took a chance on me 25 years ago when no one in publishing knew who I was. She heavily edited my first book (Lisa cringed at one of her comments: “Gary, this is way too long, didactic and boring, but I’m going to turn you from a man who wrote a master’s thesis into an author who writes books people want to read”) and gave me invaluable encouragement and training.  

If God has given you any kind of platform and you use it only for yourself, you are missing out on the heart of Kingdom work. Find reliable people and invest in them generously, liberally, and sacrificially.

For more on this, read chapter 7 of When to Walk Away.

I couldn’t find a single copy of Dr. Klaus Bockmuehl’s Living by the Gospel: Christian Roots of Confidence and Purpose available online, but if you ever run across it in a used bookstore, you’ve found a gem. You can, however, still order Dr. Bockmuehl’s Listening to the God Who Speaks which I also highly recommend.

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Trading Cancel Culture for Kingdom Building

Nobly born, wealthy, well-married, and a young mother, Vibia Perpetua typified the ideal of a successful North African woman at the dawn of the third century. Her Christian faith, however, soon turned her idyllic existence into a battleground of alienation when Emperor Septimus Severus announced a decree forbidding conversion to Christianity—and requiring all citizens to offer sacrifices to him, as if he were a god. Those who refused would be thrown to the beasts at the amphitheater for entertainment.

Perpetua made it known that as a follower of Jesus Christ she would not, could not offer sacrifices to the emperor. Her father, beside himself, tried vainly to convince his 22-year-old daughter not to “throw her life away.” He pleaded with her not to bring shame onto him, nor to abandon her child, who was still nursing. Was it really that big of a deal, he asked, to make such a small ceremonial sacrifice?

Perpetua pointed to a ceramic pitcher. “Father, do you see this pitcher?”

“Yes, of course I see it.”

“Can it be called by any name other than what it is?”

“No.”

“So I also cannot be called anything else than what I am, which is a Christian.”

In her diary, Perpetua tells us that, “Enraged by my words, my father came at me as though to tear out my eyes.”

She escaped violence—that time. But on March 7, 203, Perpetua, accompanied by her servant Felicity, entered the amphitheater to face a gruesome death. The young women were stripped naked, but even this bloodthirsty crowd could not bear such a sight. A medieval sourcebook describes the crowd’s horrified reaction: “The people shuddered, seeing one a tender girl, the other her breasts yet dropping from her late childbearing. So they were called back and clothed in loose robes.”

With focused malice, the young women’s executioners chose a bull heifer. Unlike a bear or lion, which often killed their prey with one swipe of a paw, a bull’s killing took time—death by a dozen gores, so to speak. And so, the bulls went to work. After yet another mauling that left the young women torn but not dead, the crowd appealed to the emperor, “Enough!” Even a violence-craving crowd that came specifically to see Christians being torn apart as “entertainment” could take only so much.

The emperor gave the order and a gladiator came out. He was supposed to behead the women, but as he walked up to Perpetua, the hardened killer’s hands started to tremble. Perhaps it was something in Perpetua’s face, something about her eyes—who knows?—but the distracted gladiator’s first blow further injured, but did not kill, the young martyr.

This gladiator’s life had depended on killing strong, trained, and fierce opponents with one blow, lest he be killed himself. Yet when he stood in front of an unarmed, twenty-two-year-old Christian woman who had never held a sword in her life, he stopped short of killing her.  

The crowd became sick to their stomachs. Perpetua saw their pain and showed them all mercy by clutching the gladiator’s hand and guiding his sword to her neck. She was so filled with love that she felt sorry for the blood-thirsty crowd who came solely to see her grotesque execution, and she moved to lessen their pain by helping the failing gladiator to finish his job.

God used Perpetua’s courage and love to energize the church just before it entered a terrible season of persecution. Excepting our Lord Himself, have courage and love ever been more gloriously joined than in this young woman? Her story so inspired the early church that warnings often went out not to treat her diary (widely circulated) like Scripture. No less a light than St. Augustine annually preached sermons in Perpetua’s honor on March 7, the anniversary of her death. Many more Christians would die, but they would do so with Perpetua’s example lighting their way, responding to hate with love, and to violence with compassion.

Kissing the Lepers

When a then 24-year-old Francis of Assisi gave up his family’s fortune to follow Christ, he sensed God telling him, “Francis, all those things that you have loved in the flesh you must now despise, and from those things that you formerly loathed you will drink great sweetness and immeasurable delight.”

A son of affluence living in an age of opulence (for church leaders, anyway), Francis took application seriously. As he pondered these words he asked himself what he used to despise most.

The answer was easy: lepers.

It is difficult for most moderns to understand the terror of that once untreatable disease. Leprosy is an insidious malady in which bacteria seek refuge in the nerves and then proceed to destroy them, one by one. Since the bacteria prefer the cooler parts of the body, toes, fingers, eyes, earlobes, and noses are most vulnerable. When your nerves lose all sensitivity, you become your own worst enemy, not realizing the damage you’re causing to your own body. You could literally rub your eyes blind or leave your hand in a fire.

Eventually, you lose your ability to see, and then you lose your ability to feel, and suddenly, you’re living in a senseless world. The only way to know what you’re holding in your hands is to find any remaining, stubbornly sensitive part on your body—perhaps a quarter inch stretch of your lips, or a half-inch spot on your cheek—and try to guess from the texture and the weight what it is that you’re carrying.

Even apart from the macabre appearance of a leprosy victim, no one wants to end up alienated from the world, so most people kept an understandably wide berth around lepers. It was one of the most feared diseases of its time. “During my life of sin,” Francis wrote, “nothing disgusted me like seeing victims of leprosy.”

Exuberant in his newfound faith and with joy flooding his soul—and remembering that he was now to love and even treasure those things that he formerly loathed—Francis chose not to run from the leper he passed on the side of the road, as he would have earlier in his life. Instead, he leapt down from his horse, knelt in front of the leper, and proceeded to kiss the diseased-white hand.

He kissed it.

Francis then astonished the leper by giving him money. But even that wasn’t enough! No, Francis was determined to “drink great sweetness” from what he formerly loathed, so he jumped back on his horse and rode to a leper colony. Francis “begged their pardon for having so often despised them,” and after giving them money, refused to leave until he had kissed each one of them, joyfully receiving the touch of their pale, encrusted lips. Only then did Francis jump back on his horse to go on his way.

This act was a grotesquely gorgeous parable of a radically changed man. The very instant that Francis’ lips touched the leper, what could have been merely a personal religion gave way to the weight of a sacrificial life. The horse no longer carried a man; that beast transported a saint whose example confronted the opulence of the 13th century church in Italy, called her back to a purer faith in Christ, and continues to inspire us today.

If you want to apply this today, ask yourself who you and your peer group most tend to despise and look down on, and then ask God how He wants you to prophetically respond to that group in the future. Where the world responds with prejudice, apathy and hatred, how can you shine the light of Christ and His love?

We Need Young Women and Men

Young people have a lot of passion; the key is to funnel that passion in the right direction. Perpetua and Francis were known by what they were for, not for what they were against. They understood the current evil–Francis was appalled at the rampant materialism of his day—but instead of picketing the Vatican, he modeled the attraction of a simple life, walking without shoes, refusing to take the title of “priest.” It’s the same thought behind Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous quote, “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

The “end goal” may often be the same, but getting stuck on outrage or cancel culture without latching on to the beauty of the alternative, and practicing that love-based alternative in a prophetic way, is the way of Christ.

Let me stress: I am not telling anyone how to confront today’s injustices. I am instead inviting young adults to lose themselves in service to the majestic, powerful, lovely and glorious Christ who so captured the affection of Perpetua and Francis that earthly comforts could not compete with their heaven-sent passion. 

Young people won’t—and shouldn’t—give their lives for a set of rules or prohibitions. God’s work has been built on the church representing a glorious passion for something even better than the best this world has to offer. Their roles, giftings and callings must be respected. They won’t wait. They won’t. They want to serve now. And if they can’t serve the church now, they’ll find something else to serve.

In their early twenties, Perpetua and Francis would be considered part of the “youth adult ministry” by church leadership today, yet both of them prophetically inspired and redirected the church—Perpetua in a time of persecution, Francis in a time of affluence.  The Holy Spirit equips young believers in every generation to face the particular socio-political crisis of that generation’s time. We can thus be certain He’s calling out to young people today, right now. I just pray young adults are listening. The church needs your passion and service, even if certain elements within the church may seem to put roadblocks in your way. Like Perpetua and Francis, you may end up disagreeing with older adults in pursuit of your faith.

If you’re one of these young people, you realize how uninspiring it is to give yourself to a limited Christianity that is primarily about your own salvation after you die. Praying the “sinner’s prayer” is the beginning, not the end of your faith. Jesus said to continually keep putting His kingdom first over your own (Matt. 6:33). Paul said that Christ died for all so that those who “live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised” (2 Cor. 5:15).  Throughout history, God has taken formerly selfish, narcissistic individuals who once lived only for themselves, and transformed them into prophets of compassion, wisdom and inspiration. Perpetua left a life of luxury to face the gladiator; Francis walked away from a fortune and gave his money to the lepers. The older we get, the more difficult it is to live such inspiring lives. Young people can call us back to what truly matters.    

Regardless of our age, if we are believers, our clear “marching orders” from Jesus are to seek first the Kingdom of God (Matt. 6:33). First. There are many good causes out there, but will we embrace the greatest one? Has our faith become all about us—our temptations, our prayer requests, our family, our world—or is it becoming enlarged enough to embrace and to care about all that God is doing? The path to true fulfillment comes from dying to our own world and being reborn to live for another. Now in eternity, does anybody think either Perpetua or Francis regret their passionate pursuit of God’s kingdom while they lived on this earth? In the same way, those of you who serve God from the time you are young will never regret the years of sacrifice of service.

https://garythomas.com/books/holy-available/

God wants to take the unique you—your gifts, background, weaknesses, hurts, limitations—and use them to express his transforming power to change the world through a radically imperfect person.  What could be more exciting than that?  What, at the end of our lives, could we ever think would be worth half as much as giving ourselves over to this?

Gary tells more of Perpetua’s and Francis’ stories in his book Holy Available.

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What I’m Writing Next: A Book on Sex

“Gary,” my friend asked me and a number of other writers/speakers/pastors involved in national marriage ministry. “What’s the one book you’d recommend for Christian couples about sex?”

This man has been in marriage ministry for over a decade. At the time, he was on staff of a church that may have the most proactive marriage ministry in the nation. But he couldn’t find what he wanted to find when it came to recommending a book focused on sexuality from a Christian perspective that both husbands and wives would enjoy and learn from.

The email he sent me was addressed to multiple other national marriage ministry teachers and pastors. A few of the most popular books were mentioned, all with caveats.

“This book is okay, but guys like it more than women. And the male centric language means fewer and fewer wives will finish it.”

“This one was popular when my spouse and I first got married, but it’s a bit dated.”

“This one addresses wives, but it doesn’t talk to husbands, so couples won’t read it together.”

I’ve been thinking about writing a book on sex for over a decade. I’ve looked at so many other aspects of marriage, and during my seminars my talk on sex is often the most remarked upon, but I didn’t know that I wanted to spend the year it takes to read about sex and think about sex and write about sex several hours a day.

I remember telling Lisa: “It would be a bit embarrassing at the end of my life if I spent more time reading about, talking about, and writing about sex than actually having sex. And I think doing on a book on it would put that over the edge.”

But the joint email pleaded for something new, something that both husbands and wives could enjoy, that churches could trust, that could instruct new couples and inspire older couples.

Given the current sociological climate, my publisher (Zondervan) and I didn’t feel that the time was right for an older male to write a book on his own lecturing men and women about sex. But then, in a collaboration that I believe was inspired, we hit on this idea: what if I, as a fifty-something male pastor who has been married over thirty-five years and has spent so much time writing and thinking about marriage, joined with a thirty-something female licensed counselor? The book could benefit from a male and female perspective; from a pastor who focuses on the spiritual side and a licensed counselor who focuses on the practical side; and a younger couple and an older couple could offer perspectives from different seasons of marriage?

Thus began the collaboration with Debra Fileta and myself. Debra is the author of several books I’ve already endorsed. She made her name with a book for singles, True Love Dates, and has since branched out to write some notable marriage titles such as Choosing Marriage and Love in Every Season. She has worked as a licensed counselor for over a decade and has even specialized in helping couples deal with sexual issues.

For the past several months, we’ve been trying to create the “go to” book for Christian couples who want to learn about and grow in their sexual relationship. Our aim is to write something that both husbands and wives can be enthusiastic about, and that both younger and older couples can learn from.  Debra describes it this way: “This book is candid, practical, and rooted in God’s word. It’s filled with real-life stories, clinical solutions, and biblical truths that will challenge and change your view and perspective on sex.”

We have a working title, but not a “definitive” final title, so I’m withholding that for the moment, but the publication date is exactly a year from now: the fall of 2021.

As we try to finish up, we could use your help. To make this book as comprehensive, practical, and helpful as possible, we’d love for married couples to take this short 3 minute survey together, and give us feedback, information, and perspective on the topics that would be most helpful for you. 

Please TAKE A MOMENT TO FILL OUT THIS SURVEY

By clicking the survey above, you’ll not only get to stay connected to this project as it unfolds, but your input will be used to help guide this resource as it takes shape. 

Debra and I are excited to be working together, but even more excited for all that God is going to do in your life and your marriage through this new resource. We covet your prayers and input as we seek to serve God’s church by helping wives and husbands enjoy (and keep enjoying) the fulfilling sexual relationship God created them to experience.

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How to Keep Cherishing Your Spouse

I heard a man talk about his 9-year-old’s son passion to ride hoverboards. The dad wanted to be cool and impress his son but he just couldn’t master riding one without falling off, even though he’s a pretty athletic guy. His young son kept telling him, “Dad, just think about where you want to go and it’ll go there.” The dad thought that was absurd so he kept “oversteering” and falling off. When he finally took his young son’s advice, it worked. Thinking about the direction created subtle changes in his feet, and that was all that was needed to steer the hoverboard.

This notion of “thinking about where you want to go and you’ll go there” is thoroughly biblical. We’re told to “be transformed by the renewing of our minds” (Romans 12:2). In Philippians 4:8, Paul essentially tells us to “think about what you think about.” That is, direct our minds into spiritually profitable places.

We’re wrapping up our summer long “Cherish Challenge” and in a sincere desire to give this challenge legs, we’re ending with how God continually pours out his power so that we can keep cherishing an imperfect person. Just like riding a hoverboard, it’s all in our head.

Near the end of my Cherish seminars I make the case that those who are able to sustain a cherishing marriage with an imperfect spouse (and of course there are no perfect spouses) meditate often on the kindness and grace of God; those who give up cherishing their spouse meditate often on the faults and failures of their spouse. A high-functioning marriage depends entirely on what direction our minds are pointed.

What I love about this is that, once again, the key to what we need to succeed in marriage is the key to what we need to fulfill God’s purpose for life in general. Marriage can train us to become the kind of people we should be in all respects and in all relationships.

Because I spend entirely too much time obsessed with myself, my standing before God, my obedience or lack thereof, etc., reading J.I. Packer’s reflections on the life of Nehemiah (A Passion for Faithfulness) was one of the most refreshing “spiritual showers” I’ve ever taken. Like the wise sage that he was, Packer calls us to redirect our thinking back to where it should be: the beauty, the power, the glory and the might of our God. Thinking about God, adoring God, reminding ourselves of His unparalleled beauty and perfect nature, gives us motivation, hope, encouragement and direction like nothing else can.

Packer points out how the strength, motivation and empowering presence that fueled Nehemiah’s incredible accomplishment (rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem in the face of much opposition) grew out of his obsessive focus on the qualities and excellencies of God: “The God of Nehemiah is the transcendent Creator, the God ‘of heaven’ (1:4-5; 2:4, 20), self-sustaining, self-energizing, and eternal (‘from everlasting to everlasting,’ 9:5). He is ‘great’ (8:6), ‘great and awesome’ (1:5, 4:14), ‘great, mighty and awesome’ (9:32), and the angels (‘the multitudes of heaven’) worship him (9:6). Lord of history, God of judgment and mercy, ‘a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love’ (9:17; see Exodus 34:6-7). God was to Nehemiah the sublimest, most permanent, most pervasive, most intimate, most humbling, exalting, and commanding of all realities. The basis on which…Nehemiah attempted great things for God and expected great things from God was that…he had grasped the greatness of God himself.”

So, let me restate this for marriage: “God is to a cherishing husband and wife the sublimest, most permanent, most pervasive, most intimate, most humbling, exalting, and commanding of all realities. The basis on which they attempted great things for God and expected great things from God—including building a cherishing marriage—was that they had grasped the greatness of God himself.”

As we seek to build the “wall” of a cherishing marriage, we can apply the very same lesson: to believe great things for your marriage, your children, your friends, and your service you need to first grasp the greatness of God. Don’t focus on how weak you or your family are or how desperate the situation may be. Focus on the greatness of your God. Be willing to “try out” the supernatural power of God which can shepherd you and your marriage to green pastures you never dreamed existed.

It’s not foolish to hope when you root your hope in the power and presence of God. Just look at his track record! Throughout history God has saved the radically rebellious; he has emboldened the cowardly; he has healed the sick, given wisdom to the foolish and even made this amazing world out of…nothing. A God who can do that is a God who can do whatever needs to be done in your life, family or ministry.

Think less of the problem, and more of God’s intelligence; less of the challenge, and more of God’s provision; less of your sin and more of God’s grace; less of the need and more of God’s promised provision. Begin your prayers by adoring God, end your prayers thanking God, and never let a significant point of time go by without celebrating the wonders of God.

The theme of this website and blog is “Closer to Christ, Closer to Others.” As we draw nearer to God, we are able to draw nearer to our loved ones. And, in turn, the things we learn in drawing closer to each other can also be used to help us draw closer to God. It’s a glorious circle as we seek to live a wondrous God-centered life.

This is the last week of the Cherish Challenge. We’d love to hear your testimony about how God has used this summer to draw you closer to each other. You can write on our web page Cherish Challenge 2020.

Cherish Challenge Week 11

Read chapter 13 of Cherish, “Biblical Power to Keep on Cherishing.”Share with each other your three favorite characteristics of God.Talk about how each of these characteristics of God can offer hope to you in your life, marriage, and family.Discuss ways that you can keep these qualities of God in the forefront of your mind.We’d love to hear how doing the Cherish Challenge this summer has helped the two of you grow closer together. Please share any testimonies with us so that we can in turn share them with others on our web page Cherish Challenge 2020.And a final favor: if you’ve read Cherish and enjoyed it, would you please leave a review on Amazon and/or Christianbook.com? We’d be so very grateful. 

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Nine Ways to Connect with God

Do you ever feel guilty because the traditional quiet time just doesn’t cut it for you?  Are you increasingly frustrated by a “one size fits all spirituality” that most definitely does not fit you? Don’t despair; scripture and the history of Christian tradition reveal a remarkable diversity of personal devotional styles. 

This week we’re celebrating a new release of Sacred Pathways: Nine Ways to Connect with God. It has a new cover and a new section that explores the pathways in light of the increasing focus on the Enneagram. This post will briefly summarize the nine spiritual pathways as you seek to learn to love God according to the way He designed you.

The Naturalist

Naturalists are those believers whose hearts best soar toward God when they get outside and are surrounded by all that He has made. There’s something about being surrounded by God’s creation, the beauty of nature, that bends them toward worship and adoration. Trying to pray inside a room, with their heads bowed and eyes closed, would be one of the least effective prayer styles for them.

In Psalm 19:1, David extols nature’s ability to awaken our cold hearts to God’s warm presence: “The heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork.” The apostle Paul spoke of a similar reality in Romans 1:20 when he wrote, “For since the creation of the world, His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made.”  Both writers testify to the reality experienced by naturalists—being out of doors does something to awaken our hearts to God. 

Most of God’s appearances in Scripture occurred in the out of doors—Hagar in the desert, Jacob beside a river, and Moses on a mountain. In fact, the very picture of heaven on earth was the Garden of Eden—not a cathedral!  Not a Starbucks.  And certainly not a shopping mall.  Adam and Eve enjoyed a close walk with God in a garden.

If you find that you can’t sit still at your desk without falling asleep; or that you’re bored by trying to comb through devotional books while lying on your bed, consider getting outside and using nature to awaken your heart.

The Sensate

The best avenues for some believers to commune with God are the five senses: taste, touch, hearing, seeing, and even smelling. Just as naturalists are spiritually awakened while walking through a forest, so sensates become spiritually attuned when their senses are brought into play.  Majestic music, symbolic architecture, outstanding art, or the sensory experience of communion are dear friends and powerful spiritual aids.

We’re not angels or ethereal beings, floating around in the air. God created us with bodies, and it shouldn’t surprise us that He can use those bodies to awaken our souls to His presence. This is especially true for those believers we can call “sensates.”

The books of Ezekiel and Revelation reveal a God who comes in a very sense-oriented way: there are loud sounds, flashing lights, even sweet tastes.  Eastern Orthodox worship, with its bright colors, intense smells, and frequent touching (even occasional kissing!) recognizes the importance of bringing our senses into play.

The Traditionalist

For traditionalists, religion is not a dirty word—it is an outgrowth of their relationship with God. These believers appreciate the role of ritual, which builds on the power of reinforced behavior.  There is something profound to them in worshipping God according to set patterns—their own, or history’s. They may organize their life around scheduled times of prayer and may even choose to carefully observe the Christian calendar, aligning themselves with centuries of faith.   According to Acts, both Peter and John had set times for prayer. And Paul followed the custom of praying by the riverside on the Sabbath.

In addition to establishing rituals, traditionalists often make good use of Christian symbols. We tend to quickly forget even convicting insights and soul-searing truth.  Carefully chosen symbols help to remind us of those truths we want to live by. 

Routine can be boring to some and spiritually soporific for others, but for the traditionalist, familiar patterns of worship can function like a high-powered battery ushering them into a delightful sense of God’s presence.

The Ascetic

When you think of an ascetic, think of a monk or nun.  Ascetics meet God internally—they don’t want the distractions of a museum or a group meeting, as they prefer to shut out the world and meet God in solitude and austerity.  For them, the best environment for personal worship is silence, without any noisy or colorful stimulants.

Accordingly, ascetics usually need to get alone on a regular basis.  They may prefer solitary retreats, or at least a quiet place with a rather orderly environment.  They are often advocates of all night prayer vigils and many of the classical disciplines, such as fasting and meditation.

The Activist

Activists love to meet God in the vortex of confrontation.  They want to fight God’s battles.  For them, church is primarily a place to collect signatures and sign up volunteers for the “real work” of the Gospel that takes place outside the church building. 

Activists constitute the movers and shakers of the Christian community.  They may take a political bent or adopt an evangelistic emphasis, but what marks them as an activist is that they feel most alive spiritually when they are in the midst of God’s active (often confrontational) work.  That’s when God seems most real, most immanent, and most exciting.

The Caregiver

Caregivers love God by loving others. Providing care and meeting needs in Jesus’ name spiritually energizes them and draws them ever closer to the Lord.  For caregivers, caregiving isn’t an obligation as much as it is a threshold to intimacy with God.

Caregiving extends beyond nursing sick people; it could include fixing a widow’s car, serving as a volunteer firefighter, or researching a cure for a disease.  A caregiver is comforted by Jesus’ words, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.” (Matthew 25:40)  To a caregiver, God seems nearest when they are looking at him through the eyes of a sick child or hurting friend.

The Enthusiast

An enthusiast loves the excitement and celebration of their faith.  They tend to be more relational, and therefore favor group worship.  They feed off the excitement of other believers praising God.

Enthusiasts also revel in God’s mystery and supernatural power.  They like to take spiritual risks and wake up hoping God will do something new and fresh.  Enthusiasts don’t want to just know Scriptural concepts, they want to experience and be moved by them. Their exuberance tends to lead them to embrace things like dancing, music, drawing, singing, and other creative forms of worship.

Whereas the traditionalist is comforted by routine, the enthusiast wakes up hoping that God will move in a fresh way that they’ve never seen Him move in before.

The Contemplative

Contemplatives are marked by an emotional attachment and even abandonment to God.  They are God’s lovers, and they want to spend their time in God’s presence, adoring him, listening to him, enjoying him.  Intellectuals want to understand new things about God; activists want to fight God’s battles; but contemplatives want to adore God and to know him better.

These Christians resemble ascetics in that their passion for God often leads them into solitude, where they can just sit still and enjoy being in God’s presence. Their watchwords are desire and relationship, as affirmed by Jesus in John 15:15: “I no longer call you servants… Instead I have called you friends.”

Contemplatives enjoy doing the things that couples like to do: demonstrating their love for God through secret acts of devotion, giving gifts to God like the gift of a poem, or an anonymous act of charity.  They often favor the discipline of journal writing, where they can explore their heart’s devotion.

The Intellectual

In this context, “intellectual” doesn’t necessarily mean “smart,” but rather, a heart that is most often awakened when they understand new concepts about God.  Their minds are very active, and new intellectual understanding literally births affection; it creates respect for the creator, which leads to worship.

Intellectuals are usually the ones stressing Bible study as the mainstay of their devotion.  But some may also have curious minds in areas beyond the Bible—biology, astronomy, even physics.  The more they understand about truth and God’s universe, the more in awe of God—and therefore in love with Him—they become.

Just as the naturalist can’t wait to get out of doors; the sensate is eager to visit the cathedral; the ascetic scurries off into his inner world; so the intellectual seeks God in the pages of a book, an inspiring lecture or sermon, or the vast ruminations of their minds. 

Most of Us Are Blends

Do you see yourself in any of the above categories?  Don’t feel that you have to choose just one; most of us are blends, and many of us will move in and out of certain temperaments as we age.  The important thing is not to find the right “label,” but to understand how you best connect with God so that you can more deliberately and consciously cultivate an increasing affection for your creator.

God made you with a specific design.  You will certainly bear similarities to certain other believers, but you most celebrate the creative quality of God when you give yourself permission to seek His face in a way that honors His creative design—beginning with your own spiritual makeup.

The book Sacred Pathways goes into each temperament far more thoroughly, with tests and warnings for the particular temptations of each temperament. There’s also a new chapter that discusses any possible correlation between the Enneagram and the pathways.

Let me say in closing that I want to honor you and your resources. If you have an older copy (2010 edition) of Sacred Pathways, it’s not worth it to purchase the new one. The changes are minimal—mostly just the addition of the section on the Enneagram. The new cover looks very nice, but I don’t want to mislead you.

You can read more about the book here: Sacred Pathways

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