Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 39

Loving Your Spouse by Pursuing a Divorce

After I asked Bob Lepine to send us an article featuring his excellent book Love Like You Mean It, I was shocked when I saw that Bob, the cohost of Family Life Today’s long running radio program, sent me an article entitled “Loving Your Spouse by Pursuing a Divorce.” If you know Bob as I do, including his commitment to Scripture and his passion to sustain and build healthy marriages, you would have been equally surprised.

But I agree with what Bob says here. It definitely has a When to Walk Away vibe, and I’m grateful to him for sharing it with us this week. His book, Love Like You Mean It, is one of the best marriage books I’ve read over the past several years. If you enjoy his thinking here, check out the link at the end of this article for his book. If you want more explanation along the lines of what Bob addresses here, check out the link for When to Walk Away.

Loving Your Spouse By Pursuing A Divorce

By Bob Lepine

(names and details have been changed)

Rebecca needed help.  She didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  She was frightened and confused.

She asked if she could meet with the church elders for prayer and counsel.  One of the staff pastors already knew some of what was happening in her marriage.  The rest of us were taken by surprise. 

I had been serving as a lay leader in the church for several years when Rebecca came to meet with us.  She and her husband Tony had been members for as long as I’d been there.  They came to church regularly.  Their three children were bright, happy, regular kids. 

So when Rebecca began to share about Tony’s explosive anger and his regular marijuana use, we were stunned.  We hadn’t seen any signs. 

The reason Rebecca had asked to see us this evening was that Tony’s anger had begun to escalate.  A week prior, in a rage, he had thrown a water pitcher – not at her exactly, but in her direction.  She had told him to leave or she was going to call the police.  He left.

As church leaders, we knew what we needed to do.  We scheduled another meeting quickly and asked Tony to meet with us to talk about his marriage.  We were encouraged when he agreed.

Tony admitted that on occasion his anger had gotten out of control.  He did not try to hide his regular marijuana use from us either.  His willingness to be transparent with us was heartening.  He began to weep when he talked about Rebecca and their children.  Through tears, he told us he would do anything to make his marriage work.  We had hope.   

We told him that he would need regular pastoral counseling.  We also told him he would need to be willing to take a drug test once a week to show his commitment to sobriety.  And we told him we would be in regular contact with Rebecca to hear from her about any fears or concerns she was having as they moved forward.  Our top priority was her physical and emotional safety. 

This was phase one of the restoration plan, we told him.  Long term, he and Rebecca would need marriage counseling.

Tony was on board.  He reiterated his commitment to do “whatever it takes.”

Two weeks later, he skipped a counseling session.  He also didn’t show up for his drug test.  Rebecca said there was a night when he didn’t come home and didn’t answer his phone.

Over the next few months, as Tony went AWOL, we continued to work with Rebecca, offering counsel and help.  Tony quit coming to church.  On any given day, Rebecca didn’t know if Tony was coming home or not.  Money was disappearing from their account.  Rebecca was staying strong, but hanging on by a thread.  She told us she still loved Tony and was praying for him regularly.  Her desire was that God would bring Tony to his senses, and that their marriage would be restored. 

After months of working with Rebecca and getting nowhere with Tony, we sat together at an elders meeting and I found myself saying something I never thought I’d say.  “Rebecca needs to file for divorce.”   All of us agreed.

For almost three decades, I’ve co-hosted a nationally syndicated radio program called FamilyLife Today.  I’ve spoken at marriage events throughout the US and around the world.  I’ve told couples that the “D” word – divorce – should be removed from their vocabulary.  I’ve stressed the sanctity of the marriage covenant.  There is no marriage that cannot be restored, I’ve said, as long as two people are willing to do the work it takes.

So to be suggesting that someone in our church should pursue a divorce felt like heresy to me.  Maybe it does to you too.  But in the years since, as I’ve continued in church leadership and in pastoral ministry, I’ve found myself giving the same advice again to other husbands and wives.  And I’m convinced there are times when encouraging someone to pursue a divorce is sound, biblical counsel. 

When Jesus was asked about divorce in Matthew 19, He knew His questioners were insincere.  The debate in Jesus’s day was not whether divorce was acceptable.  Everyone agreed that a husband could divorce his wife (it was not permissible for a wife to divorce her husband.  In that patriarchal culture, men had all the power).

The question the teachers of the law were asking Jesus was “is it permissible for a man to divorce his wife for any reason (ital. added).”  One group believed it was a man’s prerogative to be done with his marriage for any reason he chose.  All he had to do was say the word and the marriage was ended.  The wife was on her own. 

The other school of thought was that a husband needed grounds for divorce.  The Bible says that when Joseph found that Mary was pregnant while they were betrothed, he planned to quietly end the relationship.  The assumption that she had been with another man during the betrothal was grounds for “putting her away” – in effect, divorcing her (Jews saw betrothal as binding as the covenant of marriage).

So the question for Jesus was essentially, can a man divorce his wife for any reason, or does he need grounds, like infidelity?

Jesus’ answer affirms God’s design for marriage.  “From the beginning,” Jesus says, “God’s plan has been that a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh.”  Marriage is a sacred, divine institution.  It’s a picture of Christ and His church.  The one flesh union between a husband and a wife is meant to give us a living picture of the love and unity shared by God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit for all eternity.  The one flesh union of the husband and wife in marriage is the final act of creation.  It’s the last thing God does before He rests.

“But,” Jesus says, “Moses allows for divorce because of the hardness of your hearts.”  The Jewish law regulates divorce, recognizing that a husband or wife may wind up needing protection from a hardhearted spouse.  The Mosaic law is there to offer that protection.

There were a lot of factors that went into our decision to recommend to Rebecca that she pursue a divorce from Tony.  Rebecca needed the protection that only a divorce could provide.  She needed economic protection, as Tony was taking money from their account, presumably for drugs.  She needed physical protection for herself and her children from a man whose behavior had become erratic and violent.  And she needed emotional protection from the trauma she was experiencing with her life and marriage in chaos. 

And our hope – our prayer – was that the reality of a pending divorce might be the shock Tony needed to see where his choices were leading him.  She loved her husband. And she realized that remaining married to Tony was enabling his sinful patterns and behavior.  Enabling those patterns is not an act of love.  Rebecca was pursuing a divorce in hopes that it might be the wake up call God would use to put their marriage back on a path toward restoration.  Even as she was initiating the divorce, she was hoping and praying for reconciliation and restoration of her marriage.

It’s critical to add here that Rebecca was not making this decision on her own.  She had not rallied the support of a few sympathetic friends who were cheering her on.  She had sought the godly counsel of church leaders who loved her and who she knew were committed to the sanctity of the marriage bond.  She was moving forward with the divorce only after she had our blessing and support. 

Over the years, I’ve talked to a number of couples who have told me that it wasn’t until they experienced the devastating reality of divorce that they finally saw clearly their sinful actions in marriage.  It took a divorce to break them and bring them to their senses.  Like the prodigal son in the pig sty, life after divorce finally caused them to say “what am I doing here?  How did I get here?”

Those stories are sadly atypical.  The experience of going through a divorce is excruciating.  It’s hard to recover.  The pain goes deep. Trust has been broken, and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work.  The thought of trying again feels risky.  Too risky.  Most couples who divorce are too scarred to want to even think about reconciliation.   

What Rebecca hoped for didn’t happen.  I wish I had the happy ending to report.  But Tony moved on.  So did she.  As a church, we saw God pour out his grace on Rebecca and her children as they walked a very hard path.  Rebecca clung to her faith and to the friends who came around her and supported her after Tony left.

Through it all, Rebecca did not become embittered against Tony.  I’m sure she had her dark nights of the soul where she had to fight against her flesh.  But she made it her aim to pray for him and to never speak evil of him.  With the support of her church leaders, she had pursued the divorce in part for her own protection, but also because she loved Tony.  She knew she had to do something to try to help him see his anger and substance abuse for what they were – sins against her and against God.  She pursued a divorce hoping it would provide a shock to his system.  It didn’t.

Rebecca’s motivation for divorce was not to hurt or harm Tony.  She was not consumed with bitterness.  She did not want revenge of some kind.  She was protecting herself and her children.  And she was trying to love a stubborn, hardhearted man.  She knew God’s design for marriage is for one man and one woman to become one flesh and stay together until death parts them.  That’s the outcome she was hoping for even as she filed the paperwork.   What motivated Rebecca to pursue her divorce was, in part, her love for her husband.

The post Loving Your Spouse by Pursuing a Divorce appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Celebrating Christmas Your Way Part 2

Last week, we introduced the idea of incorporating knowledge of your sacred pathway to increase your celebration and worship during the Christmas season. We talked about naturalists, sensates, and traditionalists. If you missed that post, you can read it HERE.

This week we’re going to look at three more pathways and how these believers can make the most of this Christmas season: ascetics, activists, and caregivers.

Ascetics

Ascetic believers are those who make us think of monks and nuns. They like to get away and be alone for their most intense worship, they tend to be strict in their life and practice, and they usually prefer austerity over ornamentation, all of which means they are likely to wake up before (or stay up later than) anyone else so that they can worship in private. The fact that it gets darker sooner and stays darker longer is a plus for ascetics, as the dark is the perfect backdrop for ascetics to get lost in the interior form of worship that they prefer.

Unlike a sensate, if you’re an ascetic you’re probably not going to be moved by a glitzy display of lights and decorations. You prefer a comfortable quiet place where you won’t be distracted or disturbed. I’ve been known, when sharing a hotel room with my wife, to scope out the nooks and crannies of a hotel to find a place in the morning to get away for a little bit. As your family decorates the house, let them know you’d like one little corner to be free of distracting sights, sounds, or smells.

One of the favored acts of ascetics include night watches. If you’re not an ascetic, you probably don’t get it. M. Basil Pennington points out that “the value and effect of watching can only be known by experience.” This is the season above all others to enjoy night watches. For some reason I don’t fully understand, the night just seems holier during advent. I don’t know why and I can’t defend that thought, but to me, it certainly feels that way.

Another practice for ascetics is being still (silent). You need the quiet and you get spiritually “tired” if you’re always conversing, especially if it’s small talk. If you’re spending time with the extended family (not as likely this year, I guess) you’re probably going to have to get away for a bit. If you’re married to an ascetic, make this as easy as possible for your spouse. The family doesn’t have to be together twenty-four hours a day to be an intimate family. Give your loved one permission and even encouragement to get spiritually charged up by getting into a quiet place where they don’t have to talk for a bit.

Fasting is going to be difficult in this season, especially during a family celebration, but you can practice obedience, another favored practice of ascetics. Let your “gift” to Jesus be an act of surrendering something you’ve been stubbornly holding onto that you know isn’t pleasing or glorifying to God.  Mentally wrap it, present it to your Savior, and walk in the intimacy that follows.

Activists

The challenge for activists is that the family celebration time on Christmas day may feel a little bit like an interruption to what “really matters,” which is why your activist family member will be the first to suggest you spend Christmas afternoon at a soup kitchen or passing out warm blankets to the homeless (which aren’t entirely bad ideas).

Your presents to others may include gifts to international development ministries in their names or books on current topics. Just be aware that giving White Fragility to anyone who watches Tucker Carlson probably isn’t going to end well. Don’t let your activism break apart what is supposed to be a time of family togetherness and celebration. Most people will crave a break from a raucous year of activism and news packed with controversial debates. If you think it’s important to give a provocative book to a relative, wait until New Year’s. There’s no law that says you can’t give gifts after Christmas. Don’t let your activism spoil the day for others.

For you, your greatest excitement is probably going to come from what happens before and after Christmas day. Perhaps you’ll be a lead person to bring food and toys to disadvantaged communities, such as the program sponsored by Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas called Angels of Light.

To stay grounded, re-read passages of Scripture that speak of Christ’s coming into the world as a promise of setting things right, such as Luke 14:66ff:

“He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

‘The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.’[f]

 Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, ‘Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.’”

If you grow discouraged that you seem to be the only person in your family who “truly cares” and who asks himself or herself, “How can we give each other expensive presents and enjoy luxurious feasting when there is so much injustice going on!” just remember that Jesus occasionally took his disciples aside for special meals and times of rest, and that He even went to a party or two (not to mention supplying wine at a wedding reception). It may be impossible for you to turn the activist in you off, but you can turn it down a few notches. There are 364 other days in the year when you can be fully engaged in your cause du jour.  Enjoy your family and celebrate the Savior who stood up for justice as no one else ever has or ever will. Besides, when you honor your grandparents by making the day joyful and celebratory instead of filled with conflict and arguments, you win God’s heart: “Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…” (James 1:2)

Also remember that life is about glorifying Jesus more than it is about glorifying your cause. This is a day to remember Jesus, to celebrate Jesus and to worship Jesus. He’s the reason you care, so it’s wise to give a day remembering, celebrating, adoring, and worshiping Him.

Caregivers

Christmas was made for you caregivers, in that the season celebrates giving and acts of kindness. It might seem weird to give neighbors free food or shovel their walkway during other times of the year, but during Christmas it becomes a way to celebrate the season, so go for it!

If you’re married to a caregiver, don’t be surprised if they want to invite a widow, a friend in recovery, or some kind of outcast who would otherwise be alone on this day. That person may not “fit” into your family but let your caregiver worship God by wanting to include someone else. They know they can’t feed and invite everyone, but they’ll enjoy the day so much more if they know they can make it more special for at least one other person.

If there’s a widow on your block, offer to hang her lights or bring in her Christmas tree. Do her shopping if she’s afraid of leaving the house. I love giving presents to my family members, but just as much, I treasure those moments when our family “adopts” another family. Last Christmas we went to Costco to pick up some much-needed items in the middle of Second’s outreach, “Angels of Light.” I passed a church member whose cart was filled with almost the exact same items.

“Angels of Light?” I asked.

“Of course!” he laughed.

Any guilt about spoiling a family member is eased a little bit when you know you’ve also invested in another family’s joy and celebration.

Your caregiving spouse is going to bring extra food to the family gathering, even though they’ve been told not to. And even if there was a “drawing” for Christmas gifts, you can bet the caregiver will have a few extra presents to hand out. “It’s not really a gift; I just saw it and thought you’d like it.”

A woman I work with has a wonderful “ministry” on the side that has blessed my family immeasurably. She’s the Zen master of Christmas gift wrapping and loves to do it. The first year my wife was very impressed, but also very suspicious, so I fessed up about who really wrapped it. Lisa loved having such nicely wrapped gifts to put in front of the tree though, so I’m inclined to take advantage of that caregiver’s heart year after year. She’s become a Christmas tradition in our family!

Whether your gift is shoveling snow, hanging up lights, cutting firewood, baking cookies, visiting someone who is going to be in the hospital or prison, you’re going to hang on to Jesus’ challenging words to His disciples: “You give them something to eat” (Matt. 14:16).

Another good passage for you to meditate on (which you probably already know by heart) is Matthew 25: 35-40:

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’”

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”

Next week, we’ll complete this series by looking at how enthusiasts, contemplatives, and intellectuals can make the most of their Christmas season.

And one more thing: If you identify with any of these three pathways, please share with us some of your own favored practices in the comments. None of these are my primary pathway, so I might have left a few obvious practices out.

Read more about the Sacred Pathways: 9 Ways to Connect with God here….

The post Celebrating Christmas Your Way Part 2 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Protect Your Holidays from Toxic People

Brian’s wife Angie and his mother don’t get along, though Angie has tried. Angie is a sensitive Christian who earnestly prays for her mother-in-law, but every holiday the passive aggressive (and sometimes not so passive) abuse she gets from her mother-in-law takes weeks to recover from.

One year she had finally reached her limit. “I really can’t even stomach the thought of spending this Christmas with your parents,” she told Brian.

Brian’s mom regularly preaches the “gospel of family” above all else, especially when it comes to holidays. Not showing up for Christmas would be seen as a declaration of war.

Brian asked me what he was supposed to do.

I didn’t think “the right thing to do” was that difficult to understand, though it might feel difficult to put into practice.

“Treat your mom as if she was healthy, spiritually speaking,” I said. “If my son called me and said, ‘Dad, I’m sorry, but for the sake of my marriage we can’t spend Christmas with you this year’ it would break my heart. But I hope I’d reply, ‘Son, you’re making the right choice. Your wife comes first.  In fact, I’m proud of you for making what I’m sure is a tough decision. You’re a good husband.’ Any healthy person would tell a husband to back his wife. So treat your mom like she’s healthy, explain what’s going on, and invite her to respond like a healthy person would. If she doesn’t like that, that’s on her, not you.”

Christians need to stop worrying about the unhealthy fallout of unhealthy people who are challenged by healthy decisions. We can’t control (and God doesn’t hold us accountable for) the way someone responds. We control trying to be as loving, true, honest, gentle, and kind as our God calls us to be as we live with healthy, God-ordained priorities.

It helped Brian when I explained how few holidays he and Angie had left with his children. His oldest child was twelve, his youngest eight. “Once your kids move out and get married,” I told him, “holidays will never be the same. There is a finite number of Christmases when the kids are young, which makes each one of them precious. Sacrificing your wife’s and kids’ relatively few Christmases together to placate an abusive person doesn’t honor God, and it won’t help the toxic person. Who knows, maybe losing a family Christmas together will help your mom face how destructive of an influence she’s become and motivate her to seek some help.”

“But what about the commandment to honor your mother and father?” Brian asked.

“You most honor your mother when you treat her like she’s healthy. It’s dishonoring to give way to toxicity. You’re accommodating her evil and that’s not helpful to her and it’s destructive to your family. Besides, the same God who said to honor your mother and father is the God who said, ‘This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife’” (Gen. 2:24).

My life (and counsel) changed when I did an in-depth study of how Jesus spoke to and then treated toxic people, which became the basis of When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People. Well-meaning believers can let false guilt open the door for toxic people to assault our personal peace and wreak havoc in our families, especially when it comes to holidays. When we realize how often Jesus walked away from toxic and hard-hearted encounters, or let others walk away from Him, we’ll realize that walking away isn’t always a sign of defeat; sometimes, it’s a sign of courage, wisdom, and discernment—even if that means walking away from a toxic family member.

But what if the toxic family member isn’t a parent and will still be at the family gathering? I wouldn’t want one toxic member to steal my kids’ joy and happiness at seeing their grandparents or cousins. In that case, I’d apply walking away by walking into the next room. When the toxic relative starts spreading their toxicity, I’d take it as a call to go spend time with the kids, help my parents out, or ask another sibling how life is going. I’m not there to be the hero who can finally get through to the toxic person and make him/her want to stop being toxic. As God leads, I may throw out one or two sentences to get him/her to think, but I’m not going to get into an argument and I’m not going to let that one person’s behavior steal the opportunity of spending a joyous holiday with loved ones. I’d choose instead to walk into the next room.

My prayer is that you spend Thanksgiving Day this year truly giving thanks. I hope you spend Christmas marveling at the gift of God becoming flesh. I pray that you leave (or go to sleep in) whatever house you celebrated these holidays in encouraged, strengthened, and renewed by the glorious truth both holidays represent.

Nothing is gained by sacrificing these two noble days in a sure-to-fail brawl with a toxic relative. You’ve likely tried that before. If you’ve already read When to Walk Away, maybe now would be a good time to skim those pages again just to remind you of why you’re going to make this year different.  If you haven’t, there’s plenty of time to get the book before you enter another holiday season.

Join me Thursday, November 19th at 7:30 pm CST on Facebook Live for more on toxic relationships during the holidays.

The post Protect Your Holidays from Toxic People appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Celebrate Christmas Your Way

In a Hallmark movie, there’s going to be hot chocolate, a small town, and a business-oriented boyfriend from the city who’s going to get dumped for a small-town veterinarian, craftsman, or goat farmer who rescues abandoned dogs in his spare time. You celebrate Christmas by winning a ginger-bread house, Christmas cookie, or snowman building contest and then gasp as they flip a switch and light up a rather pedestrian community Christmas tree.

In real life, you and your spouse may get the most out of celebrating Christmas by doing very different things. I’m a huge fan of Christmas. Celebrating the birth of our Lord is worthy of extended focus, but depending on your “sacred pathway,” you may draw meaning from activities that don’t do much for your spouse. In the next few blogposts, we’re going to go through the sacred pathways (from the book of the same name) to help you make this season even more meaningful. The great news is, knowing each other’s pathways, as well as those of your children, will help make the celebration special for everyone. These aren’t exclusive ideas; you can incorporate many of them in the same house.

Naturalists

If you’re a naturalist, you’re likely going to want to cut down your own tree. An artificial tree may be more convenient, and in the long-run, perhaps even cheaper, but you’ll miss the opportunity of hiking out into the woods (you’ll avoid grocery store parking lot pop-up stores if you can), and cut it down. And once that tree is in your house, you’ll want to smell it, not just see it. If you’re married to (or raising) a naturalist and are worried about the needles falling and having to dispose of the tree in January, give a little on this one. The hassles may not be worth it to you, but they will be to your spouse or child.

Evening walks or sitting out on the porch could be your most cherished times of worship. Looking up at the stars (that now come out so early) and thinking of the star that marked Christ’s birth, will fill your heart.

If you’re fortunate enough to be in a place that gets snow, keep Isaiah 1:18 at the front of your mind: “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

I like to walk in the dark during Advent so I can ruminate on Isaiah 9:2: ”The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.”

Winter is a much different experience for naturalists than spring or summer, so embrace the natural spiritual messages that this stark season offers.

Sensates

If you’re a sensate, your best avenue to worship usually incorporates the five senses: taste, touch, sound, smell, and sight. Christmas seems designed for someone like you. You can thank God for the unusually flavorful tastes and smells of the season with breads, coffees, cookies, and candies. Pause to think about how God is so good that He doesn’t just give us “fuel” for our bodies; he created us with the delightful capability of relishing each bite. Our potential to enjoy what we eat speaks a lot about the kind of God our Creator is.

You’re likely to feel reverence if the room is dark and you’re sitting in front of a lit tree. Bask in the wonder, the ceremony, the meaning… And if you can smell a candle in the background and hear some orchestral or other music proclaiming the truths of this season, you’re going to feel very full spiritually, indeed. Think, less TV, and more moments like this that engage your senses rather than putting them to sleep.  

More things to ponder: a crackling log in the fireplace, your favorite soft and comfy morning clothes, a festive place to sit, and your devotional time “cathedral” will be set. Don’t just decorate the house for how it looks, though. Think about creating a festive place to specifically meet with God that you naturally want to gravitate to early in the morning or late at night. What senses do you need to unlock so that your worship will be at its’ most attentive level? Create a place that fosters that.

Traditionalists

As a person who embraces ritual and symbol, celebrating advent is tailor made for traditionalists. Get that advent calendar and make it a daily ritual to read the Scripture or eat the candy.

At the start of Advent, have your own advent wreath with the appropriate candles ready to be lit. Henri Nouwen offers a tremendous prayer with which to begin Advent:

Lord Jesus,

Master of both the light and the darkness, send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.

We who have so much to do and seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day,

We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us.

We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom.

We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence.

We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.

To you we say, “Come Lord Jesus!”

Amen.

If you’re a true traditionalist, you’ll already know that you’ll read that prayer every week you light a new candle, not just once.

You’ll probably appreciate having a creche in a very visible spot, particularly one that has meaning for you through the years. A quick suggestion to younger couples: if you want to have a lifelong manger scene (and traditionalists usually do), buy a couple extra figurines of “baby Jesus.” Toddlers and puppies steal baby Jesus all the time. And a manger scene isn’t really a manger scene without Jesus…

If you’re married to a traditionalist, accommodate their need to get the tree on a certain day, or go through a certain ritual on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas morning. The present will always be connected to the past for them, so the more you can let the past in, the more meaningful it will be for your traditionalist.

Christmas, of course, is made for symbols: candles in the window, lights, an angel or star on top of the tree, and houses lit up throughout the neighborhood. When Lisa and I were in Europe one summer, I watched her be mesmerized by a famous painting of Mary and baby Jesus. I took a quick photo of the artist and name of the painting and found out that you can get amazingly good (and not as expensive as you might think) reproductions painted these days. Perhaps you’ll have a favorite painting or two that you bring out every Christmas season.

If you’re married to or raising a traditionalist, accommodate their need to have rituals and symbols, and you’ll increase their enjoyment and worship in this season.

Next week we’ll look at how ascetics, activists, and caregivers can get the most out of this season.

Just a reminder that I am offering signed copies of my books for Christmas.  You can place your order between now and December 5th here.

The post Celebrate Christmas Your Way appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Singles: How to Find a Master Level Love

Henry was 98 and his wife Martha was 96 when they shared the same room in a nursing home. They had been married for more than sixty years when Dr. Earl Henslin met them. Dr. Henslin worked the three to eleven o’clock shift. Every night, as the hour hand neared eleven, he got buzzed at the nurses’ station. Earl went into Henry and Martha’s room and helped move Henry over to Martha’s bed. Henry was embarrassed to let the female nurses know what he was doing, so this was he and Earl’s secret (Henry had a similar deal going with a male janitor who moved him back every morning).

Listen to Dr. Henslin tell this beautiful story: “Martha was mostly blind, but when I’d help [Henry] over to her bed, I’d see this wonderful smile come over her face. She could no longer see him, so she was responding to the sound of her husband coming near and crawling into bed beside her. She beamed when she felt his arms enfold her…. I thought that scene was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. After all these years, I still think that.”

Dr. Henslin calls Henry and Martha “part of the blessed few—Master-Level Lovers.”

If you’re single and planning to get married, I’m sure you’re thinking, “This is what I want!”

Who wouldn’t?

And yet here’s why Dr. Henslin calls Henry and Martha part of the “blessed few”: Dr. David Schnarch, a clinical psychologist and world-renown sex and marital therapist, coined this phrase to express that only about 8 to 15 percent of couples “know this kind of love and keep their passion burning until death parts their lifelong embrace.”

Eight to 15 percent.

Singles, that means for every ten couples who do experience this, 90 couples don’t.

In his book This is Your Brain in Love Dr. Henslin warns of couples whose brains are literally hijacked (Dr. Henslin calls it “mental kidnapping”) by infatuation. I thought I may have hit infatuation too hard in The Sacred Search, but after reading Henslin’s book I’m wondering if I hit it hard enough. According to Henslin, “there have even been semi-serious suggestions among scientists that the unhealthily love-obsessed should be given a good dose of an SSRI (anti-obsessive antidepressant) to clear up the brain fog and open their eyes to reality.”

The odds are against you if you want a fulfilling, enriching lifelong love. To increase your odds, you need to know about the most common trap that leads couples into poor matches: infatuation followed by early sexual intimacy.

Infatuation is what it is; what it’s not is accurate. Infatuation leads you to concoct a person who doesn’t really exist. You miss that person’s faults, you create fake strengths, and you won’t listen to anyone who tries to point out concerns and flaws. You may even be tempted to hate anyone who suggests the one you love isn’t an absolutely perfect fit for you.  

Adding sexual activity to infatuation releases “a second chemical storm that takes place deep inside both of their brains. A blast of oxytocin explodes and showers the brain with natural opiates that we know as endorphins, so that new love mimics a ‘cocaine-on-the-brain’ state of mind.”

This neurochemical process works like “superglue” for a while; many times, just long enough to get married, but never long enough to carry you to even your third wedding anniversary.

If, while dating, you fall desperately in love with someone and then respond to that infatuation by getting physically intimate, and then decide to get married before the brain chemicals wear off, you are basically like the couple that meets in Las Vegas, gets drunk, and gets married before they get sober. That’s how much you don’t know each other.

The odds of being Master Level Lovers are so small, do you want to leave a lifelong decision to chance?

Making couples more aware of this is partly why I wrote The Sacred Search. Instead of relying on infatuation and sexual bonding, I want couples to consider (and be able to evaluate) what qualities will most serve future marital happiness and connection. I want you, sixty or seventy years from now, to make plans to sneak into each other’s beds late at night rather than being one of the bitter middle-aged couples I’ve seen who have actually told me, “I’m praying he’ll have an affair or die so I can just be done with him without feeling guilty about it.”

I don’t know why I have this passion to see couples marry well, or why I want to help already married couples grow their intimacy, but I do. God seems to keep firing up my purpose the older I get. I’ve become more convinced of the need to take the Sacred Search approach,  where I explain that certain components combined with spiritual compatibility give a couple the very best odds of making it into the blessed 8 to 15 percent.

It’s wonderful when you think you’ve found “the one.” Even though I don’t believe there’s just “one,” I get what you’re feeling. All I’m suggesting is that you slow it down, give your brain time to get sober, and that you don’t make things complicated by becoming sexually intimate. Maintain a sober enough brain that you can evaluate this person and your relationship to honestly ask the question, “Do we think we’re in the top ten percent?” If you’re infatuated, you’ll think you’re in the top ½ of one percent of all couples who have ever existed, so wait at least twelve more months and ask yourself that question again.

And then you can get married with confidence.

I realize another six to twelve months can sound like forever when you’re “in love.” And the thought of breaking up once the love has faded and you realize this match may not be all that great can be terrifying. What if it’s another five years before you’re able to find someone else and get married? I’ve said this before, but it makes the point: Wouldn’t you rather have forty-five years of a Master Level Love marriage than fifty years of a disappointing and frustrating marriage?

Of course you would.

Don’t sell yourself short.

Beat the odds. Test the relationship before you make it permanent.

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Controlling Others is Toxic

Trying to control someone—in marriage, parenting, the church, or government—is evil. The Bible recognizes authority, but it takes a strong stand against control. If someone abuses God-given authority, they become perpetrators of evil.

This was one of the more surprising truths to come out of my biblical research for When to Walk Away. Here’s the insight that astonished me: God is always right and always has our best interests at heart; if he forced us to do what we should do, in one sense we’d be better off. It would, by any measure, constitute benevolent control. But God doesn’t work that way. He speaks truth. He invites. But he doesn’t control. As powerful as God is and as sovereign as God is, he is never controlling.

One of the most famous statements in Scripture is Joshua’s proclamation, “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Josh 24:15). The Israelites weren’t forced to obey; they heard the truth and were invited to obey. If they didn’t obey, they suffered the consequences, but they weren’t controlled.

Moses wasn’t a controlling religious leader. He urged the Israelites to take the promised land, but they refused. Instead of forcing them into battle, he announced the consequences: by God’s decree, they would wander in the desert for 40 years.

Almost immediately, some leaders rose and said, “If that’s the case, we’ll go now.” Moses begged them not to: “The Lord said to me, ‘Do not go up and fight, because I will not be with you. You will be defeated by your enemies’” (Deut. 1:42ff.). They went anyway and were soundly defeated. Moses didn’t push them into the Promised Land when they should have gone in, nor did he block their way when they shouldn’t have gone in. He simply told them what would happen if they disobeyed God, which they did, twice.

Notice: in the end God’s chosen leader urged them not to go but he still let them go. A godly leader exhorts but he or she doesn’t try to control.

When I was a young man, the “shepherding movement” became popular in certain sectors of the church. Out of a good motivation to encourage people to grow in holiness, it became very controlling. People’s finances, marital decisions, even vocational and house-selling decisions were governed by the leadership under the rubric of “accountability.” Virtually all of the leaders eventually repented; in hindsight, they realized they substituted “control” for “persuade” and people were harmed.

We can’t accomplish God’s aims using Satan’s methods.

Jesus didn’t control. He spoke the truth and let people walk away from him or he chose to walk away himself (my book has an appendix with 41 biblical citations demonstrating this). And while the New Testament talks about “demon possession” it never talks about “God possession” in the same terms. Yes, we are filled with the Holy Spirit, but Paul points out that “The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets” (1 Cor. 14:32). The Spirit moves us, but He doesn’t control us or take over. That’s what demons do.

The reason religious control is so dangerous is because our ultimate allegiance is to God. When someone seeks to control us, they are setting themselves up as the anti-Christ, wanting us to follow them instead of God.  They may think they are doing God’s bidding but, again, we’re not doing God’s bidding if we’re not using God’s methods. God’s method is to speak truth and invite.

Paul urges us to honor church leadership: “Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says, “You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain,” and, “The laborer deserves his wages.” (1 Tim. 5:17-18) But then he immediately tells us what to do when elders mess up: “As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.” (v. 20)

Paul urges us to acknowledge and respect authority wielded with godliness, but to stand up to those who abuse their authority because all of us are accountable to God.

Godly churches persuade and invite, but they don’t coerce—not with guilt, “accountability” that is actually a euphemism for control, or even charisma.They proclaim the truth and invite you to respond as you test, consider, and apply the truth.

This isn’t just about church government, by the way. The same thing should be true of secular governments. Though we are called to obey the government (Romans 13:1), there are clear teachings about when it’s necessary to disobey the government (Acts 5:29; Exodus 1:15-17).

What concerns me about the political climate today is that an entire generation is setting itself up to be controlled. When I was growing up, the United States was known to stand for freedom—a godly and divine thing. In the previous election cycle, I didn’t hear anyone talk about freedom; I heard most people talking about the government supplying free things. Here’s why that scares me. About fifty percent of our population receives a significant (or entire) portion of their income from the government. When the government controls how much money you receive, it has the power to control so much else about you. One bad leader with ill motives can use that control to tyrannize you. The way out of this is to value freedom over free things: “Don’t tread on me.” History is filled with leaders and nations who promised benevolence and ended up using their control to tyrannize, abuse, and even murder.

I should also mention that control in marriage is likewise evil. Whether you withhold money or sex to control your spouse, or you physically abuse or gaslight (intellectually manipulate) to control your spouse, you’re acting in a spectacularly evil fashion. In all the arguments about marital roles, control must be taken off the menu in any form of biblical marriage. Godly people try to persuade and invite, but they don’t control. 

Humans attempting to control other humans is a blasphemous assumption of authority and worship. It’s why dictatorships are evil. It’s why (among other things) slavery is such an abomination. The highest human life is a life surrendered to God above everyone and all things. When I want anyone to focus on pleasing me I am acting like an anti-God; I am asking them to respond to me like they should respond only to God. Control is toxic and needs to be recognized as such.

If you want to read more on this, let me point you toward my book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People.

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Keep the Lights On

When I became the holder of a mortgage and the father of three kids, I began to understand the concern about high electric bills. I found myself coming home from work and being able to spot my house a mile away – it was the one with every light on.

One day, Lisa found me going from room to room, muttering under my breath. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “I’m just trying to find a lightbulb that’s not turned on. I don’t want it to feel left out.”

One winter evening some time later, I drove up to the house – and saw not a single light on. At first, I thought there must be a power outage, but our neighbors’ homes were lit up.

I walked into an empty house. The silence overwhelmed me. It looked like an alien place, so I did something I thought I’d never do. I turned on most of the lights to welcome home Lisa and the kids.

That incident became one of those “lightning” moments when God impressed a truth on my heart. I realized that every blessing comes with a burden.

If God were to take my wife and children home, I would have a much smaller electric bill – and a hole in my heart the size of Texas. I soon realized that in just about every complaint lies the foundation of thanksgiving. The fact that a rainy day upsets you is due in part to the fact that you can go outside and enjoy the weather. The fact that you’re busy assumes you have a job or children. The fact that there’s a load of laundry means someone is alive to get it dirty.

It comes down to how we choose to look at it. God could remove the burden, but if he did, he would also take away the blessing.

Whenever you are tempted to complain because your kids are being kids, ask God to remind you of the blessing behind the burden. And give thanks that your dirty house, big electric bill, and messy car mean you are blessed with relationships of love.

Devotions for Sacred Parenting, 61-63

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The Latte Factor

During the second week of November, Starbucks switches from its ubiquitous white cups and ushers in the Christmas season with festive red cups. Our family is weird enough that we talk about this day before it comes, and then we usually toast it after it arrives. Just this year, as I poured a little cinnamon into my chai tea, I got a text message on my phone: “The Christmas cups are here!”

I smiled and typed back, “I know. I’m holding one.”

Graham replied, “They make me happy.”

You can’t read my books without coming across Starbucks references. Once, while I was traveling, the conscientious couple chauffeuring me noticed the Starbucks cup in my hand. The woman said, “Have you ever thought of giving up Starbucks and giving the money to missions?” Now, the car they drove exceeded the cost of my Ford Focus by at least $20,000. I could have said, “Have you ever thought of trading in your vehicle for a Ford and giving the money to missions?” But of course, I didn’t.

Financial planners love to use the “latte factor” to show how a daily cup of luxury coffee can decimate retirement planning. And I do think we should be willing to part with any luxury to sacrificially support the advancement of God’s kingdom here on earth.

Even so, consider an intriguing, albeit counterintuitive bit of wisdom from the book of Ecclesiastes: “Do not be over righteous, neither be otherwise – why destroy yourself? … The man who fears God will avoid all extremes” (7:16,18).

An extreme fussiness can wear us out. Worse, it can set us up for failure after we run ourselves into the ground and, weakened by exhaustion, collapse into a foolish act of sin. Here’s what I have found: Too little pleasure can lead us into the same place that Christians fear too much pleasure will take us. The road may be different, but the destination is the same.

Pure Pleasure, 168-69

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An Acquired Love

If you were a male believer around the time of Moses and Joshua, your job was to fight. As the Israelites entered the Promised Land, they were sometimes chastised for their cowardice and lethargy and their refusal to go into battle: “How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?” (Joshua 18:3). For a long time, “go into battle” was the rallying cry from God.         

Jesus came with a new challenge – a far more difficult one. Someone once asked him to name the single greatest commandment, and Jesus replied with two (Matthew 22:34-40). It isn’t enough to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If you really want to please God, Jesus said, you must also love others.

Marriage can be the gym in which our capacity to experience and express God’s love gets strengthened and further developed. To get there, we must realize that human love and divine love aren’t two separate oceans, but rather one body of water with many tributaries.

We show our love for God, in part, by loving our spouses well. We can never love somebody “too much.” Our typical problem is that we love God too little. The answer is not to dim our love for any particular human, but to expand our heart’s response to our Divine Joy.

Marriage creates a climate where this love gets put to the greatest test. The problem is that love must be acquired. Katherine Ann Porter writes, “love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but waits only to be provoked.”

Love is not a natural response that gushes out of us unbidden. Infatuation sometimes does that – at the beginning of a relationship, at least – but hate is always ready to naturally spring forth, like the “Old Faithful” geyser at Yellowstone National Park. Christian love, on the other hand, must be chased after, aspired to, and practiced. It is hewn out of the daily experiences of routine tasks, practical service, and common conversation. Today, we have the opportunity to do what matters most – grow in our ability to love.

Sacred Marriage, 39-40

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Encouragement for Aspiring and/or Frustrated Writers

Last week I filmed the curriculum for Sacred Pathways, a book that was first published 25 years ago. It was such a satisfying feeling to walk into the studio and see the lights set up, so let me provide the back story.

For “big name” authors, the curriculum for a new book is usually released simultaneously with the book, but at the time Sacred Pathways was published I had virtually no platform. Sacred Pathways was published with such a small advance ($3,000) that it received literally no marketing support. My acquisitions editor called me at the time to apologize: “It’s so well-written and creative, Gary,” she said. “There’s nothing else out there like it. But we paid a lot of advance money for this Fall’s new release, so Sacred Pathways got completely passed over.” She knew at the time (though I had hopes otherwise) that this marketing decision would crush any chance Sacred Pathways had to find an audience. And she was right—in the short term.

Predictably, Sacred Pathways went out of print after selling less than 10,000 copies. Zondervan re-released it when they published their first book of mine (Sacred Marriage), and Sacred Pathways slowly found its own platform. A hugely influential pastor taught out of it at the largest (at the time) pastor’s conference in the U.S. Rick Warren featured the book in one of his chapters for his mega-selling Purpose Driven Life. Other well-known pastors and writers discovered it and began referring to it.

Sacred Pathways was never a “best-seller” in the sense that it never sold quickly, but it did keep selling steadily. After 25 years it finally reached over 100,000 copies sold, a sales figure that less than one percent of books ever reach. And now it has a video curriculum to go with it. I’m carrying a bit more weight and a lot less hair than I had in 1996, so the messenger on film won’t look quite so appealing, but hey, at least the teaching will soon be out there for small groups to use!

Aspiring and frustrated writers, I want to encourage you. I know (trust me, I know) how excruciating and heartbreaking it is to watch a book (or manuscript that isn’t even published) go unnoticed. You pour so much of yourself into it and you have such high hopes. Don’t give up. You never know. Make your writing an act of worship and the release of your book an act of surrender.

I told one first-time writer that I view a book like a Father’s Day present to my heavenly Father. It might be an ugly tie or an unfashionable belt, but He’ll still appreciate the effort and gesture. No effort on God’s behalf is ever wasted. Even if no one ever reads it, God still receives it with a smile. And sometimes, that old tie or belt gets pulled out of the back of a drawer or closet and is actually worn, making the child smile all day long, as I did all last week.

“The Lord humbles and he exalts. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor.” 1 Samuel 2:7-8.

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