Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 41

Avoiding Marital Eruptions

I was shooting baskets in my Pacific Northwest boyhood home in 1980 when a gigantic plume of smoke way off in the distance told me that the world had changed. Mount St. Helens had finally blown its top.

The eruption had been building for years and ultimately caught no one by surprise. News reports had lionized a few hearty individuals who planned to “ride out the eruption” but their hubris proved to be foolhardy; they paid with their lives. There wasn’t anything left for their families to bury. I don’t think anyone fully anticipated the sheer force, horror, and utter devastation of that explosion. The entire side of a mountain was gone. Tall majestic trees laid down like a box of toothpicks spilling out of a shopping bag. The cataclysmic force of it was stunning.

I see the same thing happen to many marriages. It might be a growing dependence on alcohol. It might be a compulsion to spend money recklessly. It might be a volcanic temper, a narcissistic personality devoid of empathy, or a wicked and sneering tongue. It could be the slow decline of eating our way to an unhealthy weight; it could be the sloth of never getting around to renewing our minds with the word of God; it could be a growing fascination with sex outside of marriage.

Eventually, these behaviors erupt. I’ve been there during some explosions. The wife says, “enough!” The husband says, “I’m done.” And you can almost see their children’s tears from miles away. Another home has blown apart.

My heart broke for one wife who, after her husband left her, asked me which books she could read “to win him back.” We had talked years before and back then, she had resolved to make some changes. The warnings went unheeded, however, once she was certain her husband was “back.” He’s a really good guy and she couldn’t believe he’d leave her, until he did. I don’t excuse his leaving, and if I could talk to him now I’d beg him to go back, but his leaving shouldn’t have surprised his wife. This was an eruption long in the making.  

It’s foolish to say, “You’re supposed to cherish me just as I am, so leave me alone.” When you are married, there is no sin you can commit that won’t, in some way, impact your spouse, even if he or she doesn’t know about it. Every sin is like playing Jenga with your children’s home. You hope this one block doesn’t finally knock everything down, but you’re going to pull it out anyway. After all, nothing happened last time…

The cherish challenge has called us to learn how to cherish our spouse, but near the end of the book I include an important chapter: if you want to be cherished, try to make it easier for your spouse to cherish you. Address those issues that would make it difficult for any spouse to cherish you. Don’t wait for an eruption to address the weaknesses in your life that try your spouse’s patience.  

This isn’t just about our marriage; it’s about our faithfulness to Christ. Paul tell us to “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” (Col. 3:6-7) He adds these: “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other…” (Col. 3:8-9) Every one of these sins will eventually explode if we don’t repent of them. Cultivating them is like firing up your own private volcano that will one day become very public.

Earnestly pursuing “holiness” is like drawing fresh spring water from your family’s well. When necessary, that well can even put out a volcano. Complacent sinning is like dropping some poison down the well day after day until your family starts getting sick.

As a pastor, I have seen firsthand the horror that follows unholiness in marriage and the homes that it breaks up. I have been grieving the destruction of the family mentioned above, so I am making an earnest appeal: don’t just demand that your spouse cherish you. Strive to become someone who is easier to cherish. I never thought this guy would leave, but he did.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how “good” your sex life is, how compatible you are, or how well you meet each other’s love languages. If you unleash the power of unrepentant sin into your life you will force it into your spouse’s life, and your kids’ life, and then the lives of the church and community you are a part of. One thing everyone learned after Mt. St. Helens: brave words are no match for hot lava that erupts from a volcano. Once it blows, destruction is certain.

Cherish Challenge Week 10

Read chapter 12 of Cherish, “Easier to Cherish.”Be honest with yourself: if you were married to you, what would bug you most? What is the most difficult aspect of your character that tries your spouse’s patience? Are you addressing it at all? If not, will you consider seeking counseling to do so?Is there a shortcoming in your life that your spouse has been bringing up to you but you haven’t been willing to listen? Will you ask each other to gently repeat it once again, with a view toward avoiding a future eruption?Imagine the joy your spouse will feel when you successfully address a troublesome trait; use that as motivation to read a book about the topic or ask a friend, counselor, or pastor to help you out and hold you accountable.Please share your story with how this is helping your marriage on our web page Cherish Challenge 2020.

The post Avoiding Marital Eruptions appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Is it Time to Resurrect Shame?

Shame died about thirty years ago and I’m wondering if the health of our nation depends on its resurrection.

Psychologists, self-help gurus, and educational experts began warning that the real problem isn’t shameful behavior, but feeling shame for our behavior.  Feeling shame, they argued, leads to all kinds of psychological ailments, reinforces addiction, and rips up self-esteem.  We should just get rid of shame, they said, and we’ll solve many modern ills. 

How has that worked out for us? Is our society getting better without all that “awful shame” our parents’ carried?

From a biblical perspective, shame isn’t the enemy—bad behavior is.  Shame is actually a friend if it leads us to repent, fall on God’s mercy for forgiveness and the strength to change, and get motivated to live differently. God was frustrated when his people felt nothing in the face of their evil: “Were they ashamed because of the abomination they have done? They were not even ashamed at all. They did not even know how to blush.” (Jer. 6:15)

Listen to Blaise Pascal’s bold take: “The only shame is to have none.”

I get that there’s a difference between feeling shame for who you are and feeling shame as your response to a particular action, but we seem so eager to prevent the former that we’ve neglected a necessary check on the latter. I can’t remember the last time I’ve watched any news cast without seeing egregiously shameful actions and words from people of all walks in society—and the persons behind such behavior and words appeared to have cold, dead consciences. That’s what scares me most. We all have bad days, but feeling no shame for our bad days? That can’t be healthy or bode well for the future.

Biblical Shame

Wicked behavior rightly brings shame and disgrace (Prov. 13:5).  Paul says we should live in such a way that we have no need to be ashamed:  “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed…” (2 Tim. 2:15)  Paul’s desire to not be ashamed is clear motivation for him to live a courageous life in Christ (1 Phil. 1:20).  The apostle John likewise used the desire to not be ashamed as motivation for continued life in Christ: “And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.” (1 John 2:28)  John is keeping the fear of future shame alive to amend his present character.

Whenever shame is rejected, it’s solely because we should not be ashamed of the Gospel (Rom. 1:16) or our Lord (2 Tim. 1:8).  The Bible doesn’t reject shame as a response to immoral behavior, or call shame illegitimate when it’s the result of cowardice and the rejection of our need to be active ministers of the Gospel.  On the contrary, shame is a legitimate, appropriate response to immoral, obnoxious, selfish behavior.  Rather than run from it, we should allow it to motivate us toward godliness. 

In this sense, shame is a God-created, God-designed emotional response intended to keep me from sliding even further away from his will when I act in an abominable, or even just an inappropriate way.  It’s a “check”—sort of like those truck ramps placed on the downhill side of mountain highways.  When we’re morally running out of control, and our normal conscience brakes aren’t working, shame is God’s gift to make us think twice: do I really want to live this way?

Shame as a response to poor living isn’t the problem; it’s part of the cure.  It’s God’s intention to point us back to him.

Unassailable Character?

A mother once defended her son to me because, even though his behavior had been deplorable, his character was “unassailable.”  In a world where we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2), I’m not sure anyone’s character is “unassailable,” much less a teenager who is learning his way in the world.  Yet we are so fearful of shame (or shaming our children) that we act like admitting an error is a greater evil than committing one. How can we grow if we don’t admit we’ve done something shameful and learn from it? Won’t we just repeat it?

Because of grace, I don’t need to fear shame; God can use it.  There are times when I let food get the best of me.  I inhale my food with the force of an industrial vacuum, in a way that is rude and yes, shameful.  While I was watching a football (pre Covid days, of course), my wife cut up some fruit and berries.  Maybe it was the intensity of the moment, but I all but swallowed that bowl of fruit whole, never even really enjoying it.  Lisa walked down the stairs, saw the empty bowl she had just placed in front of me, and her mouth dropped open in astonishment.  I’ve also been known to drink a venti chai tea in about three gulps.

If I’m excited about a topic, I can dominate a conversation, more eager to share my opinion than to learn. I hate it when I do this, and I’m rightly ashamed of it.  Afterwards, when I become aware of it, I repent, ask God’s forgiveness, and try to be more mindful of it the next time I’m in such a situation.

I don’t expect myself—or others—to be perfect.  Even people far more mature than I am occasionally do shameful things.  When Ido shameful things, I want to feel shame because that’s part of the process of change.  After repentance and forgiveness, I accept the Gospel truth that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Walking in grace, however, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel shame when I act shamefully; it means that after admitting my shame, I can be released from the guilt of my actions, encouraged by God’s acceptance and love, and rest in his promised help and empowerment so that I can act in a less shameful way in the future.

Living in shame leads to all kinds of psychological ills and destruction; passing through shame can lead us to God, spiritual health, and even psychological balance.  I don’t want to grow up “feeling no shame” if that means I can act in a deplorable manner and just accept it as part of who I am.

Growing up in the sixties, we kids often heard, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”  That phrase has all but disappeared in modern child-rearing—to our society’s great detriment.  Shame can be destructive, but it has a healthy place.  We should be fans of healthy shame.

If you’re ashamed of how you’ve been living, embrace God’s conviction, repent of your past lifestyle, receive God’s forgiveness, and then rest in his acceptance.  Let the bitterness of your previous shame spur you toward a new life, knowing that you never want to taste that shame again.

But don’t run from shame as an experience.  Run from it as an identity.

I know there are a lot of wise counselors who read this blog. If you could help us figure out this important distinction and the way modern teachers use the word “shame,” please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. I’m not sure I’ve gotten everything right—just that I’m seeing something that feels very wrong.

The post Is it Time to Resurrect Shame? appeared first on Gary Thomas.

To Cherish is to Protect

If you cherish some thing, you protect it. In the same way, if you cherish some one, you will protect them. One of the ways to build a cherishing heart toward your spouse, and to help your spouse feel cherished by you, is to learn how to protect them.

The first thing Carlos said when he walked into my office was, “I just want you to know I was here six minutes early. Rosa was late. I’m sorry.”

Rosa looked at her husband and said, “Thanks for throwing me under the bus.”

We had met several times before, so it was time to deal with this. “Carlos,” I said, “five years from now, you might not even remember my name. Tonight, you’ll go home with Rosa and I’ll go home to my wife, and neither of us will think about the other. The reason you threw Rosa under the bus is that you’re worried about what I’m thinking of you; you should be more concerned about what Rosa thinks of you. She’s the one you’re living with.”

“If you had said, ‘Look, Gary, I’m sorry we’re late,’ Rosa would have thought, ‘Wow; he protected me,’ and you’d have an entirely different experience at home tonight. Your job is to showcase Rosa because that’s who you’re going home with. It’s not to impress me. Focus on her.”

But then I had to speak to Rosa. Her tardiness had come up several times before and it was really bugging Carlos. His father had raised him to hate being late; it was a core value sunk deep into his DNA.

“Rosa, you know how you felt when Carlos threw you under the bus?”

“Yes!”

“That’s how he feels every time you make him late to a meeting. He can’t not feel that way. He respects being on time. He hates—literally hates—being late. So when you make him late, he’s going to feel terrible. He can forgive you. He can learn to not throw you under the bus. But he can’t stop caring about being late. He just can’t. You protect him by working hard to be somewhere on time, and that means even giving yourself a little buffer.”

In her own way, Rosa was protecting herself instead of Carlos. Instead of caring what Carlos felt about being on time, she was more concerned about how she looked or getting a last-minute item done than protecting her husband and his reputation.

What was missing on both sides? Cherishing the other. Instead, they cherished themselves. Carlos cherished his reputation. Rosa cherished her desire to get one more thing done.

“Protecting” your spouse can be inferred from biblical passages that call us to put the interests of others above our own (Philippians 2:4) and Jesus describing the “greatest love” as laying down our life (reputation, welfare, livelihood) for someone else (John 15:13). Marriage can teach us to perfect this beautiful idea.

No Thank You

“Jerry” and his wife “Donna” were just getting to know me and Lisa after we had first moved to Houston. Lisa’s reputation as a whole-earth, low-sugar, local-foods, organic, non-GMO cook had preceded her, so when we invited someone over for dinner I made sure to go over the menu to make sure they’d be okay with it. In this case, I told Jerry Lisa was going to serve (locally farmed) lamb.

“Oh,” he said. “That’s the one thing I don’t eat.”

“That’s no problem,” I answered. “She has a backup chicken dish she was thinking about.”

Jerry’s response surprised me because he seemed liked the kind of guy who would eat anything. And as I got to know this couple better, I figured it out (especially when I heard Jerry, years later, refer to eating lamb): Donna was the one who didn’t like lamb, but Jerry didn’t want Lisa to think ill of Donna as we were just getting to know each other. He “took the bullet” and made it seem like he was the one who had a problem with it. My already high respect for Jerry grew even more. This was a man who had learned the art of protecting his wife.

I put this into practice more recently. The day Texas lifted their shelter-in-place order, my favorite restaurant in the world opened. A couple who knows us invited us (and offered to pay!). Lisa was a bit nervous about being out and about so early. We’ve done our best to practice sheltering in place, but it’s such a contentious issue that you’ve got the “you’re killing my grandma!” on one end of the spectrum if you even step out onto your porch, or “it’s all just a conspiracy and this is a big nothing burger” on the other. Lisa’s not politically contentious. If it’s about eating less sugar and more vegetables, she’ll argue as long as she has any breath left. If it’s political, she’s going to stay silent.

Lisa made it clear to me that she didn’t want to be seen as “making a statement,” so she said, “Don’t mention this on Twitter, Facebook, or anything…”

“That’s fine,” I said. “I wasn’t planning on doing that anyway.”

Because this restaurant owner is a bit outspoken (I’m using that in a positive sense), a television station came to interview him and then wanted to talk to some patrons who were having lunch. When we were asked to be interviewed, I remembered Lisa’s reticence to not go public with this and said, “I’m sorry. We can’t. I’ve got to get back to the church.” I did need to get back to the church, but I’m not sure an additional fifteen minutes would have mattered. It was more about trying to honor Lisa’s desire to not engage in a public statement. (If you’re wondering about why I just outed her, she’s read this and approved it, as I’ve been able to offer the context and explanation. If you want to yell at or get into a disagreement with someone for eating lunch at a restaurant, say what you will about me in the comments below, but please leave Lisa out of it.)

Lisa thanked me for protecting her afterwards. When someone feels protected, they feel cherished. I would have loved to honor this restaurant couple’s request, as I have the highest respect for them. But I pledged before God to cherish Lisa, not them, so it was an easy call to make on the spot.

An Important Caveat

The danger of a post like this is that sometimes the call to protect your spouse can be distorted as a demand to cover for them when they are in unrepentant sin, and that’s just plain wrong. If a husband is abusing his wife and wants her to “protect” his reputation by not telling anyone about it, he’s asking her to be complicit with his sin. That’s a distortion of what I’m talking about here.

If your wife or husband has an issue that they’re dealing with—they are in counseling, a support group, they are honest with you and “working the steps” or the equivalent program that they’re in, then yes, “protection” is appropriate in regards to other people who don’t need to know about it. If your spouse views “protection” as a cover for them to keep sinning in private without you being able to seek out help and counsel, he or she is distorting the biblical value of protection into unhealthy enabling. You are a Christ follower before you are a spouse, so you can’t go along with that.  

You’ll notice in the three examples above, none talked about enabling or excusing sin. Your spouse’s reputation should matter more to you than to anyone. But their spiritual health before God should matter even more than their reputation.

Cherish Challenge Week 9

Read chapter 11 of Cherish, “The Art of Cherishing Your Spouse.”Of the 8 acts of cherishing mentioned in chapter 11: using your mind to change your heart, sacrificing for your spouse, hugging liberally, needing your spouse, recognizing your spouse’s royalty, making your spouse’s dreams come true, watching and delighting, and conserving your energy, choose at least two to put into action. On your own, write down which practice(s) you want to put into play.Do you feel protected by your spouse? Do you feel your spouse protects you? Talk about it.Please share your story with how this is helping your marriage on our webpage Cherish Challenge 2020.

The post To Cherish is to Protect appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Tough Christians

If the great Christian classics agree on one thing, it’s that true disciples will be hated, persecuted, and slandered. To seek glory in heaven is to accept ridicule on earth. Here’s how one seventeenth century writer, William Gurnall (The Christian in Complete Armor), puts it: “Did saints walk on earth in those robes which they shall wear in heaven, then they would be feared and admired by those who now scorn and despise them.” We live by two constant truths: the promise of heavenly glory and the certainty of earthly scorn.

Billy Graham has been voted the most admired man in the United States more often than anyone else, but the days when a Christian evangelist holds such high social standing are long gone. Whether they ever come back, only God knows.

Which means as we disciple the younger generation, we need to teach and value toughness. We need strong women and men who so dream of those “heavenly robes” that they will not turn back when people “scorn and despise them.”

“Pain Unending …Grievous and Incurable”

The Old Testament prophet Jeremiah is a classic case study of toughness. What Jeremiah had to endure during a public ministry that lasted for about forty years is enough to frighten the bravest saint. He’s become one of the Old Testament figures who inspires me most.

Early in his life, the call to become a prophet looked like a relatively convenient one: Jeremiah began his prophetic work under the reign of Josiah, a God-fearing leader who turned an entire nation back to God. But twelve years later, Josiah died and his replacement, King Jehoiakim, cowered under Babylon’s rule and turned to idols. Jeremiah soon found himself at odds with the entire leadership of Israel. Even his own family betrayed him (12:6). Standing up for God and against idolatry—two things that previously won him fame—now resulted in Jeremiah being called a traitor. The persecution was so intense and painful that Jeremiah described it as “my pain unending … my wound grievous and incurable” (15:18).

Ponder that thought for a minute: faithfulness to God resulted in unending pain as well as a grievous and incurable wound.

The chief priest had Jeremiah beaten and put in stocks (20:1–2). All the religious leaders gathered and told the political leaders and citizens of Israel, “This man should be sentenced to death” (26:11).

Jeremiah lived to see another day, but he certainly never became a popular and revered religious leader, the equivalent of a bestselling author or a popular speaker on the religious circuit today. In fact, on one occasion, as Jeremiah wrote down prophetic words from God and had them delivered to the king, Jehoiakim simply burned the words of the scroll as they were read. Jeremiah’s masterpiece went straight into the furnace!

Jehoiakim died, as did his son after a very short reign, and then Jeremiah had to prophesy under one of the most pathetic, weak-willed leaders you could ever imagine—King Zedekiah. Zedekiah asked Jeremiah to pray for him, but after Jeremiah prophesied, the king had him arrested on a trumped-up political charge. Jeremiah’s dungeon was disgusting—filthy, smelly, inhumane—but he was kept there, in the words of Scripture, “a long time” (37:16). When Zedekiah finally brought Jeremiah back out, Jeremiah made a special plea: “Do not send me back … or I will die there” (37:20).

Think about it: called to a public ministry, betrayed by your own family and the religious rulers, considered a traitor by your government, truly standing alone, persecuted for your faithfulness. Who among us wouldn’t grow bitter at such treatment? Who among us, indeed, would ever think of developing a prosperity gospel out of such a life?

Yet Jeremiah’s struggles had just begun .

Some local officials pleaded with Zedekiah to put Jeremiah to death. The weak-willed king couldn’t say no to anyone: “He is in your hands … The king can do nothing to oppose you” (38:5). They lowered Jeremiah into a cistern, a narrow well that is dark at the bottom with no fresh air. This particular cistern had no water in it, but the bottom was covered in muck. Jeremiah stood waist-deep in a stinking bog, surrounded by darkness, insects, his own filth, and a merciless, unceasing stench.

When the king eventually had pity for Jeremiah, it took thirty men to tug him off the muddy floor and raise him onto dry ground, but Jeremiah was still held in captivity.

In the end, Jeremiah’s warnings failed. He and his fellow Israelites were carted off into exile. If you measured Jeremiah’s anointing and stature by any standard used for Christian celebrities today—fame, twitter followers, book sales, large attendance, popular embrace—he would be considered an absolute, total failure.

Yet he stands tall in Scripture as a model of tough faith, persevering faithfulness, and tenacious commitment to the will of God.

Jeremiah needs to be celebrated by today’s teachers. This is not a generation in which weak Christians will do well. Popular media is increasingly hostile to Christian ethics (especially sexual ethics) and fond of ridiculing Christian beliefs in general, to the extent that if people don’t become tough, they may not remain confessing believers.

“ Through Many Tribulations”

It is the church’s duty and calling to raise men and women with the strength of Jeremiah who will not wilt in the face of the fiercest persecution imaginable—whether it’s being strong in facing down their own temptations, or being tough in not seeking to please popular opinion above the approval of God. Scripture and Christian history both teach us that God allows the church to go through seasons of persecution, and while North America isn’t physically torturing believers, it is vocationally threatening them. I don’t want to provide any details that would get anyone in trouble, but I know of committed believers in high-profile companies who have told me how at best, promotion is impossible if they don’t personally celebrate certain social values, and more likely, they know they will be laid off or fired sooner rather than later. “You can hide only for so long” one surprisingly sympathetic boss told a committed believer who reports to him. “It’s just a matter of time.” For more and more companies, it’s not about the work you do at the office; it’s about what you believe during the weekends.

If we aren’t prepared for this as Jeremiah was and as the authors of the Christian classics seemed to be—and if we don’t prepare others—we’ll either “adjust” our message accordingly, or collapse into bitterness, thinking that God hasn’t kept up his end of the bargain.

According to the book of Acts, one of the Apostle Paul’s great ministries was “strengthening the souls of the disciples” by “encouraging” them with the words, “Through many tribulations we must enter the Kingdom of God.” (Acts 14:22)  The early church expected persecution and so was strengthened and encouraged by it, as opposed to being cast into a season of doubt and despair.

The days of leading people in the “sinner’s prayer” and leaving them alone to grow with little fear that their faith will be picked at and assaulted are gone. Teaching people about securing your place in heaven without also talking about how to remain steadfast on earth is sub-par discipleship and spiritual malpractice.

We serve a God of many kindnesses and mercies who treats us far better than we ever deserve. But we live in a world increasingly hostile to His reign. We need tough Christians in the days ahead.

To read more about Jeremiah and becoming a “tougher” Christian, check out Gary’s book Every Body Matters: Strengthening Your Body to Strengthen Your Soul, from which this post was adapted, as well as his Gold-Medallion winning book, Authentic Faith: What if Life Isn’t Meant to Be Perfect But We Are Meant to Trust the One Who Is? which addresses some of these same issues.

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Grace and Truth: The Key to Cherishing an Imperfect Spouse

Chet was being a jerk at a family gathering and a relative called him out on it. On the way home, he asked Bonnie what she thought.

“You weren’t being a jerk,” Bonnie said. “You were just being honest.”

That was a lie. Bonnie believed Chet was being a jerk. She thought being a supportive wife meant making Chet feel better about himself.  That’s not, unfortunately, what cherishing is all about. Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, and the life…” He called Satan the “father” of lies. Biblical cherishing, by definition, must be based on what is true.

Counselors used to talk about three responses to conflict: Fight, Flight, and Freeze. More recently, they have added a fourth: the “fallen” response, and the addition is quite enlightening.

Fight means when an issue comes up between you and your spouse, you get at it. You are like a tenacious bulldog and will wrestle this issue to the ground until it is resolved. That can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the way you engage in conflict.

Flight means you put on your Nikes and head in the other direction. You may even put physical distance between you and your spouse. Or maybe you mentally zone out and fain deaf ears. You get as far away from conflict as you can, as fast as you can. That’s never healthy, as unaddressed conflict isn’t ever resolved.

Freeze means you seize up. You literally hate conflict and basically shut down. You cease to become a contributing member of the marriage (at least, in that instance).

The fourth response is particularly insightful for codependents who compliment themselves on being nice and supportive. The “fallen” response means you do everything you can to soothe and assure your spouse regardless of the truth. You don’t address the issue; your main concern is that your spouse feel comforted and praised and that you come off as the “nice” wife or the “supportive” husband. Abusive spouses get coddled instead of confronted.

It doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse or toxicity, however. For example, Roger’s wife Julia is just plain lazy. She laughs about being “high maintenance and worth it” but her friends feel sorry for Roger. He thinks he’s supposed to just suck it up so that’s what he does at home, but the problem is, if you’re lazy at home, you’re lazy at other people’s houses, family events, and even at work. Julia checked all four boxes, and Roger couldn’t do Julia’s work for her at the office, which is why she got fired. “My boss is such a ……..” Julia told Roger. “She said I have a poor work ethic! Imagine!”

Roger didn’t have to imagine. He had witnessed it for fifteen years.

Did Roger cherish Julia by enabling her laziness, even denying it to her face when others dared to bring it up? Wouldn’t he have cherished her more by graciously addressing a serious character flaw?

Do you see how the “fallen” response isn’t loving or cherishing? If your spouse has weaknesses when relating with you, those weaknesses will bleed into all their relationships.

We need grace and truth. Here’s the grace part: just because I call something out doesn’t mean I don’t cherish you, adore you, love you or that I’m not committed to you. You don’t have to be perfect for me to cherish you. I believe every word in Scripture, even the six words in James 3:2: “We all stumble in many ways.” By “all,” I assume that means you. By “many” I assume that means you will have more than a few flaws.

The call to cherish your wife or husband is a call to learn how to respond in a patient and understanding way to a sometimes imperfect and even unhealthy spouse.

Some of us lack grace and need to get over the fact that our spouse stumbles in many ways. These are the ones who exhaust their friends by recounting the same thing over and over, “Why must my spouse stumble like this?” And your friends would do well to say, and God would likely say, if you would listen, “If he/she didn’t stumble like this, then they would be stumbling like that.”

For marriage to survive, for us to keep honoring and cherishing and respecting each other, to stay tender toward each other, we must be bathed in grace—receiving God’s mercy and acceptance—so that we are liberal with mercy and acceptance toward others, beginning with our spouse. If it is true that we all stumble in many ways, it follows that we cannot keep cherishing each other without becoming good forgivers and people who are eager to show mercy.

On the other hand, others of us fail to love biblically by avoiding truth. We refuse to address issues that need to be addressed. We are more concerned about what our spouse thinks of us than what others accurately think of our spouse. We want our spouse to think we’re a “good” spouse more than we want them to be a more mature believer. That’s selfish.

This is where the commitment of Sacred Marriage—persevering in a difficult marriage—and the strategy of When to Walk Away—not putting up with toxic or abusive people—appear as parallel tracks. A healthy marriage is one in which each partner—both wife and husband—learn how to most effectively encourage each other to grow and mature in an attitude of grace, acceptance and cherishing. We live by two biblical stalwarts: grace and truth. Not one or the other, but both.

Years ago, when Lisa reviewed one of my early manuscripts, she offered a very clever critique: “The word profound is profoundly overused in this book.” For some stupid reason, I became infatuated with the word “profound.” I didn’t take her critique as her thinking the entire book was awful, just that she saw one particular writing flaw I needed to address. For the past fifteen years, every time I have typed out the word “profound” I have paused over the keys, wondering if there’s a better word I could use.

Can you allow your spouse to point out one weakness without taking it as an attack on your entire person? Or would you rather your spouse just keep lying to you?

The goal of a sacred marriage is to know each other so well that we know the dark corners and the weak links of personality, yet still cherish, respect, adore and move toward each other. Some of us can receive truth, but have a hard time giving it. Some of us can give truth but hate to receive it. The mature spouse learns to do both. And when a couple learns to live by both God’s grace and truth? That’s heaven on earth.

Cherish Challenge Week 8

Read chapter 10 of Cherish, “This is How Your Spouse Stumbles.”Ask yourself, “Which response do I most naturally gravitate toward when it comes to conflict: fight, flight, freeze, or fallen?Write out three of your spouse’s character strengths. Next, consider one character weakness he/she may still struggle with. Thank God for the strengths—the evidences of His grace in your spouse’s life—and then prayerfully consider whether you’ve shown more grace than truth, or more truth than grace with the one weakness.Spend a date night talking about how you want to hear words of “truth” from each other. Would you rather be on a walk? Alone at home? Do you think your spouse is too critical already? Discuss the “mechanics” of how, in a spiritually healthy way, the two of you can embrace both grace and truth.  Please share your story with how this is helping your marriage on our webpage Cherish Challenge 2020.

The post Grace and Truth: The Key to Cherishing an Imperfect Spouse appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Sloth: The Spiritual Assassin

There’s a killer at loose in the church, a spiritual assassin with a long line of casualties to his name.  He assaults relationships, our bodies, our bank accounts, our prayer lives, and, if we’re married, even our sex lives.  He doesn’t seek headlines, though—he’s content to never be known, to simply do his best work quietly, without notice.

His name, in previous ages, was “sloth.” Today, we call him laziness.  And his reach is as extensive as it is devastating.

Laziness is more than a sin—it’s an attitude that undercuts our sense of duty to God and our obligation to our neighbor, and an attitude that wastes our lives.  Laziness is an attitude that puts one’s personal comfort above all else—if I don’t feel like it, why do it? If it’s uncomfortable, why bother? If it’s not fun, what’s the use? Laziness ignores any sense of obligation and defines sin exclusively as something we shouldn’t do (conveniently forgetting all that we are commanded to do), and it ends up wasting our lives in a spectacularly nonscandalous fashion so that we don’t see just how destructive it is.

When we are neglectful with our physical bodies, part of us dies. We can avoid the wisdom of exercise and responsible eating, but we do so at our peril and accordingly will miss many opportunities to do good works. An out-of-shape Christian loses the will, inclination, and ability to enjoy much of life because physical activity becomes too taxing. He or she wants to sleep more, eat more, and lie around more rather than be truly engaged in life.

If we are lazy in our business, our finances will gradually erode until we become charity cases instead of generous givers. If we are lazy in our faith, we will even drift from God. Neglect and laziness kill the best things in life.

In one very real and intense sense, laziness undercuts the image of God in us. Johannes Tauler makes precisely this point:

“The Heavenly Father, in His divine attribute of Fatherhood, is pure activity. Everything in Him is activity, for it is by the act of self-comprehension that He begets His beloved Son, and both in an ineffable embrace breathe forth the Holy Spirit … Now since God has made His creatures in His likeness, activity is inherent in all of them.… Is it surprising, then, that man, that noble creature, fashioned in God’s Image, should resemble Him in His activity?”

Ask yourself: What is the opposite of God’s activity and generosity? Wouldn’t it be doing nothing and giving nothing?

In other words, laziness and neglect!

The Bible is ruthless in condemning laziness and in warning against its consequences in various arenas of life:

“Go to the ant, you sluggard;

consider its ways and be wise! …

A little sleep, a little slumber,

a little folding of the hands to rest—

and poverty will come on you like a thief

and scarcity like an armed man.”

Proverbs 6:6, 10–11

“The craving of a sluggard will be the death of him,

because his hands refuse to work.”

Proverbs 21:25

“We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.”

Hebrews 6:11–12

Spiritual Laziness

Being a Christian is the highest joy imaginable for any human being. It is also, however, hard work. Listen to Paul’s account:

“One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things.”

Philippians 3:13–15

Consider the phrase “all of us, then, who are mature should…” Paul isn’t showcasing his piety here or nominating himself for a Christian of the Year award; he’s laying down a standard to which every believer should aspire. According to his inspired words, a mature Christian will strain toward what is ahead. Commentator Jac. Müller writes, “The verb used here is very descriptive, and calls to mind the attitude of a runner on the course, who with body bent forward, hand stretched to the fore, and eye fixed on the goal, strains forward with the utmost exertion in pursuit of his purpose.”

I mention this because many will say getting in shape physically, changing the way they eat, making time for exercise, being disciplined to work out even when they don’t feel like it, is too much effort. It sounds like works-righteousness. It might even lead to legalism. And since laziness and overeating don’t seem like scandalous sins, we let them slowly but steadily steal our health away.

This concession fosters an attitude that will eventually erode our spiritual life as well. Laziness is like pride—we can’t turn it on and off. It becomes a part of who we are. If we coddle laziness in one area of our lives, we’ll succumb to it in other areas too. Sins are, by nature, self-reproducing. Selfish people are selfish in every way. How they drive, how they spend their money, how they talk, and even how they serve is marked by selfishness. In the same way, if we become lazy with our physical health, we are likely to become lazy with our spiritual health. The reverse is also true. Cultivating discipline in physical fitness can make us more apt to be disciplined in spiritual fitness.

Can we value work as Paul did? I love his comments in 2 Timothy 2:6, when he tells his young protégé to “reflect” on the fact that it’s the “hardworking farmer” who gets the first share of the crops. This is such a brilliant metaphor that it’s sad I’ve neverheard a pastor preach on it. Much of a farmer’s work—unlike, say, that of an athlete, solider, or politician—is done behind the scenes, without any glory, applause, or excitement. Ancient farming, particularly in the days before mechanized harvesting, was grueling work based largely on perseverance and consistent effort. That’s the metaphor Paul uses to describe the hard, often anonymous work of a Christian as he or she pursues God and is used by God.

The renowned John Stott warns, “This notion that Christian service is hard work is so unpopular in some happy-go-lucky Christian circles today that I feel the need to underline it … It may be healthy for us to see what strong exertion [Paul] believed to be necessary in Christian service.” Indeed, as Stott points out, Paul—the champion of salvation by grace through faith—gloried in the fact that “I worked harder than all of them,” explicitly referencing his hard work in 1 Corinthians 15:10, 2 Corinthians 6:5, and Philippians 2:16. Paul always ties his labor to God’s energy and provision but never in a way that God’s provision puts Paul to sleep, and certainly not as an invitation to a life of neglect.

Physical fitness is like farming. Much of the work that produces it is unseen. No one is applauding or even recognizing our efforts. But the life it creates can be used by God to bless and serve many. The “planting” is grueling; the harvest can be great.

Up or Down

The ancient writers of the Christian classics viewed the spiritual life as either an upward progression or a downward spiral. To them, there was no plateau. We are either growing or dying. That’s why they feared, hated, and shunned laziness. Listen to Lorenzo Scupoli (16th cent.):

“This vice of sloth, with its secret poison, will gradually kill not only the early and tender roots that would ultimately have produced habits of virtue, but also habits of virtue that are already formed. It will, like the worm in the wood, insensibly eat away and destroy the very marrow of the spiritual life.”

Henry Drummond (19th cent.) also tackled spiritual laziness. He believed an intentional, purposeful effort is essential to spiritual growth:

“What makes a man a good cricketer? Practice. What makes a man a good artist, a good sculptor, a good musician? Practice. What makes a man a good linguist, a good stenographer? Practice. What makes a man a good man? Practice. Nothing else. There is nothing capricious about religion. We do not get the soul in different ways, under different laws, from those in which we got the body and the mind. If a man does not exercise his arm he develops no biceps muscle; and if a man does not exercise his soul, he acquires no muscle in his soul, no strength of character, no vigor of moral fiber, nor beauty of spiritual growth. Love is not a thing of enthusiastic emotion. It is a rich, strong, manly, vigorous expression of the whole round Christian character—the Christ-like nature in its fullest development.”

Doesn’t this make sense? Don’t we know from every other endeavor in life that to do nothing is to watch things disintegrate? That a business has to be managed, a garden has to be weeded, a body has to be washed, a child has to be parented? Why should we think it any different when it comes to the health of our souls?

“No man can become a saint in his sleep,” Drummond advises, “and to fulfill the condition required demands a certain amount of prayer and meditation and time, just as improvement in any direction, bodily or mental, requires preparation and care.”

Living a life of diligent labor, faithfully discharging all the duties God has given us, is the most fulfilling life any of us can ever live. It’s the life we are designed to live. It’s the life that on our deathbeds we will wish we had lived (or be grateful for those times we did live it). In the end, the last thing I want to hear from my Lord is, “You wicked, lazy servant!” (Matthew 25:26). Instead, don’t we all long to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” (verse 21)?

Let’s cultivate hearts and bodies that will lead to this end.

Gary addresses sloth in Every Body Matters

*Johannes Tauler (fourteenth century), a Dominican monk, was a disciple of Meister Eckhart and a key voice of the influential German mystics. He spent most of his life in the Order of Preachers, and his writings had a significant impact on Martin Luther.

The post Sloth: The Spiritual Assassin appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Help! I’m Infatuated with Someone Other Than My Spouse

In 1977, Avodah Offit wrote a popular book entitled The Sexual Self that became a favorite among many sex therapists. I’m not endorsing the book (I haven’t actually read it), but she has a quote in it that I wish I would have read before I got married:

“My experience indicates that most people become infatuated or fall in love with others an average of six times in the course of a long marriage.”

Six times sounds like a lot to me, but when I found myself very attracted to someone else rather early in my marriage to Lisa, I was caught completely off-guard. It made me think something was wrong with my marriage, rather than that such feelings are normal and even predictable. Not being fore-warned, I wasn’t fore-armed. It would have been so helpful for me to know thirty years ago not to freak out. Perhaps I would have managed it better than I did.

If you’re committed to cherishing your spouse for life and suddenly find your mind fixated on someone else, there are many wrong responses and several right ones.

The first wrong response is to assume something is wrong with your marriage, in the sense that you need a new marriage. For us Christians, trouble in our marriage is more like finding out we have heart disease. In all but the most serious of cases (abuse, unrepentant infidelity) we should seek to repair the heart instead of search for a new one.  If you don’t understand that additional attraction is normal you may think that because, momentarily at least, you seem to have stronger feelings for someone else than you do for your spouse, the marriage must have run its course.  But just like with a physical heart (where you can bring cholesterol down and alleviate high blood pressure before you seek a heart transplant), so in marriage you can treat the underlying weakness before you jettison the relationship.

In a sacred marriage, the marriage isn’t over until God says it’s over. Your feelings for this other person that you’re not married to don’t mean you no longer have a deep commitment to (or even love for) your spouse; your emotions have just been caught off-guard. That’s all it is. That’s what emotions do. In other words, don’t make the infatuation more than it is. Arm yourself with this understanding: if you get a divorce and marry this new person and stay married for a long time, you’ll eventually become attracted to or infatuated with someone else, maybe even your current spouse! (Don’t laugh. I’ve seen it happen with other marriages.) Infatuations inside and outside of marriage are momentary storms. It’s foolish to cancel your summer vacation because of a winter storm warning. Just wait until it passes.

The second wrong response is to be caught by surprise. Imagine a heavyweight boxer working out for months, strategizing for his next fight, then freaking out when he takes an uppercut that makes him woozy. A good trainer will tell him in advance to expect and then overcome that hit—clinch your opponent, stall for time, get your full consciousness back as soon as possible. The champion boxer will have a plan for when he gets hit.

In marriage, an infatuation or attraction for someone else is like that uppercut. It’s part of the game—much more common, apparently, than I realized, if Offit is to be believed. We’ve got to learn how to respond rather than let the uppercut take us out. When it happens, figure out how to recover instead of just falling down (we’ll address that in a moment when we talk about right responses).

The third wrong response is to feed the attraction or the infatuation. The famous three elements of building a relationship—time, talk, and touch—must be guarded against, religiously. Suffocate the affection. Don’t feed it. Deprive it of everything that normally builds a relationship. If you slip off alone and have a meal together “to talk things out,” you’re creating a romantic tsunami that may become more powerful than you can handle. Sneaking around creates an intimacy that feeds the infatuation and feelings. “You and me against the world” becomes a romantic notion instead of the nightmare scenario that it is. In such cases, it’s not just “you and me against the world,” it’s “you and me against God,” and that’s a dangerous place to be.

So, the three wrong responses are, don’t assume it’s the end of your marriage; don’t be caught by surprise; and don’t feed it.

The Right Responses

Lisa eventually found out about the first time I became infatuated with someone else because it became a big mess, much to my own discredit and fault. The second time, Lisa never knew because I was prepared and knew how to handle it. I went to my godly, wise friends. I was part of a great accountability group we called “the Pacific Rim” because it consisted of a Japanese man, a Korean man, and a Chinese man. I was the token white guy. I think every young husband should have friends that are following the Lord like these guys.

Right away I let them know what was going on. It was at a conference, and absent “artificial contact” I wouldn’t see this person again for about another year. We jokingly called her the “elevator girl” because that’s where I met her. It would have been possible to track her down if I had a “work” question, but my friends and I had agreed, “We’re not ever going to do that, right?” And they’d check up every now and then to make sure nothing was going on. I’m such a terrible liar—I’d lose everything I own if I tried to play poker—so there was no chance of fooling these guys.  

I was surprised at how quickly and how easily this second attraction was managed. Without it being fed, it died a rather predictable and easy death. There’s been nothing else remotely close to it in the past couple of decades, so I don’t see how I can get to Offit’s six—and I hope I never do.

No doubt, focusing so intently on cherishing my spouse certainly keeps me distracted from possibly cherishing someone else.

Here’s what made the difference: I saw the attraction as a threat instead of a fantasy or escape. I knew it had to be guarded against instead of fed. I knew I needed to ask for help and reinforcements. And I knew, from past experience, that it could pass and it needn’t threaten my marriage. It didn’t even have to frustrate my marriage. It never reached the point where I or the guys thought I should even talk to Lisa about it, because it was never a big deal.

For her part, Lisa has experienced this just once and, like me, was caught totally off guard. “No one ever warned me that this happens,” she told me years later. “No one talks about it.” I tried not to take it personally that he had a ponytail (you can take the girl out of Seattle, but you can’t always take Seattle out of the girl).

Add both of us up, and our marriage has faced this three times. The lesson learned? Don’t take it too seriously when an outside attraction or even infatuation happens to you, and don’t take it too personally when it happens to your spouse. We rarely choose these things, and, at least according to therapists, they’re bound to happen. In a sacred marriage, there’s so much more keeping us together than a momentary emotional storm. Remind yourself of those things: the vows you made to your Creator, to your spouse, before your church, and friends and family. The reality that you are married to your heavenly Father-in-Law’s daughter or son. Your kids’ welfare. Your witness. The spiritual benefit of working through difficulties in marriage instead of running from them. The fact that having to kill your marriage and betray your life partner should make you miserable and ashamed rather than happy.

Like a champion boxer who anticipates his opponent’s uppercuts, recognize that monogamy will also involve taking a few hits. One hard punch doesn’t have to knock you out and shouldn’t knock you out. Practice wise self-defense and you can stay in the ring and finish the match.

Knowing that outside infatuation remains a possibility can actually serve marriages. Proust suggests that a little jealousy rescues relationships that have been “ruined by habit.” It’s natural to begin taking our spouse for granted. Occasionally doubling down on winning our spouse’s hearts back is a good practice if it’s not done out of desperation and fear. Rather than remembering to do this only when we suspect an outside attraction has already been built, we can anticipate it. Since I now know that this happens, I shouldn’t get too laissez faire in my marriage. Just because I take a break from wooing my wife doesn’t mean her emotions will take a break from being wooed.

Positively working to cherish your spouse (by taking the Cherish Challenge!) can keep your mind and heart so activated and attuned to your own marriage that outside emotional attractions are likely to become far less common. At least, that’s what has happened with me.

Cherish Challenge Week 7

Read chapter 9 of Cherish, “Cherish Your Unique Spouse.”If you haven’t done the Relate assessment yet, do it now here. This survey will help you understand yourself, your spouse, and your couple dynamics in a clearer, more scientific way. Get 20% off the purchase of your Relate assessment by using the coupon code “Gary”.Spend a date night describing each other. Yes, you’ve heard it all before, but go over your histories, your personalities, what makes each of you you.Choose a favorite picture to post in a place where you’ll see it every day: on your desk, where you get dressed, etc. If you already have such a picture, be intentional about looking at it each day for the next week, thinking about your spouse and what he/she means to you.Please share your story with how this is helping your marriage on the Cherish Challenge page here.

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The Blessing and Necessity of Good Works

As a protestant, I grew up hearing “good works” talked about the way so many talk about porn today—with utter disgust and horror. Legalism was condemned with a fiery fervor, and “works righteousness” was presented as the sin of all sins.  

This universal disgust and warning continue today, and while I understand the danger, I don’t understand the emphasis. When I look around, I don’t see anyone trying to get to heaven through good works, nor anyone who thinks that’s the key to getting into heaven. Maybe I’ve been cocooned in churches and traditions that have emphasized grace, but if you look at the major Christian publishing houses, they all release books emphasizing grace and condemning legalism.

As they should.

Condemning works righteousness today is like condemning nude sunbathing in an Alaskan winter. You’re screaming against something that most people wouldn’t even think of doing. 

On the other hand, I don’t see hardly any Christians (outside perhaps the recovery movement) working diligently and conscientiously to live a holy life. For every believer who seems to take growth in sanctification seriously, I see ten who fall into what Dietrich Bonhoeffer would call “cheap grace.” There are a lot of Christians who have uttered the sinner’s prayer and now take great comfort that they aren’t “under the law” and can live the same self-absorbed lives as anyone else.

But please don’t mistake this post as a call to focus on no longer doing bad things. On the contrary, it’s a call to become zealously devoted to good things. A healthy Christian is devoted to doing good works.

These aren’t my words, they’re the apostle Paul’s: “And let our people learn to devote themselves to good works, so as to help cases of urgent need, and not be unfruitful” (Titus 3:14). Paul says elsewhere that we were created to do good works: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

One of the reasons the writer of Hebrews urges us to keep meeting each other is to inspire each other to do good works: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works” (10:24).

These good works have nothing to do with salvation and everything to do with salvation. They have nothing to do with salvation in that they don’t earn it. They have everything to do with salvation in that they are a direct response from it. When you feel cherished by God, it follows that you want to cherish others. In Titus 3:1–14 alone, Paul mentions this pursuit three times: “be ready for every good work” (verse 1), “devote themselves to good works” (verse 8), and “learn to devote themselves to good works” (verse 14). Paul—the champion of salvation by grace through faith—emphasizes the necessity and blessing of good works proceeding out of grace.

One a Day

So what is a healthy Christian’s response to God’s stupendous grace? How does a heart that truly “gets” mercy and forgiveness and the kindness and generosity of God supernaturally respond? We want to show the same mercy, forgiveness, kindness, and generosity to others in the form of good works. Again—not to get into heaven but to bring heaven to earth.

I try to think of at least one good work to do a day. This might sound legalistic, but good works are so woefully neglected and de-emphasized that aiming for “one a day” is sort of like a millionaire tithing ten percent. It seems like the least you can do. And once you start doing this, you’ll realize it’s not legalistic at all and want to do good works all day long. Serving others in practical ways is the widest avenue to increased joy and happiness.

Look, I consider a day without Scripture a day with loss. A day without prayer, unthinkable. A day without talking to and encouraging my wife would make me feel like a woefully neglectful husband. So why, with all of Scripture’s admonitions, would I be “afraid” of wanting every day to contain at least one good work, since that is what I was created to do and what Scripture says I should be devoted to doing?

When I find out a friend is looking to hire someone, and I know another friend who is looking for a job, I go out of my way to make the connection. That’s my “good work” for the day. I’m not just going to say “I’ll pray about that.” I want to put in a little effort—who could be blessed by this connection? That good work might take all of three minutes to compose a text or email, but that three minutes could make a huge difference in someone’s life.

I’ve helped connect “invisible” others with national ministries for interviews, speaking engagements, or book contracts. Because Lisa and I were so poor in the early years of our marriage, every Christmas we try to “adopt” a family that’s feeling a financial pinch. We know a financial gift could make such a difference for their Christmas celebration and perhaps they’ll worship God with a little more gusto if they have extra money to give each other gifts. That’s the marvelous thing about good works: when done in the right spirit, out of a joyful, thankful heart, they motivate people to praise God. And what gives a true believer more joy than to see others actively praising God?

I try to look at every blog post, every sermon, every chapter in a book as a “good work” to bless someone with. They’re not to impress someone—they’re to help someone. That might seem like a distinction without a difference, but it’s not if you give yourself over to it. Motivation is a big part of ministry—not just what we do, but why we do it. For other good works, I’m asking God to awaken me to phone conversations, text messages, or emails I might be able to send. If I have some extra time walking off a run or walking through a store, I’ll offer a silent prayer that if there’s someone God can bless through me, I’m available.

If you look through my past Twitter, blog, Instagram and Facebook posts, you won’t find hardly any mentions of books I attack (and maybe none—I can’t even remember a time I’ve done that). You’ll find plenty of books I encourage people to read. I would rather bless an author and bless a reader than go on the attack. Doing so feels like a good work. (I’m not denying the call some feel to occasionally point out misguided books; there’s a balance here.)  

I want my life to be filled with good works. It’s not about getting to heaven. It’s not about being legalistic. Doing good works is fun. It spawns joy. There’s a deep fulfillment when you know you’ve been able to bless someone.

Here’s where I go negative: I believe the fear so many have in doing good works because it’s mistakenly characterized as being legalistic “works righteousness” is demonically clever and insidious. It has impoverished the church’s outreach, ministry and witness. If you’re doing good works to be saved, you’re probably not saved and you’re badly mistaken. But if you’re devoted to doing good works because you are saved and you want to honor the God who saved you, you’re doing what God created you to do! For every sermon that denounces “works righteousness” there should be one urging the church to be devoted to good works. Almost all of us who are preaching are preaching to the 95 percent saved; such people need to be motivated, stimulated, and urged to devote themselves to good works.

That’s why I like the motto of “one a day.” Without such a modest goal, I can become self-absorbed and go a long time without even thinking about what Scripture says I should be devoted to. Looking for that daily good work keeps it fresh in my mind.

God didn’t create us to focus on “not sinning.” He created us to do good works. But how many Christians are obsessed with the former and completely ignore the latter?

Start small: put a nice note in a child’s lunch. Fill up your spouse’s gas tank. Call a lonely parent and offer to come over or babysit. At work, look for a way to leverage whatever influence you have to lift someone else up. Tip generously. Let someone in while driving in heavy traffic. Open up your eyes, ask God to show you what He wants you to do. Maybe it’s something as simple as a smile or an encouragement to a harried customer service representative.

We worship, serve, and are empowered by a very creative God, so once you start walking on the road of being devoted to good works, you’ll think of a hundred things that have never crossed my mind. And when you do, please come back here and share a few of them in the comments below. Right here, we can begin to fulfill Hebrews 10:24: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.”

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The Great Christian Classics List

Last week, I wrote about my lifelong love affair with the great Christian classics. This week, I want to offer a list of ones to consider.

Please keep in mind: I read books from all major Christian traditions to find out what’s right with them, not what’s wrong with them. Each one of the books listed below is likely to embrace theological positions with which I disagree, but I read the classics to fire up my spiritual devotion and have learned to embrace what I believe is orthodox and challenging without being sidetracked by occasional theological points that I believe are in error. Please don’t assume this list is an unqualified endorsement of everything every author says. Since none of them fully agree with each other, you can expect to come across divergent opinions. But together they comprise a rich mine of devotional treasure.

If this makes you anxious, I recommend you just stick to my book Thirsting for God, which uses many classic quotes to offer generalized teaching that I think most Christians will agree with. I don’t know why some Christians think that if you don’t agree one hundred percent with an author it’s “dangerous” to read her or his books, but some do. If that’s you, this list isn’t for you.

I make no claims that this list is in any way exhaustive, but if you think I’ve missed a particularly important one, please say so in the comments below. Or if you’d like to vote for your “favorite” among this least, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below as well.

Anonymous, The Didache (First century)

This is a preserved oral tradition focusing primarily on how home churches can incorporate gentile converts into the Christian fold.  A fascinating look at early Christian life.

Ambrose, On The Duties of the Clergy (late fourth century)

Ambrose was a godly, pastoral bishop who became a role model and mentor to Augustine. This series of books (there are 3) are a practical guide to ministry, stressing the need for virtue, mercy, and integrity, reminding us that more than we need better strategies for effective church leadership, we need women and men striving to be better people. Character comes before charisma. 

Saint Augustine, The Confessions of Saint Augustine (c. 400)

Long considered the classic of all time, many modern readers will find this book difficult reading with scattered wisdom. The genre itself will seem unfamiliar and slightly wordy to many evangelicals.

St. Gregory the Great, Pastoral Care (590)

I love this book. It’s a treatise on the responsibilities of the clergy, written by one of the most devout popes in history. It’s amazingly practical for the soul care of others, and many chapters deal with each side of pastoral care, such as “how to admonish the impatient and the patient” or “how to admonish the rich and the poor.” Gregory recognizes that different remedies are needed for people in different situations, with different temperaments, and different temptations.

John Climacus, The Ladder of Divine Ascent (c. 640)

The classic of eastern Christendom, written to monks, this book calls for a high commitment and the message may seem harsh, but the book is worthy of the attention it has received. I seemed to enjoy much more than most of my D.Min. students did.

Anselm of Canterbury (c. 1033-1109)

Anselm’s early major works, Monologion and Proslogion are written to prove the “essence of the divine” without recourse to Scripture but rather based on philosophical thought and argument alone. Maybe I just don’t have the intellectual chops to enjoy or even benefit much from Anselm. I found a few nuggets to ponder, but since I read the classics in large part for their spiritual inspiration, I found precious little here to feast on. Other works by Anselm, such as Why God Became Man are written in question and answer format. Scattered throughout are ancient and somewhat archaic theological and philosophical discussions, such as whether humans were created to replace the fallen angels, and would the number of humans chosen to be saved be the same or greater than the number of fallen angels? Unless you are a philosophy major for fun, I think you’d do well to look elsewhere for inspiration.

Brother Ugolino, The Little Flowers of Saint Francis (Late thirteenth, early fourteenth century)

Little Flowers is a narrative account of Francis of Assisi and his early followers.  While the historicity of many accounts is suspect, the model of devotion and the earnest application of a spirituality emphasizing poverty, simplicity, and prayer is truly inspiring.

Johannes Tauler, Sermons (mid-fourteenth century) and Meditations on the Life and Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ

Johannes Tauler, a Dominican monk, was a disciple of Meister Eckhart and a key voice of the influential German mystics.  He spent the bulk of his life in the Order of Preachers, and his writings had a significant impact on Martin Luther who called Tauler’s sermons “pure theology.”

Meditations on the Life and Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ is not your typical classic. Many probably wouldn’t enjoy it, but I found some sections extremely inspiring. If you want an introduction to Tauler, I’d recommend you start with his sermons. 

Anonymous, The Cloud of Unknowing (late fourteenth century)

This book is very mystical, but with real gems sprinkled throughout. Evangelicals might find the full “program” of little interest or benefit, but those who take the time to read it will find considerable wisdom.

Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love (late fourteenth century)

One of the distinctives of this book is that it is the first Christian classic, indeed, the first English book, that can be identified with certainty as being written by a woman.  As an evangelical, I must confess my own uneasiness with a book based on “divine revelations,” particularly when some of those seem to go against evangelical understandings of Scripture.  Accordingly, I read this book like poetry—not to get doctrine, not to take it literally, but to benefit from, and be inspired by, the fine prose and passionate surrender to God that is often a hallmark of feminine spirituality.

Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ (c. 1418)

This is probably one of the most popular spiritual classics of all time, and for good reason. À Kempis focused on rigorous spiritual training as a necessary part of Christian living. His work is a good counter to “soft” Christianity.

Louis of Granada, The Sinner’s Guide (sixteenth century)

Louis of Granada was a Dominican friar. The Sinner’s Guide is a powerful classic that has become one of my favorites. It’s broken up into motives for practicing virtues and then has many remedies against sin, as well as discussing the duty that we owe to God.

Lorenzo Scupoli, Spiritual Combat (sixteenth century)

A practical primer on the nature of sin, temptation, and spiritual warfare, this fine book was immediately recognized as a masterpiece of holy wisdom.  Though written in the midst of the Counter-Reformation, it was soon adopted by the Orthodox Church as well, where it was published as Unseen Warfare.

Ignatius Loyola, The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyola (1548)

Full of very practical advice for monks, this book also offers many helpful insights for modern day believers.

John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel and Dark Night of the Soul (c. 1587)

Author of these two mystical classics, John was recognized as a highly gifted spiritual director (he was Teresa of Avila’s director for three years). In these works he provides many helpful insights into the spiritual life, especially the stages that Christians go through. One of my favorite writers, John of the Cross wrote with an unparalleled passion for God.

John Calvin, The Institutes of the Christian Religion (sixteenth century)

Rewritten and updated throughout his life, Calvin produced one of the premier works on the Christian life.  You don’t have to be Reformed in theology to enjoy the spiritual insights and commentary that fill this work of spiritual genius.

Teresa of Avila, The Interior Castle (1588)

This is a relatively short book on prayer, emphasizing spiritual visions leading to spiritual betrothal and marriage.

Francis de Sales, Introduction to a Devout Life (1609) and Spiritual Conferences (post 1610)

Introduction is somewhat distinct among the classics in that Francis wrote for laypeople, not a religious community. His desire was to see ordinary tradesmen learn to grow spiritually, recognizing that they needed different advice than members of a religious community. This book is very practical with several helpful meditations. Spiritual Conferencesis a series of talks given to the Visitation nuns, so you can compare how Francis speaks to religious people.  The modern version is entitled The Art of Loving God.

John Owen, Sin and Temptation (1656-1667)

This is actually a compilation of three of John Owen’s treatises that have now been collected by Dr. James Houston. Owen’s teaching on sin and temptation should be considered must reading for every Christian.

Ralph Venning, The Sinfulness of Sin (1669)

Classic Puritan work, written in a classically Puritan style, developing an applicable and insightful theology of what sin is, why it is so serious, and how it affects the Christian life.  Originally published as Sin, the Plague of Plagues.

Thomas Brooks  Precious Remedies Against Satan’s Devices (seventeenth century)

Thomas Brooks was an English non-conformist Puritan preacher and author, born in 1608. This book is Brooks’ attempt to warn, protect and equip the people of God to confront, resist and confound Satan’s favorite schemes. It could be considered a puritan precursor to C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters.

Blaise Pascal, Pensées (1670)

Pascal was a brilliant man in both science and devotion; the Penséescomprise an unfinished collection of his random thoughts. It’s haphazard reading, but there are some real gems for those who wade through the collection.

Jeanne Guyon, Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ (late seventeenth century)

Originally published as A Short and Easy Method of Prayer, Experiencing the Depthsexplores a life of unceasing prayer, meditation, and contemplation, emphasizing abandonment and union with God.

Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God (1692)

Brother Lawrence was a very humble man with an extraordinary sense of living in God’s presence. This little book includes several letters and conversations Brother Lawrence had with others who wanted to learn from his experience.

Francois Fénelon, Christian Perfection (1704-1717)

Fénelon wrote as a wealthy mystic living in the upper strata of French society. The temptations faced by the elite several hundred years ago are remarkably similar to those faced by middle-class evangelicals today. This is one of the most helpful spiritual classics I’ve read; it’s one you may want to read over and over.

William Law, A Practical Treatise Upon Christian Perfection (1726)

This was published two years before A Serious Call and has been overshadowed by its younger brother, but it is just as powerful. This is seriously one of the most convicting and challenging Christian classics I have ever read. In fact, it may be the most challenging and convicting one ever. It could be dangerous for a legalist, but it also offers some helpful pushback for cheap grace and easy-believism.

William Law, A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life (1728)

This is a rigorous treatise written by a devout Puritan. It is very helpful and challenging but, like its’ precursor, could be dangerous for a person who isn’t rooted in grace because it might lead some into an unhealthy legalism.

John Wesley, Wesley’s Journal (eighteenth century)

An astonishing, convicting, inspiring and compelling day-to-day account of a man on fire for God, earnestly seeking to build God’s Kingdom, and inviting us to share the journey.

St. Theophan the Recluse. The Path of Salvation: A Manual of Spiritual Transformation (19th century)

A marvelous book by a beloved Russian Orthodox saint. Well worth re-reading. The Path to Salvation is his magnum opus, and actually a combination of three books published separately: “How Does the Christian Life Begin in Us?” “On Repentance and the Sinner’s Turning Toward God,” and “How the Christian life is Lived, Ripened and Fortified.”

Thomas Cogswell Upham (1799-1872)  Principles of the Interior or Hidden Life

 Brilliant classic that I’m eager to re-read. Very challenging and inspiring look at a fully consecrated life, stressing that prayerful obedience is birthed out of a worshipful, love relationship with God. Upham also touches on the frightful cost of sin—how it empties us of power, brings static into our fellowship with God and drains us.

Henry Drummond, The Greatest Thing in the World (late nineteenth century)

Drummond was one of D.L. Moody’s favorite “counselors” for those who responded to the famous evangelist’s appeals.  He received considerable fame in his own right for his work applying the theory of evolution and natural laws to the spiritual life.  This work consists of a series of addresses given by Drummond between 1876 and 1881, originally published under the title The Ideal Life. 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (twentieth century)

While it may be premature to call a book less than a hundred years old a classic, this treasured devotional is surely deserving of the title.  Chambers was renowned for his work with the YMCA, and his daily thoughts breathe an astonishing depth of insight and devotion.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (1937)

A ringing indictment of “cheap grace” and a call to experiential faith.  Bonhoeffer warned that cheap grace was ruining more Christians than legalism, and sought to call the church toward the costly grace of discipleship.

Lewis, C.S., The Screwtape Letters (1944)

Among the most creative of all classics, this book brilliantly exposes the nature of temptation, spiritual warfare, human nature, and a life of faith.

A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God (1948)

A classic call to an experiential, intentional, and transformational faith. I’m holding the line at books written prior to 1950 to deserve the title “classic,” but I believe it likely that Tozer will still be read 100 years from now.

The post The Great Christian Classics List appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Think About What You Think About

If we want a healthy marriage, if we want a marriage that is marked by cherishing, we have to think about what we think about. Many of us often let our thoughts run wild. Instead of governing our thoughts, we become prisoners of our thoughts. God’s word encourages us to corral our thoughts, choose which ones we want to hang onto, and then focus them. In other words, think about what you think about.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8).

In her excellent book (which I highly recommend) Choose Joy, Kay Warren describes finding the “secret” to staying close to her husband Rick following conflict: “Early in my marriage, I wasn’t very skilled at resolving conflict. When Rick and I would have a disagreement and my feelings would get hurt, I found myself resistant to reconnecting with him, even if he was ready to resolve things. I waited for my negative feelings to dissipate so that we could be close again, but hours would pass and the negative feelings would remain. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t make my feelings cooperate, and I repeated the same pattern, argument after argument.”

“Finally, someone shared with me a principle that altered our relationship: What we think determines how we act, and how we act determines how we feel. I was operating on the belief that I needed to feel differently before I could think differently. But the formula is reversed: Our thinking changes first, our actions come next, and our feelings follow.”

“Instead of waiting for my feelings to change so I could act in a forgiving way, I needed to change my thoughts. Instead of rehearsing the argument, I needed to rehearse God’s Word in my mind. Once my thoughts were back on track and in harmony with God’s instructions about relationships, I could make the right choices.”

Whatever is True

In my Cherish seminars, I tell the true story of a wife, married three months, getting dressed in the morning. As she takes a blouse off a hanger and puts the hanger back, her husband snaps, “I know you’re doing that just to bug me.”

“What are you talking about?” she asks.

“Putting those naked hangers in between clothes. I know you do that just to bug me.”

This wife had honestly never even heard the phrase “naked hanger,” and she had no idea they were somehow embarrassed to be placed next to hangers with clothes on them.

“Look,” her husband said. “You put the naked hangers together, like this…”

Sure enough, her husband’s closet had all the naked hangers hanging out together in a little naked hanger nudist colony.

This newlywed wife wasn’t trying to irritate her husband. She honestly didn’t even know this was a “thing.” But how many of us do something similar? Our spouse does something that irritates us and we jump to conclusions: “I know he/she is doing that just to bug me” when maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re just clueless.

When it comes to marriage, let’s give our spouse the benefit of the doubt instead of the certainty of our judgment. In certain marriages where trust has been breached, a little suspicion is warranted and trust must be regained. But our first thought (in a non-abusive marriage) should be to think our spouse has the best intention until we find out that’s not the case.

Before you jump to conclusions, make sure it’s true.

Honorable, Right, Pure, Lovely, and Admirable

All three of my marriage seminars (Sacred Marriage, A Lifelong Love, and Cherish) address the same verse to varying degrees because I think it’s fundamental when we talk about “improving” marriage: “We all stumble in many ways” (James 3:2). The Bible promises us that our spouses will stumble not just occasionally, but in many ways. This is true of everyone: we all stumble. Which means, every spouse will have legitimate negative things to think about their spouse on a regular, ongoing basis. And your spouse will have legitimate negative things to think about you.

Paul is saying we can choose not to think about those things. We can choose instead to think about something else: things about our spouse that are honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.

That’s why I write about the “thanksgiving” journal in cherish—training our minds to focus on the good things our spouse does and the admirable qualities they possess. You may not want to do a daily journal (I realize doing this sounds obsessive to some), but everyone could make a short “what I love about my spouse” list.

I even do this with God, who never fails: I have a running list of praiseworthy things I want to meditate on about Him. Even though He is prefect, thinking about this list preserves and strengthens a heart and mind bent toward continual worship.

Many addicts make a list to preserve sobriety: they have a list of reasons to value sobriety and they review that list when temptation to fall becomes intense.

A list to preserve not just your marriage, but a cherishing attitude in marriage, will go a long way. So write it out! When you get particularly frustrated, review the list. Maybe my idea in Cherish of writing something new down every day seems like way too much work and you read right over it. I understand that. But you can make a preliminary list in ten minutes. And you can add one thing to that list once a week, can’t you? That would take less than a minute a week.

Keeping Off the Death Spiral

When a couple starts the slide toward contempt, they become obsessed and fixated on their spouse’s failings. Such a mindset never motivates your spouse. Your spouse is never less likely to change than when he/she feels you look at them only with contempt. Kay Warren points out, “Some of us feel duty-bound to point out to other people their imperfections. Then we expect them to be grateful for it, as if they’ll say, ‘Oh, thank you! I was waiting for you to tell me about that flaw today!’”

When we go through the “Philippians 4:8 List” we create a cherishing climate in our marriages. As Kay notes, “Nothing will restore joy in another person’s heart faster than the words, ‘I accept you as you are.’”

The human condition, according to Scripture, means that the same spouse doing the same things can be despised or cherished, depending on what we choose to think about. If you want to cherish your spouse, think about what you think about.

Cherish Challenge Week Six

Read (or listen to) chapters 7 and 8 Cherish.Begin making your short list. Use the words of Philippians 4:8, giving two examples for each trait to begin your list:

True (are you sure your spouse is trying to irritate you?)

Honorable (what makes you proud to be married to your spouse?)

Right (in alignment with God)

Pure (morally upright, often used for sexual purity)

Lovely (things that are beautiful to behold)

Admirable (qualities you’d like your kids to emulate)

Excellent (where does your spouse excel)?

Worthy of praise (how would others praise your spouse?)

Ask your spouse, “On a spectrum of thinking about you along the lines of Philippians 4:8 (10), and thinking about you with contempt (1), what number would you place me at?Please, share your practical testimonies with us about how this blog post, chapter, and exercise in the Cherish Challenge is positively impacting your marriage. We want to feature your stories! You can submit them on the Cherish Challenge page.

The post Think About What You Think About appeared first on Gary Thomas.