Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 45

Don’t Let Past Sin Steal Present Pleasure

With
good intentions, we often warn single Christians about the relational damage associated
with premarital sex. In a noble desire to urge single believers to follow God’s
design of abstinence before marriage, we can unwittingly sabotage God’s
design after marriage if we’re not just
as pastoral claiming the victory of God over confessed sin as we are
warning Christians away from prior sin.

Satan
assaults us with three attacks, not
one. He tempts (1 Cor. 7:5), yes, but then
he also accuses us after we give in to the temptation (Rev. 12:10), and
finally he condemns us as forever wrecked following the temptation. We
need to learn how to apply God’s promised grace to all three attacks:
temptation, accusation, and condemnation. 

The
church often focuses almost exclusively on Satan’s role in temptation while
leaving believers floundering in the face of spiritual accusation and
condemnation. We need the same pastoral heart as the apostle Paul who gave his
warnings to the Corinthians “So that we may not be taken advantage of by Satan.
For we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Cor. 2:11).

Jack
Deere, a popular author, was earnest about his faith as a young man. But there
was that one time before marriage that he had sex with a prostitute in Mexico…
It was a stupid and evil thing to do, a rash spur of the moment decision to
find out what sex was like, but now, he couldn’t make the memories or the
spiritual pain go away.

And
then there were the many times he almost had
sex in college. He had done everything short of intercourse and while
confessing it to his fiancée he realized the difference between what he had
done and actually “going all the way” didn’t seem all that wide.

His
future wife Leesa then confessed that she and her high school boyfriend had
also “done everything short of intercourse.”

Jack
decided he could live with that.

A
couple days later, Leesa’s conscience made her “up” the confession and she
nervously admitted that she and her prior boyfriend had actually had sex. Jack
told her he was okay with that knowledge, but then he went home and rammed his
fist into a metal filing cabinet.

Leesa
was the same person after the confession as before, but the knowledge of her
past seemed to change everything for
Jack.

Should
it have?

Jack’s
struggles with their respective pasts robbed their early marriage of the joy married
sex offers. Because Jack didn’t adequately understand Satan’s role as accuser
and condemner as well as tempter, he allowed a past sin to assault his present
relationship and even vandalize his future wedding night. In one of the saddest
passages I’ve ever read about a marriage night Jack writes:

My belief in the irrevocable damage of my sin had stolen much of the joy of our courtship and all of my joy in our wedding. To me, our wedding was not a celebration of our love; it was an empty formality to make our sex legal.

All her life, Leesa had imagined her groom telling her how beautiful she was on her wedding night. I was so preoccupied with what I shouldn’t have done that I neglected to do what she needed most. When the morning came, Leesa thought I had settled for her out of obligation caused by my sin.

What’s worse: sex before marriage, or forgetting to tell the bride how beautiful she is on her wedding night? (Jack Deere, Even in Our Darkness)

As
a pastor, that last line is so painful for me to read: “What’s worse: sex
before marriage, or forgetting to tell the bride how beautiful she is on her
wedding night?”

As
Christians we can’t pretend that premarital sex doesn’t have an impact—it does (or
else God wouldn’t warn us away from it in His word). But the Bible also teaches
us there is a remedy for our sin—the grace and forgiveness won by the death and
resurrection of Jesus. You can’t erase the past and may even have to deal with
a few consequences in the present, but you can move toward a glorious,
uninhibited and joyful future when you embrace all that God offers us in this
fallen world.

To
take hold of such a future we have to remember and refute each point of
Satan’s three-fold attack. First, he tempts us to sin,
then viciously accuses us after we sin, and then lies to us by insisting that
we, rather than Christ, must pay the price for our sin (condemnation). After we
fall, we think that making ourselves feel miserable and condemned and perhaps
even accepting a sub-par sex life in marriage somehow makes up for our past sin.
It doesn’t. Only Christ can pay that price. Our suffering adds nothing to His.    

All three
lies (temptation, accusation, and condemnation) come from the evil one.
Sometimes, we recognize only the first (temptation) as being from Satan, but
accusation and condemnation can do just as much damage. Don’t make your spouse
pay for your or their past sin. Jesus has us covered from beginning to end. Embrace
His gift of forgiveness and the freedom that follows.

So
let’s learn to respond to temptation with truth. In Luke 11:28 we’re told, “Blessed are
those who hear the word of God and obey it.” Jesus wants to give us abundant
life, and the most abundant life is found in obedience. Let God bless you by
doing what He asks of you.

When we fail to
do that, for whatever reason, let’s also learn to respond with Scripture to the
accusation that follows our sin. Romans 8:33 tells us, “Who will bring a charge against God’s elect?
God is the one who justifies.”

And finally, whenever you hear the whispers
that you are condemned, and must accept “punishment” for your disobedience
(financial wreckage, vocational failure, sexual frustration) remind yourself of
Romans 8:1: “There is no condemnation for those who belong
to Christ Jesus.” Jesus paid the price so we don’t have to.

We
need to learn to surrender to God in the face of temptation, but also to
surrender to God in the face of accusation and condemnation. It’s a threefold
battle. Let’s apply Scripture in every arena of the
fight, to ourselves and to others.

The post Don’t Let Past Sin Steal Present Pleasure appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Resetting the Bar of Marriage

Neuroscience
tells us that the shelf-life of an infatuation is about twelve to eighteen
months. It’s a nice run while it lasts, but when the slide starts, you can’t
stop it. You’ve got to find something new to build.

That
“something new” can be a cherishing marriage. Infatuation is built on
happenstance. When it hits, we may be as surprised as anyone. Cherishing, on
the other hand, is a choice. Because infatuation is passive, once it starts to
fade, you can’t force it back. Cherishing is the opposite: because it’s a
choice, if it starts to weaken, you can build it back up, which you’ll have to
do from time to time if you want to preserve a cherishing marriage. Cherishing
isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a long-term policy that needs to be renewed.  

If
you read Cherish when it first came out, now might be a good time to go
back and remind yourself of the power of this one word and the difference it
can make to re-set the bar of what you want out of marriage.

My
goal is that those who have been married five, ten, twenty-five or even fifty
years will seek to build a marriage that younger infatuated couples envy—not to
spite them, but to help them.

By
year five of your marriage you know infatuation has a rather limited shelf-life,
even though young couples often feel their emotions so strongly that they sometimes
think they have found something more precious than mature love. Part of this is
our fault as older couples; when we tolerate substandard mature marriages, we
give young people reason to look down on what we have. Yet we have the
delightful calling and wonderful opportunity to demonstrate to younger or newer
couples that when infatuation fades, there’s something even better than infatuation up ahead: a cherishing marriage.
Otherwise, when their infatuation fades, they may think they have nothing to
look forward to and just hang in there for a few more years until they become
infatuated with someone else and get a divorce to pursue the next new infatuation.

When
the bar is set at “love” we’re focused on our own obligations: sacrificing,
serving, being committed. Those are all good things, but cherishing lifts our
sights a bit higher to celebrate each other, delight in each other, showcase
each other, and develop a special affection that no one else can match. It
comes from holding to the promise most of us made on the day we got married (“I
promise to love and to cherish until death do us part”), adopting a cherishing
mindset, and unleashing practices in our marriage that build a heart and mind that
truly cherishes each other.

Once
we start cherishing, we don’t naturally keep cherishing however. It has to be
an ongoing commitment, which is why I’m humbly
suggesting that if God challenged you with the message of Cherish that
for the year 2020, you dust it off and give it another look. And if you haven’t
had a chance to read it yet, January is always a good time to start.

And
that bit about making younger couples jealous? Let me explain.

Decades
ago, my friend Dr. Greg Bledsoe was a medical student in a family practice
clinic when he and the resident doctor walked into the room of an elderly
female patient and her husband. The patient’s limbs were shrunk with
neuromuscular disease, and she sat tilted to the side with her mouth agape,
drooling.

Her
husband was spry and sharp. As a young man might, Greg felt sorry that this
octogenarian man was saddled with caring for such a “broken down” wife in his
old age. After the husband reached up and wiped a little drool from his wife’s
chin, Greg glanced down at the medical charts and saw that this couple still
lived together, making the husband this woman’s primary caregiver. Greg found
himself praying, “Please, God, not me, ever.”

The resident physician received a page and stepped into the hall to answer it, leaving Greg sitting alone in the exam room with this patient and her husband. Greg wasn’t far enough along in his studies to dispense medical advice so there was an awkward pause, which was eventually broken by the husband’s earnest boasting of his wife’s excellence.

You see, the husband had noticed the way Greg looked at his wife, and it hurt him that this young medical student was missing the beauty and elegance of his wife because of her current condition. He began boasting about her finest qualities and their favorite memories.        

Greg reflects, “For the next ten minutes I was transfixed as this man, who moments before I had pitied, regaled me with story after story of his life together with his wife.  It was incredible.  What was even more incredible, however, was the change that occurred in me.

Watching this elderly man caress his wife’s hand, kiss her cheek, wipe away her drool, and joyfully recount their lives together provoked a powerful transformation of perspective within me. Gone was any semblance of pity.  Instead, in its place was…envy.”

When this man simply “loved” his wife—cared for her and sacrificed for her—Greg felt sorry for him. But when he saw this husband cherish his drooling, mentally absent, severely wrinkled and elderly wife, he envied him. He realized this man had experienced and was still experiencing something special that goes far beyond personal appearance, emotional euphoria or relational “fun.”

It became apparent to Greg than when this man wiped drool off his wife’s chin, it was no different from a twenty-five-year old flirtatiously wiping ice cream off a date’s cheek. But it was even deeper than that. This was an act of affection and giving, not asking.

This one encounter forever changed the way Greg looked at and thought about marriage. A couple years later he asked a young woman with beautiful hair and flawless skin to be his wife, yet he knew, because of this elderly couple, that it would take decades to fully experience the joys of a mature, cherishing marriage.

A cherishing marriage is built and sustained by myriad choices, reinforced over decades, so that someone becomes increasingly precious to us. What this means is that your best days as a couple can still be ahead of you. Instead of looking back wistfully, you can wake up excitedly!

Cherish DVD

Let’s
rebuild our marriages to give young couples something to look forward to.

If you used traditional vows at your wedding, you made a promise to cherish your spouse. How about using 2020 to renew that promise and learn what it means to fulfill it, whether you made that promise months or decades ago?

I
accepted the “Cherish challenge” some years ago to aspire to more than mere
love in my marriage. When my time here on earth comes to an end, I want people
to be able to say, “He didn’t just love his wife, he cherished his wife.” I want this not so that others would be
impressed by me, but because I want people to see marriage really and truly can
keep getting better—long past the time infatuation has flitted away.

Re-setting
the bar of marriage at Cherish has transformed thousands of marriages. Will you
let it build yours in 2020?

The post Resetting the Bar of Marriage appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Your Marriage is About So Much More Than You

In
March of 2014, when Lisa and I landed in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba it felt
unbearably hot, even for a couple traveling from Houston, Texas. And the Navy chaplain escorting us
around said, “Congratulations—you came here during the coolest time of the
year.”

The chaplain, Baron Miller, who invited us and escorted us around.

Lisa and I have gotten to work with the military quite a bit through the years and seeing how the military operates firsthand always overwhelms me with the sacrifices our soldiers make. Many are separated from their families for months at a time. Their restaurant options on Guantanamo Bay make cooking at home seem like a good option. The internet connection brought back fond memories of 1990 (It took me 45 minutes to download a 32-minute podcast). And the “coolest time of the year” felt like walking on top of solar heating panels.

My
first assignment was to speak to a youth group on The Sacred Search (making a wise marital choice). Afterwards, an 11-year-old
boy asked to shake my hand and said, “I just want to thank you for saving my
parents’ marriage. My dad said your book Sacred
Marriage held them together, and our home has been so different ever since
they read it.”

Lisa
(sitting next to me) and I were at a complete loss for words. This boy seemed
so young, and so earnest, and so thankful, and it reminded me of a truth every
parent needs to take to heart:

Your
marriage is about so much more than you.

This
kid said his life had been changed because his parents’ marriage
had been changed.

When
you fight to stay intimate, when you struggle to forgive, when you pray to stay
close and to defeat the personal demons that war against your marriage, your
fidelity and your very soul, you’re not just fighting for your own happiness.
You’re fighting for your kids and grandkids. You’re fighting for the church’s
witness. You’re fighting for the glory of God.

People
who run first marathons often run for charities, saying, “I don’t want this to
be just about me.” They’re willing to endure 26 miles because it means more
than mere exercise to them. In our marriages, the stakes are even higher than
that. Will we endure, and not just endure, but press in to each other so that
we not only stay together, but thrive together and learn to cherish each other
in our passion to give the world and the church the joy and example of a
sacred, intimate marriage?

If
you could have seen how vulnerable that 11-year-old boy seemed, how sincerely
grateful he was, you would be moved as much as Lisa and I were.

This
holds true even if you’re an empty nester and active parenting is over. You
can’t erase all that your kids witnessed when they were growing up. But you can
still demonstrate the difference Jesus makes in a marriage when we re-surrender
our lives to him, orient ourselves once again around loving him and then loving
each other, choose to make our marriage more of a priority, and pray that we
can give our children and grandchildren an inspiring picture of mature
love.

Whether
your children are still at home or now just occasionally come to visit, more
than they need a hot meal and clean sheets, they need to see the power of a
God-centered, God-empowered mature love. We might wish we could have done better
for our children in years past, but we can create a certain kind of marriage
that will be the only kind of marriage our grandchildren will ever know we had,
the kind they will celebrate and remember long after we’re gone.

I
don’t think it’s a coincidence that I wrote Cherish: The One Word That Changes
Everything for Your Marriage as Lisa and I were becoming empty-nesters. The
empty nest, by definition, is defined by loss. But we can redefine it by
filling that loss with an increasing love for each other.

I was there with my good friend Dr. Steve Wilke, a marriage and family therapist who also consults for a lot of businesses. I spoke to the married couples and families, Steve to the officers and generals. You can probably figure out which two of us aren’t quite ready for combat…

The
thing is, you don’t have to wait until the kids are gone to start cherishing
each other. And the look on that young boy’s face made me more determined than
ever to reach every single couple who comes to a conference, every individual
who picks up a book, and every single reader who logs onto this blog with the
message that your marriage is about so much more than you. As far as it depends
on you (absent abuse, of course, when you need to get to a safe place), it’s
worth the effort.

The post Your Marriage is About So Much More Than You appeared first on Gary Thomas.

From Guilty Parent to Hopeful Parent

Arianna was heartsick over the moral choices her adult son was making. Even more heartrending was his answer when Arianna asked him where he saw Jesus in all of this.

“I’m having to rethink that,” her son said. “I’ve had questions about Jesus for some time.”

Those were the most painful words Arianna had ever heard. Her son’s behavior was one thing, but losing his faith in Jesus? That was something else entirely.

Arianna launched into a self-directed diatribe about where she had gone wrong as a mother. Maybe she should have homeschooled him? Maybe she let him get too busy with sports and didn’t emphasize faith quite enough?

Is this my fault? she wondered. Was I a bad parent?

As a pastor, it’s always difficult telling parents that loving Jesus, raising children in a solid church, and taking time at home to instill the basics of the faith doesn’t guarantee any particular outcome. I wish I could promise that our faithful efforts will result in our kids loving and following God, but we’re not programming computers. We’re raising young adults made in the image of God, and that image rests on humanity’s ability to make choices.

I took Arianna through Mark 13:12b-13a where Jesus, talking to believers, says, “Children will rise up against parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by everyone because of my name…” In a promise none of us want to claim, Jesus foretold that some believers would see their children rebel, not just against them, but against Him. Our sharing in the sufferings of Christ may have to include sharing in the heartbreak of loved ones who walk away from practicing the truth.

Arianna’s response was classic: “I prefer the verse about ‘train up a child in the way he should go and in the end he won’t depart from it.’”

We both laughed. Don’t we all?

Another severe promise from Jesus seems to focus particularly on children: “From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law” (Luke 12:52-53).

Jesus is telling his followers that following him doesn’t guarantee our children will follow him. In fact, Jesus could actually become a dividing line separating parent from child. That’s not a mark of failure, but in one sense, a mark of faithfulness.

Admittedly, this is not a truth most parents want to hear, but the reason Jesus says this and perhaps one of the reasons God sought to include it in Scripture, is in part so that parents who watch their children rebel know that doesn’t mean they’ve failed as a parent. Jesus said this not to condemn us, but to prepare us.

Dr. Steve Wilke tells grieving parents awash in guilt, “When God created the perfect world for Adam and Eve and even that wasn’t enough to keep them from sinning, do you think the Trinity asked, ‘Where did we go wrong?’”

We could also consider King David, whom God called out of nowhere and made a man of great significance, even putting him on the throne of Israel. David responded by committing adultery and murder. Do you think God asked, “What could I have done differently? If only I had been a better father!”

When Jesus lived as the perfect Messiah, giving Judas copious amounts of wondrous teaching, perfect counsel, and absolutely the best example anyone could ever offer, and yet all that proved not to be enough for Judas, did Jesus ask, “What did I do wrong as a rabbi?”

Everyone makes his or her own choices and thinking that we can be such good parents that our children will never stray is to think we can “outdo” the Trinity. You cannot, as a parent, create a perfect Garden of Eden experience for your kids, but even if you did, they’d mess it up.

The Samuel Syndrome

Samuel was a seminal figure in Israel’s history and, by all accounts, a faithful servant of God (see 1 Samuel 2:35 and 12:1 – 5). Yet both his kids rebelled against God:

When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as judges over Israel…However, his sons did not walk in his ways–they turned toward dishonest profit, took bribes, and perverted justice.

1 Samuel 8:1, 3

Some Christian authors have put the blame for this on Samuel, assuming he failed as a father (warning that ministry can get in the way of parenting), but nowhere does Scripture even hint at this. It just says that Samuel’s sons turned out to be miserable characters. Eli — ​whom Samuel succeeded — ​is specifically charged with not restraining his sons (1 Samuel 3:13), so the fact that the Bible remains silent about Samuel’s alleged failure likely means that God doesn’t fault him for his kids’ choice to lead ungodly lives.

Yet here’s the hard truth: as parents we ultimately wear our kid’s failures as though they were our own. I’m not saying we should; I’m just saying we usually do. We tend to take too much credit for kids who turn out well, and too much blame for kids who rebel. It can be a difficult truth that none of us can be such good parents that God becomes obligated to save our children’s souls. On the more encouraging end, none of us can mess up so badly that our children somehow extend beyond the reach of God’s mercy.

Consider Judah’s King Asa who began his reign as a God-fearing king, but he fell from the Lord’s favor when he relied on foreign powers rather than on God to defeat his enemies. When challenged about this, Asa imprisoned the prophet who spoke God’s truth to him. Yet in spite of such wicked rebellion, his son Jehoshaphat turned out to be a faithful man: “Now the Lord was with Jehoshaphat because he walked in the former ways of his father David” (2 Chronicles 17:3). Mercifully, Asa’s poor example did not pollute his son.

The Bible records instances of faithful servants of God who raise ungodly children (Samuel), and servants who abandon God but who yet have faithful, God-fearing offspring (Asa). It even records egregiously wicked kings (Ahaz) with heroic, God-following sons (Hezekiah).

Even if you were a perfect and wise parent always at your best, you have no guarantee that your children would always choose wisely. And just because you have many weaknesses doesn’t necessarily mean your kids will suffer.

This is the “Samuel Syndrome”: It is possible to be a faithful servant of God who has one or more kids go bad. And consider the “Ahaz Syndrome” as well: It’s possible to be a wicked parent with very godly offspring.

I am not saying that children can’t be led astray and even damaged by deficiencies in our parenting. But the failure of kids does not necessarily mean we have failed as parents, even though it does probably mean we’ll feel as though we’ve failed as parents. Guilt is a given for a fallen parent called to raise sinful kids; none of us will be perfect mothers or fathers.

The Hope

Here’s your hope: the one person more concerned about your children, especially their spiritual welfare, is God. He is neither silent nor limited in his power. Here’s where I personally find a lot of encouragement: if God can win and keep me, is anyone beyond his reach?  

My final three words of advice to Arianna were these.

First, you may not know where your son is with God, but you do know where God is with your son: He loves him and wants him to be saved. “God our Savior…wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim. 2:4). God isn’t just the author of our faith; he’s the finisher (Heb. 12:2).

If Arianna focuses her thoughts on her son and his choices, she’s going to be trapped in fear and despair. If she redirects those thoughts to faith in God, His character and His power, she will be buoyed by hope.

Last weekend, I preached at a church and afterwards two different mothers told me the same story involving their two different sons: both were imprisoned and initially, the mothers thought this was the worst news possible. Both sons became believers in prison and now both mothers believe prison is the best thing that could have happened to their boys. God can reach our children in places we can’t, with methods that are beyond us, using people we don’t even know. Put your hope in Him.

Second, a very wise Christian leader whose heart was broken by one of his children walking away from God told me that it took a full year for him to be able to find joy apart from the choices of his children. “I finally decided,” he told me, “that the moral choices my kids make won’t rob me of walking in the joy of Christ.” We don’t expect those who lose a relative to death to just “get over it,” and we shouldn’t expect those who feel like they are “losing” someone to rebellion to just “get over it.” Grieving takes time and everyone follows their own path through it. One spouse may be able to slough it off while the other may feel paralyzed with hurt and fear. Don’t let your varied responses to your children’s rebellion become a point of disdain or distance in your marriage. This is a time for extra marital support, extra grace, and extra understanding.

Finally, many parents have found that prayers for prodigals should focus more on Jesus than the sin. If your child is addicted or in trouble with the law or making miserable relationship choices, it’s easy to focus too much on the troubling situations, letting the potential consequences become the driving concern of your prayers. But that’s like attacking the symptoms rather than the “disease,” which is separation from Jesus. God could use an addiction, jail time, or a broken heart to bring a prodigal home. A sinner is not ultimately damned by his or her behavior; he or she is damned by not seeking forgiveness and healing from the Savior. Pray that your child will be overwhelmed by the compelling truth, stunning beauty, and rightful glory of Jesus.

Here’s my final word: ultimately, our children’s salvation never depended on us; the glorious news that gives us hope is that our prodigals’ return doesn’t depend on us either. God has many ways and many workers to bring his children home to himself, to the truth. It is our right and privilege to pray with hope and expectation while simultaneously allowing God to choose his preferred method to win our kids back (or for the first time).

You’ll never be alone in this battle. You’re partnering with the God of the universe who is more than capable of making up for what we lack, healing what we have hurt, and rebuilding what we have torn down.

(Part of this post is taken from Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls.)

The post From Guilty Parent to Hopeful Parent appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Why Giving too Much Kills Relationships

If you are in a relationship in which you are constantly taking and never giving anything in return…

I’m an expert at killing—plants, that is. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to keep my plants alive. They call it having a black thumb and I have officially self-diagnosed myself as having one. I’m not sure how I ended up with a black thumb, because my mother is a plant expert. Her thumb is greener than all thumbs. She has plants in her house that are probably older than I am.

What ends up happening every time is that I forget to water them. Life is full of other things I need to do, and somehow, those little plants get neglected and ignored. And then they die. Like I said, I’m an expert at killing plants.

Eventually, my husband John came up with a brilliant plan. He did some research and found out that there’s a type of plant that doesn’t actually need much water. It is made to be neglected. It’s called a succulent. John bought me three beautiful succulents to put on our kitchen table.

I loved those succulents. And truth be told, I kept them alive for far longer than I expected. But a few weeks into it, my black thumb kicked into full gear. I started forgetting whether or not I had watered them for the week. Did I water them on Monday? Or was that last Monday? Hmmm. I’m not sure. I can’t remember. Oh well, I’ll just water them to be on the safe side. And so I would water them, even though I could not remember if it was the first or the second time that week. Eventually, I found out that there must have been a few too many “second times,” because my poor succulents’ roots got so moist they rotted. And then, my succulents died. All three of them. If you walk into my kitchen today, you’ll find another large beautiful bowl of succulents. Except when you get close enough, you’ll realize that they’re plastic succulents. Because apparently, that’s about all I can handle. Plants require three things to live: sunlight, oxygen, and water. Too little, and they can’t grow. But too much, and they will die.

THE GIVE-AND-TAKE OF GROWTH

 Like plants, relationships require a pattern of give-and-take in order for them to grow. If you are in a relationship in which you are constantly taking and never giving anything in return, your relationship will eventually stop growing. On the converse, if you are in a relationship in which you are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return, your relationship will soon die. This type of pattern cannot be maintained in nature or in relationships. Healthy relationships have to be made up of just the right amount of giving and taking. Spring is an important season in the four seasons of a relationship , because it is the time to assess the pattern of give-and-take in your closest relationships.

ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIPS

Recently on my Love + Relationships podcast, I was chatting with a young woman struggling with a pattern of one-sided relationships. She was giving, investing, initiating, and interacting—but getting little to nothing in return. “I seem to be doing all the work in my relationships,” she said. I know she’s not alone in this, because I hear from a lot of people who are dealing with similar relationships. One e-mail I received went something like this: “I’ve been involved in this relationship for 5 years, and I’m starting to come to terms with reality that it isn’t much of a relationship at all. I’ve been committed to him, but he hasn’t committed to me.”

One-sided relationships consist of two people, but only one person is doing most of the work. It is an unfortunate problem that even more unfortunately occurs far too often.

Maybe it is the man who has been saying he loves you for years, but is never willing or ready to commit.

Maybe it is that friend who says she wants to be a part of your life, but never asks, never reaches out, and never initiates.

Maybe it is that guy who has been privately texting you for months, but when you see him face-to-face he acts like you don’t exist.

Maybe it is that girlfriend who says she is done with the guys in her past, but can’t seem to keep those boundaries firm and those doors closed.

Maybe it is the boyfriend who wants to keep taking physically, but giving nothing back emotionally.

Maybe it is the spouse who avoids emotional intimacy by investing everything into their ministry or career, neglecting to invest in their closest relationships.

 I could list a hundred examples, and I’m sure you could too. But the bottom line about one-sided relationships is that they are relationships in which one person always seems to be doing all the giving—the forgiving and forgetting, the initiating, the investing, the ignoring, the working through—while the other person seems to be doing all the taking.   

GIVING TOO MUCH

The interesting thing about one-way relationships, is that no matter who is doing the giving or taking, it always takes two people to keep them going. Behind every one-sided relationship there is a person who is giving too much and expecting too little . A person who continues to make excuses. A person who continues to see the relationship for what it could be, rather than what it actually is. A person who is failing to set proper expectations and healthy boundaries.

Some of you are reading this and nodding your head in agreement. But I know there are others of you that are not so sure. “Debra, can you really ‘give too much’ as a Christian? Aren’t we called to love like Jesus? Shouldn’t we give, and give, and give—expecting nothing in return?” For some of you, the idea of setting limits and boundaries in your life is a hard one to grasp. You see love as an unconditional aspect of relationships, and rightly so. But loving someone does not mean allowing them to have a free pass to do what they want, when they want, how they want it, with little to no consequences. Love does not mean that we enable an unhealthy relationship, allowing someone to take advantage of us, hurt us repeatedly, or use and abuse us in the name of “selflessness.”

Far too often, people mistake selflessness with passivity, and it is a costly mistake. But selflessness does not mean ignoring your needs or keeping them to yourself. It doesn’t mean staying silent and expecting others to know what you want or need. And it doesn’t mean holding back, particularly when speaking up could be beneficial to your personal health and the health of your relationship. Healthy relationship s are defined by give-and-take, and being a person who only gives and never takes is living a passive life, not a selfless one. It’s up to you to identify your needs and then express them in a respectful, assertive, and loving way.

Not only is a giving-too-much mentality unhealthy for the giver, it is also unhealthy for the taker. It fuels a pattern of dysfunction in a relationship, rather than calling the relationship, and the people involved in that relationship, to a better place. It enables the taker to continue behaving in a harmful way, without challenging them to get healthy. And just like the plant that received too much water, a relationship with a pattern of give-give-give won’t be able to sustain itself and will eventually die. Healthy relationships have to be made of a pattern of give-and-take. Take inventory of your relationships today and ask yourself if there’s an area where you’re “giving too much”. Ask God to help you set boundaries and limits around your heart, and make 2020 the year of giving-and-receiving.

This article was adapted
from Debra’s newest book, Love In Every Season: The Four Stages of Every Healthy
Relationship and used with permission. To learn more
about the rhythms of healthy relationships, pre-order Love In Every Season today!

DEBRA FILETA is a
Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and
author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates , and Love In Every Season . She’s also
the host of the hotline style Love
+ Relationships Podcast . Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com , reaches
millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her
on Facebook , Instagram , or Twitter or book a session with her today !

The post Why Giving too Much Kills Relationships appeared first on Gary Thomas.

The Bare Marriage Project

I spent my honeymoon night in tears—because sex hurt. A lot.

I had no idea what was wrong with me. It wasn’t supposed to be
this painful! But I was married now, and I believed my husband needed sex and I
had been taught that he wouldn’t feel love without it. So over the next few
years I cried a lot, grit my teeth a lot, and yelled at God for making sex so
hard.

I suffered from something called vaginismus, and, thankfully, with
some help I healed and finally figured out why people like sex! But those first
few years were a trial, and what made it worse was thinking that I was the only
one.

After everything I endured, I became a passionate advocate of
great sex in marriage, and I started a huge research project to figure out the
essential ingredients to great sex. I’ve been writing full-time about sex for
about 7 years, ever since my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was published. And in my
experience talking with Christian women about their marriages and their sex
lives, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

First, the good news. Christians do have better sex than
those who don’t know God. That makes sense. Sex is the ultimate knowing of one
another, and the ultimate expression of intimacy. The more intimate you can be
with each other, the more passionate and wonderful sex will be. When you feel
really committed to your spouse, then, with a shared vision and purpose, and
you’re able to be vulnerable, sex is going to tend to be better. Absolutely.

Now the bad news. While we’re better, it’s not like
we haven’t got some learning to do. In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide, on
a 10-point scale, Christians tend to rate their sex lives 7.36. Others rate it
6.38. While Christians are doing better, it’s not a huge number to brag about.
And 36% of women have never reached orgasm, or very rarely do. In fact, even
1/4 of the women who rated their sex lives as 8-10 actually report not reaching
orgasm, or very rarely reaching orgasm. So they may be enjoying making love to
their husbands, but they’re not experiencing everything God has for them. 

Porn plays a destructive role in almost 50% of Christian
marriages, too. Abuse robs us of joy and spontaneity. Body image issues feed
shame.

And then there’s sexual pain. It’s long been known in medical
journals that conservative Christians suffer from vaginismus and other sexual
pain disorders at higher rates than the world at large. What’s going on?

That’s what I’d like to find out. If we know Christ, we should be
passionate, fulfilled, and intimate. But many of us are not. And I’d like to
figure out why.

To do that, I want to go right to the experts: women themselves. I
want to hear your stories and hear your opinions. 

So I’m conducting what I hope will be the largest and most
extensive survey of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction that’s
ever been done. I’ll turn it into two books in 2021, starting with The Great Sex
Rescue with Baker Books. It’s time to not only look at doctrine and biblical
principles to great sex, but also to look at what real women are actually
experiencing.

Take the survey here.

Can you help? If you’ve ever struggled with sex, and can’t figure
out what all the fuss is about, I need you!

If you’ve had sexual pain, I need you! 

Even if sex has just been mediocre, I need you. You’re the
majority, and you count.

If you’ve been divorced or remarried (perhaps especially if
you’ve been divorced!), I need you. Those whose marriages don’t make it have
lots to teach us about what can go wrong, and I’d like to hear your stories.

But if sex is awesome for you, too, then please fill out
our survey. We want to figure out what’s different about you—what you were
taught; how you grew up; all the different factors that influenced you, so that
we can create some blueprints for couples on how to raise the next generation
to enjoy intimate, passionate marriages, too.

Please, women, be part
of The Bare Marriage Project. Get your voice heard, and help other women
discover the secrets to great sex—and a great marriage. Thank you! 

Sheila Wray Gregoire blogs everyday about sex & marriage at To Love, Honor and
Vacuum, where she’s not afraid to get beyond pat answers to the nitty
gritty of what builds great relationships. She’s the author of 8 books,
including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. Plus she knits. Even in line at the
grocery store. 

The post The Bare Marriage Project appeared first on Gary Thomas.

Walk Away in Ministry

When we started the “Walk Away” series, we highlighted the 41 citations in the Gospels where Jesus walked away from someone or let someone walk away from him. Last week, we looked at numerous examples from the life of Paul.

This week we’re picking up another deleted (for space) chapter excerpt from When to Walk Away to explore how the other apostles took the example and words of Jesus to heart, and how later, throughout church history, leaders have sought to apply them.

Let’s begin with the scathing words of Peter who calls out the toxic people who preyed on the early followers of Christ. He begins by warning his readers “there will be false teachers among you.” And he’s not worried about hurting those feelings: “They are like unreasoning animals, creatures of instinct, born only to be caught and destroyed, and like animals they too will perish. They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done.”  He even refers to them as “blots” and “blemishes” (v. 13).

It’s particularly interesting that in Peter’s view, these toxic teachers were once “among them”: “It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them.”

What this tells us, for our purposes, is that the organized church isn’t always a safe refuge from toxic people. But we knew that already, didn’t we?

Even John, the “apostle of love,” warned Gaius and an entire church to watch out for a specific toxic individual: “I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us. So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us.”

According to Irenaeus, who was discipled by Polycarp (and who, in turn was discipled by none other than the apostle John himself), John so opposed another toxic person, Cerinthus, that if Cerinthus walked into a bathhouse, John ran out. He didn’t even want to be seen to be in the same place. Polycarp said John shouted, “Let us fly, lest even the bath-house fall down, because Cerinthus, the enemy of the truth, is inside!”

Jesus, Paul, Peter and John all understood the concept of a toxic opponent and they all, accordingly, talked about walking (or even running) away.

Following the In the Footsteps of the Apostles

Richard Baxter, a beloved Puritan pastor from the seventeenth century, warned young pastors that when it comes to toxic people, “Your first responsibility is to preserve the church from such people.” Notice, it’s not to “save” the toxic person. It’s to protect the other people from the toxic person’s corruption. He seems to think that “converting” them is a lost cause: “If you try to correct them of their false ways, they will only turn to some other error.”

When I’ve seen ministries try to accommodate toxicity rather than confront it, the head woman or man usually goes. The situation becomes so messy and chaotic that the leader feels she or he has to assume responsibility and resign. Toxic people will murder their boss’ jobs if they’re not dealt with. Baxter understood this: “When a fire is kindled, try to stamp it out from its inception. Do not even allow the smallest spark to blaze before you snuff it out. So go at once to all persons that you suspect of being infected. Counsel with them until you are sure that they have recovered from their bad spirit.”

This is Baxter’s way of saying to walk away from the toxic person, and then invest your time in the reliable people. Spend more time caring for the infected than the infector.

Baxter also suggests, as we have, to not make it a personal vendetta against the toxic people. That just riles them up. “See that you do not preach against them from the pulpit. It is wise not to name them specifically…in general such people will be sensitive, proud, passionate, and rash. They will hate and fly upon you as an enemy and accuse you of un-Christian railing. So instead of naming them, state clearly those truths which fully refute the errors they are teaching. If you do your work effectively, the error will collapse under its own weight.”

Baxter’s final words on the subject are the most difficult to apply. The best way to demonstrate the toxicity of toxic people is to pursue and model the holiness of God ourselves. Instead of becoming fixated on how evil they are, we must set our hearts on who Christ is in us: “Be loath to let the dividers outdo you in the practice of a righteous and holy life, any more than you let them outdo you in sound, diligent teaching. Let us be lovers of all, and especially of all saints. Do good to all as we have power. Let us be more just than they, more merciful, humbler, meeker, and more patient. ‘For this is the will of God that by well-doing we may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men’ (1 Peter 2:15).”

You’re Just One Among Many

When it comes to ministry, I’ve been in maybe a dozen situations in various ministries with people I’d call truly toxic. If you can think of a hundred such people, you might be defining “toxic” too broadly. Toxic doesn’t mean merely “difficult” and it certainly doesn’t mean “different.” Toxic is a mean, anti-God (though they may claim to be God’s), controlling and murderous kind of spirit of someone who wants to hurt you and bring you down.

Following my blogpost “Enough is Enough,” a male-oriented blog launched an attack (I actually got attacked from both sides on that one, but that’s another story for another day) where I was likened to female genitalia, ridiculed for being bald (which proves, in their minds, that something is wrong with my head), and even had my sexual orientation questioned. That kind of language—even if their point was correct—has no place in God’s Kingdom, and we can pretty much drown out such drivel without feeling like we need to engage with it.

I fared much better with a more recent toxic person I faced than I did with the prior ones because I was more experienced and had better counsel. In the latter case, two wise brothers told me, “Gary, do not engage him.” This guy was clearly enthralled with everything Paul and Peter tell Christians to shun: anger, rage, slander, malice, filthy language and lying (Colossians 3:8ff.; Ephesians 4:31; 1 Peter 2:1).  

If you’re a leader, you should take action against the toxic person and thus must engage him or her. But if the authority above you doesn’t and it’s not your place to correct it (and if your advice wouldn’t be welcomed), you’re going to have to work around it. Only engage the toxic person when you must and to the extent you must. Keep it professional and pray that God would open the leader’s eyes to the vortex of chaos the toxic person is spreading in the office.

For me, my best defense was praying for the toxic people. It’s what Jesus calls us to do: “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” I prayed that God would convict them. I prayed that they would be so overwhelmed with God’s presence that they’d thirst after love and grace instead of anger and malice. I also prayed that they’d learn how much more satisfying it is to encourage, serve and build up instead of gossip, demean, and tear down. We should all pray for more workers! Jesus asks us to (Luke 10:12). Even better than seeing a toxic person defeated, humiliated and dismantled is to see them transformed into a loving servant of Christ. For the Kingdom’s sake we should hope for one more faithful worker rather than one less enemy.

I’m not advocating that we hate toxic people or stop caring about their souls. Stepping away from them is a strategy, not an act of spite. Walking away isn’t the same as “writing off.” 

I have also prayed, on behalf of the ministries involved, that if the toxic person’s soul remained resistant, God would open up the leader’s eyes to what’s really going on and, for the sake of the work, remove the toxic offender. That’s not a selfish prayer, because if they are attacking you, I guarantee you they’re attacking others. So feel free to pray for the toxic person, “God, please change their heart or change their platform.”

Remember, Paul expressed a rather shocking “wish” for one toxic group when he told the Galatians, “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” There comes a moment when being “nice” to the toxic people is to be cruel to their victims. It’s not gossip or mean-spiritedness to actively warn potential victims that they are being preyed upon.

Here’s what you need to know about the psychology and spirituality of toxic people: they like conflict. It feeds them. And they have a voracious appetite for it. Sin rots the fruit of the Spirit, including self-control. Toxic people feed off increasing conflict, causing more trouble, and attacking more victims. They get a taste and become more rabid. They live for division in the same way a true believer delights in peace.

Engaging them only riles them up and puts their focus on you. What I’ve found is that when you stop playing along, when you’re willing to walk away, they have to find another victim. They can’t stop being toxic, so they’ll find someone else to engage. I guarantee you this: if you’re being assaulted by a toxic person, you are not the first victim. There are probably dozens. One woman who I had to block on Twitter bragged on Facebook about how many ministries and “well-known” Christians had blocked her. It was a point of pride to her.

It might sound selfish to suggest that you should let them go attack someone else, but the fact that they are attacking others isn’t your fault. You’re not forcing them to attack, and it’s not like they’ll stop attacking others if they can also attack you. It doesn’t work that way. You might merely serve as their dessert. By walking away, you’re just being faithful and focused on fulfilling the important work God has called you to do. And it’s just possible that your walking away may be one way they learn they have to eventually change their ways. Allender and Longman counsel, “One of the greatest gifts one can give a person inclined to evil is the strength to frustrate their attempts to dominate.”

As far as it depends on you, don’t let toxicity succeed. Confront it when you can if you’re the leader. Walk away when you must. But don’t let it take you down. The more you understand the psychology and spiritual bent of a toxic person, the quicker you’ll be to disengage and, by your silence, let them move on to someone else. Just like Jesus, Paul, Peter and John, learn how to play defense and walk away.

[1] The New International Version. (2011). (2 Pe 2:1). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[2] The New International Version. (2011). (2 Pe 2:12–13). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[3] The New International Version. (2011). (2 Pe 2:21). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[4] The New International Version. (2011). (3 Jn 9–10). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[5] The New International Version. (2011). (Lk 6:28). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[6] The New International Version. (2011). (Ga 5:12). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

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Walk Away Paul

The apostle Paul was about as zealous as any person has ever been in spreading the message of Jesus, but when he faced stubborn resistance, he did what Jesus did: he walked away.

He didn’t run away at the first sign of resistance. He reasoned and pled with many inquirers. He even seems to put up with toxic people for a while. But usually, when the situation became abusive or clearly pointless, he got out of there.

Let’s just follow Paul’s travelogue, shall we?

In Damascus, Paul’s opponents were so vigilant to kill him that the church had to get creative in order to save his life: “His followers took him by night and lowered him in a basket through an opening in the wall.” Paul’s opponents were determined and clever in their murderous plans. Paul and his followers were more determined and cleverer in finding ways to keep Paul alive.

Paul’s very next stop was Jerusalem, this time working primarily among Grecian Jews. The Grecian Jews couldn’t win the debate so “they tried to kill him. When the believers learned of this, they took him down to Caesarea and sent him off to Tarsus.”

Noticing a pattern yet?

In Pisidian Antioch, Paul demonstrates his passion to find the reliable people he later told Timothy to focus on. From his writings to the Romans, it’s clear that Paul yearned earnestly for his fellow Jews to embrace the Way of Jesus. In fact, he went so far as to say that he’d damn himself if his damnation could result in their salvation. From perhaps the only man who had a front row seat to what life after life is truly like (when he was caught up into the “third heaven”), this is a remarkable statement. Yet even while bearing a passion that burned white hot for his Jewish brothers, when they resisted the message of Jesus Paul was willing to walk away in his pursuit of reliable men: “Then Paul and Barnabas answered them boldly: ‘We had to speak the word of God to you first. Since you reject it and do not consider yourselves worthy of eternal life, we now turn to the Gentiles.’”

Paul didn’t allow personal affinity—who he naturally liked or didn’t like, who he naturally cared for more or less—to impact the focus and extent of his ministry. 

At Iconium, Paul and Barnabas were fierce in their preaching and God confirmed their words with “miraculous signs and wonders.” Yet, ultimately, this “miracle working team” still had to flee: “There was a plot afoot among both Gentiles and Jews, together with their leaders, to mistreat them and stone them. But they found out about it and fled to the Lycaonian cities of Lystra and Derbe…”

Supernatural anointing didn’t excuse them from exercising natural wisdom and walking away from trouble.

Unfortunately, similar trouble followed them into Thessalonica, including angry mobs. Once again, Paul walked away. “As soon as it was night, the believers sent Paul and Silas away to Berea.” Some of the Thessalonians followed Paul to Berea, “agitating the crowds and stirring them up.”

Guess what happened?

“The believers immediately sent Paul to the coast.”

We know that decades later Paul would willingly die in Rome, but notice that he chose not to offer himself up to death in Thessalonica, Berea, Iconium, Damascus or Jerusalem. In fact Paul, like Jesus, spent a good bit of his life walking away from violent opposition. If you think “anointed” ministry results only in people being changed and not in many people being violently agitated in opposition, you’re placing yourself above both Jesus and Paul.

Paul left other places not just to save his life, but also to save his time. He learned the difference between earnest debate and toxic resistance. After weeks of vigorous discussion with religious leaders in Corinth, Paul felt that enough was enough. In Acts 18:6 we read, “But when they opposed Paul and became abusive, he shook out his clothes in protest and said to them, ‘Your blood be on your own heads! I am innocent of it. From now on I will go to the Gentiles.’”

The same pattern repeated itself in Ephesus: “But some of them became obstinate; they refused to believe and publicly maligned the Way. So Paul left them.”

Paul was there to find reliable followers and future teachers. He was patient but not stubborn. If the message was rejected, Paul left to search elsewhere for more accommodating hearts. And notice that when others became abusive, Paul, like Jesus, walked away.

Have Nothing To Do With Them

Paul gives a rather extensive description of toxicity in 2 Timothy 3: “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Timothy 3:2-5).

That’s his description of what we are calling “toxic.” Now, notice what he says next. He doesn’t tell Timothy (a young pastor he is mentoring and teaching to be effective in ministry), “Spend all your time being the hero who can break through to them.” He doesn’t say, “They should be your focus of attention.” No. He’s writing to a young pastor, helping him have the most impact, and here’s what he says:

“Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Tim. 3:5).

In other words, Timothy, walk away. Find the reliable people. Invest your time with them.

Just to be sure that Timothy doesn’t lose something in applying this, Paul explains why it’s not worth his time to intellectually wrestle with such people. “They are the kind who…are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth” (vv. 6-7).

You can teach them all you want. You can provide the very best arguments, so persuasive that all of heaven’s inhabitants will nod their heads in agreement. But these toxic people are “always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.” So you’re wasting your time.

Paul very directly told Timothy to avoid specific evil people: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him…”

Here we have an example of the great apostle specifically telling a young acolyte, “This man is toxic. He hurt me. Watch out for him. Protect yourself from him.”

Paul said things very similar to Titus—as if he goes out of his way to urge young pastors to play “defense.” He describes the “circumcision group” to Titus as “detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.” This isn’t “playing nice.” It’s protecting a fellow worker, a less experienced worker, from toxic people who Paul says must be opposed.

He then tells Titus to give what we’re calling toxic people a chance—but not too many chances. “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.”

Stay Away

Paul didn’t just tell individuals—Timothy and Titus—to avoid toxic people. He also told an entire church (in Rome) to do the same: “I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I rejoice because of you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.”

Notice the same language: “Keep away from them.” This is a gracious, insightful explanation of the need to be thoughtful about how we interact with toxic people. This reveals Paul’s pastoral heart. Paul doesn’t place the mantle or expectation on everyday believers to break through to toxic people. He’s more concerned about losing the believers. He’s not willing to sacrifice daughters and sons of the faith who might be destroyed by toxic opposition. So he tells the church, “Best to just stay away.”

In his commentary on Romans, N.T. Wright explains “Shrewdness without innocence becomes serpentine; innocence without shrewdness becomes naiveté. The laudable desire to think well of everyone needs to be tempered with the recognition that some are indeed out for their own ends and are merely giving the appearance of friendliness and piety by their skill at smooth talking. Unless this is spotted early on and confronted, trouble is stored up for later, as an untreated sore is allowed to fester.”

Paul “commands” (his word) the Thessalonians to “keep away” from “disruptive” people (2 Thess. 3:6) and later built on this practice with these words: “Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed.” Paul tells us the Thessalonians to “walk away” for the sake of the toxic person, hoping that will eventually bring the offending brother or sister back.

Paul also warned the Philippians, “Watch out for those dogs, those evildoers, those mutilators of the flesh.”

While urging us to be active in love and even sacrificial in love (i.e., to play vigorous offense), Paul understood we live in an evil world and also need to occasionally play defense. There are so many glorious passages from Paul’s pen about the need to love like Jesus taught us to, but Paul also urged the early church to be careful and watch out for toxic people. It’s easy to understand why. The last word you’d use to describe Paul is naïve.  Five different times Paul received the vicious “forty lashes minus one.” Each lash was engineered to literally rip away a bit of flesh from the person’s back. Each lash left a mark. Count it up and Paul’s back bore 195 scars.  When a Roman soldier took Paul’s shirt off to beat him for the fifth time, there wasn’t a single “clean” spot on Paul’s back to hit. The soldier would re-open scars with every lash.

A man like Paul who lives with a back like that could never forget we live in an evil world with toxic people. And it makes sense that he would want to protect his followers, as much as they could be protected, telling them to be on their guard and to walk away.

[1] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 9:24–25). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[2] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 9:29–30). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[3] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 13:46). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[4] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 14:5–6). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[5] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 17:10). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[6] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 17:13–14). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[7] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 18:6). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[8] The New International Version. (2011). (Ac 19:9). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[9] The New International Version. (2011). (2 Ti 4:14–15). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[10] The New International Version. (2011). (Tt 1:16). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[11] The New International Version. (2011). (Tt 3:10–11). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[12] The New International Version. (2011). (Ro 16:17–19). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[13] The New International Version. (2011). (2 Th 3:14). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[14] The New International Version. (2011). (Php 3:2). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[i] C.f. Romans 9:1-3.

[ii] C.f. 2 Corinthians 12:1-10.

[iii] N.T. Wright, (Romans, pg. 767).

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Turning a Wonderful Tool for Intimacy into a Weapon of Accusation

I
like giving and receiving gifts.

My
wife Lisa doesn’t.

In
my young stupid pride, I used to double down on gift giving opportunities, find
something really creative to give to Lisa, perhaps a bit too expensive for our
current budget and Lisa would be touched and moved but feel guilty that I was (in her words) “better” at giving gifts
than she was.

Some
things don’t change. Just prior to our 34th wedding anniversary I
found something I thought Lisa would appreciate. When she saw the wrapped box
on our table the morning of our anniversary, I noticed that insecure look on
her face.

“We’re
getting each other gifts this year?” she asked.

“Well,
it’s our anniversary.”

“But
I thought that furniture we bought was supposed to be our gift to each other.”

We
had made such an agreement many years ago, when money was tight. I didn’t
realize it had a future clause—that every time we bought furniture in the
future, we were writing off Valentine’s Day and Anniversary presents for that
calendar year.

For
some years, I resented this a bit. Why couldn’t she try a little harder,
particularly if that was one of my love languages? But it wasn’t just Lisa.
Made in her image, my kids follow suit. Father’s Day isn’t something I usually
look forward to; I try to steel myself in anticipation of an obligatory phone
call.

Here’s
how I’ve resolved this: I don’t want it to be a burden for my wife or kids to
love me. I want it to be a joy. If I resent that they don’t recognize a “love
language” (or whatever description you want to use), I’m souring our
relationship with what will feel to them like a burdensome obligation. And when
they do something for me out of an obligation, I’m not going to feel loved
anyway.

Love
languages are great as tools to demonstrate
love, but they can sour the relationship if they become expectations that demand love.

Ask
yourself, do you want loving you to be a burden or a blessing?

Fast
forward to Christmas. Lisa and I were thrilled that all our children would be
in town. We squeezed in a vacation just days before they arrived, so the
preparation was going to be especially tight with most of the burden falling on
my wife. We also had to finish shopping for our kids.

The
best gift I could give my wife this
past Christmas was to say, “let’s not do gifts for each other this year” so
that’s what we did. Seeing the relief on her face was proof of the burden this
is on her.

I
love The Five Love Languages (which I didn’t write, though I get
thanked for doing so all the time since Gary Chapman and I share the same first
name) because it is one of the most practical books on the market for the
“nuts and bolts” of demonstrating love. Just don’t let the five love languages
become about demanding love. When people do that (and I’ve worked with
several couples who have) a great tool for intimacy becomes a weapon of
accusation. That’s not Chapman’s intent and it’s an abuse of an otherwise
very good book.

This
week, let’s do an attitude check:

Do we want to be remembered as the type of
spouse who was always sitting back and waiting for their husband or wife to fail
them yet again? Do you take more satisfaction in being proved
right that you’re being taken for granted again than you do in finding
creative ways to express love yourself? Do you want it to be a joy for a person to love
you, or do you want marriage to you to feel like a continual contest, with your
spouse always on the verge of falling short?

Since
I’ve already mentioned one book I like, let me mention another: Linda Dillow’s What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? Linda
wrote the book for women, but the question embedded in the title is worth the
price of the book itself. It’s a healthy exercise: take a step back over the
coming week and ask yourself, “What is
it like to be married to me? Is it a joy, or is it a burden?”

The post Turning a Wonderful Tool for Intimacy into a Weapon of Accusation appeared first on Gary Thomas.

She Married Him Anyway

A recent news article caught my eye: a would-be bride caught her soon-to-be husband sexually assaulting an inebriated bridesmaid the day before the wedding. What astonished me even more was the last sentence of the article: friends of the couple “confirmed” that the ceremony went on as planned…

My heart rejoices at the healing and mutual support that a wise marriage brings. I love officiating at weddings and attending weddings of young people and those who are getting a new chance at love later in life. But when I hear that a would-be bride sees such monstrous behavior and still walks down the aisle, I can only imagine what a lifetime of horror lies ahead.

Admittedly, this couple’s case is extreme, but I recently received another email that began (paraphrasing), “I wrote to you several years ago and you warned me of several red flags in my relationship. Against your advice, I went ahead and got married and now I need your help as to what to do next.”

These news reports and these kinds of emails makes me want to re-post a past article this week, just to keep it fresh.

 

Please Don’t Marry Him

My heart is grieving.

I’ve received several Facebook messages from women who asked my advice about a dysfunctional dating relationship when The Sacred Search first came out several years ago. Each one noticed several “red flags” in their dating relationship and asked me if I thought they should be concerned.

In every case, the answer was a clear “YES!”

“Thank you so much,” was the typical reply, and then they went silent.

Now I’m getting a second round of Facebook messages, and since Facebook brings up the previous correspondence, I’m reminded of prior conversations.

It breaks my heart. Let me paraphrase a few:

“He said he was sorry, we ended up getting married, and now I’m the only one who seems to care about our relationship.”

“I’m doing everything I can to save my marriage, but he refuses to see a counselor.”

“You were right. He’s a sex addict.”

“I guess now I should have listened. Turns out he’s gay.”

Let me state this as clearly and as forcefully as I can: A dysfunctional dating relationship sealed by marriage doesn’t make any problems go away; it simply cements you in a dysfunctional marriage.

Marriage won’t improve your man. Marriage won’t change your man. (The same is true of a woman, of course.) Marriage simply weds you to your partner’s problems.

When you raise a significant issue in dating and the man or woman responds by crying and saying they’re sorry, nothing has changed. They’ve been caught, they don’t want to lose you, but it doesn’t mean they will repent. It doesn’t mean their character will improve. It just means they cried.

That’s it.

Give them a Kleenex, but don’t give them a ring—at least not until you see substantive, long-term change.

If you don’t witness character transformation before marriage, you’re foolish to expect it after marriage. A mature person—the kind you want to marry—is always growing and always open to biblically based conviction. He or she walks in grace, so they humbly realize they’re not perfect and will not be overly defensive when a loved one points something out with gentleness and understanding.

If this dynamic isn’t true in dating, it won’t be true in marriage.

Never marry someone hoping they will change. Marry someone because they already have changed.

One woman told me she couldn’t bear to “just give up on four years of my life.” Now she may be headed for divorce and will have to give up seven years of her life. (I don’t look at it that way, but she does.)

Another woman thought marriage would “solve” the sexual issues her potential husband struggled with. Sadly, it didn’t. It almost never does. It just exposed them for what they really were.

I take no pleasure in saying, “I told you so.” None. And I’d never put it like that anyway. This post is for single men and women who, deep down, know there are serious issues with the person they are dating, but who are too afraid to admit it or act on it.

Your fear of breaking off the relationship should be obliterated by the fear of making a foolish marital choice, which is far, far worse.

Trust in God. “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” (Psalm 9:10)

He can help you have the difficult conversation. He can soothe the heartache. He can lead you into the “green pastures” of a mature, healthy relationship—but not if you stay stuck in the barren desert of a dysfunctional relationship.

My wife and I have a single friend who is a godly, strong, and gifted woman. She’s overheard some of the conversations (without identifying details, of course) and recently told us, “Hearing these stories makes me feel a whole lot better about my situation.”

It truly is better to be a little frustrated in your singleness (if, in fact, you are frustrated at all) than to think a dysfunctional marriage to a dysfunctional man or woman would be better because at least you’d be married.

Legions of men and women, miserable in their brand new dysfunctional marriages, would disagree with you.

Please, please, please: marry an emotionally aware, relationally gifted believer who is humble, spiritually alive, and sexually whole. If you compromise on any of these, you will have a long time to regret it.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to disable messages on my author page because I just can’t keep up—and the advice wasn’t often heeded, anyway. It was used for singles to vent their frustrations, but all that did was make them feel momentarily better so they could continue in an unhealthy relationship.

Anything I’d say to these people, I’ve poured into The Sacred Search, so I’ll point you there. A good marriage is a wonderful, beautiful experience—the gift that keeps on giving. But marriage to a toxic person can rip you up emotionally and spiritually. Please don’t run through the red lights and ignore the red flags—turn around and walk away from a destructive dating relationship.

The post She Married Him Anyway appeared first on Gary Thomas.