Jon Acuff's Blog, page 79

Surviving church as a single.

We are mere days away from Valentine’s Day and I must share a brief confession.

Single adults, I have failed you.

Although I’ve written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I’ve never really done that topic justice.

So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the “get married right this second” friends to the “this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that’s enough in common to fall in love” friends, it’s all here.

And I can’t take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point-based scorecard.

Ready to play?



The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn’t have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s combined with the college ministry, which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: “My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a freshman!”

Single: “My 401K is underperforming.” = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers who refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world’s most backhanded compliment: “I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.” = +1 point

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love, you’ll find it.” +2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

9. When people introduce you, they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan, and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

10. Your friends who have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can’t give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, and things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you’ll never get married. = -2 points

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = – 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors,” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church, they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I’ve said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you’re too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person who leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, “Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.” = +2 points for each time it wasn’t sincere encouragement.

27. You didn’t know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because “you’re in a relationship already.” = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, “I’ll be praying that this is the one!” = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that, until you get married too, you can’t be close again. Because you just don’t understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four-week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, “And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married.” = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to “not going to church today” after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the “Paul was never married” card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she’s available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You’ve ever said the rhyme, “I’m a bachelor til’ the rapture.” = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people who are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. Your friend says that creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You’ve developed highly sensitive, “They’re about to throw the bouquet” radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you’re “single,” your friends describe you as “not married yet.” = +2 points

How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren’t on that list?

Singles of the world unite, post your score proudly, and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.

(This is a classic SCL post from a few years ago.)

Guessing the next fill in the blank during a sermon.

Have you ever tried to guess what the fill in the blanks are going to say during a sermon? Well not you, but some sweaty Philistine sitting near you. Someone who doesn’t possess the moral fortitude you do. Which is massive, by the way.

But the truth is, I do try to guess sometimes. I blame video games, like Contra. They’ve honed my reflexes to a razor sharp edge. I am unstoppable. And when I see that empty blank just staring up at me, I feel challenged. Like it’s whispering, “I dare you. I double dog dare you to guess what goes here. Is it ‘grace’? Is it ‘mercy’? You ready to play? Let’s do this thing!”

And then you do, and you completely get it wrong and end up with a bulletin like I had a few months ago. Am I the only one who does this?

 

Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Aaron Summers. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @aaronwsummers. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?

I was recently preaching on the 7 churches in Revelation. So many times, the people had a lot of head knowledge, but they didn’t always put that into practice. They were the Jabba the Hut of the church. They were fat and lazy and mean. Though they felt they were doing good, they were actually fueling the evil inside the church.

So I thought, “Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?” Could George Lucas really be a Christian trying to reach a certain demographic? If so, this is far better than the Christian movies I have seen over the years. This has reached epic proportions. Here is how I see the cast playing out:

Luke – You want him to be Jesus, but he is not. Luke is fighting for justice and freedom toward a higher good and goal. He is Paul the Apostle setting up rebel bases all over the universe.

Leia – Always talking about serving the people. Though royalty, she is obviously a deaconess like Phoebe or Lydia. She is loved by Luke and serves the cause well!

Han Solo – The brazen one who often acts and speaks before thinking. This is the Apostle Peter. He is conflicted at times between the Jews and Gentiles but settles in to a leader position.

Chewbacca – The strong silent type, Chewbacca was always with Han. Chewbacca is Silas, who traveled with Paul. They found themselves in jail, much like the trash compactor scene in the original.

Darth Vader – You might think this is Satan, but you would be wrong. He is but a minion in the grasp of the Dark Lord. Vader represents those who oppose the Church: Nero, Domitian, the Pharisees, etc.

Obi Won – He is behind the scenes encouraging Luke to “use the force” and “look within.” Here we see Paul’s amanuensis Luke. He is with Paul, while under house arrest, writing the letters and most likely encouraging Paul to “use the force” also.

Dark Lord – Satan reference here. He is controlling the evil through Darth Vader.

C3PO and R2D2 - Serving their “masters,” these two remind me a lot of Aquilla and Priscilla. They are always in the action but not the main people.

Yoda – An encourager and trainer, much like Barnabus was for Paul.

Who knew that Star Wars was actually about the church?  May the force be with you!

For more great writing from Aaron, check out his blog!

Never give up on your dreams, unless …

Never give up on your dreams. Unless you’re a rhino who wants to be a unicorn. That’s not giving up. That’s refusing to bend to the pressure the media puts on rhinos to be more mythical.

 

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Source: goodbyebabylon.tumblr.com via Jon on Pinterest

 

Montell Jordan & Jesus

Remember Montell Jordan?

He was an R&B guy from the 90s who blew up with the song “This Is How We Do It.” (You should follow him on Twitter @MontellJordan)

Well, a few months ago, I got to grab coffee with him. He works at a church now and is up to some amazing things. I asked him what it was like to walk away from his R&B career. He kind of laughed and read me a letter.

It’s the letter he wrote one Sunday morning sitting in a church pew after God had wrecked him. After crying on the floor, he picked himself up, and typed this into the phone. It’s a powerful letter, and he was kind enough to let me share it with you guys. I’ll let Montell share the story of his redemption in his own words. I hope it’s as encouraging to you as it is to me.

The New Montell – By Montell Jordan

I laid at the alter on tonight, Wed, Aug 25th 2010.

I left my tears, a multitude of them, at the feet of Jesus.

I am uncertain of what is to come, what life will look like following this submission, or how to even move forth after this act of faith… But it has been crucified. Following the message of Christ’s crucifixion that I have heard so many times before, tonight was different.

I have completely decided to entrust God fully with my life, direction, career, or not, provision, ministry, and everything else.

I have conceded that I am weak and incapable of doing his will. He will have to use me. I cannot do this on my own. Without him I will fail. Now

is the time that if “I can do all things thru Christ Jesus who strengthens me” is real, I charge Him to prove it.

I am certain I will look like a failure to some, a has-been to many, and a hypocrite to most; I only hope to look like my Savior to ONE.

I can’t go back, and there’s no purpose in going on if He isn’t going to do it. My flesh man is terrified of the unknown, yet my Spirit man is not

afraid and optimistic all at the same time. At 41 years old, the second half of my life begins tonight. I will write, and tell the story. I will document what God does.

As I type into my phone, now sitting in the second chair, center isle to the right, four rows back, I have limited words. It is difficult to look

into the faces of those around me tonight because I don’t feel the same… Not like my “normal”or “usual” self.

Believe me when I say the cliche’ “what happens next, only God knows!” Yet, this is my reality.

Without even speaking to my wife (who I have caught occasional glimpses of sprawled on the church floor while picking myself up), I am certain

are on one accord in regard to the drastic turn of events that are about to occur. Once again, there’s no need to even begin this journey if God is not gonna get the glory from this. My

son Skyler, 6, is holding me now. He can feel something is different, but I’m certain he doesn’t know what it is… Cause I don’t know either.

God, here I am. I’m not sure exactly where that is, but as long as you’re with me, here am I.

 

3 legit reasons you can unfollow someone in Christian love.

As Christians, once you follow someone online, you’re not supposed to unfollow them.

Pretty sure that’s in Psalms. Message version. Go ahead, Google it.

Regardless, you shouldn’t do it. It’s awkward. It hurts feelings, and it’s not one of the fruits of the spirit. Again, playing a little fast and loose with Scripture. But you show me where the word “Twitter” is in the Bible, and I’ll stop making stuff up.

But there are moments when it’s completely OK to unfollow or unfriend someone on social media. Here they are:

1. They get a puppy.

You will love the first 42 puppy photos. You will hate 43 through infinity. When your friend gets a dog named “Sir Slobberton the 5th,” it’s time to cut them loose.

2. They get a cat.

Don’t even give them a one photo waiting period. Cut them. Cut them fast. The problem is that we’ve all grown so accustomed to the many hilarious cats the Internet has to offer. You know what the average cat isn’t? Hilarious. Your friend’s cat isn’t going to ride an invisible bike, like below. They’re just going to sit there, dominating your Instagram feed with their averageness. Let them go.

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Source: Via Jon on Pinterest

 

3. They get engaged.

No one posts photos online like a newly engaged couple. These two…these two invented love. Hugs, kisses, handwritten notes written in their own tears…it’s a bit much eventually. Drop them unless you can wait until after the wedding. Why? It’s a scientific fact that once someone gets married they take 82% less photos of each other having tickle fights. True story.

That’s it. Those are the three reasons you can unfollow someone in Christian love. Otherwise, if you do, you have to go find them and apologize with an ox. It gets tricky when you mix OT and NT and IT.

Question:

Have you ever unfollowed someone? If so, why?

I wanted to be this guy.

Confession: When I was a teenager, I secretly wanted to be that guy with the blonde hair on the cover of the book below.

My parents gave me this book, because apparently they weren’t convinced I was awesome.

Based on my track record in high school, I’m not sure I ever read the book, but I sure imagined an elaborate conversation on the cover. Here is what I believed that guy with the blonde hair was saying:

“Sure, I mean a lot of people like using The Romans Road when converting fellow teenagers at school, but I invented my own style using some verses from the book of Joel. Did I tell you I have a Jeep? Cause I do. You don’t have to ride on that old youth group van that always breaks down anymore, girl. Not when you’re with Johnny. And I know how to play the acoustic guitar, most predominantly by campfires. This sweatshirt? It’s Champion, but I removed the logo so as not to encourage coveting from other students. I might look older than 15, but that’s just my rugged jawline. I call this ‘Buck Rogers’ hair, by the way. You can touch it if you want, but I wouldn’t because it’s pretty hard to forget.”

I don’t know the author of the book. But if I did, I would ask her if that’s what that guy was telling those people in the photo. Then I’d ask if I could be on the cover of her next book. Then I’d tell her it seems pretty extreme to call the cops just because I imagined one rather long fictional conversation in my head. Then I’d start running through the woods to shake the police. But I’m weird.

Question:

Did you ever have this book as a teen?

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Source: Via Jon on Pinterest

 

Worship Leader Kids.

(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a new one from Lindsey Dobruck.  If you want to write a guest post, here’s how!)

The WLK

I got married last month. I asked my dad to officiate. So a few weeks before the wedding, he paid a small fee to an online organization and became an ordained pastor.

Technically, that makes me a PK (preacher’s kid).

And that’s a lot of responsibility. I’m not entirely sure I can handle it. You see, before joining the ranks as a PK, I was a merely worship leader’s kid. A WLK. The grungier, less holy Breakfast Club of church-leader offspring.

The church requires very little of WLKs because, frankly, they’re so focused on picking on PKs. On the expected-holiness chart, we’re well below the PKs but a few notches above UKs (Ushers’ Kids).

In fact, WLKs are so under-the-radar you might have interacted with one without even realizing. So, on behalf of my fellow WLKs, I’ve created this handy guide so you’ll know how to spot who will be taking over your church’s music ministry—long before we don our first V-neck shirt.

How to Recognize a WLK

1. We Play an Instrument.

As soon as I knew the alphabet, I was seated in front of a piano and taught the chords to David Ruis’s “Sweet Wind.” I filled in for the keyboardist the following week. When my parents needed backup vocals, my siblings and I were at the mic, like a modern von Trapp family.

Because while other kids are learning “You’re A Grand Old Flag” on trombone, WLKs are trained as worship-band understudies. We play guitar, bass, drums, or keyboards, and we rarely, if ever, actually audition to be in the band. We’re built-in “spares.”

Of course, not every WLK is as musically inclined as their parents. I wonder if that’s where sound guys come from.

2. We’re the Worship Band’s Roadies.

We arrive at church at least an hour before the service and leave an hour after, helping our parents lug guitar cases, coil microphone cords, and organize sheet music. Sundays can be grueling for WLKs whose parents lead multiple services, so you’ll usually find us hanging backstage, in the sound booth, or at Starbucks during the second service, instead of attending children’s church. But it’s not necessarily “all work and no play”—we get first dibs on donuts in the morning, and we’re the only kids allowed to mess with the drum set.

3. We’re Slightly Less Polished than PKs.

When a PK gets a tattoo, it’s rebellion. But a WLK? Expected. When we’re ditching Sunday school to grab McFlurries during the second service, it’s OK—our florescent-colored hair is distracting anyway. When we confess to our parents that we’ve quit school to pursue a career in music, they sigh with relief and the optimism that their child might become the next Chris Tomlin.

4. We Judge Other Worship Teams.

I don’t mean we actually judge the band, but—well, OK, we do. We’re the worst. When a WLK is visiting another church or looking to join a new congregation, we’re like a little Simon Cowell in the back pew. We notice if the rhythm guitarist is playing a Gibson versus a Martin versus a Taylor. (It should be noted that, in many cases, our parents have graced us with one of these names.) We wonder why the female lead didn’t echo in the second verse, and why she chose the lower harmony during the chorus. We hear a new song and feverishly scribble the lyrics into our Moleskin notebooks, intending to YouTube it for our parents, who will play it the following Sunday. And, more often than not, we’ll recognize someone in the band who has played with our parents or loaned them their studio.

WLKs enjoy and embrace our musical elitism, backstage access, and “underground” status in the church. But ultimately, we do place a high priority on worship. We consider it an amazing privilege to create music for our God. Not to mention we’re usually our parents’ number-one fans.

So sing it back. Can you spot your church’s WLK?

Did I leave anything out?

So much nerd.

I love this. Fly back to Twitter.

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Source: Via Jon on Pinterest

 

Am I the only one who sees this?

Is it me, or is Abe Lincoln about to break into Gangnam Style on the Illinois state quarter?

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Source: zazzle.com via Jon on Pinterest