Jon Acuff's Blog, page 75

Global warming & Miley Cyrus’ navel ring

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one from Pam Lyon.  You can check out her blog here.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Global Warming:

Are we doing it? Is God doing it?

At the end of the day, I think there is one thing we can all agree on:

I don’t want to drive a Prius to save the world because it is shaped like a suppository.

Also, if there is a rapture and I’m left behind, I don’t want to be in a smart car when that guy’s empty Hummer crashes into me.

Is it wrong that I’m not worked up about global warming? Perhaps. I’m not worked up about much that happens outside of my own family. I think that’s what you call “self-centered.” I should be more “outward focused,” but I just can’t work up enough energy to start a fight with people I don’t know.

Global warming? I’m always cold anyway. Bring it on.

There is one place I find myself potentially becoming a crazy picket line lady: the grocery store magazine rack. I know it is probably because my children have reached the eye level of Miley Cyrus’ navel ring on a magazine cover. So, really, I guess I’m still being self-centered.

I heard on the radio that children are sponges (we’ve all heard that before). However, I heard an argument for explaining certain things to your children, so that you are the one who fills their sponge. Then later, when they hear from classmates about sex, etc., any false or skewed information sort of rolls off their sponge.

I liked that idea, until my seven-year-old daughter stood in front of the grocery store magazine rack with an alluring woman on the front and asked me what “sexy” meant. How do you explain that one?

I explained that “sexy” is for marriage. It’s sort of a “Come hither,” look. (You should always define one confusing word with more confusing words).

“What does ‘come hither’ mean?”

“‘Come hither’ means ‘Come over here for something special…some…some…Mike & Ikes.”

“Why would she share her Mike & Ikes?”

“She shouldn’t–unless she gets married.”

“You have to share your Mike & Ikes when you get married?”  “Yes, but it’s okay. You want to by then.”

“But what if you don’t feel like it?”

“You often don’t. Sometimes you’re too tired and—”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m never sharing my Mike & Ikes.”

“Good. Don’t.”

“I’m never getting married.”

“Then don’t give any of those ‘sexy’ looks, or someone might want to share your candy.”

“Agreed.”

Sponge filled.

But “sexy” is everywhere, and on EVERY magazine cover. Okay, not Cat Fancy or American Quilt, but who could notice those when everyone else is trying to give away their Mike & Ikes?

I have not seen the earliest issues of Playboy, but I have this feeling they were tamer than what we see on the grocery store rack. What I especially hate right now are the covers where the women always look as if they are in the process of taking their clothes off…in a graceful way. The sporty girl in the wet suit top has her fingers hooked on the hem of the top as if she’s about to ease it up and over her head.

Have you worn a wet suit? I know that, as soon as they snapped her photo, two burly women had to help her get out of that tight shirt with the tiny neck hole, leaving her head temporarily shaped like a newborn’s. They should show that part. That would cool our jets.

Or consider the models who always have their thumb hooked into their waistband easing it down just a bit…

“Why is she doing that, Mommy?”

“Maybe she had a big lunch. You know how Pappaw always tugs on his pants after dinner? Oh, see look. She did. She had a Triscuit. I can see the corner poking out in her waist. Wow, there just wasn’t room for an entire Triscuit in there.”

We’re a little out of control. I just want everyone to simmer down. I want us to quit giving out our Mike & Ikes so easily or at least appearing as if we want to.

Let’s wait until we get married to invite people hither.  By the time we get hither, we won’t be so concerned about how good one person’s Mike & Ikes are compared to another person’s. We’ll just be pleased to be part of the whole transaction.

For more great writing from Pam, check out her blog!

Jesus was an Avenger?

This is a silly photo. But I can appreciate one thing; They left out Hawkeye and the Black Widow in this photo. Which is how I believe Jesus himself would have wanted it.

Hawkeye’s not that bad. But, as I’ve said before, the idea of pairing a pistol-carrying superhero next to a Norse god and a radiation-generated super monster is ludicrous. “What’s that you say? Alien horde threatening to take over the planet? Don’t worry, I have six bullets in my gun. We’ll be fine.”

Who knew that all along Jesus was an Avenger?

You don’t have to attend choir practice.

A Jesus Juke is a phrase I came up with to describe that moment when you’re talking about something normal and someone tries to juke in some Jesus out of nowhere. The first one recorded in history is when I saw a guy next to me at the airport doing pushups in the terminal and someone said, “Don’t you wish we were all this disciplined with our Bible reading.”

Since then, I’ve seen hundreds. When folks say they are excited about the Super Bowl, we Christians say, “Don’t you wish people were as excited about church on Sunday?” As if it’s impossible to both enjoy football and Jesus in the same life.

I thought I had seen every Juke possible … until I checked my email.

This is a page of a bulletin, in which someone essentially says, “You don’t have to attend choir practice, but then Jesus didn’t have to die on the cross for us either, did he?” The idea of comparing choir practice to Christ dying on the cross for us is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.

This isn’t the typical Serious Wednesday where I inevitably write about the Prodigal Son story. Let’s be honest, I’ve written about that a million times, but this really is serious. You and I need to be the generation to completely end the practice of Jesus Jukes. We can be the change. I know we can!

I believe in us.

How do you know you live in the south?

McDonald’s paints this on their windows.

St. Francis goes jogging.

I’m almost positive that jogging was what St. Francis was talking about when he said the below statement. This is ultimately a statement about working your core. Like a boss.

In fact, those are his legs. Lot of people don’t know how good of shape that dude was in. Like the wind. They called him “the Assisi Gazelle.”

He had a gospel-based running club called “God on sod.” They ran and shouted the Old Testament at people they passed.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Bragging about our lack of dating experience

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one from Kristin Cummings.  You can check out her blog here.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Bragging about our lack of dating experience

When I was 22, I remember wondering if turning 30 and having ‘never been kissed’ was still considered cute.

I was seriously worried about it because, at least in my mind, I was well on my way there. Sweet 16 and kiss-less was cute. Maybe even being a college student and saving that smooch for someone special was still sweet. But I was a working college graduate and still a member of the exclusive ‘never been kissed’ club.

Let me explain. I wasn’t Amish or even from an ultra-conservative family. I was just a typical youth group kid when it suddenly became a fad to “kiss dating goodbye.” So I did. Forget the fact that I wore baggy Christian t-shirts (Abreadcrumb & Fish anyone?) and tucked my pants into my socks. That’s irrelevant. I wasn’t dating because I found out it was against the Bible.

This is not the typical type of high school club. While we secretly hoped to meet a spouse who had also decided to “date differently,” we would use our group gatherings as an opportunity to brag on our non-dating stats. For those of you who weren’t invited (or who had enough social grace to stay away), let me share some of the ways you could earn points:

“I’ve never had a real boyfriend”

“I’ve never been kissed”

“I only go on group or chaperoned dates”

“I broke up with him because God told me to, so now I’ve been single for 6 months”

I’m sure we didn’t mean to brag, but we had worked hard on our non-dating game, and we wanted to share it with the only people in the world who understood. And really, what’s wrong with that?

If you’re new to the non-dating scene, allow me to translate a typical “accountability” meeting for better understanding:

“I’ve never had a real boyfriend” (But I’ve been hanging out with this guy, and we’ve been holding hands for a month. We’re just not Facebook official yet, so we don’t lose any points, right?)

“I’ve never been kissed” (But I’ve done a lot of snuggling, and I’m an occasional PDA offender.)

“I only go on group or chaperoned dates” (But after date night is over, my boyfriend and I Skype until 3 a.m.)

“I broke up with him because God told me to” (I never really found him that attractive, but I can’t tell him that. I’ll just blame it on God.)

If you’re looking to join the club, the rules are really pretty simple. Swear off dating. Different clubs have different rules, so you may have to swear off kissing too. And possibly dancing (although the jury’s still out on the Cha Cha Slide). It’s best if you make a “length of time” commitment–say, one year of no dating. Upon completion, you’ll have to reevaluate based on your dating prospects… er, I mean, God’s will.

Then, just go out and don’t date! You’ll have to discuss club rules on things like hand-holding and being besties with someone of the opposite sex. But at least you have a good starting point if you decide to join the club!

Have you ever sworn off dating?

For more great writing from Kristin, check out her blog!

Best baptismal ever.

I used to think it would be cool to be baptized in a crick. Not a creek, those are for fancy city folk. I’m talking about a crick. In my head, I imagined gospel singing, sweet tea and some sort of crawfish-type boil. (I am mostly Cajun in my head.)

But then I remembered that cricks are chock full of snakes. So I went the more traditional route and got baptized in a church. Fortunately, though, churches are getting creative with how they do baptisms.

In fact, a few months ago at a church called “Relevant” in Tampa, I saw something I’d never seen before. Below is a photo of it.

That’s right, an above ground pool.

No slide, of course. I’m surprised you even asked. But other than that, it was exactly what it looks like. A big pool.

It was incredibly hard to not go jump into it. The little kid in me wanted to cannonball right in the middle of the sermon.

I could hear it taunting me. “The water is warm. Come on. Who is going to get mad at you? Tell people it was the spirit. Did your inner voice just encourage you to throw the Holy Spirit under the bus? It sure did. But I have faith in you. It would make a great Stuff Christians Like post.”

That last line almost got me, but I’m mature now. I have gray hair and pronounce words correctly and stuff.

So I didn’t.

But it did make me curious. How does your church do baptism? Crick? Pool? Or something else entirely?

4 biggest problems with the Bible TV show.

Next to reading the Bible, what Christians like most is talking about the Bible series on the History Channel. Now that it’s officially over, I think we can safely discuss the 4 biggest problems people had with it.

1. It left out a lot.

It sure did. Do you know how long the audio version of the Bible is? 72 hours. Do you know how long the TV version is? 10 hours. That means there are 62 hours of content missing. I guess what we were trying to tell Mark Burnett, the creator of the show, is that we were really looking for a 36 week long mini-series. Do I get mad when YouTube makes me watch a 30 second commercial before they show me a video? I do. Enraged even, but I would have sat down for 36 weeks in a row. Series was too short.

2. The series wasn’t accurate.

Here’s the weird thing, in every other medium, we all agree on the accuracy of the way the Bible is represented. At this moment in the history of Christianity, when someone releases a book about the Bible we all agree on it. We cheer out loud and say, “Another accurate book about the Bible! Well done!” When someone starts a radio show about God we all agree on it. When Rob Bell releases a video trailer, we all agree on it. We never argue about accuracy, but then this Bible show comes out and we’re all pretty surprised that they didn’t represent the Bible in exactly our understanding of it. Did Burnett hire 40 scholars and theologians to make sure the text was treated with the utmost of care? Sure, but 41 would have done the trick. The series wasn’t accurate.

3. There wasn’t enough Jesus.

Someone told me that the series didn’t do a good job showing that Jesus was the Messiah. Did he answer yes when people asked him if he were the savior? Yes. Did he read the Old Testament and say that the prophecy was now fulfilled? Sure, but I could have used a little more direct Jesus in this script. I’m just saying.

4. Mark Burnett should have done things differently.

Our ability to analyze the soul of someone we’ve never met is phenomenal. Via Twitter nonetheless. But at the end of the day, Mark Burnett should have done things differently. What kind of things? I’m not the one here on trial, I do the critiquing, you do the receiving.

I personally didn’t have any issues with the show. Would I have appreciated more side hugs throughout the series? Sure, but who wouldn’t?

I am thankful for the dialog it created and the heart behind the project. I met Mark Burnett last fall and that dude loves Jesus. Not god, the quiet, distant deity rappers mention in speeches at award shows, I’m talking about Jesus. The savior, the messiah, the hope of the world.

Was the series perfect?

Nope, just like every book that’s ever been written about the bible wasn’t perfect either. But then that’s the beauty of the Bible. Recreating God’s glory is like trying to capture the might of a hurricane with crayons.

Thank you for the series Mark Burnett. I really appreciate the love and creativity you put into it.

They make a good point.

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Source: Via Jon on Pinterest

Apologizing after an April Fool’s Day Prank – The Terror Level Color Coded System

Pranks aren’t by nature unique to Christianity. That I’m aware of, there’s no recorded history of C.S. Lewis pantsing J.R.R. Tolkien. Pranks by themselves don’t really fit the formula of this site, but apologizing after? Serving penance for a church-related prank that went horribly wrong or even horribly right? That’s us through and through.

But the truth is, you don’t need this post today. You should file it away for tomorrow, the day after April Fool’s Day. If you’re going to pull some shenanigans or tom foolery or perhaps even get in a donnybrook, today is your day. Live it up.

But after, when your youth minister or senior pastor or local reporter stumbles upon the prank you have perpetuated, when like Richard Marx you realize “you should have known better” than to fit that many bees into so small a sleeping bag, you’ll be glad this post so clearly laid out the categories of prank apologies based on the terrol level color coded system the United States used to use.

Category 1: Green – Low Risk Prank

Hey look at that, you stuck some forks in someone’s yard, but you didn’t break them off because that felt too mean and unChristlike. And you called a few people from church and hung up on them when they answered the phone. That’s adorable. This barely requires an apology.

Apology Required: Facebook Status Change

Change your Facebook status to something like, “Sorry about the prank. Hope nobody’s feelings got hurt.” Or “Kids will be kids.”

Category 2: Blue – General Risk Prank

That’s not going to grow back. I’m just saying, when you put that much on at once, and mix it with that other thing, wow, you’re leaving a permanent impression. I mean it’s not that big, but neighbors are going to see it for at least the next six months.

Apology Required: Email

You better send the victim an email. Nothing long, just a few lines about your deep regret for your actions and how your immaturity sometimes gets the better of you, and at the end of the day you both love Jesus, so no hard feelings.

Category 3: Yellow – Significant Risk Prank

Elders are kind of like elephants. They never forget, and I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t going to. Where do you even get those? They’re just so fast and jumpy. I’m assuming you know a guy that knows a guy, but is there any chance that guy knows a guy who can get them out of the elder’s house? It’s not going to be easy because they seem so motivated and reproductive, but maybe we could smoke them out?

Apology Required: Phone Call

Forget the Internet. You’ve entered into real apology time now. Pick up the phone and be ready to outline what you did, as well as the three things you learned from this tragic mistake of a prank you pulled. (If you can’t think of three things, feel free to use one of my go-to lines when I’ve bombed, “Turns out I’m dumb.” I keep learning that lesson, and it’s always a nice way to round out a list.)

Category 4: Orange – High Risk Prank

Yeah, but you knew it was the senior pastor’s house right? I’ve got to assume you did because even the youth minister was in on this one. On a positive note, at least we know the fire department can find his house. And their response time, wow! Very impressive. I told you that was highly flammable, but to hear the fire chief use the phrase “river of lava,” wow. You’re going to need to get a paper route to pay this one back or raise money online or hold a car wash at Chick-fil-A.

Apology Required: Face to Face

This goes beyond a simple phone call. You might need to hand write a note, call ahead to set up the official apology, and then bring over some sort of casserole. This apology is going to be as complicated as the prank was. The general rule for a face-to-face apology is you have to spend three minutes apologizing for every one minute you spent pulling off the prank. So if it took you 30 minutes to do the prank, expect 90 minutes of “sorry” in your future.

Category 5: Red – Severe Risk Prank

The community will heal. I mean we’re a very resilient group of people. We’ve faced hardship before and this, that thing you did to all of us in one fell swoop, we’ll get through that. And the cats will come back someday. They are a proud animal and probably left out of embarrassment more than anything else. They’ll come back. I know they will.

Apology Required: Speech to the Church Congregation

May God have mercy on your soul if you ever have to apologize to the whole congregation from the pulpit. I’ve never had to do this, but if you find yourself in this position, whatever you do, don’t take questions from the crowd. Don’t open the meeting up to Q&A. You are going to come out on the losing end of this one. And I’m not telling you to fake cry, but you might want to fake cry.

Hopefully, this list will make April 2nd easier for all of us that decide to pull a prank on April 1st.

What’s the best prank you ever took part in?

What’s the best prank someone pulled on you?

(This is a throwback post.)