Jon Acuff's Blog, page 77
March 15, 2013
Christian put-down lines
(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Peter McMurray. You can check out his blog here. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Christian put-down lines
Valentine’s Day came around last month and it started me thinking. If there is one thing we Christians don’t like, it is singleness – the one spiritual gift that should come with a receipt so you can exchange it for something that suits you better. And what worse time to be single than Valentine’s Day, when all good Christian couples should be texting, tweeting and instagraming verse from 1 Corinthians 13 to each other (so helpful of Paul to split it into short, tweet-friendly sentences – restricting himself to under 140 characters way before Twitter made it mainstream, so hipster…)
Which is why as a young single Christian guy, I was afraid. The 14th was rapidly approaching and I had no-one to DTR with. But then I found a SCL post of Christian pick-up lines. Armed with these lines, what could possibly go wrong? It was time for me to put the stud back into Bible study.
So I used sermon time to eye up the talent in the pews (top tip – sermons are the best time for spotting holy hot girls – all their attention will be on the preacher, so they won’t notice you checking them out, plus you can use post-sermon prayers to ask for forgiveness for your lust…) and then come the post-service coffee time I was ready to make my moves. Unfortunately I came across something I wasn’t expecting. The Christian put-down line.
When I was expecting to hear responses like “You can be my Boaz any day” I was hearing terrible things. Things like:
When I read in Jeremiah 29:11 that God has good plans for me, and think of you, I feel somewhat cheated
My love for you is purely agape
I see you as more prayer partner than date partner
I have the gift of prophecy, and I have a word for you – celibacy
God promised He has a great plan for me, I don’t see how you could fit in with that
We are brother and sister in Christ, it would be like incest
You need someone with less discernment
I’m not sure our callings are compatible
It’ll take prayer and fasting on your end…mostly fasting
It’s at times like this that you wonder how a girl can claim to be a Christian and yet be so lacking in grace and mercy. What would Jesus do? He ate with prostitutes, tax collectors and a person who betrayed him – all I’m asking is that you go out to lunch with me; I can’t be as bad as that can I?
So unfortunately for now it seems my love life is doomed to remain more Paul than Solomon. Fortunately there are plenty more fish in the sea. I’m just praying I don’t end up with one as large as the one that swallowed Jonah whole.
Guys, have you experienced any similar Christian put-downs? Girls – when asked out with a Christian pick-up line do you use put-downs like those? And if not – want to grab coffee some time?
(No girls were hurt in the writing of this post. My ego on the other hand took a severe beating…)
For more great writing from Peter, check out his blog!
March 14, 2013
Top 7 most surprising moments of the Bible series so far.
I’m a big fan of the new TV series that the History Channel is running about the Bible.
I saw Mark Burnett, creator of Survivor, speak about it at Catalyst, and he really loves the Lord. If you haven’t watched it yet, I suggest you do. (And if you are watching it, follow me on Twitter for live tweets about the show.)
Only two episodes have aired, but there have been a fair amount of surprises so far.
Here are the top 7 most surprising moments of the Bible series so far.
1. The angels are ninjas and look like Jet Li.
Didn’t see that coming, but boy can they fight. At one point I am almost positive that one of them threw a Chinese star at someone in Sodom.
2. Joseph didn’t make the movie.
If you’re any other character in the Bible, you’re probably thinking, “Finally.” How much love does that guy get, right? I mean come on, he got a world famous play, a special coat, and there’s gotta to be a Veggie Tales story.
3. David got interrupted by Nathan while he was watching Bathsheba bathe.
Awkward.
4. Samson had dreads.
Who knew? All these years I had it wrong. Samson had dreads and smashed people like an outside linebacker. Just picking them up over his back and throwing. With his dreads a swinging. My friend Propoganda, who has dreads, says he always suspected that was Samson’s haircut.
5. David danced.
I thought for sure they would have edited this out in order to placate the people who wouldn’t let me dance at my wedding. But they didn’t. Well done Mark Burnett. I am a fan.
6. Saul, not that handsome.
This is according to my wife. I’m not sure what she was expecting, probably like a taller Brad Pitt or something, but the guy they had was not Bradley Cooperish enough.
7. Noah? Scottish.
I’m not sure if he had a kilt on the ark, but he could have.
Those are my favorite moments so far. What are yours?
March 13, 2013
God’s love letter to artists.
Like a lot of things on this site, you’ll probably never hear someone deem something, “good enough for the church.” But if you’ve spent any amount of time in the church, chances are you’ve bumped up against this. One of the top worship leaders in the country drove this home for me when he recently said the reason people liked his work was that he was “from the recording industry and had never believed something was good enough for the church.”
I think this happens for a number of reasons. Sometimes it is financial. Not everyone has the budget of a megachurch. So they’ll ask for the “ministry rate” when it comes to work. But often that means, “we’d like your B quality work.” Sometimes it’s a matter of resources. If volunteers are tithing their time, it’s hard to do a massive musical with just 10% of someone’s commitment. Other times it’s a product of having the right person in the wrong ministry. Like the example I gave in an earlier post about the church that didn’t want to hurt the unskilled guitar player’s feelings so they just kept turning his speaker down lower and lower. Sometimes we misinterpret our gifts and end up serving in a way we’re not supposed to.
Those are all symptoms, though, and don’t get at the core issue. (Core issue is such a counseling term.) At the heart of it, the reason the church is not known as being a global leader in creativity and excellence is pretty simple. We missed God’s love letter to artists.
I missed it about a dozen times myself. But while doing a two-year walk through of a one year read the whole Bible study plan, I stumbled upon it in Exodus.
There are two parts and both are pretty subtle, though I’ve written about them before. The first takes place in Exodus 30 and 31. In 30, God anoints Aaron and consecrates the priests. It’s a big deal, with fragrant spices, sacred oil and a sense of the holy that is almost tangible through the pages. And after it’s over, do you know who God focuses on next? Do you know who comes second? The artists.
I had to read that a few times until I believed. There in the desert, as God establishes His people, as He sets into motion His very heart, the artists fall directly after the priests. Maybe that’s mind-blowing only to me, but I find that stunning. Of all the professions, of all the people in the desert, it is the artists He speaks to next. Is there a more beautiful reflection of the importance He places on art and creativity?
We’ve made God military in a lot of our culture. We march in God’s army. We have men’s groups that are based on battle, but He doesn’t focus on the warriors after the priests. He doesn’t say the strength and might are most important after Aaron and the priests. He says creativity is.
Here is what 31:3 says:
“and I have filled him (Bezalel) with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts- to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship.”
This is not a cold, boring, vanilla God speaking. This is the first and ultimate patron of the arts sounding a gong for anyone that has a scrap of creativity in them. But I said this love letter to artists has two parts.
The second part continues in chapter 36. As they prepare to build the ark, God issues a call to the artists in the desert. Verse 2 says:
“Then Moses summoned Bezalel and Oholiab and every skilled person to whom the Lord had given ability and who was willing to come and do the work.”
That verse punched me in the stomach. If you read it, you realize there were only two conditions to building the ark as an artist. You had to have the skill and you had to be willing. That means that some people refused the call and sat on their hands in the desert instead. They could have built God’s ark, His temple, but instead chose to sit in the desert and waste their talent.
When I prayed about that, I felt like God told me I had the same opportunity to build his temple every day. I replied, “What are you talking about? You’re crazy.” (He’s big enough for me to say honest things like that.) But then He reminded me that in 1 Corinthians 6:19 it says the body is the temple. He reminded me that every time I use my skills to help someone, I am helping rebuild their temple.
Foof. That’s big. That’s scary. That’s why I am writing today. I’ve sat in the desert for years wasting what meager writing skills I have. I’ve sat in a pile of sand, while the people in my life are broken and hurting, hoping someone will help them rebuild their temple. And I just can’t sit in the desert anymore.
People might stop reading this site tomorrow and disappear. I might not go on tour to churches and conferences and all that in the future. I want to, I really do, but ultimately it’s not about that. It’s about rebuilding temples. And as long as I keep doing that, as long as I keep reading and responding to God’s love letter to artists, everything else is going to take care of itself.
(This is a throwback post.)
March 12, 2013
4 Brilliant Lord of the Rings Jokes.
These all made me laugh. (And are part of my “Tom Bombadil’s Fridge” board on Pinterest. You should follow it.)
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Source: humortrain.com via Jon on Pinterest
March 11, 2013
How to make nobody look you in the eye.
My other blog JonAcuff.com is full of “how to” type posts. You should read that blog. You would find it delightful.
But very rarely do I give “how to” advice on SCL. That changes today.
Here is how to make nobody look you in the eye when you speak at a church.
Ask if they have seen the show Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It’s really that easy. How do I know? Because I tried this and my joke bombed.
I sometimes tell people about Jesus Jukes when I talk. I do this at the beginning of my talk. (A Jesus Juke is when you’re having a normal conversation and someone tries to juke Jesus in out of nowhere.)
Thirty minutes later in my talk, I tell a story about Larry David, the creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I ask the audience if they have seen it. I’d say 99% of the audiences I speak to clap and cheer, acknowledging they have seen it. At which point I say, “I haven’t. It’s on HBO. I’m a Christian. I was too busy journaling. Juke!”
It’s a trap!
But one day, at a church, I tried that joke. I was ready for a big laugh and, when I asked if anyone had seen the show, the place went deathly quiet. No one would make eye contact with me. Nobody said a word. The joke bombed.
I was flustered for a second and then blurted out, “Oh, are we pretending we don’t know HBO exists? I see.”
And then I went on. It wasn’t awkward at all. Not even a little bit.
So there’s a little bit of free wisdom. Want to make sure nobody makes eye contact with you? Mention HBO to a room full of Christians.
March 8, 2013
Over-spiritualizing Self-Deprecation
(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Tim Fall. You can check out his blog here. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Over-spiritualizing Self-Deprecation
Christians have perfected the tortuous over-spiritualizing of self-deprecation. You see it in ministry all the time. Someone tries to pay a sincere compliment to another Christian and gets smacked down faster than a flyweight amateur boxer at a heavyweight MMA title match. The person trying to be an encourager leaves the conversation deflated, and the person who deflected the encouragement with unnecessary and inappropriate self-deprecation gets to feel spiritually superior for having done so.
But here’s how I’d love to see the conversation go sometime:
“That instrumental you played during the offering was wonderful. You are such a gifted pianist.”
“No, it wasn’t me. That was all God.”
“But God did use you and all your talent to bring us that wonderfully worshipful music.”
“Oh, anyone could have done that.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right. Like a little baby could have.”
“No, not a little baby, of course.”
“OK, not a little baby, but like you said anyone could, even someone who has never taken any piano lessons, like me.”
“Well, I’ve been taking lessons all my life.”
“All your life, huh?”
“Yes, and I practice a minimum of 3 hours a day.”
“OK, you practice 3 hours a day …”
“Minimum.”
“… three hours a day minimum, you’ve been taking lessons all your life, and you probably practiced that piece you played today quite a bit too.”
“Of course.
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“About what?”
“That wonderfully worshipful piece you played, the one that you practiced for, that all your lessons and practicing over the years led up to, the one that was so meaningful during the offering … it was nothing special.”
“What do you mean it was nothing special?!”
“Like you said, anyone could have done it.”
For more great writing from Tim, check out his blog!
March 7, 2013
Refusing a bulletin at church.
“I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t.” My wife said, shaking her head as she sat down next to me at church.
“What? What couldn’t you do?” I asked, a little concerned.
“I couldn’t refuse the bulletin. That lady at the door is so nice, but I just wanted to tell her, ‘Nah, I’m good.’” Jenny said.
I laughed.
“I mean, I’m not doing the fill in the blanks and know most of the stuff in it already. I’m just going to put it back in the basket at the end of the service.” She said.
I immediately thought about that Mitch Hedberg joke. He says that when someone hands you a flyer in New York, what they are really saying is, “Here, you throw this away.”
But we’re not throwing our bulletins away. We’re not sweaty Philistines. We love Jesus.
Is there a way to politely shotblock the bulletin if you don’t need it? Can we claim it’s a green thing? Like we’re doing it for the earth and mother nature and Whole Foods and Kale? Is that possible?
Any suggestions?
March 6, 2013
The young goat god.
Someday, I might write a book about the prodigal son story.
Until then, I’ll probably share those ideas on SCL.
And one small, two word idea recently hit me about a part of the story most of us miss.
Usually we focus on the party. The prodigal wrecks his life, returns looking for employment and instead receives a celebration. It is a picture of grace that is difficult to ignore, but in the shadows the older brother lurks.
He is the Pharisee, the grumbling cynic enraged at the party.
In his anger, he says something to the God figure in the story. Through gritted teeth, he proclaims to his father:
‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.’
Isn’t that odd? It’s almost like he doesn’t know the father at all. Is there any doubt that this is not the first exuberant party the father has thrown? This is surely not his first expression of wild joy on the farm. Someone who is miserly his whole life does not respond to a ruined son with a lavish celebration. No, this father was a picture of grace, not just a momentary flash of it in this story.
But to the older brother, he was clearly a stranger. You can see that in the meager thing the older brother asked for. He doesn’t say, “You never gave me a wild party!” He doesn’t say, “You never gave me a robe and the best calf!” No, his small request reveals how small is father is. He says, “You never gave me even a young goat.”
His expectation of a party is limited to a young goat. Why? Because he, like many of us, had a young goat god. A god who is forced to love us but doesn’t really like us. A god who delights in withholding, in tallying our wrongs, in asking us to slave away for the hope of a young goat someday.
Is God an ATM machine waiting for your prayers of rubies and thunderstorms of cash? No, of course not. We are here for his glory, not ours. But don’t think for a second that his parties are small, his mercy temporary, his love doled out for performance.
He is not a young goat god.
March 5, 2013
March 4, 2013
The Kickstarter Prayer Request
Let me just say at the onset, I am not making this up.
This happened.
I was there, this isn’t even one of those “A friend of a friend” stories. This was me, with my ears, hearing something I’d never heard before. What was it?
A Kickstarter prayer request.
Not familiar with Kickstarter? It’s a site where you can crowdsource a project. You can raise money to build a well, record an album, write a book, anything really.
And apparently, in addition to Twitter, a good place to name drop your campaign at a prayer meeting.
There I was, minding my own business, looking handsome as usual, listening to the prayer requests. They were all pretty standard fare. Illness, job searches, marriages, etc., but then one person stood and dropped a digital bomb.
He said, “Hey, I’ve got some friends doing a Kickstarter campaign for an album. If you want to support it, the URL is ___________.” Suddenly, I felt like I was in the middle of Tron. What year is this? I’ve heard people reference Facebook in prayers, but never Kickstarter. What’s next Tumblr? Or Pheed?
Are we going to start hashtagging our prayers? “My mom is out of work so if you could pray for her @ladyneedsjob with the hashtag #OuttaWork that would be awesome.”
Maybe in a year from now the idea of praying without a URL will seem old-fashioned and dated. The first step of your prayer request will be registering a URL. You think I jest, but I do not. I do not jest.
If you doubt me, feel free to go on Kickstarter and contribute to the prayer request URL registration site I’m building. It’s called “Heavenly (Web) Host.” You will love it.
