Jon Acuff's Blog, page 60

Thinking you’re naked.

I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, that is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess, instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee, and my younger daugther, realizing the band aid box is open will say, “Yo dad, I’d like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don’t know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let’s pretend that’s hurt.”

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day a few years ago when my then 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t want to wear that band-aid.” She replied.

“Why? You have a cut. You need a band-aid.” I said.

“I’ll look silly,” she answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming by our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But, for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, somehow, this little 5-year-old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

“Who told you that you were silly?”

I didn’t, though. That question didn’t bloom in my head until much later, and I didn’t understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they’ve hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

“Who told you that you were naked?”

There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn’t love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren’t a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren’t worth anything?

Who told you that you’ll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don’t know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people who might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don’t know what lies you’ve been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, “Who told you that you were naked?”

And He’s still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ, we are not worthless.

In Christ, we are not hopeless.

In Christ, we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ, we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 says:

“For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.”

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of who you are or who you’ll always be, but know this:

As unbelievable as it sounds, and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked.

(This is a throw back post that originally appeared on SCL a few years ago.) 

- See more at: http://stuffchristianslike.net/2012/0...

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This is how I want to live my life.

Behold the power of delight.

Of doing something unexpected for someone most people don’t even see.

It’s a late addition, but this might be my favorite thing from 2013.

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33 Fantastical Christian Resolutions!

The new year is upon us.

And with it, new resolutions!

This year, I thought I would help you out by creating:

33 Fantastical Christian Resolutions!

You will not use “love on” as a verb.
You will try your best to ignore typos in the worship music.
You will admit that God probably uses a Mac.
You will wear less skinny jeans, the pockets of which you could not get a tic tac into if you had a crowbar.
You will stop using “Just sayin’” as a “get out of jerk” free card.
You will never, ever interlink digits with a stranger at church if the pastor asks everyone to hold hands in prayer. You’re not at a roller rink doing the couple’s skate to “Tender Roni.”
You will not make married people who don’t have kids feel like they have to have babies tomorrow.
You will not fall in love on a mission trip.
You will admit you sometimes play Candy Crush when you are supposed to be looking up Bible verses on your iPhone during church.
You will drive nicer on the way to church or at least remove your little metal Jesus fish so you can drive like a maniac in the church parking lot once the sermon is over.
You will wonder what Tim Tebow is up to these days.
You will not look down on Vacation Bible Schools that don’t have “bounce houses” or “inflatables.”
You will stop buying bootleg cookies, I’m looking at your Hydrox, for Sunday School.
You will agree that we need to stop having super lame jokes about sex during our weddings.
You will never ask the fat content of a meal cooked from heaven’s favorite dish, the crock pot.
You will not use “let me pray about that” as a synonym for “no” when someone asks you for a favor.
You will forever stop using the comic sans font.
You will watch the movie version of “Heaven is for Real” or enjoy your fold out couch bed in Hades.
Your church will hold super awkward events for single adults.
You will stop assuming your sound guy/girl must hate sweet baby Jesus because one of the mics didn’t work right.
You will understand how metrosexual your worship leader is.
You will go on a digital fast without announcing it to the whole world or pretending the God of the universe spoke to you because you gave up Twitter for 72 hours.
You will not skip church when you realize that today is a guest speaker.
You will not judge people who smoke cigars, as they are considered the “Christian cigarette.”
You will stop creating tracts that look like fake money because Jesus never created “fake drachmas.”
You will feel a little bit guilty about not homeschooling your kids if you have any.
You will take as many things as you can from “the head to the heart.”
You will not feel guilty if you don’t want to raise your hands while singing.
You will wonder if the guy next to you is going to share gum at church now that you’ve seen it.
You will have an epic fight with your spouse on the way to church.
You will not use the hashtag “#Blessed” for things God might not have been involved in. “Just got tickets to Justin Timberlake! #Blessed”
You will not Jesus Juke.
You will attend at least one church with a name that sounds like it is a designer clothing store.

Those are my resolutions this year.

What is your Christian resolution?

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Ever feel like the worst parent?

This should make you feel better.

I’ve always heard that it’s good to get between a baby bear and it’s mama.

And if you happen to, the first thing you want to do is put that bear on your baby.

Please caption this photo! (Photo via @Historyinpics)

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Jesus played basketball.

This is going to surprise you, but I have a few questions about this photo that someone named Jordan posted:

1. Is Jesus kind of being a bit of a jerk? It doesn’t look like he’s playing hoops, it looks like he’s playing keep away.

2. You know who would be the worst to play keep away with? Jesus. “Hey guys, come out on this lake! Let’s play out here. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, cause you can’t walk on water. Guess who has two thumbs and can walk on water? This guy!”

3. How come the kids are in athletic gear but Jesus is still rocking the robe? Would it be weirder if Jesus was in old school short shorts from the 1980s like Michael Jordan used to wear?

4. Can we admit that sandals offer absolutely no ankle support? I know he’s Jesus but he’s still experienced everything we have. That dude has rolled an ankle.

5. Is it me or is the kid on the right a young Larry Bird?

6. Why is their Nerf ammo next to this?

Those are my questions, do you have any?

 

 

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Merry Christmas!

On the scant chance you snuck away from your family to read this blog or email depending on how you get it, allow me to say, “Merry Christmas!”

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Jon

 

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Hipster Santa.

Last week I saw the image below and thought it was funny. But not as funny as the SCL community could make it.

Today, let’s write the funniest “Hipster Santa” statements in the comments that we can.

I’ll go first.

Hipster Santa doesn’t have reindeer. He has city chickens, producing hormone free eggs in his apartment chicken coop that makes his neighbors hate him.

Your turn. Finish this thought:

Hipster Santa …

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17 Christmas Confessions.

I didn’t think my bacon joke would offend anyone. I was wrong. I had tweeted something like, “If I was a pig, I would be bummed out about how popular bacon is these days.” Someone responded with a Bible verse and told me that “only sinners should fear death.”

Perfect, because I was indeed trying to discuss the prospects for heaven that most pigs face. In my defense though, offending someone online is perhaps the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. That said, I have a few things I need to get off my chest before Christmas.

Here we go:

1. If the Christmas letter you send in your Christmas card is more than 1,000 words long I skim it.

2. I’m pretty sure chex mix is what will be served in hell. It might be the best way to ruin five delicious individual snacks all at once.

3. I put oranges in my kids’ stockings not because they love citrus but because they really fill out the stocking and give the impression of awesome things inside.

4. I judge people who add nuts to brownies. (It’s like putting a handful of gravel in your dessert.)

5. I’m pretty sure at this point Mary knows and we can stop singing that song. Please.

6. My wife and I walked out of a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert. I would have thrown a smoke bomb to escape had I known what the

concert was going to be like and I had been wearing my smoke bomb fanny pack.

7. Our nativity scene constantly looks like a hurricane hit it and may include a Barbie, Beanie baby or ninja from time to time.

8. I didn’t think the movie Anchorman was funny. That doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas, but every friend I have thinks I am dumb. I have been told I need to watch it more than once.

9. Now that we’ve jumped the Christmas rails, I’ve never seen a whole episode of Breaking Bad. I have come to believe though that the hardest part of watching Breaking Bad is telling other people they should watch Breaking Bad.

10. Let’s get back to Christmas. Though I love Mariah’s Christmas album, I refuse to acknowledge her second one.

11. Some of the words my wife said when we had a horrible experience trying to ship something from IKEA made angels lose their wings.

12. Every time I read my kids “Eloise at Christmas” I can’t help but think, “This girl has the worst parents ever.”

13. Most of our Elf on the Shelf ideas were stolen from Matthew and Jessica Paul Turner. I know that’s not how you’d say his name, but sometimes I like to think of them as the “Paul Turners.”

14. We aren’t going to the Christmas Eve services at church. We’re going to Christmas Eve Eve or as my wife calls it, “Christmas Adam.” That can’t be a thing people are saying, can it?

15. If someone wouldn’t leave my house until I gave them Figgy Pudding we would probably get in a fight.

16. “Baby it’s cold outside,” sounds like the creepiest song in the world to me.

17. I’ve never known how to spell the word myrrrrh correctly. I’m confused by how many r’s in there.

That feels like enough. Certainly I’ve offended someone, at the bare minimum the Chex Mix fans.

What of you? Do you have a Christmas confession?

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The most violent Christmas image ever.

A friend of mine name Laura sent me this image from a Christmas letter her boss received.

I have so many questions.

1. Is that a Christmas Ninja? Is that a thing now? Ninjas who come down your chimney or through your air duct, Die Hard style, and deliver presents?

2. In what way am I supposed to prepare my heart for a man holding two swords?

3. I assume by “prepare your heart,” they mean, “prepare to have your heart removed while it is still beating and shown to you like in Indiana Jones.”

4. Am I a horrible Christian for not knowing what this image is? Does every other Christian know but me?

5. What other options did they turn that might have been more violent? Guy with a chainsaw? Lady with an axe?

6. Is that Mary? It kind of looks like a dress. Maybe that’s why Mary was not afraid, she was pretty dope with the double sword, drunken monkey, fighting style.

7. Did the designer who picked that clip art think when they were done, “Nailed it!”

Those are my questions, do you have any?

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The guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday.

Never invite this guy to your Christmas party.

He is even more annoying than the friend who doesn’t even own a TV and tells you that constantly when you’re not even talking about TV. (And we know you watch Hulu, or Netflix or Youtube. Quit acting like you’re a 4th century Desert Father.)

Upon entering your home, the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday will proceed to do exactly that:

“Oh, you’ve got a Christmas tree? Didn’t realize you were into celebrating the winter solstice. Interesting. Are you doing that because you’re recognizing the Egyptian tradition of decorating the house with palm branches to symbolize resurrection? Or does your family swing more Northern European? Is your Christmas tree a shout out to the Germanic god Woden? Or perhaps a Roman tribute to Bacchus? Wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s the Greeks and Adonia, isn’t it? I felt like I was getting an ancient Greek vibe in here.

What’s that you’ve got hanging over the entryway? Mistletoe? Or as I call it, “Pagan Fertility Plant.” Babylon in the house!

And do I smell ham? Are we having a Christmas ham? That will be delicious. But then you know that is a symbol of Tammuz who was fatally wounded by the tusk of a boar. Pagans started that tradition by sacrificing a boar on this pagan holiday. What do you serve with a big plate of meat heresy? Mashed potatoes? What’s the side dish in that situation?

Red and green? Occultic colors!

Yule log? A reference to the sun god!

Easter bunny? A shout out to Semirarmis, a symbol of fertility!

Sorry, that last one got away from me a little bit. I was just on a roll.”

And so the night goes. Try as you might to explain the holly wreath on your front door as a symbol of “me liking the smell of balsam,” you will be shot blocked into submission.

Though this guy is annoying, there are three things I can agree with him on:

1. It’s easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the season in the face of consumerism.

2. It’s inconsistent to call Halloween “Satan’s Birthday,” and label it a pagan holiday, and then four weeks later front hug a Christmas tree like there was one in the manger the night Jesus was born.

3. The best Christmas album ever made is Mariah Carey’s.

Question:

Have you ever run into the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday?

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