Jon Acuff's Blog, page 60

Jesus played basketball.

This is going to surprise you, but I have a few questions about this photo that someone named Jordan posted:

1. Is Jesus kind of being a bit of a jerk? It doesn’t look like he’s playing hoops, it looks like he’s playing keep away.

2. You know who would be the worst to play keep away with? Jesus. “Hey guys, come out on this lake! Let’s play out here. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, cause you can’t walk on water. Guess who has two thumbs and can walk on water? This guy!”

3. How come the kids are in athletic gear but Jesus is still rocking the robe? Would it be weirder if Jesus was in old school short shorts from the 1980s like Michael Jordan used to wear?

4. Can we admit that sandals offer absolutely no ankle support? I know he’s Jesus but he’s still experienced everything we have. That dude has rolled an ankle.

5. Is it me or is the kid on the right a young Larry Bird?

6. Why is their Nerf ammo next to this?

Those are my questions, do you have any?

 

 

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Merry Christmas!

On the scant chance you snuck away from your family to read this blog or email depending on how you get it, allow me to say, “Merry Christmas!”

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Jon

 

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Hipster Santa.

Last week I saw the image below and thought it was funny. But not as funny as the SCL community could make it.

Today, let’s write the funniest “Hipster Santa” statements in the comments that we can.

I’ll go first.

Hipster Santa doesn’t have reindeer. He has city chickens, producing hormone free eggs in his apartment chicken coop that makes his neighbors hate him.

Your turn. Finish this thought:

Hipster Santa …

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17 Christmas Confessions.

I didn’t think my bacon joke would offend anyone. I was wrong. I had tweeted something like, “If I was a pig, I would be bummed out about how popular bacon is these days.” Someone responded with a Bible verse and told me that “only sinners should fear death.”

Perfect, because I was indeed trying to discuss the prospects for heaven that most pigs face. In my defense though, offending someone online is perhaps the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. That said, I have a few things I need to get off my chest before Christmas.

Here we go:

1. If the Christmas letter you send in your Christmas card is more than 1,000 words long I skim it.

2. I’m pretty sure chex mix is what will be served in hell. It might be the best way to ruin five delicious individual snacks all at once.

3. I put oranges in my kids’ stockings not because they love citrus but because they really fill out the stocking and give the impression of awesome things inside.

4. I judge people who add nuts to brownies. (It’s like putting a handful of gravel in your dessert.)

5. I’m pretty sure at this point Mary knows and we can stop singing that song. Please.

6. My wife and I walked out of a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert. I would have thrown a smoke bomb to escape had I known what the

concert was going to be like and I had been wearing my smoke bomb fanny pack.

7. Our nativity scene constantly looks like a hurricane hit it and may include a Barbie, Beanie baby or ninja from time to time.

8. I didn’t think the movie Anchorman was funny. That doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas, but every friend I have thinks I am dumb. I have been told I need to watch it more than once.

9. Now that we’ve jumped the Christmas rails, I’ve never seen a whole episode of Breaking Bad. I have come to believe though that the hardest part of watching Breaking Bad is telling other people they should watch Breaking Bad.

10. Let’s get back to Christmas. Though I love Mariah’s Christmas album, I refuse to acknowledge her second one.

11. Some of the words my wife said when we had a horrible experience trying to ship something from IKEA made angels lose their wings.

12. Every time I read my kids “Eloise at Christmas” I can’t help but think, “This girl has the worst parents ever.”

13. Most of our Elf on the Shelf ideas were stolen from Matthew and Jessica Paul Turner. I know that’s not how you’d say his name, but sometimes I like to think of them as the “Paul Turners.”

14. We aren’t going to the Christmas Eve services at church. We’re going to Christmas Eve Eve or as my wife calls it, “Christmas Adam.” That can’t be a thing people are saying, can it?

15. If someone wouldn’t leave my house until I gave them Figgy Pudding we would probably get in a fight.

16. “Baby it’s cold outside,” sounds like the creepiest song in the world to me.

17. I’ve never known how to spell the word myrrrrh correctly. I’m confused by how many r’s in there.

That feels like enough. Certainly I’ve offended someone, at the bare minimum the Chex Mix fans.

What of you? Do you have a Christmas confession?

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The most violent Christmas image ever.

A friend of mine name Laura sent me this image from a Christmas letter her boss received.

I have so many questions.

1. Is that a Christmas Ninja? Is that a thing now? Ninjas who come down your chimney or through your air duct, Die Hard style, and deliver presents?

2. In what way am I supposed to prepare my heart for a man holding two swords?

3. I assume by “prepare your heart,” they mean, “prepare to have your heart removed while it is still beating and shown to you like in Indiana Jones.”

4. Am I a horrible Christian for not knowing what this image is? Does every other Christian know but me?

5. What other options did they turn that might have been more violent? Guy with a chainsaw? Lady with an axe?

6. Is that Mary? It kind of looks like a dress. Maybe that’s why Mary was not afraid, she was pretty dope with the double sword, drunken monkey, fighting style.

7. Did the designer who picked that clip art think when they were done, “Nailed it!”

Those are my questions, do you have any?

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The guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday.

Never invite this guy to your Christmas party.

He is even more annoying than the friend who doesn’t even own a TV and tells you that constantly when you’re not even talking about TV. (And we know you watch Hulu, or Netflix or Youtube. Quit acting like you’re a 4th century Desert Father.)

Upon entering your home, the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday will proceed to do exactly that:

“Oh, you’ve got a Christmas tree? Didn’t realize you were into celebrating the winter solstice. Interesting. Are you doing that because you’re recognizing the Egyptian tradition of decorating the house with palm branches to symbolize resurrection? Or does your family swing more Northern European? Is your Christmas tree a shout out to the Germanic god Woden? Or perhaps a Roman tribute to Bacchus? Wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s the Greeks and Adonia, isn’t it? I felt like I was getting an ancient Greek vibe in here.

What’s that you’ve got hanging over the entryway? Mistletoe? Or as I call it, “Pagan Fertility Plant.” Babylon in the house!

And do I smell ham? Are we having a Christmas ham? That will be delicious. But then you know that is a symbol of Tammuz who was fatally wounded by the tusk of a boar. Pagans started that tradition by sacrificing a boar on this pagan holiday. What do you serve with a big plate of meat heresy? Mashed potatoes? What’s the side dish in that situation?

Red and green? Occultic colors!

Yule log? A reference to the sun god!

Easter bunny? A shout out to Semirarmis, a symbol of fertility!

Sorry, that last one got away from me a little bit. I was just on a roll.”

And so the night goes. Try as you might to explain the holly wreath on your front door as a symbol of “me liking the smell of balsam,” you will be shot blocked into submission.

Though this guy is annoying, there are three things I can agree with him on:

1. It’s easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the season in the face of consumerism.

2. It’s inconsistent to call Halloween “Satan’s Birthday,” and label it a pagan holiday, and then four weeks later front hug a Christmas tree like there was one in the manger the night Jesus was born.

3. The best Christmas album ever made is Mariah Carey’s.

Question:

Have you ever run into the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday?

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I see what you did there.

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Church Sports Guy

(Today is guest post Friday! This one is from Garrett Price! Follow him on Twitter: @GMP_33. If you want to write one, send it here!) 

Church Sports are the best; and by the best I really mean the most ridiculous and hilarious to watch. Almost anyone that has had any sort of background in athletics (including fantasy football, darts and Madden on the PS3) believe that they are going to be God’s gift to your sports ministry. There are several different athletes that will grace your athletic facility including but not limited to:

The Over Spiritual Guy – This is the guy that lays hands on every twisted ankle, bloody nose and broken nail, while making sure to let every injured “athlete” knows how Jer. 29:11 promises that God has a plan for their ingrown hair.

The In My Prime Guy – Every league has the guy that was the star in college and would blow these young guns away if they were still 21 years old … the only problem is that they now run a 6.2 40 yard dash and look like they ate the running back they used to be.

The Highlight of my Athletic Career Guy – “It is pretty cool that you just hit the game winning single in softball tonight but you do realize that we are playing in the consolation bracket against a team that has not won a game right? So please keep your shirt on and stop yelling “Were going to the Ship””

The Way Overly Aggressive Guy – It’s okay that this guy does not want to give up an easy lay-up but breaking three arm’s in the matter of a month is a little ridiculous.

The Potty Mouth Guy – After striking out again in church softball he yells “Jesus Christ (Look’s at the dugout)………..is my risen Savior”

The I’m Off Today Guy – I know that missing 12 three’s in a row seems like a lot but you should have seen him play open gym ball at the other church. He’s normally “clutch”.

My hope is that eventually churches will have more sports for women so that I can do an amazing “Church Sports Gal,” but until they do, I’ve got to get back to my softball game. I’d be crushing this ball if I was 21 again!

Question:

Who is a sports guy or sports girl you’ve seen at your church?

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Dear people who sent out e-cards to save the planet.

Dear people who sent out electronic Christmas cards to save the planet,

Stop it.

If you own two hardcover books, then you have already wasted more trees than your Christmas cards would have used.

If you drove a car to work today you have already given the planet a bigger black eye than your Christmas card.

If your roof is not covered with solar panels, you already have a bigger carbon footprint than your Christmas card.

Let’s just be honest this Christmas season. Let’s say:

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because I ran out of time.”

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because stamps are expensive.”

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because we’re not that good of friends. You’re not real card material. You’re more a ‘silver medal’ friend, the guy you ask to read a Bible verse in your wedding but is not officially part of the wedding party.” (The verse they read will be “love is patient” by the way.)

That last one is a little long but you can do it.

What inspired this post is that I recently got an e-card from one of the biggest book publishers in the world. They said they sent it out to save the environment. They print millions and millions of books every year, the Christmas card was the least of their problems.

Are there some friends who will send out an e-card because they are unemployed this year? Without a doubt. They get a free pass.

Are there some people who genuinely work hard to help the environment? Certainly, another free pass. (Or they could send me a sharply worded e-card.)

But if you get one from a friend who has never, ever, ever in the history of your relationship mentioned the environment, they are playing you for a sucker.

To honest holidays,

Jon

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The 39 worst things folks said to people who are single during the holidays.

Last week I posted about the crazy things folks say to people who are single during the holidays. Things like “Maybe God gave you the gift of singleness, like Paul.”

I asked other people to share the craziest thing they’d been told. And boy did they ever.

Here’s one of my favorites:

From an older lady in church, “Why are you still single, honey? Can’t you cook?” Yes, a lack of culinary skills has made marriage illusive. Darn you, pot roast! Someday I will master you, and my mate will magically appear!

I kept them anonymous to protect their identity.

Prepare to have your face melted off with awesomeness.

The 39 worst things folks said to people who are single during the holidays.  

1. “At least you don’t have to decide whose family to spend Christmas day with.”

2. “We might not have many more Cristmases left, we need some grandchildren!”

3. all our friends have great grandchildren already and they are always so surprised we don’t yet”

4. “Have you gotten married yet and forgot to tell me?”

5. “It’s so courageous of you to decorate your apartment for the holidays and send out Christmas cards, as if you had a family”.

6. Being a match maker of sorts of some of my friends, a few couples who have gotten hitched in the last few years my mother reminds me to “….maybe stop introducing everyone of your friends & keep some for yourself”. Actually, no mom that’s called polygamy.

7. Got this one from extended family in a different state: “Well, at least it sounds like you have a good bunch of friends…”

8. Maybe God is dangling a gift in front of you and will only give it to you when you stop reaching for it or wanting it!

9. Among my well-meaning critics: The charming Israeli tailor who completed the alterations on most of my 17 bridesmaid dresses used to ask me every time I entered the store with a dress bag if this time it was *my* wedding. And he died before I could say yes! :-/ -

10. Oh gosh! My grandma switched from saying “when you get married” to “if you get married” when I hit the ripe old age of 19. Veritable spinsterhood!

11. “God is your husband!”

12. The only reason you care so much about family time is because you don’t have a husband or kids of your own.”

13. One year, my well meaning sister in law invited me over for New Years Eve. She didn’t realize that everyone else she had invited was part of a couple, so at midnight after everyone else had shared a New Years kiss she leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

14. An aunt asked me if I had thought of freezing my eggs.

15. I am single and I love spending Christmas alone. Me & a good book – best Christmas ever. But friends always say – “You really cannot like being alone on Christmas. You must come to my house and hang out with MY family.” I have started to lie – father forgive me it has been 5 years since my last confession – and tell each of these friends that I am spending it with the other. And thus I get to spend Christmas with my book .

16. From my mom: “You know, I think I’ll enjoy Christmas more when there are grandkids around.”

17. One year my granny gave me a Barbie and Ken wedding cake topper for Christmas. Not engaged. Not dating anyone and no prospects. Looked to granny and she says “we have been waiting to give this to you and we needed to clean out the attic. Maybe this year dear, maybe this year.”

18. My mom asked me if I am going to buy something special for myself since I don’t have someone special to buy it for me.

19. A co-worker of mine said yesterday, “we need to put some mistletoe up in the office to get you a husband!”

20. Instead of just asking if I had a boyfriend/husband, she phrased it, “Did you ever end up getting married?” End up? I’m 25 years old!

21. I work at a Christian book store, so I get all of these every day. One day, a lady came in handing out cards from her “greeting card ministry.” She walked up to me and said, “I’m giving everyone one of my cards, but I noticed you’re single, so you get two because you need extra encouragement.” I was so stunned, all I could do was smile and thank her.

22. Last year my uncle came up to me and randomly said “you made me lose!” I delved in more to this comment since I didn’t understand what it meant. Turns out my family had an ongoing bet that on how long it would take for me to get married. So far, my aunt is the only one that is winning, who bet 8 years…. I’m 21.

23. From an older lady in church, “Why are you still single, honey? Can’t you cook?” Yes, a lack of culinary skills has made marriage illusive. Darn you, pot roast! Someday I will master you, and my mate will magically appear!

24. “Well, when you are happy with yourself you will find someone. You just needed a long time to get to that point apparently.”

25. “Have you considered online dating again? Are you really trying?”

26. “I’m surprised you put up a tree. I don’t think I did that when I was single”

27. The reason you’re not married is because you received too much positive affection and affirmation from your father as a child and therefore are less likely to look for that from other guys?

28. “You’re so lucky to get to sleep in on Christmas Day.”

29. “You’re divorced with kids…that’s a lot of baggage. You come across so strong, independent and happy about it. Maybe if you looked a little more like a ‘damsel in distress’ (she uses air quotes with eyes closed) then you would seem more approachable.” -

30. “If I was younger, I would eat you up.”

31. At Thanksgiving this year, when I responded “No.” to my grandma’s question of “Do you have a boyfriend, yet?”, my aunt piped in with “Well, that’s okay, there’s always adoption.” I’m only 27.

32. Last Christmas (I was 20):
Grandma- “Emma, do you have a boyfriend?”
Me- “No…”
Grandma- “Are you straight?”

 

33. My church used to have New Year’s Eve parties where they would hand out Hershey’s Kisses to the teens and single adults so that they, too, could have a “new year’s kiss”.

34. I’m 27, I’m an RN and one of my patients who was blind once said “come here. Let me feel your face to see what’s wrong with it.”

I replied “say what? There’s nothing wrong with my face.”

He said “well, you’re smart, you’re funny, you have a good job; I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with you to make you an old maid!”

I was only 22 at the time! I can only imagine what he’d say now.

35. The one I’ve been getting from my family these days is “well, it’s better to be single than married to the wrong person.” The age threshold must be 30 because no one says “when” anymore to me.

36. “I feel like I can minister to other women so much better now that I’m in a relationship.. but I’m sure you do a good job too.”

37. “Maybe you should lower your standards”

38. The worst comment I ever got was from a girl who was 2 years younger than me and had been with her boyfriend, now husband, for about 3 months at the time…her comment went something like this….”If I remember correctly from Christmases when I was single….”

39. At my job we have to take turns being on call, my co-workers told me I should volunteer to be on call during Christmas because I “wouldn’t have a husband or kids to disappoint” if I had to work.

 

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