Jon Acuff's Blog, page 63

Quit it.

For where any two or three are gathered, there a Jesus Juke will be.

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Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

Recently I tweeted, “Somewhere in a dark box, our Elf on the Shelf is doing pull ups, covered in attic tattoos & anger at being locked up for 11 months.” I tweeted this because my kids love the Elf on the Shelf doll. Within an hour, the officially Twitter verified Elf had responded with “Nothing buy love Jon.” I think that is fantastic. I love brands that run like that, but I still have to bring out my story about the time the Elf on the Shelf ran into the three wise men and the fight ensued.

Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

A few years ago, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”

Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”

Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?

Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”

Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”

Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”

Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”

Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”

Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”

Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, “Elf?”

Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”

Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”

Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”

Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”

Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.

Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”

Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”

Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”

(Commence elf beat down.)

I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.

Question:

Does your family have an Elf on the Shelf?

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Do Christians need the Hunger Games?

I actually turned my car around and drove back to get this one.

I’m choosing to believe the church has an awesome sense of humor, because I thought this was funny.

Ready for the Hunger Games? This church ain’t got time for that.

Question:

Are you going to see the Hunger Games tonight?

 

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This photo, it needs your captions.

As someone who grew up in Massachusetts, I am tempted to write about how rare this photo my friend Linda in Vermont posted is.

Though we in the South may have grown used to seeing Jesus arm wrestle satan, lower case middle finger, this is an incredibly rare sight in Vermont.

Instead, let’s caption this fantasticness.

My caption is Sylvester Stallone based, “Over the Top …of Heaven.”

What’s your caption?

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3 things I wish we Christians did online.

When Christians attack each other online, the gospel moves backwards.

There’s not a single atheist on the sidelines of Christianity who says, “You know, I don’t love this guy Jesus, but his followers sure do hate each other online. Maybe I should get to know him.”

I’ve never met someone with a testimony that said, “The bitter, public backbiting of Christians online is what led me to a growing relationship with Christ.”

I think part of the problem is that we only want “sanctified online conversations.” We don’t leave room for people to wrestle out and discover and grow. We want each post to be written as if the person is already completely sanctified and their thoughts on any particular topic are final. But if we won’t let each other be open and honest online about our doubts and struggles what makes people watching think we’ll let them be open and honest in our churches?

I’ve bumped into this for years as a Christian with a blog. It’s made me want to start a Christian bloggers justice league.

We probably wouldn’t have a secret hangout, but if we did, these would be some of the things we’d agree to:

1. Debate online, fight offline.

Instead of writing a blog post about how much I want to fight your idea, I’m going to send you an email. Or a direct message. Or a small note tied to a pigeon. I don’t think we have to agree about everything, but when you tweet about somebody without trying to contact them privately, you’re not trying to solve the problem. You’re trying to showcase the problem.

2. Don’t use each other for traffic.

If you’re a pastor, blogger, random human, I won’t use your downfall as a means to increase traffic on my blog. If I want to do a blog review of your book, awesome. Even if I disagree with it. But if you fail at something or make some sort of mistake, I’m not going to create a blog post celebrating that just so I can get more traffic.

3. Share best practices.

Sometimes I feel like Christians online are all on these individual islands. You know things I don’t know. I know things you don’t know. Let’s share and amplify the gospel with creativity.

I think about things like this mostly because I’ve done such a poor job with them in the past. I’ve been the person who attacks or writes dumb posts geared at traffic not change.

But the gospel moves backwards when we Christians act like that.

And that’s the wrong direction.

Question:

What point might you add to this list?

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What if Wes Anderson directed “The Fellowship of the Ring?”

Wes Anderson is the genius behind movies like “The Royal Tenenbaums” and “Rushmore.”

But what if he directed Tolkien’s “The Fellowship of the Ring?”

Here’s what that would look like. (This is a “Malnek remix” and it’s a really fantastic example of how music changes everything.)

 

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What my wife won’t let me call her.

My wife is now on twitter.

After 5 years of sitting out, she’s jumped in with both feet. (You should follow her!)

Now that she’s joined, it’s reaffirmed her desire that I never refer to her in a particular way.

I know what you’re thinking, she doesn’t want me to call her “my bride.”

That’s a popular one amongst Christians and I’ve written about it before. (There are 3 reasons that feels a little silly to me.)

Jenny doesn’t want me to call her that, but that’s not the word she is most concerned about. In fact, if she could go back to our wedding, she would insert this demand in our vows.

When I say it, you are going to think, “No one says that online! No one refers to their spouse that way! Oh stop!”

And you will be wrong. So wrong.

What phrase does my wife never want me to tweet? What title does she not want me to share publically? “My lover.”

There, I’ve said it. I’ve seen a few other Christians refer to their spouses that way. It’s usually done in a list of other titles. “I love my wife. She’s my best friend, my companion, my better half, my lover, my partner in adventures.” They always try to slide it in there like maybe we won’t see.

But we see.

I just can’t do it. Maybe that makes me prudish or puritanical or Shaker, I’m not sure. It’s just that every time I hear that phrase I think of Will Ferrell’s skit with the hot tub. And there’s baby oil and awkwardness and grossness by the metric ton.

So although you should welcome Jenny to Twitter, you should never expect to see me tweet the phrase, “My lover.” Unless Babyface releases a new song called that. Don’t act like you didn’t love the song, “Whip Appeal!”

Question:

What’s the weirdest way you’ve heard two married people refer to each other? Or boyfriend and girlfriend?

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YOLT!

There are many things I like about this air brushed t-shirt.

I like that there are stripes on all the letters, as if each one was wrapped in neon zebra hide.

I like that the Bible verse is denoted with an asterisk.

I like that upon completing it, the artist involved really went to town on the G in God. You can almost see he/she, making that noise from Bill Cosby’s “Picture Pages” as they made it. Remember that? I think it was spelled “blpeeiloiiopeeaadoo.”

But all of those things pale in comparison to what I personally believe is the best part of this. What’s that?

 

The sound you’d make when you said this word.

I believe it would sound like saying “jolt” but with a “y.”

“YOLT!”

Like yelling “Steve Holt!” What are you doing today? “YOLT!”

I think I’m going to try to make this a thing, like the time I tried (unsuccessfully) to bring back “No doy!” Next time you see me, please throw up a loud and proud, “YOLT!”

On Twitter, feel free to throw a #YOLT my way @JonAcuff!

You in?

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The truth about callings.

Most days, I don’t feel successful enough to be used by God.

I don’t feel capable.

I don’t feel smart.

I don’t feel prepared.

Surely there is a better Christian out there who can do what God has called me to do.

But then I read the Bible and notice an interesting pattern when it comes to calling.

God found Gideon in a hole.

He found Joseph in a prison.

He found Daniel in a lion’s den.

He has a curious habit of showing up in the midst of trouble, not the absence. Where the world sees failure, God sees future.

Next time you feel unqualified to be used by God remember this, he tends to recruit from the pit, not the pedestal.

 

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Will this matter on judgment day?

My friend Amanda sent me this image.

I immediately was struck with the following thoughts:

1. Remember that verse in Galatians that talked about the need to put bumper stickers on your donkey? Right there on that burro, you were supposed to slap a little Jesus fish.

2. How boring is the rest of judgment day if you suddenly realize you should have put more stickers on a car? No angels, no majesty of God, no wonders filling your vision. It will be so dull that the bumper sticker collection on your 2003 Honda Accord will pop into your head.

3. How sinless has the rest of your life been if a bumper sticker makes the list of things you failed?

4. Can you imagine God saying, “I sent my son to die for you, but it’s time to address your lack of bumper stickers?”

5. Do you think that when you apply a sticker it’s like when Jesus said the angels celebrate over a sinner being saved? Are they in heaven, shouting out in winged jubilation, “Blessed be your name!” (Even there they sing that song.)

6. Once you put a bumper sticker on any part of your car that is not your bumper you’ve crossed into scary territory as far as I’m concerned.

That’s what I think about this sticker.

What do you think?

 

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