Jon Acuff's Blog, page 62

The Christianary

(It’s guest post Friday! This one is from Kathleen Leslie! If you’d like to write a guest post, submit one here.)

Christians should have their own dictionaries—not as in a “you can’t look at my cool dictionary with Three Crosses On A Hill or White Jesus With A Lamb emblazoned on the cover of it because you aren’t Christian,” exclusionary kind of dictionary. It would be a dictionary that anyone could have. But only Christians would understand it. It would really be used as a tool for new Christians. Right after we have them stand up to a congregation of 1,000 and point to them as “VISITORS,” clapping wildly and eying them up for signs of recent sin, we can have an usher hand them a handy copy of the Christianary.

What words should be in it?

It should have standards in it, like fruit, defined as the result of Holy Spirit that church friends recognize in you, e.g., “The fruit of Alice’s hard work decorating the church with poinsettias this Christmas is her rosy glow and ability to prune the extraneous food stuck on children’s faces during fellowship time.” It would still contain the other definition (“the sweet and fleshy product of a tree or other plant that contains seed and can be eaten as food”). Naturally, that definition would be secondary.

Other words must have pride of place too, like:

Margin: What Andy Stanley wants us to have and what we claim to need while in church meetings (If I had more margin like Pastor does, I would have been able to alert him that hosting the usher’s appreciation dinner after 5 pm at a place other than Cracker Barrel is a no-go.)

Tithe: Ten percent, when speaking about others, and the amount of money I can part with this week when speaking about ourselves (I got my tithe out of the cup holder in the car this week)

Awesome: What God is when we see the fruit of his Spirit. (It was awesome the way God totally saw that I was in a hurry and convicted that old lady to swerve off the side of the road so I could hightail it to my XTreme Uprising YouthX group).

Epic: What every youth group event is now, if your church hosts it.

Important phrases and Christian slang should also be included, like:

Hands and feet of Christ: Your hands and feet, and mind and money, not mine; mine are on spiritual retreat (see also: sabbatical).

Pearls Before Swine: Important stuff that heathens can’t have or won’t get. (I’m not giving out my fish wristband bracelets to the skaters in the IHOP parking lot so they can use them for rubber band weapons; no point puttin’ pearls before swine.”)

What other awesome, epic words could be included?

(For more great writing from Kathleen, check out her blog and follow her on twitter at @KathLeslie10)

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Judging people that use the table of contents in their Bible.

Stop, just stop, it’s too late. I saw you. We were just told to turn to Nahum 2:4 by our pastor and out of the corner of my eye I saw you flip to the table of contents in your Bible.

Don’t, don’t try to explain yourself. I thought you loved God. I thought that when we weren’t at church together you were off somewhere reading your Bible, but clearly that was a mistake on my part. How long has this been going on, this, ugh, I don’t even like how the words feel in my mouth, this “using the table of contents to find books of the Bible?”

I felt like we had made so much progress. When we first met you had a Bible with those indents, those “dumb thumbs.” As in, “I’m dumb, I can’t find Titus, here is where I place my thumb.” But we got through that, we pushed through that and got you a grown up Bible without indents marking the different books.

And then today, today I catch you using the table of contents?

Who are you?

I don’t even know you any more.

Sure, you can find Psalms. Congratulations, you know where Psalms is. Everyone can find that book. It’s 60 pages long and in the middle. Yeah, that’s right, in addition to the location of the books of the Bible I know the length of each book.

Do you know what I did with my table of contents? I ripped it out and rolled it into a homemade shofar horn that I blow when it’s time for my family to come down and read our nightly Bible studies.

Go on, look up Nahum. It’s too late to save face now. You’ll find it on page 1466 and it’s only seven pages long. But what am I telling you for? You’ve probably confused Nahum with the Marvel comics anti-hero, Namor the Sub-Mariner, prince of Atlantis, grandson of the Atlantean Emperor Thakorr.

I’m so embarrassed for you.

(This is a Throwback Thursday post from deep within the archives of Stuff Christians Like!)

 

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The scars are lighthouses.

We come from a faith where the faults aren’t hidden.

That is the first thing that struck me about the beginning of the book of Matthew.

I usually skip the lineage lines. Or lines of lineage. That sounds like a bit of a tongue twister. Why do I skip them? Because I’m not a very good Christian.

But in Matthew, we see the line of Christ. The two things that stick out are the prostitute and the adultery.

In modern culture we tend to rewrite the histories of our heroes. We brush by their mistakes, amplify the triumph and hide the scars. We manufacture bright, shiny heroes. But the Bible doesn’t.

Rahab is not skipped over. There she is loud and present. The hooker. But as dramatic as that is, it’s the adultery that seems to most boldly fly in the face of our desire for mistake free lives.

When it comes to Solomon, this is how verse 6 in Matthew 1 could have read:

“David was the father of Solomon.” Done and done. Easy verse, simple idea. Nothing to see here folks, move along. Instead, the verse does the unexpected and says, “David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife.” They don’t even say “Bathsheba.” The verse makes a point of saying, this kid was born from someone else’s wife. Brutal.

And then we look at our own lives and think we need to cover up the lineage of mistakes we’ve made. We edit. We cut out. We rewrite our histories.

Don’t.

Roll your sleeves back up.

Stop hiding.

The scars you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks you hit.

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Happy Holidays.

My wife told me she was able to get this shirt for our kids for only $1.50 because we live in the South and other Christians didn’t want it.

I told her I was able to get us booked with our marriage counselor because I thought she was one.

Happy Holidays? SMH.

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The 5 best ways to survive, “Christmas Shoes.”

If you’re not familiar with the song, “Christmas Shoes,” then enjoy this ornament we have on our tree, give a short thank you prayer to our Lord and Savior and skip this post all together. That’s a pretty charmed life you’re living friend. Savor it.

If though, you have experienced the melodic tale of the boy who wants to buy shoes for his dying mother because he wants her to look nice when she meets Jesus, I have some good news for you.

Here are the 5 best ways to survive, “Christmas Shoes.”

1. If it comes on the radio while you are driving in a car, don’t forget to tuck your shoulder when you open the door to roll out into the street. If you can, try to time your roll when the car is going slowly and let your back take the brunt of the landing. If you’re driving, this is still valid advice. Your car might ghost ride for a little while, but you can always buy a new one. You can’t always unhear this song.

2. Don’t try to negotiate with it. Much like fear, the Christmas Shoes song cannot be beat with logic or rational thinking. Don’t waste time with questions like, “Where is this kid’s dad? Does he have a dad? Why shoes? Why not a Christmas dress? Why not a delicious bowl of queso? Has an 8 year old ever successfully purchased a women’s shoe in the history of mankind?”

3. Forget trying to make it an “acquired taste.” This song isn’t like algebra, it doesn’t get better once you get used to it. Don’t think that listening to it on repeat will solve your problems.

4. Keep it out of any Christmas playlist. I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, I’ll just hide it in the middle of a 100 song playlist. No one at the party will notice.” They will and so will you when you notice people are leaving your party.

5. Stop being friends with people who say it’s not a bad song. They’re wrong. Those people have terrible judgment and probably prefer unfrosted pop tarts as well. Stop doing life with them.

We’ll get through this friend, I know we will, but it’s going to take a village.

What is your best tip to survive Christmas Shoes?

 

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Wine at Thanksgiving.

This week, I’m staying in the Gulf Shores/Orange Beach, Alabama area with Jenny’s family.

As an author, I try to contribute to the family communication by saying things at the dinner table like, “Let’s all talk about Obamacare.”

But most of the time, I’m not the one who starts funny family conversations.

Yesterday, at 9AM, Jenny’s uncle said, “Does anyone want any wine?”

I said, “It’s 9AM. That feels pretty early for wine.”

He immediately replied, “We could call it communion.”

This is family.

This is Thanksgiving.

I hope you enjoy both.

Question:

What’s something funny that happened in your family during one of your Thanksgivings?

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Quit it.

For where any two or three are gathered, there a Jesus Juke will be.

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Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

Recently I tweeted, “Somewhere in a dark box, our Elf on the Shelf is doing pull ups, covered in attic tattoos & anger at being locked up for 11 months.” I tweeted this because my kids love the Elf on the Shelf doll. Within an hour, the officially Twitter verified Elf had responded with “Nothing buy love Jon.” I think that is fantastic. I love brands that run like that, but I still have to bring out my story about the time the Elf on the Shelf ran into the three wise men and the fight ensued.

Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

A few years ago, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”

Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”

Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?

Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”

Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”

Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”

Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”

Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”

Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”

Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, “Elf?”

Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”

Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”

Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”

Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”

Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.

Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”

Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”

Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”

(Commence elf beat down.)

I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.

Question:

Does your family have an Elf on the Shelf?

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Do Christians need the Hunger Games?

I actually turned my car around and drove back to get this one.

I’m choosing to believe the church has an awesome sense of humor, because I thought this was funny.

Ready for the Hunger Games? This church ain’t got time for that.

Question:

Are you going to see the Hunger Games tonight?

 

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This photo, it needs your captions.

As someone who grew up in Massachusetts, I am tempted to write about how rare this photo my friend Linda in Vermont posted is.

Though we in the South may have grown used to seeing Jesus arm wrestle satan, lower case middle finger, this is an incredibly rare sight in Vermont.

Instead, let’s caption this fantasticness.

My caption is Sylvester Stallone based, “Over the Top …of Heaven.”

What’s your caption?

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