Jon Acuff's Blog, page 61

The best Christmas photo ever.

This was from last year but it still makes me laugh. (Well done, Jamilia Jean!)

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What if your dog is an atheist?

I used to think people were too attached to their pets until I got a beta fish. I love that fish. When I get up early in the morning, he’s the only one in the house who is awake and we kind of head nod to each other. I’m not kidding, I sincerely like that fish. I can’t imagine what would happen if I had a pet that actually had an ounce of affection in it.

In response to the love people like me have for their animals, some churches are now doing “Pet Blessings.” The point of a pet blessing is to bless your pet with a blessing so that they feel blessed and have a blessing and I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore. I’m not sure what the point is but that’s a thing now. And I think a lot of people genuinely like it. So I will withhold judgment until I actually attend one.

In the meantime though, I will laugh and laugh at this photo from the dog shaming site. I love how unrepentant the dog is. He’s just kind of sitting there like “Yeah, I peed on someone. That’s what I do when I’m nervous. This is not new information for you.” In my head I like to imagine this dog is an atheist and was pretty put out by the whole experience. Probably thought to himself, “You’ve blessed me, now allow me to bless you.”

And I also enjoy the thought that seminaries will have to start training pastors how to handle dogs. The idea of some professor saying, “Here’s how you want t bless a dog that looks like he wants to bite you,” is funny to me. That made me laugh inside of the part of my heart that’s not a very good Christian.

Have you heard of a pet blessing before?

 

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Mariah Carey vs. Amy Grant, who won?

Last week I asked you who had the best Christmas album, Mariah Carey or Amy Grant.

Well, the votes are in and you’re not going to believe how close it was!

Here are the results:

Can you believe that?

3 votes! Crazy.

Thanks for voting and I’m glad we settled that once and for all.

 

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5 ways to fight with your spouse while putting up a Christmas tree.

A few days ago, my kids got into a fight because one of them wouldn’t stop loudly singing “Last Christmas” by Wham.

Why did they fight? Because Acuffs.

But they are not alone in the reality of a good old fashioned Christmas argument. Turns out that putting up a Christmas tree is the holiday equivalent of hanging wallpaper with your spouse. (Few things make marriage as difficult as wallpaper.)

How do you enjoy this festive argument? Here are a few pointers.

1. If possible, get a real tree.

Nothing creates a good fight like adding a large, slowly dying part of the forest to your living room. First of all you have to decide which one. Then there are the needles, the freaking needles. Christmas tree needles are nature’s glitter. You will be cleaning needles up until July.

2. Put the tree in a difficult to reach room.

Aim for a room that requires many, many complicated maneuvers through narrows halls. Nothing will fire up a spouse like a great wall scrape when you carry in the tree. (Bonus points is you leave a trail of sap on the wall.)

3. Yell out instructions. Like Ross.

If your spouse isn’t carrying the tree correctly, yell the instructions louder. Like Ross in that episode of Friends when they were carrying the couch. (Pivot!) Screaming at your spouse is like “verbal mistletoe.” It really makes them want to make out with you. Trust me on this one.

4. Get a tree stand much smaller or larger than the actual tree.

You know who invented the tree stand? Satan. That’s who. I hate that guy so much.

5. Store all your lights in a squirrel nest tangle.

The minute Christmas is over, tie the strands of lights into knots even a sailor couldn’t figure out. That will make for an awesome fight next year.

Those are my 5 tips. They will undoubtedly lead to a real fight, not one of those fake Christian fights where the sun doesn’t go down on your anger. It will go down and so will you, on the couch.

Happy Holidays!

Jon

p.s. Have you ever argued with your spouse during Christmas?

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Being single during Christmas.

One of the most popular Stuff Christians Like posts of all time was #550. Surviving church as a single. But one time, a friend who is single came to town for the holidays and I realized I had missed whole chunks of awkwardness in describing the bottomless joy that is “Being single during Christmas at church.”

So instead of simply remixing an old post, I decided to create a holiday-focused scorecard. Think of it like a seasonal ale they put nutmeg in during January. It only comes around this time of year. Without further ado, I give you:

Being single during Christmas at church:

 1. Someone tells you, “It’s tough to be alone this time of year.” = +1 point

2. They pat your head while they say that. = +2 points

3. They slap your butt like a football player after saying it. = + creepy

4. With bated breath, they ask, “Should I put you down as +1 for the Christmas party this year?” = +2 points

5. You good friends hold secret “couples holiday dinners” they don’t invite you to because they don’t want you to feel awkward. = + 3 points

6. They wince when the world’s worst commercials, Jared’s jewelry, come on TV and some horrible actress gets engaged right in front of you. = +4 points

7. If you’re divorced they tell you, “I think this year you should really ‘focus on you.’” = +1 point

8. They try desperately to find the silver lining and say things like, “It must be nice not to have to shop for anyone. My husband is so hard to get gifts for!” = +2 points

9. When you tell them you’re OK being single during Christmas, they give you a look that says, “You are such a liar. It’s impossible to be happy and single during Christmas!” = +2 points

10. They feel slightly guilty for watching romantic Christmas movies in your presence, like “Love Actually.” = +3 points

11. Someone tells you, “Being single doesn’t have to mean being alone.” = +2 points

12. Your friends have stopped saying “When you get married” because they’re not sure you’ve got it in you. = +1 point

13. Your friends now say, “If you get married.” = +2 points

14. Your friends now give you the marriage kiss of death and simply say, “God willing.” = + 3 points

15. You are given some sort of cross stitched artwork that contains the verses from Proverbs 31 about how a woman should be. = +2 points

16. People tell you, “Maybe this will be your year” in the same tone baseball fans wonder if the Cubs will finally win the World Series this year. = +2 points

17. You attend a holiday themed church singles event that is billed as “Not just a Christian version of speed dating,” but is in fact, a Christian version of speed dating. = + 1 point

18. A friend emailed you the link to this post because they knew you needed it. = + 1 point

19. A friend emailed you the link to this post and suggested you troll the comments to find other like minded single people. = +2 points

20. A friend you only see once a year during the holidays, uses the S word when hearing you’re single. “Still?” = +1 point

21. People spend an exorbitant amount of time telling you marriage success stories, e.g. “The instant my friend Jill stopped looking for a boyfriend this incredible guy came along and swept her off her feet.” = + 1 point

22. You’re divorced and someone gives you the incredibly encouraging advice, “God will bring you someone who will overlook your past.” = + 2 points

23. This is the first Christmas you realized you officially crossed the age threshold. Instead of people saying, “You’re young, it will happen!” they now say, “Maybe you’re called to be single.” = +5 points

24. Someone makes a horrible joke about how this Christmas, you got the “gift of celibacy.” = +10 points

25. Married friends feel compelled to over tell you how difficult marriage is so that you don’t feel like it’s a winter wonderland of constant awesomeness. = +3 points

26. If you were given a kitten for Christmas people automatically think, “That was a doorway cat. You’re about to become the crazy cat lady.” = +5 points

27. For Christmas, someone gave you a book about dating that had a man or woman, alone on the cover staring out over a lonely windswept horizon, eating a Campbell’s soup for one, probably listening to the haunting melodies of George Winston. = +2 points

28. For Christmas, your friends bought you an annual pass to eharmony.com or another dating site. = + 5 points

29. They filled out your dating profile for you and made you sound 97% more awesome than you actually are. = +10 points

30. The profile photo they used on your dating page is at least 10 years old. = +20 points

31. At a Christmas party, someone tells you the wildly inappropriate compliment, “Where were you when I was single?” = + 2 points

32. People try to romanticize the tremendous amounts of free time you must have during the holidays without a family to bother you. = +3 points

Did I miss any? A lot of these were based on great reader comments, from folks like Ash and many others, so all the thanks go to them.

How did you score?

Have you ever heard anything like that?

What’s the craziest “single comment” you’ve heard?

 

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What’s the best Christmas album of all time?

Yesterday, my neighbor told me “Happy Holidays.” So I throat chopped him Liam Neeson style because he’s apparently part of the war on Christmas. After all, Christmas is about Christ and peace on earth and yelling at people.

Remember when the woman at the well told Jesus she wanted water and he screamed, “I am the Living Water, why are you part of the war on water?”

But that’s not the war I’m worried today.

Today I’d like to determine once and for all, what the best Christmas album of all time is.

I went ahead and narrowed it down to the two best:

Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas”

Amy Grant’s “A Christmas Album/Home for Christmas” (I consider them a double album, as you should as well.)

Here’s why either album is worthy of the title:

Amy Grant’s “A Christmas Album/Home for Christmas”

1. Look at the photo. Is there a more magical image in all of music? I don’t know where she is, but I assume she’s saying, “Hey Jon Acuff, want some hot chocolate?” And then I’d say, “I sure do Amy Grant!” (Me and Amy Grant always use our full names when we hang out.)

2. That’s the best sweater in the world. I’m pretty sure that came from the gift shop in Epcot’s Norway. (The one right after you ride the Maelstrom.)

3. Amy is Christian Royalty. It feels wrong to vote against her.

Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas.”

1. I don’t recognize her second album but I don’t need to because this whole album is fantastic. Most Christmas albums are one good song and then 10 duds. Not this one. I start listening to this one in November.

2. It’s hard to find a better version of “All I want for Christmas is you.” Don’t even bother looking.

3. There’s a pretty amazing reindeer in the video for the aforementioned song. Reindeer render most arguments invalid. I once even met one of the reindeer from the video. How do I know? The reindeer wrangler told me. (Admittedly, that’s a nearly impossible claim for me to verify.)

Now, the tough part. I’ve created a simple survey to see which song wins. We’ll take votes until Sunday night at midnight central time (God’s timezone.)

On Monday we will declare a winner. (You can also add a different album in the survey.)

Fill out the survey right here!

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What my kids did to our manger scene.

This morning, my 10 year old daughter said, “Hey dad, Mary fainted in the manger.”

This kind of sentence very rarely leads to good things. I tend to file these conversations in my “Jon is a bad parent” folder, which is thick at this point.

I said, “What do you mean sweetheart?”

She replied, “Well, baby Jesus started doing pushups and she saw that his back says ‘made in Italy’ so she fainted.”

Awesome. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that. Somewhere in the Bible it probably says, “Never make sweet baby Jesus do push ups in the manger, especially because he is naked.” Bet that’s in Revelation or something.

But maybe she was joking. My kids love pranks. So I looked at the manger.

Nope, Jesus was doing crossfit. He was probably in the middle of a burpee. Maybe that’s P90X. Hard to tell.

I took a photo. Here it is. I hope it makes you feel better about your own parenting. I am worse than you.

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Tis’ the season for hate mail!

Yesterday, I wrote a silly post about how some parents take Elf on the Shelf too seriously. I admitted that Jenny and I were already phoning in our Elf on the Shelf hiding places. I begged these overachieving parents to stop building elaborate, photo perfect scenes that make us look like horrible parents. The Elf on the Shelf people actually commented to me and thought it was funny. And yet, I then proceeded to get some pretty awesome hate mail.

Here is what one woman wrote me:

Now, I choose to believe this is a misguided attempt at satire. Surely no one would ask me to quit my given profession over a blog post about a magical elf. Surely no one would tell me I was rude and then curse at me a mere few sentences later. Surely no one is still actively employing the use of the term “negative nellys.” (I believe the correct plural is “nellies” unless you are talking about if we had multiple rappers from the St. Lunatics that were warning us it’s getting hot in here.)

What’s your take?

Serious anger or attempt at humor?

 

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Dear perfect Elf on the Shelf people, an open letter.

Dear perfect Elf on the Shelf people,

stop it.

Seriously, quit it.

You’re making the rest of us parents look horrible.

It’s only December 11th and do you know what our Elf did last night? I’ll show you:

That’s right. He’s in a freezer. Why? Because when our Elf on the Shelf iPhone “hide the elf” alarm went off, we were out of ideas. Let’s pause for a second. That’s right, we had to set a freaking alarm to remind ourselves to hide this thing. We are the worst parents.

So @JennyAcuff and I decided, “Let’s put him in the freezer. That’s a thing. We’ll make him hold a popsicle. That’s whimsical or something. Whatever.”

I think he’s sitting on a loaf of bread or maybe some ham. I don’t care. The day before that he hid in a jar. Why? Because jars are easy for me to open. Don’t judge me. You don’t know my life.

Then I get online and see photos of your elf. You’ve built a trapeze with the elf hanging from the roof of your house with some sort of homemade jet pack. The day after that he’s driven your car into the front yard and left some clever message spelled out with Skittles. You’re making the rest of us parents, who hide the elf in the Christmas tree 9 times in December, look bad. Plus, you’re not showing all of your elf days online, just the greatest hits.

And don’t tell me you got that photo in one take. You didn’t. You took at least 10 photos of that scene, I guarantee it. You tried 5 filters before you find the perfect one. Do you understand that? We’ve become Elf on the Shelf paparazzi. You also never show the after photo. The one where there are ants all over your counter because you left a trail of powdered sugar footprints when the Elf had a powdered sugar snowball fight with a teddy bear.

I think next year Jenny and I are going to have to move houses because we’ve run out of ideas. This is our 6th year. If this is your first, I totally give you a free pass. Have at it. But if you and your spouse are holding brainstorming meetings in November for elf planning, we’ve got a problem.

It’s exhausting.

Please stop,

Jon

p.s. If this is you, please sign this petition by forwarding this or sharing it on Facebook or tweeting it or doing anything you can to get it into the hands of perfect Elf on the Shelf people. They must be told.

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Leviticus, the read through the Bible in one year widow maker.

It’s almost January 1st, which means New Year’s resolutions!

Statistically speaking, 82% of Christians will try to read the Bible in one year. (I made that stat up because blogs.)

A lot of them will think it will be easy. That is dumb. Why? Leviticus.

Genesis kind of woos you with stories. Ohhh, Adam and Eve! Joseph and his wicked awesome coat! All the stories! Dem feels!

Then you head to Exodus and you’re feeling good. I’ve got this. This is like a crazy desert soap opera. There’s a priest who just stabbed two people having sex with a spear. This isn’t a boring Bible, this is an action movie! Stallone was probably in the original, he’s pretty old.

You get all cocky and feel like you’ll have this Bible knocked out by May. What kind of loser Christian needs a whole year? You are unstoppable!

And then … Leviticus.

In order to seem relevant, I have to contractually say, it came in “like a wrecking ball.”

Suddenly, the amazing stories are gone and in their place you know what you get? Detailed information on how to tell if a sore is infectious. That’s right, a detailed analysis on what color the hair in a sore will change. Riveting!

There, stuck in the Bermuda Triangle of Leviticus you’ll start to daydream about David and Goliath. If you could only get there. If only.

March bravely into the new year my friend. Be bold and strong!

But never turn your back on Leviticus. That book will murder you.

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