Jon Acuff's Blog, page 61

I see what you did there.

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Church Sports Guy

(Today is guest post Friday! This one is from Garrett Price! Follow him on Twitter: @GMP_33. If you want to write one, send it here!) 

Church Sports are the best; and by the best I really mean the most ridiculous and hilarious to watch. Almost anyone that has had any sort of background in athletics (including fantasy football, darts and Madden on the PS3) believe that they are going to be God’s gift to your sports ministry. There are several different athletes that will grace your athletic facility including but not limited to:

The Over Spiritual Guy – This is the guy that lays hands on every twisted ankle, bloody nose and broken nail, while making sure to let every injured “athlete” knows how Jer. 29:11 promises that God has a plan for their ingrown hair.

The In My Prime Guy – Every league has the guy that was the star in college and would blow these young guns away if they were still 21 years old … the only problem is that they now run a 6.2 40 yard dash and look like they ate the running back they used to be.

The Highlight of my Athletic Career Guy – “It is pretty cool that you just hit the game winning single in softball tonight but you do realize that we are playing in the consolation bracket against a team that has not won a game right? So please keep your shirt on and stop yelling “Were going to the Ship””

The Way Overly Aggressive Guy – It’s okay that this guy does not want to give up an easy lay-up but breaking three arm’s in the matter of a month is a little ridiculous.

The Potty Mouth Guy – After striking out again in church softball he yells “Jesus Christ (Look’s at the dugout)………..is my risen Savior”

The I’m Off Today Guy – I know that missing 12 three’s in a row seems like a lot but you should have seen him play open gym ball at the other church. He’s normally “clutch”.

My hope is that eventually churches will have more sports for women so that I can do an amazing “Church Sports Gal,” but until they do, I’ve got to get back to my softball game. I’d be crushing this ball if I was 21 again!

Question:

Who is a sports guy or sports girl you’ve seen at your church?

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Dear people who sent out e-cards to save the planet.

Dear people who sent out electronic Christmas cards to save the planet,

Stop it.

If you own two hardcover books, then you have already wasted more trees than your Christmas cards would have used.

If you drove a car to work today you have already given the planet a bigger black eye than your Christmas card.

If your roof is not covered with solar panels, you already have a bigger carbon footprint than your Christmas card.

Let’s just be honest this Christmas season. Let’s say:

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because I ran out of time.”

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because stamps are expensive.”

“I sent you an email instead of a real card because we’re not that good of friends. You’re not real card material. You’re more a ‘silver medal’ friend, the guy you ask to read a Bible verse in your wedding but is not officially part of the wedding party.” (The verse they read will be “love is patient” by the way.)

That last one is a little long but you can do it.

What inspired this post is that I recently got an e-card from one of the biggest book publishers in the world. They said they sent it out to save the environment. They print millions and millions of books every year, the Christmas card was the least of their problems.

Are there some friends who will send out an e-card because they are unemployed this year? Without a doubt. They get a free pass.

Are there some people who genuinely work hard to help the environment? Certainly, another free pass. (Or they could send me a sharply worded e-card.)

But if you get one from a friend who has never, ever, ever in the history of your relationship mentioned the environment, they are playing you for a sucker.

To honest holidays,

Jon

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The 39 worst things folks said to people who are single during the holidays.

Last week I posted about the crazy things folks say to people who are single during the holidays. Things like “Maybe God gave you the gift of singleness, like Paul.”

I asked other people to share the craziest thing they’d been told. And boy did they ever.

Here’s one of my favorites:

From an older lady in church, “Why are you still single, honey? Can’t you cook?” Yes, a lack of culinary skills has made marriage illusive. Darn you, pot roast! Someday I will master you, and my mate will magically appear!

I kept them anonymous to protect their identity.

Prepare to have your face melted off with awesomeness.

The 39 worst things folks said to people who are single during the holidays.  

1. “At least you don’t have to decide whose family to spend Christmas day with.”

2. “We might not have many more Cristmases left, we need some grandchildren!”

3. all our friends have great grandchildren already and they are always so surprised we don’t yet”

4. “Have you gotten married yet and forgot to tell me?”

5. “It’s so courageous of you to decorate your apartment for the holidays and send out Christmas cards, as if you had a family”.

6. Being a match maker of sorts of some of my friends, a few couples who have gotten hitched in the last few years my mother reminds me to “….maybe stop introducing everyone of your friends & keep some for yourself”. Actually, no mom that’s called polygamy.

7. Got this one from extended family in a different state: “Well, at least it sounds like you have a good bunch of friends…”

8. Maybe God is dangling a gift in front of you and will only give it to you when you stop reaching for it or wanting it!

9. Among my well-meaning critics: The charming Israeli tailor who completed the alterations on most of my 17 bridesmaid dresses used to ask me every time I entered the store with a dress bag if this time it was *my* wedding. And he died before I could say yes! :-/ -

10. Oh gosh! My grandma switched from saying “when you get married” to “if you get married” when I hit the ripe old age of 19. Veritable spinsterhood!

11. “God is your husband!”

12. The only reason you care so much about family time is because you don’t have a husband or kids of your own.”

13. One year, my well meaning sister in law invited me over for New Years Eve. She didn’t realize that everyone else she had invited was part of a couple, so at midnight after everyone else had shared a New Years kiss she leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

14. An aunt asked me if I had thought of freezing my eggs.

15. I am single and I love spending Christmas alone. Me & a good book – best Christmas ever. But friends always say – “You really cannot like being alone on Christmas. You must come to my house and hang out with MY family.” I have started to lie – father forgive me it has been 5 years since my last confession – and tell each of these friends that I am spending it with the other. And thus I get to spend Christmas with my book .

16. From my mom: “You know, I think I’ll enjoy Christmas more when there are grandkids around.”

17. One year my granny gave me a Barbie and Ken wedding cake topper for Christmas. Not engaged. Not dating anyone and no prospects. Looked to granny and she says “we have been waiting to give this to you and we needed to clean out the attic. Maybe this year dear, maybe this year.”

18. My mom asked me if I am going to buy something special for myself since I don’t have someone special to buy it for me.

19. A co-worker of mine said yesterday, “we need to put some mistletoe up in the office to get you a husband!”

20. Instead of just asking if I had a boyfriend/husband, she phrased it, “Did you ever end up getting married?” End up? I’m 25 years old!

21. I work at a Christian book store, so I get all of these every day. One day, a lady came in handing out cards from her “greeting card ministry.” She walked up to me and said, “I’m giving everyone one of my cards, but I noticed you’re single, so you get two because you need extra encouragement.” I was so stunned, all I could do was smile and thank her.

22. Last year my uncle came up to me and randomly said “you made me lose!” I delved in more to this comment since I didn’t understand what it meant. Turns out my family had an ongoing bet that on how long it would take for me to get married. So far, my aunt is the only one that is winning, who bet 8 years…. I’m 21.

23. From an older lady in church, “Why are you still single, honey? Can’t you cook?” Yes, a lack of culinary skills has made marriage illusive. Darn you, pot roast! Someday I will master you, and my mate will magically appear!

24. “Well, when you are happy with yourself you will find someone. You just needed a long time to get to that point apparently.”

25. “Have you considered online dating again? Are you really trying?”

26. “I’m surprised you put up a tree. I don’t think I did that when I was single”

27. The reason you’re not married is because you received too much positive affection and affirmation from your father as a child and therefore are less likely to look for that from other guys?

28. “You’re so lucky to get to sleep in on Christmas Day.”

29. “You’re divorced with kids…that’s a lot of baggage. You come across so strong, independent and happy about it. Maybe if you looked a little more like a ‘damsel in distress’ (she uses air quotes with eyes closed) then you would seem more approachable.” -

30. “If I was younger, I would eat you up.”

31. At Thanksgiving this year, when I responded “No.” to my grandma’s question of “Do you have a boyfriend, yet?”, my aunt piped in with “Well, that’s okay, there’s always adoption.” I’m only 27.

32. Last Christmas (I was 20):
Grandma- “Emma, do you have a boyfriend?”
Me- “No…”
Grandma- “Are you straight?”

 

33. My church used to have New Year’s Eve parties where they would hand out Hershey’s Kisses to the teens and single adults so that they, too, could have a “new year’s kiss”.

34. I’m 27, I’m an RN and one of my patients who was blind once said “come here. Let me feel your face to see what’s wrong with it.”

I replied “say what? There’s nothing wrong with my face.”

He said “well, you’re smart, you’re funny, you have a good job; I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with you to make you an old maid!”

I was only 22 at the time! I can only imagine what he’d say now.

35. The one I’ve been getting from my family these days is “well, it’s better to be single than married to the wrong person.” The age threshold must be 30 because no one says “when” anymore to me.

36. “I feel like I can minister to other women so much better now that I’m in a relationship.. but I’m sure you do a good job too.”

37. “Maybe you should lower your standards”

38. The worst comment I ever got was from a girl who was 2 years younger than me and had been with her boyfriend, now husband, for about 3 months at the time…her comment went something like this….”If I remember correctly from Christmases when I was single….”

39. At my job we have to take turns being on call, my co-workers told me I should volunteer to be on call during Christmas because I “wouldn’t have a husband or kids to disappoint” if I had to work.

 

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The best Christmas photo ever.

This was from last year but it still makes me laugh. (Well done, Jamilia Jean!)

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What if your dog is an atheist?

I used to think people were too attached to their pets until I got a beta fish. I love that fish. When I get up early in the morning, he’s the only one in the house who is awake and we kind of head nod to each other. I’m not kidding, I sincerely like that fish. I can’t imagine what would happen if I had a pet that actually had an ounce of affection in it.

In response to the love people like me have for their animals, some churches are now doing “Pet Blessings.” The point of a pet blessing is to bless your pet with a blessing so that they feel blessed and have a blessing and I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore. I’m not sure what the point is but that’s a thing now. And I think a lot of people genuinely like it. So I will withhold judgment until I actually attend one.

In the meantime though, I will laugh and laugh at this photo from the dog shaming site. I love how unrepentant the dog is. He’s just kind of sitting there like “Yeah, I peed on someone. That’s what I do when I’m nervous. This is not new information for you.” In my head I like to imagine this dog is an atheist and was pretty put out by the whole experience. Probably thought to himself, “You’ve blessed me, now allow me to bless you.”

And I also enjoy the thought that seminaries will have to start training pastors how to handle dogs. The idea of some professor saying, “Here’s how you want t bless a dog that looks like he wants to bite you,” is funny to me. That made me laugh inside of the part of my heart that’s not a very good Christian.

Have you heard of a pet blessing before?

 

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Mariah Carey vs. Amy Grant, who won?

Last week I asked you who had the best Christmas album, Mariah Carey or Amy Grant.

Well, the votes are in and you’re not going to believe how close it was!

Here are the results:

Can you believe that?

3 votes! Crazy.

Thanks for voting and I’m glad we settled that once and for all.

 

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5 ways to fight with your spouse while putting up a Christmas tree.

A few days ago, my kids got into a fight because one of them wouldn’t stop loudly singing “Last Christmas” by Wham.

Why did they fight? Because Acuffs.

But they are not alone in the reality of a good old fashioned Christmas argument. Turns out that putting up a Christmas tree is the holiday equivalent of hanging wallpaper with your spouse. (Few things make marriage as difficult as wallpaper.)

How do you enjoy this festive argument? Here are a few pointers.

1. If possible, get a real tree.

Nothing creates a good fight like adding a large, slowly dying part of the forest to your living room. First of all you have to decide which one. Then there are the needles, the freaking needles. Christmas tree needles are nature’s glitter. You will be cleaning needles up until July.

2. Put the tree in a difficult to reach room.

Aim for a room that requires many, many complicated maneuvers through narrows halls. Nothing will fire up a spouse like a great wall scrape when you carry in the tree. (Bonus points is you leave a trail of sap on the wall.)

3. Yell out instructions. Like Ross.

If your spouse isn’t carrying the tree correctly, yell the instructions louder. Like Ross in that episode of Friends when they were carrying the couch. (Pivot!) Screaming at your spouse is like “verbal mistletoe.” It really makes them want to make out with you. Trust me on this one.

4. Get a tree stand much smaller or larger than the actual tree.

You know who invented the tree stand? Satan. That’s who. I hate that guy so much.

5. Store all your lights in a squirrel nest tangle.

The minute Christmas is over, tie the strands of lights into knots even a sailor couldn’t figure out. That will make for an awesome fight next year.

Those are my 5 tips. They will undoubtedly lead to a real fight, not one of those fake Christian fights where the sun doesn’t go down on your anger. It will go down and so will you, on the couch.

Happy Holidays!

Jon

p.s. Have you ever argued with your spouse during Christmas?

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Being single during Christmas.

One of the most popular Stuff Christians Like posts of all time was #550. Surviving church as a single. But one time, a friend who is single came to town for the holidays and I realized I had missed whole chunks of awkwardness in describing the bottomless joy that is “Being single during Christmas at church.”

So instead of simply remixing an old post, I decided to create a holiday-focused scorecard. Think of it like a seasonal ale they put nutmeg in during January. It only comes around this time of year. Without further ado, I give you:

Being single during Christmas at church:

 1. Someone tells you, “It’s tough to be alone this time of year.” = +1 point

2. They pat your head while they say that. = +2 points

3. They slap your butt like a football player after saying it. = + creepy

4. With bated breath, they ask, “Should I put you down as +1 for the Christmas party this year?” = +2 points

5. You good friends hold secret “couples holiday dinners” they don’t invite you to because they don’t want you to feel awkward. = + 3 points

6. They wince when the world’s worst commercials, Jared’s jewelry, come on TV and some horrible actress gets engaged right in front of you. = +4 points

7. If you’re divorced they tell you, “I think this year you should really ‘focus on you.’” = +1 point

8. They try desperately to find the silver lining and say things like, “It must be nice not to have to shop for anyone. My husband is so hard to get gifts for!” = +2 points

9. When you tell them you’re OK being single during Christmas, they give you a look that says, “You are such a liar. It’s impossible to be happy and single during Christmas!” = +2 points

10. They feel slightly guilty for watching romantic Christmas movies in your presence, like “Love Actually.” = +3 points

11. Someone tells you, “Being single doesn’t have to mean being alone.” = +2 points

12. Your friends have stopped saying “When you get married” because they’re not sure you’ve got it in you. = +1 point

13. Your friends now say, “If you get married.” = +2 points

14. Your friends now give you the marriage kiss of death and simply say, “God willing.” = + 3 points

15. You are given some sort of cross stitched artwork that contains the verses from Proverbs 31 about how a woman should be. = +2 points

16. People tell you, “Maybe this will be your year” in the same tone baseball fans wonder if the Cubs will finally win the World Series this year. = +2 points

17. You attend a holiday themed church singles event that is billed as “Not just a Christian version of speed dating,” but is in fact, a Christian version of speed dating. = + 1 point

18. A friend emailed you the link to this post because they knew you needed it. = + 1 point

19. A friend emailed you the link to this post and suggested you troll the comments to find other like minded single people. = +2 points

20. A friend you only see once a year during the holidays, uses the S word when hearing you’re single. “Still?” = +1 point

21. People spend an exorbitant amount of time telling you marriage success stories, e.g. “The instant my friend Jill stopped looking for a boyfriend this incredible guy came along and swept her off her feet.” = + 1 point

22. You’re divorced and someone gives you the incredibly encouraging advice, “God will bring you someone who will overlook your past.” = + 2 points

23. This is the first Christmas you realized you officially crossed the age threshold. Instead of people saying, “You’re young, it will happen!” they now say, “Maybe you’re called to be single.” = +5 points

24. Someone makes a horrible joke about how this Christmas, you got the “gift of celibacy.” = +10 points

25. Married friends feel compelled to over tell you how difficult marriage is so that you don’t feel like it’s a winter wonderland of constant awesomeness. = +3 points

26. If you were given a kitten for Christmas people automatically think, “That was a doorway cat. You’re about to become the crazy cat lady.” = +5 points

27. For Christmas, someone gave you a book about dating that had a man or woman, alone on the cover staring out over a lonely windswept horizon, eating a Campbell’s soup for one, probably listening to the haunting melodies of George Winston. = +2 points

28. For Christmas, your friends bought you an annual pass to eharmony.com or another dating site. = + 5 points

29. They filled out your dating profile for you and made you sound 97% more awesome than you actually are. = +10 points

30. The profile photo they used on your dating page is at least 10 years old. = +20 points

31. At a Christmas party, someone tells you the wildly inappropriate compliment, “Where were you when I was single?” = + 2 points

32. People try to romanticize the tremendous amounts of free time you must have during the holidays without a family to bother you. = +3 points

Did I miss any? A lot of these were based on great reader comments, from folks like Ash and many others, so all the thanks go to them.

How did you score?

Have you ever heard anything like that?

What’s the craziest “single comment” you’ve heard?

 

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What’s the best Christmas album of all time?

Yesterday, my neighbor told me “Happy Holidays.” So I throat chopped him Liam Neeson style because he’s apparently part of the war on Christmas. After all, Christmas is about Christ and peace on earth and yelling at people.

Remember when the woman at the well told Jesus she wanted water and he screamed, “I am the Living Water, why are you part of the war on water?”

But that’s not the war I’m worried today.

Today I’d like to determine once and for all, what the best Christmas album of all time is.

I went ahead and narrowed it down to the two best:

Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas”

Amy Grant’s “A Christmas Album/Home for Christmas” (I consider them a double album, as you should as well.)

Here’s why either album is worthy of the title:

Amy Grant’s “A Christmas Album/Home for Christmas”

1. Look at the photo. Is there a more magical image in all of music? I don’t know where she is, but I assume she’s saying, “Hey Jon Acuff, want some hot chocolate?” And then I’d say, “I sure do Amy Grant!” (Me and Amy Grant always use our full names when we hang out.)

2. That’s the best sweater in the world. I’m pretty sure that came from the gift shop in Epcot’s Norway. (The one right after you ride the Maelstrom.)

3. Amy is Christian Royalty. It feels wrong to vote against her.

Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas.”

1. I don’t recognize her second album but I don’t need to because this whole album is fantastic. Most Christmas albums are one good song and then 10 duds. Not this one. I start listening to this one in November.

2. It’s hard to find a better version of “All I want for Christmas is you.” Don’t even bother looking.

3. There’s a pretty amazing reindeer in the video for the aforementioned song. Reindeer render most arguments invalid. I once even met one of the reindeer from the video. How do I know? The reindeer wrangler told me. (Admittedly, that’s a nearly impossible claim for me to verify.)

Now, the tough part. I’ve created a simple survey to see which song wins. We’ll take votes until Sunday night at midnight central time (God’s timezone.)

On Monday we will declare a winner. (You can also add a different album in the survey.)

Fill out the survey right here!

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