Jon Acuff's Blog, page 59

Apparently, that’s the wrong answer.

So it turns out the answer to this math problem was not, “The Eye of Sauron.”

For 113 more awesome Lord of the Rings jokes, follow my board, “Tom Bombadil’s Fridge.”

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Why do Christians lie so much?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this question lately. Why do we keep secrets? Why do we hide? Why do ministers fall? Why is the h word that people who don’t know Christ associate with people who do know Christ, “Hypocrite,” instead of “Honest?”

I think there are a host of reasons but there’s one that bothers me the most. My friend Reggie Joiner’s idea was actually the original spark for this. He’s some kind of super genius and runs the Orange Conference as well as an organization called Rethink.

He believes that sometimes the church just uses fun for outreach events. Once you’re in the church though, the fun is over. We’ll do crazy Vacation Bible Schools, community events and retreats, but once we’ve got you as members, the fun stops.

Now granted, your church is non-stop fun and this post is ridiculous for you. Fair enough, perhaps you go to one of those churches that constantly causes atheists to describe Christians as “hosts of the absolute best parties.” That might be happening in your zip code.

But the principle Reggie talks about is interesting and I think there’s an even more sinister version. Here it is:

Non Christians get grace. Christians get judgment.

I think far too often, if we’re gracious, we’re gracious to people who don’t believe and then judgmental to those who do.

Grace is an event that happens with salvation. But upon that moment, as you emerge new, you are expected to be new through and through.

It reminds me of the worship leader he told me he doesn’t sing the lyric “Prone to Wander” because he no longer is. He sings “Prone to Worship.” There’s this deep sense that our sinning days are over, our salvation days are here.

And that’s where lying comes in. Christians feel a need to be perfect and when they’re not, they feel the need to cover up. To hide what they’ve done or hide the fact that they’re still not the person they wanted to be by now. Pastors feel this pressure worst of all because leaders often worry that admitting any weakness calls into doubt all of their strengths.

We create shadow lives that shine on the outside, but crumble on the inside.

I don’t have an easy fix to this issue, but I will say I hope we’ll work on it.

When I became a Christian, I did not become immune to sin, I became in tune to how desperately I still needed grace.

Every day.

Grace is for non Christians.

Grace is for Christians too.

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Falling in love on a mission trip.

It’s practically a Christian law that if you go on a mission trip in high school or college, you have to fall in love with someone.

Don’t argue with me on this point. You buy a machete, a piece of art that proves you’ve been on a mission trip and fall in love. Then you promptly break up the day you get back.

I don’t care if you do, just promise me that you’ll wear this shirt which is based on this post I wrote.

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5 ways to write a Christian Twitter Profile.

One day, I looked up and realized I didn’t mention that I was a Christian in my Twitter bio.

I didn’t do this on purpose, but I have enjoyed the random doses of judgment about the state of my very soul this often earns me from other Christians.

Granted, about 50% of my tweets are about Jesus, but whatever, that doesn’t count. Realizing that, I started to research the most common ways to say, “I’m a Christian,” in a Twitter bio. Here is what I found:

1.The Emo Approach

Some people like to reiterate that they are the worst humans on the planet and in dire need of grace in their Twitter bio. These will say things like, “Dirty, broken, but forgiven” or, “Wretchedly in need of Christ’s beauty.” I kind of think of this what Paul’s twitter bio would have said, “Paul, formerly Saul (Please don’t follow that account anymore), chief of all sinners.”

2.Lord of the Ringsish

Some people prefer a little mystery in their bio so they say things that sound a little like something Aragorn might say: “Follower of the Way,” or “Crossing deep seas on dry land.” I like these, but always feel they should be ended by adding, “Winter is Coming.” (If you tell me that line is from another series I will laugh at you for doubting my nerd skills.)

3.Kinship

This one is probably the most common. Basically you say, “Daughter of the king” or “Son sitting by the throne.” Kind of the easy way to go and no one really spices it up. I’d like to see, “Brother of James” or “Playing racquetball with Samson.” Give me some flavor.

4.Old School DC Talk

If you listened to the best album DC Talk ever released you already know exactly what I am going to say. “Jesus Freak!” This is a pretty good angle to go with in Twitter.

5.Bible Verse

Forget saying you’re a Christian, just drop your favorite Bible verse. Oh, you want to read my bio? Philippians 4:13, mic drop. End scene like Eminem at the end of 8 Mile. Done son.

I am cool with all of those, but I recently saw one that topped them all.

I am not making this up. This is my favorite one:

Sister, friend & representative of the Lion of Judah

I like it for a few obvious reasons. First of all, they sucker punch you at the end of the statement. They woo you to sleep with some very boring sounding titles. Sister, friend, even representative is dull. And then? Wham! In your face! I represent a lion!

The second reason I like this is that the phrase “representative of the Lion of Judah” is pretty amazing. It sounds kind of like you’re his personal assistant. I see someone in a power suit walking up to a hostess at a restaurant and saying, “Do you have the table ready for the Lion of Judah? He prefers a booth.” Gold!

How about you though?

What does your Twitter bio say? (Post it in the comments!)

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8 Uncomfortable Prayer Moments

(It’s guest post Friday! This one is from Robyn Adams. For more great writing from her, check out her Living the Simple Life Now. If you’d like to write one too, submit it here.)

Prayer meetings are a great thing! My husband has been in the ministry for 12 years and I have been to many of them. Most turn out great. They are a meaningful time spent with God. Prayers shared among believers. Bonds are created. What could be better at church?

But, there are those moments when things get a little uncomfortable. What started out with good intentions has somehow turned “awkward.” There are many ways this can happen. Here are 8 of my “favorite” just plain “weird” prayer moments I’ve experienced as a pastor’s wife.

1.) When 2 people start praying at the same time and both stop, neither sure if they should start again. (Insert uncomfortable silence.) Who should start again? It’s always a mystery.

2.) There are those moments that start out innocently enough. But then someone gives a prayer request, only to reveal a piece of juicy gossip while doing so. The “victim” is typically not present. You hear a few gasps from the prayer group. The next time you see the “victim,” you are unsure how to react or what to say to them. Do you mention it and say you are praying for them? Do you warn them that the entire prayer group knows their “secret.” There are no easy answers here.

3.) Sometimes a prayer request turns into a “lack of humility” moment for the prayer. I don’t think it’s intentional. They just get caught up in the moment. We were once in a church service we attended regularly and the lady praying thanked God that our church was “the friendliest church in town.” First, it wasn’t true, the church was notorious for not welcoming visitors. Second, it’s as if you are calling yourself “humble.” It’s not really something you say about yourself.

It’s like Numbers 12:3 where it says, “Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.” While Moses is the accepted author of Numbers, we can be pretty confident that Moses didn’t pen that part, right?

4.) There are also those moments when a prayer request turns into a sermon. A very long sermon. I’ve never figured out how to handle these. Since my husband is the pastor and typically gives the sermons, I can’t figure out if these people just have something to get off their chests or have “job envy.” Maybe a little of both?

5.) Nothing is more humiliating than when you are called on to pray and you can’t remember a single prayer request just given. It’s time for a “blanket prayer” and hope no one notices!

6.) There are also those times when someone gives a prayer request for themselves for an upcoming surgery or other medical procedure that involves a part of the body that should probably be left unmentioned in a prayer meeting. We’ve been a part of several older congregations and prayed for more than our fair share of prostate problems!

7.) There’s one in every congregation. They are the “quiet prayer.” This often leaves you forced to “peek” to see if the prayer is over. It’s never easy to determine when and if the time is appropriate. You don’t want to be the one still standing in prayer when everyone is moving about their business. But you also don’t want to be seen with your eyes open during prayer by another “peeker” and look less spiritual.

8.) When a prayer is so long  you start to doze off. Then you must determine what to do to keep yourself awake without disturbing your neighbor. Or, even worse, letting them know you are having trouble staying awake!

I’ve been present when someone gives a prayer request that belongs more in a confessional than in an open prayer meeting. Once the person sitting next to me requested, “Please pray that I will stop shop lifting.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that person after prayer time. So I did the next best thing: I gave them a hug!

Prayer meetings are a great thing! But there are those moments, if you’ve been to many prayer meetings, that can get a little “uncomfortable.” When these happen, just chuckle to yourself. (Really, I’m serious, just do it to yourself!) I’m pretty sure God is grinning during some of them, too!

Have you ever had an uncomfortable prayer moment?

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Google Juke!

Oh, you use Google? I use the Alpha and Omega. Whaevs.

(I know God is all knowing, but tomorrow, instead of using Google, try just asking God for the Williamson County Rec Center hours and telephone number. Let me know how that works out you jukester.)

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The word that holds us back.

There is nothing special about January 1.

As a day, it’s not really different than any other day.

It holds no special power or ability that other days do not possess.

And yet, it tends to be the day of the year we all dare to try new things. We launch adventures, set resolutions and hope for something different this year. I do the same thing and over the years I’ve learned a lot about what holds me back from actually doing something.

More than anything, I struggle with the fear of regret.

What if I make a decision and I regret it?

What if I choose the wrong thing and I regret it?

What if things don’t turn out the right way and I regret it?

Fictional regret often cripples us from factual action.

Future regret paralyzes our present.

But here’s something I feel like God asked me once when it comes to regret:

“Am I not more powerful than regret?”

That’s a simple question, but at the heart of it is a problem. When you are afraid you might make a mistake you act as if God is not in the business of redeeming mistakes. You act as if you could make a mistake he could not handle. You act as if God is smaller than your mistakes.

He’s not. He’s awful big.

Bigger than mistakes.

Bigger than failure.

And yes, bigger than regret.

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Praying your kids don’t have another snow day.

(This is a guest post from @JennyAcuff.)

I don’t guest post a lot on Jon’s blogs. (I have a different dream I’m working on right now.)

But occasionally I do, and in this particular case, I need to make a confession.

As I write this, our school district has not announced whether our kids will go to school today (Tuesday). Other counties have. Other districts are closed to Wednesday. Do you know why ours is still open?

The power of prayer.

Specifically mine.

I know, I know, I’m a horrible mom. But hear me out for a second.

We are on day 15 of Christmas vacation. We have spent hours and hours in the same car driving about the Southeast. We are arguing about anything that dares make eye contact with us. We are now at the stage of parenting called “I love my kids, but I’d like them to go to school for a few hours.” Not forever, just a day or two. If they want to cancel school on Friday, go for it. The Acuffs will be back in the swing of things by then.

But as for now, I will hold my prayer vigil that our school district has the fortitude to buck the trend of snow days.

Put a scarf on them. Make them a peanut butter sandwich and release the children back into school!

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Amazing Lord of the Rings & Muppets mashup.

I have a board on Pinterest called “Tom Bombadil’s Fridge.” If you are a dork like me, you will immediately get the reference and should follow it immediately. This is the kind of stuff I pin. I don’t know who created it, but well done!

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How to prank a Christian.

A friend sent me this photo. I like that one kid got the Biblical name, “Luke” and the other kid got “TJ.” That T better stand for “Titus” and the J for “Judah,” instead of the parents just being huge “TJ Hooker” fans. I digress.

What’s important is that I think it represents a brilliant prank opportunity.

How awesome would it be to get a bunch of Jesus stick figure stickers and then secretly place them on every stick figure family at church?

One by one, each Sunday morning as you walk into church, just quietly place stick figure Jesus onto the back of unsuspecting cars. I wouldn’t do this to complete strangers at the mall because that would kind of be like a Jesus sneak attack.

The funny part would be seeing how long it took people to notice and if they would remove it when they did. I think if you’re a Christian you can’t remove a Jesus sticker. That’s in the Bible somewhere. Google it up.

And then, once you’ve done that to all your friends, you start to add accessories. Like a whip for overturning the temple or a tiny little wave so he could walk on water. I’m just spitballing here people.

My question to you is, do you have a stick figure family on your car? If so, is there room for Jesus in your heart (and your rear windshield)?

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