Jon Acuff's Blog, page 55

Beware the pastor with no backstop.

One day, I asked my buddy which church service he went to, the 9:30 or the 11:00.

Instantly he said, “The 9:30.”

I asked him why and he replied, “At the 11, the pastor has no backstop.”

Although he was using the wall behind a catcher that stops the baseball in an unusual way, I knew exactly what he meant. At the last service of the day, the pastor has no governor. There is no other service waiting to start. There is no satellite uplink or next commitment that must be filled. It’s just all sermon, all day.

I get it. At 99% of the conferences I speak at they give me a hard finish time. There’s literally a clock that turns to angry red that I can see if I go over. And there should be, they have a whole day of other speakers that need the stage time. (I once learned this simple lesson, “Never follow a gospel singer with an active crowd.” That dude turned a 3 verse song into 27 minutes beyond his allotted time. I basically had time to get up and say, “Jesus loves you. Good night.”)

Now it would be easy to say, “If the pastor goes long that’s just the Holy Spirit showing up.” That might happen sometimes but what are we really saying? The Holy Spirit doesn’t attend the early service? The Holy Spirit likes to sleep in? Maybe get some sort of complicated coffee first from “The Father, Son and Holy Roast?”

Perhaps, but you’ve been warned. If us speakers don’t have a backdrop, we’re going old school, long form, good luck playing Oscar music to get us off the stage.

Question:

Without naming names or churches, have you ever had a pastor turn a single sermon into a long form revival?

 

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Dear haters, an apology letter.

Dear haters,

Over the last three years I’ve written a lot about haters. I’ve done this in part because it’s weird to have strangers hate you.

It’s strange that people who have never met you, talked to you, texted with you, skyped with you or had any other personal interaction with you attack you personally. That’s a new thing too. For years, we’ve been able to privately hate people in the comfort of our own homes. But for the first time in the history of mankind, we are able to publicly share our hatred without leaving home or writing a editorial in the newspaper.

Talk radio might have provided some access to this activity, but you only had a 1 in 100 shot of actually getting on the air and they cut you off quickly. Now though, we get to roll around in the mud of our cynicism for as long and as often as we want.

But there’s a problem, one that’s been pointed out to me by a few people.

People who disagree with you are not always haters. Most of the time they are just people who disagree with you.

There’s a massive difference. Just because we have different opinions does not make you a hater. It makes you a person who has a different opinion.

I’ve wrongly labeled people as haters who weren’t and I’ve contributed to one of culture’s biggest mistakes. Right now, our culture offers two options, wildly agree with everything I agree with or be labeled a hater. There’s no “debate and love,” option on the table anymore and that’s a shame.

So today, I apologize. I unfairly judged people who disagreed with me as haters. I regret that.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that only about 10% of the people who criticize me are really haters. And for those folks I will continue to write things like this. (A hater being someone who wants to create a wound not a conversation, who wants to attack an individual as opposed to discussing an idea.)

I’ll do better going forward, but in the meantime, thanks for having an opinion different than mine.

Jon

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Wolf therapy. Yes, wolf therapy.

Over the years, I’ve blogged a number of times about counseling. I’m a fan and have benefited from it both as an individual and a couple.

Yesterday, my friend Angie Smith sent me these photos. It’s from an ad for a new service called “Wolf Therapy.”

I have so many questions.

I myself am more a Kodiak Grizzly therapy guy, but you say tomato.

I’ve honestly heard great things about dog therapy and completely understand that these are wolfdogs, not purebred wolves. My friend has a couple of wolfdogs and says they are wonderful pets. But there’s still something pretty amazing about the phrase “wolf therapy.”

The bio of one of the beast therapists is pretty awesome as well.

 There are three things that jump out at me are:

1. Some family thought it was a good idea to send their kid to college with a wolfdog. Can you imagine being that kid’s roommate? “Hey, I’m Tim! I brought a TV for our dorm. What did you bring?”

2. The wolfdog is able to read people’s emotions. Me too, that’s pure terror you’re reading.

3. That is the scariest picture ever.

If this is your company, I honestly think it’s awesome that you’re trying alternative approaches to therapy. Bravo. And I hope you have a sense of humor. I try to never offend someone who access to wolves.

As a reader, do you have any questions about wolf therapy?

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The civil war in London.

A friend of mine recently moved to Jordan to work with Syrian refugees. This video, comprised of one second clips, reminded me why it’s so important that he and many others continue to do things like that.

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7 ways to give up the Internet for Lent.

In case you hadn’t heard, Lent started. And do you know what’s the number 1 thing people will be giving up, based on a short survey I made up in my head? The Internet.

Mark my words: The only thing Christians like more than the Internet is taking a break from it. A digital fast if you will, where you swear off the Internet or a particular flavor of social media for a prolonged period of time. (The irony is that if you are on a digital fast right now you won’t be able to read my helpful article about it. Have a heathen friend read it to you.)

Since you missed the start of Lent, maybe instead you can do a good old-fashioned digital fast. (By “old” I mean circa 2007, which in Internet time is approximately 87 years ago.) But how do you do it? What are the rules? How do you take a really good, really helpful digital fast? The Bible is very thin on the best way to wean yourself off a Twitter addiction. Not once does Peter say, “Follow me on Twitter, I’m @Rock.” Or better yet for all you old school rap fans out there, “@PeteRock.”

So today, in case you’re curious about starting a digital fast, I thought it might be good to review the 7 steps:

Step 1: Go online crazy.

Unless you’re online all the time, it’s really not a big, dramatic deal for you to go offline. So the first thing you’re going to want to do is make sure you’re online 24 hours a day. Tweet everything that happens to you, no matter how insignificant. “Just ate a sandwich. Ever thought about that word? It has ‘sand’ in it. That would be gross if they really have sand in them.” Change your Facebook status roughly every 90 seconds. Update your blog as frequent as Lowell said something dumb in the television program Wings. (Old school topical!)

Step 2: Write a blog post about taking a digital fast.

The irony of writing online about how you are going to take some time from being online is so rich that it’s like a delicious sandwich spread made of boysenberry and irony. Technically, the Bible says we’re not supposed to tell people when we fast. Maybe posts on your blog don’t count. Maybe.

Step 3: Start a Twitter countdown.

You might have missed the start of Lent, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start your own digital fast next week. Every day, in the week leading up to your digital fast, tell people how many days until you take your digital fast. Or start a group on Facebook called “Friends taking a break from Facebook.” The goal is to make sure you get as much attention possible about your very private, very personal digital fast.

Step 4: Go offline.

For a predetermined amount of time, just log off. Don’t check email or fantasy sports scores or Facebook or anything else. And say things like this to your friends: “Oh man, I know how smokers feel when they quit. This is hard.”

Step 5: After a week, go back online.

Make a triumphant return. Maybe write a blog with a headline from Eminem, “Guess who’s back, back again? Guess who’s back? Tell a friend!” Jump back online with both feet.

Step 6: Share the valuable lessons you learned while on your digital fast.

Turn three days offline into 10 days of blog material. Try to use the words, “community” and “fellowship” a lot, as if you suddenly discovered the real meaning of those during your 72-hour hiatus. If possible, post photos of you doing non-digital things, like flying a kite or making a sailboat or getting cats out of trees for people in your neighborhood.

Step 7: Return right back to your pre-digital fast amount of online consumption.

This wasn’t about learning or praying or anything like that. This was about digital showmanship. You were like an Internet David Blaine holding your breath offline for three days straight. Return to the Internet like David Blaine would return to dating models after a three-day hiatus in a solid block of ice.

Hopefully, these steps will help you with your first digital fast. I can’t wait to read all about it online and in the email newsletter you create. Just promise me you won’t do what my friends who are actually giving up the Internet for Lent are doing. Praying, being contemplative, serving people, having long conversations where you actually talk to the people you’re with, instead of texting other people you’re not with! There was no drama in either of those decisions. Where’s the fun in that?

Have you or a friend ever taken a digital fast?

Did you give something up for Lent?

(This is a Throwback Thursday post from a few years ago.)

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17 questions for online church.

Streaming your church service online right now is very popular right now. Why? Because Internet.

But we’re still working out a lot of the kinks. There are still questions. Lots of them, like these:

1. If I’m watching a sermon online and I open up another window and answer some emails at the same time, is that a sin? Isn’t that the cyber equivalent of doodling in your bulletin? If I have a really big monitor, does that change your answer?

2. What if the emails are from people I’m in a Bible Study with, so technically speaking, I’m participating in fellowship? I’m not multitasking, we’re doing life together!

3. Do I have to stand up when the worship leader calls us to our feet? If you’re my neighbor and you’re walking your dog, is it weird seeing me stand up and down in my living room?

4. If I don’t like the worship songs that day, can I DJ myself with some songs I like from iTunes?

5. If I have a bad connection or the wrong version of flash or my computer crashes, is it safe to assume that I can blame that on the devil? If so, can I put him on notice?

6. How long can I pause the sermon, go do chores/answer the phone/find more comfortable socks to wear etc. and then come back without it seeming like I’ve left church?

7. There are only two occasions in which I wear a belt: A business meeting at work where I want to look smart and church. Do I have to wear a belt to attend online church?

8. Is it weird if I’m still shy about singing with my hands raised during online church? Should I still be doing the ninja in my own home? Is that something a counselor can help me with?

9. If I watch the sermon on a podcast, do you mind if I fast forward through the first few minutes of the sermon where you recap last week’s message for the people that weren’t there? I was there. I remember. I don’t need the recap.

10. Someone once told me they consider eating at Chick-Fil-A to be tithing. Now that I’m using my computer to attend church, can I consider a new Mac purchase to be like one big, silvery cool tithe?

11. Will you please not cut off the podcast before or in the middle of the closing prayer? People at home like closing prayers too. (I’m talking to you Matt Chandler.)

12. Is there anyway that you could create a frame around the video player that has a graphic of someone giving someone else a back massage during church, someone coughing and the heads of the tall family I inevitably manage to sit behind every Sunday so that the experience will feel more authentic?

13. If you ask us to hold hands with the person next to us for the closing prayer, should I extend my hands out like a mime, or instead hold my own hand?

14. Can you please stop telling me hello at the beginning? I know you know I’m here online. You built an entire website, hired a streaming company, timed your sermon perfectly and told me that this was available. At this point, I am well aware that you like me and know I exist. We’re good.

15. What do we do we communion? You can’t make communion jokes. That’s in the book of Joel, so I’m just going to leave it right there.

16. Should I mill about in the foyer of our house with my family to recreate the after church conversations you always have.

17. I usually lose a fair amount of the grace I gained in the sermon trying to get out of the church parking lot. To recreate that, should I just go sit in my car in the driveway and yell a little?

Those are the questions I have.

Does your church have an online version?

Would you have asked something different than me?

What do you do online when it comes to church? Blogs? Podcasts? Video sermons?

Are you currently doing anything church related online?

So many questions!

What would you ask your pastor about online church?

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What to do if someone doesn’t use enough Bible in their communications.

Sometimes people will tell me they switched churches because they “weren’t being fed enough meat.”

Other times people will tell me a book they read didn’t include enough scripture.

Occasionally I’ll hear people criticize friends’ blogs for not talking about God explicitly enough.

Whenever someone tells me something like this I immediately think to myself:

“You would have hated Jesus.”

Seriously, have you read the parables? Talk about lacking meat! Talents? You’re telling me about talents? Give me some OT! And don’t get me started on the good Samaritan.

The worst of all is the prodigal son. God doesn’t even make a cameo. Sure, I guess I could infer the father is like our father God, but I don’t do “infer.” Inferring is a slippery slope to storytelling. And storytelling might lead to art which is usually pleasing to the eye first and functional second, which is horrible and kind of exactly what God did with the Garden of Eden in Genesis 2:9.

The truth is, we have a God who loves art and storytelling and subtlety and directness and the swirl of honest communication. Will there be times when we have meat and Bible verse after verse? I sure hope so. Will there be other times when we have art? I sure hope so.

Don’t fight the idea of poetry and beauty and storytelling. There’s a guy in the Bible who didn’t and I really like him.

His name was Jesus.

 

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Sitting next to someone with a cold at church.

A few weeks ago, the person next to me at church didn’t have a nose.

They just had a faucet that was continually dripping extras from that Mucinex commercial. (Grossest mascot ever.)

They were also doing “sprinkler coughing.” That’s where you rotate your coughs from side to side, covering the most square foot radius with your germs like a sprinkler across a lawn.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Jesus loved the lepers.”

That’s a good point, and I thought about it. Jesus was a friend and fan of the sick, but is there any Biblical proof that he sat next to one of them at church? Is there a scene from the Sermon on the Mount where he’s sitting in the crowd? Maybe Peter is introducing him, “Back from a 40 day tour in the desert, here for a very limited engagement, you’ve seen him walk on water, know he heals the sick, help me give a warm mount welcome to Jesus!”

And Jesus fist bumps that sick guy next to him, stands up and grabs the mic. Did that happen? Because otherwise I feel like this situation is not directly addressed. You can’t move seats either. That’s super rude if you have a small church.

I ended up staying there and just started wearing a feedbag of grapefruits and oranges around the house the rest of the day. Regardless, I didn’t do what a different lady at church did to me one day. During the middle of the sermon, she reached over and handed me a kleenex.

Don’t confuse that with compassion. If I had asked for a kleenex, that was compassion. Since I didn’t, the goal of that kleenex was simple, “Shut up. You are ruining the Jesus with all your coughing.”

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5 things I’ll be tweeting about now that the Olympics are over.

As some of you know, saying many felt too many, I’ve been live tweeting the Olympics via @JonAcuff. Not all of them, there are only so many things I can say about the biathlon. Such as, “Have you ever noticed they don’t have those Ameritrade ads that show home footage of the Olympians growing up as kids for biathletes?”

But now that the Olympics are over, what will I be live tweeting? I have five options:

1. The Costume Designers’ Guild Awards.

Sure, they were held yesterday, but that just means I have a whole year to get ready. Right now all I have is, “Wow, that dress is pretty!” So I probably need the year to get my tweets together.

2. My search for Bigfoot.

If someone is willing to renew a show called “Finding Bigfoot” that is currently 0 for every episode as far as finding bigfoot goes, certainly I can live tweet my search. Here’s a sample tweet, “Man, I bet bigfoot is in these woods. I mean probably. He loves woods.” (I might title the show, “Bigfoot is not in this freakin’ forest.”)

3. Is that a famous person drinking coffee next to me?

This is a very popular game to play in Nashville. It involves quietly staring at people you think might be famous while they drink coffee at a hipster coffee shop. Riveting stuff really.

4. Kiss Jenny on the mouth.

My wife Jenny Acuff hates public displays of affection. So often, when we are in public, I like to play a game called “Can I kiss Jenny on the mouth without her hitting me?” It’s a dangerous game.

5. Just live my life.

This is definitely a viable option. I could go outside, let the sun land on my pale, Twitter skin, breathe fresh air. That kind of thing.

All that to say, even thought the Olympics are ending. I have options.

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Armadillo dancing to Billie Jean.

Yes, you read that title correctly. This is 15 of the most delightful seconds of video you will ever see. Why did I post it on Stuff Christians Like? Because I’m pretty sure that armadillo is a Calvinist.

Or because I like what I do. I do what I like. I could quit and get it back like I’m riding a bike. Or to put it less lyrically, because I like posting things that made me laugh. And this did.

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