Jon Acuff's Blog, page 51

How to write an amazing Christian passive aggressive note.

Someone sent me a picture of a sign they saw in a church.

It is perhaps the greatest Christian passive aggressive note I have ever seen in my life. Since we Christians are so into “teachable moments” I thought I might be able to redeem this but turning it into a teaching tool. Let’s do life together. We’re in a season. We should sit in circles not rows!

Sorry, I get a little carried away when I start down the path of the ole Christian conversation.

Here is how to write an amazing Christian passive aggressive note.

1. CAPS. YOU GOTTA GO WITH CAPS. You know who loves lower case? The devil. How do I know? Because hell is lower than heaven.

2. Start off by calling people “servants.” Come right out of the gate with a strong reminder that this note is not addressed to church members, it’s addressed to “servants.” How are you going to argue with whatever is in the note after that title? What you’re not a servant? Oh, you’re too good to be a servant?

3. If at all possible, get Jesus in the first sentence.

4. Put him in twice in the first sentence if you can and looking at this note, they could.

5. Three times if you want to slap the reader just they think it’s over. I love the completely unexpected … for walking with Jesus. Always come back to Jesus. We’re not thanking you for cleaning up like the disciples did when they had to pick up all those fish and loaves. We’re thanking you for walking with Jesus.

6. Do not worry at all about spacing or fonts or punctuation.

7. Throw a Bible verse in at the end. The one they used here is actually a curious choice because it’s about complaining. One could easily argue that the passive aggressive note is a form of complaining. That’s actually black belt note writing right there. They used a verse against the reader of the note before the reader could use it against the writer of the note. Brilliant. Bonus points for using a verse that makes it impossible for servants to complain. “See right there in the Bible? Says you can’t complain! Boom! Shot blocked your complaint with a Bible verse!”

A lot of people would instead suggest that you actually be in community with other people. That you write short, clear notes that don’t shame people but instead encourage everyone to pitch in. But that approach can take forever. It’s a lot faster and easier to skip that whole “be in messy relationships with people who are imperfect just like you” thing and instead write a passive aggressive note.

I appreciate you reading this blog post. Thanks … for walking with Jesus.

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My new favorite license plate.

I have no proof that the owners of the car I am about to show you are Christians.

They didn’t have an official “Jesus fish” or Ichthus on the back. Although, that symbol usually doesn’t mean Christian, it means, “Worst driver ever.” If you’ve never been cut off by a Christian you have never driven in the Bible Belt.

I can’t prove they are Christian or homeschool or any number of other things that might qualify them to be a topic on Stuff Christians Like. But they are stuff and I do like them, which means they fulfill 66% of the criteria and if I hit .660 in baseball I wouldn’t have spent so much time on the bench in little league.

All that to say, well done owners of this vehicle.

If you’re going to have a 15 person van for your family …

If you’re to have a ton of kids …

If you’re going to go on epic family vacations and drive by a blogger, embrace the adventure and get this license plate:

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29 ways to plan the ultimate Christian Wedding.

This is a picture of a picture from my wedding. We didn’t take it with a camera phone because they didn’t exist at the time. Though it’s not throwback Thursday, I thought I would share both proof I used to have brown hair and a post I wrote about how to plan the ultimate Christian wedding.

I know a lot about weddings. I used to write advertising for a company that specialized in rental tuxedos. One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called “Jenny.” So on any given day I was emailing wedding advice to anxious would be brides about everything from what color cummerbunds would match a bridesmaid’s dress to how to politely ask groomsmen to pay for their own tuxes.

The idea of me giving girls advice about color schemes and wedding dresses is absurd. I was horrible at that part of my job and I regret if you ever got some ridiculous email signed by “Jenny.” That was me. I thought chocolate was going to be the new black and coral was darker than salmon. My bad.

But despite my woeful color schemes, I do think I can help you plan the ultimate Christian wedding. I’ve been in a few, I’ve spoken at a few and I’ve been married for 13 years. Plus, after “Surviving Church as a Single” became one of the biggest posts ever on Stuff Christians Like I felt like the married readers needed some love too. Without further ado, I give you:

The Ultimate Christian Wedding Scorecard

1. You have someone read a Bible verse at your wedding. = +1 point for each verse

2. You have someone read 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient at your wedding = +2 points

3. You have someone read verses from Song of Solomon in the message version of the Bible and the verses sound vaguely like a Prince lyric and somehow include the phrase, “let’s make out.” = +3 points

4. The person you ask to read the verse is not a Christian and your primary purpose in asking them is that you hope that touching the Bible will rub off on them via osmosis. = +1 point

5. You do a unity candle. = +2 points

6. You weave three ribbons (representing you, your spouse and God) into a single strand that cannot be torn asunder. = +2 points

7. You refuse to hold a bachelor party because they’re evil. = +1 point

8. You hold a bachelor party but call it a “guys that love Jesus golfing together party” = +3 points

9. The pastor that does your ceremony cracks a joke about sex = +3 points for every joke

10. You and your spouse take communion during the ceremony = +3 points

11. You and everyone at the wedding take communion during the ceremony = +4 points

12. You take a love offering during the ceremony = – 3 points

13. The pastor mentions the “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” principle = + 1 point

14. You have a live bird of prey at the podium with you and your bride in order to symbolize the “mount up like eagles” Bible verse = +10 points

15. You receive a, “As for me and my house” plaque for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

16. You receive a Thomas Kinkade painting for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

17. You receive the first 15 volumes of the Left Behind book series in a commemorative wheelbarrow because the girth of that many books is physically staggering = +5 points

18. You don’t have dancing at the reception because it’s held in a church and that church doesn’t approve of dancing and you miss your chance to dance, dance, dance the night away Jon Acuff. = -1 point

19. You have dancing at the reception and your grandmother gets on the floor and dances to Fergie’s song “Fergilicious,” Bennett Acuff (my little brother) = +1 million points

20. At any point during the ceremony a Shofar horn makes a cameo = + 1 point

21. The favor you give everyone is a Bible = +3 points

22. The Bibles are Gideon editions you stole from the hotel all the guests are staying at. = -4 points

23. Your pastor can’t resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point

24. Your pastor asks you to take a seat for a minute so that people have room to come forward for the altar call. = +2 points

25. Your pastor mentions the phrase “covenant relationship” = + 2 points for each use

26. Your pastor tells the story of Adam and Eve = +3 points

27. Your pastor highlights the ever controversial verses about “wives submitting to their husband” = +1 point

28. Your aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this = – 2 points

29. The church you get married in lets you know upfront that they only allow “sacred music” and if you get married there you better expect the organ to be the main instrument used. = +3 points

0 – 10 Points = Not a big fan of God huh? Didn’t feel like inviting Him to your wedding? Didn’t think you could find a tux big enough for Him? Interesting.

11-20 Points = I don’t want to call you “lukewarm” but it’s possible you registered for gifts at that store, “I’m kind of a Christian.”

21+ Points = Welcome to the big leagues. Your wedding is just like church except there’s cake at the end. Onward Christian soldier.

How did you score? I hit over 30 because we got married at a conservative church in Atlanta.

How about you?

What other Christian wedding staples did I miss?

What did you do at your wedding or weddings you’ve been to?

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Cynicism is a shield. Hope is a hammer.

This is a verse I started carrying in my pocket last week.

Here are a few things I think about it.

1. “Taste,” seems like an invitation or a dare. I dare you to try. I dare you to believe for just a second. To not get wrapped up in every bad experience you’ve had with fake Christians or mean churches or any of the clutter that can accompany Christianity. Just taste.

2. “see that the Lord is good,” is one of the hardest things for me to believe sometimes. In my head I know it. I believe he is good, but there are days when I struggle to accept that. To rest in that, to let my guard down and be still in that. I think I’m often afraid that to believe he is good is to be too vulnerable. Cynicism is a shield. Hope is a hammer because it means knocking down the walls you built up to protect yourself from life’s disappointments.

3. “blessed in the one who takes refuge in him,” I like what this doesn’t say. It doesn’t read, “blessed is the one who fixes himself.” It doesn’t say, “blessed is the one with a life so perfect they don’t need refuge.” It says “blessed is the one who takes refuge in him,” as in, “You’re going to need refuge. Life is going to have situations that require you to take refuge, the need for refuge is not failure, it is reality. But be blessed, for there is a place to go.”

That’s what I read in this verse.

What do you read?

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How to Hillbilly Up a Worship Song.

A few weeks ago, I made fun of my friend Sojourner because he wore a tiger shirt on stage. I teased him because I was jealous that he could pull off a shirt with a full tiger face with no degree of irony. He is simply that cool. He didn’t even reference the shirt during the announcements he was reading from stage.

I am not nearly that cool. Even saying the phrase “Snapback” in reference to a hat seems like something I am not cool enough to do.

In retaliation, he bought me a shirt, the majesty of which is probably going to explode your computer. I have named it “Freedom,” here it is:

There are three things I find curious about this shirt:

1. How closely they cropped in on the face.

I wish I could have been in that design meeting when the client kept yelling at the artist, “Closer, closer, closer! Crop it tighter on the eagle’s face!”

2. The colors do run.

3. It says, “Do not iron.”

I would love to meet the person who thinks, “If I have a night out on the town with Freedom, I want it to look crisp! Better get out the iron!”

I’ve been wearing it all summer at BigStuf camps and taking some epic photos with people. Like this one:

How ‘Merica is that?

Bacon and Freedom!

Upon seeing the shirt, my friend Ben Snider confessed one of his favorite games to play as a worship leader. He didn’t have an official name for it, so I’ll just call it “How to Hillbilly Up a Worship song.”

The game is easy to play.

Step one: Take your favorite worship song.

Step two: Change the words, “Our” and “Your” in the lyrics to the word “Y’all’s.”

Step three: Sing the song.

It might not seem like fun, but I promise, it’s delightful. Watch:

“Our God Reigns” becomes “Y’all’s God Reigns.”

“How Great is Our God” becomes “How Great is Y’all’s God.”

“Blessed Be Your Name” becomes “Blessed Be Y’all’s Name.”

I could do this all day, but you get the point. It’s delightful! It helps if you sing it with a little twang, (As if you are gargling with sweet tea) and don’t turn it into a theological discussion about the trinity. (Is the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, technically a “y’all?”)

What’s one worship song or lyric you’d like to hillbilly up? Share it in the comments!

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Well actually, the Sabbath is Saturday.

It’s hard to believe that the World Cup is almost over. Soon we’ll have to say goodbye to loads of games, exciting international play, and … the friend who tells you to call it “football” not “soccer.” I love this friend, but only if they call the NFL, “American football.” And they better call the field “the pitch” and be able to name a player other than Ronaldo. If you’re going to chastise me for saying the word “soccer” which is Greek for “seriously, why are we arguing about this over a veggie plate at a World Cup party,” you need to fully commit. (Yes I know that FIFA has the word Football in it and if it was soccer it would be called “FISA” which kind of sounds like VISA’s crazy cousin who makes questionable tattoo decisions and lives by the beach.)

I have friends who do the same exact thing when it comes to the Sabbath. They couldn’t tell you a single thing about the Bible or Jesus or God or anything remotely spiritual. But if you ever say, “This Sunday, I’m going to really focus on living according to the Sabbath” they will instantly blurt out, “Well actually, the Sabbath is a Saturday.”

It’s one of those Christian technicalities we love to be right about. Like arguing about tithing gross or net or the most accurate version of the Bible or whether the wine Jesus made from water was actually wine or just special, completely different, New Testament style, grape juice not Cab.

And if you’re one of the readers that posted a comment or emailed me about which day the Sabbath is, we’re still friends. I love that you’re even reading and taking the time to connect. I hope someday we get to watch some futbol together.

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The “everyone is on vacation, anything goes church service,” AKA tomorrow.

(I can’t believe we’ve been kicking around this site for 6 years. It’s become a tradition that 4th of July weekend I repost the piece that started the Skittles running joke and let the cat out of the bag about how church is going to be. Consider this your guide to what’s going to happen at your church tomorrow if you live in the United States.)

It is a poorly kept secret that the weekend before or after a big holiday, your church is going to do things a little differently than on most Sundays. That is, with a large portion of the congregation out on vacation, they’re going to mix it up a little.

For instance, at a lot of churches, the younger ministers are always asked to preach the day before Memorial Day. Senior pastors know that it’s a lot safer to have some rough-around-the-edges minister saying something crazy to 400 people than 800 people. Same goes with music. Go tomorrow (in the United States) and you’re bound to see some guy who’s always been in the background step forward for a totally unexpected guitar solo. Or a woman that’s always wanted to lead worship will suddenly be behind the mic for the first time.

I call it “Vacation Weekend Syndrome” or VWS. (Not to be confused with DVS)

And because I am a huge dork, I thought I would offer 8 ways your church can spice up tomorrow and avoid VWS:

1. Controversy

Since a lot of folks won’t be in church because they are out on vacation, use this opportunity to address all of the most controversial issues. Talk about politics, popular books, and anything else that otherwise would get the crowd riled up and upset. That way, whenever someone says, “I wish this church was not so seeker-focused and dealt with some of the tough issues,” you can reply, “You must have not been here for obamadrugssex Sunday.”

2. Snakes

Ever thought about incorporating some pit vipers into your service? Why not on the Sunday when everyone is out of town? I don’t know where you can buy a “bag o’ rattlers” but surely someone near you sells poisonous snakes. By the way, I don’t mean to be selfish, but it would really help me out if someone could invite me to a church service where they handled snakes. I’m dying to write about that but won’t unless I’ve actually gone to a service.

3. Church Sumo Wrestling

At every church there are little church politics that no one wants to talk about. The worship minister wants to do more modern songs than the pastor will allow. The elders think the pastor needs to do more Old Testament and less Seinfeld references. The janitor is still mad at everyone over the “glue incident” of 1978. Get those big blow-up sumo costumes you can rent, a huge tube of bootleg jello (this a church after all), and then have everyone settle their differences. How cool would it be to see the super happy pastor’s wife leg drop the super grumpy elder that is always a jerk to her husband?

4. Skittles

Why not throw Skittles out during the service? Instead of saying, “watch this” or “listen to this” or “are you tracking with me” or another phrase that is designed to get people’s attention, why not throw handfuls of skittles at them? Wouldn’t you love to be hit in the side of the head with a bunch of fruit candy delightfulness? I would.

5. Weird instruments

Ever wondered what an accordion and triangle version of the song, “I Can Only Imagine” would sound like? Got a kid in youth group that is really good at beat box? Do you need more cowbell but are afraid most people would hate it? Well, they’re all on vacation. Get the accordion out. It’s go time.

6. Practice Christmas

Next to Easter, the Christmas service might be the most important one you do. So why not do a dry run in July and make sure everything goes well? Just consider it a practice. Do the candles with kids, hang some holly, sing carols, do the whole thing up. Then, that way, when the real Christmas rolls around, you’ll be ready. Don’t tell anyone it’s a practice. Just do it as if it’s a normal thing to do. The look on the face of your visitors and members who show up and find themselves singing “Oh Holy Night” in the middle of the summer will be worth it.

7. Haikus

Do the entire sermon in haiku. It’s not as hard as you think. Here’s an example: Jesus was so cool (5 syllables) He gave His life for our sins (7 syllables) Let’s be close to him (5 syllables)

8. Have an “SCL Sunday”

Why not throw a “Stuff Christians Like” service? We’ll play Sandi Patty and Michael W. Smith songs. We’ll take a love offering and interlink our fingers when we hold hands. We’ll get a puppet group, named “Strings of Mercy,” to come do the Noah’s Ark story and then I’ll speak. It will be fantastic.

I would do some pop and lock breakdancing tomorrow in the hallway if Cross Point did any one of these ideas. If they don’t, I’m going to do that mime move where you pretend to be stuck in an invisible box. Mime is the opposite of breakdancing.

p.s. There are two things that go without saying: 1. I can’t promise that your church will use any of these tips. 2. I can promise that the church I start, GracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, will use all of them.

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31 Signs You Might Be a Pastor’s Kid.

(Today is a guest post from Barnabas Piper. He’s a pastor’s kid, just like me. You might have heard of his dad, Bill Piper. I’m kidding, it’s John. If you’d like to write a guest post, click here!) 

Back in the 90s, comedian Jeff Foxworthy did a bit called “You Might Be a Redneck if . . .” What followed the “if” was something like “ . . .your wife’s hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan” or “ . . .you refer to the 5th grade as ‘my senior year’.”

I have developed my own set of criteria to help pick out pastors’ kids (PKs). Without further ado, and in the inimitable Jeff Foxworthy spirit:

YOU MIGHT BE A Pastor’s Kid If . . .

. . . you can explain the difference between a narthex, lobby, fellowship hall, and the commons.

. . . Psalty, the Donut Man, and McGee haunt your dreams at night.

. . . you won at least 12 prizes in your life for scripture memory feats.

. . . you snacked on communion bread.

. . . you knew where the janitor kept the church keys and took full advantage.

. . . December 31 isn’t New Year’s Eve, it’s “I hope people give a lot from their Christmas bonuses” day.

. . . you’re pretty sure “don’t run in church” is the 11th commandment.

. . . you were told to kiss dating goodbye. And didn’t listen.

. . . you knew which Sunday school classes had the best pastries.

. . . you were Picasso with the church pew golf pencil.

. . . you were the Zorro of sword drills.

. . . you were the Willie Mays of Bible trivia baseball.

. . . the scariest thing you ever dressed up as for Halloween was Goliath.

. . . you recommitted your life to Christ at least 12 times.

. . . you thought your name was So-and-so’s-son (or daughter).

. . . you were always the first person called out for shenanigans.

. . . you involuntarily volunteered for all church functions.

. . . You could blackmail half the church

. . . Half the church could blackmail you.

. . . You sat in dread each Sunday waiting for your name to be uttered from the pulpit.

. . . Every major holiday was interrupted by a church service.

. . . You yearned for the anonymity of independence then felt totally out of place when you finally received it.

. . . you heard the words “damn” and “hell” used more often in their literal meaning than as cuss words.

. . . You know what it means to “raise my Ebenezer.”

. . . You can list, off the top of your head, the 10 commandments, the 12 tribes of Israel, and all 10 plagues in less than 2 minutes.

. . . You speak like a normal person, but when you pray you become either a 17th century English poet or a timid teenage girl.

. . . You ever re-wrote worship choruses as something . . . less wholesome.

. . . You gravitate towards the numbers 3, 7, and 12.

. . . Your first ever concert was a Christian band. Bonus points if it was held at a church.

. . . God is both incredibly familiar and remarkably distant.

. . . You got asked weekly “So, are your going to be a pastor when you grow up?”

Those are the signs you might be a Pastor’s Kid, so … are you?

(For more on the uniqueness of growing up as a PK and working through its challenges, check out Barnabas’ book, The Pastor’s Kid: Finding Your Own Faith and Identity visit his blog and follow him on Twitter.)

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Finally, a church knows how to pray.

Well done church.

Photo via 9gag.

Of the many problems our feet will face, lego is the worst. (Is it lego or legos? What’s the plural of lego? Legi? Legon? Kenny Loggins? I feel like this is turning into a Brian Regan routine. Can we get a ruling on that one?)

I personally don’t need that prayer. I never step barefoot on legos. I step on them, all the time, but now that we live in Nashville I wear cowboy boots. Non stop. I don’t take them off. In the shower, in the pool, in our house, you can take my cowboy boots when you pry them from my cold, sweaty feet. (Even in death I will probably find a way to be too sweaty.)

I’m like a foot version of Tobias, in Arrested Development. I’m not a never nude, I’m a “never de-shoed.” We have rights you know. And lefts, both are covered in boots.

My prayer would be different than what the church asked for. My prayer would be “Lord, please heal the selective blindness that befalls my children whenever they use the stairs in our house.” I swear, the rest of the day their eyesight is amazing. They see everything! Baby birds, quarters on the side walk, there is nothing that misses their attention. Until they take the stairs up to their bedroom.

At that point, they are suddenly struck blind, incapable of seeing all of the things my wife and I have stacked on the stairs for them to carry up to their room. Clothes they need to put away, toys that should be back upstairs, pony tail holders? They can’t see anything. The size and brightness isn’t a factor either, as I have witnessed them deliberately take wide steps over some very bright My Little Pony obstacles.

The hardest part of this dilemma is that my wife Jenny swears it’s hereditary. She says they got it from me. She has talked to me about this problem many times during our 13 years of marriage. She has ample evidence. Pretty sure she once wrote me a note about it. Unfortunately she left it on the stairs and I never saw it.

Question:

Does anyone you know have stair blindness too?

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3 reasons we need Vuvuzelas in church.

Every four years, when the World Cup rolls around I think about 3 things:

1. I wish our country had a sport that united the whole country like the intensity you see when France played Italy in the finals.

2. Didn’t I once write a post about the World Cup?

3. I want to, want to be crazy about the World Cup.

I don’t know if that first idea is fixable. I think because of the size of our country we divide into small mini countries or as some people might call them, “states.” I think Alabama vs. Auburn or Duke vs. UNC might be as close as we get to two nations fighting each other in sports. (Please post your school’s rivalry in the comments below as I am positive I missed at least 47 other good examples.)

To the second idea, the answer is “yes.” I did write about vuvuzelas, which is why I’m updating that classic post as we speak.

And the third idea? Well for the first time in my life, I have to admit, the World Cup is fantastic!

 

For years, I just couldn’t get into the world cup. I grew up playing soccer. I thought it was a beautiful game. I wished our country shut down like other countries on the day our team played. There’s no doubt that I wanted to be caught up in the feverish pitch of the World Cup.

For most of my life, the World Cup kind of felt like all the shows your friends want you to watch but you haven’t yet. I was exhausted at how often I had to tell people I hadn’t watched Mad Men. I wanted to like the World Cup games, I felt like I should, but I just didn’t yet. Until now.

I think it was the Spain versus the Netherlands that sealed the deal for me. That diving header broke through all my pent up soccer cynicism. I’m in. The World Cup is awesome.

What I do kind of miss about this World Cup is the vuvuzela, the tiny plastic horn that appears to have been minted in the very mines of Mordor. It was all the rage in South Africa during the last World Cup but appears to have gone on hiatus in Brazil. Capable of creating a thick blanket of drunken wasp sound in the entire stadium, the vuvuzela is unstoppable. Rather than fight it and complain as many others tend to do, I think we should embrace it and bring it to church.

Here are three ways we could employ the vuvuzela at church:

1. Give one to every youth minister.

Forget acoustic guitars and even cowbells, has there ever been an instrument better suited to youth ministry? A kid asks for a precise definition of “virginity” cause they want to redefine the boundaries? Blast them with the vuvuzela. The elders get unruly about how youth group is being run? Here comes some brand new flavor in your ear, vuvuzela. College kids come back and try to awkwardly date the high school sophomores? Vuvuzela! It works on so many levels it makes my teeth hurt. (And they’re cheap! I got the image of this one on Amazon. They cost less than $20. Perfect for the youth ministry total annual budget which is usually $25.)

2. Play it during baptisms.

I love when a Sunday School class or small group claps and cheers for a friend getting baptized, but what if instead they got to play the vuvuzela? How fantastic would that be? Imagine a wave of vuvuzela rising up from the sanctuary as someone rose up out of the water. That would be a game changer as far as I am concerned.

3. Drive home sermon points.

I don’t necessarily love the guy who screams “Jesssssusssss” in your cochlea at concerts during random intervals. But I do like the guy who says, “Amen” when the pastor cranks it out of the park on a particular sermon illustration or point. What if instead of just words, you could show your approval of a sermon with a steady screech of sweet, sweet vuvuzela?

I have to believe there are other ways we could weave this delightful instrument, dare I say “Angel’s Horn,” into church. It’s possible this is what the angels played when they awoke the shepherds at Christ’s birth. I think I read that in the message version of the Bible.

But what about you? How would you bring a bit of the World Cup to your church? Horn? Body paint? Penalty kicks?

How would you World Cup your church?

 

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