Jon Acuff's Blog, page 52

My only problem with the KJV.

This is a weird bumper sticker to me.

Maybe you’ve seen one like it before. You’re stuck in traffic, look up for a split second from you iPhone and this question dances across your field of vision.

You forget that the origin of this is decades old. We have dairy cows to blame for all the variations of “Got ____,” for it was they who first asked if we “Got milk?” Some of us did. Real milk, not that pale white water skim either. The kind of milk an Oreo could float on. A real Oreo too, not a fruit punch or watermelon version. I feel we are flying too close to the sun on cream wings right now with all the iterations of Oreo we’re cranking out.

But milk started the “Got revolution” and years later it rages on in highways and byways across the nation.

It’s not the only confusing bumper sticker though, if you were from another country, “Salt Life” might seem perplexing at first.

Are people that excited about salt in the US?

Is there a shortage?

Are we returning to the days of old where entire countries went to war over salt supplies?

Are the pepper people not properly represented in sticker fashion? Why is there no “Pepper Life” merchandise?

Are the salt people and the pepper people the Biggie and Tupac of condiments?

You’d have a bevy of questions having first been exposed to “Salt Life” and probably prone to steal that white flaky gold from the table of the first restaurant you ate at in America, amazed at the brazenness of the establishment to leave it unguarded. (Free tip, do not use the salt shakers in any Mexican restaurant in a 5 mile radius of Alpharetta, GA. Pretty sure when we lived there, my 2 year old licked the tops of every one.)

If Salt Life is puzzling, then “Got KJV” is downright maddening. I mean, on some level I get it. It’s important. People are fans of different things and want to show their allegiance to the things they care about. This sticker might even be meant playfully, but it draws a sharp line between us. It divides us at a time we need to be united. It makes two distinct camps:

1. People who got Kevin James Videos

2. People who don’t got Kevin James Videos

To be honest with you, I’m not even sure there’s Biblical evidence that one side is right or wrong. Show me a verse that says we must “Got Kevin James Videos?” And don’t get me started on the traditionalists who only got Kevin James Videos from his run on the hit show “The King of Queens.” Those purists refuse to even acknowledge his film career. Dare they say “Got NKJV?” Of course not. New Kevin James Videos “don’t count.” Do they enjoy “The Zookeeper” or “Here Comes the Boom?” They do not.

That’s my only problem with the KJV, when it’s used to cause a rift, not a conversation.

I think there’s room for both groups of people, those who got Kevin James Videos and those who do not got.

I see a world where Adam Sandler fans and Kevin James fans and Kevin Hart fans and Rob Schneider fans can get coffee together.

Is my dream crazy? Perhaps, but safe dreams never changed the world. And crazy dreams is all I got.

 

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3 ways to avoid getting tricked into volunteering for VBS.

Lean in close, I don’t have much time to tell you this idea and if they catch us, we’re both in trouble. Even as I speak, zig zag scissors are cutting construction paper, glue sticks are being rolled up, angry badgers are being jammed into bags and colorful thumbtacks are being counted. We’re on the cusp of Vacation Bible School season, which is why I’m reposting this idea. In the next few weeks, the Swiss Army Knife Volunteers that run VBS are going to be recruiting new helpers.

If you want to do that, great. Have at it. Noah’s Ark the summer away my friend. But if you don’t want to volunteer, if you’ve got flannel graph phobia, keep a sharp eye out for these important signs:

1. If someone with glitter on their clothes approaches, do not make eye contact.

This is the easiest way to escape VBS volunteering. Just avoid anyone that shimmers in an unnatural way. If you get even the slightest hint of a glimmer radiating from someone, they’ve been exposed to VBS glitter and are about to infect you too. Beware.

2. If someone asks you what your summer is going to be like, answer “busy.”

“That’s weird,” you’ll think to yourself, “Miss Brenda sure seems interested in how my family is spending our summer all of the sudden.” That’s not a pleasant conversation you’re having, that’s a fact finding mission the VBSeratti has sent Miss Brenda on. They’re just prepping for the “ask.” If they know you’re going to be available this summer, when they ask you to volunteer, you won’t be able to make your schedule the fall guy, “Oh, I would love to, but I’ve got some date conflicts.” Don’t over share where and what you’ll be up to this summer, just say, “I’ll be busy.”

3. Don’t fall for the “I guess my wife signed us up” technique.

Guys, sometimes we get voluntold. That happens. Our wives will tell someone that we’d love to help out and then later will let us know we’ve been voluntold to lead Sunday School for 4 year olds. But don’t assume that’s what has happened when a VBS recruiter talks to you. If they say, “What classroom should I put you down for this summer in VBS,” don’t assume that means your wife already signed you up. Maybe she hasn’t and if you automatically respond, “I guess third grade?” The recruiter’s trap will have been sprung and they’ll say, “Oh that’s great! You’re volunteering this year? Thank you so much.”

I could go on and on, but I think I smell bootleg cookies and orange drink. That can only mean one thing, they’ve found me. The next time we meet, I’ll probably be covered with glitter and will be trying to pry out details about what you’re doing this summer. Ignore my questions and flee.

Save yourself.

It’s too late for me.

Don’t look back.

Just go, just go.

Question:

Are you volunteering for VBS this year?

 

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A response to the “Are you following Jesus this close” bumper sticker.

I often see the bumper sticker that reads “Are you following Jesus this close?”

Photo via Kulfoto.

My first thought is that somewhere my wife Jenny is dying because it’s supposed to read, “Are you following Jesus this closely?” Jenny is full of grace and love, but has a difficult time extending that to grammar mistakes. (Pray for her please.)

I am willing to overlook the missing ly, but my second thought upon seeing this sticker is usually this:

Actually, I am following Jesus this close. In fact he lives in my heart, so I’m completely baffled by the proposition of your bumper sticker. Is this like that scene in Austin Powers when the Scottish character says ‘Get in my belly!’ (Keeping it relevant.) Are you asking me to get in your heart? I have to imagine you mean lyrically, much in the same way Bobby Brown’s song “Tender Roni,” gets in your heart and refuses to leave. (Two for two on topical!)

If it’s not that, which I suppose it must not be, what are you saying to me?

Is this some sort of weird invitation to live in the backseat of your Toyota Camry? I went to college. I’ve slept in cars before. That is no treat my friend. I have to refuse kindly.

What option does that really leave us? Trunks are pretty uncomfortable as well and dangerous. If that’s what you’re suggesting, that I climb in your car trunk, I fear we’re once again at odds. I don’t want to get in your car trunk and you would prefer that I do. Let’s agree to disagree.

Or perhaps it’s just the opposite, you actually want me to back away from you in traffic and tail gait Jesus instead. Is he commuting today? Are you intimating that should I but crane my neck I might notice him in the right hand lane, driving, what I can only imagine is a burro, and I should follow him instead? But that’s unlikely, because once you’ve ascended there’s no way you’re driving on the Interstate again. You think Elijah or sah, whichever one got the fire chariot ride, is ever getting in a Kia after that? You can’t Sorento after you’ve fire chariotted.

It’s all rather perplexing.

Perhaps if I follow closely for a few more miles, this riddle will solve itself. Feel free to do what I do when someone is tail gaiting me, drive slower. I’m almost positive that tail gaiting is a silent cry from the people behind you to slow down. But don’t quote me on that. I might be misinterpreting that. I’m not following Jesus that closely.

Question:

Have you ever seen this bumper sticker?

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Joking about sex during weddings.

It’s almost wedding season, or as I like to call it, “Waffle maker season.” I’m not pretty sure they don’t let you buy one of those unless you’re attending a wedding. Nothing says eternal love like a waffle. (I bet the pancake industry hates weddings. The pancake people and waffle people are probably like the Biggie and Tupac of breakfast pastries.)

That’s a photo of the waffle maker Jenny and I used to own. I say “used to” because when I posted it online and someone saw how hard we’d waffled over the years they mailed us a brand new one. Pretty sure I’m posting a photo of our car next. I digress

Every time, wedding season rolls around it reminds me of a post I wrote years ago. A post that I fear we might need now more than ever. A post that started with this bold statement,

Fine, I’ll say it: We Christians need to agree to a one sex joke maximum during our wedding ceremonies.

Seriously, let’s make that happen today.

I don’t know where this started, but I’d like to be part of the solution to stopping it even though it is a very uniquely Christian thing to do. Think about it, if the couple getting married already had sex then what they’re going to do on their honeymoon night might be very similar to what they might have done last Tuesday night. Big deal. There’s no point in joking about it. It would be like joking about me being awesome at breakdancing. Everyone already knows I do that all the time, so it wouldn’t be funny. But if you’ve got two virgins up on stage I fear that’s a joke opportunity that an increasing number of young ministers are unable to resist.

For example, I was at a beautiful wedding last winter and one of the people officiating the ceremony made about half a dozen sex jokes. The young couple squirmed and blushed while the crowd laughed nervously. The first joke was funny and appropriate. I mean if you’re doing a Christian wedding then theoretically joking about sex should kill in that setting. They’ve never had sex before and by talking about it you get to shock the crowd in a fun way. And so I welcomed the first joke and felt relieved that we had gotten that subject out of the way. In my head I thought, “Great, let’s move on to the unity candle, perhaps a three stranded ribbon that represents the man, the woman and God and then eat some cake.”

But this guy kept working the room blue. From “good lovin’” to “what you’re going to do later,” he was unstoppable. By the sixth sex joke I wanted to stand up in the aisle and shout, “We get it, they’re going to do it! Everyone, these two people right here are going to have sex!”

I didn’t though because my wife was there and she really hates when I yell things in the middle of weddings. But maybe today you and I can agree to a one sex joke maximum at Christian weddings.

Let’s change the world together.

We can do it.

I believe in us.

I do.

We built this city on rock and roll.

 

 

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Smells like (Bible) spirit. 7 Christian Candles!

(It’s guest post Friday! Today’s post is from Meghan Mellinger. If you’d like to write a guest post, click here.)

Recently, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a candle that smelled like, you guessed it, chicken. It sounds ridiculous, but it sold out in minutes! Giving that waxy, olfactory success I decided began to create a whole line of biblically themed scented candles.

Forget deep fried chicken or the smell of pickles wafting through your living room; why not light up these candles to get into the spiritually scented spirit:

From the “Escape from Egypt” Collection:

1. The Ten Plagues

A touch of gnat, a dash of frog, and a hint of blood, this blend of aromas is a must for any Old Testament study. Made with real locusts!

2. Pillars Pillar

Made with special patented technology, this pillar candle smells like smoke during the day and fire at night. It’s like two candles for the price of one!

3. Manna Madness

Think the “French Baguette” candle from Bath and Body Works smells like the real deal? Well you’ll be praying for bread to drop out of the sky after you light this candle up!

Now on clearance from the “Emmanuel” Collection:

4. Silent Night

Enjoy a calm evening by the glow of the Christmas tree while the smells of hay, sheep, and donkey fill the room. It’s like you’re swaddled right there in the manger with baby Jesus!

5. The Gift of the Magi

What does frankincense smell like? Wonder no more! This careful concoction of frankincense, gold, and myrrh is well worth the wait of up to 2 years in estimated arrival time from the date of purchase.

Just in time for Lent, the “Miracles of Jesus” limited edition collection:

6. Five Thousand

Upon first glance, you would never think this small votive candle is capable of burning for up to an unprecedented amount of 5,000 hours. But once you waft the succulent scents of a couple fish and a few loaves of bread, your doubts will vanish.

7. Party’s not Over

Don’t think all is lost when you see this clear candle. While it may appear to be the color of water, once lit it changes to a deep red hue and soon you’ll smell the sweet scent of fermented grapes. (WARNING: Please do not ingest.)

Those are my 7 candle ideas. I chose 7 for the list because, duh, holiest number ever.

But if you were going to design your own Biblically themed candle, what would you create?

(For more great stuff from Meghan, read her blog myletterstog.com!)  

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Thinking your kids got raptured.

My brother-in-law Justin recently stayed with us for a few weeks while he finalized a move to Nashville. (Everybody is doing it, even Justin Timberlake from what I hear. If Nashville gets an ocean coast it’s game over for every other city in America. Also, North Carolina is in a lot of trouble if that happens now that I think about it.)

One night, Justin (brother-in-law not Timberlake) noticed a pile of clothes from one of our kids on the floor that looked like this.

Realizing that most people, particularly good parents, don’t store piles of clothing on random floors, I quickly reassured him that we were not messy people. (Even though that collection of socks, shirt and shorts kind of looks like a starfish.)

I told him, “That’s not just a pile of clothes, that’s the rapture.”

After quietly running the math of paying for a hotel versus staying with people who are not pre-trib but apparently “post-socks”, he asked, “What do you mean the rapture?”

I said, “That’s what we call it when one of our kids changes into their pajamas and leaves a pile of whatever they wore that day exactly where they changed. It’s like they were raptured and have been taken up to heaven without that Disney shirt.”

He laughed, but inside I started to quietly wonder, are we the weirdest Christian family ever?

Is it odd to yell upstairs to your kid, “Hey McRae? Did you really get raptured this time or are you in bed, wearing your pajamas? If it’s the second option, please come get your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper where they go. If it’s the first option, I am in significant trouble.”

Now that I see it in writing, that is weird.

We’re a weird Christian family.

What about your family?

What’s something silly like that you say or do?

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Not knowing if you should pray before appetizers.

I write a lot about queso.

That’s probably not a sentence Hemingway ever typed but whatever, this is my life. He made his own decisions as an author. These are mine.

I could certainly write volumes about the many positive aspects of queso but I do have one problem with it. I’m never sure if I am supposed to pray before I eat it at a restaurant.

In fact, I’m not sure if you’re supposed to pray before the appetizer or before the entrée. It seems like everyone approaches it a little differently, so here are some rules we might all be able to agree on.

1. You don’t have to pray before a side salad.

If it’s a light appetizer, that does not include any meat, you don’t have to pray before it. Here’s a rhyme to help you remember, “If it has neither hide nor hair, that appetizer needs no prayer.”

2. If you order just appetizers you have to pray.

In college, my favorite thing to order at restaurants was water and whatever appetizer came with as much free bread as I could fit in my pants. I’d look longingly at people who could order from the right hand side of the menu. If that’s you, and the appetizer is your whole meal, pray before it arrives.

3. If your appetizer is taking a long time to show up, pray.

Every Christian on the planet knows that if you want your server to appear instantly, just start praying. Out of thin air they will materialize the minute you close your eyes and start praying creating a vortex of awkwardness. Do you speed up the prayer, sensing them standing there? Do they walk away three feet, allowing you some prayervicy? (I just made up that word, you’re welcome.) That’s your call, but trust me on this one, if you want quick delivery of an appetizer, prayer is your go to move.

More than likely, it will take more than one blog post to settle this debate. Christians have been arguing about God and food since the disciples first disagreed with Jesus that they didn’t have nearly enough fish and chips for the crowd. (Pretty sure I got that story right.)

What are your rules about praying before you eat?

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The unsubscribe of shame.

(It’s guest post Friday! Today’s post is from Christy Newton. If you’d like to write a guest post, click here.)

Something has been strongly weighing on my heart. I need to confess it, but I’m scared I’m the only one struggling with this. I’m being vulnerable, so here we are:

I’ve let so many unread daily devotionals rack up in my email, you’d think I’d been raptured. These devos have been in the form of blog posts & just plain website databases who thought I could handle three or eight different devos a day. One subscription goes through the whole bible in a year, another is for godly women, another is a pastor back home with sweet tattoos & coiffed hair who writes a lot about millennials & the book of James. There are posts from scientists at creation institutes that blow my mind slash encourage me every time I read them, as well as emails from a blog written by a dude who *just* knows how to get deep about God.

It all typically goes the same way:

I come across something online that is intellectual about my faith, and I get excited (“someone gets me!”), and then the “Subscribe by Email” button is all shiny & sitting there & sure enough I end up setting goals of “read this everyday!” and skip along my way.

Then, the first email comes — I’m ready for you. Reading through you Word for Word (hah) and enjoying all that you are offering me.

Second email, you’re already blending in with my 14 other unread devo-like subscriptions… Maybe I’ll get to you today because you’re still so new.

Third email, and you’re just another pretzel I’m determined to finish. (I can’t deal with pretzels. They bother me because they’re so plain & there are usually so many of them at once. There’s no roller coaster of fun when eating them.)

Email four — Sure enough, there are 78 unread emails in my “SOCIAL” tab all from the last 4 days, and then I find myself rushing to read all of them by skimming & making them not be highlighted anymore.

Sooo… The dreaded “unsubscribe of shame” commences. I didn’t ever want this. We had something special. I was in this for the long haul, but then I just couldn’t juggle it with everything else. I already feel like a bad Christian because I can’t read every devo in my inbox, let alone the internet world. Please forgive me, and let me still go to your page from time to time?

I’ve probably unsubscribed to 8 daily devotionals in my email, but I still have so many that I can’t keep up with. You try and hang on & make it work with the remaining ones I guess. At least that’s what one of the posts has talked about.

I also am subscribed to a Christian satire website, and I have to say, I cannot part with it. I should probably change around my priorities.

Am I the only one who deals with this?

(For more great stuff from Christy, follow her on twitter!)

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My new favorite version of “How He Loves.”

Last weekend I got to do an event with an awesome organization called R.U.S.H Ministries. What Marc Pritchett and his team are doing for students just blew me away. During the event, I met George Dennehy. George was born with bilateral upper limb deficieny in Romania. He mentioned from stage that in his home country, being born without arms or hands is considered a curse. His family put him in an orphanage.

An American family adopted him and over the years he’s learned to share his story via music. (You should follow him on twitter! His account is @ThatArmlessGuy)

After sharing his story, he played the song “How he loves” and it was amazing. I took a few short video clips of the song.  It’s hard to capture the moment with these, but hopefully you’ll see a little bit of what I saw when George sang about the depth of God’s love for us.

George Part 1

George Part 2

George Part 3

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The Prayer Prank I fell for!

Last week I was at the Orange Conference. It was an amazingly fun experience and I spent most of the week making this face:

I don’t know what I was saying at that moment, probably “Yay Jesus!” or “Look at me, I’m wearing a sports coat! (Why do we call them sports coats by the way? Those are the absolutely worst thing to do sports in. If your friend runs half marathons in sports coats, your friend is an idiot. I digress.)

After the conference was over, I was hanging out with two other speakers in the volunteer room. A group of volunteers came up to me and asked if I would participate in a prayer circle. They said it was a tradition and that we all needed to hold hands. The other two speakers I was hanging out with immediately abandoned me to the awkwardness of what was surely going to follow and stopped talking to me as if I was invisible.

I looked back at them with a “save yourselves, it’s too late for me” look, but they had already moved on. Public speaking is apparently not the Marines, they will leave a man behind.

Now right now you’re probably thinking I’m a horrible person for not wanting to initially participate in the prayer circle. Pump the brakes there eye plank. I’m an introvert. Maybe at the end of a four day event, holding hands with a group of complete strangers, for an undetermined amount of time, as you try to run out the door to drive two hours to your next event does not sound like an awkward experience to you. You are clearly a better Christian than me. But if you felt smug at all while reading this last paragraph you struggle with pride and are probably a lousy Christian too. Turns out we both need Christ.

I circled up with the volunteers. They said they’d all make prayer requests and then I could close the prayer.

The woman next to me said, “My prayer request is unspoken.” I thought that was a little odd, to start a prayer circle and then immediately bust out an “unspoken,” but whatever.

Then the second person made their prayer request and said, “My prayer request is unspoken.”

At this point, I did what you do whenever you’re told to keep your eyes closed while people raise their hands after a salvation decision, I opened my eyes. The woman across from me was shaking as she tried to hold her laughter in.

I yelled out, “Is this a prank?” And everyone in the circle burst into laughter.

The whole thing was a set up.

They planned the entire thing because I once wrote a post about how if you make an “unspoken” prayer request, everyone assumes you are talking about porn. We never assume you said unspoken because, “They must help too many orphans and homeless people and don’t want to brag about it.”

It was a well planned, brilliantly executed prank. And it was also the first time I’ve ever been “prayer pranked.”

The funny thing is that now, the next time someone asks me to pray, I’m probably going to say, “Like pray pray or is this a prank?” Then they’ll tell me, “Prayers are never pranks. What is wrong with you?” And then I’ll blunder some explanation about porn and unspoken requests, which will only make the whole situation worse at which point they’ll start crying a little. Softly.

That’s how I imagine it going in my head anyway.

What’s the best church prank someone has ever played on you or you played on someone else?

 

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