Jon Acuff's Blog, page 56

Church Signs, a Blurred Lines Parody Video.

About 50 people sent me this video, but I didn’t watch it at first because I thought it would be cheesy.

I was wrong.

A brilliant guy named Dustin Ah Kuoi created this. The thing I loved about it was that it parodied church signs perfectly. It was like a parody inside of a parody wrapped inside an enigma. Like Newman.

All that to say, enjoy.

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Why it’s hard to be a Christian online.

For the last 3 years I’ve been writing about two distinct topics:

1. Christianity.

2. Business.

The weird thing is that I’ve found it’s a lot easier to write to a business audience. The ideas I share are received with more grace, acceptance and discussion in the business world than they are in the Christian world. That’s a strange thing to me. You would think that if someone had the corner on grace, it would be us Christians.

I think I figured out why it happens, particularly online.

When the business world disagrees with your idea, they critique your idea.

When Christians disagree with your idea, they critique your soul.

Case in point, I recently wrote a post that said I didn’t think tracts that were disguised as money were the best form of evangelism. A Christian band then went online and said, “@JonAcuff I’m sorry you think spreading God’s Word to those otherwise totally uninterested isn’t worth your time.” They tweeted a lot of other things, but that was the one that struck me.

For a faith called to live out the great commission, deeming that I have declared spreading God’s Word isn’t worth my time is a fairly weighty accusation. Had I said that in my post? No. If anything, dropping a fake money tract on the ground is an incredibly effective use of my time. That saves me all that hassle of actually having a relationship with someone and telling them about God in that context. Relationships take forever, ugh.

But when we as Christians attack each other’s souls we forever lose the ability to get better. When we can’t debate without it turning into a soul attack, we can’t grow.

I’m not saying I have the answer, and to be honest, there have been times when I’ve been the passive aggressive loser in a conversation. I’d love to say I’m great at focusing on the idea and not the individual. But I get it wrong too.

My fear is that we’re missing something pretty powerful in this type of situation. My fear is that no one in the history of mankind has ever said, “I saw two Christians on twitter attacking each other and that made me want a lifelong relationship with their Christ.”

And that should matter to us.

Question:

Have you ever been attacked by a Christian online?

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Bad Christian drivers.

I’m not going to do this idea.

Fear not when you read it that I am on the verge of implementing it because I’m pretty it’s illegal. I’m just brainstorming here.

But have you ever been cut off in traffic by someone who had a little Jesus fish on the back of their car? There you were, driving along merrily, perhaps seat dancing to the impossible to be sad to “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins.

Suddenly a Saturn you didn’t see speeds up on your right in disgust, passes you and then whips in front of you forcing you to slam on the brakes. A quarter mile later you are both at the same red light, where you to think to yourself, “I’m glad being the length of my car ahead of me was so important to you.”

That’s when you see it, a tiny Jesus fish. That was no mere mortal, that was an immortal Christian! (How weird does it sound to say it that way? Like we’re superheroes or something.)

I wish in situations like that you could get out of your car and remove their Jesus fish. I wish in the Christian community we all had Jesus fish revoking privileges, like citizen’s arrest. In my head I imagine it like the scene from “Fight Club” where Brad Pitt collects other peoples’ driver’s licenses under the threat that unless they chase their dream he will come get them.

Maybe that’s too much power for ordinary people. Maybe the cops could do it. They pull you over for speeding and say, “Sir, I’m going to need to see your license, registration and Jesus fish. I’m taking that last one.” And then Carlos Whittaker, my worship leader friend who knows every cop in the southeast would turn in his fish for speeding.

Again, this is probably illegal, but I think the idea has some merit.

Have you ever been cut off by a Christian?

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The Samson Valentine’s Day card.

Lest you ever doubt that I am a romantic at heart, I present to you this. (I didn’t paint that in case you were wondering. That’s by Giuseppe Nuvolone.)

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I made you a Valentine’s Day card.

Feel free to send this to all your church friends who are single. They will love it.

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Amazing car.

My friend Josh Taylor, who blogs at fulldevotedfamily.com sent me this photo.

He’s brilliant and pointed out that it’s funny that the windows are tinted. I imagine if you’re going to put this on your car you’re going to want to make sure people can’t tell who you are. And you’re going to want a Prius so you can make fast getaways.

I like to think that maybe this isn’t a gospel message, this is actually just two signs denoting who is sitting where.

In the front seat? That’s the sinner’s seat.

In the back seat? That dude repented.

Seems a little extreme, but I bet it helps each person remember where they are supposed to sit. So not judgmental, it’s actually helpful.

 

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10 rejected Testamints slogans.

I’ve worked in some form of advertising for about 16 years. During that time I’ve created a number of slogans for different brands. Though I enjoy Testamints, the mint with Bible verses on them, I fear these slogans would be rejected:

1. Testamints, send bad breath to hell.

2. Thou shalt have fresh breath.

3. Testamints, now in Samson strength!

4. Ye’ though you walk through the valley of garlic.

5. Testamints, like a tiny wintergreen Jonah for your whale of a mouth.

6. Testamints, Jezebel your bad breath to the dogs.

7. Testamints, like manna for your mouth.

8. The mint of life for people who love the bread of life.

9. Testamints, shepherd your breath to safe pastures.

10. Testamints, leading your mouth into the promised land of fresh breath.

Those are the ones I came up with, but I think you’ll do even better.

Today, let’s create some amazing slogans. Post them in the comments or use the hashtag, “#TestamintsSlogans.” Bonus points if you put your idea on a photo and pin it to the Stuff Christians Like board. (If you want to be added to the board so you can post directly, follow Tammy Helfrich!) I’ll pick the best ones and post them next week!

So, what’s your rejected Testamints slogan?

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Cheating your way through the one year whole Bible plan.

Two days ago I started a read through the Bible in one year plan. (I like to wait about a month into the new year and then panic read to catch up.)

When I told my wife what I was doing, this was the advice she gave me:

“Read Genesis and then skip to the Old Testament.”

I know, I know, please pray for her. Before you judge her though, she said this because I own three read through the Bible in one year books. I have finished one of them. It took about two years to finish. I blame this mostly on Leviticus, which is the one year Bible plan widow maker. I should point out that if I was a baseball player I would be batting .333 and you would have my baseball card and I would never hide a swear on the bottom of the bat.

As it were though, Jenny suggested I cheat through my one year Bible plan. Whole thing felt very non Proverbs 31 woman. (Guys, never say that last sentence to your wife.)

But let’s be honest, have you ever skipped lineage? Have you ever bailed out like Maverick upon seeing the word “beget?” Do you ever miss a few days and speed read your way to catch up?

I have. Or so my bookshelf would tell you.

And I doubt I am alone.

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Realizing you can’t sing.

The church I attend has recently moved to a new building. Or rather the outpost of the mother church I attend has moved to a new building. (I prefer outpost instead of church plant because it sounds more like we’re trying to tame the frontier. Don’t judge me, you don’t know my life.)

Yesterday, during the worship, I realized something for the first time in 38 years of church attendance.

I suck at singing.

I knew I wasn’t good. I’ve always known that, but for years, I hid safely under the blanket of loud music and large audiences. The church we attended in Atlanta had 42,000 people, in each row. It was massive. I could have screamed and not actually heard the horribleness that came out of my mouth yesterday. But because my current church is small and new, people aren’t singing yet. (You have to coax an audience to sing like teaching a small bird to fly.) During the first song the combined sound of Jenny and I singing hit me like a large round object used to demolish buildings. (I’ve already hit my quota for wrecking ball jokes this year.)

I started looking around for the poor cat that was being tortured and realized it was us! The Acuffs were the source!

I guess I always thought that angels liked my voice, that in the whole “the rocks will cry out” my voice was part of a heavenly melody. Now I know the truth, my voice is just one more part of my life that requires grace.

Are you horrible at singing too? Or is it just me?

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5 ridiculous questions about the new Noah movie.

We are in the midst of a Christian movie renaissance. And by renaissance I mean there are two movies about the bible coming out soon, which is a ton. It’s all relative.

In addition to the Son of God, the movie Noah is coming out. If you can’t figure out what it’s about based on the title, you’re probably not going to enjoy anything else on this blog very much.

But as excited as I am about the movie, I do have 5 questions:

1. Does Russell Crowe slip and accidentally call Emma Watson, “Hermione?”

Too soon? I don’t think so. I’d kind of really like this to happen. I don’t need a Neville Longbottom scene, but if Crowe could just once yell something like, “Hermione get those two Komodo dragons!” that would be great.

2. Is there a Braveheart battle scene in the trailer?

Movies take liberties. In the novel version of Transformers for instance, there aren’t any talking robots or Megan Fox. That is what movies do, but I’m pretty sure the Noah trailer has a massive battle scene in it. I suppose something like could have happened but I’m not sure.

3. Will drunk Noah make a cameo?

This still surprises me when I read it in the Bible. Noah, in want of a glass of wine, grows an entire vineyard. Can you imagine the patience? Then he gets drunk and naked and curses his son. Not his finest hour. No way that is getting covered.

4. Will unicorns be addressed at all?

Can we get this settled once and for all? Maybe a couple of pearly white majesties who overslept and missed the boat? I’m just spit balling here.

5. Did the fish die or experience fish heaven?

That’s always been my question. If you’re a fish, is the flood your death too or you’re Greatest. Day. Ever?

Those are my questions for the movie. If I was a smart blogger, I would have gotten some sort of collectible mug for posting about this film from the promoters. But as evidenced by the tenor of these questions, I am not a smart blogger.

Will you go see Noah?

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