Jon Acuff's Blog, page 56

I made you a Valentine’s Day card.

Feel free to send this to all your church friends who are single. They will love it.

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Amazing car.

My friend Josh Taylor, who blogs at fulldevotedfamily.com sent me this photo.

He’s brilliant and pointed out that it’s funny that the windows are tinted. I imagine if you’re going to put this on your car you’re going to want to make sure people can’t tell who you are. And you’re going to want a Prius so you can make fast getaways.

I like to think that maybe this isn’t a gospel message, this is actually just two signs denoting who is sitting where.

In the front seat? That’s the sinner’s seat.

In the back seat? That dude repented.

Seems a little extreme, but I bet it helps each person remember where they are supposed to sit. So not judgmental, it’s actually helpful.

 

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10 rejected Testamints slogans.

I’ve worked in some form of advertising for about 16 years. During that time I’ve created a number of slogans for different brands. Though I enjoy Testamints, the mint with Bible verses on them, I fear these slogans would be rejected:

1. Testamints, send bad breath to hell.

2. Thou shalt have fresh breath.

3. Testamints, now in Samson strength!

4. Ye’ though you walk through the valley of garlic.

5. Testamints, like a tiny wintergreen Jonah for your whale of a mouth.

6. Testamints, Jezebel your bad breath to the dogs.

7. Testamints, like manna for your mouth.

8. The mint of life for people who love the bread of life.

9. Testamints, shepherd your breath to safe pastures.

10. Testamints, leading your mouth into the promised land of fresh breath.

Those are the ones I came up with, but I think you’ll do even better.

Today, let’s create some amazing slogans. Post them in the comments or use the hashtag, “#TestamintsSlogans.” Bonus points if you put your idea on a photo and pin it to the Stuff Christians Like board. (If you want to be added to the board so you can post directly, follow Tammy Helfrich!) I’ll pick the best ones and post them next week!

So, what’s your rejected Testamints slogan?

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Cheating your way through the one year whole Bible plan.

Two days ago I started a read through the Bible in one year plan. (I like to wait about a month into the new year and then panic read to catch up.)

When I told my wife what I was doing, this was the advice she gave me:

“Read Genesis and then skip to the Old Testament.”

I know, I know, please pray for her. Before you judge her though, she said this because I own three read through the Bible in one year books. I have finished one of them. It took about two years to finish. I blame this mostly on Leviticus, which is the one year Bible plan widow maker. I should point out that if I was a baseball player I would be batting .333 and you would have my baseball card and I would never hide a swear on the bottom of the bat.

As it were though, Jenny suggested I cheat through my one year Bible plan. Whole thing felt very non Proverbs 31 woman. (Guys, never say that last sentence to your wife.)

But let’s be honest, have you ever skipped lineage? Have you ever bailed out like Maverick upon seeing the word “beget?” Do you ever miss a few days and speed read your way to catch up?

I have. Or so my bookshelf would tell you.

And I doubt I am alone.

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Realizing you can’t sing.

The church I attend has recently moved to a new building. Or rather the outpost of the mother church I attend has moved to a new building. (I prefer outpost instead of church plant because it sounds more like we’re trying to tame the frontier. Don’t judge me, you don’t know my life.)

Yesterday, during the worship, I realized something for the first time in 38 years of church attendance.

I suck at singing.

I knew I wasn’t good. I’ve always known that, but for years, I hid safely under the blanket of loud music and large audiences. The church we attended in Atlanta had 42,000 people, in each row. It was massive. I could have screamed and not actually heard the horribleness that came out of my mouth yesterday. But because my current church is small and new, people aren’t singing yet. (You have to coax an audience to sing like teaching a small bird to fly.) During the first song the combined sound of Jenny and I singing hit me like a large round object used to demolish buildings. (I’ve already hit my quota for wrecking ball jokes this year.)

I started looking around for the poor cat that was being tortured and realized it was us! The Acuffs were the source!

I guess I always thought that angels liked my voice, that in the whole “the rocks will cry out” my voice was part of a heavenly melody. Now I know the truth, my voice is just one more part of my life that requires grace.

Are you horrible at singing too? Or is it just me?

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5 ridiculous questions about the new Noah movie.

We are in the midst of a Christian movie renaissance. And by renaissance I mean there are two movies about the bible coming out soon, which is a ton. It’s all relative.

In addition to the Son of God, the movie Noah is coming out. If you can’t figure out what it’s about based on the title, you’re probably not going to enjoy anything else on this blog very much.

But as excited as I am about the movie, I do have 5 questions:

1. Does Russell Crowe slip and accidentally call Emma Watson, “Hermione?”

Too soon? I don’t think so. I’d kind of really like this to happen. I don’t need a Neville Longbottom scene, but if Crowe could just once yell something like, “Hermione get those two Komodo dragons!” that would be great.

2. Is there a Braveheart battle scene in the trailer?

Movies take liberties. In the novel version of Transformers for instance, there aren’t any talking robots or Megan Fox. That is what movies do, but I’m pretty sure the Noah trailer has a massive battle scene in it. I suppose something like could have happened but I’m not sure.

3. Will drunk Noah make a cameo?

This still surprises me when I read it in the Bible. Noah, in want of a glass of wine, grows an entire vineyard. Can you imagine the patience? Then he gets drunk and naked and curses his son. Not his finest hour. No way that is getting covered.

4. Will unicorns be addressed at all?

Can we get this settled once and for all? Maybe a couple of pearly white majesties who overslept and missed the boat? I’m just spit balling here.

5. Did the fish die or experience fish heaven?

That’s always been my question. If you’re a fish, is the flood your death too or you’re Greatest. Day. Ever?

Those are my questions for the movie. If I was a smart blogger, I would have gotten some sort of collectible mug for posting about this film from the promoters. But as evidenced by the tenor of these questions, I am not a smart blogger.

Will you go see Noah?

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Not knowing if you were supposed to have watched the creation debate.

Did we vote on that? Was there a memo or TPS report that I missed?

You guys gotta give me a heads up next time. I watched exactly 0 seconds of the debate last night about creation between Bill Nye and Ken Ham. I didn’t even read tweets about it or blog posts. Today, when they started talking about it while we were recording the Relevant podcast I was just quiet and spent some time thinking about candy.

Am I a horrible Christian for not watching it? In my defense, I absolutely crushed the Bible series. I live tweeted that entire thing, make many funny and insightful comments. Gold like, “Did that angel look like Jet Li to anyone else?” I’ll probably even go see the Son of God movie version.

But I just couldn’t get into the creation debate.

Did you watch it or are you a horrible Christian like me?

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Harleys and Heaven.

Years ago, I came across an interesting description of what it means to experience Christ:

There are “three essential elements to the Christ experience, which believers feel for the first time they experience Him: the joy of individualism, the chance to be free, to make choices; the commitment to adventure, the opportunity to change, to discover new experiences and emotions; the reward of fulfillment, an intense, personal and consuming bond with Christ that means a richer fuller life.”

I like that description. It covers a few of the things I’ve felt since committing my life to the Lord 9 years ago. The sense that I had the “chance to be free,” that the Lord knew me as an individual, not just a nameless person walking this planet, but as his son. That I now had “the opportunity to change,” after years of trying on my own, here was the real opportunity. And it has been all consuming, dropping me to my knees in wonder at how much “richer and fuller” my life has been as I live in his will.

There’s only one problem with that description. I didn’t find it in a book by Erwin McManus, or Phillip Yancey or Donald Miller.

That text came from the Harley-Davidson Brand Guidebook.

All I did was change the words “Harley-Davidson” and “the bike” to “Christ”, “ride” to “experience Him” and “riders” to “believers.”

Here’s how it was originally written: There are “three essential elements to the Harley-Davidson experience, which riders feel for the first time they ride: the joy of individualism, the chance to be free, to make choices; the commitment to adventure, the opportunity to change, to discover new experiences and emotions; the reward of fulfillment, an intense, personal and consuming bond with the bike that means a richer fuller life.”

That last line is my favorite. I can just see a neighbor leaning over the fence and asking his buddy, “How are you liking you’re new Harley?” The neighbor turns his head to smile at the bike and then says “I gotta tell ya, we’ve really formed a consuming bond that’s meant a richer fuller life for me.”

But according to research, that’s happening, sort of. Data shows that 95% of people that buy one Harley-Davidson buy a second Harley-Davidson. Why is their repeat purchase rate so absurdly high? Could it be that upon owning a Harley-Davidson, a man realizes that the motorcycle failed to deliver on the promise of a “richer fuller life?” Could it be that there’s a portion of the 640,000 Harley owners that think “I’m still lost. I’m still hurt. Maybe it’s the second motorcycle that will set me free.”

I like Harley Davidson, I think their advertising is brilliant. The last time I shared this idea I got impassioned emails from Harley owners who think I am awful. This is not about Harley. In fact I have friends who find riding their Harleys to be an experience where they feel closer to God. It’s their form of hiking or climbing a tall peak for the quietness and solitude. The open road can open hearts. But let’s not pretend for a second that there’s any purchase we should form a “consuming bond” and respect a fuller life.

Stuff is stuff.

At the end of the day, even the most amazing motorcycle is just a motorcycle. It’s steel and rubber and gas and oil. At best it will change your driveway, not your soul.

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Unless God makes me!

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a neighbor. We were discussing why we both liked living in our neighborhood. At one point in the conversation he said, “God would have to tear me away for me to no longer live here.”

I laughed at first because that’s kind of a silly thing to say but then I realized I say that same thing all the time.

Just the other day, my kids asked if we were going to live in Nashville for a long time. I said, “I think we are, unless God makes us move.”

That’s a weird concept, isn’t it? Like God is the head of some sort of moving committee and occasionally taps you on the shoulder and says, “Yeah, I’m putting in for a transfer for you out of Dallas. Start packing.”

Am I the only one who has ever said “Unless God makes us move,” or have you said something similar too?

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First laugh of the day: Daniel Fast.

When you put it that way, it doesn’t seem as miraculous. (This was created by Michael Schaffer over at Christian Memes!)

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