Jon Acuff's Blog, page 64

My new favorite mullet.

If you’re my age, you remember the great Mullet Renaissance of 2001. You couldn’t go anywhere on the Internet without running into a mullet joke.

Things have changed now, must of the mullet culture has gone into hiding.

Fortunately, a guy named “TheBryanRose” on Instagram posted the photo below. The image is humorous, but it was Bryan’s caption that sealed the deal for me. Well played TheBryanRose!

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Making fabulous bulletin art.

I used to work with a guy named Matt. He was a graphic designer with an incredible ability to create comic book quality illustrations in a matter of minutes. Whenever we had a meeting I would try to sit near him just to see what he would come up with. It was funny to watch him bring an entire battle scene to life using only a cheap plastic pen from work. What was even funnier though was when he would draw during his one-on-one meetings with his boss.

Matt’s boss wasn’t the best at his job and for some reason Matt was the only person he was allowed to manage. It was like they were using Matt as an experiment to see if his boss could manage people. And he couldn’t, so Matt would pass the time in his one-on-one meetings by drawing exquisitely detailed pictures of a fist punching his boss in the face. How he was able to sit three feet away from his boss, alone in a small room, carefully sketching, looking up at his face to get the details right, is beyond me. It’s a gift really. My one regret is that I never invited Matt to church. I would have loved to have seen what he could do with a bulletin.

When I was younger, a bulletin wasn’t a piece of paper that contained sermon notes and info about the pot luck jamboree. It was a canvas. A big, flat surface for me to express my creative skills on during church. And I was like the Pablo Picasso of bulletins. Seriously, my friends called me “Pablo.” OK, that’s a lie, but they should have, because I was a master of the 3 techniques of bulletin drawing.

1. The Fill In

The first thing you need to do when you get a new bulletin is color in all the O’s. Some people will fill in the lowercase e’s and uppercase D’s but if you’re a purist like me you don’t worry about doing that. I think that’s kind of amateur hour. And if you close off a u so that it looks like an o just so you can fill it in, I’m not sure we can be friends any more. Cheater.

2. The Capital Campaign

If your bulletin has a picture or drawing of your church on it, it’s time to do some renovating. Add a pool on the roof. Put some new trees in the middle of the parking lot. Draw a zipline that starts on the steeple. Install a skyscraper on the right hand side. You are the architect and only you can decide how this new campus is really going to look.

3. The Photo Touch Up

Finding a photo of people in your bulletin is like striking “doodle gold.” Usually it’s either a photo of the pastor or of a missionary family you are supporting. If there is a photo of your pastor in your bulletin, please color that, he deserves it for handing out copies of what is essentially his headshot each week. Go slow though, you really want to savor this. A lot of people will tell you that adding a mustache is the best move. I don’t know, it feels a little pedestrian to me. I like working in angry eyebrows or unibrow if I want them to look like me. Working on the teeth is nice too. Just enjoy yourself. Really explore the space.

4. Practice your autograph

The bulletin is a great place to practice your autograph as a kid. As a 6th grader I remember drawing big, loopy J’s in my name. I just knew that someday I would be famous for skateboarding. Or, if you’re a girl you can practice writing your name with the pastor son’s last name who you probably want to marry. Most people want to marry pastor’s kids. We’re flattered by this attention. Really, it’s too much.

5. Illustrate the sermon

My friend William Warren doodles during sermons. It’s actually become his full time gig now he’s done it so often. Conferences hire him to illustrate events. Here’s a sermon he recently illustrated. I guess he’s OK.

My mom never hung any of my bulletin masterpieces on our fridge. I thought they were great and magnet worth. She probably didn’t because my dad was the minister and didn’t like the wicked awesome unibrow I gave him in any of his photos.

Have you ever drawn inside a church bulletin?

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Dear Church, 11 signs you’re burning out your staff.

I grew up in the church, literally. I was abandoned as a child and raised by a family of church mice. By day we would hide amongst the pews. By night we would scavenge for things people had thrown away. We were like the borrowers, minus the thievery.

Some of that was made up, but I did grow up with a dad who is a senior pastor. In those 30+ years I witnessed how hard it is to work at a church.

I saw burnout after burnout as staff members fell away from the church, and in some cases the faith, after bad experiences.

I thought it might be good to write a blog post about that. At first I was going to address it to senior pastors but then I realized two things:

1. Senior pastors are the most underappreciated people on the planet.

2. As a church member, I am as much if not more of the problem than the senior pastor.

So this post is about us. You and me, the church attendees and anyone on staff. We’re in this together. We are the church. And it’s also not about any one church in particular. I’ve worked with dozens of churches. This is a collection of the type of behavior I think leads to staff burnout. So without further adieu,

1. You’ve never written an encouraging note.

For every critical comment you make about a sermon, you should have to make ten positive. The problem is that we attendees only notice when things go poorly. We never notice when they go well. Next Sunday, thank the sound guy or girl for doing such a good job. I swear their heads will explode.

2. You underpay your staff.

Let’s not wait to get into the hard stuff! A lot of churches grossly underpay their staff. The reality though is that there’s not a lot of money in the budget. I think the real problem is that churches underpay and under vacation their staff. As a church, you might never have the ability to pay more money to staff, but you have the ability to give them more vacation days. Don’t steal nights and weekends from your staff and then give them the same amount of vacation days an office worker at a regular job gets. If the special production of a musical costs your staff four Saturdays, which are usually a day off, give them four extra vacation days.

3. You think mission trips or youth camps are vacations.

Dear youth ministers, I apologize for every idiot at church who has ever said, “You took the teens to beach camp? Must be nice to get paid to go on vacations.”

4. You shame them into doing extra work.

Sometimes people email me and say, “Since you love Jesus, would you like to support my mission trip financially?” What are my options there? I either give you money, stranger from the Internets, or I must not love Jesus. Never ask a church staff member to do something and then try to shame them into doing it in the name of Jesus.

5. More than 6 people have quit in the last 18 months.

How many people will it take before you admit, “You know what? Maybe it’s not all of them that have the problem? Maybe it’s our culture.” Will you have some people who leave for their own reasons? Definitely. But most people who quit your church are sending out messages in a bottle that if opened and read can be incredibly helpful in fixing things that might be broken.

6.The church steals the staff members’ family traditions.

If your staff is not looking forward to Christmas, there might be a problem. If the only family traditions your church staff gets to enjoy during the holidays is “working at church events,” you are headed to a dangerous place. Church staff have families too. Don’t send them home empty.

7. You have a yes culture.

The quality of a person’s leadership is based in part on the number of people who can tell them no. If you’ve got leaders in your church who you can’t say no to, beware my friend, there is trouble ahead. You are working with an Emperor no one will admit is naked.

8. You have unused vacation days.

I challenge every senior pastor to know the number of vacation days their staff didn’t use last year. If the number averages out to more than one day per staff member you might have a culture that values busyness over rest.

9. You don’t allow staff members to dream.

My friend was a youth minister. One day his senior pastor asked him what his dream was. He told him an idea he had about parents. The senior pastor listened and then said, “Clean out your desk. You’re fired.” I wish I was making this up, but sometimes when you work at a church it’s dangerous to admit God gave you a new dream. Your staff will leave if you create a culture where creativity is punished not rewarded.

10. You demand programs without serving programs.

Want the church to do a musical? Think there should be a softball team? Want the kids department to be better? Volunteer. If you’re attending a church and want a new program, go be the solution.

11. You think this list is dumb.

I took a lot of heat when I mentioned this post on Twitter. If this list fills you with rage, you might be this list.

I love the church and for the part I’ve played in these problems, I apologize.

If you work at a church thanks for doing what you do. My kids, my marriage and my town need you.

Question:

What might be another sign you’re burning out your church staff?

The post Dear Church, 11 signs you’re burning out your staff. appeared first on Stuff Christians Like.

4 ways to know the sermon is about to end.

I sometimes feel I am a grace filled person until someone takes a long time to get off a plane. After a long flight, there are few things as annoying as the guy that takes 10 minutes slowly getting his stuff together.

Got my peanuts. Got my free copy of Sky Mall. Got my pens.

On and on.

I feel like saying, “We just descended 30,000 feet. Didn’t that tip you off that we were about to land?”

But I don’t because that is frowned upon.

Although I can’t speed exits on planes along, I can give you a heads up on when a sermon is about to end.

There are 4 signs the sermon is almost over.

1. Musicians start materializing on the edge of the stage.

Always look for a slightly anxious worship leader with an acoustic guitar trying to come back on stage. That’s a dead giveaway that the sermon is about to end.

2. In closing.

If a pastor says this phrase, they are legally required to end the sermon within 3 minutes. Pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

3. As we’re wrapping up.

Maybe the easiest end of sermon sign ever. If you miss this one, you are crazy.

4. Ushers start stretching.

If your church does offering after the sermon, I have some thoughts on this approach, it’s a sure sign things are about to end. Look for an usher doing leg lunges to loosen up muscles that got tight during the sermon.

If any of these things happen, get your stuff together. Zip up that fanny pack cover you’ve got on your Bible, stack your communion cup with the rest of your row, and get moving. We got Sunday lunch to get to!

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What does the fox say?

The fox says, “Jesus juke.”

The post What does the fox say? appeared first on Stuff Christians Like.

Justify.

I have about a dozen people who give me advice on a regular basis.

From a counselor I meet with to the guy running a global business, I’ve spent the last three years building a board of advisors for my life.

And you should too. We all need wise counsel when it comes to the decisions we make. I implore you to see it, cultivate it and appreciate it.

On the flip side of that, is worry. Sometimes God gives you an idea or a hope or a dream that other people aren’t going to understand. It won’t make sense to them. That’s OK. Neither did the ark. Or the Red Sea. Or the walking around Jericho. Or the savior as a baby. Or Saul becoming Paul.

It’s funny how “senseless” so many of God’s adventures looked in the Bible. It would appear he often refuses to play by logic. He sends a boy to a giant, a party to a prodigal and a group of fishermen to the world.

Someday, you might have a dream that doesn’t make sense. I hope you’ll get great counsel on it from your advisors, but I hope you won’t try to justify it to strangers. That’s a losing battle that ruins most dreams before they even begin.

 

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Jesus spoke English.

A friend sent me this gem.

My first thought was, “This is so going on SCL.”

My next thoughts were:

1. How frustrating was Jesus’ time on earth? Can you imagine being the only one in Nazareth that spoke English?

2. Does the person who wrote that believe that in Israel everyone speaks English?

3. Has this person never heard a sermon where the pastor translates the 57 types of love there are in Hebrew and Greek?

4. Can we all please start saying, “if it was good enough for Jesus it’s good enough for me?” for things that Jesus never did? “Do I eat queso? Well, if it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”

5. Will people judge me if I start saying “a-put?” That is so folksy perfect! “I’d a-put my headphones in if my iPhone case didn’t require an adapter.”

6. If this guy doesn’t like daylight savings time because it’s not in the Bible, he must hate golf. And computers. And the polio vaccine.

Oh, it’s fun to be back.

Do I like blogging?

Well, if blogging was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.

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Stuff Christians Like: Starting over.

For the last 7 weeks, Jenny and I have been discussing whether or not to rebuild Stuff Christians Like.

Was the blog dead?

Is the concept done?

How do you retire an idea?

It had kind of limped along for the last six months and I’d done a pretty lazy job maintaining it.

These were the things we talked about over coffee each morning.

And we thought about it. I have another blog, Acuff.me, and maybe I should just focus on that.

But then I drove by a church that was offering “pet blessings.”

Then I saw an ad for a reality show about pastors in LA.

Then a guy brought his own flute to my friend’s church retreat.

I felt like the bat signal was shining bright over satire city.

There are still stories to tell.

There are still issues to wrestle over.

There are still people receiving blessings for pet iguanas.

It’s going to be messy. I have a lot of work to do on this blog. (All the photos are gone for instance.)

But if you’re still willing to laugh, I’m still willing to write.

So, you in?

Jon

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What to do when Sunday Morning becomes a Match.com Mingle.

(Here’s a guest post from Rachel Mueller. You can check out her blog here or follow her on Twitter @rachelmueller. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

What to do when Sunday Morning becomes a Match.com Mingle.

I live in a fairly average size city with a high concentration of Christian people. In fact, my city was once known as the ”Christian Ministry Headquarters.” But what there seems to be is an alarming lack of young single Christian men. I decided to turn to the internet to help my quest.

Being a good Christian girl, my go-to was eHarmony. What I got from that website was two stalkers. Literally. However, the inability to browse on eHarmony kept me relatively anonymous. I had no idea if GodsWarrior247 is the sweaty hand-shaker during the greeting, or MarkDriscollRox is my fellow youth leader. (“Though I walk through the pews of my Sunday morning, I will fear no awkward IRL encounter” should be their slogan).

Three strikes took eHarmony out so I hesitantly and rebelliously joined Match.com. The ability to specify my dream man (6′, blue eyes, brown hair, Christian / Other, doesn’t smoke, college degree, in case you were wondering)* gave me literally hundreds of options in my 100 mile radius.

Blessed Be the Name of the LORD! I had walked into the Land of Milk and Honey. In fact, I felt this was a fleece given to me to start my Wedding board on Pinterest. Surely my David was among these men.

But very quickly I saw familiar faces. A boy who I actually dated. Another one I went on a mission trip with, and another who used to be roommates with a friend.

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. I hit that blessed button as fast as my Spirit-led fingers could move.

But, soon after, a mustached smiling face appeared in my Daily Matches. I clicked his profile (knowing that he would see I had viewed him) and held my breath. Nice looking, good use of grammar, loves the Lord (or so I gathered from his creative use of C.S. Lewis quotes and Mumford & Sons being a favorite band), and played guitar. I winked and waited. He viewed my profile and didn’t wink back. The online equivalent of “but she’s got a great personality!”

Sunday morning I arrived a little late to church, hurried to find my friends, and settled into my seat. I looked up and nearly choked on my fair-trade organic coffee when on-stage was my C.S. Lewis quoting, Mumford & Sons loving, guitar playing wink.

I ducked down trying to hide my 5’9″ frame. What now? Do I acknowledge that we both looked at each other online? Do I strike up a conversation? Do I ignore him? Maybe I should just change churches. WHY IS THERE NO RULEBOOK FOR THIS?!

So I’ve devised my own. Obviously there are 7 rules because that’s the Lord’s number.

1) Remain calm. They may not know that you know they know you are both looking for love.

2) Alert a wing(wo)man. This is key in helping you make an emergency exit.

3) If possible, initiate conversation elsewhere. Avoidance is the name of the game.

4) If forced to converse, do not bring up online dating, love, romance, Facebook, email or anything else that may potentially connect you.

5) Send out the bat signal so said wing(wo)man can intervene and run interference, allowing you the excuse of a coffee refill or bathroom break.

6) Immediately rush home, check “who viewed me,” to see if they know that you know that they know you’re looking for love.

7) Pray the Lord does/doesn’t tell them you are the One.

If all else fails, enact the Emergency Contingency Plan: Sermon Podcasts for three weeks. Let that dust settle before you go kicking into awkward territory once more.

*dream man parameters have been expanded

What about you? Have you ever run into a match at church?

Failure is a day, not a destiny.

Fear is a phantom, large at night, gone in light.

Fear is a small man standing close to the window of your heart to appear large.

Fear is a candied apple with a razor blade core.

Fear is a storyteller with skills that would embarrass Hemingway.

Fear writes and directs and paints and in the face of your bravest moments reveals a scene of what will be.

The curtain is thrown back and there you are, a failure in the future.

A tomorrow in tatters.

Your actions all wrong, your courage all empty, your hope false.

Fear is a fortune teller who tells you it’s never wrong.

Fear only sees one outcome for you and it is misery.

There are no good days on the horizon.

There is no bright eventual.

It is doom.

It is destruction.

It is over.

Or so fear says as she reads your palm.

But that is a lie.

That is why the most repeated command in the Bible is “do not fear.”

That is why God asks patiently for each and every one of your poisoned anxieties.

Will you fail?

Yes.

Of course.

We all will.

But failure is a day, not a destiny.

An interaction, not an identity.

This is not your forever, this is your Wednesday.

A chapter in a story as long as your life.

Read on.

Throw the lights until they shame the sun.

Tomorrow is coming and fear will not win the day.