Jon Acuff's Blog, page 111

Having a favorite version of the Bible.

Recently in a post I wrote the following line:

We are the only creation on the entire planet God put his breath in. The most amazing sunset can't say that. The mountains can't proclaim that. The deepest ocean can't declare that. 

I tweeted the first part of it, and someone disagreed with the idea. Here is what they said:

What do you think of Psalm 104:30? "When you give (animals) Your breath, life is created…" (NLT) Look at different trans too…

My first thought in response was "The NLT is what you're using to back up a point? What?!! That's like trying to win an argument using the Message."

And it was in that moment I realized, "I have a secret Bible hierarchy in my head." Maybe you do too, here's mine:

NIV 1984 – My Go To Bible

This is my day to day, read it, trust it, love it version of the Bible. I know lots of folks who like the newer version of the NIV. But for me, I've got to go with 1984. (Even if sometimes I get distracted and think about George Orwell's 1984 and the Apple Super Bowl commercial where the lady throws the hammer through the screen.) I was raised on this version, and it's my bread and butter Bible.

KJV – The "Oh know you didn't!" Bible

This is the version of the Bible I sprint to if I get into a disagreement with someone about theology. I think of this Bible like my grandfather. Old, wise and occasionally prone to whittling monkeys out of peach pits. If I'm ever stuck in a corner, this is where I head.

NLT – Modern Times Bible

According to Wikipedia, the NLT attempts to "translate the original texts simply and literally with a dynamic equivalence synergy approach used to convey the thoughts behind the text where a literal translation may have been difficult to understand." Oh, when you say it that way, it is simple to understand. It's the "dynamic equivalence synergy approach." Gotcha. Regardless of that explanation, I still find it an enjoyable read.

The Message – Poetry & Prose Bible

I love the message because it paints a visual picture of what's going on in the Bible. It also, as I've said before, reads like the lyrics of a John Mayer song, which is nice too.

Douay-Rheims Bible – Makes me sound smart Bible

Though I've never actually cracked open this edition of the Bible, every now and then I will mention it in a conversation just so I seem smarter than I really am. "Oh, you haven't read the Douay-Rheims Bible? You must! You really must! I personally find it to be a fantastically accurate translation of the Latin Vulgate."

That's my hierarchy of Bibles, or "canon" if you will. I certainly left plenty amazing versions out, but the Internet only has so much available space, and I'm trying to conserve some room for other bloggers.

What's your favorite version of the Bible?

U.S. vs. U.K.

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Stephen Pepper, who blogs about youth work and youth ministry at YouthWorkin' It. You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

The U.S. vs. the U.K. by Stephen Pepper.

The recent popularity of the hit show Downton Abbey has inspired a whole new generation of people to ask the question, "Is that what life is really like in England?" And the quick answer is, "Yes, yes it is. Almost exactly." In addition to trying to keep my countless footmen, valets and housemaids in order, we Brits are also under tremendous pressure to make sure words like "Downton" are spelled and pronounced correctly. (Be honest, how tempting is it to spell that word as "Downtown?") Although I can't speak to every nuance to British life in this post, I think I can clear up a few differences about church. After growing up in the U.K. and moving to the U.S. two years ago, I've noticed quite a lot of differences in how church is done on a Sunday. Here's a (not so) cultural guide for both countries:

Communion Bread:

U.S. – A lot of churches use magic wafers (magic like Gandalf, not Harry Potter). These wafers are made of some kind of strange synthetic material (due to transubstantiation?) that disappears if a drop of water touches it, yet still manages to get stuck to the roof of your mouth so you look like a weirdo when trying to dislodge it.

U.K. – Most churches use actual bread (Dr. Atkins passed us by).

Communion wine:

U.S. – You get the wine in a ridiculously miniature plastic cup, that is surprisingly easy to break.

U.K. – Everyone sips wine from a chalice, although I prefer thinking of it as a goblet so I can pretend to be Henry VIII.

Travel:

U.S. – To get to church, a lot of Americans go on an epic journey most Brits would think of as a road trip.

U.K. – You don't go to a church that means being in the car more than 5 minutes.

Drinks and snacks:

U.S. – Go to church and you'll get good quality coffee and donuts. Depending on the church, you might even get a breakfast sandwich.

U.K. – You'll get a cup of tea and, if you're lucky (sorry, blessed), a Chocolate Hobnob. And by tea, I'm not talking the flavorless Lipton stuff in tiny square bags on a string you have here in America. I'm talking proper tea–PG Tips in pyramid shaped teabags. With milk. And no strings attached.

Parking:

U.S. – You'll never have any problem finding somewhere to park your car. Not only that, but the spaces are designed for massive American vehicles and can fit 5 Smart cars if you Tetris them well enough.

U.K. – Your church is doing well if it has 10 parking spots. After all, a lot of these churches were built before horses even had carts. Besides, your church is so local, you can walk!

Post-church lunch:

U.S. – People tend to go out to lunch after church, somewhere like Golden Corral. For non-U.S. residents, Golden Corral is a chain of all-you-can-eat buffets lovingly referred to as "The Golden Trough." We're allowed to go once a year, and only to the "posh" one in Virginia Beach. Yes, I did just refer to a Golden Corral as "posh".

U.K. – We couldn't be more stereotypical and love a good roast dinner. Which we chew with our bad teeth. While watching Monty Python. And listening to The Beatles. Before a spot of hooliganism.

Question:

Have you ever visited a church overseas? What differences did you notice?

(For more great stuff from Stephen, check out his blog at YouthWorkin' It.)

SCLQ – Bible Flavored Popcorn? Yes, please.

This will without a doubt be the most random photo I have ever posted on Stuff Christians Like. I saw these four items in a break room the other day. And, at first, I thought, "This would be a fun 'Caption this photo,' idea."

 

The captions you guys create are consistently hilarious, but then I thought of something even better we could do. Instead of coming up with captions, let's come up with our own Bible character-themed popcorn seasoning flavors.

Let's do that in the comments today. If Thomas Nelson or Zondervan uses any of our ideas, we'll split the money 50/50 and retire on some sweet, sweet popcorn cash.

I'll go first.

If we were going to create Bible character-themed popcorn seasoning flavors, mine would be:

Jonah Salty Cod

Samson Sweet Honey Glaze

Your turn. What Bible character-based seasoning would you create?

Wishing the Bible was a self help book.

The Bible makes a pretty horrible self help book.

Sometimes, that's what I want it to be. I want to see a picture of God on the back cover of the Bible wearing an approachable sweater next to a golden retriever who knows a few tricks but not so many that he's obnoxious.

I want to crack open a chapter, read a few verses, get some action items and then walk away from my relationship with God. The truth is, most of my self improvement efforts are geared at getting my life running smoothly enough to where I don't need God anymore. I'm not opposed to self help books or self improvement, Quitter could be categorized as one in some ways. But if I'm not careful, I tend to mutate my own effort into my own Emmanuel.

Perfection is my secret goal, not a deeper relationship with God.

But unfortunately, the Bible is refusing to cooperate.

Have you ever read the book of Jeremiah? I did during the two years I spent doing a one year walk through the Bible, and noticed a word I'm pretty unhappy about.

In chapter 1:7-8, God is calling Jeremiah and says this to him:

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

The word that stuck out to me was "rescue."

I've always read that verse like this:

"Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will make sure life goes so well that you never need to be rescued."

I've always thought that a sign that you are doing God's work, that you have listened to His voice and made the right the decision is that things are peaceful and easy. God is there after all, shouldn't that verse say, "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will comfort you?"

But it doesn't say that, it says "rescue." It reads like God is saying, "Look, you need to go do what I am asking you to do and it won't be easy. I'm not calling you to safety and comfort, I'm asking you to go into a situation that's going to be dangerous and difficult. Where I am calling you will require rescue, but I will provide it. That's what I am going to give you, rescue. But in order to give you the gift of rescue, I need you to go somewhere that requires it and I'm going to be upfront, that won't be fun all the time. Because if it was, rescue wouldn't be necessary and that's the gift I want to give you. So …."

I don't know where you are or what God's doing in your life right now but I do know this, if you want to receive the gift of rescue, which I think is one of God's favorite gifts to give us, you have to go somewhere and do something that requires it.

Does that mean we won't know peace and comfort during the adventures God calls us on? Does that mean danger and hardship are the only indications we're in God's will for our lives? Does that mean the things God calls us to will be miserable? Not at all, I think God calls us to the things he uniquely and joyfully prepared us to do and there is deep, true, lasting peace amidst that.

But I do think that the Bible makes a horrible self help book and it never promises that upon following all it's tenet's we won't have trouble. If anything, we're promised in this world that we will have trouble, but God has overcome it.

And that is the best kind of rescue.

SCLQ – Lying to your kids (Round 2)

If you ever meet my kids and ask them about the ice cream store, they will tell you something pretty surprising:

"It's often closed on Saturdays."

Why do they believe that? Well, here's the thing: When my kids were young, they would often scream if they saw the sign for the ice cream store. Or Waffle House. They loved Waffle House because it has hash browns and the oldest selection of jukebox songs on the planet. Nope, actually they loved the waffles and the buckets of syrup they'd try to snatch out of the waitresses hands when she wasn't looking. (Is there a stickier place on the planet than the surface of a Waffle House table? I submit "no.")

So one day, when we were driving by an ice cream store and they screamed "We want to go!!!," I may or may not have said, "It's closed today."

And that was a lie. Similar to the lie we tell them when we act like "breakfast supper" is an exciting moment and not an indication that mom and dad have failed to go to the grocery store all week.

But my lying ways have been topped. A friend told me a parenting lie that put me to shame. (Or maybe made me feel less shame. It's a toss up.) Her friends tell a lie about the ice cream man, and here it is:

"The ice cream man only turns the music on in his truck when he's out of ice cream."

Every time her kids would see the ice cream man, they would get excited, right up to the moment when he turned on the music, indicating that he was out of ice cream.

That's horrible. But also funny.

So today, my question for you is:

What's the silliest lie you've ever told your kids, or what's the silliest lie your parents ever told you?

Wondering if there will be pets in heaven.

Recently someone asked me if I thought our pets might be with us in heaven.

The short answer?

I don't care.

The longer answer?

Not any of the pets I grew up with.

Except maybe Rocky, the parakeet I had when I was in the second grade. We didn't name him Rocky because of his Italian heritage. It's really hard to tell if a parakeet is from Italy. He got his name because he was tough, and occasionally liked to fight Russian parakeets while dancing to James Brown.

At one point, my toddler brother Will pulled out all of Rocky's tail feathers and placed him inside my He-man Castle Greyskull. Rocky took that horrible incident with a quiet dignity that might be enough to earn him a trip to bird heaven.

Rusty, my dog? I don't know about that one. His favorite game was called "run away from home," followed closely by his second favorite game, "No, I will not get into the car when you finally find me across town running through a neighbor's yards."

Although, in his defense, he did protect me from a drunk guy my dad let sleep in our house. He was trying to break into our car for a spot to sleep, and my dad, being the consummate pastor, said, "No, sleep downstairs on the couch." I was the only one in the family who had a bedroom downstairs, so that night Rusty stood watch outside my door. So that's something, I guess. But then, Rusty ended his illustrious career at the Acuff house by biting the mailman, getting shipped off to a farm, killing a few kittens, biting a few other people, and eventually passing away. Not sure I'm going to see Rusty in heaven.

Che, my brother's ferret? Nope. That is an easy one. He won't be in heaven.

Named after, you guessed it, Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara, that ferret was the worst pet we ever had. That I can tell, his only trick was going to the bathroom in the living room, which now that I think of it, was pretty revolutionary.

I might have been able to forgive him if he had protected our family from the other pets my brother decided to get: snakes. You really haven't lived until you've heard the sentence, "The snake got out again. Keep your eyes out in the house. He's bound to show up."

And show up he did, late one night when a house guest was going to the bathroom. As he made his way past the laundry room, my dad's colleague saw what he thought was a long, dark belt on the floor. Until it started to crawl toward him. Soooo, probably not going to see that snake in heaven.

Maybe I've just never had super awesome pets, and your pet will be in heaven. Or, maybe there won't be specific pets, but just lots of available golden retrievers in heaven that you can play Frisbee with. That would pretty awesome. Is that in Revelations anywhere? Can someone please Google that? "Frisbee playing golden retrievers in heaven?" Thanks.

Question:

What do you think? Will there be pets in heaven?

Using "Ministry" to Avoid Real Life Responsibility

(It's guest post Friday! Here is a new one from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here's how!)

Using "Ministry" to Avoid Real-Life Responsibility by John Crist

I was homeschooled.

A lot of people make fun of homeschoolers. Not me. I loved it. Looking back on it, homeschool was the goodest thing that ever happened to me.

Somehow I graduated college with no job prospects, no career plan, no resume, and no wife. I understand why I didn't have a job. But I'm still not sure as to why I wasn't married. It was probably the result of the fact that:

A). I drove a purple Volvo.

B). I referred to women as broads.

C). I looked like this.

D). All of the Above

After graduation, I went on a mission trip to New York City for the summer to do the Lord's Work (i.e. go to live sporting and entertainment events for three months, sponsored by my parents' church friends). After that, I enrolled in the Focus on the Family Institute in Colorado for the winter so I could learn about family and Christian worldview (i.e. delay getting a job so I could snowboard and meet girls).

If you received a support letter from me, circa 2005, here are the six sentences that should have raised some red flags.

"First and foremost, I'm asking for your financial support."

Also, you can pray if you want to. But seriously, don't pray too much, because I haven't either. Just send cash.

"We're gonna be doing a lot of prayer-walking."

I led a mission trip to Egypt once. We prayer-walked around the pyramids. We prayer-rode camels too. Then we even prayer-boated down the Nile River.

"I'm hoping to meet my future wife while I'm there."

I spent a summer in Africa in 2005. Somehow Footprints In The Sand turned into John Crist's Footprints In The Sand Of Exotic Moroccan Beaches. There was one set of footprints. I was carrying her. To a candlelight dinner I had prepared.

"We're partnering with a company called Missionary Tourist Adventures."

Don't let the name fool you; we'll be working hard. I swear. No really, we will. I'll send you back a picture of me with a shovel.

"Jesus said, 'therefore, go and make disciples of all tourist desti-nations'!"

And baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit…in clear waters off the coast of sandy beaches…after we minister to the scuba instructors. They need Jesus too.

"P.S. I need to raise an extra $2,000 to cover my monthly credit card payment."

I've played the Visa card for far too long. Now it's time to play the God card.

For the record, some of these trips and internships have changed my life. The freedom I experienced at the Focus on the Family Institute was incredible. My brother is currently raising his own support to serve as an intern at IHOP in Kansas City; it has changed his life. Some of the missionaries around the world that rely on our financial support are some of the hardest working people I know. We're not here to debate all that.

I'm just saying, the slope (although I halfheartedly tried to build a set of stairs into it on a mission trip to Honduras once) is slippery.

What do you think?

(John Crist is a standup comedian. Watch his standup on Youtube,  follow him on Twitter, or visit  johncristcomedy.com)

Throwing away the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

That I am aware of, my dad is not telepathic. Yes, while pastoring the church I grew up in he did seem to know if I ever made out with a girl after youth group, but that did not require special powers. That required "deacons."

But despite that, once a year, he always exhibited an otherworldly type of power, a sixth sense as it were. If he was Haley Joel Osment in a movie he would have simply stood by the mailbox with translucent, creepy eyes and said:

"I see swimsuit photos and I throw them away."

It's true, the Reverend Mark Acuff has a 1.000 percent career throwing away the Sports Illustrated swimsuit record. He never missed. With cat like reflexes and a combination of both long game and short game, he consistently beat the teenage version of me to the mailbox.

Now that I'm a dad and not actively trying to defeat what I perceived was my father's anti body painting tyranny, I want to tell you how he did it. Maybe you can do this for your kids some day too.

4 ways to know the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Is Coming:

1. Your kids check the mail.

Let's be honest, how many times a year are your kids checking the mailbox? Maybe at Christmas, but other than that, they probably avoid it all together. But if you've got teenagers, this will be the one time of the year they are suddenly deeply engaged in the whereabouts of the mailman.

2. It's February.

Go ahead and put a little automatic reminder in your iPhone for next February. It's the same time each year. Just be smart about how you write the reminder, especially if you share your calendar at work. If you type, "Swimsuit Issue!" as your reminder, coworkers are going to think you're really, really excited about "swimsuit season."

3.CNNSI.com starts covering bikinis like they're a sport.

One day you're reading well written, journalistic articles about Linsanity and cheering on the underdog sports hero of the Knicks. The next, CNNSI.com has transformed into naked town, suddenly dropping first string sports coverage for g-string focus. This is the most obvious sign that the Sports Illustrated issue is headed to your mailbox. If you don't pick up on this one then you have even bigger problems than the Knicks do when Melo comes back and takes all of Linsanity's shots.

4. A murder of ravens.

We were warned many moons ago, yet we forget. When bare feet pad, in swimsuits clad, across this land the ravens go mad. With a darkness that makes night seem bright and a cry that makes you question the very geography of your own soul, they will take to the sky to rain down beating wings and air broken by the lashing air.

Whoa, that last one got away from a little bit. I've been reading Robert Jordan fantasy books lately. You're lucky there wasn't a unicorn or protective coyote in that last point.

Kudos dad, for tossing out the swimsuit issue. (To any haters who say, "Why didn't you just cancel your subscription, I say, "Go heels, Red Sox and Patriots" who we enjoyed the 51 other weeks of the year.)

Did your parents ever do anything like that with magazines or TV?

Are you right now?

(This is a Throwback Thursday post from a few years ago.)

The R-word.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about feeling convicted over my choice of music. I shared that lately it was getting harder for me to justify the soul-feeding benefits of explicit rap involving strippers and cocaine. (The post was over 1,000 words long, but that's pretty much the summary.)

Some fun conversation followed in the comments, but one particular thought stood out to me. Here is what someone said in response to what I wrote:

Jon…its all talk until you delete him out of your ITUNES

I really like that comment, because I really want it to be true.

When I bump into challenges in my faith, I want the solution to be as simple as deleting a file from my computer. (Or, in my case, removing it from Spotify.)

I want to press a button, feel a twinge of completeness, and walk away. But there's a problem: That's never worked in my life.

It didn't work in the seventh grade when I would go on a retreat, get on fire for God, throw CDs away, and then buy them again a month later.

And it's continued to not work. Despite the barriers, steps, and plans I come up with, I keep doing things I don't want to do and not doing things I want to do. Just like Paul said.

The truth is, that's what's so frustrating to me about God. I want him to give me a to-do list. I want him to give me some action items, and he keeps refusing.

I say to him, "Give me a solution." He says "I gave you a savior."

I say, "Give me something that will fix me forever." He says, "Walk with me today."

I say, "I want a present from you that will change me." He says, "I want you in my presence."

I want a quick fix. I want actions. I want progress I can control and monitor. And instead, in the face of all of that, God offers me something incredibly simple.

Relationship.

Why? Because that is the only thing that will lead to renewal in my heart. All the plans I craft will eventually crumble. All the good intentions I might have will fall apart. All my willpower and discipline will abandon me in my greatest time of need. But one thing remains steadfast: My relationship with God.

It's messy. It's slower than I want. It's not always the shape I'd like it to be because, though I know what I want, God is the only one who really knows what I need.

But the truth is, if I want my heart renewed, if I want my soul sanctified, if I want to be the new man God's always known I could be, I have to trust in the relationship. I have to return to the relationship. I have to give all to the relationship.

If you read this and think, "OK, I don't need a filter on my computer. Actions and plans don't matter," then I've done a poor job writing this. It's not that actions don't matter, what matters is where they come from. The actions that blossom from my relationship with God are completely different from the actions that start in my own desire to fix something.

If you've got a song you don't think you should listen to, then delete it. Delete it all day. But just know that actions alone won't change your heart. We are not designed to renew ourselves. What a sense of freedom and release from pressure I felt when I first realized that. Trying to fix me with me is exhausting.

True change, heart change, life change, can only come from one place, your relationship with a God who already commissioned the action that matters most, the death of his son on the cross for you and me.

Getting single people married as fast as possible.

Happy Valentine's Day! Here's today's entry from the Stuff Christians Like daily calendar (which is only $5).