10 ways to have a horrible first date if you're a Christian.
I once got dumped in a coat closet. The girl I had taken to the dance decided to rekindle her previous relationship with her hulking ex-boyfriend. I weighed 112 pounds and decided to bypass the face pummeling that surely awaited me if I tried to stand between her decision and her massive former beau. (I took tap dancing in high school and wasn't working out my core relentlessly like I clearly am now.)
So we broke up in the coat closet, which is the phrase people who get dumped tend to say. "We" broke up. Sure ya did. It was mutual. Right.
But today is Valentine's Day Eve, (let's hope that doesn't become a thing and we have to sit through a star-studded, plot-starved movie like New Year's Eve) and maybe you've never really had a horrible date.
It only seems right that I dip into my vast knowledge of horrible dates and Christian culture to create the perfect mashup:
10 ways to have a horrible first date if you're a Christian.
1. Go to church on your first date.
Not when it's open. Go on Valentine's Day, Tuesday night, when it's closed. Break in through a side door. Tell her to bring a tankini, but don't tell her why. One word, "Baptismal."
2. Lead with a strong opening.
When you're driving to the restaurant, tell her, "I'm really excited about this date. I don't want to be a 'bachelor 'til the rapture.'"
3. Give her a tulip.
But then ask her if she can explain the 5 points of Calvinism using said tulip. If not, take that tulip back.
4. Make a mix tape.
Or CD or playlist, however you want to say it. Put together some great songs to listen to as you drive over to the restaurant. And then be like the person at the Christian concert who screams "JESSSSSUSSSSSSS!!!!" at the top of their lungs. Will it be awkward to do that inside a car with just one other person beside you? Sure, probably the first 15 or 20 times, but eventually, he'll get used to it and involuntarily flinch when a new song comes on.
5. Ask him which Bible verse he wants to have read at your wedding.
Nothing lets a guy know you're serious about this first date like discussing which of your silver medal friends will read a verse at your wedding. (A silver medal friend is someone you like enough to be in the wedding, but not enough to actually be a bridesmaid.) Argue about which is the best verse, even though, secretly, we both know you're going with "Love is patient."
6. Tell them your love language is ferrets.
Owning ferrets, breeding ferrets, racing ferrets in a small ferret-sized version of the Kentucky Derby. Not words of affirmation. Not quality time. Ferrets.
7. Tell him you play handbells at church.
And then, play them during your entire date. He says something funny in the car? Clang! Your meal is good at dinner? Clang, clang! He's a good listener? Clang, clang, clannnggggggg! (Whether you wear the white handbell gloves or not is on you. I can't figure out your entire life for you, this is a two-way street.)
8. Tell her you don't pray before dinner, you mime.
If it's me, I'm breaking out all the mime favorites when the meal comes. Sin is an invisible rope around me. Satan has me in a box. I'm walking up some invisible stairs to heaven. If she seems responsive to your mimery, don't talk the rest of the night. Mime the date. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
9. Come in character.
If you're a guy, show up dressed as Boaz. Ladies? Martha or Mary, whichever was the fun one. I always get them confused. You laugh, but nothing lets a lady know you're serious about the Bible like a John the Baptist camel hair snuggie.
10. Mutter about Paul all night.
Nothing makes a first date run smoothly like continually muttering under your breath, "And everyone thought I had been blessed with Paul's 'gift of singleness, I'll show them!"
At the end of the day, this blog is about changing lives. And well, I'm pretty sure I did that today.
But I can't be the only one with a history of horrible dates.
What's the worst date you've been on?
