Jon Acuff's Blog, page 112

SCLQ – Why what you are doing matters more than you think.

In January, I wrote a month of posts on JonAcuff.com about something I call "FinishYear." The basic idea is to challenge you and I to finish things that matter in 2012. The dreams you start never change the world. Only the dreams you finish change the world.

And it's been encouraging to me to interact with a lot of people who are working on things that matter.

I started to think, though, if you're not reading jonacuff.com, maybe you could use a little encouragement too. You see, sometimes as you work on things, it's easy to think they don't matter.

You don't see progress.

You don't see change.

You get negative feedback from someone, and eventually maybe you don't see the point in going on.

But what I've learned in almost four years of writing this blog is that we have no idea how God is going to use what we do. Our efforts, the results of our actions, both might feel insignificant to us, but in God's economy they might change the world.

Because he tells big, crazily connected stories, and I don't want you to stop being part of the one he's telling in your life just because you can't see where it's going.

Over Christmas, someone posted a comment on my Facebook page. I couldn't have predicted this when I started the SCL blog, I couldn't have imagined this, and yet here is a story that's true. My hope is that you'll read it and be reminded, like I was, that in God's hands, our small, silly stories can have a big, unexpected impact in the world.

What someone wrote on my wall:

I was 20 weeks pregnant, and this past week, my husband and I found out we were no longer expecting this child we hoped for. I was rushed into surgery yesterday, Friday December 17th. We waited around the hospital for many, many hours, doing lots of blood work and x-rays. I have your book "Stuff Christians Like" on my Kindle iPhone. I read it throughout the day as we waited in between procedures. My husband and I laughed and giggled as I read entries from the book. As our hearts were devastated for our loss, your book brought much needed comic relief. Laughing really lifted our spirits. My favorite entry, among many, was the one about Somber Christian Syndrome, and I just giggled the whole time reading it. With all the medication I was on and injected with, there is truly no better medicine than laughter. Thank you for your gift of humor and for writing Stuff Christians Like.

 

10 ways to have a horrible first date if you're a Christian.

I once got dumped in a coat closet. The girl I had taken to the dance decided to rekindle her previous relationship with her hulking ex-boyfriend. I weighed 112 pounds and decided to bypass the face pummeling that surely awaited me if I tried to stand between her decision and her massive former beau. (I took tap dancing in high school and wasn't working out my core relentlessly like I clearly am now.)

So we broke up in the coat closet, which is the phrase people who get dumped tend to say. "We" broke up. Sure ya did. It was mutual. Right.

But today is Valentine's Day Eve, (let's hope that doesn't become a thing and we have to sit through a star-studded, plot-starved movie like New Year's Eve) and maybe you've never really had a horrible date.

It only seems right that I dip into my vast knowledge of horrible dates and Christian culture to create the perfect mashup:

10 ways to have a horrible first date if you're a Christian.

1. Go to church on your first date.

Not when it's open. Go on Valentine's Day, Tuesday night, when it's closed. Break in through a side door. Tell her to bring a tankini, but don't tell her why. One word, "Baptismal."

2. Lead with a strong opening.

When you're driving to the restaurant, tell her, "I'm really excited about this date. I don't want to be a 'bachelor 'til the rapture.'"

3. Give her a tulip.

But then ask her if she can explain the 5 points of Calvinism using said tulip. If not, take that tulip back.

4. Make a mix tape.

Or CD or playlist, however you want to say it. Put together some great songs to listen to as you drive over to the restaurant. And then be like the person at the Christian concert who screams "JESSSSSUSSSSSSS!!!!" at the top of their lungs. Will it be awkward to do that inside a car with just one other person beside you? Sure, probably the first 15 or 20 times, but eventually, he'll get used to it and involuntarily flinch when a new song comes on.

5. Ask him which Bible verse he wants to have read at your wedding.

Nothing lets a guy know you're serious about this first date like discussing which of your silver medal friends will read a verse at your wedding. (A silver medal friend is someone you like enough to be in the wedding, but not enough to actually be a bridesmaid.) Argue about which is the best verse, even though, secretly, we both know you're going with "Love is patient."

6. Tell them your love language is ferrets.

Owning ferrets, breeding ferrets, racing ferrets in a small ferret-sized version of the Kentucky Derby. Not words of affirmation. Not quality time. Ferrets.

7. Tell him you play handbells at church.

And then, play them during your entire date. He says something funny in the car? Clang! Your meal is good at dinner? Clang, clang! He's a good listener? Clang, clang, clannnggggggg! (Whether you wear the white handbell gloves or not is on you. I can't figure out your entire life for you, this is a two-way street.)

8. Tell her you don't pray before dinner, you mime.

If it's me, I'm breaking out all the mime favorites when the meal comes. Sin is an invisible rope around me. Satan has me in a box. I'm walking up some invisible stairs to heaven. If she seems responsive to your mimery, don't talk the rest of the night. Mime the date. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

9. Come in character.

If you're a guy, show up dressed as Boaz. Ladies? Martha or Mary, whichever was the fun one. I always get them confused. You laugh, but nothing lets a lady know you're serious about the Bible like a John the Baptist camel hair snuggie.

10. Mutter about Paul all night.

Nothing makes a first date run smoothly like continually muttering under your breath, "And everyone thought I had been blessed with Paul's 'gift of singleness, I'll show them!"

At the end of the day, this blog is about changing lives. And well, I'm pretty sure I did that today.

But I can't be the only one with a history of horrible dates.

What's the worst date you've been on?

What are you praying about?

Today's short Saturday question is simple. What are you praying about?

What's something kicking around in your head or heart right now?

I try to do this post once a season. Why? Because this site is read in 97% of the countries in the world and the readers of SCL have a steady stream of prayer needs and a huge willingness to pray for each other.

So what is something you'd love some prayer about today?

SNL-ing a Christian book.

(It's guest post Friday! When I wrote the book Quitter, my editor removed an entire chapter. I was crushed at first until he explained why. He said, "You're just repeating yourself. The ideas in this chapter aren't new and it reads like filler." And he was right. So when Ken Edwards submitted this guest post, I knew I had to share because as a writer, I'm guilty of thinking this way sometimes. And, you've probably read a book exactly like the ones Ken is about to describe. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

SNL-ing a Christian book. By Ken Edwards

The thing that's always frustrated me about Saturday Night Live is that the show is about 40% too long. It's usually funny from 11:30 until maybe 12:15 or 12:20, but then almost all of what happens from there up until 1 am isn't even remotely funny. And I've wondered for the last 25 years, why don't they just sign off at 12:30 and be done with it?

It would be really easy to do. Instead of 5-minute sketches, make them 3. The first 3 are usually funny, but then they just drag on for seemingly no reason. Why not get in there, hit the punch line, make your point, then bow out gracefully?

I wonder the same thing about most Christian books. It seems that they are all—well, at least the ones I've read—about 40% too long. In a 200-page Christian book, the author has pretty much exhaustively made his/her point by page 140.

And sometimes I can actually see it. I'm nearing the end of Chapter 9. There was a thought-provoking foreword by some famous author/speaker/preacher. The biblical justification for the author's point has been made. It has been backed up by detailed life stories, illustrations and examples. There have been a few solid object lessons using farm animals. The condition of my heart has been effectively compared to how some type of machinery works. The author has cleverly sprinkled name-droppings throughout his prose. I've done justice to all the supplementary study/discussion questions.

And I see it. All we need is the last piece of tape and the ribbon on this bountiful gift of truth and wisdom. Just pull this thing into the garage and shut 'er down. Roll the credits. Let the clock run out. Blow the 5 o'clock whistle. This baby is over. But then…but then…

Chapter 10.

Noooooo!!!!! I utter a painful scream akin to when I accidentally bump my bad knee against the coffee table in the middle of the night on the way to the fridge. And so it continues. Not just through Chapter 10, but all the way to Chapter 17!

Are you kidding me? And now I'm in a quandary. I got the point. I have several quotes I can spew out at my next small group. I should just put this thing down and walk away.

But I can't. What if in the ensuing chapters of rehash, and rehash of the rehash, and rehash of the rehash of the rehash, there's some buried nugget of life-changing truth? After a few more chapters of what surely was the result of a copy-paste-fest, what if the author goes, "Oh, gosh, I almost left out the most important point in this entire book."

Cut me some slack! I'm a slow reader anyway. I was never hooked on any phonics. I'm not one of these super readers who can finish an entire hard-cover John Grisham book in one afternoon at the beach. I haven't read every hip and relevant book on the planet cover to cover. But I probably would have if they'd taken the final curtain call a few chapters earlier.

And then I find myself in conversations like this…

Super-Hip-And-Relevant-Christian-Reader: "Hey, have you read 'The You-Me Principle'?"

Me: "No, I've heard about it, but I haven't gotten around to reading it." (OK, that's a lie. I've never heard of it.)

S.H.A.R.C.R.: "What! You haven't read 'The You-Me Principle'? I thought everyone who had any kind of worthwhile relationship with Jesus had read 'The You-Me Principle'."

Me: "Well, uh, no, I haven't read it."

S.H.A.R.C.R.: "How are you able to even function in a world of self-aggrandizing egomaniacs without having read 'The You-Me Principle'?"

Me: "I don't know, but I seem to be making it so far. So, how far into the book are you?"

S.H.A.R.C.R.: "I don't know. Maybe 60%."

Me: "Well then you can save me a lot of frustration and heartache by just telling me everything there is to know about it, because you're effectively done."

Listen, my mom never walked in after a delicious and filling 3-course family dinner with another pot roast. We came, we ate, maybe we belched a little, then we just walked away from the table.

Can we just go with less rehash and maybe some more pictures if you need filler? And could we go with a one-hour SNL?

Question:

What's a Christian book you read that felt too short? Let's not fill up the comments with books that were too long. Instead, what's a book that was so good, you were sad when it was over?

 

Surviving church as a single.

We are mere days away from Valentine's Day and I must share a brief confession.

Single adults, I have failed you.

Although I've written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I've never really done that topic justice.

So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the "get married right this second" friends to the "this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that's enough in common to fall in love" friends, it's all here.

And I can't take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point-based scorecard.

Ready to play?



The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry, but it's combined with the college ministry, which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a freshman!"

Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry, but it's a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry, but it's the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers who refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment: "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point

6. Someone told you, "If you stop looking for love, you'll find it." +2 points for each time you've heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the "singles" section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, "This is Matt, my single friend." = +2 points

9. When people introduce you, they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, "This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan, and has a very, very stable job." = +3 points

10. Your friends who have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don't remember anything about dating and therefore can't give you any advice. "It's been so long since I dated, and things have changed so much. I'm just out of that whole scene." + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because "you're single, you've got so much free time." = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, "How are you doing?" and you respond with, "Things are great right now. I love my life!" = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, "What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?" = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, "If you want to get married, you need to ______." = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, "Did I just wake you up?" = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don't get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you'll never get married. = -2 points

17. You've secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming "the cat lady." = – 2 points

18. You've ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered "bachelors," while women are instantly judged as "crazy cat ladies." = – 3 points

19. You've got a "don't perpetuate the cat lady stereotype," monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the "it's not good for man to be alone" Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church, they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, "No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church." (I've said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you're too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine's Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine's Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person who leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they've been married.

26. Someone told you, "Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman." = +2 points for each time it wasn't sincere encouragement.

27. You didn't know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because "you're in a relationship already." = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, "I'll be praying that this is the one!" = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that, until you get married too, you can't be close again. Because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four-week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, "And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married." = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to "not going to church today" after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the "Paul was never married" card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she's available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor til' the rapture." = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people who are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. Your friend says that creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You've developed highly sensitive, "They're about to throw the bouquet" radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you're "single," your friends describe you as "not married yet." = +2 points

How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren't on that list?

Singles of the world unite, post your score proudly, and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.

(This is a Throwback Thursday post from a few years ago.)

Does God want you to be miserable?

When people talk to me about geography in Nashville, I do one of two things:

1. I nod my head and pretend I know what part of the city they are referring to.

2. I tell them, "I don't know where that is. We just moved here."

Neither one of those two responses is entirely true. Pretending I know is not true and saying we just moved here isn't true. We've lived here for 18 months. So why don't I know my way around town yet?

Because I kissed geography goodbye when I was a kid.

I decided a long time ago that I didn't have room in my head for street names or directions or addresses. I realized I had limited real estate in my brain and essentially told geography, "Kick rocks chump."

Would it be fair to say that, as a young boy, I predicted a future in which we would all have handheld GPS units? Is the term "visionary" one we should use to describe me? Tough to say, but the reality is that years ago I bid adieu to both geography and math.

As a writer, math is my Achilles' heel. The mere mention of numbers makes me cringe. I am approximately one year away from not being able to help my 8-year-old with her math homework. I hate math.

Which is why I used to think God would call me into the mission field to teach calculus.

My fear was that, if I gave God my life, if I turned over all my hopes and dreams to him, he would instantly make me train to become a "mathlete." I'd have to get an abacus and complicated calculator and spend my days doing things I hated to do.

Why?

Because I thought that's how God did things.

And I'm not the only one who thinks that way sometimes.

I do a joke when I speak to church groups. I say, "Every Christian knows that the first thing God does if you give him your life is make you move to Africa to become a missionary. You'll go zero to hut in about 4.2 seconds." And folks laugh, but there's a crazy truth behind that joke. If we think the first thing God will do to us if we come close to him is the worst thing we can imagine, then we serve the worst God ever.

If you're not wired to be a missionary in Guam, if nothing about that feels at all like what God has uniquely created you to do, why would he immediately call you to that task if you trusted him with your life?

That's an extreme example, but you'd be surprised how often I saw that happen last year. Because I wrote a book about closing the gap between your day job and your dream job, a lot of people have talked with me about figuring out what they're called to do.

And it's amazing how many people think being a Christian means doing the opposite of what you're passionate about.

A chaplain told me that one of his college students came to him and said, "I'm conflicted. I really want to serve the Lord, but I love film making. I don't know what to do."

That word "but" is such a beautiful trick by the enemy. That young man felt alive and filled with joy when he made films. In those moments, though, he couldn't imagine that God was happy about that, or enjoyed him making films or could be served and glorified through film making.

He didn't say, "I really want to serve the Lord, and I love film making." He said, "I really want to serve the Lord, but I love film making."

I don't know how exactly we got here. I think, in some ways, it's an extreme over-correction to the prosperity gospel. When you talk about how good God is, people can't wait to say, "He's not an ATM machine in the sky who magically gives you whatever you want?" But who ever said that? Who said that a life filled with the joy of God was devoid of hardship or never full of moments where you must mourn as loud as you dance?

I'm sad for a culture where there is serving God on one side, and on the other side of that is joy. Where those two things are believed to be separate. Where we are forced to take our individual talents, put them under our bed, apologize about them and try to fit the handful of "serving opportunities" that match our definition of Christian.

I think back to the conversion of Paul.

Do you remember before he became a Christian? When he was called Saul?

He was a bold, powerful, vigilant persecutor of believers. And then God met him on the road to Damascus and turned him into a quiet, meek bookkeeper who spent his remaining days in a cave alone transcribing ancient texts.

Not at all! God turned him into a bold, powerful, vigilant promoter of belief.

He didn't squelch what was inside Paul. He didn't ignore the talents he himself had placed there. If anything, he called them out in deeper, louder, more beautiful ways. He showed Paul what it really meant to be Paul!

Maybe you will be a missionary. Maybe that's the call you will get. But if it's not, please don't for a second believe that God wants you to be miserable. That he wants to call you into an adventure where your true gifts will shrivel up and die. That his chief aim is to make sure you never experience joy in his presence.

Because that's not the kind of God who would ever love you enough to send his son to die for you.

Taking a chaperone with you on a date.

There are some Christian colleges that require you to take a school appointed chaperone with you if go out on a date with somebody.

I have so many questions about that practice:

1. Do you get to choose the chaperone who goes with you? Like, what if everyone hates Brian the chaperone cause he chews with his mouth open at dinner, and he talks during movies? Do you get to refuse to have Brian and, instead, get to audition other chaperones? "Bill, I'd love to have you along on this date I'm about to go on, but it was a little pitchy for me, dawg."

2. Do they sit at the table with you while you eat, or are they sitting off in a different table? Far enough away that it doesn't feel awkward, but close enough that if you try to make out they can Matrix dive across the restaurant and shot block you?

3. If they do sit with you at dinner, do you have to make conversation with them too? If you ask your date, "Where's the one place in the world you wish you could travel?" Does Brian jump in and say, "Hawaii! Definitely Hawaii, om nom nom, smack smack while I eat my baby back ribs."

4. Would it be weirder if the chaperone talked during dinner or kept silent? I think it would kind of feel like there was a creepy serial killer at the table if the whole night he just silently took small bites of food while he watched you eat.

5. Do I have to pay for the chaperone's meal at the restaurant? If that's the case, Brian, you're drinking water buddy and ordering from the "appetizers" portion of the menu.

6. What if the chaperone hits it off better with the girl on the date than you do? The college would have to make sure the chaperones you hired had no game.

7. What if you went out dancing for the date? Do all three of you have to dance together? I'm kidding!! If you had to take a chaperone, you're not going dancing. That was a trick question!

I attended Samford University, a Baptist college, but they didn't have this practice. It's therefore hard for me to really say whether it's great or not. I will say, though, that if I have to buy Brian dinner, and he tries to order lobster, it's going to be a short date. He's going home with a black eye, and I'm going home with some sort of Charlie Sheen level of demerits.

What about you? Did your college have any rules like this? (Separate dorms, house dates, chaperones, etc.?)

The digital version of plucking out your eye.

When I was a kid, I was terrified of Mark 2:47. (If you didn't grow up in the church, that kind of sounds like the name of a robot. In the movie Short Circuit, the robot was called "Johnny 5." Maybe I'm just deathly afraid of robots with human names.)

Here's what Mark 2:47 actually says:

"And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell."

The thing I was most afraid of was the word "pluck." That is such a casual word. I had this fear that one day I'd be watching a movie, like Doc Hollywood, and all the sudden some completely unnecessary nudity would occur. My parents, who did rent that movie for me when I was young because "Hey, it's just Michael J. Fox!," would turn and say, "Oh no, I bet you saw that with your eye, Jon. Hand me my plucking shears."

Looking back on it, that seems like a pretty reasonable fear. And though I escaped adolescence with both eyes intact, I have started to see people do a digital version of the "pluck your eye out" move.

Take me for instance: I deleted my friends list on Twitter.

I still follow everyone and love doing so, but I deleted the list of 30 friends I had created.

Why?

Because, as I explained in this post, I was acting like a jealous 7th grade girl. Every time one of my friends would post some amazing tweet about the greatest night of friendship and food and life-changing awesomeness they'd ever had, I would immediately think, "Awww, thanks for not inviting me." Then I'd get jealous and all ridiculous.

So I deleted the list.

Now when I run into a friend, I don't know everything that's happened to them in the last 7 days (which is exactly how 1999 was). And then, they get to surprise me with what's going on in their lives, at which point I celebrate with them, versus being jealous of them.

And I'm not the only one that's plucking their digital eye out.

A close friend of mine deleted her entire Facebook account. Other friends of mine have taken digital fasts. Bit by bit, I've seen more and more people getting their digital pluck on.

Will that approach to social media fit perfectly for everyone? Of course not, just like not everybody enjoys corduroys as much as I do. I'm OK with that. You're missing out obviously. The pants actually audibly proclaim your arrival when you walk into someone's office. But, whatever, try to tell me you're living a full life without that experience. Whatever.

How about you though?

Have you or anyone you know plucked out a digital eye ?

Church Greeter Ninjas

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Stewart Conkle.  He writes a blog called Hustle and Go. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

Church Greeter Ninjas by Stewart Conkle

I was raised in a very big, very popular, traditional church in Atlanta. As a child, I remember going to BIG church for the first time. I was in awe. The auditorium was cavernous. It was ornately decorated. The lighting fixtures that hung from the ceiling were gold and shiny. The carpet was burnt orange, and the choir members wore baby blue robes that really made the two colors pop.

The greeters at this church were mostly elderly people. The women wore long dresses. Usually with flower prints. The men all wore three-piece suits and heavy cologne. (Possibly a musk of some sort, an Old Spice perhaps.) That's how it used to be.

Churches have changed drastically over the years. The older, traditional churches are becoming more rare. The men and women who greet you at the door, dressed to the nines, are all but gone.

The greeters of today are like highly trained, very friendly covert ninjas. They dress to look like you and I. They prefer t-shirts and denim instead of fancy suits. They wear Chuck Taylors instead of penny loafers. In short, they blend in. Becoming one with the crowd because that's what ninjas do.

They are always mindful of visitors because first impressions go a long way. There is a subtlety to what they do. They want to make you feel at home, but they don't want to smother you. They want to give you the answers you seek, but they don't want to overload you with info. Their senses are keen, and they have eyes like an eagle. They can see a first-time visitor when they pull into the parking lot. Here are three things that give first-timers away.

1. First-timers are bewildered.

Greeter ninjas can see it in our eyes. We first-timers are looking for something but not sure what. Our eyes dart around randomly. We aren't sure where to go or what to do. This is where the greeter ninja has to act fast. Timing is crucial. Every second I'm lost as a first-time visitor equates to another reason why I won't come back. It can be a traumatic time for first-timers, and the greeter has to be our rock.

2. First-timers often come in packs.

No one wants to visit an unfamiliar place alone. First-time visitors often recruit a support group. Family. Friends. Random people in the parking lot. For the greeter ninja, the pack is easy to spot. We clump up and move together like a school of fish. We all have the same mindset. Just like point number one, if one of us is bewildered, then we're all bewildered. Again, it's crucial that the greeter ninja acts fast when they see the pack in distress.

3. First-timers are rarely on time.

There are a myriad of reasons why I might be late the first time I visit your church. It's sometimes on purpose. I'm not sure of how the church worships and that creates anxiety. Do they do the hands in the air thing, or do they sit and sing softly so that no one can hear their voice? Do they sing songs they know, or do they sing the new song that is ten minutes long, has 12 verses, and was written by the worship pastor? Those are all valid points. However, greeters rarely get the set list in advance. Sorry. You're on your own there kid.

The biggest reason we first-timers are late is that we get lost in the labyrinth of cones and cars in the parking lot. If I'm not careful, I'll circle the parking lot for eternity. This is where our parking lot greeter ninjas come in. Acting quickly, they giftedly guide and direct first-timers, one car load at a time.

We have all been first-time visitors. The greeter ninjas know how you feel. They know both the stress and the excitement of visiting a new church. Keep in mind that they, the greeters, are there for you. In the shadows. Ready to assist when the moment arrives.

Question:

Does your church have greeters?

(For more great stuff from Stewart, read his blog or follow him on Twitter!) 

SCLQ – Sexy Marriage Songs

Yikes! "Sexy" in the title. Hellooooo increased blog traffic. What? That kind of thing stopped working in 2007? Oh. Good to know.

But traffic indulging title aside, it's February, which means Valentine's Day, which means it's time for a few love flavored posts. Starting with today's.

A friend* of mine once told me something that I thought was funny. I tend to pass on funny things directly to you. (No Ticketmaster "handling charge." I send it your way immediately for free.) Here is what he told me:

"Jon (people in stories you tell always use your first name when talking to you), I used to not listen to Rihanna songs or Lady Gaga songs because I thought they were dirty. But then I got married and now I imagine that those songs are about two married people, much like myself and my wife. Am I weird?"

My first thought was maybe. But then I thought, maybe not. It's hard for me to say because I'm older than some of y'all (I can feel the rain a comin' in my knee) and tend to have songs from the 80s and 90s on my slow jam mix. Think Chris Isaak "Wicked Game" or Mazzy Star "Fade into you."

But what about you? If you're single, have you ever thought, "That song is too dirty to listen to right now, but in the context of marriage that is going on the mix tape?"

If you're married, have you ever thought, "Hello formerly forbidden music, welcome to the Song of Solomon?"

Or is my friend just weird?

 

*I know you think that there is no friend and I'm the one who thinks that about music. I promise there is a friend and he doesn't live near the Niagara Falls region. Breakfast Club reference? See, I'm old.