Jon Acuff's Blog, page 116

#1 of 2011: Running into famous Christians. (AKA, the "Michael W. Smith Incident.")

If you follow me on Twitter @jonacuff, and really should because it's a pretty delightful experience, you know that last Friday, Christian recording legend Michael W. Smith was on my flight to Denver. I was literally "going west young man" with Michael W. Smith.

He lives probably 6 minutes from me in Franklin, but I've never actually met him. I like to pretend I'm cool and not impressed by famous people, but I got really nervous when I saw him.

Because we were both on Southwest, I had a chance to sit in the row next to him. I actually asked an elderly woman on the aisle to stand up so that I could sit in the middle of the row across from him. She struggled to her feet, at which point I wussed out, told her to sit back down and took a seat two rows behind Michael W. Smith.

I had a copy of the Stuff Christians Like book in my bag and started to debate whether I should give it to him. I told the mom next to me what was going on and she started plotting too. Here are a few things that went through my head:

1. Is he asleep? I can't tell if he's asleep. His seat is reclined. Am I about to be the guy who wakes someone up on the plane?

2. Oh no, he's wearing sunglasses. Even if I walk to the front of the plane, for a fake bathroom run just to do reconnaissance, I won't be able to tell if he's awake.

3. The lady next to me just offered that her 10-year-old could walk by him, bump him, and wake him up for me. Would it be weird if I took her up on that offer? That's probably weird.

4. What if I hand him Stuff Christians Like, and he thinks it's a mockery of Christianity, not a celebration of it? Do I have to craft the perfect sentence to explain the entire heart of the book and then deliver that sentence crouched in the aisle of an airplane at 30,000 feet?

5. I need to make sure to mention that "Zondervan" published the book. They also publish the Bible, he'll definitely have heard of them and will be less likely to refuse the book.

6. Should I hand it to the lady in front of me and ask her to pass it up to him? Is that crazy?

7. The lady next to me's son is crying because he's afraid of flying. Should I send the crying kid to deliver the book? Nobody would refuse a book from a crying kid.

8. Am I the worst person on the planet for thinking about having a crying kid deliver my book? Definitely.

9. If this experience becomes a blog post, should I edit out that last part so that people think I'm a better person than I really am? Nope.

10. The lady next to me just offered to go up to him and say, "Are you Michael W. Smith? What are the chances! I just met the author Jon Acuff two rows behind you. He wrote a great book." Would that work?

11. How great is this lady next to me?

12. Speaking of great, how great is it that Michael W. Smith is flying Southwest? Legit.

13. What if I hand him the book, and he leg sweeps me or punches me right in the breadbox. If he's seated and I'm standing, would he have access to the breadbox?

14. Did the idea about "Always singing friends are friends forever on the last night of camp" make it into the Stuff Christians Like book? (Flip, flip, flip.) Nope.

15. What if I just started singing that instead? Would other people on the plane join in? Would that be awkward, or would I "find my place in this world?"

16. It would be better if I had a synthesizer with me. I wish I had a travel synthesizer with me. I bet I can get one in Sky Mall.

17. Why did I think of the breadbox? Isn't that an old timey, vaudeville term for gut? Why is that word in my head?

18. Would it be better to give the book to the lady next to me? She asked where she could buy it. Should I give it to her? Celebrities are just people too. This lady is every bit as special as Michael W. Smith in God's eyes.

19. Did I just Jesus Juke myself?

So what did I do?

After the stewardess took his drink order, I sprang from my seat like a slightly awkward panther.

I said something like "I just wanted to thank you for using the gifts God gave you so faithfully and so consistently. I wrote a book with Zondervan. It's a satire of all the funny things we do within the context of Christianity and faith. I'd love to give you a copy. Thanks!"

And then I retreated to my seat. 3 feet away. He was super kind, incredibly gracious and the whole thing took about 14 seconds.

Here is what I thought next:

1. The lady next to me just said that he's reading the book. Is he?

2. In a few minutes he's going to start laughing so loud that the pilot is probably going to need to make an announcement asking him to quiet down.

3. We'll probably become best friends by the end of this flight.

4. I wonder if he owns horses? I bet he owns horses. Man, it's going to be so fun to ride horses with Michael W. Smith when we're best friends.

5. He's standing up and getting something out of the overhead compartment. Is he putting the book away 'cause he hated it? Or is he getting out some highlighters and a notebook so that he can really soak in the deep wisdom I've written? It's definitely one of those two options.

6. I should write this down right now because it's a great example of how crazy I am.

That's the internal dialogue I experienced in approximately 11 minutes. And I wrote this post on the plane right after I gave him the book. When I share these kind of thoughts with my wife, she often says, "It must be exhausting to be you," and it is.

But is that weird?

Have you ever bumped into a Christian celebrity?

If so, who?

If not, whom would you like to meet?

#2 for 2011: Believing the phrase "Just saying" is some magical get out of being a jerk card.

I'm not sure where this phrase started. Although I have three friends who all individually swear they were the ones who created the hybrid word "chillaxing," no one has claimed this phrase to the best of my knowledge.

Yet there it is, popping up like Canada Geese on golf courses. (Is there a more pretentious bird on the planet, by the way?) You can't go on Facebook without seeing it. You can't go on Twitter without it dancing across the screen. Friend after friend is using it. It's practically social media punctuation at this point.

Just saying.

If you've never experienced it before, where do you live so that I can move there and experience this "Just saying-less utopia" you've discovered? I bet it's in Colorado, seems like a lot of good stuff is in Colorado these days. But here's how it works if you've never seen it wielded at the hand of a Christian:

One part snark + One part bitterness + Just saying = Complete forgiveness for whatever you've just said.

But here's why I don't like it. Here's why I've thrown my social media weight in with the People Against Just Saying Coalition (PAJSC), a group I just invented. (It's pronounced "Paj" like "Cas" from the first part of cashmere. The S and the C are silent.)

Reasons I'm against "Just saying"

1. You're not fooling anyone.

Adding a smiley emoticon at the end of a bitter sentence doesn't remove the bitterness. Neither does "Just saying." You can't Mary Poppins your way out of this with a spoonful of sugar.

2. At no point in the Bible is the phrase referenced.

I'm almost positive when we're told to love our neighbors there's not a follow-up verse that says, "Unless you've got some barb you want to throw and are able to tie it all perfectly with a 'just saying.'"

3. It sounds like something the Pharisees would say.

Speaking of the Bible, can't you see the Pharisees saying this phrase nonstop? "Jesus, you healed someone on the Sabbath, which is against ancient law. Just saying."

4. It's cowardly.

I've used this phrase before, and the reason I did was because I was being a wuss. I had something I wanted to say but still wanted to hold on to my thin veneer of holiness, so I said something mean and then ended the thought with "just saying." Or, maybe you have something legitimate that needs to be said to someone in an email. Maybe it's a tough bit of love or critique that you're afraid to give them. Instead of coming right out and saying it, you couch it in sarcasm and try to soften it with "Just saying." Don't. Let's not be cowards.

My hope is that you'll join the PAJSC and turn in the phrase "Just saying" at the convenient drop-off locations we've set up across the country. Plus, membership comes with a really soft hoodie. The kind that feels like you've owned it for 14 years and used to wear it to Kanakuk Kamps when you were a kid. So that's something.

But if you don't, if you want to keep using the phrase "Just saying," go right ahead. That's between you and God and baby Jesus. Just saying.

Question:

Have you ever seen someone use the phrase "Just saying" online?

#3 for 2011: Calling your wife your "bride."

I'm going to lose readers on this one. Even as I start writing this post, I can hear metaphorical car doors slamming shut and tires peeling away from SCL into the vast blogosphere in search of better posts to read. But I have to make a confession, and I can't hold it back any more.

It weirds me out a little when a guy refers to his wife as his "bride."

Unless it's your wedding day, telling me, "I need to go see my bride," sounds a little strange to me. If it's your big day and you're about to go down the aisle, bride it up. Say bride all day long like it was your J.O.B. Go bride wild. I'll even get in on the action and say things like, "Your bride looks beautiful today." Or "It's going to be amazing for you to see your bride walk down the aisle!" I'm 100% down for calling your wife "bride" on the day you get married.

The day after your wedding? I'm not so sure. Here's why:

1. Ladies never do the equivalent.

I see guys on Twitter and Facebook talk about their brides all the time. A friend once said to me, "Please tell your bride thanks for sharing you with us this weekend when you came and spoke to our church." But I have never, ever seen a lady call her man her "groom" after the wedding. I've never heard a girl say, "I need to get home to my groom. I've been really missing my groom."

2. It feels a little medieval.

Whenever I hear someone say, "My bride and I have a really full weekend planned," I instantly imagine, "Of course you do. Probably going to do some jousting, eat a giant turkey leg, maybe pull a sword from a stone. Big weekend planned. I'm not sure if you and your fair lady will have time for Bed Bath & Beyond this weekend."

3. It feels a smidge too fancy.

It would feel way too formal if I was ever at a dinner party and someone I worked with said, "Hey Jon, come here, I'd like you to meet my bride." My first thought would be, "Wait, am I at your wedding right now? She's wearing shorts and flip flops, but I must be at your wedding if I'm meeting your bride."

As I researched this idea, in my head mostly, I felt like there were two possible reasons to call your wife your bride. The first is that it's biblical. Isn't the church called "the bride of Christ?" It's not called the "wife of Christ." So using "bride" could be a throwback to the Bible. So maybe saying "bride" is like answering the question, "What Would Jesus Do?" He'd say bride. OK, I get that.

The other reason I could see you using this word is that your wife loves it. If my wife wanted me to call her my bride and that made her feel loved, the title of this post would be "People who don't call their wives their 'brides' are stupid." So maybe that's why you do it.

Me personally? I call my wife "Brown Sugar" like D'Angelo suggested. But I'm hip hop.

What's your take?

Do you call your wife your bride? Does your husband call you that?

What's your opinion?

#4 in 2011: "Wait, what???" Bible verses.

Sometimes, if I am reading the Bible too quickly, I have a Wile E. Coyote moment. Often when chasing the Road Runner, Wile E. would get so focused on what he was doing that he would run 15 feet off a cliff without realizing it. Then he would pause in mid air, look at the camera, then at his feet and plummet.

I feel that way sometimes while reading the Bible. I'll get in a rhythm and start making progress. I'll be cruising through Genesis and Exodus, moving along at a good clip, flying by the material, until out of nowhere I'll pause, mid thought and say, "Wait, what???"

I'll go back a few verses and realize that I breezed past something outrageous that at first glance I took as commonplace. Recognizing my error I'll push pause, reread the verse and then fall off a theological cliff much like Wile E.

That's exactly what happened to me last Monday. I was reading Exodus 4 when God gives Moses his marching orders. Here is what verse 21 – 23 says:

The Lord said to Moses, "When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go. Then say to Pharaoh, 'This is what the Lord says: Israel is my firstborn son, and I told you, "Let my son go, so he may worship me." But you refused to let him go; so I will kill your firstborn son.'"

God is giving Moses instructions. Dire, serious instructions, but thus far I am as pastors love to say, "tracking with him." I get what is happening, having discussed the Passover story and the plight of the Israelites a lot growing up. So, at Wile E. Coyote speed I continue to the next verse:

"At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him."

Wait, what??? In one verse, God is telling Moses what to do, and in the next verse he's about to kill him. Not, "thinking about killing him," but "about to," as in "this is on like Donkey Kong."

I might be the only one who has had a "Wait, What???" Bible verse moment, but if you ever experience one, there are three things you should know:

 1. Slow your flow.

It's not a race. If you catch yourself running over cliffs regularly, chances are you're speed reading the Bible. Slow down Vin Diesel. No need to get fast and/or furious through Exodus.

 2. Version it out.

When I run off a cliff, I immediately check other versions of the Bible. NIV, ESV, KJV, ETC. My coworker recently told me he read that someone had "vanished right before their eyes." His version made it sound like Phillip had Scott Bakula'd right out of there. We checked multiple versions to figure out the text.

 3. Enjoy the pause.

You can read the Bible 1 million times and pick up 1 millions different things. That's the beauty of the word of God. He's going to highlight and call out new things each time you crack it open. Don't think a "Wait, What????" verse is a bad thing. It might be exactly what you need to read.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read the Bible and had a "Wait, What???" moment?

What verse gives you pause?

#5 in 2011: Kissing Metaphors in Worship Music

(Over the years, Bryan Allain has written some fantastic guest posts on SCL. He's one of my friends who I hope gets to publish a book someday because he's a funny, smart honest writer. He's also just started BlogRocket.com to help other bloggers blow their blogs up. Today he shares, a brilliant post about a song most of us know and love. Enjoy.)

Kissing Metaphors in Worship Music

If you're not familiar with John Mark McMillan's song "How He Loves," first off tell me what it's like to live in a cave. Do you pee in one corner of the cave, or do you go outside to do your business and risk being mauled by a jaguar with your pants down?

Either way, "How He Loves" is a popular song in churches right now, and one of the more memorable lines in the song goes something like this:

"So heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss."

Now, you're gonna be shocked to hear this (I hope you're sitting down in the urine-free corner of your cave), but some artists and congregations aren't comfortable throwing in imagery more commonly associated with a 7th grade make-out party into their worship songs.

As a result, another version of the song has been recorded that describes the heaven-earth collision as a slightly different lip lock:

So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

I bring all this up because, a few months ago, I was speaking at a youth retreat and I overheard the following conversation between one of the youth leaders and the guest worship band:

Youth Leader: You guys did a great job tonight, but I wanted to let you know if you do "How He Loves" again, our kids are cool with the "sloppy wet kiss version."

Worship Leader: Oh, are they? Okay, cool. I forgot to ask you about that, so we just did "unforeseen kiss."

YL: No, our kids like the "sloppy wet kiss" way better.

WL: Yeah, so do we!!! Good to know for next time.

The moment I heard that conversation, I knew it HAD to be a Stuff Christians Like post. So many points to be made here.

 1. Worship Bands need to start putting the Sloppy Wet Kiss Clause (SWK) into their riders.

SECTION 4C, NON-NEGOTIABLE ISSUES

"We've got four non-negotiables: 1) We need in-ear monitors (no wedges), 2) we need three pounds of unsalted cashews in a wicker basket, 3) we need a high-ceiling closet to drape our scarf collection, and 4) we will ONLY do the 'sloppy wet kiss' version of How He Loves."

 2. Why an "unforeseen kiss"? Doesn't it feel like the person who rewrote that line just made a list of 3-syllable phrases/words to pair up with "kiss," and in the end "unforeseen" was the best they could do?

I'm guessing the list looked something like this:

#1 – So heaven meets earth like a Hollywood kiss (sounds great but Christians are never gonna go for it).

#2 – So heaven meets earth like a butterfly kiss (perfect, but Bob Carlisle refuses to sell us the rights).

#3 – So heaven meets earth like a pantomime kiss (only if we want to creep out the entire congregation).

#4 – So heaven meets earth like a tongue-on-tongue kiss (somehow we've found something grosser than "sloppy, wet").

#5 – So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss (it makes no sense, but it's the best we've got. Let's do it.).

 3. Never thought I'd see the day when a youth leader would say "our kids like the sloppy, wet kiss way better" with a big smile on his face.

I mean, having been a kid years ago, I always knew junior high kids preferred sloppy, wet kisses…I just didn't think Youth Pastors would ever find a context in which they'd be cool with it, too.

 4. Why limit it to kissing? If we're going to rewrite the song and use romantic language, let's really open up the palette. Some suggestions…

So heaven meets earth like…

…some tender light petting.

…a gentle ear nibble.

…some married foreplay.

…a playful butt grab.

…the Song of Solomon.

Let's stop there before I get myself in trouble.

 5. I'm calling it now: a Worship Leader will get fired in the next 12 months for refusing to sing the "unforeseen" version. I can already see the story…

Disagreements between worship leaders and pastors are nothing new, but Twitter was abuzz today when a rogue song leader was fired for singing his favorite version of the song, "How He Loves," against his Senior Pastor's wishes. Mitch Veeneck, a worship pastor at Firepond Church in Central Iowa, sang the "Sloppy, Wet Kiss" version of the song at both the 9am AND 11am services yesterday after being warned he would be removed from his position for continuing to do so.

While initial public support was strongly behind Veeneck, a new development in the story has swung the pendulum the other way. In an article posted on the church's blog late last night, slow motion stills show the crooner flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth like a snake while singing the controversial line. More details as they emerge…

So what's your take on the "sloppy, wet kiss" line in"How He Loves"? Do you like the original, prefer the toned-down version, or don't really care either way?

And by all means, if you have your own (non-vulgar) suggestions on how to rewrite that "heaven meets earth" line, pucker up and fire away.

(For more great stuff from Bryan, check out his blog or Twitter feed. If you're a blogger, don't miss his new site blogrocket.com)

#6 in 2011: Proverbs 31 Wife – 3008 Edition.

(My friend Tony Morgan always posts his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. So, for the next 6 days, that's what we're doing on Stuff Christians Like. Chances are there's at least a few you never saw the first time and around and one of the top 6 is a guest post! Here we go with #6.)

There are only three types of Bible verses read at Christian weddings.

1. Proverbs 31 – Which paints the biblical picture of a wife.

2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Which paints the biblical picture of love.

3. Obscure 2:1-5– Which paints the biblical picture that your friends are "not going to go with the typical verses and instead picked a passage that no one in the history of mankind has ever read in a wedding."

I'm a fan of all three, but recently realized that there are a lot of things I love about my wife that are not mentioned in Proverbs 31. I thought it might be fun to remix Proverbs 31, or "Message it" if you will.

Here are 5 ways I would remix the "Wife of Noble Character" description:

1. She does not dress a dog in "ensembles."

I'm not sure if this is Biblical, but when Proverbs 31:24 says, "She makes linen garments and sells them," they should add "but does not weave matching ensembles that both she and her purse dog wear." Every time I see a dog wearing a sweater/sock/visor combo, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.

2. She will tell you when your blog is whack.

A Proverbs 31, 3000 and 8 woman will not only read your blog, she'll tell you when something you wrote is horrible. I'd tweak Proverbs 31:11 to say, "Her husband has full confidence in her, because he knows she loves him enough to dive in front of the WordPress 'publish' button and prevent him from sharing nonsense with the Internet."

3. She will never let a brand fool you financially.

Proverbs 31:27 says, "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." At our house we'd add, "and does not eat chips from Walmart after realizing Santitas redesigned the bag, reducing the portion size from 13 ounces to 12 ounces without reducing the price." Who sees that stuff? My wife has skills! Manufacturers call that "value engineering." In order to make more money, they just decrease the portion when no one is watching. Ohh, Jenny Acuff is watching Santitas. You too Costco, no longer giving cups for water and Macaroni Grill, removing the ice cream from the kid's meal and now charging separately for it. Jenny Acuff sees all.

4. She will wear heels even if it makes her taller than you.

And it does, in heels, my wife is taller than me. But I once heard a counselor say, "The one thing a husband wants to know is that he is enough. That his masculinity, the way he provides for the family, the security he gives is enough. The one thing a wife wants to know is that she is not 'too much.' That she can be as beautiful and as powerful and as unique as God has called her without overpowering the relationship. That her husband is enough to handle her becoming everything she can become." Well, Jenny can become taller than me when she's in heels, but I love that she'll wear them anyway.

5. She won't let you be a jerk on Twitter.

Proverbs 31:23 says "Her husband is respected at the city gate …" I don't know if I'm respected at the city gate of Twitter, but if I am, it's only because my wife won't let me be a jerk with my tweets. She certainly doesn't see all of them, but she regularly saves me from saying something mean, stupid or both. I'm not saying you should talk about your shared Twitter commitment in premarital counseling, but I love the one we have.

What would you add to your own list of Proverb 31 traits?

If you're married what is something you as a wife do? As a husband, what do you appreciate about your wife?

If you're single, what do you hope is true of your marriage in the future?

Let's remix the Proverbs 31 woman.

Merry Christmas!

Rejoice! For today our savior was born!

From our family to yours, have a wonderful Christmas day.

Jon, Jenny, L.E. & McRae.

SCLQ – Christmas Eve

It's the day before Christmas! Can you believe that? This year felt like it was about 45 minutes long.

Last night, we went to our church's Christmas Eve Eve service. Or as I call it "Christmas Eve Squared."

What are your plans today?

Road trip?

Staying home?

What are you doing this Christmas Eve?

CCMdar.

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Stephen & Shae Pepper. They write a blog for youth, YouthWorkinIt. You can follow them on Twitter @YouthWorkinIt. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

CCMdar – by Stephen & Shae Pepper

It's the day before the day before Christmas. Chances are you're about to go on a road trip to see some family.

Over the last couple of years, my wife and I have done two road trips from Virginia to California and back again. Not only is this a lot of miles, it's also a lot of music. When you're driving this far you have to change radio stations quite often, as the one you're listening to goes out of range.

Through all this station-changing, we've developed a pretty good CCMdar. What's a CCMdar? It's a radar located where your ear connects to the brain, that helps you tell if it's a Christian radio station while scanning through stations. In fact, we've honed our CCMdar so well that it only takes 2.71 seconds for us to identify if it's a Christian radio station.

Want to know how to refine your own CCMdar skills? Here are some features that give away Christian radio stations:

1. They'll use words like "positive", "family-friendly" and "encouraging."

Maybe they're "positive and encouraging". Or maybe "family-friendly and positive". Perhaps they even "encourage family-friendly positivity" (I better trademark that last phrase before someone writes a book with that title).

You'll hear these words many times. You may find this repetition tiresome, but I've got a theory why they do this. Every time the host mentions those words, an angel gets its wings.

2. You'll hear testimonies.

On CCM radio, you'll often hear callers sharing about how they were struggling, but then they heard a song that lifted them out of the miry clay.

This is unique to CCM stations. It's a shame, as I'd love to hear someone call Kiss 100 and say 'You know what – I was having a really terrible day. Starbucks were out of Espresso, someone had unfollowed me on Twitter, and Facebook did yet another change to their website. But then you played Party Rock, and I thought to myself, "You know what – knowing that everyday someone was shuff-shuffling was just what I needed to hear."'

3. The music has a "quality" about it.

The biggest giveaway though of a CCM radio station is the music they play. It's hard to explain exactly, but there's just this way you can tell if it's a CCM song playing. To try to be a bit less vague, play CCM bingo. Listen to any CCM station for an hour and see if you can hear all of these:

Songs sung so earnestly, each syllable takes 3 seconds to sing

Eagles are mentioned (they're either soaring or we're on their wings – not welcoming us to the

Hotel California)

We're lifting up God

God's lifting us up

We will praise/follow/other suitably spiritual verb you (ironically, that verb never turns out to

be "rock")

High, wide, deep

We'll be your hands and feet (even though we prefer to be the mouth)

You died (not a common song lyric on other stations, unless they're singing about Tupac or

Biggie)

Father (not many people sing songs to their parents, and when they do it's more like "Cats In

The Cradle.")

Question:

What other things could be added to the bingo list?

(For more great stuff from Stephen & Shae Pepper, check out their blog, YouthWorkinIt)

The guy who ad libs during the announcements.

"If you don't make eye contact with any of the cars or motorbikes, they can't hit you."

That's what I told my wife as I took my first step into the traffic in Hanoi, Vietnam.

There are no lines on the roads. No signals. No rhyme or reason to what's going on. Vietnamese traffic flows like water. Big buses, tiny motorbikes, pedestrians carrying loads of lumber that look better suited to the World's Strongest Man competition? They all just go.

And so I did. Right into the middle of the street, the cars and motorbikes peeling around me as if I were parting the Red Sea. Was it terrifying? Not at all. But there were frightening moments in Vietnam. Two actually.

I'm referring to the two impromptu speeches I had to give to audiences at the kindergartens Stuff Christians Like built. I hadn't planned on that. In the midst of a really overwhelming and emotional moment, our host Steve said, "Stand up here with me and share with the people."

I've never spoken via translator before and my first thought was, "Do I have any material about Vietnamese mountains? Motorbike jokes? Hmong tribal references that might make the crowd laugh?"

This is going to surprise you, but I did not. So in that moment of panic, I stood up, and instantly morphed into the guy who ad libs during announcements.

Does your church have that guy?

He's the one that turns a 30 second group of announcements into a 7 minute soliloquy. The best way to spot him is to watch the pastor's face, because it will usually be curling into some sort of "Jesus clears the temple, whip making" frown.

It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to be that guy. And, in fact, I'll give you a few tips if you ever get asked to read the announcements:

1. Be Eminem.

Your goal should be to speed through the announcements. Finish strong and then drop the mic like Eminem at the end of the movie 8 mile. Boom! Don't even make eye contact with the crowd. Immediately return to your seat.

2. Don't use the phrase, "Which reminds me."

That's the telltale sign that you are about to go off script. Do you know what people really mean when they say, "Which reminds me?" They mean, "Now let's talk about me." Seriously, when you tell a friend about something that happened to you at work and they say, "Which reminds me, I've been doing a ton on the leg lift lately at the gym. I really feel like my quads are making some gains," they just want to talk about themselves. Don't say this phrase during announcements.

3. Don't make jokes unless you're hilarious.

I don't know what the Vietnamese word for "bomb" is, but I definitely did at both those schools. I tried to make jokes about being a dad and how hard it is for little kids to sit still. Mistake. Unless you know that your material is rock solid and guaranteed to add a little levity to the announcements, bail out maverick. Do not use that joke. And if your joke starts with, "A Baptist, a Methodist and a Catholic walk into a bowling alley," it's not rock solid.

4. Let the pastor preach.

Here's an easy rule to remember, "One sermon per service." You're tasked with reading the announcements. Your pastor is tasked with the sermon. If your church does announcements after the sermon, avoid the temptation to put a "p.s." on the end of the sermon. If you catch yourself saying, "It's like Pastor Smith just preached …" stop. Or if you find yourself saying, "Please turn in your Bibles to…" and one of the announcements isn't a Bible verse, stop.

Hopefully this will help prevent you from being the guy who ad libs during the announcements. I didn't want to address this issue, but I felt like I had to, given that the Bible doesn't. Did they even do announcements back in the day? You never saw Peter saying, "Hey everyone, I'm so glad you're here for the sermon on the mount, but we've got a little bit of housekeeping to take care of this morning." I don't think so.

Question:

Have you ever experienced an announcements ad libber?