Jon Acuff's Blog, page 116

#5 in 2011: Kissing Metaphors in Worship Music

(Over the years, Bryan Allain has written some fantastic guest posts on SCL. He's one of my friends who I hope gets to publish a book someday because he's a funny, smart honest writer. He's also just started BlogRocket.com to help other bloggers blow their blogs up. Today he shares, a brilliant post about a song most of us know and love. Enjoy.)

Kissing Metaphors in Worship Music

If you're not familiar with John Mark McMillan's song "How He Loves," first off tell me what it's like to live in a cave. Do you pee in one corner of the cave, or do you go outside to do your business and risk being mauled by a jaguar with your pants down?

Either way, "How He Loves" is a popular song in churches right now, and one of the more memorable lines in the song goes something like this:

"So heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss."

Now, you're gonna be shocked to hear this (I hope you're sitting down in the urine-free corner of your cave), but some artists and congregations aren't comfortable throwing in imagery more commonly associated with a 7th grade make-out party into their worship songs.

As a result, another version of the song has been recorded that describes the heaven-earth collision as a slightly different lip lock:

So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

I bring all this up because, a few months ago, I was speaking at a youth retreat and I overheard the following conversation between one of the youth leaders and the guest worship band:

Youth Leader: You guys did a great job tonight, but I wanted to let you know if you do "How He Loves" again, our kids are cool with the "sloppy wet kiss version."

Worship Leader: Oh, are they? Okay, cool. I forgot to ask you about that, so we just did "unforeseen kiss."

YL: No, our kids like the "sloppy wet kiss" way better.

WL: Yeah, so do we!!! Good to know for next time.

The moment I heard that conversation, I knew it HAD to be a Stuff Christians Like post. So many points to be made here.

 1. Worship Bands need to start putting the Sloppy Wet Kiss Clause (SWK) into their riders.

SECTION 4C, NON-NEGOTIABLE ISSUES

"We've got four non-negotiables: 1) We need in-ear monitors (no wedges), 2) we need three pounds of unsalted cashews in a wicker basket, 3) we need a high-ceiling closet to drape our scarf collection, and 4) we will ONLY do the 'sloppy wet kiss' version of How He Loves."

 2. Why an "unforeseen kiss"? Doesn't it feel like the person who rewrote that line just made a list of 3-syllable phrases/words to pair up with "kiss," and in the end "unforeseen" was the best they could do?

I'm guessing the list looked something like this:

#1 – So heaven meets earth like a Hollywood kiss (sounds great but Christians are never gonna go for it).

#2 – So heaven meets earth like a butterfly kiss (perfect, but Bob Carlisle refuses to sell us the rights).

#3 – So heaven meets earth like a pantomime kiss (only if we want to creep out the entire congregation).

#4 – So heaven meets earth like a tongue-on-tongue kiss (somehow we've found something grosser than "sloppy, wet").

#5 – So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss (it makes no sense, but it's the best we've got. Let's do it.).

 3. Never thought I'd see the day when a youth leader would say "our kids like the sloppy, wet kiss way better" with a big smile on his face.

I mean, having been a kid years ago, I always knew junior high kids preferred sloppy, wet kisses…I just didn't think Youth Pastors would ever find a context in which they'd be cool with it, too.

 4. Why limit it to kissing? If we're going to rewrite the song and use romantic language, let's really open up the palette. Some suggestions…

So heaven meets earth like…

…some tender light petting.

…a gentle ear nibble.

…some married foreplay.

…a playful butt grab.

…the Song of Solomon.

Let's stop there before I get myself in trouble.

 5. I'm calling it now: a Worship Leader will get fired in the next 12 months for refusing to sing the "unforeseen" version. I can already see the story…

Disagreements between worship leaders and pastors are nothing new, but Twitter was abuzz today when a rogue song leader was fired for singing his favorite version of the song, "How He Loves," against his Senior Pastor's wishes. Mitch Veeneck, a worship pastor at Firepond Church in Central Iowa, sang the "Sloppy, Wet Kiss" version of the song at both the 9am AND 11am services yesterday after being warned he would be removed from his position for continuing to do so.

While initial public support was strongly behind Veeneck, a new development in the story has swung the pendulum the other way. In an article posted on the church's blog late last night, slow motion stills show the crooner flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth like a snake while singing the controversial line. More details as they emerge…

So what's your take on the "sloppy, wet kiss" line in"How He Loves"? Do you like the original, prefer the toned-down version, or don't really care either way?

And by all means, if you have your own (non-vulgar) suggestions on how to rewrite that "heaven meets earth" line, pucker up and fire away.

(For more great stuff from Bryan, check out his blog or Twitter feed. If you're a blogger, don't miss his new site blogrocket.com)

#6 in 2011: Proverbs 31 Wife – 3008 Edition.

(My friend Tony Morgan always posts his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. So, for the next 6 days, that's what we're doing on Stuff Christians Like. Chances are there's at least a few you never saw the first time and around and one of the top 6 is a guest post! Here we go with #6.)

There are only three types of Bible verses read at Christian weddings.

1. Proverbs 31 – Which paints the biblical picture of a wife.

2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Which paints the biblical picture of love.

3. Obscure 2:1-5– Which paints the biblical picture that your friends are "not going to go with the typical verses and instead picked a passage that no one in the history of mankind has ever read in a wedding."

I'm a fan of all three, but recently realized that there are a lot of things I love about my wife that are not mentioned in Proverbs 31. I thought it might be fun to remix Proverbs 31, or "Message it" if you will.

Here are 5 ways I would remix the "Wife of Noble Character" description:

1. She does not dress a dog in "ensembles."

I'm not sure if this is Biblical, but when Proverbs 31:24 says, "She makes linen garments and sells them," they should add "but does not weave matching ensembles that both she and her purse dog wear." Every time I see a dog wearing a sweater/sock/visor combo, I hug my wife and tell her I love her.

2. She will tell you when your blog is whack.

A Proverbs 31, 3000 and 8 woman will not only read your blog, she'll tell you when something you wrote is horrible. I'd tweak Proverbs 31:11 to say, "Her husband has full confidence in her, because he knows she loves him enough to dive in front of the WordPress 'publish' button and prevent him from sharing nonsense with the Internet."

3. She will never let a brand fool you financially.

Proverbs 31:27 says, "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." At our house we'd add, "and does not eat chips from Walmart after realizing Santitas redesigned the bag, reducing the portion size from 13 ounces to 12 ounces without reducing the price." Who sees that stuff? My wife has skills! Manufacturers call that "value engineering." In order to make more money, they just decrease the portion when no one is watching. Ohh, Jenny Acuff is watching Santitas. You too Costco, no longer giving cups for water and Macaroni Grill, removing the ice cream from the kid's meal and now charging separately for it. Jenny Acuff sees all.

4. She will wear heels even if it makes her taller than you.

And it does, in heels, my wife is taller than me. But I once heard a counselor say, "The one thing a husband wants to know is that he is enough. That his masculinity, the way he provides for the family, the security he gives is enough. The one thing a wife wants to know is that she is not 'too much.' That she can be as beautiful and as powerful and as unique as God has called her without overpowering the relationship. That her husband is enough to handle her becoming everything she can become." Well, Jenny can become taller than me when she's in heels, but I love that she'll wear them anyway.

5. She won't let you be a jerk on Twitter.

Proverbs 31:23 says "Her husband is respected at the city gate …" I don't know if I'm respected at the city gate of Twitter, but if I am, it's only because my wife won't let me be a jerk with my tweets. She certainly doesn't see all of them, but she regularly saves me from saying something mean, stupid or both. I'm not saying you should talk about your shared Twitter commitment in premarital counseling, but I love the one we have.

What would you add to your own list of Proverb 31 traits?

If you're married what is something you as a wife do? As a husband, what do you appreciate about your wife?

If you're single, what do you hope is true of your marriage in the future?

Let's remix the Proverbs 31 woman.

Merry Christmas!

Rejoice! For today our savior was born!

From our family to yours, have a wonderful Christmas day.

Jon, Jenny, L.E. & McRae.

SCLQ – Christmas Eve

It's the day before Christmas! Can you believe that? This year felt like it was about 45 minutes long.

Last night, we went to our church's Christmas Eve Eve service. Or as I call it "Christmas Eve Squared."

What are your plans today?

Road trip?

Staying home?

What are you doing this Christmas Eve?

CCMdar.

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Stephen & Shae Pepper. They write a blog for youth, YouthWorkinIt. You can follow them on Twitter @YouthWorkinIt. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

CCMdar – by Stephen & Shae Pepper

It's the day before the day before Christmas. Chances are you're about to go on a road trip to see some family.

Over the last couple of years, my wife and I have done two road trips from Virginia to California and back again. Not only is this a lot of miles, it's also a lot of music. When you're driving this far you have to change radio stations quite often, as the one you're listening to goes out of range.

Through all this station-changing, we've developed a pretty good CCMdar. What's a CCMdar? It's a radar located where your ear connects to the brain, that helps you tell if it's a Christian radio station while scanning through stations. In fact, we've honed our CCMdar so well that it only takes 2.71 seconds for us to identify if it's a Christian radio station.

Want to know how to refine your own CCMdar skills? Here are some features that give away Christian radio stations:

1. They'll use words like "positive", "family-friendly" and "encouraging."

Maybe they're "positive and encouraging". Or maybe "family-friendly and positive". Perhaps they even "encourage family-friendly positivity" (I better trademark that last phrase before someone writes a book with that title).

You'll hear these words many times. You may find this repetition tiresome, but I've got a theory why they do this. Every time the host mentions those words, an angel gets its wings.

2. You'll hear testimonies.

On CCM radio, you'll often hear callers sharing about how they were struggling, but then they heard a song that lifted them out of the miry clay.

This is unique to CCM stations. It's a shame, as I'd love to hear someone call Kiss 100 and say 'You know what – I was having a really terrible day. Starbucks were out of Espresso, someone had unfollowed me on Twitter, and Facebook did yet another change to their website. But then you played Party Rock, and I thought to myself, "You know what – knowing that everyday someone was shuff-shuffling was just what I needed to hear."'

3. The music has a "quality" about it.

The biggest giveaway though of a CCM radio station is the music they play. It's hard to explain exactly, but there's just this way you can tell if it's a CCM song playing. To try to be a bit less vague, play CCM bingo. Listen to any CCM station for an hour and see if you can hear all of these:

Songs sung so earnestly, each syllable takes 3 seconds to sing

Eagles are mentioned (they're either soaring or we're on their wings – not welcoming us to the

Hotel California)

We're lifting up God

God's lifting us up

We will praise/follow/other suitably spiritual verb you (ironically, that verb never turns out to

be "rock")

High, wide, deep

We'll be your hands and feet (even though we prefer to be the mouth)

You died (not a common song lyric on other stations, unless they're singing about Tupac or

Biggie)

Father (not many people sing songs to their parents, and when they do it's more like "Cats In

The Cradle.")

Question:

What other things could be added to the bingo list?

(For more great stuff from Stephen & Shae Pepper, check out their blog, YouthWorkinIt)

The guy who ad libs during the announcements.

"If you don't make eye contact with any of the cars or motorbikes, they can't hit you."

That's what I told my wife as I took my first step into the traffic in Hanoi, Vietnam.

There are no lines on the roads. No signals. No rhyme or reason to what's going on. Vietnamese traffic flows like water. Big buses, tiny motorbikes, pedestrians carrying loads of lumber that look better suited to the World's Strongest Man competition? They all just go.

And so I did. Right into the middle of the street, the cars and motorbikes peeling around me as if I were parting the Red Sea. Was it terrifying? Not at all. But there were frightening moments in Vietnam. Two actually.

I'm referring to the two impromptu speeches I had to give to audiences at the kindergartens Stuff Christians Like built. I hadn't planned on that. In the midst of a really overwhelming and emotional moment, our host Steve said, "Stand up here with me and share with the people."

I've never spoken via translator before and my first thought was, "Do I have any material about Vietnamese mountains? Motorbike jokes? Hmong tribal references that might make the crowd laugh?"

This is going to surprise you, but I did not. So in that moment of panic, I stood up, and instantly morphed into the guy who ad libs during announcements.

Does your church have that guy?

He's the one that turns a 30 second group of announcements into a 7 minute soliloquy. The best way to spot him is to watch the pastor's face, because it will usually be curling into some sort of "Jesus clears the temple, whip making" frown.

It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to be that guy. And, in fact, I'll give you a few tips if you ever get asked to read the announcements:

1. Be Eminem.

Your goal should be to speed through the announcements. Finish strong and then drop the mic like Eminem at the end of the movie 8 mile. Boom! Don't even make eye contact with the crowd. Immediately return to your seat.

2. Don't use the phrase, "Which reminds me."

That's the telltale sign that you are about to go off script. Do you know what people really mean when they say, "Which reminds me?" They mean, "Now let's talk about me." Seriously, when you tell a friend about something that happened to you at work and they say, "Which reminds me, I've been doing a ton on the leg lift lately at the gym. I really feel like my quads are making some gains," they just want to talk about themselves. Don't say this phrase during announcements.

3. Don't make jokes unless you're hilarious.

I don't know what the Vietnamese word for "bomb" is, but I definitely did at both those schools. I tried to make jokes about being a dad and how hard it is for little kids to sit still. Mistake. Unless you know that your material is rock solid and guaranteed to add a little levity to the announcements, bail out maverick. Do not use that joke. And if your joke starts with, "A Baptist, a Methodist and a Catholic walk into a bowling alley," it's not rock solid.

4. Let the pastor preach.

Here's an easy rule to remember, "One sermon per service." You're tasked with reading the announcements. Your pastor is tasked with the sermon. If your church does announcements after the sermon, avoid the temptation to put a "p.s." on the end of the sermon. If you catch yourself saying, "It's like Pastor Smith just preached …" stop. Or if you find yourself saying, "Please turn in your Bibles to…" and one of the announcements isn't a Bible verse, stop.

Hopefully this will help prevent you from being the guy who ad libs during the announcements. I didn't want to address this issue, but I felt like I had to, given that the Bible doesn't. Did they even do announcements back in the day? You never saw Peter saying, "Hey everyone, I'm so glad you're here for the sermon on the mount, but we've got a little bit of housekeeping to take care of this morning." I don't think so.

Question:

Have you ever experienced an announcements ad libber?

Wondering if you can be a part of something bigger than yourself.

We're all curious about that on some level, especially at this time of year. As we reflect back on the year with joy or sadness or a mix of both, we reassess the last twelve months and wonder what the next twelve will hold. Can we be part of something bigger than ourselves?

What does that really look like?

A little over two years ago, I asked you that when I told you a story called "what if?" I asked you if we could be bigger than a blog. I asked you if we could try something more than a little crazy. I asked you if we could try it together.

Your answer was a resounding yes.

Here, from start to finish, is a Serious Wednesday story about the crazy adventures our big God can take us on.

 

Hello Best Picture of Joy I Saw in 2011

A couple of months ago, the SCL community got together with Hello Somebody and sponsored 6 young men to go through a one-year leadership program in Rwanda. Last week, my friend Carlos Whitaker actually got to go to Rwanda with the Hello Somebody team.

During the trip, Carlos took the photo below. (I took it straight from his Instagram feed, which you should follow cause it's awesome.) The photo is of a Rwandan student named Jonathan being baptized. If they ever let me write a dictionary, which they won't, this is the photo I would use by the word "joy."

Thank you for supporting Hello Somebody and rocking amazingly fun old school meets news school watches with me. There are real people on the other side of that watch.

(Click here if you want to learn more about what Hello Somebody does, or order a watch for your own awesome wrist.)

SCLQ – Christmas Music

Recently, I accomplished something pretty awesome. I don't know if I'll bring it to the brag table or not, but it's still quite a feat. What did I do?

I've made it through the first 20 days of Christmas and have only heard the "Christmas Shoes" song one time.

I know, I know, kind of a "dear diary" moment. Almost wish we hadn't sent our Christmas card out yet. I would have added that feat to it.

But enough about me and my Christmas miracles, let's talk about your favorite holiday music.

If you were going to build a soundtrack for Christmas, what favorite songs would you put on it?

5 things to get 5 people you love for Christmas.

Though Christmas is less than a week away, it's not too late to enjoy a very Merry Acuffy Christmas. (My last name is impossible to turn into an adjective. I stand by "Acuffy" as the best available option.)

Here are 5 things you can get 5 people you love.

1. Stuff Christians Like Daily Calendar

Who should you buy this for? Anyone who likes to laugh for an entire year and might not otherwise know what day of the week it is without an extremely hilarious reminder. (Here's the trailer, lest you forget the mirth.) Available at DaveRamsey.com.

2. Stuff Christians Like Book

Who should you buy this for? Anyone who wants the original, illustrated romp through faith, pop culture and where the two collide with comical results. Available at DaveRamsey.com and Amazon.

3. Gazelles, Baby Steps & 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me About Debt

Who should you buy this for? Anyone who is working on their budget, trying to break the student loan strangle hold of the delightfully named but ultimately terrifying Sallie Mae or knows what a debt snowball is. Available at DaveRamsey.com and Amazon.

4. Quitter

Who should you buy this for? Anyone who is not currently working at a job they love. That might be you. It might be a friend. It might be a son or daughter who moved back home after college and is playing Call of Duty in your basement relentlessly. Available at DaveRamsey.com and Amazon.

5. Ticket for the Quitter Conference

Who should you buy this for? A bunch of people have emailed me and said, "My wife gave me this for Christmas" or "My husband gave me this for Christmas," so I'd say a spouse, close friend or family member. If you know someone who you love that's capable of some amazing things but needs a helpful push in that direction, this Friday night and all day Saturday conference is a great gift. February 10-11, in Nashville. Available at JonAcuff.com/events.

That's end, end of infomercial or awesomemercial depending on how you look at it. If on Christmas morning your friends and family members open what you got them and say, "Is there a gift receipt?" don't blame me, I gave you 5 Awesome Acuffy gift ideas.