Jon Acuff's Blog, page 120

Siri is the new church Secretary.

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today's post is from Elizabeth Hyndman, an Administrative Assistant and grad student living in Nashville, TN.  She blogs at edyndman.com and tweets @edhyndman. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Siri is the new church secretary. By Elizabeth Hyndman

I'm sure you've heard all about Siri, the new virtual assistant that comes with the iPhone 4s. She answers questions, researches things, schedules stuff, and even calls and texts people for you. Amazing, right?

It is amazing, but even more amazing is that I'm pretty sure Apple stole this idea from Christians. Christians have had this kind of know-it-all assistant for a while now. We call them church secretaries or "the most powerful person in church."

Think about it. The church secretary not only has access to every church member's address and phone number, she probably has quite a few of them memorized. The church secretary can also find the address and phone number for the pastor-that-was-there-15-years-ago-we-called-him-Brother-Tom?.

The church secretary keeps up with the youth pastor's schedule. He also knows the church calendar for December. If you don't think that's impressive, you have probably never met a youth pastor or seen a church calendar during December (musicals, angel trees, shoeboxes, parties, candlelight services…that month is a mess).

Another thing church secretaries know how to do? Use Google. Just like Siri.

As a church secretary myself, I have often fielded calls and visits from people just looking for answers. They were seeking the truth. They weren't looking for Jesus, though. They were looking for the number of the Seventh Day Baptist Church that meets "somewhere around there" or wondering which doctors are covered under their health insurance plan. The questions were Googled, the answers were given, and the truth set those people free…to call that church and to see a doctor, respectively.

Maybe Siri could answer those questions. Maybe she could provide a map to the church and the doctor as well. But could she also add your name to the church prayer list, offer a "Bless your heart," and let you know if the music minister is available with his truck to move your piano on Thursday? A church secretary can.

Have you ever opted to call the church secretary, rather than use Siri or Google?

If you are a church secretary, what is the strangest request you've received?

 

(For more great stuff from Elizabeth, check out her blog!)

Buying tacky souvenirs on a mission trip.

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  I've asked writer/blogger/friend Jeff Goins to guest host Stuff Christians Like until we get back. For the next week we'll have guest posts from some incredibly funny people and then new SCL will return on Monday, November 28. If you want to guest post, here's how.)

Buying tacky souvenirs on a mission trip. By- Jeff Goins

On every mission trip, there's always "That Guy." You know him. He wears all the inappropriate apparel-wear you were strictly forbidden to bring. He sports all his favorite teams' jerseys and ball caps and high-fives everyone in sight.

That Guy makes inappropriate cultural references that would get you speared in the wrong company. He has a Spanish dictionary in his backpack and knows just enough of the native tongue to get you into trouble with local authorities.

Yeah, That Guy. With a capital "G." (He deserves a proper noun, since we all know him so well.)

Then, just when things get really bad, the worst part comes. The moment you've been dreading since the plane left American soil finally arrives.

It's the last day of the trip. Your team has done a solid week's worth of ministry, and what does That Guy want to do?

Buy souvenirs.

Which is fine and totally understandable. Except that he's been buying souvenirs and snacks and all kinds of superfluous trinkets the whole trip. And he's not even buying the good ones — you know, the ones you're pretty sure were made by actual natives?

Who knew you could find a Nintendo Gameboy knock-off in Ecuador? That Guy.

Who spends all his missionary money on pirated DVDs and Gatorade? Well, That Guy.

And who has a knack for finding the ugliest, tackiest, made-in-Malaysia flamingo wind chimes? Right. That Guy, again. The one who buys sombreros in Africa and drops his hard-earned cash on shot glasses at the airport.

And the worst part is that we can all be That Guy.

After all, how will people know you were building houses in Mexico if you don't return with a tie-dyed hammock?

What will St. Peter do with you if you're not wearing a beaded necklace from Tanzania (but made in Taiwan)? Nothing. He will have absolutely nothing to do with you. Do not pass through the pearly gates. Do not collect $200. The beads are essential (especially if one looks like a fish).

And let's not forget about your church — all those elderly ladies who forked up thousands of bucks from their retirement funds to send you to Kazakhstan.

Do you know how to make those old ladies cry? Come home without a single souvenir. Not a ceramic bowl nor walking stick. Just show up with your stories, and you will see first-hand what it means to grieve the Holy Spirit.

When you think about it, life ultimately comes down to crucial moments. And this is one of them — that final day of a mission trip — when you will have to ask yourself, "Will I be like the widow who gave her last mite to that which mattered most?"

I hope you will.

I hope you'll show those old ladies their investment wasn't for naught.

I hope you'll come back with evidence of a true kingdom impact, showing your friends, family, and the Almighty himself that you were a wise steward.

Of course, I'm talking about the only souvenir that matters — the only thing worth a trip to the Third World. That's right: a hand-painted, bobble-head turtle that sits on the dashboard of your car.

In light of eternity, everything else is just dross.

What's the worst souvenir you ever brought back from a mission trip?

 

(Jeff Goins lives in Nashville and works for Adventures in Missions. You can follow his blog and connect with him on Twitter.)

Tomorrow, we leave for Vietnam.

In less than 24 hours, my wife Jenny and I will be on a flight to Vietnam.

Well, actually a flight to Atlanta. And then Seoul, Korea. And then Hanoi.

If you told me three years ago that we'd be flying to the jungles of North Vietnam to visit two kindergartens that the readers of Stuff Christians Like built, I would have said you're crazy.

But yet, here we go. It seemed fitting today to share the metrosexual worship leader mascot that talented artist Wes Molebash created when we completed our $60,000 goal. (You guys raised $30,000 in 18 hours! I'm still so proud to tell people about what God did through your generosity!)

The group we're going with is Samaritan's Purse. We've worked with them for years and love what they do. If you want to check them out, this is the perfect time of year to do it because Operation Christmas Child is in full swing. It's incredibly easy to pack a shoebox for a child and change the world from right where you are.

In Vietnam I'm going to do my best to document the trip, so that all of us can go on it together. I'll tweet with the hashtag #SCLVietnam from my account on Twitter @jonacuff. Click here to follow me. And I'll try to add some stuff to my facebook page, which you can find right here.

I'll also send back posts and photos that can hopefully be uploaded in real time. If it doesn't work out, which is possible given AT&T's bad coverage in jungles, we'll tell you all about it when we get back. (Here's a link to the video we made about the trip if you missed it.)

In the meantime, I've asked writer/blogger/friend Jeff Goins to guest host Stuff Christians Like until we get back. For the next week, we'll have guest posts from some incredibly funny people, then new SCL will return on Monday, November 28.

If you ever find yourself willing to pray for bloggers who possess ridiculous breakdancing skills and are going to Vietnam with their wives, this is your lucky day.

We'd love prayer for safe travel, open hearts and that our kids would know that their mom and dad are crazy about them while we're gone.

Thanks for being part of a big, awesome adventure from our big, awesome God.

Side hugs and Jesus Jukes,

Jon & Jenny Acuff

SCLQ – 1,000 words or 9 ideas.

Sometimes when I go speak places, folks on SCL or Twitter will say, "Is there a video of that speech anywhere?" And usually there's not. Or there is, but I look sweaty and awkward in it and not at all like the lithe breakdancer I imagined I looked like while giving the speech, and who wants to post that online?

But, recently when I spoke at Catalyst in Atlanta, someone in the crowd made a visual representation of the speech. I thought it was a brilliant way to capture a bunch of ideas, because after all, a picture is worth a 1,000 words.

Here's what the notes looked like, and the ideas I shared. (If you drew this, let me know so I can give you credit, I didn't catch your name.)

SiteOrganic, Part Deux.

A few weeks ago, I recommended SiteOrganic as a great solution for church websites. As the son of a pastor who understands the need to stretch a church budget, it was easy to recommend SiteOrganic.

There was just one problem.

None of the links I put in the post worked.

Oh Alanis Morissette, you were so right. It is indeed ironic.

I posted about SiteOrganic, who are amazing at helping people create amazing websites. And in the post I wrote about them, I included a bunch of broken links, thus creating a less than amazing website.

So for all those churches that tried to click the links to SiteOrganic, my apologies. My recommendation still stands, they are awesome and are having two webinars on 11/14 and 11/29 that you don't want to miss. My ineptitude? That, too still stands.

One ring of grace.

A church I used to attend wanted to encourage you to turn your cell phone off during the service. But because they were smart, they didn't say that. Instead, they had a slide shown before church that said:

"Please remember to turn your cell phone back on after church."

See what they did there? Back when I was a 1920s pugilist, we called that the "ole rope a dope." They weren't really concerned that you turn it back on after church.

They were saying, "Turn your phone off before church." Or more specifically, "Please don't have your 'Cee-Lo Green 'Forget You' personalized ring tone burst to life during the middle of communion.'"

But even with what I thought was a brilliant approach to requesting people to turn off their phones, sometimes we forget. Or rather we forget to mute them, because we sometimes take notes or look up Bible verses on them. Then a phone rings during the middle of a service, and it's always in the deepest, most unreachable part of your purse or your pocket. It takes approximately 19 rings to locate, which I am fine with. It happens, but do you know what goes down next?

One Ring of Grace.

The One Ring Of Grace or OROG is what happens when a second phone rings in the sanctuary. We're all cool with that first guy's phone. We'll extend him compassion like crazy. We'll give him "One Ring of Grace." But the second guy, who heard the first guy's phone and didn't immediately check his own phone to make sure his "God bless the rains down in Africa" by Toto ring tone doesn't go off, he's getting no love.

And let's be honest, if you hear someone's phone go off in church, what's the first thing you do? Check your own phone. That's church law, son!

And, if 15 minutes later, someone else's phone goes off, what's the first thing you do?

Judge him.

In times like this, upon making deep observations and bumping into things like the One Ring Of Grace, I always check the Bible. What does God's word say about this particular issue? You might think it doesn't address church cell phone interruptions, but you'd be mistaken, my friend. It does.

In Acts 20:9, a guy falls asleep during a long sermon in church and falls out of a window and dies. Let me repeat that, he DIES. (He was later brought back to life, but for drama's sake, let's say he DIES.) And unless you're a Hebrew scholar like me, you might not know that, in ancient times, sleeping in church was considered to be the Aramaic equivalent of letting your cell phone ring, even after someone else's did. Look it up. I'm almost positive that's how The Message translates that passage. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.

So if you're even a little tempted right now to write a comment like, "This is why people don't like going to church! We're so judgmental! We're so unwelcoming. I hate you, Jon Acuff," slow your roll. The One Ring of Grace isn't about judging people; it's about saving lives. Are you saying you want people to fall out of windows? Is that what you want?

Not me.

So let's keep at it. First phone goes off? That's a freebie.

Second phone that rings? Probably going to have a worship eagle come confiscate that one with talons of justice. Seems about right.

Question:

Has your phone ever gone off during church?

SCLQ – Waiting for my real life to begin.

I've always loved this song. It reminds me of a million conversations I've had with God. Me, full of my own plans, frantically trying to build my life into a certain shape, trying to "get it right this time." God, saying be still.

Here's Colin Hay's "Waiting for my real life to begin."

SCLQ – Lying to your kids.

I want to be honest with you. If you ever come over for dinner, and we excitedly tell you that it's "breakfast supper night!" that's a little bit of a lie.

A more accurate term for that night would be "we don't have anything else in the house to eat" night. Or "Jon and Jenny are really tired and don't want to go to the grocery store" night. Or even "Time to trick the kids into thinking scrambled eggs are a complete meal" night.

The funny thing is that our kids buy into it. They're young enough to believe we planned it. That maybe all along we were expecting to have grits on Tuesday night.

They're none the wiser. Granted, they're only 5 and 8 right now so they might start asking questions when they're older. But, if they get wise to us, we've got a way to throw them off our tracks – waffles. As the Bible says, syrup covers a multitude of sins. Plus, we received approximately 19 waffle makers at our wedding.

Is "breakfast supper" a lie? Are we lying to our kids with our false excitement? I know the truth will set you free, but the truth will not set you free from cooking dinner some nights when you don't feel like it.

Can we get a ruling on that one?

Have you ever told a lie like that to your kids?

Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls That Have a Past

(It's guest post Friday! Here's a new one from SCL favorite John Crist.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

Quick note from me, Jon Acuff.

5 reasons I posted this guest post.

1. It fit the goal of the Stuff Christians Like site.

The goal is to clear away the clutter of Christianity so that we can see the beauty of Christ. Trying to date "girls with a past" is a cluttered idea that needs to be discussed and cleared away.

2. It fits the goal of satire.

The goal of satire is to exaggerate an issue until it's large enough for all of us to see it and discuss it. Satire takes an issue and makes it into a huge mirror so that we can all look at the reflection together and say, "Seriously, is that what we think good dating looks like? Are we OK with this way of thinking? If not, what are we going to do about it?"

3. It's true.

I hope this post is ridiculous to you and you think, "I've never heard of something so stupid, who thinks like that? That can't be real." But it is. I've heard countless guys say versions of this post.

4. It points out a problem in a certain gender … men.

The post is about the foolishness of men. Men who think this way, men who make dating decisions this way, men who are dumb. I better get some angry comments from men, because that's who this post is about.

5. It needed to be called out.

I didn't marry a wife with the stereotypical past described below. I'm trying my best as a dad to raise daughters who leave the house so full of love and value that when the world bumps them they will not empty and chase things that will hurt them. And so the chance to call out a line of thinking that is opposite of that was important to me.

Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls that Have a Past -by John Crist

There are a lot of girls at my church. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and feathered hair accessories (is the feather thing just in Colorado, or is it everywhere?). Anyway, I always find myself being attracted to the girls who have a past, a testimony if you will.

DISCLAIMER: We all came to Jesus in different ways. We ALL have a past. It's just that, as Christians, we've deemed some pasts as cooler than others.

Again, SCL doesn't make the Christian rules, we just bring them to light. Today is no different.

Guys, if you're like me, you're oddly attracted to the girls with a past.

Here's a scorecard to help you spot one at church. And ladies, while you're here, you might as well run a quick calculation on yourself. The more points you have, the more likely you are to have a past of some sort.

The Unofficial Identifying Girls in Church Who Have a Past Scorecard:

Arrives late to church: +1

Arrives early to church: -1

Loves to dress up for Halloween (no further explanation needed): +3

Dresses up as Esther or Ruth (but not Rahab!) for Harvest Festival: -8

Hates Colossians 3:18: +7

Loves Colossians 3:18: -7

Gets upset for having to wear one piece bathing suits at church pool parties: +3

Wears heels to prayer meetings: +1

Cries excessively during Charlie Hall songs: +4

Sniffles during "Christmas Shoes" song: -4

Wears hoop earrings: +2

Wears cross/lamb/fish/heart/angel/praying hands earrings: -2

Social Drinker: +1

Drinks liquor out of a Camelbak on church hikes: +5

Concerned about being photographed while consuming alcohol: -3

Overly flirtatious: +3

Introduces first dates to her parents: -3

Has way more guy friends than girl friends: +4

Gets subtly judged by other girls in the church: +7

Homeschooled: -15

Homeschooled because she got kicked out of school: +20

Wears white shorts: +3

Has a crush on Kirk Cameron: -10

Doesn't hang out with church people on the weekends: +2

Babysits the pastor's kids on weekends: -5

Rolls up her mission trip shirts to show her stomach: +3

Has a hand-made quilt of her past 10 mission trips shirts: -4

Has been seen carrying around Redeeming Love: +5

Has been seen carrying around Every Man's Battle, claims she's trying to understand men so she can be a better wife: -5

Retweets Kim Kardashian: +1

Retweets Twila Paris: -10

Favorite movie is Bridesmaids: +1

Is a bridesmaid (in every wedding at church): -2

Asks if there's gonna be an open bar at the wedding: +4

Her Facebook profile pic includes a dude who isn't her boyfriend or brother: +10

Her Facebook profile pic includes her holding a village child on a mission trip: -10

Ladies, I'm not gonna try to qualify or categorize any of the results. I'm too scared. I already feel like some of you may want to burn my house down. Again, these are my opinions. Correct me if I'm wrong.

(My name is John Crist. I am standup comedian. I'm live tweeting the facts that didn't make the cut all day at @johnbcrist. I got a bunch of standup comedy videos at www.youtube.com/johnbcrist )

(P.S. This article was co-written/inspired by @tkbender)

SCLQ – Metrosexual Worship Leaders, Start Your Engines!

That would be my caption for the photo below. But I'm in stage 3 of deep v-neck syndrome, would probably score high on the metrosexual worship leader scorecard, and would be lying if I said I didn't jump on this sale like Jack jumping on a way to get off the island.

Is that too painful, now that Lost is over and we've had a full fall without the smoke monster haunting our Thursday nights? Fair enough, but it's never too soon for a v-neck caption.

So let's have em'.

How would you caption this photo?