Jon Acuff's Blog, page 121

SCLQ – Lying to your kids.

I want to be honest with you. If you ever come over for dinner, and we excitedly tell you that it's "breakfast supper night!" that's a little bit of a lie.

A more accurate term for that night would be "we don't have anything else in the house to eat" night. Or "Jon and Jenny are really tired and don't want to go to the grocery store" night. Or even "Time to trick the kids into thinking scrambled eggs are a complete meal" night.

The funny thing is that our kids buy into it. They're young enough to believe we planned it. That maybe all along we were expecting to have grits on Tuesday night.

They're none the wiser. Granted, they're only 5 and 8 right now so they might start asking questions when they're older. But, if they get wise to us, we've got a way to throw them off our tracks – waffles. As the Bible says, syrup covers a multitude of sins. Plus, we received approximately 19 waffle makers at our wedding.

Is "breakfast supper" a lie? Are we lying to our kids with our false excitement? I know the truth will set you free, but the truth will not set you free from cooking dinner some nights when you don't feel like it.

Can we get a ruling on that one?

Have you ever told a lie like that to your kids?

Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls That Have a Past

(It's guest post Friday! Here's a new one from SCL favorite John Crist.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

Quick note from me, Jon Acuff.

5 reasons I posted this guest post.

1. It fit the goal of the Stuff Christians Like site.

The goal is to clear away the clutter of Christianity so that we can see the beauty of Christ. Trying to date "girls with a past" is a cluttered idea that needs to be discussed and cleared away.

2. It fits the goal of satire.

The goal of satire is to exaggerate an issue until it's large enough for all of us to see it and discuss it. Satire takes an issue and makes it into a huge mirror so that we can all look at the reflection together and say, "Seriously, is that what we think good dating looks like? Are we OK with this way of thinking? If not, what are we going to do about it?"

3. It's true.

I hope this post is ridiculous to you and you think, "I've never heard of something so stupid, who thinks like that? That can't be real." But it is. I've heard countless guys say versions of this post.

4. It points out a problem in a certain gender … men.

The post is about the foolishness of men. Men who think this way, men who make dating decisions this way, men who are dumb. I better get some angry comments from men, because that's who this post is about.

5. It needed to be called out.

I didn't marry a wife with the stereotypical past described below. I'm trying my best as a dad to raise daughters who leave the house so full of love and value that when the world bumps them they will not empty and chase things that will hurt them. And so the chance to call out a line of thinking that is opposite of that was important to me.

Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls that Have a Past -by John Crist

There are a lot of girls at my church. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and feathered hair accessories (is the feather thing just in Colorado, or is it everywhere?). Anyway, I always find myself being attracted to the girls who have a past, a testimony if you will.

DISCLAIMER: We all came to Jesus in different ways. We ALL have a past. It's just that, as Christians, we've deemed some pasts as cooler than others.

Again, SCL doesn't make the Christian rules, we just bring them to light. Today is no different.

Guys, if you're like me, you're oddly attracted to the girls with a past.

Here's a scorecard to help you spot one at church. And ladies, while you're here, you might as well run a quick calculation on yourself. The more points you have, the more likely you are to have a past of some sort.

The Unofficial Identifying Girls in Church Who Have a Past Scorecard:

Arrives late to church: +1

Arrives early to church: -1

Loves to dress up for Halloween (no further explanation needed): +3

Dresses up as Esther or Ruth (but not Rahab!) for Harvest Festival: -8

Hates Colossians 3:18: +7

Loves Colossians 3:18: -7

Gets upset for having to wear one piece bathing suits at church pool parties: +3

Wears heels to prayer meetings: +1

Cries excessively during Charlie Hall songs: +4

Sniffles during "Christmas Shoes" song: -4

Wears hoop earrings: +2

Wears cross/lamb/fish/heart/angel/praying hands earrings: -2

Social Drinker: +1

Drinks liquor out of a Camelbak on church hikes: +5

Concerned about being photographed while consuming alcohol: -3

Overly flirtatious: +3

Introduces first dates to her parents: -3

Has way more guy friends than girl friends: +4

Gets subtly judged by other girls in the church: +7

Homeschooled: -15

Homeschooled because she got kicked out of school: +20

Wears white shorts: +3

Has a crush on Kirk Cameron: -10

Doesn't hang out with church people on the weekends: +2

Babysits the pastor's kids on weekends: -5

Rolls up her mission trip shirts to show her stomach: +3

Has a hand-made quilt of her past 10 mission trips shirts: -4

Has been seen carrying around Redeeming Love: +5

Has been seen carrying around Every Man's Battle, claims she's trying to understand men so she can be a better wife: -5

Retweets Kim Kardashian: +1

Retweets Twila Paris: -10

Favorite movie is Bridesmaids: +1

Is a bridesmaid (in every wedding at church): -2

Asks if there's gonna be an open bar at the wedding: +4

Her Facebook profile pic includes a dude who isn't her boyfriend or brother: +10

Her Facebook profile pic includes her holding a village child on a mission trip: -10

Ladies, I'm not gonna try to qualify or categorize any of the results. I'm too scared. I already feel like some of you may want to burn my house down. Again, these are my opinions. Correct me if I'm wrong.

(My name is John Crist. I am standup comedian. I'm live tweeting the facts that didn't make the cut all day at @johnbcrist. I got a bunch of standup comedy videos at www.youtube.com/johnbcrist )

(P.S. This article was co-written/inspired by @tkbender)

SCLQ – Metrosexual Worship Leaders, Start Your Engines!

That would be my caption for the photo below. But I'm in stage 3 of deep v-neck syndrome, would probably score high on the metrosexual worship leader scorecard, and would be lying if I said I didn't jump on this sale like Jack jumping on a way to get off the island.

Is that too painful, now that Lost is over and we've had a full fall without the smoke monster haunting our Thursday nights? Fair enough, but it's never too soon for a v-neck caption.

So let's have em'.

How would you caption this photo?

Hearing your name for the first time.

The Bible is full of examples of God giving someone a new name, their true name. After a season of struggle or redemption, God bestows a new identity on someone. Saul becomes Paul. Abram becomes Abraham. Jacob becomes Israel.

My favorite example is a little less obvious though. The name change is not so direct, but it is powerful. And I uncovered it while working on what might someday be a book about the prodigal son.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells three parables. The first is about losing one of 100 sheep. The second is about a woman who loses one of 10 coins. And the third, the prodigal son story, is about a father who loses one of two sons.

I once heard pastor Rick McKinley say that you can feel the tension building in the chapter. From 100 sheep to 10 coins to 2 sons, it builds. And in the first two parables, Christ does something really interesting. In the parable of the sheep he starts the story by saying, "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them." In the parable of the coins, he says, "Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one."

The pattern has been established.

So does he start the third parable about the prodigal son the same way? He's got a rhythm going, shouldn't he? You'd think so, but he doesn't.

The story doesn't start with, "Suppose there was a man who had two sons." Instead Christ says, "There was a man who had two sons." He jumps into the parable with two feet, as if he is relating a true story of how grace works, not a "what if" example of sheep or coins.

He also explains the other two parables. At the end of the parable of the sheep he says, "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety‑nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." At the end of the parable of the coin he says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

He connects the dots for the audience of sinners and Pharisees, but doesn't do that with the prodigal son parable. He drops that off like a grenade, and doesn't explain it at all, content instead to create a tale with a thousand doorways to enter.

But that's all lead up. Where's the part about the prodigal son's name? Where's the identity tale? It's there. Trust me. There's a veritable hot potato of identity happening here.

In verse 11, Christ establishes who the sons belonged to right out of the gate. "There was a man who had two sons." They were not just two men. They were two sons. They had a father.

In verse 19, after coming to his senses and returning home, the son says, "I am no longer to be called your son." He's right. By his actions, he's renounced his identity. He realized he had forfeited his identity. He continues, "Make me like one of your hired men." The son tries to take on a new identity.

In verse 24, the father, representing God, turns to his servants and says, "For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

Mine.

Is there a more beautiful word to hear from a father you've wronged? A God you've forsaken?

Mine.

This son of mine.

Not this man. Not this filthy, tattered drifter who we've come upon along the road. Not this person who broke my heart or wasted his life chasing things that don't matter.

This son of mine. Identity shouts from these verses.

In verse 27, the identity discussion continues as the servants tell the angry older brother what has happened. They say, "Your brother has come." They understand who the son is because the father has established that firmly.

In verse 30, driving a stake into his own identity, the older brother tries to sever his ties with the family by saying to his father, "This son of yours." This is the equivalent of saying, "He is not my brother. He is your son, not my blood. Yours."

Is the father wounded by this? Does he allow the older brother to take on a new identity? That's what the brother is trying to do, separate himself from a family that throws parties for families. Look at how he starts his response to the second family member who has tried to renounce their identity in this short parable:

""My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"

The father refuses to let his son change his identity. By starting the sentence that way, he again says, "Mine." My son, you are mine. He then begins a full out assault of identity and love.

You are always with me.

Everything I have is yours.

We had to celebrate. Not I. We!

This brother of yours has returned.

Over and over again, God pulls both brothers into his arms. Over and over again, he says you are mine.

And that's my hope for you and me.

That, even in moments when our arms and are actions try to push God away, we will hear his voice say, "You are mine."

That, even in moments where it feels quiet or desperate or the world's name for us weighs heavy, we will hear the father's voice say, "You are mine."

You are mine.

You are mine.

You are mine.

Come to the next Quitter Conference!

Last July we held the first Quitter Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. Here's what a few attendees said:

I'll look back on the weekend of the Quitter Conference as the time when I finally worked out a concrete plan for some ideas that I've had in my head for years. Lee B. Marion, AR

Lots of conferences like to get you all emotionally excited about going out there to "live your dream" but don't do much to equip you. If you really drill in to what they provide in the Quitter workbook, and start executing on it, there's no stopping you. Nathan S. Pendleton, IN

The ideas and tools presented gave me a roadmap for how to turn the dream in my heart into a reality. Julie B. Louisville, KY

And that was only a one day experience! For the next Quitter Conference we doubled it to two days. It's going to be Friday and Saturday, February 10 & 11 in Nashville, TN!

Here are 5 reasons you should sign up today:

1. The first 10 tickets are FREE!

Here's how we priced the tickets:

First 10 people who sign up pay $0.00

Next 10 are $39.00 per ticket.

Next 10 are $59.00 per ticket

Next 10 are $79.00 per ticket

The rest of the tickets will be $99.00 each.

We doubled the conference days and didn't raise the price because we want people to be able to afford it!

2. You're ready to really chase your dream.

The conference isn't just the "Quitter book live." The majority of the content is actually brand new, with tips and tools to help you realize your dream. From mastering social media to knowing when it's time to jump, you'll walk away with a ton of ideas and actions.

3. You want to figure out what your dream really is.

You get a 44 page Quitter Workbook that helps you hone in on what you're actually designed to do. It's only available at the event and walks you through the 6 steps of chasing your dream.

4. You want to plug into a community of other dreamers who can encourage, inspire and challenge you.

At the last Quitter Conference we had more than 180 people from 30 different states. Doctors, lawyers, TV producers, stay at home moms, college students, the crowd was all ages and all stages of life. The only thing they had in common was HOPE & HUSTLE. And it was an amazing room to be a part of and interact with.

5. You've said someday "I'll do ________," for years.

Someday isn't coming. Don't float through 2012 without taking huge steps toward making your dream job a reality.

We're keeping the conference small so that we can have lots of interaction this year. Tickets are going to sell out. So don't miss your chance to come.

Sign up for the Quitter Conference today!

SCLQ – Calling things you like "manna."

Chips & Queso

Cadbury Crème Eggs

Salt & Vinegar Pringles

Banana Pudding

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

Big League Chew (Original)

What's that collection of unrelated items? I'm glad you asked. That's my "manna list." You don't have one? I'll pray for you. Every Christian should have a manna list. It's a list of all the foods you've ever called manna, the highest culinary compliment a Christian can give a food item.

Inspired of course by the heavenly treat God rained down on the Israelites, a manna list is nothing to joke about. I didn't casually create that, unlike some people who bandy about the word "manna" to describe any meal that's even remotely delicious.

That list is hand crafted. For instance, notice I didn't say "chips & salsa." I said "queso," the melted nectar originally enjoyed in the garden of Eden. (I refuse to believe Adam and Eve didn't have access to queso. I'm almost positive there was a warm river of it that ran through Eden right next to the Euphrates.)

My only problem is that, right now, my manna list only has six items on it. Clearly, as a Christian, I can only really abide by seven-itemed lists.

What's one thing you'd add to the "manna list?"

What's your manna list look like?

Jump start prayers.

Sometimes I like to think I'm pretty modern. Or maybe postmodern, which ever is the hip one right now.

I wear v-necks. I have an iPhone. I use Twitter like it's my JOB. Occasionally, I'll even listen to a band who plays old-timey music in a new-timey way, with rolled up jeans and banjos and sneaky accordions, which actually makes it cutting edge music.

But, sometimes, I'm shocked at how old-fashioned I really am at heart.

I was reminded of this recently when a pastor I saw "jump started" a prayer. Not familiar with the phrase? That's good, because I think I just invented it.

A "jump start prayer" or JSP is when someone just launches into a prayer in the middle of a thought without any sort of introduction or indication that they are about to pray. With absolutely zero warning, suddenly you're in the middle of prayerville.

Here's what it usually looks like when a pastor jump starts a prayer:

"I was talking to a neighbor recently about crab grass, because it was an issue both our yards had this summer. And I realized, loving your neighbor can start with small conversations like that. God, you are so gracious to us. You make all things new. You make us lie down in green pastures."

Did you catch it? It was subtle, one second we were talking about yard work, and the next second we were addressing the Almighty in prayer. Here's what I always think when it happens:

1. Is saying, "Let's pray" like saying, "I go to Sunday School?"

Nobody goes to Sunday School anymore. They go to life group or small group. Sunday School is so old-fashioned. Is saying, "Let's pray," the same way?

2. How do I know when to close my eyes?

If you say "Let's bow our heads in prayer," do you know what I do? I bow my head in prayer. If you say, "It's so exciting to see everyone here today, Lord you know our hearts, we lift our prayers to you Father God," guess what I do? Stare at you for at least half of the prayer until I realize we're praying, at which point I will close my eyes as fast as possible in sweaty prayer shame.

3. Did you learn this from worship leaders?

Be honest. Did they start this? I bet they did. They've been doing this kind of thing for years. I call it "talk singing." In the middle of saying hello to the crowd, they'll launch into a song with no transition. "My wife and I were having coffee this weekend. And we realized, everyone needs compassion, love that's never failing." I bet you pastors picked up this habit from worship leaders.

Ultimately, I think it's perfectly fine to lead a corporate prayer without any sort of introduction. Jump start all you want, but at least close your eyes. The pastor I saw a few weeks ago kept his eyes open, which threw me off the prayer trail even further. At that point, I wasn't sure if he was doing a little spoken word or performance art.

Whichever one is more modern or postmodern, that is.

Question:

When you're praying with other people, how do you start your prayers?

SCLQ – The quietest, loudest video you'll ever see.

A few days ago, I wrote a post about being still.

That is the call I keep hearing from God over and over again these days. Be still. Slow down. Stop focusing on things that don't matter. Stop running around so hard and so fast.

Be still.

And then I saw this video by Blaine Hogan. Blaine is a brilliant artist, actor and author. He recently wrote a new book called Untitled. Check it out if you want to have your idea of creativity thrown for a pretty perfect loop.

A few months ago, at the Global Leadership Summit, Blaine wrote a video about what it means for us to really "be here." I thought it was amazing.

Take a look at the video and then, if you're so inclined, answer this question in the comments:

Is it ever hard for you to "be here?"

The 5 Kinds of Church Nursery Volunteers

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Shelle Lenssen- a wife, mom, and full-time laboratory geek.  She writes a family blog, Lenssen Acres Almana, covering humor, parenting, faith, DIY, home improvement, gardening, hunting, etc.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!) 

The 5 Kinds of Church Nursery Volunteers. – By Shelle Lenssen

As a parent of a loud and energetic two-year old daughter, I am so grateful to have a clean, safe, well-staffed place to take her on Sunday mornings while my husband and I enjoy the church service. (Okay, so I dunno who I'm kidding; we'd appreciate a not-too-scary looking cell supervised by anyone other than the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz, as long as it meant an hour and a half of toddler-free time.) Since she's been attending church nursery faithfully her whole life, we've gotten to know our friendly nursery volunteers pretty well, and they seem to fall in these five groups:

1. Parent volunteers who are there solely out of a sense of obligation.

Hey, I'm not picking on you. This category is listed first because I firmly fall here too. Sigh, you know how it happens. You take your baby down to nursery for a few months, blissfully enjoying a sermon without having to run out to deal with spit-up or an emergency diaper blowout, then one Sunday the nursery greeter casually asks if you'd ever consider volunteering as a nursery worker. You sign your name, fill out the background-check form, and take the necessary training. You dutifully show up when scheduled, but we all know you wouldn't say you were "called to this mission field." The nursery greeter called us in this particular instance, not God.

2. Grandmothers.

I love my own grandmothers very much, and I really, really love grandmas who volunteer in the church nursery. They are happy to sit and rock a crying baby or patiently read Bible stories to an easily-distracted group of toddlers. The craziness and chaos of a room full of littles doesn't seem to faze these battle-hardened child veterans who, despite being bitten and vomited upon, lovingly refer to each child as "precious lamb" or "sweet angel."

3. The newlywed couple.

They're adorable. Freshly married and still glowing, they use their hour-and-a-half church nursery shift to determine if they're ready to have a baby. They figure if they can work together to take care of someone else's kids, taking care of their own should be no problem, right? Newlywed nursery volunteers beware: My daughter is always on her very best behavior for you. It's as if she knows the continuation of her species is dependent on her actions. She'll smile bigger, laugh easier, sing more adorably, and hug you tighter than anyone else. Because she knows, oh yes, she knows what you're contemplating and she'll do everything she can to convince you having your own 24:7 child will be just as delightful as watching mine for 90 minutes on Sunday morning.

4. Enthusiastic high school or college girl.

You know this girl. She's an education or early childhood development major (or will be), and she just has a way with kids. She doesn't mind being turned into a human jungle-gym and children randomly run up to hug her. She takes the Bible songs DVD home to learn all the words and practice the hand motions and enthusiastically sings and dances with the kids during her shift. She's happy to fill in for you when you need to miss your scheduled nursery time and will sometimes pop in just to see if more help is needed. She is universally loved and appreciated. She also makes a great babysitter, so get her contact info as soon as possible so you and your spouse can plan a date night.

5. The Pastor's Wife.

This should be a given, really. If the pastor's wife isn't already the church nursery coordinator, she is one of the most scheduled volunteers. I think it's part of the unofficial job description that any pastor's wife (senior, assistant, music, youth, it doesn't matter, none are immune) must spend a minimum number of hours per year in the church nursery. When nursery attendance unexpectedly spikes one week, or there is a mass nursery-wide meltdown, all volunteers inherently understand they must grab hold of the nearest pastor's wife and trust her to guide the nursery ship through these rough waters.

Those are the five categories I know.

What types of volunteers work in your church's nursery? Have you ever volunteered in the nursery?

Thinking you're slightly smarter than Solomon.

I don't ever say that out loud. I never actually vocalize "I'm smarter than Solomon!" But here is what often runs through my mind when I am faced with a decision:

"I've got this. I don't need to get wise counsel about this. I don't need to fast or pray or wait a month to really mull over my options. I've been patient for long enough. I shouldn't talk to people who have made similar decisions in the past and get their opinion. I don't need to consult the Bible to check out what Scripture has to say about this particular crossroads. I've got this."

And then I make a bad decision.

And then I act shocked.

"What? How did that go so poorly? I'm smart. Why did I end up making such a bad decision? That is unbelievable!"

But is it really? Can I honestly acted surprised when I make bad decisions in isolation? What I'm really saying there is:

"Yes, yes I know that the man we often herald as the wisest man who ever lived blew it. Yes, yes I know that the man God himself audibly bestowed with wisdom and knowledge wrecked his life. But I'm different. I'm not going to make those kinds of mistakes. My plan in life is to be just slightly smarter than Solomon."

Maybe you're the exception though. Maybe you are smarter than Solomon. And when you saw the title of this post, you knew exactly where I was going. And instead of reading it, you spent time using words like "Qi" in sentences, even though most of us have to cheat at Words with Friends to even know words like that exist.

But if you're like me and you're not smarter than Solomon, let's promise we'll stop making so many decisions in isolation. As cliché as this word has become, and as much as it makes me think of Crock Pots, let's be in community. With people who love us enough to challenge the decisions we're making.

Unless you're smarter than that. But, again, you probably stopped reading a long time ago and missed that I was about to drop "horjemr" into a sentence like I knew what that word meant.