Jon Acuff's Blog, page 119

SCLQ – The Full Circle

About a month ago, I had the chance to speak at Olivet Nazarene University outside of Chicago. It's a beautiful campus, and for the two days I was there, they put me up in the President's guest house.

On my second night, they had me do a Q&A with the students to talk about Quitter and chasing dreams and what to do after graduation. At 5:20, someone knocked on the door to pick me up.

On the way over to the event, my ride introduced himself as the Dean of Students. It was hard to contain my laughter. You see that very day, 17 years ago, I was having a very different experience with a Dean of Students. Two days after Halloween, at Samford University in 1994, the Dean of Students was putting me on a year-long social suspension.

A friend and I had exploded a fire extinguisher under someone's door in our dormitory. Apparently fire extinguisher fumes set off fire alarms, which apparently forces 400 students to be evacuated at 1 a.m. on Halloween night, which apparently makes the Birmingham fire department come with trucks a wailing, which apparently is frowned on in that establishment.

So, in that moment, I had to laugh  at God's sense of humor. At Olivet, 17 years after almost being kicked out of college, I got to tell 2,500 college students that Jesus loves them. At Liberty University, I got to tell 10,000 students that God is crazy about them. To see God bring a mess like me around full circle made me laugh with him at his beautifully unexpected way of connecting all the dots.

I didn't plan it. I couldn't have predicted it. And yet, here it is. Full circle.

Has that ever happened in your life? Have you ever stopped in a moment and realized how far God has brought you down a path you thought you'd never step on?

Have you ever seen his sense of humor at work that way?

Cyber Monday, Hello Somebody!

Someday I will tell my kids that, when I was young, we didn't have "Cyber Monday," the online shopping day after Thanksgiving week. And we didn't have it because we didn't have "cyber."

But you and I have it, and if you're thinking about getting someone a Christmas present today, might I suggest a Hello Somebody watch? Why? I'm glad you asked.

1. They are cool like old school Swatches.

2. They look much more expensive than they actually cost.

3. They help provide educational opportunities for Rwandan street kids.

4. They fit perfectly in stockings.

5. They come in "Quitter red."

OK, I might be the only who thinks that last point is awesome, but the first four points are true.

A few weeks ago, readers of Stuff Christians Like helped 6 kids in Rwanda go to a year-long educational program because we decided to rock Hello Somebody watches. (Our goal was 70 watches and we did over 420!)

And today, you can get 50% off when you buy two watches and enter the discount code "cybermonday." Or if you want the whole Hello Somebody experience they've got a scarf/beanie/mini watch/regular watch bundle for only $50. (My wife brought the scarf with her to Vietnam cause it's massive like a blanket and has approximately 600 different uses.)

Click here to get a Hello Somebody watch today!

(Click here if you want to learn more about the work SCL did with HelloSomebody.)

Dear Atheists, Chick-fil-A & Waiters.

Recently, I made the near fatal mistake of eating at a Cracker Barrel. "Wait Jon, I thought you loved Cracker Barrel?" is what you're probably thinking. Or you're thinking, "How arrogant do you have to be to believe that, with 200 million blogs online, people remember your feelings about country theme-styled restaurants.

Fair enough.

But the restaurant wasn't the mistake. The time we went was.

Sunday afternoon, after church, in the South. (Bowling Green, Kentucky to be precise.)

And as we surveyed the crowd of people crammed tightly into rocking chairs on the porch, I felt a need to write a few letters to a few groups of people. Which is what I now will proceed to do:

Dear Atheists,



I'm sorry. At some point, you've thought to yourself, "I would like some afternoon lunch right now, and I live in the Southeast. Why don't I casually go get some vittles on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, which is not the Sabbath but just a normal day?" That's a fine thought to have. I applaud you're use of the word "vittles." But, when you tried to enjoy a leisurely lunch, you were met with a bajillion church attendees. Cracker Barrel, PF Chang's, Macaroni Grill, suddenly there's a line out the door. Sorry about that. That's us, lots and lots of us. Our bad. Church gets out at around noon. Might I suggest an early morning brunch? Somewhere that specializes in mimosas will help keep the church traffic down.

Dear Waiters,

I hope you'll tell me that Sunday lunch is the best shift of the whole week because the people who come in are such good tippers, but I have my doubts. I have my doubts. Please just tell me you've never been tipped with a tract. I think Jesus himself would have frowned upon that move. He might have even made a whip in the Cracker Barrel parking lot.

Dear Chick-fil-A,

I love that you're closed on Sundays. I support you wholeheartedly. But, dang, you are like some sort of chicken temptress on Sunday afternoons. How come I'm so stupid on Saturdays and don't come see you when you're open? Why do I completely act surprised every time I drive into your parking lot after church only to find you closed? I get so excited at first because the line looks really short, only to be crushed against the harsh rocks of chicken denial.

Dear Massachusetts,

I grew up in your beautiful commonwealth, but you, much like me, have no idea how easy it is to dine on Sunday. Please, for every churchgoer that is waiting an hour for Shoney's in the south, go out to lunch in Boston. Don't take your sweet, sweet non-existent lunch lines for granted .

Dear parties of 30,

Seriously? Your whole Sunday School class had to all come and be seated as one group? How big around is this table that you're expecting Cracker Barrel to have? Treebeard would have to roll that thing out of some special closet. And he'd be furious by the time he got there because it'd be made of wood or as he says, "A fallen brother." Probably kill you when the hostess called your name, if I had to guess. So what I'm trying to say is throw a picnic somewhere for your class, unless you're OK with being murdered by a mythological/ecological tree-man at a restaurant.

I feel better already. But, to tell you the truth, there's more I could write. And I would, but they just now called our name at the Cracker Barrel in Bowling Green. Took two weeks to get in, but pancakes are worth it. Pancakes are always worth it.

Question:

Do you ever go out to eat after church?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Unless you live outside of the United States. Like in Finland, it's not Thanksgiving there. If that's where you're reading from, then allow me to say, "Happy Thursday!" But, on the plus side, we're less than 6 weeks away from the holiday known as "Epiphany" or as I like to call it in Finnish, Loppiainen.

So, still a pretty awesome Thursday. And don't you get down in the dumps either Australia. Before you know it, it will be time to celebrate the Royal Hobart Regatta.

Don't think I don't know about Australian holidays! I might even get a Royal Hobart Regetta hoodie.

But here in the states, it's Thanksgiving today. Regular SCL will return on Monday, with a satirical vengeance I might add, as if it's been running in waste-deep snow with a log on its back like Stallone in Rocky Four. Drago!

Today, let's keep it super simple with one question to answer in the comments:

What's something you're thankful for this year?

The Ninja Nod-off

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today's is from Noah Albrecht and it's illustrated! It's like SCL the graphic novel. Noah is a web designer on the Dave Ramsey Team. Check out his blog or follow him on Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL,here's how!)

The Ninja Nod-off. By- Noah Albrecht

Okay, raise your hands if you've ever experienced a Sunday morning sermon that didn't quite meet your conscious needs.

We've all been there once or twice.

Let me break down a scenario for you:

You roll into pre-church fellowship, fill your belly with coffee and some obscure pastry that you can't pronounce. Worship starts. After about 3 songs and a 20 minute hands-in-the-air version of "How Great is Our God," you settle into your seat. At this point, the morning announcements and prayer requests start.

Then, it happens. The sermon on the entire Book of Numbers kicks in.

Unbeknownst to you, a prayer for the bold Sumatra roast and not the Folger's decaf should've been in the prayer request mix somewhere. You slowly feel like your eyelids have ten pound weights attached to them. You start breathing heavy, and then…bam…you're out. When I mean out, I mean like Mike Tyson-uppercut-to-the-jaw, not the lower ear, out.

Your spouse, loved one, friend or neighbor gives you the elbow nudge. If it's your spouse, the nudge probably has a bit more body weight behind it. When I say that, I mean like a Shaq-throwing-an-elbow-during-a-rebound-in-game 7-of-the-NBA-playoffs type of body weight nudge. (Did I really just have 12 hyphens in a single sentence?)

You wake up with half the church glaring at you as if you left your iPhone's "Lady Gaga" ringtone on high. Even if that was the case, they wouldn't have even  heard the ringtone (or the sermon for that matter) because you were slumbering tenderly like that adorable lamb they use in church logos.

Okay, sometimes we can't help this. But if it does happen again, how can we prevent it the next time?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "The Ninja Nod-off":

 

The key to this entire approach is holding your Bible. If you do fall asleep, you'll drop it and that will wake you back up immediately, like a theological alarm system. And nobody judges the guy who drops his Bible. He was getting so deep into the word that the Bible accidentally fell out of his hands. You'll look holy and wake back up all at the same time. Win-win.

Know this: I don't subscribe to falling asleep during church sermons. But, if it does happen, I hope this handy-dandy diagram comes in handy. You're welcome.

So, anyone out there guilty of being a sermon sleeper? Fess up, you're amongst friends.

 

(Check out Noah's blog or follow him on Twitter for more great stuff!)

Suspecting you attend a Hipster Church: A Quiz

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today's guest post is from Tamara Lunardo.  Tamara is the editor of the upcoming book What a Woman is Worth (now accepting submissions) and a blogger at Tamara Out Loud and A Deeper Story. She's pretty sure she is not a hipster, but that shouldn't stop you from following her on Facebook or Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Suspecting You Attend a Hipster Church: A Quiz. By- Tamara Out Loud

With the recent rise in popularity of several pastors sporting dark-rimmed glasses and an elusive air of cool, Christians everywhere are asking themselves the weighty doctrinal question, Do I attend a hipster church? Here to offer discernment, a quiz:

1. When asked where you attend church, you respond a) "Normal Church Name" b) "Rented Nightclub Name" c) "It's an obscure location– you've probably never heard of it."

2. Your church's parking lot is full of: a) SUVs b) Volkswagens c) fixed-gear bikes.

3. Your congregation is dressed: a) in their Sunday best with sensible shoes b) in jeans and t-shirts with Converse c) in skinny jeans and American Apparel t-shirts with TOMS.

4. Your worship team sings: a) John B. Dykes' "Holy Holy Holy" b) Sufjan Stevens' "Holy Holy Holy"  c) Sufjan Stevens' "John Wayne Gacy, Jr."

5. Your pastor's sermons include references to: a) George MacDonald b) George Lucas c) George Bernard Shaw.

6. Your church service: a) has always included a traditional liturgy b) has never included a traditional liturgy c) included a traditional liturgy before it was cool.

7. Your children's ministry is full of: a) no-testament Aidens and Mackenzies b) New Testament Matthews and Annas c) Old Testament Ezekiels and Havilahs.

8. Your young adult group meets at a) Dunkin' Donuts b) Starbucks c) a locally-owned coffee shop serving fair trade coffee from a Chemex pot.

9. Your church dinners involve: a) spaghetti and meatballs b) spaghetti and meatballs and spaghetti without meatballs c) organic spaghetti and vegan "meat" balls.

10. You read your pastor's: a) newsletter b) Facebook updates c) tweets.

Bonus Question: What did you think of this quiz? a) You thought it was trying too hard to be relevant at the expense of sound theology b) You thought it was cool c) You were into it, but now you're over it.

Mostly A's: You attend a traditional church and don't know what a hipster is.

Mostly B's: You attend a hip church and think you know what a hipster is.

Mostly C's: You attend a hipster church and deny that you're what a hipster is.

How did your church score?

(For more great stuff from Tamara, make sure you check out her blog.)

Christian Video Games

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Here's a new one from Gyasi Byng.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Christian Video Games. By – Gyasi Byng

I spent a good part of my childhood learning the nuances of Super Smash Brothers and Mario Kart, but could you imagine how holy I would be now if those hours had been spent playing The Ten Commandants on Nintendo 64? I'm pretty sure that I would be a Super Christian able to see through the world's lies and leap temptation in a single verse.

Because I may some day have kids that may be gamers just like their mother, here's my list of 7 Christian video games I would like to see in the future.

Nintendo, you better get on this stat.

1. Ruth's Great Adventure

Product Description: You'll glean more than just wheat in this exciting take on the tale of Ruth! The more you glean, the more you'll lean on God's wisdom and guidance. The amazing transitions from game play to cinematics will keep you engaged in the story and wondering what on earth is going to happen next! (For some reason I really want to have Boaz carry a bo staff that he hits people with. Or be able to juke like Bo Jackson on Super Tecmo Bowl. Greatest player ever!)

2. Exodus: The Red Sea and Beyond

Product Description: In this unique multiplayer game you can play as Moses, Aaron, or Miriam. Collect Passover points that will get you out of Pharaoh's hands and into the Promise Land! (Bonus levels find you actually surfing the waves as they part like you're Kelly Slater.)

3. Proverbs! (in the style of Jeopardy! or Who Wants to be a Millionaire?)

Product Description: Ever get stumped during sword drills? This challenging trivia game will help you to delve deeper into God's word with every question. With each new level, you'll uncover more and more biblical ideals that will take you from gamer to truth proclaimer! (Oohh that rhyme just got all pastory.)

4. The Lord's Army

Product Description: Just because you can't ride in the Calvary doesn't mean you can't experience the thrill of fighting in the Lord's Army. In this wonderfully mild action/adventure game, you'll play as a soldier in Gideon's Army, ready to take on the Midianites. (At each level, the number of your army gets drastically reduced in size.)

5. Jael: Stake of Truth

      …actually, let me NOT go there. Some scenes in the Bible would make Grand Theft Auto feel tame.

6. Acts of the Apostles

Product Description: You can play your favorite apostle and spread the Gospel through Jerusalem, Judea, and Samaria! With a new multiplayer feature, you can team up with your friends to fulfill the Great Commission! Before you start out, you have to pass a number of levels where all you do is make tents. Not the most exciting game at first, but eventually there's a shipwreck and the constant threat of lions!

And last but certainly not least…

7. Magi: The Road to Bethlehem

Product Description: Discover the true meaning of Christmas in this thrilling game based on the Nativity story! Through 20 levels of star charts, camel rides, meetings with Herod and gift shopping, you'll know what it was really like to be a wise man. Include the whole family in this Bible-based fun! (If you play with your friends, make sure you don't pick the Myrhhhhh character. Very few people actually know what Mryhhhh is and his powers are very, very limited on this game.)

I figure with enough prayer power, we could totally get this going in a year or two.

What Bible story would you turn into a game?

Christian Pickup Lines

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Here's a new one from Lyndsay Rush, a Freelance Writer/Storyteller.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Christian Pickup Lines. – By Lyndsay Rush

Oh, dating.

It's beautiful, really: Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, girl falls for boy. Wedding. Babies. Bliss.

Or, if you're a Christian, it may go a little more like this: boy meets girl, boy hangs in groups with girl, girl falls in love, boy sends a text message, girl reads dating book, boy eats pizza, girl writes journal entries to her future husband, boy checks out the new Liam Neeson film, girl asks for prayer from her small group.

And on goes the love story. Clearly we Christians have really got this whole thing on lock, right?

If you're starting to doubt our dating prowess, think again. Don't discount that we've created an entire lexicon of our own words for it. We drop 'pursue' and 'intention' bombs to describe it, we have graphs and charts and Venn diagrams to track it; we have promise rings to commemorate it.

And try as we may to french kiss it goodbye, it's not going anywhere. So in the meantime let's focus on the magical thing that happens before the love story; the thing even the best books, E-harmony commercials, or Women's Conferences can't teach us. That's right: the Christian pickup line.

Didn't know it was a 'thing'? That's probably because it's that subtle and powerful. And while in the past I've discussed such hot topics as parenting, and, oh, dating, it's time we focus on the real issue: hitting on strangers who share your beliefs (I'm ever the hard-hitting investigative journalist).

So without further ado, here is a list of Christian Pickup Lines: Use wisely. Or, more aptly, please, please do not use these at all.

"I would part the Red Sea for you." It's the Bruno Mars of Christian pick up lines.
"What're you doing for the rest of your afterlife?" Hashtag #raptureromance.
"Did you say your name was Esther? Oh, I guess I just think you were chosen for such a time as this." I call this the money shot.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" This one is has been out there in the real world being used unknowingly by non-believers for dozens of years. Get after it.
"Did I see you at the 12:30?" Great convo starter; risky closer. This is not for the faint of heart because the 12:30 could mean literally dozens of churches. But if she is 26 or under, the chances that she goes to a 12:30 somewhere, are really high. Good luck.
"10% of me is 100% certain that I can give you 10% of my heart forever." This is to be used only during tithe and offering time and is so confusing it just may work.
"I feel like God's telling me to date you." If any of us had a dime.
"Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair." Solid. Gold.
"You must be Egyptian because I'm a slave for you." It's Britney meets B.C.
"You and me, we're like loaves and fishes…we just might be a miracle." Mystery and intrigue are the key to any good relationship. Oh, and raw fish.
"Do you want to be accountability partners?" Oldest trick in the book.
"On first dates, I always take girls to get BBQ ribs. It feels the most biblical considering they came from one." This one is super impressive.
"I know you've already said no once, but call me Joshua because I'm going to break down your walls." I think any woman would love to be referred to as Jericho.
"I'm no Joseph, but I'm having trouble interpreting the dreams I've been having about you." As long as you don't mention skinny or fat cows, you should be golden. Wait, no golden cows either.
"I don't know if you noticed but, when you walked into the room, that was me giving up a clap offering." Points for enthusiasm.
"I may not have a job right now, and I may live in my parent's basement, but I swear to you I'm storing up treasure in heaven and my mansion is gonna rock." If this doesn't get her, nothing else will.
"Wanna come over and watch Left Behind?" Hey, it just might work.

But surely, I'm not the only one who has heard lines like this. Have you ever heard a Christian pickup line?

(For more great stuff from Lyndsay, make sure you check out her blog.)

Developing a Noah Complex.

(It's guest post week at SCL since Jon is in Vietnam! Here's a new one from Callie Dean, a musician and youth minister in Shreveport, Louisiana.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Developing a Noah Complex. -By Callie Dean

Down here in Louisiana, we had a massive drought all summer long. The water level of our local lakes and rivers was at a record low, while the temperature reached highs of 100-plus degrees.

But all of this changed a few weeks ago. The clouds darkened, the wind howled, and little drops of water began falling from the sky. This lasted for at least half an hour, and our city amassed nearly an inch of rain.

That night, I arrived at church for our midweek worship service. Guess what our Scripture was?

That's right. Genesis 7-8: The Great Flood. And even before we got to the sermon, I overheard not one, but three people mention that "we might need to build an ark!"

Now, I know that an inch of rain is hardly comparable to a deluge that wiped out the entire planet. And I also know that God promised never to flood the earth again, shout out to Rainbow Brite, so none of us should ever need to build an ark. So why do we refer to this story every time there's the slightest hint of precipitation?

I have three theories:

1. It's the Christian equivalent of small talk.

If you're out at the grocery store and it begins to rain, you might start a casual conversation with something like, "Some rain we're having, huh?" But at church, there's pressure to insert relevant Bible verses into all your conversations. When you reference Noah's Ark, you can still keep things light and discuss the weather, while still throwing in a Scripture zinger!

2. We secretly want to be like Noah.

And I'm not just talking about the time he planted a vineyard and got drunk. Noah is the ultimate hero of every illustrated children's Bible; his story has action, adventure, AND animals! The real question is, who doesn't want to be called by God to go on a worldwide cruise with a traveling zoo? That's almost as good as hearing God call you to become a missionary on a beach resort somewhere. (Granted, Noah totally dropped the ball on the whole unicorn thing. Sure, he brought the narwhal, but would it have killed him to acquire the on land equivalent.)

3. Flood insurance, or the "I-told-you-so" factor. 

Whenever we tell the story of Noah's Ark, we like to get in a jab about all those other people who made fun of him while he was building the boat. Certainly, Noah got the last word in that story! So just in case there's any chance God might change his mind about that whole rainbow thing, we don't want to get lumped in with the skeptics. If we bring up the wrath of God every time we see a rain cloud, then no one will ever be able to accuse us of being unfaithful. (And maybe some kind soul will let us climb aboard their ark to wait out the storm!)

What do you think?  Have you ever compared yourself to Noah? If not, what's another Bible character you compare yourself to sometimes?

 

(For more great stuff from Callie, check out her blog!)

Siri is the new church Secretary.

(It's guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today's post is from Elizabeth Hyndman, an Administrative Assistant and grad student living in Nashville, TN.  She blogs at edyndman.com and tweets @edhyndman. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how!)

Siri is the new church secretary. By Elizabeth Hyndman

I'm sure you've heard all about Siri, the new virtual assistant that comes with the iPhone 4s. She answers questions, researches things, schedules stuff, and even calls and texts people for you. Amazing, right?

It is amazing, but even more amazing is that I'm pretty sure Apple stole this idea from Christians. Christians have had this kind of know-it-all assistant for a while now. We call them church secretaries or "the most powerful person in church."

Think about it. The church secretary not only has access to every church member's address and phone number, she probably has quite a few of them memorized. The church secretary can also find the address and phone number for the pastor-that-was-there-15-years-ago-we-called-him-Brother-Tom?.

The church secretary keeps up with the youth pastor's schedule. He also knows the church calendar for December. If you don't think that's impressive, you have probably never met a youth pastor or seen a church calendar during December (musicals, angel trees, shoeboxes, parties, candlelight services…that month is a mess).

Another thing church secretaries know how to do? Use Google. Just like Siri.

As a church secretary myself, I have often fielded calls and visits from people just looking for answers. They were seeking the truth. They weren't looking for Jesus, though. They were looking for the number of the Seventh Day Baptist Church that meets "somewhere around there" or wondering which doctors are covered under their health insurance plan. The questions were Googled, the answers were given, and the truth set those people free…to call that church and to see a doctor, respectively.

Maybe Siri could answer those questions. Maybe she could provide a map to the church and the doctor as well. But could she also add your name to the church prayer list, offer a "Bless your heart," and let you know if the music minister is available with his truck to move your piano on Thursday? A church secretary can.

Have you ever opted to call the church secretary, rather than use Siri or Google?

If you are a church secretary, what is the strangest request you've received?

 

(For more great stuff from Elizabeth, check out her blog!)