Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 8

Have You Ever Had A Character Steal Your Heart?

Have you ever been viscerally drawn to a character from myth or story, or even from a book or film?

You know, one that instantly grabs you by the proverbial ovarios and won’t let go? In other words, speaks to your heart so deeply that your soul leaps out to greet it?

From the beginning of time, humans have responded to the symbology we know as archetypes. Our cells literally resonate to them, even if we haven’t the words to explain why.

Archetypes are innate symbols of the experience of what it means to be human. I.e., they represent basic human behavior and situations.

The psychologist Carl Jung based much of his work on these as they relate to the collective unconscious, and what they mean to the human psyche. How these characters are symbols of deeper meanings and myths within us, whether they be traits one ascribes to or already embodies.

“The archetype concept derives from the often repeated observation that myths and universal literature stories contain well defined themes which appear every time and everywhere. We often meet these themes in the fantasies, dreams, delirious ideas and illusions of persons living nowadays.” ~Jung

The hero’s journey, after all, is one we all take. We’re each the ultimate hero of our own story. Although as Jung teaches, at the same time we’re also just spear chukers in another’s heroic tale.

There’s a reason that the great characters from modern books and film resonate as well, as they, too, plug into ancient archetypes within us. In other words, at their core, they embody elements of mythological heroes.

In I Just Came here to Dance, the almost main character, Diana, is named for the Goddess of the Hunt. Quite fierce and a huntress in her own right, Diana holds together an eclectic group of folks while facing foes from within and without.

Ah, what joy it was to write her.

Recently I’ve had an archetypal experience that rocked me to my core. In my world, everything, literally everything is energy. Although sometimes I lose that thread . . .

Forty-five years ago, I fell in love with a character from an old TV series, Lancer.

Forty-five years ago, I fell in love with a character from an old TV series, Lancer.

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Now, I’ve never fallen for actors, themselves. I can see an actor in a host of roles, and not be drawn to him at all, even after loving one character he played. In other words, the actor, in every other role, doesn’t do anything for me.

It’s the archetype of the character who steals my heart, and speaks to my soul.

Johnny Madrid Lancer did that for me, all those decades ago.

I hadn’t thought of him since.

Then, oddly, a month or so back, he popped into my consciousness. Out of the proverbial blue. So, I googled Lancer, and came up with a gazillion hits. One of which had a clip from the show.

As soon as it started, I sat simply rapt. And transported not so much back in time as back to the present and future. An odd, odd feeling, indeed.

So of course, like any obsessed fan, I dug and dug until I found the entire 3-year, 51-episode series (in un-digitally remastered so original form, to boot) on e-bay and bought it.

Imagine my glee, watching these episodes now!

And my puzzlement at being viscerally drawn into a character, over 45 years later . . .

Johnny was the bad boy with a heart of gold, who grows into a fine man.

We don’t need Jung to analyze that!

But with courage and kindness, he retains that spark of wildness and freedom, of untamed, unbroken, unbridled passion. As Murdock says to his prodigal son at one point, “Part of you will always be Johnny Madrid.”

So why, all this time later, did I find myself running after him?

Like you, I’ve been pretty busy being an adult. The last 20 years, I’ve just worked my butt off. The last ten years added all those “issues” of living—dealing with ill parents for a very long stretch, then hospitals, dying, and death. Then managing all their related “stuff,” which took years after. Add more family issues (amazing how those come after the deaths of parents). Then undertaking a blogging career and having a novel launch, and all the while running an editorial business and trying to keep the actual writing of fiction going.

Oh, and showing dogs and having puppies and . . .

You know, life.

Adulting, as it were.

Only this year have I been finally able to catch my breath, after 10 pretty long ones.

Only this year am I back to writing a new novel, albeit in fits and starts.

Only this year have I plugged deeply into that passion that feeds my very soul.

Only this year, back to being me.

So it’s not that crazy that the original wild man in my psyche decides to bubble back up. Which isn’t exactly accurate. Rather, he came roaring back in.

As Jung would call it, the very animus at my core. The male side that when integrated into my psyche produces a whole human being.

The archetype of Johnny Madrid Lancer to me is courage to pursue my passion. It’s a fearlessness—which folks once said of my fiction. It’s honesty in its rawest form.

But mostly, it’s about freedom. From societal constraints. Freedom to act from a place of pure ethics rather than laws.

So now as I dive back into the new novel, I take all of that with me. The courage. The fearlessness. The honesty.

And most importantly, the freedom to go chase wild horses.

As Clarissa Pinkola Estes said in Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and stories of the Wild Woman Archetype:

“Bone by bone, hair by hair, Wild Woman comes back. Through night dreams, through events half understood and half remembered...”

I am mightily blessed.

What archetypes speak to you?

Photo credit

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Have a Better Day with a Positive Mantra

Have you noticed how some days are easier to get through than others?

Or is it just me?

Often now, or even most of the time, my day sails by with wonderful events. I’m positive, upbeat, eager to see what comes next.

But then, other times I feel like I’m slogging through the muck and the mire.

You know those times—when you get to do everything twice. Or little irritants come bite you on the butt, gobbling up your joy along with that requisite pound of flesh.

Yep, a bit dramatic. But it can sure feel that way, no?

I’m not a big fan of those days. I like the smiley-faced ones lots better.

What I know for true though is that my reaction to said events is what’s going to determine if I stay in the monster-filled doldrums, or get back to smiling with joy.

Easier said than done, at times.

But check this out: We can change our moods by what we hold in our minds.

Sages of all ilk have been telling us this, from the Buddha to the Bible, and within all spiritual disciplines since. We have so much anecdotal evidence (I bet you have your own as well) that discounting it doesn’t make much sense.

And one of the best ways I know to affect this is by using a daily mantra.

SO many studies have proven this. I’m always just tweaked when science proves the validity of a spiritual tenant. That old left brain/right brain connection runs strong J

But a relatively new study from Carnegie Mellon University, published in PLOS ONE, actually provides the first evidence that positive mantras (okay, they called them self-affirmations) protect against the damaging effects of stress on problem-solving performance.

Who can beat that. And it’s sure cheaper than oral medications. Not to mention—better for our bodies.

Taking this even further, the science of Neuroplasticity is now widely accepted as scientists are proving the brain is infinitely adaptable and dynamic.

They found that the brain actually has the power to change its own structure.

And even people with strokes, cerebral palsy, and mental illnesses can train other areas of their brains through repetitive mental and physical activities.

Talk about totally life-altering.

What this means as far as a daily mantra is concerned is that through repetitive positive thought, you can rewire your brain and bolster those brain areas that stimulate positive thinking.

Maybe the Buddha was onto something all those millennia back. As was the writer of Proverbs . . .

Norman Doidge, M.D., covers this in depth in his widely acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science. Doidge states that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself and/or form new neural pathways.

The caveat: You have to do the work.

Just like exercise, this work demands repetition and action to reinforce new learning.

But the kicker? If you do it, it will work.

Funny enough, this functions in reverse as well. You know all that negative self-talk? Well, that, too, is operating overtime to bring you what you’re focused upon.

We’re actually proving this in our lives every single day.

So if we know that for true, why not focus on positive mantras?

One of the ones I use often is: Everything is working out for me.

And you know, it actually is and does. Even in the midst of perceived insanity or failure, when I say this (and now I’ve come to know it), the blessing shows up quicker and quicker these days.

Another one I use often (not enough!) is: Something wonderful is going to happen to me today. Or, something magickal (depending upon my mindset). And that happens as well.

But the most important part of all of this is how it affects my mood.

Isn’t it just so much more fun and rewarding to skip through the day with tons of energy and smiles and joy and eagerness for what’s to come?

When I do that, great things happen.

What positive self-talk, affirmations, mantras do you use? I’d love to hear your findings!

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You Think You’re a Failure in Life? So What?

We all have that feeling now and then, don’t we? You know, the (usually loud) voice that says, “You’re a failure! Give this up!”

Or is it just me?

Because lord knows I’ve thought that many times.

I work in a fairly brutal industry. Publishing is just unforgiving when it comes to selling fiction to Traditional houses. I’m not talking about the self-publishing craze, but the way of producing books the old-fashioned way—where your manuscript sells to a publisher, who pays you an advance, undertakes all the costs, and then pays royalties.

You know, the way it once was exclusively done.

It’s always been exceedingly tough to sell to a Traditional publisher, and I’ve been blessed in that area. And with the digital revolution over the last decade and a half, it’s gotten even more incredibly difficult.

What once was a literal million-to-one shot is now more like 3-million-to-one.

It’s not difficult to feel like a failure here.

I bet your industry is tough as well. Many who read this are bloggers, trying to succeed in a huge market. The latest statistic I could find said that 6.7MM people publish blogs on blogging websites, and another 12MM write blogs using their social networks.

And that was from an article that listed 45 reasons to blog!

Still, that’s a lot of folks out there trying to get messages out.

And I’m not even sure I know what “successful blog” translates to.

Many, many professions are tough to succeed in. And that doesn’t even mean being at the top of the pyramid, but merely finding success in the middle.

We all begin starry-eyed. And none of us likes to fail.

But no matter what you aspire to, if you’re not failing, you’re not trying. Absolutely no one succeeds all the time.

But no matter what you aspire to, if you’re not failing, you’re not trying.

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And if you’ve failed, you’re in good company.

Don’t you always love those stories about famous folks who failed a zillion times before they succeeded?

And aren’t their takes on it eye-openers?

I always loved that Thomas Edison quote, when asked if he felt like a failure after so many tries that didn’t work.​

“Why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitely over 9,000 ways an electric lightbulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp.” ~Edison

Okay, I have to admit, I haven’t tried anything 9,000 times.

And I’m fairly happy that Edison didn’t quit!

Or how about Walt Disney, who was fired by the editor in 1919 from his job at the Kansas City Star paper because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

When I wrote my first novel, of course I believed it was brilliant (all writers do!). And of course, I had a lot to learn. As one editor’s rejection read: “Your infelicitous word choices turned me off.”

Ouch! I can’t really think of a worse criticism for a writer.

And yep, I saved that one.

But, I got better and my third novel was published by a nice Traditional Literary press.

Famous rejections in publishing are legion. They are everywhere, but again, publishing is what I know.

Here are just a few of my favorite rejections:

1. Gone With the Wind was rejected 38 times before a publisher said yes. It sold 30 million copies.

2. One publisher said of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead: “Unsaleable and unpublishable.” Random House took a chance and it sold 7 million copies in the US alone.

3. Twenty-four literary agencies turned down Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook. The 25th agency took him on, and a week later it sold for 1 million smackers.

4. When Louisa May Alcott was told to “stick to teaching,” she refused to give up on her dream. Little Women went on to sell millions of copies, and is still in print today.

I could go on and on and on and on with these. When I said these rejections—and perceived failures—were legion, that’s not even close to the reality!

They all make me laugh, all bolster my courage. One that tickles me on all levels is: “Nobody will want to read a book about a seagull.” Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull has sold over 44 million copies.

So, where were the real failures?

In all walks of life, we can cite these sorts of stories. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mary Kay Ash, Oprah Winfrey, Colonel Sanders, Henry Ford, Abraham Lincoln. Shoot, just to list all the famous failures would take all day.

It is often said that your greatest success is just one more step beyond failure. But we want to see that success, no? To realize it. Preferably now.

I love the teachings of Abraham Hicks, and one I grapple with often is that of living in the success of the thing you seek. That when the desire is launched, you’re already on the journey toward it.

The thing that holds you back is focusing on what isn’t there yet. And the point is, to focus on what you want.

It keeps me motivated. Keeps me striving for that brass ring. Keeps me writing.

So if you feel like a failure, so what? You’re in awfully good company.

And why do we know these stories? Because these folks didn’t quit.

As Michael Jordan famously said:

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I have missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

What keeps you going after failure?

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The Power of Silence in a Chaotic World

Do you ever feel as though you’re running like the proverbial chicken without a head?

Maybe not always, but sometimes or even often?

Many times it feels like my litany of tasks wants to flap around like chicken feathers fighting for flight. The responsibilities quite often seem (and are) endless.

I’m sure you know the feeling.

And that doesn’t even take into account whatever current insanity or horror is happening in the world around us. You know those things—the ones that capture the emotion and focus and, well, there just went another minute or hour of the day.

You probably don’t have a lot of time to waste like that either.

And keeping sane in the midst of chaos can feel like a fantasy. You feel like you’re banging your head against a wall.

So what are some ways to keep calm as you plough through your day?

The very best one I know is meditation. Which always seems counter-productive to my monkey mind. “What do you mean?” it squawks. “You have way too much to do to sit in silence!”

And sadly, I confess, I sometimes let it convince me.

Because one thing I know for true is silence provides the most effective antidote to any sort of chaos in the world.

How do I know?

Not just from my own anecdotal evidence, and that of others, but now we have reams of scientific (via brain scans) proof.

World-renowned neuroscientist Dr. Richie Davidson at the Center for Healthy Minds, U of Wisconsin-Madison, and his colleagues have found amazing results regarding the power of silence and the mind.

“Even short amounts of practice can induce changes in the brain,”

Dr. Davidson

Short amounts meaning 30 minutes of meditation a day. And these changes can be tracked on a brain scanner.

Okay, that tweaks me. Doesn’t it you?

To begin with, here’s what they found:

Increased Grey Matter in these key areas:

Anterior Cingulate Cortex. Among its functions are self-regulation, including attention and cognitive flexibility.

Sign me up for more of that!

Prefrontal Cortex. This area is primarily responsible for planning, problem solving, and regulating the emotions.

Not that any of us have to worry about those. Right?

Hippocampus. Part of the limbic system, this holds sway over learning and memory. It’s also highly susceptible to stress and stress-related disorders such as depression and PTSD.

Not that any of us have any stress in our lives . . .

Also the fight-or-flight center of the brain, the Amygdala, decreases in size after meditation.

Did all of that get your attention? Boy, it did mine. I mean, I know meditating puts me in a different place. But I love when I can learn how it scientifically does so. And how enormous are its benefits.

So what’s the magic formula? How much meditation is required? See—there’s my monkey mind again, asking exactly how much it has to invest!

The good news is, not that much! In fact, surprisingly little. This study found that only 10 minutes per day over a 16 week period showed significant improvements in focus and attention.

A gazillion ways exist for useful mediation. The key is to pick one. And do it.

So what’s the number-one factor for meditative effectiveness?

Consistency. As in daily.

What tweaked me the most was, however, the added bonus. The connection between the Me Center (the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex), involved in processing those people we see as different from us, and the bodily sensation center involved with empathy, grows stronger with meditation.

This enhances the ability to understand where another is coming from. Increasing the ability to empathize, to feel compassion.

Well. That certainly slays my excuses!

No wonder those Buddhists are so compassionate.

So, what do you have to lose? Even I can find 10 minutes in my day. And when I do, I don’t need scientific studies to prove what it does for my life.

How do you find silence in this crazy world?

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Should You Really Do What You Love?

We hear it all the time, don’t we?

“Do what you love and the money will follow.”

“Follow your bliss.”

And of course, we could go on and on and on.

But I hear from so many people who have pursued their passions, only to be left disillusioned on the path. They did what they loved, they followed their bliss, they planned, worked at it, only to have one door after another close in their faces.

They built it . . . and nobody came.

Wouldn’t it be great if all people in the whole wide world did what they truly loved and were rewarded by fame or monetary gains or Olympic gold medals?

We actually had that experiment in this country, with the generation now known as Millennials. And quite the experiment it was.

I’ll never forget how shocked I was while my nieces and nephews were growing up. They participated in different sports, and rather than having winners and losers and everybody in between, they all got medals for participating.

Which wasn’t what surprised me. The eye-opener came when those who actually won weren’t recognized any differently.

I know the idea behind this—that we want everyone to participate, to give their best, and get a big pat on the back for doing so, thereby keeping that elusive self-esteem protected.

Self-esteem isn’t built by someone constantly telling you how great you are. It comes from within and mastery of tasks.

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But the rub is that self-esteem isn’t built by someone constantly telling you how great you are. It comes from mastery of a task, it comes from within.

Which arises from earning it—the old-fashioned way. With grit and determination and persistence.

Giving the ‘good old college’ try isn’t effective if you only do it once.

Annoying, isn’t it?

And let’s face it—not everyone has the gifts of a Michael Phelps.

But how often do we see so many in that millennial generation disillusioned because the “real” world hasn’t rewarded them in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed?

I see this with my editorial clients. Learning to write fiction well really is rocket science, and takes years if not decades to truly grasp all the nuances.

But why put in all that time and effort when you can slap a bunch of words on the page, toss out a book via one of the self-publishers, and call yourself the next Hemingway?

In short, many times they whine and say, “Learning all those skills just takes too much time.”

Translation: effort.

And that’s just the first task at hand.

Because even after you’ve sweated all that blood, shed all those tears, well, that in no way means you’ll garner all those awards that “should” come your way.

Life really is short though, no? The older one gets, the more apparent this cliché becomes.

And I still shudder at times with the story of “The Death of Ivan Ilych,” where we learn “Ivan Ilych's life had been most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible.” And on his deathbed he asks: “Can it be that I have not lived as one ought? But how not so, when I've done everything as it should be done?”

Quite a testimony he gives to living a life of should, rather than one crafted with passion and love.

Yes, the risks of living the inauthentic life are perilous indeed.

Conversely, we know that fashioning a life based on what we love stirs our passions, fills us with meaning, brings inspiration to lift our wings as we toil.

Living another way, I cannot imagine. Although I, too, have done it.

That was a choice. It’s always a choice how you live your life. But I’ve made a different one today.

Doesn’t mean any of it’s ever been easy.

One of the main keys here is from that Field of Dreams quote, alluded to earlier. It’s commonly misquoted as: “If you build it, they will come.” I.e., paint your picture, write your book, offer your heart and soul as services, and you’ll become rich and famously successful.

But that wasn’t actually the quote now, was it. The actual quote was: “If you build it, he will come.”

This story was far more about healing a deep psychological wound than about riches and fame . . .

And isn’t that the crux? Nobody ever said that if you do what you love, follow your dreams, you’ll be the next Michael Phelps. Is it possible? Anything is possible. Likely? Um . . . Guaranteed? In no way.

But here’s what I do know for True:

By following your dreams, you follow your destiny.

Your life will become oh-so-much richer than you ever thought possible.

Your world will be rife with meaning.

Just always know the corollary exists as well, the harder part, which “they” rarely tell you:

Persistence is required, along with hard work. Sometimes for years. Sometimes, decades. Depending upon your field of endeavor, sometimes achieving what you seek takes a lifetime.

Persistence is required, along with hard work. Sometimes for years. Sometimes, decades.

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Are you up for it?

In the end, there’s only one way to keep carrying on in the face of all of that:

Believe in yourself. Believe in your destiny. Know that no matter how odd the monsters may look on the side of the road around you, you’re on your path.

Wherever that might lead.

And if you find the grit to follow that road less taken, to commit to doing what you love, to head out on your own hero’s journey, your life will absolutely change.

As Joseph Campbell also said, “When you follow your bliss...doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.”

Are you doing what you love? If not, what’s stopping you?

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How to Keep Your Friends during a Presidential Election

My goodness but we’re a polarized nation.

One glance at social media tells the tale of anger and hatred and lashing out at, well, anyone who doesn’t hold your same view. The vitriol amazes me.

But it’s not just social media, is it? Mention anything about politics these days, on just about any issue, and man, do the heated words escalate. In pretty much a nano-second.

I often stand back and think, how did that happen so fast?

Don’t you?

We can all pretty much tell a story of this in recent times. A good friend of mine, who holds quite different views from a very long-time friend, put up a post that caused said chum to un-friend her on Facebook.

Seriously, how does one even do that?

But we’ve all had similar experiences by this point, if we’ve said our opinions out loud.

I just posted what I thought was pretty innocuous about Simone Manuel’s Olympic wins, in the context of history in my lifetime, and man, did a guy come out blasting.

Emotions run deeply and divided in our world.

But that’s easier to deal with, no? When it’s not somebody close to you?

So how do you handle that and keep your friends, well, still your friends, during this time of heated emotion?

The good news is, it’s still up to each of us.

Not the politicians themselves (she types, with one finger tied behind her back :). Not the nastiness that comes out of their mouths. Not the media, which has been an easy whipping boy for a good bit.

Not even social media, which bears its own part in the shame of this.

We, ourselves, hold the keys to how we weather any storm—be it a hurricane or vitriol from someone close.

I learned this a long time ago, with my very father. Ah, yes, the closer the relationships, the easier buttons are to push.

But he and I couldn’t possibly have held more conflicting views. And yep, I spent much of my young adulthood arguing with him.

And then one day I realized—there was absolutely nothing I could say to change his mind. And all I was doing was wasting precious energy trying.

That was a revelation.

You’ve had that too, no? Where you kept thinking if you just expressed yourself more clearly, said it a different way, lay down in the street and set yourself on fire, then they would see you were right.

How did that work out?

Whomever merely held fast to his views anyway. And now thinking, of course, that you were bat-shit crazy to boot.

The thing is, we’re a heckuva lot better at spewing our beliefs than we are at listening, truly trying to understand another’s.

I mean, we came hard-fought to our opinions and know we’re right, no?

Over the years, I’ve learned 5 fail-safe ways of dealing with it. So let’s fire away

5 fail-safe way to keep a friendship during this election season.

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1. Listen.

First, no matter how repulsive I find another’s thoughts, I can always make sure he’s heard. I can ask questions. I can repeat back what I hear, to make sure I heard it right. No matter how many times I want to jump in and say, “That fact is actually inaccurate,” the point of this exercise is to make sure the other person feels heard.

Because in the end, that’s what most folks want anyway—to be heard. That’s where so much pain and anger and frustration come from—the feeling that nobody listens, nobody hears, nobody cares.

Now, you have to be prepared for the other person to then believe you think he’s right. That’s the ironic part. Because everybody, again, thinks that if you hear him out, you’ll see the light.

And he most likely won’t return the listening favor.

But that’s okay—for now. Because what you’ve just done is dampen his anger a bit, if only for the time.

Admittedly, in the heat of an argument, this is one of the most humanly difficult things to do.

It’s in your wheelhouse though, isn’t it? You yourself have been dead wrong before, no? If not, I’d love to meet you!

But the point being, in your wrong-headedness, someone gave you quarter, true?

2. Agree to disagree—even if you’re the only side doing that.

Second, absolutely none of us are going to agree 100% of the time. Not possible. Even those whose views are on the same planet as mine, well, we have nuances of differences. Of course, we don’t yell at each other about those!

I just had this happen with a good friend. We held different views of something that was happening in real time, and in which we both had a big stake. We both stated our views. Passionately bolstered those with facts.

And, disagreed.

We agreed to disagree. For the time. We can always revisit that down the road if need be.

Let me say this straight: we’re just never going to persuade another all the time—no matter how right we are! 

3. Work on your own anger, which has come up in response.

Third, the fact of the matter is that anger is buried in there (or not so buried!) or the flash point wouldn’t have arisen in you to begin with.

That old psychological truism exists: we judge in others what mirrors our own issues.

Ouch.

Hate when that happens!

But by turning the tide back to the person in the mirror, you can deal with what’s really bugging you. And I can promise—it’s not who’s running for president.

I’ve always loved the Dalai Lama’s response to the differences in religions, “Same path, different walking stick.”

Whenever I get truly angry with another’s views, I try and remember the spirit of that quote.

4. Ignore it.

Fourth, while this might not be so easy with someone very close to you, it’s real easy on social media:

Just scroll on by.

I haven’t gotten dragged into huge arguments there. Even on my own posts when someone decides to get horsey, I almost never respond. When that happens I harken back to my old horse-training days. If a colt is unruly, I’d let him fight himself.

Sure saves me a lot of energy. As in the case with my dad.

They guy with the rant about Simone on my FB page? I did respond. I told him I heard him. And that I felt differently.

And that’s the only response I’ll give.

When my friends post rants that I think are insane? I don’t read them. I just scroll on by . . .

Unless this is someone living in your home, it’s pretty easy to do.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend the other day, and she and I don’t agree on much, politically. She laughed about that, and I said, “I love having diverse friends. And it’s so easy to do with a friend, and nearly impossible with a spouse.”

The point being, when the difference of opinion isn’t in your face every minute of every day, it’s easy to live with.

Especially because my friend is wonderful in every other way! J

How will you get through this presidential season without blowing a gasket or losing a friend?

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5. Find common ground.

Finally, it’s always there. Always.

Buried maybe, but we’re all human, in the end. Everyone wants to make the world a better place, no matter how misguided his thoughts. I mean, even Hitler thought he was improving the world.

And your friend is no Hitler, right? Otherwise, why is he your friend? Even on FB!

We have months of this presidential-election season to go. We can survive it! I have faith in us.

And the other thing I do, well, pretty much always and pervasively, so it’s not its own number, is:

Vent to those of like mind. Ah, isn’t that manna from heaven after dealing with folks who aren’t? That diffuses all lingering negativity for me, causes me to exhale, and turn to face whatever else comes.

How will you get through this presidential season without blowing a gasket or losing a friend?

The post How to Keep Your Friends during a Presidential Election appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

7 Tips on How to Find Your Creative Spirit Again

Creativity. A must have for us, no? Whether you’re a novelist, blogger, sculptor or baker—or with anything you’re truly invested in doing—we need that creative muse to inspire us and enrich our work.

And how frustrating when that very creativity flies for the summer to Brazil.

We all have that happen, no? When you just can’t find that spark to save your stinkin’ life.

And we all also know that getting angry about it doesn’t help one blessed thing.

So, how do we find that creative spirit again?

Here are 7 ways:


1


Take the pressure off

A key lies in the opening here—the must have. How often do we feel pressured to produce? Often, no? We all have busy lives, in addition to whatever we are creating. And unless you’re retired, sometimes it’s even tough to find the time to carve out for your creative endeavor. Even if it has to be done.

And that’s an inspiration killer if ever there was one.

Maybe your boss is breathing down your neck. Maybe a deadline looms. All those “outer” circumstances aren’t going to change.

So, focus on the thing itself—keep your eye single—rather than the deadline. It won’t make the deadline go away, but it will free you up, at least for a time. And often, just a few minutes will light the spark.

Find your creative spirit again by taking the pressure off.

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2


Change Your Attitude about the Task Itself

You can also change your mind about how you work. Which will change your mind as you do it.

Before you begin, see the project going well. Visualize yourself enjoying the time as you produce what you produce. Make it your intent to have fun with it.

This sounds simplistic and too easy. But I promise—if you do this every time, a switch in your brain will flick and creativity will shine forth so much more easily.

3


Change Your Mind, Period.

Take all of those “I can’t,” “I don’t know,” “I’m overwhelmed” thoughts and instead put in their position, “What if . . .?”

If you stay in a place of feeling overwhelmed, or stumped, or doubting whether you can do something, and instead ask open-ended questions, you’re much more likely to have solutions bubbling up from your intuition.

And that’s where creativity lives.

“What if” questions open the door new ideas.

As Einstein said, “To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination.”

4


Get Your Monkey Mind out of the way.

Okay, so sometimes your mind is on a continuous reel you just can’t seem to stop. And it’s really hard to focus on a creative endeavor when you have fifty-four other necessary tasks running through your mind.

So, you need a way to derail that circular train.

Meditate. Even if for 15 minutes. Go for a walk. Soak in a tub. Do anything that quiets the mind, again, even if only for a short time.

The bigger the project, the more time you may need to spend on this quieting process. I counsel my editing clients, once they send manuscripts to me, and in between major revisions, to go stare at the water, go hike a mountain. It takes a while to get all those characters and plot lines out of your head.

But getting them out causes you to return with fresh eyes.

5


Practice Free Form of whatever You Do.

If a writer, sit in stream of consciousness, penning as you go. A Western painter I know will do watercolor abstracts in between. A friend who’s a renowned sculptor will make simple pots and ashtrays now and then—you know, the kind we made in elementary school!

Just do something in your field you that takes no thought, and let it flow.

6

Learn a new skill.

Anything new. Take up basket weaving or speaking Spanish. This again jumpstarts the brain.

Don’t have time to learn Spanish before that report or blog or short story is due? Make a new recipe. Learn a new yoga move.

The point is, it doesn’t matter what the thing is, just that you haven’t done it before.

7


Be Fed by the Creativity of Others.

I can be in the most creatively arid place in the world, and read a great novel and inspiration just surges. To a lesser extent, movies do this for me as well. As does visiting the museum. Or watching a glassblower at work.

It doesn’t really matter what sort of art you’re perusing. The point is to engage the right side of the brain—the one in charge of feelings, perceptions—rather than the left hemisphere, which carries out logic.

It’s that right side where your creativity lives, and where it thrives.

All of these have in common taking your mind out of its rut, which unburies creativity from the mud and mire. And that’s the point, no? Because creativity really didn’t fly to Brazil—it’s still there, ready to flourish again in the light.

You just have to find that light.

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try.”

 
Dr. Seuss

How do you woo your creative muse?

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What Love Can Do

We seem to tell a tale of two hearts these days, one based on Love, and the other, Fear.  The version steeped in Fear says that Love isn’t realistic in such a modern world.

But what I know for True is that Love isn’t about rose-colored glasses.  It’s about action.

I recently had the joy of attending the ordination and consecration ceremony for Daniel George Polycarp Gutierrez, as the 16th Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Pennsylvania.

 

Now, that’s a mouthful.  And my goodness, but this was a big tooting deal.  I knew it would be, but even I was amazed by, as they say in Episcopal circles, all the bells and smoke and ceremony.

But I was amazed most by something far deeper.

Full disclosure—this is not my religion.  Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I’m not so big on organized religion at all.  Not that the church, in all of its iterations, hasn’t done a lot of good in the world.  But at least as often we cringe at the negative aspects of power and control, of nefarious deeds that seem to crop up from all corners.

Mainly, when it comes down to it, church hierarchy has always just given me a headache.

But a spiritual path is something much more vital in my world, and I honor whatever route leads anyone to a relationship with the divine.  Although I don’t subscribe to any label, I follow, or try to, the teachings of the Christ.

But labels often merely get in the way.

As the philosopher said, “Once you label me you negate me.”

Soren Kierkegaard

Which works on all levels, including spiritual ones.

God just shows up in many forms.

The honor to attend this ceremony came from my dear friend and sister, Suzanne, the wife of the now Bishop.  We’ve been friends for 40 years, and I cannot imagine this life without her.  She’s simply one of the dearest people on earth.

I am aunt to their son, Jude, and still cannot figure out how he has become a senior in high school.  But a fine young man he is growing into, indeed.

So anyhow, I attended the ceremony and all the weekend festivities, as part of the family.

Participating were several Bishops.  As well as the Presiding Bishop of the United States, a delightful man, always with a laugh or a smile and a twinkle in his eye.  And all the other hierarchy, which sort of escapes me now.

The newly consecrated Bishop, however, is to me, well, still Dan.

I’ve known him for over 25 years.  I remember when he was wooing Suzanne (and woo her, he had to do!).  Known him through their careers, through the birth of their son.  Through many, many times of both heartache and joy, beginnings and deaths.  Through all those passages that humans must go.

I have watched him grow through all of these, as he worked in the political arena as well.  He has always been a man of ethics and morals (which doesn’t quite square with our idea of politics, right?).

But I’ve also gotten a ring-side seat as he’s grown from an idealistic youth into a fine man.  One who takes the admonition to love one another as a main tenet of his life (in both professional and personal realms), manifesting this through the things that he does.  Whether those be leading a church, counseling people in great grief, or volunteering at the soup kitchen on Thanksgiving Day.  And a million things in between.

As Bishop, he now answers to the aforementioned Presiding Bishop of the US.  And the Presiding Bishop answers to the Archbishop of Canterbury.  You know the one—who meets once a week with the Queen of England.

Getting the picture?

Yep, a big tooting deal, indeed.

But none of the pomp and circumstance is what amazed me.  Even though it was beautiful.

I wasn’t of course the only non-member in the cathedral.  As young Barrett, who leaned in and said with a scrunched-up face as we recited The Lord’s Prayer, “This isn’t how we say it in the Methodist Church.”

Nope!

Although both Barrett and his brother will forever be known for their reactions to the communal wine.  Suffice to say when grown wine won’t likely be a beverage of choice for either!  Which they proclaimed to all the adults within earshot.

Many people of other beliefs attended as well.  One wonderful couple who came from Albuquerque, members of the Jewish faith, participated in all and were moved to tears throughout.

Most of us shed tears of joy that day.

And I cannot imagine anyone there not feeling the depth of love.

I know it sounds corny.  But a deep, abiding love beat from the hearts of everyone around us, from those up at the alter to the incredible choirs (yes, two!), to the people sitting in the pews.

This was personal to the people involved in the ceremony.  They knew and loved one another.  They told each other such.  They meant it.

You couldn’t help but be enveloped by it.  You couldn’t help but be moved.  You couldn’t help but feel a connection to those around you, and be filled with hope in this uncertain world.

The next day, the new Bishop gave the message at Christ Church in Philadelphia.  And ah, what an incredible church this is!  Established in 1695, the building was completed in 1744.

Often referred to as “the Nation’s Church,” or “the Patriots’ Church,” Christ Church was frequently visited in the Revolutionary era by members of the Continental Congresses, Washington’s troops, and the Constitutional Convention.  On July 4, 1776, Christ Church publicly banished King George’s name from divine worship—an act as dangerous as signing the Declaration of Independence.

Seven signers of the Declaration are buried in the grounds of Christ Church, and it has counted as its members Benjamin Franklin, Betsy Ross, Andrew Hamilton, George Washington, and many more.

Oh, my.  You can just feel them there. Feel a sense of the Freedom for which they fought, the Hope in their hearts, the depth of what they believed in.  The very Liberty for which they struggled whispers on the winds.

The entire building fairly breathes history.

So, quite fitting the new Bishop would choose that church to give his first message after his consecration.

Because the other thing I know about Dan, is that respect and justice for all flows through his very veins.  That combined with the depth of love from which he operates, the alleviation of suffering is his life’s mission as well.

And fitting, his message that morning.  On the heels of the deaths of yet two more young African-American men at the hands of law enforcement, followed by the deaths of 5 police officers in Dallas, the hearts of this nation were again heavy.

So, what did the new Bishop say?  He focused on the idea that all people are created equal. That no matter our differences—how we worship, the color of our skins, the difference in gender, whether we’re straight or gay—when boiled down to our essence, we’re all humans.  We have the same needs, the same fears, the same desires.  We all bleed red.

We have the same needs, the same fears, the same desires. We all bleed red.

We all want, in the deepest recesses of our hearts, to be valued and loved.

His charge was for everyone to get involved, to make a difference in what was occurring in our world, in our small corners of it, to those around us.

Not to proselytize.  Not to judge.  But to lend a helping hand.  To be the solution.

It provided a profound end to a very poignant weekend.

And restored for all there our faith in the power of love.

Love is always more fierce than fear; always stronger than hate.  I may be Pollyanna, but I have a fairly good grasp on history.  And never have I seen the converse ultimately prevail, although sometimes in the midst, that may appear to be so.

So although this Bishop will always be Dan to me, what an enormous joy to watch him don his official robes, to see him grow into them before my very eyes.

And mainly, to provide more hope for the good he will do—not just for his denomination, but for this country as a whole, and thereby, the world.

I’m excited to see what Love will do.  The mountains that will be moved.

Love ya, my brother.

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Do You Know the Secret about Time?

Time has been a bugaboo for me for, well, quite some time.  I’m one of those who used to say often, “I don’t have enough time.”

Do you know the secret about time?

I might have said it yesterday too.

Haven’t you been there?  When you’re working so hard but despite your best efforts, enough hours in the day to get everything done just don’t seem to be in the cards?

We’ve all been there.

And whenever I get in that chasing-my-tail mode, and especially then get reminded of Einstein’s theory of space-time, well, I don’t know about you but it often just pisses me off.

Because, of course, you know—Einstein’s theory was that time doesn’t actually exist, and one consequence of that is that the past, present, and future are not absolutes.

All of this trouble, Einstein stirred up a century ago. And just this year, physicists say they’ve proved it.

Yikes!

So now what excuse do I have?

Okay, I agree—it’s really tough, even when we think said physicists know what they’re talking about, to believe there is no structural concept called time, when all the while we watch the hours and days and months and years go by.  When we see it in our mirrors (horrors! Or not J ).

But sometimes, don’t you just want to stop time?

Well, you can.

And you don’t even have to be a physicist to do it.

Because what I’ve found (I bet you’ve found it too) is when life seems to be just a chaotic roiling mass, and even the concept of time flitters by like fairy dust, there’s an antidote that works.

Every time.

To stop.  Just stop whatever I’m doing, and breathe.

Easier said than done, especially in the midst of insanity central.  I know that’s what you’re thinking, right?  I’ve thought it too.

But one thing I know for true, having been given the opportunity to learn this in many forms over the decades, is there is only the present moment.  There is only the now.  No matter how we choose to think of it, the past and future don’t actually exist.

Unless you’re Einstein and they all exist simultaneously.

But isn’t that saying the same thing?

We think in terms of Eternity being some place or space, somewhere “out there.”  And if you’re a follower of the major religions, indeed, some specific area exists where God resides.  And if you’re “good enough,” “redeemed enough,” “something” enough, you’ll get to go there too.

I’m not wanting to get into some sort of religious debate, and if you believe that, then good for you!

But honestly, it’s just that I don’t believe in those physical streets of gold.  Metaphorically? Absolutely!  But that’s a different topic.

And I do believe in the divine, but for me it’s about a universe that is right here, right now.  As it is in the next moment.  And the next.

The only way, for me at least, to understand and live with the concept of time, is to savor it—savor the moment at hand.  Because that’s just where I live.

And whenever I’m able to do that (and it is always my choice whether to or not to do something), time seems to simply slow.  I then find myself in the zone of whatever it is I’m doing, whether writing or editing or training dogs.

I find myself in the Zen of it.  Like baseball players speak of everything slowing to the point that the object coming at them looks like a basketball barely moving.

And then, at the crux of it, time—at least for the moment—actually stops.

This happens mostly for me when writing fiction, and I always come out of those episodes refreshed, feeling as though I gained back a few hours like a leap year of the mind.

It’s not a news flash that I’m a student of Joseph Campbell, and I love his ideas time and eternity and life:

“Eternity isn’t some later time. Eternity isn’t even a long time. Eternity has nothing to do with time. Eternity is that dimension of here and now that all thinking in temporal terms cuts off…. the experience of eternity right here and now, in all things, whether thought of as good or as evil, is the function of life.”

How do you deal with time?

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What if You’re Right where You’re Supposed to Be?

I tell ya, I’ve been the queen of self-doubt.  Seriously.  Which has made decision making, well, something of a challenge . . .

Amor Fati

For a good part of my life, I’d find myself somewhat paralyzed when faced with a major decision.  Because you know, rarely is a choice about either this or that.  Usually, five (maybe more!) paths line out before us, and which is the correct road to take?

Of course, sometimes a decision is about turning right or left.  And even then, I’d vacillate.  Because I pretty much always had a fear that I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t.

Worse, once a decision was made, I’d feel as though I made the wrong one.  That I shoulda zigged when I zagged . . .

Yikes!  That’s no way to live, is it?

Nope.

Trust me, it wasn’t much fun.

And yep, I’d also delved deeply into the whys of this.  And while this is helpful, here’s the rub: It doesn’t fix anything.

Just knowing why isn’t enough to change the behavior.

And to be completely honest, I’m not sure understanding the roots of it even matters, in the end.

Then it finally hit me: What matters is figuring out how to do things differently.

We see this a lot with the protagonists in books.  When faced with the call to adventure, our character will give a laundry list of why he can’t do whatever.  How he’s not the man for the job.  How she’s just not up to the task.

Keeps said protagonist safe, no?

As I once thought it would do for me (even though I wasn’t always aware of that motivation).

But staying in the safe zone is about fear, at its core.  And the characters in our books can’t stay there, or there would be no book!

I found that to be the same for my actual life—not deciding, which is a decision in and of itself, kept me from taking challenges and risks that were required to follow my dreams.

Hate when I realize those sorts of truths!

But love them too.  Because they kick me in the butt to go on.  Just as something or someone kicked that protagonist over the bridge from Act I to Act II, and the fictional story got going.

Deeper for me was the fear that I’d made the wrong choice.  This was so pervasive, that little enjoyment was to be found in whatever I did decide, because I had this gnawing doubt that the other would have been better . . . .

Now, that’s a recipe for insanity if ever I could devise one!

So what was a girl to do?

Yep, I’ve had lots of therapy.  Lol.  And it can be helpful.  But for me, the answers came through a deeper understanding via mythology, which is just the story of who we are, as humans.  The public dream, so to speak.

Because myths come from the very essence of what it is to be human.

In so many stories I found myself—reluctant to take whatever plunge.  And in those same stories I gleaned deeper insights into what it would mean if I did jump on for the ride.

It’s easy in hindsight to look back and go, well, I should have gone there instead of here; should have chosen that profession over this one; should have married the one I released back into the big wide sea.

But what if, just what if, life unfolded as it was supposed to?  What if by making the choices in the past, it’s led to today, and to where I am and most importantly, who I am, and had other choices been made, well, what if I wouldn’t be me?

What if that’s true?

How inspired was I when stumbling upon Nietzsche’s Amor Fati—the love of your fate.  In its essence, the term means that you look back on your life and say, this was worth living.  And it’s still worth living.  Over and again.

For me, anyway, this means that if you say no to anything in your life—past or present—you’ve just caused the whole thing to crumble.

So what if, just what if, you have done the right thing?  You have made the right choices?  Whether they look exactly right in this moment or not.

And what if, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing?

Doesn’t mean you can’t change it or make a different decision next time.  But what if every stepping stone has led you to where you are now?

Would that make a difference in how you saw your life today?  Would it make a difference about how you chose tomorrow?

It certainly has for me.

Now, I make a decision, stick to it, and be happy with what I’ve chosen.  I go with it, follow it.

Most importantly, don’t beat myself up for it.

And it’s made all the difference.

What if, just what if, the philosopher was right:

“My formula for human greatness is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not in the future, not in the past, not for all eternity. Not only to endure what is necessary, still less to conceal it — all idealism is falseness in the face of necessity — , but to love it…”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

 

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