Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 5

Trading Small Talk for Big Talk And A Meaningful Conversation

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This week we have the pleasure of a guest post from author Kathy Gottberg, from SMART living 365.com Enjoy!

Even though I am a writer by trade, I still like to talk. And although I believe that my writing represents my best form of communication, good conversation with interesting people is one of my greatest joys. Put me together in a room with people who are discussing new possibilities, transforming their part of the world, or passionately involved in subjects I find intriguing and you won’t be able to shut me up. On the flip side, invite me to a cocktail party where people are focused on what they look like, who they know, and what they own, and I have little to say. That or start a conversation with me and then stop the minute your cell phone rings to answer, and I’ll likely just walk away. Conversation often means different things to different people, but for me, big talk and meaningful conversations are what really matters.

​What do I mean by big talk? First it’s important to note that big talk isn’t talking big. A “big talker” who monopolizes the conversation with their accomplishments and acquisitions is arrogant. Instead, I take my definition from a story told by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks in his book, Five Wishes.

​Hendricks tells the story of going to a cocktail party to please his soon to be new wife, Kathlyn. Normally Hendricks did his best to avoid most social events. In this case, he went to the party to nurture his relationship. After a very brief time of meeting and greeting, he began exploring on his own the rooms of the home he was visiting. One room was a library stuffed full of rows of books and a roaring fire in an elaborate stone fireplace. Not until he approached the fire did he notice a man sitting in a chair in the corner of the room.

The man said, “Don’t like parties much do you?

“No, I actually don’t.”

“Me neither,” returned the man. “Hate the small talk.”

“I hate small talk too,” Hendricks quickly answered.

The man smiled and asked, “Wanna have some big talk?”

The resulting conversation led to not only a deep and meaningful evening, but a lifelong friendship as well. Even better, Hendricks used what he learned about himself during the conversation to go on to overcome many of the hurdles holding him back in life. Instead of the often-mindless entertainment that comes from small talk, big talk opens the door for new opportunity, transformation and more rewarding relationships.

So why don’t we do it all the time? A new and growing problem is technology. Sherry Turkle, Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at MIT, and author of the book Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age offers her advice. Turkle believes that while technology connects us by computer and phone in fantastic ways, it hinders real conversation. She explains, “We are too busy connecting to have conversations that count.” The conversations she believes are most advantageous are those where we give our full attention, allow ideas to develop, and open ourselves to be vulnerable. Those kinds of conversations foster intimacy, empathy, collaboration, and allow creativity to grow and thrive.

In other words, chatting on Facebook or texting back and forth might provide us with a form of connection, but it is not a conversation. In fact, a study done at the University of Essex in the UK shows that just putting a phone on the table during any form of get-together like lunch or a date, hinders conversation. When a cell phone is sitting nearby, conversations veer toward the more trivial and that lessons the empathetic connection between those present. Even worse, Turkle says, “Our phones offer us gifts as though from a benevolent genie: that we will never again be alone, that we can put our attention wherever we want it, that we can always be heard, that we can present ourselves as we wish to be seen, that we can avoid difficult confrontations, and that we never have to be bored.” Yes, but at what cost?

In many ways, our constant attention and focus on technology are little more than the latest version of small talk. Tweets, Facebook posts, Pinterest and many blog posts are similar to cocktail party banter that can sometimes be amusing—but easily forgettable within minutes. For example, people often accuse me of writing blog posts that are too long because they can take up to 15 minutes to read. Even those who enjoy digging deeper into subjects often prefer to watch a news story or documentary on YouTube or television than read a book or long article on the internet. Has our attention span become so condensed that no one has time for a big conversation or to thoroughly explore ideas that matter? I hope not.

Fortunately, some people realize the importance of a rewarding, meaningful and big conversation. One such organization is called, “The World Café.” With a book, website and international online resources, the organization works to promote and facilitate conversations that matter. By offering a simple and dialogic process for people to connect, cross-pollinate ideas, and access the collective intelligence between participants, The World Café does its best to encourage conversation. They recently celebrated over 20 years of transformative work.

What about the rest of us? Where can most of us reduce small talk and find conversations that matter? It’s critical to remember that a big conversation is our responsibility—both to start it and keep it headed in that direction. Here are eight suggestions:

Make the effort to get together with others in settings that encourage conversation.
Put your cell phone away and encourage others to do the same.Don’t run and grab the computer to either prove or make a point to others.Ask questions that dig deeper about things that matter to you.Spend at least as much time listening as you do speaking.Avoid interrupting or trying to one-up the last bit of information shared.Look people in the eye when talking.If the people you are talking to don’t want to follow you towards a meaningful conversation, find another group.

Of course, a major key to finding a big conversation that matters to any one of us is recognizing that we are all different with subjects we find important and worthy of discussing. Plus, like so many other things in life, it is always SMART to remember that quality conversations begin with intention and focus. Equally important is the awareness that we each craft meaningful conversations by the alchemy of people coming together with common interests and concerns, to connect, create and transform together. So, are you ready to include some big talk in your life today?

Kathy Gottberg has been a published author and writer for over 30 years. Kathy’s current passion is blogging at SMART Living 365.com where she shares ideas and experiences that lead to a happier, peaceful and more meaningful life. Her most recent work is entitled RightSizing * A SMART Living 365 Guide to Reinventing Retirement. Kathy lives in La Quinta, California with her husband Thom of 40 years and her dog Kloe. Ultimately, Kathy strives to live life fearlessly and full-out….and to remember, that each of us get to make it up!

The post Trading Small Talk for Big Talk And A Meaningful Conversation appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

When My Worlds Collide

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Do you have different personas?

I do. I’m a book editor, have a career as an author, and raise and show English Show Labradors as a hobby. And I do have somewhat different personas online and for marketing the editing side and author side.

But of course I’m the same person underneath it all J

And while there is some overlap as per editor and author (although not as much as you would think!), most of the time these are three different entities.

Sometimes, however, my separate worlds merge. And this just happened in the most delightful way.

I blogged a few weeks ago about letting go of worry, which was about my last baby boy puppy. And that out of the blue, the most perfect home came for him when I let go of the outcome.

Sometimes I post about political things, such as why we march.

Now and then, I post about a woman’s right to choose. It is an issue close to my heart.

It’s funny too—whenever the discussion comes up, pro-life folks go into detail about why they’re personally opposed to abortion. Why they wouldn’t have one. And I can understand and respect their thoughts and feelings. It is, in essence, a very personal decision.

But that’s the absolute rub here—it’s a personal decision. One based on beliefs, religion, health, and a host of other factors. It’s as personal a decision as any woman can ever make.

Where the decision must be left is with each woman and her doctor.

And that is the essence of choice.

If we as women don’t have sovereignty over our own bodies, we have no Civil Rights.

That I believe in a woman’s right to choose doesn’t make me pro-abortion. It means that at its core your decision whether to have one is yours to make—not mine.

I grew up in an era before Roe v. Wade. I know what it’s like to have limited options if an unplanned pregnancy occurred. I watched the girls who did get pregnant shamed to the hilt, or ferreted away as if they disappeared in the night, only to reappear all those months later as if nothing happened . . .

And then came R v. Wade, which was decided in 1973 by the US Supreme Court on the basis of privacy.

The Court ruled in a 7-2 decision written by Justice Harry Blackmun that the Texas statute violated Jane Roe’s constitutional right to privacy. The Court went on to say that the Constitution’s 1st, 4th, 9th, and 14th amendments protect a person’s “zone of privacy” against state laws, and cited precedent cases ruling that marriage, contraception, and child rearing are all covered in this “zone of privacy.”

Again, a woman has the right to choose what happens with her own body.

Of course, Texas wasn’t done. We live in the buckle of the bible belt, which wouldn’t be an issue if evangelicals didn’t hold fast to the idea that if you don’t believe the way they do, you’re going to hell.

In 2013, Texas HB 2 would have shut down dozens of clinics across the state. It mandated that abortions take place in ambulatory surgical centers, or min-hospitals, instead of regular clinics. Under the guise that this would protect women’s health.

It went all the way to the Supreme Court. In a 5-3 decision in June of 2016, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote a concurring majority opinion in Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt, issuing a scathing criticism of the anti-abortion activists’ arguments, which stated that these sort of provisions are necessary to keep women safe:

“[I]t is beyond rational belief that H.B. 2 could genuinely protect the health of women, and certain that the law ‘would simply make it more difficult for them to obtain abortions,’” Ginsburg wrote. “When a State severely limits access to safe and legal procedures, women in desperate circumstances may resort to unlicensed rogue practitioners ... at great risk to their health and safety.”

What does this have to do with puppies and my worlds coming together?

I’m getting there

How I Love to Ignore The Red Flags: My Latest Romance

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Because, well, I’m good at it!

My friends will tell you my love life has brought them countless hours of amusement.

And it’s nothing I try to do—honest!

But trouble tends to follow me in romance. Or, I follow it. And the process is always, well, interesting.

As a male friend from college is fond of asking, when I embark on another relationship, “What horrible is wrong with this one?”

I’ve run down the entire list of dysfunction. Sadly, all in different men!

In my youth, I practiced serial monogamy. I won’t mention how many times I’ve been engaged, but other than twice, when it got to the “I do” part, well, I didn’t. And I don’t regret the times I did say, “I do,” because I sure learned a lot!

So now that I’m, ahem, more mature, I never think of romance. There’re always men around, and I enjoy talking with them. Flirting. Having fun. But the idea of paring down to just one doesn’t hold much appeal these days. I mean, like you, I’m pretty danged busy, and have enough trouble finding time for my friends!

And nope, it’s not pathological—I don’t say or feel, “Never again!”

I just don’t think about it.

So imagine my surprise when a year or so ago, during a work-related thing, I met a man with whom I really hit it off. We had the best time! We laughed and joked and talked for hours on end.

We became instant BFFs.

Which should have been red flag # 1.

What surprised me the most, though, was that I was truly attracted to him. And he felt the same.

I mean, I’m not dead, but hadn’t felt such attraction in many years. Real life had been pretty intense—elderly and sick parents, and all that entailed, then dealing with their deaths and all the issues after that. More health scares with family and friends. Plus, an exacting career and business, and showing English Labradors, having puppies, well, my life was pretty danged nuts.

So, again, I just hadn’t thought about it.

Enter this man with whom I had so much in common!

And you know how that is—all is roses.

Red flag # 2!

But when you’re in that state, the entire flag parade of the United Nations can go by and you fail to see them . . .

So off things go with another long visit, and lots of phone conversations, and never did I get one whiff of things not being what they seemed.

Okay, that’s never the case, is it. We say we get blind-sided, but in retrospect, all those flags have been waving by us for quite some time.

And then . . .

So one day, he was taking me to lunch, and it was the first time I’d ridden in his truck. Outside was hot, hot, as only Texas summer can be, and he turned on the AC so I’d be cool, and then ran back in the building to get something.

Imagine my surprise . . . okay, that’s not a strong-enough word! Imagine my horror, as on the radio spouting his hate-speak is Rush Limbaugh.

Um . . .

Okay, anybody who knows me, knows I’m a pretty big Dem. Women’s issues are at the core of my being, and a woman’s right to choose is my signature issue. If we don’t have sovereignty over our own bodies, we have no civil rights.

In a nutshell, I’m one of those Femi-Nazis Rush is so fond of warning folks about.

I’m kinda the poster girl for that J

And, I don’t hide it. I don’t ram it down people’s throats, but it’s just part of my very being. I had mentioned bits and pieces in past conversations as they naturally came up.

Nothing was said to counter that.

But as Chris Rock says, “When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!”

So when from that radio came Rush bashing women, of course, my first thought was—this man just listens to that station for news and weather.

Lol!

One of my favorite tales in the world is the Bluebeard myth, where the handsome prince comes to court the youngest daughter (in myth-speak, the most naïve one), who keeps saying, “Why, his beard is not so blue . . .”

Of course she marries him despite her sisters’ warnings, and is given the keys to the entire castle and all of its rooms except one—into which she’s forbidden to go. And of course, that’s the one room she wants most to see, and finally gains entrance.

Where she finds all the skeletons of all his former wives . . .

So when this man gets back into the truck, I mention something quite innocuous about Limbaugh, to somehow absolve him of being a rule out.

Boy, did I ever get an earful!

For the next 40 minutes, on the meandering way to the restaurant, I was regaled with all the liberal horrors of the world, how “they” (I’m never really sure who “they” are) are all out to get us, how we’re going to be invaded (literally) and have to muster our guns (which Hillary is trying to take away from us) and be ready to defend ourselves against the invading hoards.

And that was just the opening salvo . . .

The horrors of Hillary and the virtues of Trump and how men would be men continued on until I could get the subject changed over lunch.

There was no reason to engage in this battle. By then, his beard glistened deeply blue . . .

At least at this point in my life’s journey, I’ve gone down similar roads enough to be done before the Zimbabwe flag meandered by!

And I did enjoy my lunch and fine glass of cabernet and we laughed the rest of the time and then I couldn’t get back into my own car fast enough. A clean get-a-way I did make!

I do have friends who believe differently from what I do. We agree to disagree. But I don’t live with them. Nor, are they my one and only friend, as a real boyfriend would be.

I also learned long ago that people are who they are, and spots don’t change. Whew. At least that’s not a road I have to go down to learn from again!

As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

That’s a philosophy I long ago took to heart.

So I laugh when I think of this. And it showed me something that surprised me then, and still surprises me today—you never know when someone’s going to come along and turn your head, no matter how long it’s been.

Isn’t life just the most fun journey ever!

What have you learned from romance?

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I Get So Worked Up And Forget To Let Go Of The Worry

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This has been a crazy few months for me. Along with all of the normal writing, blogging, editing, etc., as I’ve mentioned a time or two, I’ve had 13 Labrador puppies in my world.

And this is the time they go to new homes. It’s quite bittersweet, as I’ve hand-raised these babies for 9 weeks, and of course love them all. What fun we have had!

But it’s time for them to become parts of their new families, to go boldly into the world, which is always such a joy to see!

I’m keeping girls, so it’s also time for them to start becoming full-fledged members of our family.

The thing is of course, I don’t just toss these babies to their new homes J Each family takes a good bit of time to go over everything puppy-related. I’m on-call 24/7 for the first few weeks, and am a resource for life as well.

So, we’ve been a bit tired here. It’s a good tired, as they say, but tired nonetheless!

And I’ve needed glimpses of inspiration sometimes as well. Especially the last few weeks.

You know how that is? You’re on track, doing all the good, things are even bliss, but you need a little inspiration to get through some days.

And then the coolest thing happened. After I let go and trusted the Universe had my back, oh, did something magical occur.

I had one baby boy who wasn’t spoken for (he actually was originally spoken for, but the family dropped out because of an unexpected promotion and move across country), and the right home just hadn’t come.

I stress over this, if I’m not careful. These babies are so precious, and only go to the very best families in the world!

I’d had inquiries on him, but they just weren’t right.

And then as I worked through my process, dealing with frustration, letting go of outcomes, and finally trusting, truly trusting the divine within me again, I reached that state of peace. Of knowing that this would work out in the perfect manner.

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So then, in the exact right timing, with events I could never have orchestrated, the absolute coolest thing happened.

Not only did the precisely right call come, but a call from one of my true heroes. Yep, the family getting this special baby is one y’all all will know. I’ll ‘fess up once she says it’s okay.

But the point being, this is someone I admire and respect enormously, who has fought for issues near and dear to my heart, and even though initially defeated in her quest, she helped start a movement.

A movement I believe in to my core. And have helped work for as well (and when only my own new puppies remain, I’ll be diving in again with all four limbs!).

Imagine my sheer joy.

I’m able to put this precious boy into the hands of one of my heroes!

I almost don’t have words. Rare for me, I know. But I’m still in a state of unqualified awe.

Isn’t the timing of this Universe just amazing, if we let it flow in its own way, over its own course, without hindering and hampering with our doubts, our needing to control, wanting our own way no matter if it’s wrong.

If we just quit pushing that river uphill . . .

Or as Steve Maraboli said,

“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.”

I’m still amazed. And oh, so very grateful.

What’s opened up for you as you’ve let go and let god?

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How to Deal with Worry when the World Is a Mess

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We all know the clichés about worry, right?

You know: “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

– Leo F. Buscaglia

Or, one of my favs: “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

– Swedish Proverb

And a litany of similar bits of wisdom. They seem to be all the rage today.

But while we can understand this, even know it in our hearts, that doesn’t make dealing with worry any easier.

One thing people tend to agree on—no matter how diverse their political leanings—is that the world today is one big, fat mess. Just turn on the news to see the horrors occurring in real time, which seem to keep coming at lightning speed.

Yep, lots of issues in our biosphere today.

And that’s just the “outer” culture, which doesn’t even count the personal worries we all may have. And we all have issues we’re facing (or we’re not striving for a high-enough goal!).

I’ve just been through a season of this, and got tons of opportunities to work on worry. You know—the 3 AM wake-up call that seemed to arrive with precision. And one thing I know for true is that there are NO good thoughts at 3 AM.

So what’s the answer to how to stop worrying in such a world? What can we find to anchor our own domains, and thereby begin to move the collective one forward?

As cliché as this one sounds, the thing that kept me sane was staying in the present moment. I know—easier said than done as well. But asking 2 questions keeps me there.

First off: Do I have what I need right now, in this second/minute/hour/day?

I learned this one long ago, when as a starving artist, often the wolf truly was howling at my door. When the cupboard held precious little. When I didn’t know how I was going to pay the next month’s rent. But I had food for that day. Something to eat and a roof over my head.

By remembering that right now, right this second, I had all that I needed calmed me.

Second: Is there something I can do about the situation right now?

Or today? Or in the near future? So often it feels as though there is nothing we can do. But pretty much always, there is. We just have to be able to hear the guidance.

And it’s tough to hear the guidance in the midst of worry and panic.

So, Third: Trust.

I can say for true that when you trust in something higher than yourself, the burden is lifted, if just a hair. When I learned that the Universe did, indeed, have my back, my life changed.

All people have their own beliefs, so exactly what you believe isn’t the point here. But when you find that piece of the divine that you can trust, can bank on, using spiritual tools that resonate with you, life changes.

Fourth: Trust that divine spark within you.

Whether you believe it’s God speaking to you, or the gentle nudge of your intuition (or that it’s part and parcel of the same energy, in the end), we all have a guidance system that resides deeply within the heart.

I’ve never known mine to be fallible. Yep, times existed where I questioned said advice until I didn’t follow it, and boy, can I attest to that insanity!

But when I calm myself, breathe, meditate, hear clearly, the answer always comes. If that’s only the next step for me to take.

All of this speaks to getting quiet—however you get yourself into that place—calming the breath, calming the emotions, letting those stress hormones seep out no matter slowly, and listening, truly listening.

That’s when the next step appears, like a yellow shining road.

In all my life, I’ve never seen worry help one blessed thing.

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Because in the end, all those clichés about worry are actually true, no? In all my life, I’ve never seen worry help one blessed thing. It does rob you of the present, and of finding a way to go forward.

If 3 worries head toward you on the road, at least 2 of them really will fall into the ditch before they get to you. And the third most often disappears or morphs into something manageable.

One thing I learned through my own long worrying life, lol, is that I was using worry as a crutch to actually keep myself from going forward. I know, what a disgusting realization! Using worry as a defense is not a happy thing.

But by knowing that, I also learned to understand worry for what it is in my life.

Or as Abraham Hicks says: “The feeling of worry is an emotional indicator that if you keep beating this drum, you are using THAT as an excuse to slow down this thing that you want.”

And that helped me focus more than any other thing on what I want rather than what I fear.

How do you deal with worry?

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5 Ways to Deal with Frustration when You Want to Lose your Mind

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Because I sure know about losing my mind.

Let Me Be Frank With You

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I love books.

Okay, so that’s not a news flash. I’m a novelist primarily, but have had 4 books of co-authored nonfiction published along with 2 novels. I’m also a book editor.

So books are pretty much what I do.

But I write and edit and speak at literary conferences because, well, I love words and reading and stories and books.

Which is how I got into my professions in the first place.

And some authors, I simply can’t get enough of. Most of the time, these are brilliant authors whom few have heard of, except in Literary circles. You know—the kind the masses don’t read.

Thank God, however, those folks persist and craft exquisite novels with words that simply take my breath away.

One of those authors is Richard Ford. Yep—quite the household name! Only readers of Literary (and of course, folks within the industry) know who he is. Even though he’s published a litany of books (11) and short stories and even won a Pulitzer Prize. And was a NY Times bestselling author for Canada (which funny enough, was his most panned in reviews).

Still, to the masses (even those who read), blank stares respond to his name.

He’s brilliant. And a master. I’ve read everything he’s written, and love it all. But his Frank Bascombe series caught my very soul with the first book, The Sportswriter, decades ago. It was for the second in the series, Independence Day, that he won both the Pulitzer and the Pen/Faulkner Award (the only writer ever to win both for a single novel). Bet you thought that last title was in reference to a truly terrible apocalyptic film of the same name.

Originally there was to be a trilogy of Frank Bascombe books. So I cried when I finished The Lay of the Land, just not ready to give up on old Frank.

Full disclosure: Frank Bascombe isn’t for everybody. He’s not a renowned neurosurgeon. Nor the Captain of the Intergalactic Forces. He’s neither famous nor over the top in any way.

Frank is just an average guy. Husband, spouse, failed novelist. We go with him through the novels from being a sportswriter to a realtor and finally, retired.

Before the first book began, he’d suffered the unbearable sorrow—the loss of a child. And we travel with him through those first and second titles, watching the unraveling of his life, his marriage, and the impact on the entire family.

Doesn’t sound like a very promising premise, does it.

And Frank is a quite flawed man as well. Self-absorbed doesn’t begin to describe him. Narcissistic would be a compliment. Protean then often painfully honest.

I bet you’re really turned on by this story and character so far, no? Lol.

It’s the essence of fabulous fiction, by an elegant writer reaching the pinnacle of this game.

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But he’s all of us, muddling through. Trying to make sense of it all.

And the saving grace? He’s witty, acerbic, laconic, with the most beautiful insights ever to be seen.

Methinks he’s a lot of Richard Ford.

So imagine the surge of my heart when in 2014, another Frank Bascombe book arrived—Let Me Be Frank With You. I mean, this series was a trilogy, no?

But I think Ford feels the same as I do about old Frank—once he grabs you, he’s just nearly impossible to let go.

So, you know what I did? Ordered and read the first half of it. Savored every word. Ah, the exquisite prose in the hands of a writer at the very top of his game.

And then just could not finish it. Just could not. I know this is the last, the end, the finale. And I just haven’t been able to let that character go.

Until last weekend. All this time later, finally, I could not not finish it. Frank’s been calling me. Haunting me.

Why now? Who knows! Except maybe since I’ve been playing with this plethora of puppies, my mind has finally stilled.

And of course, it’s everything I knew it would be. Filled with Frank’s/Ford’s brilliance and insight and the prose, oh my god. No one today writes like Ford does.

And yep, it takes a true love for great writing to get him. Even folks I know who read Literary don’t get through his works (boring, one friend said). In today’s culture of things blowing up and blasting away and Grisham being king, well, “quiet” books don’t get read.

Pity that.

And I would imagine if you’re not used to being challenged by prose, challenged by a non-stereotypical character, forced to pause and truly think about what just happened or was said or thought, this would be a shocking jolt to the system.

But for me, it’s the essence of fabulous fiction, by an elegant writer reaching the pinnacle of this game.

Thank you, Richard Ford. Thank you, Frank Bascombe. You’ve given me some of the greatest pleasures, the deepest loves, the most breathtaking insights of my life.

Just thank you.

Because as Frank says, “Love isn’t a thing, after all, but an endless series of single acts.”

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Stop Holding Yourself Back

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Don’t we live in a world where success is just everything? All the motivational gurus, all the self-help books, all the talk shows and etc., etc. — all are espousing success and how to get there.

And God knows, I’m not advocating for failure. Although it can sure teach us a lot.

But so often what I hear from folks (and have asked myself at various junctures before) is, why am I not successful?

Have you ever asked yourself that question?

And we can go on and on about the reasons — fear of success/fear of failure. Feelings of unworthiness. Or a plethora of others.

And while yes, it’s a good thing to sort that all out, including the mundane points such as not having enough knowledge, being a novice, etc., something underlies all of these issues.

The thing that trips up most folks, most of the time, is that negative loop of self-criticism.

You know, remember the time you failed at whatever in second grade? Or that marriage that didn’t quite work out? Or when you grasped for the brass ring and came up holding air?

Yep, it happened. Whatever “it” was. And yep, you learned from it, no? Gained beneficial information, another piece of your puzzle, etc.

But how often do you remember the latter, and how often do you instead focus on the former failure?

This can be much more insidious than it seems. Because of course you’re not focused on the negative, are you? You know better than that, right? You concentrate on your strengths and let those grow, attending to the weaknesses too but keeping your successes front and center? Right?

Probably not.

It’s a funny conundrum — the mind can be a slimy thing. We think we’re doing all the good with our spiritual/psychological walks, but do this exercise:

On a piece of paper draw a line down the page. Put Positive Thoughts on one side, Negative Thoughts on the other. For one day, for every single thought you have, put a mark below one or the other.

No cheating — you can’t discount some thoughts as neutral. Because if you dig down deeper, the impetus is positive or negative. Even about having to stop at the grocery store for cat food on your way home.

The results are pretty much always startling.

The thing is, no matter how many mantras you recite, no matter how much meditation or spiritual/psychological reading you do, if those aren’t backed up by focused attention to what you want to have happen, by knowledge of your worthiness to attain those things, then you’re pissing in the wind.

Far more folks focus on what they don’t want to have happen.

I mean, that’s natural, no? Often we see or think things we don’t want. Either in the reality of here and now, or in the imagined future.

The trick is, and it’s simple, really, to focus on what you do want instead.

Although nobody said simple was easy!

I wish I knew the tipping point, the formula, for where success lies — the percentage of the time you need to concentrate on the wanted vs. the unwanted.

But I don’t think that number actually exists!

What I do know is that every single spiritual practice points to focusing on the desire, rather than the lack, as the key.

“. . . if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.” — the King James version of the Bible.

“Creators that create worlds are not trying to fix problems. Creators that create worlds are defining what is not wanted for a split second, and feeling what IS wanted for eternity.” –Abraham Hicks.

We could go on.

Because one thing we know is that focusing on what you do want, while letting go of what you don’t, brings forth ideas.

And that causes self-doubt to wane.

I’ve often been amazed by studying folks with deep religious convictions. Even if I think their beliefs are pretty goofy, they use that as a foundation for success. Because it’s not the nature of the belief that matters. Rather, it’s the depth of that belief.

And, even if they believe in a purple polka-dotted elephant in the sky, if they truly believe that’s God, their faith helps them climb mountains.

As Jesus said, “Your faith has made you whole.”

Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say: “You’ll see it when you believe it.”

All the focus, of course, being on the wanted rather than the unwanted.

The key is to simply keep focused on the desire.

Because successful people believe in themselves. Do they have self-doubts? Yep. But they play on their strengths more. Do they think they’re supposed to be successful? Yep. Do they know they have gaps in their knowledge or prowess? Yep. But they know they can circle back and pick up what they need.

And this, I know for true:

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” – Sylvia Plath

So how do you focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t?

The post Stop Holding Yourself Back appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

Disclaimer! This Is Not A Religious Post

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The Lenten season is upon us.

Although most folks don’t actually practice it. LifeWay Research found that only 24% of Americans engage in this period of fasting and moderation (even to the point of self-denial). Not only Catholics but other Protestant denominations observe it, however.

Disclaimer! This is not a religious post

Books, Publishing, and Political Correctness

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As we become increasingly more divided by so many seemingly different values in this country, publishing has been caught in the crosshairs.

Hate-mongers spout disgusting views, while on the other side, political correctness can be a muzzle on the truth.

And book publishing isn’t immune.

A Feb 15 Washington Post article, entitled, “Publishers are hiring ‘sensitivity readers’ to flag potentially offensive content,” explores how writers are employing these ‘sensitivity readers’ to check their portrayals of people from marginalized groups for accuracy, and for offense.

The ‘accuracy’ part is mandatory. But for offense?

I recently posted on FB a Publishers Weekly article condemning the upcoming publication of a book by a well-known hate-monger.

My concern about this book being published was not about banning books (as one NY editor blasted me for on FB), but rather, voicing my chagrin at S&S publishing and promoting a man who advocates for racism, sexism, misogyny, and even rape. Twitter permanently banned him for leading a wave of racist assaults targeting an African-American actress. He also played a key role in Gamergate, which repeatedly attacked female game developers with death threats, rape threats, and the leaking of women’s personal information.

Do I think he should be silenced? No.

But I do believe those views should be maligned for the hatred they espouse. And I’m deeply sorry at S&S’s choice to publish him.

We’re better than that.

What does this have to do with political correctness?

Back to the Post article.

The headline appeared to be about making sure no one got “offended” by the authors’ novels. Which is pretty much the definition of political correctness.

Full disclosure: I detest political correctness. Chiefly because you simply cannot legislate morality. Hasn’t worked since the dawning of mankind. And what almost always happens is that whatever ‘ism’ just goes underground, and comes out in more nefarious ways.

That said, I detest racism, misogyny, sexism, any of the isms, really. That sure speaks to who the person is practicing it.

But we’ll never get to true peace and inclusion by saying, “You can’t say that.” It’s hearts that have to change, and only then will words follow suit. Which won’t happen without the truth.

The idea that someone might take offense, however, and you need to change things about a novel to prevent that, chills my blood.

An artist’s job is to tell the truth, as he or she knows it. And a lot of the time, that truth isn’t pretty. But unless we face it, we can’t get better, no? Whether this pertains to a personal failing or a cultural one.

And in publishing, anyway, this isn’t exactly new.

In 1993 my first novel was published by a nice literary press. It came out subsequent to the same press’s publication in 1992 of Dulce Moore’s A Place in Mind. Her wonderful novel followed a family displaced by the Great Depression (which she lived). A PW review chastised the use of the word “dago” as a racial slur.

Now, mind you, this book took place during the Depression. It was how people talked. It was true for the time and place.

The worst thing we can ever do is white-wash the actual truth.

And I’m forever grateful that this publisher didn’t bow to the criticism.

Funny thing about that Post article too—the actual examples were about authors making sure they got things right. Not about “offending the sensibilities of readers.” Not one example was given for the latter. I can’t say if that’s happening—the article says it is. But they didn’t quote one author as saying that’s what he or she was doing.

And making sure you “get it right” is an entirely different issue.

Let me give you an objective example. And one without the emotional firepower of current cultural debate. Those are easier to see.

I’ve just finished my new novel, which takes place in a Texas vineyard and winery. Now, I’ve never grown wine grapes. My brother made wine when we were teenagers, but half the time it blew up in Mom’s kitchen. So that wasn’t much help!

So, I researched deeply. Took courses through Texas A&M on growing wine grapes. Talked at length with growers/vintners. I’ll be forever in debt to the wonderful Gary McKibben at The Red Caboose winery and vineyard for his tireless teachings.

He was oh-so important to me because his place is in the same county where my fictional vineyard is set. I did so because—I know that land. I’ve farmed and ranched it and grown many other things there. So what I needed was expertise about growing grapes right there.

The attention to getting the details right in fiction is paramount.

But the idea of changing things in order not to “offend” anyone is travesty.

I offend readers all the time. Someone is probably offended right here! I know because they tell me so.

We all don’t see the world in the same way. Now that’s not a news flash, no? Often someone’s deeply held belief offends the beliefs of another.

That’s why we have the first amendment to begin with.

An artist’s job is to tell the truth, as he or she knows it. And a lot of the time, that truth isn’t pretty.

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So, yes, there are times, as in the S&S book, where I’m offended.

On Monday S&S withdrew publication of the book, due to public outcry. Well, that and old videos that surfaced over the weekend of the author advocating for sex with minors.

Did I cheer? Yes.

But do I think the book should be banned? Again, a resounding no. There is a huge difference there.

He has the right to free speech. And he still has publishing options—whether another house picks him up or he self-publishes.

And we have the right to ostracize him for what he promotes.

Words have enormous power. But only when they truly back up what’s in our hearts. I might not like what you say, but I’ll defend your right to say it.

I’ll also speak up when something is a horror.

Where do you draw the line?

The post Books, Publishing, and Political Correctness appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.