Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 8

What Gen Z Really Believes: New Data Unpacks the Faith and Habits of a Shifting Generation

One of the most consequential surveys of American religion has recently released its latest raw data from 2024. The General Social Survey (GSS) is considered the gold standard among academics who study long-term trends in the United States. It includes robust sets of questions on a wide range of topics, including religion. This initial release doesn’t include all the variables I want to analyze (specifically, religious affiliation). Still, there’s more than enough here to give us a good sense of where we stand on other measures of religiosity.

Let’s start with how belief in God has changed over the last 36 years. Beginning in 1988, the GSS asked respondents to “choose which statement comes closest to expressing what you believe about God.” They are then given six possible options:

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How the Decline of Denominations Is Reshaping American Christianity: Lessons from the Southern Baptist Convention

For decades, denominations have experienced a slow-motion deterioration. The declines in any one year are subtle, but each year’s cumulative effects have become a serious problem. Why should we care? 

Some look at denominations like the folding divider walls in a large room—unnecessarily compartmentalizing believers into theological camps and keeping them from uniting for the mission of God. There is some truth to this perspective. However, there are far more benefits to denominations than detriments. While denominations can become too insular, they provide an institutional foundation that no single organization or network can.

Theological consistency and clarityAccountability for both pastors and churchesClergy benefits, such as health insurance and retirementTraining, development, ordination, and licensingFinancial resources for church revitalization and cross-cultural mission workSupport networks and fellowship groups

In short, both pastors and churches have a trusted contact to call for solutions to a wide range of questions and problems. Are denominations necessary for the kingdom of God to grow? No. Can they be good for the kingdom of God? Yes. 

Across the theological spectrum—from mainline to evangelical—denominations are shrinking. In this article, we look closely at the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), the largest Protestant denomination in the United States, as a case study in what’s happening, why it’s happening, and what comes next.

Denominations Reflect Their Churches

Denominations don’t exist apart from their churches. They reflect the churches within them. When there are more healthy churches than unhealthy churches in a denomination, it’s healthy. It’s unhealthy when there are more unhealthy churches than healthy churches in a denomination. The problem most denominational executives face is that there are typically far more unhealthy churches than healthy ones. They are forced into triage leadership rather than strategic leadership. 

When churches thrive, so do the networks that support them. When churches decline, those networks falter. For the SBC, the signs of struggle are everywhere: institutional downsizing, sex abuse scandals, weakening financial support systems, heated theological battles, and a shift away from evangelism as the central mission. But how big is the problem really?

The Scale of the Decline in the SBC

The first signs of trouble emerged in the early 2000s. I wrote in 2004 about the “striking plateau” of baptisms and the “inefficiencies” of our evangelism compared to previous eras. My father followed with another similar and more detailed report in 2005. These initial warnings were largely ignored, but the data and statistics were there. And the plateau we both saw became a precipitous decline.

According to research by Dr. Ryan Burge, the SBC has lost membership for 18 consecutive years. Membership peaked in the 2000s and has been on a steep slide ever since.

Some have commented, “we’re just cleaning up bloated membership roles,” but that’s not the case. It’s not a decline on paper. People are actually leaving. If “inactive” members are being removed from rolls, then the percentage of people who are “active” (attending weekly) should go up relative to the 2000s. Unfortunately, the opposite has occurred. 

Percent of SBC weekly attenders in 2024: 34%Percent of SBC weekly attenders in 2004: 37%

This decline isn’t from cleaning up inactive rolls. These are real people leaving the pews—and not coming back. Even though average weekly attendance has increased slightly since the pandemic low, it’s still over 30% below the peak and hasn’t recovered to 1980s levels.

SBC weekly worship attendance in 1991: 4.6 millionSBC weekly worship attendance peak (2009): 6.2 millionSBC weekly worship attendance in 2024: 4.3 million 

Perhaps the most sobering comparison is this: the membership losses the SBC has experienced in recent years are equivalent in size to entire mid-sized denominations. It’s not just a few churches closing; it’s a structural hemorrhage.

Evangelism: A Glimmer of Hope for the SBC

Baptisms are often seen as a marker of a church’s evangelistic health. In 2024, the SBC reported more baptisms than in 2019, the last full year before the COVID-19 pandemic. While this is a reason for optimism, it doesn’t erase the fact that the denomination still loses more members annually than it baptizes. Baptism numbers have dropped by more than 40% since the late 1990s and are 44% below the peak of the 1970s.

Is this recent growth in the last four years a genuine inflection point or merely a post-pandemic rebound? The answer remains unclear. One could surmise that a portion of the uptick in the previous few years was pent-up demand from pandemic church closures. What is clear is that the evangelistic engine that once fueled denominational growth is no longer firing on all cylinders. We have more churches and more money, but far less evangelistic energy. 

Aging and Generational Disconnect

Another challenge the SBC faces is its age profile. While not the oldest Protestant group, the SBC lags behind in reaching younger generations. Even denominations like the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), which has an older average membership, report more engagement from young adults. Again, consider this research by Dr. Ryan Burge.

The SBC has one of the smallest representations of the two youngest age categories (18-35 and 36-44). Now, let’s consider a few facts here.

The SBC grew in worship attendance from the 1980s to the early 2000s.At the same time, baptisms were declining rapidly. During this same period, the SBC was beginning to age quickly. 

What do we make of these data points? The SBC expanded in the 1980s and 1990s primarily through Baby Boomer transfers from other denominations, not new conversions, and it never truly captured the hearts of the generations that followed, including our own children. 

The Diagnosis of Decline

I’ve been surprised by the recent conclusion of some SBC leaders and commentators. Some of them claim that denominational decline is a kind of spiritual refinement, a purification process filtering out those who are not aligned. But that narrative sounds eerily similar to what mainline denominations said a generation ago as they experienced their own steep declines. When the desire to purify is greater than the desire to reach others, we’ve reached the point where the inward pull is greater than the outward call. 

I believe more is happening than a simple purification process. A convergence of factors is creating a downward pull on the SBC. 

Worship attendance frequency: People fade before they leave entirely. When weekly attenders start coming every other week, your attendance declines by half. Though it’s difficult to know the precise impact of declining attendance frequency in the SBC, I believe it has dramatically affected recent years’ declines.Scandals and theological infighting: What makes the headlines does influence the broader public. Some will claim the recent negative headlines are unfair. Others will say it’s been a long time coming, and the SBC is getting exactly what it deserves. Whatever your position, the benefits of staying no longer outweigh the costs of leaving. So, people are walking away.Large churches and future trends: Some of the largest SBC churches have either been kicked out (e.g., Saddleback) or disaffiliated (e.g., Elevation). While the SBC is a denomination of smaller churches, more people go to the largest churches. When the largest churches leave the SBC, their statistics go with them. These churches account for a substantial portion of overall worship attendance and baptism figures. 

In truth, declining worship attendance frequency, a string of sex abuse scandals, theological infighting, and the exit of prominent megachurches have converged and created an atmosphere not conducive to growth. So, what’s next?

The Continued Slow Deflation of the SBC

The SBC isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. And that’s the problem. Consider where you put your energy. You can work hard with good intentions on the wrong things. You can exhaust yourself in misdirected endeavors. The SBC expends a lot of energy (and financial resources) every year. Much of this work is done with good intentions by hard-working people. Perhaps the latest uptick in baptisms indicates that some of this work is beginning to pay off. I certainly hope so. The next three or four years will be revealing as to whether we’re seeing a true return to the focus of evangelism. 

What the statistics demonstrate right now is that the SBC is still in a multi-decade decline. The metaphor is apt: the SBC is not imploding—it’s deflating, like a balloon slowly losing air. I don’t expect an explosion. Just a slow fade as the air continues to leak. 

What’s happening in the SBC is not unique. Other denominations are experiencing similar trajectories. As institutional influence wanes, informal networks and local associations may offer some relational support, but they often lack the resources for widespread revitalization. The future may belong to regional bodies that can reassert denominational identity with strategic focus and missionary passion. Watch as state conventions in the SBC become more like mid-size and small denominations. If nothing changes, I expect more Cooperative Program funds will remain in the states and less will go to national entities. The funding pie is shrinking, and the fight over proportional pieces will only intensify. Meanwhile, non-denominational churches will continue to rise, and many existing SBC churches will quietly de-emphasize their denominational ties. 

The story of denominational decline is not just about numbers—it’s about mission drift, generational gaps, and misaligned priorities. If the SBC and other denominations are to experience renewal, it won’t come through institutional preservation but through a grassroots return to evangelism and discipleship. The question is not whether denominations will survive, but whether they will still matter. And that depends entirely on whether they can reclaim their purpose and passion for reaching people with the gospel. The decline of denominations is reshaping American Christianity. Whether that reshaping leads to renewal or continued erosion depends on how local churches respond.

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5 Reasons Many Church Leaders are Workaholics – and a First Step toward Addressing the Issue

I write this post as a confession and a request for prayer.

I’m a workaholic. I work in some capacity for three different organizations, and I preach or teach almost weekly in different places around North America. I’m busy.

At the age of 64, though, I’m evaluating my life. I want to serve well until the Lord calls me home, but I don’t want to wear out early. I need the Lord’s wisdom. My first step, though, is to be honest about why I—and perhaps you, too—lean toward workaholism.

I’m an idolater. Okay, so I’m getting the tough reason out of the way at the start. Separating “I’m working hard because I love God” from “I’m working hard because work is my God” isn’t always easy for me. When I find my value in my work (see the next point below), I’ve distanced my reason for being away from simply loving and honoring God. That’s idolatry.I sometimes find my value in what I accomplish. I suspect that tendency goes all the way back to kindergarten where I learned I would get affirmation if I did well in school. Having grown up in a chaotic home where such affirmation was unintentionally scarce, I looked for it elsewhere. Today, I sometimes find it in ministry.Ministry is about eternal matters. Frankly, the issue of workaholism has become more of an issue for me as I get older—simply because of the urgent nature of the gospel. What we do has eternal ramifications as we share the gospel with non-believers, disciple new believers, shepherd other believers, and plant healthy churches. It’s tough to take a break when so much is at stake.Ministry is itself non-ending. I admit that I could do a better job at scheduling and saying “no,” but the nature of ministry is that there is no stopping point. Always there are more people to reach, more sermons to prepare, more church members to guide, more weddings and funerals to come. To take a break seems (although it’s not the case) almost ungodly.I’m still learning to rest in God with silence and solitude. These combined disciplines are difficult for me, even though I’m a heavy-duty introvert. I have to be intentional about scheduling these times to simply sit still and be with God. In fact, I’ve written about my personal commitment this week regarding silence and solitude, and I invite you to join me.

Here’s my first step in tackling my workaholism at this point in my life: ask prayer warriors to pray intentionally for me that I will (1) work hard out of love for God and people; (2) work hard while also letting go of my need for achievement and recognition; and (3) hear again the Lord’s clear command that I must get physical rest to best experience spiritual rest in Him. Would you whisper that prayer for me today?

And, let us know if you’d like our Church Answers family to pray for you.

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Why Are the Number of Church Consultation Requests Increasing?

If I counted correctly, Church Answers has received 41 consultation requests from churches in 20 states in the past few months.

The churches represent 23 denominations, while the rest are non-denominational.

The congregations cover the continental United States: Missouri, California, North Carolina, Colorado, Georgia, Washington, South Carolina, Alabama, Wisconsin, Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indiana, New York, West Virginia, Florida, Connecticut, Louisiana, Texas, and Arizona. We are not surprised that North Carolina is our number one source of church clients. We are surprised that New York is number two.

We would be close to 50 states if we counted individual coaching of pastors.

We began in 1988 as Church Growth Visions. I did three consultations that year.

We then became the Rainer Group before we became Church Answers.

I would not be surprised if we are soon on a pace of 100 consultation requests a year, plus thousands of specific questions we answer each year. My best estimate is over 3,000 per year. We know that about 250,000 churches get information or resources from us every year.

What Explains the Surge?

It is easy for us to explain this surge. We can tell by the consultations we do and the questions we answer. Here are the five most common reasons we get when a pastor or other church leader requests a consultation:

“We are not reaching people any more. We used to count on transfer growth from other churches, but that has evaporated. And we were never very good at reaching lost people.”“COVID was a wake-up call. We lost 60 percent of our attendance in one year, and we have yet to recover.”“I think we have staff and lay leaders who aren’t on the same page, but we don’t know for sure.”“I don’t want to go the rest of my life playing church games;  we need to make a difference in our community, but we are just going through the motions.”“We can’t find a pastor. It’s never been this difficult in the past.”

Some form of these five comments explain nearly 80 percent of our consultation requests. And the number of requests continues to grow.

Our Response

Though we really can’t scale church consultations financially since most of them need a human touch, Church Answers has made a commitment to increase our efforts in this area. It may not make good business sense, but we believe it makes good Kingdom sense. Here is our response:

We will make ourselves available for church consultations more than ever. We currently have more consultants on staff than we’ve ever had. I, personally, will devote more of my time to church consultations.We will add to our consultants from our own certified church consultants. Hundreds of persons have become certified through us. For example, I received a consultation request today from a church in a Midwestern state. I will ask one of our certified consultants from that state to help us. We need more trained consultants to help us with the demand. Check our consultation certification here.We will utilize the digital world as much as possible, but we know an in-person consultation is most helpful. In the consultation request today, the pastor and I decided to go the hybrid path. We will send two consultants for two days on site, but we will do the rest digitally. His church could not afford it otherwise.We will ask unashamedly for churches and Christians to provide financial support to churches that need consultive help but can’t afford it. Please consider making a donation today to Now Go Network, our non-profit sister organization. We would greatly appreciate a one-time donation. We would appreciate even more a recurring donation. All of the donations go directly to help churches. No one is paid at Now Go Network. We are all volunteers. Here is the link to give.We will help your church. We hope to be able to help any church that needs help. Let us know if we can provide a consultation for your church. Contact us here.

Paul would commend churches to help one another. This admonition at 2 Corinthians 8:14 is but one example: “Right now you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it.”

Nothing is more beautiful than seeing members of the body of Christ, the local church, work together for the good of all.

And nothing is more beautiful than seeing churches help one another.

That is our vision at Church Answers.

Even more, that is our passion at Church Answers.

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“God Just Oozes Out of Them”: Markers of Spiritual Heroes

My parents were not Christians when I was growing up. Nor was anyone else in our family, to my knowledge. I became a Christian at age 13—a tumultuous age for teenage guys, whether or not they’re Christians. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I quickly longed for someone to show me how to be a strong believer in the world of teenage struggles in a non-believing home.

Consequently, I began to pay attention to how Christian men lived. I listened to how they prayed in Sunday school, in worship services, and at fellowship meals. I watched how they treated their families when they occasionally invited me to Sunday lunch at their homes. I paid attention when they spoke up in church business meetings (even though the business meetings themselves were incredibly boring, as I recall). If they invited me to visit church members and/or guests with them, I

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A 14-Day Marriage Challenge for Pastors and Church Leaders

Some marriages have big issues because they stopped doing the little things that make a difference. That’s why this 14-Day “Just Because” Challenge can have a great impact. It’s a simple exercise that has the potential to improve your marriage in big ways.

The challenge is to do something for your spouse every day for 14 days. Just because. No other reason than you want A BETTER US. No matter what condition your marriage is in, this challenge can help move it toward health.

Obviously, some marriages with deeper issues won’t be solved by merely thinking more sincerely about your spouse. This challenge is not intended to be a Band-Aid for a marriage that is in need of surgery. But it can jumpstart a new way of thinking about your spouse. If your marriage spark has gone out, it’s probably because you two allowed it to go out. With this challenge, you can rekindle and start fresh just because you love your spouse or want to love them again.

Accepting this “just because” challenge will require two things from you:

Desire: If you desire A BETTER US in your marriage, your marriage will improve. Without desire, even good marriages can begin to drift. Even great marriages can need to be refreshed and motivated from time to time. You’re not accepting this challenge to win a competition or get a recognition trophy, you’re doing it because you want to. You’re doing it for A BETTER US. 

Do Something: Desire is a good thing, but desire needs to motivate and translate into real action. So do something with the intent to delight—just because. There are no rules for what “Do Something” means; it’s just desire put into action.

With the intent to delight your spouse, you’d do best to follow a few rules:

Don’t use this challenge to send passive aggressive messages (“I got you this treadmill… just because.”)Don’t make this about what delights you. Keep the focus on your spouse.If you’re struggling for what to do, rely on simple gifts or written words.

Now if you’re dreading this challenge, it probably means it’s the perfect time to take it up. That dread could be a warning light for a course correction.

So what happens at the end of 14 days? Challenge completed and your marriage is strong and healthy? Nope. The challenge is just the beginning. Through the next 14 days, your desire muscle will get stronger, and your do-something muscle will be awakened. Giving, serving, and thinking of your spouse more deeply will transform your heart. Why not keep it up? It might not happen every day, but if you want A BETTER US, look to turning “delight” into a daily habit. Delight, surprise, and “I was just thinking about you” don’t need to be reserved for a few times a year when you go big (i.e. birthday, Valentine’s, anniversary). They’re about looking for opportunities to delight throughout the year. Just because!

 

This article is adapted from the A Better Us marriage study from Doug and Cathy Fields. Click here for a free download of the full first week of the study.

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Eight Unforced Errors Churches Make

An “unforced error” is a term borrowed from sports, especially tennis, meaning a mistake made due to one’s own lapse rather than being forced by an opponent. In everyday language, it refers to an avoidable mistake or misstep, typically resulting from a lack of attention or care rather than external pressure.

Church leaders make unforced errors. In fact, they are far more common than they need to be. Though a list of eight is far from exhaustive, it will give you an idea how we could improve our churches with just minimal effort and cost.

The time of worship services on the website is not correct. This unforced error tends to take place when a church makes a change in the time of the worship service, whether temporary or permanent. This past Easter a church in the panhandle of Florida changed its service time from 10:30 am to 10:00 am, but they did not make the change on the website. Guests who got the time from the website were met with a large sign in the front of the church that read, “Easter Services at 10:00 AM.” Unfortunately, they showed up at 10:15 or 10:20. They all left.Failure to have a parking lot greeter. The parking lot greeter does more than welcome people. That person keeps an eye on available parking spots. Do you know that most churches have more-than-adequate parking, but the guests don’t know where all the parking spots are? I have conducted many church consultations where I watched guests leave when they didn’t see an immediately available parking spot.The holy huddle. This error is one of the most frequent and one of the most egregious. Greeters have the role of welcoming people, but they often get into conversations among themselves as people pass by. “Holy huddle” is a misnomer, though. It should be called the cliquish huddle.Zero invitations. Almost eight out of ten unchurched persons will accept an invitation and come to church if you invite them and walk with them into the church facility. It’s simple and highly effective. But only one out of four churches have any type of encouragement or program to invite people. Check out the program called “Invite Your One” if you want an organized plan to invite people.Failure to remind people about digital giving. Digital giving is a major reason many churches are experiencing greater ongoing giving. Those members who give recurrently and digitally have become the core of church giving. The unforced error is that many churches fail to remind members, especially newer members, about this option.Failure to have a secret guest. It is incredibly easy to recruit a secret guest at least once a year. We have a free secret guest survey that was designed for this very purpose. Fresh eyes are essential to see our church the way those who are visiting us see it.Lack of guest-friendly signage and markers. Church members don’t need clear signage and markers because they know where to go. First-time guests need clear and well-placed signage. Most churches also need clear markers, such as signage or a welcome tent, to point to the entrances of the church.No focus on clean and well-supplied restrooms. Stores along interstates and other well-travel roads know that a clean restroom will attract customers. Unfortunately, churches do not think about the need to have well-maintained restrooms for both guests and members alike.

All eight of these unforced errors can be remedied easily. In fact, you could get a volunteer for each error. One person can make a big difference.

For many leaders, these issues may seem trite and mundane.

For many guests, it can be a determinative factor if they show up or return.

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Moving the Needle with Technology in a Regular-Sized Church

Some of the best advice I ever received for revitalizing a church is “Start where you are.” I can’t remember where I first heard that statement, but I want to affirm the echo of voices. When it comes to technology in your church, the same is true: Start where you are.

Many regular-sized churches lack technology resources and know-how. The main issue is not so much that they are not up to speed with what’s out there. Rather, the issue is that they often do not know where to start.

Here are a few ways that you can move the needle to improve technology in your church:

1. Diagnose the state of your tech situation. How bad is it? Perform some triage to determine what is working or not for your church. What is the shape of your website? Do you even have a website? What is the quality of your streaming videos? Do you have any traction with social media? What about the condition of the sound and lighting in your church? Start by becoming aware of the situation.

2. Harness what is working. There may be one aspect of your technology that is working well. Good. Build on that. If you have a good website, use that to drive people to your social media. If you have a healthy technology budget already, use those funds to beef up one of your weak areas of technology.

3. Look for what’s free. Not everyone has a large tech budget. Some churches have nothing budgeted for technology. So, start by taking advantage of what is free. My church started with the free version of productivity tools such as Trello and Google Workplace. We use the free version of the communication app Slack. We use Canva to help with our graphics needs. I use the free video editor on my laptop to create videos for our church. There are a lot of free tools that can be useful if you look for them and take the time to learn how to use them.

4. Ask for help. Don’t be shy. There are other churches and people in your community who are willing to share their expertise if you simply ask. We were blessed by a large church in the neighboring town who allowed their technology director to come to our church and give us a technology audit. He was very kind and very helpful. There are likely some who would be willing to help you if you simply asked. I highly encourage you to reach out to Churchteams, one of our partners at Church Answers. They love the church, and they know technology.

5. Set some achievable goals. You don’t have to hit a home run right away. A simple base hit may be the place to begin. So, set some achievable goals for your technology. Seek to have your staff on the same type of communication software by the end of the summer. Try to improve your worship center lighting in the next two years. Commit to having at least one quality social media post every week. Set short-term goals, then build from there.

6. Find a technology champion in your church. Too many church leaders are trying to do all of the work by themselves. You’ve likely heard that before. I feel your pain. I’m a regular pastor in a regular-sized church. In fact, I’m guilty of this flaw. I have been our website editor, our graphic designer, our video producer, our social media manager, and more for far too long. In recent months, I’ve been trying to equip others to do more of this work. One of the ways to do this is to find a champion (or champions) in your church who can help you with technology. Look for one or more people who can “own” an area of technology. Encourage and equip them, then wait to see what God will do.

There are a few ways that our church has made some progress with technology in our church. You may look at our church and discover some areas of technology that still need improvement. You’re right. We still have some work to do. However, we have moved the needle, and you can too. 

I’d love to hear what is working for you in your church. Leave a comment below!

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When Your Adult Children Leave the Church

“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Who hasn’t drawn strength from these Proverbial words? For many, they serve as a hope against the tide of secularism and cultural confusion. For others, they are a promise that reassures doubts about parental shortcomings.

But, most pastors and church leaders will admit they all know congregants for whom these words are a tough pill to swallow. Parents who “did everything right,” who raised their kids in a solid church environment, who were not hypocrites, and who, more than anything else, prayed regularly for their kids to serve God. And yet, those kids at some point, either in their teen, college, or adult years, walked away from church and have not returned.

It’s heartbreaking.

And more so if you are a pastor or church leader. There can be guilt: “What did we do wrong?” There can be shame: “We’ve failed God.” There can be questions: “Should I be in church leadership?” All these responses are sadly normal and often hard to get past.

Sure, there are cases of belligerent pastoral parents who took out ministry frustration at home: yelling, threatening, huffing, puffing, and everything short of blowing the house down. Everyone understands why kids in that environment would quit church as soon as they leave home, and possibly why they might reject God altogether.

Most cases are not like that, though. Many ministry homes are filled with love, laughter, and faithfulness. Many pastors do not subordinate the sheep under their own roof to others in the flock; their lambs are well-tended. Many pastors spend time praying with their kids, reading the Bible with them, taking them on fun family trips, and encouraging them along their personal journey. Yet, in spite of focused discipleship, some of them leave the church when they become adults. 

It’s important to remember not everyone who quits attending church—pastoral offspring or otherwise—intends to quit Christianity or reject God. For some, doubtless, quitting church is the same as those in Jesus’ day who “turned back and followed him no longer.” False conversions are real. “Not everyone who says Lord, Lord” is still in the Bible.

For others, though, quitting church is the best way they have found to deal with some of the incongruities they experienced in church. Never underestimate the ability of a pastor’s kid to pick up on political machinations from church members. Pastors’ kids can be acutely aware of people in their church who dislike their parents. And the performative pressure many pastors’ kids feel from church members or parental expectations doesn’t always erupt until after they’re grown. It takes some longer than others to resolve the Corinthian behavior prevalent across church life. 

If you’re the parent of an adult child who has left the church, and you are living with guilt or shame, here are a few thoughts that may encourage you.

The most important thing is maintaining a good relationship.

If your adult kid has left the church, the chances are high that they already know all the reasons to come back. You can beat that dead horse until the hide is gone, but it likely won’t help. Instead, focus on their present-day lives and avoid the temptation to baptize every conversation by referencing a Christian sportsperson, celebrity, or your latest devotional book. Show you can have a relationship on their terms, not yours.

Sometimes, a good relationship must follow a restored relationship. Perhaps there was a serious offense, emotional distance, or an unrealized mistake. Have honest, unvarnished conversations. Respond with humility. Repent where necessary. 

Seek to understand their perspective, even if you disagree with their decisions.

Over the last several years, a goodly number of adults I pastored when they were kids or teens have contacted me via social media about what they see as troubling hypocrisy in church leaders they knew back then. Because of it, or partially so, some have left the church; some have left the faith. 

“Well, you should just ignore all that…” is the worst way to reconnect them to church or the faith. Many have perspectives we can learn from and better understand not only them, but also their numerous friends who are in the same position for similar reasons. 

Sometimes, we might even learn something about ourselves.

Remember that your adult kids are God’s responsibility.

When our kids were young, dependent on us for food, shelter, and clothing, it generally followed that their spiritual growth was our responsibility. We were the ones “training them up.” We can’t blame deacons and elders if we made mistakes. 

But, when kids become adults, they are God’s responsibility. If they aren’t genuinely converted, clearly the Spirit needs to draw them. If they are converted and are either dealing with church trauma or fallen back into a life of sin, then the same Spirit must draw them. There may come a time when some tragedy opens the door for a bold conversation. Absent that or another open door, pray for the ministry of the Spirit to bring them home and rest patiently in his omniscient work.

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An Open Letter to a Pastor Unjustly Fired

Dear Pastor,

I wish I did not have to write this letter. I wish your story were an anomaly, a rare and isolated incident in the life of the church. Unfortunately, your experience is one of many, a tragic reminder of the pain that can arise from the very place meant to bring healing and hope.

Over the years, I have walked alongside many pastors. I’ve listened as they recounted the betrayal, confusion, and heartache they endured. These stories emerge from a common pattern, a series of events that many unjustly fired pastors seem to experience. Maybe your story is fresh; the shock is still settling. Maybe your story is in the past, but the memories ring hard like glass shattering on a hard floor. What happened?

It often begins innocently enough. Perhaps you made a decision that seemed prudent to you. Possibly it was a set of decisions. But something triggered a chain reaction with an individual or group in the church. You didn’t intend to raise their ire, but that’s what happened. You may not even know now exactly what it was then that ignited the whole situation.

While you were praying, leading, and serving, someone began sowing seeds of discontent. Power brokers talked behind the scenes. The elders or personnel committee started having secret meetings without you. While you continued shepherding, a quiet rebellion was brewing. Your selfless focus on ministry gave others a window of opportunity to leverage their energy against you.

Then came the accusations—seemingly out of nowhere. You were blindsided by things you knew weren’t true. The most sinister of these allegations began with the phrase, “People are saying.” You found yourself defending against vague and anonymous complaints, each more hurtful than the last.

You got called into an urgent meeting with almost no notice. Everyone there seemed prepared, but you had no idea what was happening. When you walked into the room, the cold expressions and closed body language hinted at a dark turn. The room was tense. These people claimed to be your friends yet couldn’t look you in the eye.

The moment of truth was anything but that. The power players repeated the vague and anonymous complaints. Perhaps you tried to defend yourself. Or maybe, in that moment, you knew. It was over. They demanded you resign because they didn’t have the courage to fire you. Cowards. A small severance and non-disclosure agreement was placed in front of you. The fight response kicked in, and you wanted to expose the lies. But you took what they offered, even as it felt like you were selling your silence to them. You faced the awful dilemma of choosing to feed your family or defend your reputation.

While a brief statement mentioned you didn’t have a moral failure, the rumor mill still churned out its own explanations, and none of them were kind. Your church family was left confused and hurt. Maybe a few people demanded answers, but they abandoned their efforts after the stonewalling produced nothing satisfactory. The most shocking part was how quickly most moved on while asking no questions. The silence of the majority cut deeper than any of the false accusations.

Your heart was heavy then, and, to some degree, it still is. The feelings of abandonment and betrayal remain. If this is your story, please know you are not alone. The pain is real, but so is your purpose. Maybe you’ve stepped away from ministry for a season. The trauma was just too much. Or maybe you’re plodding through a new assignment, the albatross of regret hanging heavy and weighing down your progress. Please know you are loved. You are valued. And there is hope ahead. I know. I’ve been there. Many years ago. And now I’m exactly where God wants me to be. You will get there too.

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