Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 8

What Pastors Should Wear While Preaching (Proper Church Dress Code)

Between the 4th and 6th centuries, early Christian ministers adopted distinctive attire, setting them apart from the people they shepherded. As long robe-like garments of the Roman and Greek Empires became less popular in civil life, the church retained the attire for clergy, which evolved into what we know today as vestments.

In many Christian traditions, clergy still wear liturgical garments. As a low-church Baptist, I have limited knowledge about the use and symbolism of Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, Eastern Orthodox, Methodist, and Episcopal vestments. However, in many of these churches, the expectations concerning clergy attire are clear. This article addresses the muddied perspectives of dress codes in evangelical churches.

How a pastor dresses is ultimately much less important than teaching sound doctrine and caring for the congregation. But people do notice what you wear. I’m personally into watches and dress shoes. These two hobbies affect my fashion decisions; my church obviously sees these choices when I preach. My Saturday night routine involves polishing shoes and picking a matching watch strap. I tend to dress up more than down.

But a couple of questions come to mind regarding the unwritten dress code of pastors. Should pastors dress up on Sunday since they are leaders? Or should they try to blend in with the congregation and be more relatable?

Dress up or blend in? If you dress up, you tend to be more formal than the typical church member. Since I minister in Southwest Florida, flip-flops are standard church attire. My polished leather shoes and tailored sport jacket stand out as dressier than most. Some pastors dress similarly to the typical church member and are not easily identifiable unless on the stage or behind the pulpit. Why does it matter?

Dressing up signals discipline, preparedness, and respect. Blending in signals relatability and approachability. Neither approach is wrong, but you can’t be both simultaneously. In fact, I suspect most pastors are choosing their Sunday outfits more intuitively than strategically. Or they grew up a certain way and retained the habit. Even if you give almost no thought to how you look on Sunday morning, you still send signals by how you dress.

Age and personality play a role. I enjoy the details of craftsmanship. Omega’s co-axial escapement is one of the most significant advancements in watchmaking in the last two hundred years. The Edward Green 888 last is the perfect blend of modern style and elegance—the finest of Northampton shoemaking. I enjoy wearing watches and dress shoes because they fit my personality. You should feel free to dress in a way that fits who you are.

Not only does personality affect style, but age does as well. There is a cringe factor when watching a pastor “try too hard” with fashion. The goal is often to appear far younger, but the attempt falls flat. Your wardrobe will naturally evolve with age—and perhaps your waistline. It’s ok to graduate from one style to the next as you get older.

Casual attire can be high status. Some sneakers are status symbols, much more so than bespoke oxfords. Forms of casual dress can be a sartorial flex. Just because you are wearing a hoodie and jeans does not mean you are dressing down to blend in, especially if the clothing articles are from limited production lines of desirable brands. Accessories such as fountain pens, briefcases, and even specific Bible editions can project high-status signals.

I have no problem with pastors making consumer choices. I am a free market capitalist, so if you want to spend money on an expensive fountain pen or a nice pair of sneakers, that’s your decision. You may intentionally spend less on a vehicle, for example, to spend more in another area. While I may spend more on a pair of dress shoes, someone who is an avid fly fisherman may pay the same amount for a top-of-the-line rod and reel.

Perhaps some of you believe this subject is trivial when considering the grand work of God’s kingdom. You are correct. But pastors do receive a lot of comments (both positive and negative) about their wardrobe choices. So, be wise about how you dress, but don’t be overly consumed with fashion. You may choose to blend in to be more approachable. Or you may choose to dress up to signal respectability and discipline. I can’t imagine wearing a hoodie to preach (or vestments for that matter), but I think it’s great if you do.

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Am I Too Lonely? A Free Self-Scoring Tool for Pastors and Church Leaders

Generally, pastors are content with their callings. A study by Ryan Burge noted that 83% of clergy felt happy at least four days a week, and 85% reported having life satisfaction almost daily. While this data was collected before the pandemic, there is little reason to believe that pastors are more dissatisfied as a professional group than any other. Additionally, the longer a pastor is in ministry, the higher the satisfaction rate.

But what about loneliness? It’s reasonable to propose that a pastor may be content with a calling but also feel lonely relationally. Research from Barna reveals the top two reasons pastors consider quitting are stress and loneliness. This same study demonstrated an increase in pastoral loneliness—from 42% of pastors saying they felt frequently or sometimes lonely in 2015 to 65% of pastors in 2023.

Everyone will feel lonely at times, but problems emerge when these feelings become more frequent and lead to social isolation. The American Psychological Association (APA) warns that social isolation is rising in the general population due to a convergence of factors.

A record number of people live alone.More than half the population is unmarried.Household size is decreasing as people have fewer children.Rates of volunteerism are down.Connections to religious groups are declining.

The problem among pastors (and others) is not feelings of loneliness, which we should expect to occur occasionally. The real issue is chronic loneliness, leading to social isolation. Frequent loneliness is linked to dissatisfaction with one’s family and community. In short, the longer you stay lonely, the more likely you are to be dissatisfied with life, pushing you further away from the people who can help you.

Factors Uniquely Affecting Pastoral Loneliness

Pastors struggle with loneliness for several reasons, many of which are inherent to the nature of ministry.

The Burden of Leadership. By design, the people you lead are not supposed to solve your problems. As a church leader, you are tasked with equipping others to solve their problems. Pastors are expected to lead and shepherd their congregations, which often means making difficult decisions, addressing conflicts, and carrying the spiritual and emotional weight of others. This responsibility can create a sense of isolation, as pastors may feel they have no one to turn to when they need guidance or support.

Lack of Close Friendships. Many pastors find it challenging to form deep friendships within their own church. While congregants may admire and respect their pastor, the dynamic of being both a spiritual leader and a friend can be complicated. Sharing personal struggles with church members can sometimes backfire, leading to breaches of trust or unrealistic expectations.

The Pressure to Appear Strong. There is an unspoken expectation that pastors must always have the answers and be spiritually strong. Many pastors fear that admitting struggles, doubts, or loneliness might be perceived as a failure in their calling. This pressure to maintain a façade of strength can push pastors into deeper isolation.

Confidentiality and Emotional Burdens. Pastors regularly counsel individuals who share deeply personal struggles, from marital problems to addictions, grief, and spiritual crises. However, they cannot openly share their own burdens or seek advice from their congregants due to confidentiality and professional boundaries. This creates a one-way relationship in which they listen to and carry the struggles of others but have few outlets to process their own emotions.

The Accumulation of Compassion Fatigue. Compassion fatigue is an excessive weariness due to the cumulative effect of caring for, listening to, and helping people with emotional and spiritual problems. The issue is more pervasive than most realize because pastors are the first spiritual responders in moments of crisis. They experience repeated exposure to deep and troubling matters. The result is detachment, leading to reduced compassion. Guilt then surfaces because of an inability to serve others, and a vicious cycle forms.

Unrealistic Expectations from Congregants. Churches often expect their pastor to be available 24/7, provide spiritual guidance, manage administrative tasks, preach inspiring sermons, and maintain a near-perfect personal and family life. These expectations can be overwhelming, leaving little room for personal relationships and rest.

Lack of Support from Peers. Unlike other professions where colleagues can share challenges and encouragement, many pastors do not have peers in their immediate church context. Unless they actively seek out pastor support groups or denominational networks, they may feel like they are facing their struggles alone.

Ministry Transitions and Isolation. Many pastors relocate for ministry opportunities, which can result in them being physically distant from long-time friends and family. Moving to a new town or congregation means starting over relationally, and sometimes the demands of ministry prevent them from forming strong social connections in their new location.

The Spiritual Weight of Ministry. Pastors are engaged in a spiritual battle, constantly praying for and guiding others in their faith journeys. This spiritual weight can sometimes lead to discouragement, especially when they do not see the fruit of their labor, experience church conflict, or feel spiritually drained.

Understanding and addressing pastoral loneliness is crucial, not just for the well-being of pastors but also for the health of the churches they serve. When pastors are supported and connected, they are better equipped to lead, love, and shepherd their congregations effectively.

Download a free PDF of the Pastoral Loneliness Self-Assessment Tool

If you’re looking for a safe place to ask church leadership questions, check out our membership at Church Answers, which includes access to Church Answers Central.

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Is Your Church High, Low, or Average Capacity? A Formula That Predicts Growth or Decline

How fast can the church adapt and change? Capacity involves ability. How capable is the church of moving forward? The Capacity Filter Formula is a simple way to gain a general understanding of your church’s ability to handle change. As you answer the three questions below, be as accurate in your numbers as possible. If your church is smaller, you may be able to put names to numbers. If your church is larger, do your best to make accurate estimates.

Answer the questions with numbers, not percentages.

How many people are active in your church? How many supportive leaders are in your church? How many malcontents are in your church?

Active people are ones who attend your church at least twice a month. Supporters are those who are not only active but also willing to champion your vision for

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Fifteen Unusual Hospital Visits Experienced by Pastors

Pastors visit church members and others in the hospital. It’s what pastors do. Most patients appreciate the ministry and efforts of these pastors.

But that doesn’t mean the pastors’ visits are uneventful. I turned to social media to learn about some of the unusual visits pastors have experienced. Here are my top fifteen submissions:

Amen and Die. One pastor prayed, and the church member died just as he said, “Amen.” That’s not all. This happened with three different members on three separate occasions—right at “Amen.” I’m glad I got his name on social media. He is not coming near me. Do I hear an “Amen”?Flying Bedpans. There was no further explanation, but it’s worthy of a high ranking.Nude Runner. Indecent exposure stories were common, but my favorite was the elderly woman who chased the pastor down the hallway. She was completely nude.Quiet Conversations. A family introduced the pastor to the patient when he arrived. The pastor had a pleasant conversation with the patient until one family member finally revealed that the patient was deceased.Jailbreak. An elderly patient asked the pastor to lean in so she could speak to him. As he complied, she grabbed his shirt and yelled, “Get me out of here! They are trying to kill me!”Bad Timing. One pastor learned the hard way that walking into the patient’s room with the doctor can really scare the patient.Bad Timing 2. Another pastor discovered it’s even worse to walk into the room with the local funeral home director.Bad Word Choice. A pastor told a patient, “See you on the other side,” right before surgery. He meant after the procedure, but the timing was less than ideal.Bad Word Choice 2. A pastor walked in while the patient’s daughter and wife were telling the doctor to unplug the patient, saying, “He wouldn’t want to live like this.” The doctor responded, “He will recover just fine, and he can hear you.”Too Much Company. A pastor’s visit turned awkward when the patient’s two current girlfriends showed up, followed by an ex-girlfriend and an ex-wife.Missing Starbucks. A heavily sedated patient insisted that the pastor was her barista and became agitated when he didn’t have her latte.Know When to Fold Them. A pastor closed his eyes to pray for an accident victim. Unknowingly, he grabbed the rail and pushed the button that folded the patient in half.Emergency Call. A patient called the church office, requesting an immediate visit. When the staff member arrived, it turned out the patient just needed help cutting her hamburger steak.Only One-Half? The student pastor was sent to visit a church member in the hospital. The family introduced him as a “half pastor.”Wrong Guest. A pastor began speaking to another guest in the patient’s room. When he asked where she attended church, she gave the name of his own church. Of course, he had never seen her before.

So many great stories! I’ll probably need to do a part two at some point.

In the meantime, let me hear your hospital visit stories!

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When Ministry Unexpectedly Hurts

I’ve been there.

Ministry sometimes feels like a slap in the face, often when you least expect it to happen.

A good friend turns against you.Somebody with more authority makes a decision that affects you negatively.Another leader misinterprets your actions and accuses you of wrong.One harsh word from another overshadows any good words you’ve heard the same day.Someone you led to the Lord tells you he’s walking away from his faith.

Sometimes doing God’s will still hurts.

What do you do when that happens?

Take your pain to the Lord. The psalmist is helpful to me here when he expresses his grief to God, as in Psalm 31: “Be gracious to me, Lord, because I am in distress; my eyes are worn out from frustration—my whole being as well. Indeed, my life is consumed with grief and my years with groaning; my strength has failed because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away” (Psalm 31:9-10). It’s okay to cry out to God from a wounded soul.Remember your calling. I’m so grateful my call to preach was distinct and undeniable for me—so much so that I’ve never been able to shake it. I’ve needed that clarity more than once when I wanted to run in the other direction.Push past the bad to see the good—look for the glimpses of God’s work in your life. Don’t let the present-tense pain cause you to miss the past-tense and present-tense evidence of God’s grace toward you. Seeing just one good act of God can soften the pain of the bad; a glimpse of God’s glory can go a long way toward healing.Recognize that you’re working with sinners. In fact, you’re one, too. It’s usually the case that both of us still have room for growth, and neither of us is perfect. Many folks we shepherd have never really been discipled, and they are still childlike/selfish. Sinful people still act like sinners—but clinging to that truth can help you let go of the pain they cause.Realize that today’s pain often becomes tomorrow’s memory. That is, you may have experienced pain in the past that you thought would never go away—but it did. You felt like you’d always be hurting, always be frustrated—but that didn’t happen. Somehow, God brought you through it in the past—and He will do the same today.Consider confronting someone if needed, but do it prayerfully and lovingly. Don’t let someone else’s actions lead to your own sin. Take your pain to God first (see #1 above), rest in His presence first, and then confront another under the leadership of the Spirit. Model Christlikeness in all your thoughts and actions. Even if others don’t always do the same, you need to show them something different.Trust the sovereign hand of God. As I look back over 44 years of ministry, I remember a number of times when the pain of leading God’s people was real—including some times when “throwing in the towel” seemed to be a viable option. At the same time, though, I simply cannot recall any of those times when God did not use it to grow me in Christ. His purpose was always, always, always greater than my pain. I just needed to remember that truth in the moment. Perhaps you do, too.

As I’ve written these words, I’ve also prayed for any Church Answers readers who might be in the middle of pain right now. Know that you’re not alone.

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Why You Can’t Manufacture Discipleship (And What Church Leaders Can Do)

One of the most frequently asked questions in the church is, “What is God’s will for my life?”

Generally, people ask that question when they have reached a specific decision point in their lives. They need to know whether to move, get married, stay single, change jobs, or stay where they are. It’s wonderful when people want to know what God wants them to do. To be sure, God cares very much about the answers to these specific questions.

At the same time, though, the general answer to the question of God’s will has already been answered. His will for every Christian is the same—for each believer to become like Jesus. Consider Ephesians 1:3-4. 

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

As church leaders, we can confidently tell anyone in the congregation that this is what God wants for them—His will is for their discipleship. But even as we say that, we must recognize that discipleship isn’t something we can manufacture. Despite our efforts, intentions, and programs, the process of a person being conformed to the image of Jesus is not something we can accomplish. That work belongs to the Holy Spirit and Him alone:

So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

This is an essential realization for us as church leaders. What we can’t do is the actual work of transformation. Are we able to look inside a person? Are we able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart? Are we able to change desires, tastes, and behaviors? If we think we can, we are destined to live with frustration and failure. Not only that, but our misplaced efforts also rob the Lord of His glory.

But the realization of our limitations shouldn’t make us passive. Just because we can’t do the work of transformation does not mean we can’t do anything. It might be helpful to think of it in terms of farming.

Can a farmer make it rain? Or make the sun shine? Or ensure that both occur in the right proportion at the right time? Of course not. Yet, the farmer is responsible for many other things. In other words, he is responsible for preparing the conditions he can control in advance for what he cannot.

This is what we can achieve in discipleship. We can create the right conditions, and we do that in various ways. We accomplish it through teaching, connecting people, providing resources, and empowering other leaders. All these actions aim to establish the proper environment. It’s all we can do.

In a sense, everything we do to create the right conditions represents acts of faith. We believe that God will carry out the work of discipleship transformation, and as a reflection of that belief, we establish those conditions. Then, we trust.

Rooted Network wants to help you set the right conditions. Hundreds of churches are understanding how the Rooted experience can not only help people learn the core rhythms of discipleship, but also experience them in the life of the church. To find out more, visit experiencerooted.com/churchanswers .

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Family First, Church Always: The Joy of Serving Together

Prioritize your family. Never stop serving the church. These two ideas are not at odds. My family is my primary ministry. They matter more to me than any local church. For that reason, I hope my family thrives in our church. One effective way I can nurture that love and growth in my family, especially with my kids, is by involving them in ministry.

The Lord has blessed my wife and me with three sons. They love our church family, and our church loves them. I’m genuinely grateful. Regarding the church, I hope my kids will love others well and feel loved in return. It’s a joy to have my kids involved in my life and our church community. Here are a few ways I strive to maintain that joy:

Encourage them to find a place to serve. I want every young person in our church, including my sons, to discover a role in service. I hope they will embrace this role and serve Jesus faithfully. Admittedly, service manifests itself differently in children depending on their age, personality, and other factors. Nevertheless, I hope my sons will always contribute to the church.Take them with me on trips and speaking engagements. My life involves a lot of travel. Whenever I go out of town, I always try to take one of my family members along. Not only does it help keep me accountable, but it also allows me to spend time with those I love the most. My wife always joins me at our denomination’s annual meeting. My oldest son usually travels with me for two or three-day trips. My younger sons may accompany me to one-day speaking engagements. My boys often mention how much they enjoy these times together, and I’m so glad the opportunity is there.Explain certain aspects of my job. Church leaders’ kids witness many events in the church that other children don’t experience. It’s inevitable. Therefore, instead of having them feel confused or frustrated, I strive to clarify why certain things are happening. I want them to understand why Dad might have more evening meetings than usual. I want them to know why a specific person no longer attends our church. I explain how my job differs from other jobs. I don’t share everything about the church with my kids. However, I do try to keep them informed to a certain extent.Surround them with godly individuals in our church. One of the beautiful realities of the church is that we are a family who helps each other improve. The people in our church help guide my journey as a Christian, and by God’s grace, I also support their growth. The same goes for my children. The church assists my kids in their walk with Jesus. Thus, I involve my sons in my ministry by surrounding them with those who will help them become better men of God.Elevate joy and laughter. Having fun is always preferable to the alternative. We have a very lively household. Humor and playfulness are significant aspects of our lives. Therefore, we carry that humor and playfulness to church as well. We laugh, we play, and we relish being with others who enjoy laughter and play. Of course, there’s a time to be serious and solemn. I teach this to my children as well. However, I would fail my children if they came to see church and ministry as dull and boring. May it never be so.Talk about them in my preaching and teaching. My kids usually enjoy it when I mention them, but that may not always be the case. I also know each kid is unique, so I use discernment. When I am in doubt about whether something I say will bother my kids, I ask them ahead of time. Mentioning my kids in my preaching seems to connect the church with my family.

These are a few ways that I seek to involve my kids in my ministry. What has worked for you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

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The Call to Lead: Discerning God’s Voice in Your Leadership Journey

1. Recognizing the Call: How Does God Speak?

When we talk about calling in the Bible, we see it in two ways: specific callings and general callings. God called individuals for distinct purposes—Noah to build an ark, Moses to lead Israel out of slavery, Paul to preach the gospel to the Gentiles. These were unique, undeniable moments where God directed their lives in a clear, powerful way. But alongside these specific callings, there is also a general calling that applies to all believers. Jesus commissioned His followers to “go and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19)—a call that isn’t reserved for just a select few but for every Christian, regardless of their role or position.

Yet, sometimes we overcomplicate calling. We wait for a Gideon and the fleece moment, expecting God to show up in a miraculous way before we say “yes” to leading a Bible study, mentoring someone younger in the faith, or even signing up to volunteer. But calling doesn’t always come with a burning bush or an angelic visit. More often, God leads us through our gifts, burdens, opportunities, and even simple obedience in the small things. Leadership, prayer, administration, teaching, counseling—all of these can be callings that God places in our lives for the sake of His kingdom. The question isn’t always “Has God called me?” but rather, “Am I paying attention to where He’s already leading?”

2. Overcoming Doubt and Fear in Leadership

What if I fail? Am I qualified? Do I need specific training? What if I accidentally say something heretical? Am I even allowed to do this? I have asked all of these questions at some point or another. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by our shortcomings or paralyzed by the fear of getting it wrong. When I think back to my first years in ministry at 18, I cringe at some of the things I taught—I have to pray all over again for God to cover and correct my ignorance and youthful fervor. But here’s the thing: God’s grace is bigger than our inexperience.

Do we need to approach new roles with caution and wisdom? Absolutely. But more often than not, our struggle isn’t being reckless—it’s being stuck. We camp out in “I’ll pray about it” when what we really need is “Yes, and help me, Lord.” We don’t like stepping into spaces where we feel weak, unprepared, or exposed. But that is exactly where growth—and more importantly, faith—happen. You will disappoint people. You will make mistakes. But you will also see your God-given strengths in a new light, grow to appreciate the people around you who make you better, and learn to adapt to new challenges. The goal isn’t to lead perfectly—it’s to lead faithfully.

3. Seeking Wise Counsel and Spiritual Discernment

Stepping into a calling isn’t meant to be a solo endeavor. We need people—mentors, pastors, wise friends—who will challenge, encourage, and sharpen us. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is assuming we have to figure everything out alone. Even Paul, who had a direct encounter with Jesus, spent years learning from other believers and being discipled before stepping fully into his ministry. Priscilla and Aquila pulled Apollos aside and “explained the way of God more accurately” (Acts 18:26)—not to discourage him, but to equip him. Seeking wise counsel doesn’t mean you’re unqualified; it means you’re teachable. And that posture of humility is what will sustain you in the long run. If you’re wrestling with a decision, don’t just sit in isolation. Pray, seek wisdom, and be open to correction. Your calling will become clearer in the process, and you’ll be stronger because of it.

4. Walking in Obedience: Taking the Next Step

Stepping into a calling isn’t meant to be a solo endeavor. We need people—mentors, pastors, wise friends—who will challenge, encourage, and sharpen us. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is assuming we have to figure everything out alone, as if calling is something we’re meant to navigate in isolation. But the reality is, growth happens in community. We aren’t meant to do this alone, and we don’t have to.

In every season of ministry, God has placed people around me with different stories and experiences that I have leaned on for help, wisdom, guidance, and prayer. Sometimes, it looked like a mentor—someone ahead of me in life and leadership—who gave me a glimpse of what faithfulness could look like a decade down the road. Other times, it was a peer, walking alongside me in the same struggles, reminding me I wasn’t alone. And then there were the surprising ones—the people totally opposite from me in personality, leadership style, and approach—who gave me wisdom I never would have considered on my own. Their ability to slow down and see situations from a different angle helped me grow in self-awareness and wisdom in ways I never expected.

Seeking wise counsel doesn’t mean you’re unqualified; it means you’re teachable. And that posture of humility is what will sustain you in the long run. If you’re wrestling with a decision, don’t sit in isolation. Ask questions. Listen well. Be open to correction. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just need the willingness to learn. Your calling will become clearer in the process, and you’ll be stronger because of it.

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The Long-Term Impact of COVID-19 on Worship Attendance (The Real Numbers!)

It’s staggering to consider, but it has been five years since COVID-19 became a global pandemic. The virus was first identified in the United States in late January 2020, and by March of that same year, every state had implemented some measures to restrict gatherings in person. Easter Sunday fell on April 20th of that year, and it’s fair to say that fewer people were in church that day than on Easter in the last hundred years.

Pastors and churches were divided over a wide variety of approaches to the pandemic. Some were very public in defiance of government rules and continued to meet without interruption, even in the first half of 2020. Others ceased meeting in person for months or even years after the onset of the pandemic. However, many churches did something in between—requiring masks, limiting total attendance to allow for social distancing, or adding an online component

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Predators, Wolves, and Recognizing Where Abuse Begins in Churches

There is a difference between a predator and a wolf. A predator may come from anywhere. But the Bible gives a special warning about wolves—namely, church leaders who look the part but are dangerous. Matthew records this warning from Jesus: “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.”

Wolves are inclined to do as much damage to the church as possible. The carnage may come in the form of false teaching or bad doctrine. But it can also take the form of abuse. Wolves are “disguised as harmless” and often go undetected. How can you recognize them? Look for the fruit—watch the way they act. Do they exhibit entitlement, superiority, duplicity, justification, and manipulation?

Recognizing Where Abuse Begins

Abuse originates in how victimizers view others. At some level they believe other people exist to fulfill their desires. People who take advantage of others place themselves at the center and try to control the orbits of vulnerable people around them. Victimizers are not necessarily brash or overpowering. They may be sensitive, subdued, and even charming. Many abusers have likable personalities. So what are some warning signs to watch for?

Entitlement: “I deserve your attention.” When abusers fail to get someone’s attention, they will penalize the other person through aggressive tactics such as yelling, name-calling, throwing objects, or worse. They believe their time is more valuable than someone else’s. This mindset creates agitation when they don’t receive the time and attention they desire or think they deserve.

Superiority: “I am always right.” Abusers believe their feelings and opinions are more important than someone else’s. And may manipulate, coerce, or demand others to see things the same way. You rarely hear abusers admit to being wrong, and they offer insincere apologies, if any at all. It’s always “I’m sorry, but . . . I’m sorry if . . . I’m sorry, however . . .” Such statements aren’t apologies; they are posturing to assert superiority over someone else.

Duplicity: “I do not need to follow the rules.” When abusers have formal authority, they create rules for their subordinates but not themselves. They enforce standards on everyone else to make themselves feel superior. For example, a senior pastor might require a camera in everyone’s office but his own. Or he may mandate computer tracking software for other staff members but not himself.

Justification: “My anger is warranted.” There are times when it’s appropriate to be angry. In the face of injustice, unfairness, or duplicity. But abusers don’t get angry when someone else experiences injustice. Instead, their rage comes to a boil when their own desires, demands, or expectations are unmet. It’s a selfish form of anger. Often, abusers have “lonely anger,” meaning no one else shares their feelings. As such, victimizers feel the need to justify their anger. They force people to agree with them to validate their own feelings.

Manipulation: “Your questions attack me.” Gaslighting is a classic method of manipulation that attempts to make other people doubt their own perceptions or experiences in favor of the abuser’s perspective. The goal of gaslighting is to gain power and control over someone else. When questioned, victimizers often use gaslighting to get others to doubt themselves.

Most people, myself included, have used one or more of these tactics at one time or another. We’re sinners, after all. So don’t play gotcha games with people. We all have bad moments, days, or weeks, and at times we may resort to some of these negative behaviors. But a regular pattern of behavior that includes several of these warning signs in someone should raise concerns. Does a discernable pattern mean someone is an abuser? No, but we should be cautious, especially if the person is around vulnerable people in the church.

Suspected Abusers and Safe Church Training

What should we do about suspected abusers? One of the most difficult aspects of church safety involves people we suspect have the potential to harm someone but who have not acted out yet. Obviously, we shouldn’t be overly suspicious or wrongly accuse someone. Spreading mistrust without supporting facts is not helpful and can cause much damage. However, neglecting certain signs that raise suspicions is equally as dangerous. More than 90 percent of victims under the age of eighteen know their abuser. Is it possible that a disheveled stranger will dash into your church and snatch a child? It’s a possibility, but not likely. Almost every case of abuse in churches occurs after bonds of trust have been formed over time. Predators use trust as a tactic as much as brute force. As with any sin issue, pastors and church leaders should talk to an individual if suspicions arise. It is better to have an awkward conversation and maintain a safe environment than dismiss suspicions and experience a tragedy.

Safe Church Training is an on-demand, video-based training guide that can be used in individual ministries or with the entire church. A first-of-its-kind, comprehensive resource to equip your ministries to be a safe environment for children, students, and anyone who attends your church. With this simple-to-use resource, your church can create a safe environment where disciples of all ages are equipped to fulfill God’s calling in their lives.

This article was adapted from Make My Church Safe, published by Tyndale House.

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