Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 9

7 Reasons Even Pastors Don’t Pray like We Should

I wish I could say that every local church pastor is a great prayer warrior—but multiple studies over the years have shown that’s not the case. Even those of us who lead congregations sometimes struggle with staying on our knees. Here are some reasons why:

Few of us have prayer warrior role models. I have had three of them over the years, but I realize I’m incredibly blessed by these men in my life. Most pastors I know can’t point to someone who’s modeled a strong prayer life for them.Most churches tell members to pray, but they don’t teach them to pray. In fact, we’re guilty of making that mistake with most spiritual disciplines. When we only tell members what to do without teaching them to do it, we set them up for failure. Many pastors, if we’re honest, must admit that even we have not received much prayer training (as the next item in this list will also show).  Our seminary training often included little attention to prayer. In my own training, I did not take a single class that focused on prayer. More seminaries today at least offer a class that addresses prayer, but the attention given to this critical discipline is often still too surface level.We tend to be “do-ers” before we are “pray-ers.” Few of us quickly and readily do what Jesus did when needs were in front of Him: “vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer” (Luke 5:15-16). Too many of us would have done ministry first, then prayed second.We’ve learned to pray reactively to a need more than pray proactively because of relationship. We respond with prayer when we learn of a need; we’re less likely to turn to God simply because we want to relate to Him. Our prayer is often more ritualistic than relational—and that approach limits our praying.We can do far too much ministry in our own power. We may not want to admit it—and we would seldom verbalize it—but we can go through the motions of ministry, do the work we’re paid to do, and even at times see some ministry “success” without praying much. Our ability to do ministry sometimes gets in the way of our praying.We’re not inclined to tell others that we struggle. After all, we’re supposed to be the church’s spiritual leader, modeling all that it means to follow Christ. Not only do we often have no one with whom we share our struggles, but we also struggle with admitting this deficiency even if we have an accountability partner.

If you wrestle with prayer, I encourage you to consider the Church Answers course, “The Potential and Power of Prayer” built upon my book by the same title. Pastors, let’s keep growing in our praying!

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At What Age Should a Pastor Retire? Ten Diagnostic Questions

There are a lot of us Baby Boomer pastors and Christian leaders around. And it’s cliché, but we aren’t getting any younger. It’s a quiet question that many are asking, but they are asking it nonetheless: What age should I retire?

Instead of responding with a specific number, I encourage my Baby Boomer peers to reflect on a series of ten diagnostic questions:

Are you physically and emotionally able to continue to lead at a high level? If not, you probably should retire. Effective leadership demands both physical stamina and emotional resilience.Are you still highly motivated in your place of leadership? If you don’t wake up each morning excited about your ministry, it might be time to step aside.Are you a continuous learner? Are you reading, listening to others, attending conferences, learning new technologies, and staying current in key areas? A stagnant leader can hinder a church’s progress.Are you hanging on primarily for financial reasons? If financial concerns are the dominant reason for staying, you may be doing a disservice to your church or ministry.Do you have a clear and compelling vision for your ministry’s future? Without a forward-looking vision, you may be coasting. Coasting often signals it’s time to consider retirement.Is the church’s health deteriorating under your leadership? While not always the fault of the pastor, it’s crucial to ask if new leadership could bring revitalization.Does the word “change” cause you to feel threatened or angry? Resistance to change can hinder effective leadership, especially in a rapidly evolving cultural and ministry landscape.Do you empower others regularly? Are you taking the time to equip others for ministry and leadership? A lack of investment in others might indicate you’re coasting.Is your family supportive of you staying in your current ministry position? Your spouse and children often have insights into what’s best for you and the church. Their perspective matters.Do you find yourself longing for the “good old days”? If so, you may be living in the past, ineffective in the present, and unable to lead toward the future. It might be time to step down.

I understand that ministry is not something from which one ever fully retires. However, that reality does not negate the fact that it may be time for some pastors to step away from their current positions and find other ways to serve.

So, at What Age Should a Pastor Retire?

It depends. Every situation is unique. Some may have many productive years left in their current role, while others may need to retire now to allow new leadership to take the church to the next level.

Be honest with yourself. Above all, be honest with God. If it is truly time for you to retire from your church, trust that He will guide you in this transition, just as He has throughout your ministry.

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10 Ways for the Church to Address the Loneliness Epidemic in Our Culture

I recently read an interview with the outgoing surgeon general of the United States, and he noted in that discussion the ongoing epidemic of loneliness in the US. In fact, he wrote in a 2023 health advisory, “Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.”[i] 

While I appreciate the government’s efforts to address this issue, it seems to me that the church has a primary role to play here. Of all organizations, the local body of Christ ought to be central in helping lonely people find relationships, belonging, and meaning. I am concerned, though, that most congregations probably are not thinking much about that responsibility. 

Instead, we go through our routines and motions, loving the people who attend church with us but not often considering those

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Ten Guidelines for Paying and Hosting Guest Speakers and Musicians in Your Church

Money can often be an awkward topic for churches and guest speakers.

It’s an issue both parties think about, but too often, it’s an issue around which both parties tiptoe.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Hosting and paying guest speakers or musicians should be viewed through the lens of biblical stewardship and hospitality. Over the years, I’ve worked with many churches, speakers, and musicians to establish helpful guidelines. These are not rigid rules but flexible principles designed to create clarity and foster generosity.

Here are ten guidelines for paying and hosting guest speakers and musicians:

1. Pay with a generous spirit.

As your church is able, strive to be generous when compensating guest speakers and musicians. A good starting point for guest preachers is the formula developed by Art Rainer. While this framework is tailored to guest preachers, similar principles can apply to conference leaders, musicians, and others. Adjustments may be necessary based on the specific context, but generosity should always be a guiding principle.

2. Ask the guest speaker about their expectations for pay.

Be upfront and ask guest speakers or musicians if they have specific fees or payment guidelines. There’s no need to shy away from this conversation—it fosters transparency and ensures everyone is on the same page.

3. Pay promptly.

Have the check or the electronic deposit ready when the speaker or musician arrives. To avoid delays, request W-9 forms and travel reimbursement paperwork in advance. Never tell a speaker, “We’ll mail the check later.” Prompt payment communicates respect and professionalism.

4. Cover all travel expenses.

Ensure all travel-related expenses are reimbursed, including airfare, mileage, rental cars, Uber, meals, and lodging. It’s fine to set reasonable boundaries, such as reimbursing coach airfare instead of first-class, but be clear about these expectations upfront.

5. Provide reasonable accommodations (not your home).

Most speakers and musicians prefer staying in a hotel rather than a private home. Hotels offer privacy, comfort, and freedom from the social obligations that often come with staying in someone’s home. A comfortable hotel stay ensures they are well-rested and ready for their engagement.

6. Inform the speaker ahead of time.

Clearly outline the honorarium or fee, along with travel reimbursement, during your initial conversations with the speaker or musician. Putting these details in writing helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures clarity for both parties.

7. Consider the speaker’s perspective.

What may seem like a short 45-minute speaking assignment to your church could require two full days of travel for the guest speaker. When determining compensation and logistics, consider the time and sacrifices involved from their perspective. Generosity in this regard can leave a lasting positive impression.

8. Avoid scope creep and add-ons.

Stick to the original commitment. Don’t ask the speaker for additional engagements after the initial invitation. Statements like, “Since you’re here anyway…” can make the speaker feel taken advantage of. Similarly, avoid involving other groups that try to add engagements during the speaker’s visit. Be clear and specific about expectations from the start.

9. Provide a dedicated point person.

The speaker or musician should have one primary contact for all aspects of the engagement. This person should handle travel arrangements, payments, sound checks, and greet them at the venue. A single point of contact minimizes confusion and ensures a smooth experience.

10. Protect your church’s reputation.

Churches quickly develop reputations—good or bad—based on how they treat guest speakers. Travel can be exhausting, and speakers need to know they are valued and cared for. Going the extra mile in hospitality reflects well on your church and honors the guest’s time and effort.

 

Closing Thoughts

These guidelines are written primarily with the guest speaker’s perspective in mind. In a future post, I’ll address specific guidelines that speakers and musicians should consider when engaging with churches.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What practices has your church adopted when hosting guest speakers and musicians?

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Eight Core Values for Every Church Staff

What does your church staff consider important? Hopefully, some things will come to mind immediately, such as the Great Commission, the Great Commandment, and the vision of your local church. Have you ever considered the values that help you work together as a staff? Have you considered how you press towards these essential goals?

Staff core values can help you focus on what’s vital for you and your staff. These values can keep you on task, eliminate distractions, clarify your direction, and draw your staff together. Quite simply, core values help you identify what’s important.

At First Baptist Church Bartow (the church I pastor), we are guided by eight core values:

We will work as a team. A church staff must be committed to teamwork. Ministry silos are not conducive to effective local church ministry. At our church, we intentionally look for ways to help one another. There are no doubt times when we must focus on our particular areas of responsibility. By and large, however, we seek to serve as a team. We will be loyal. Loyalty is integral to our church staff. Our loyalty does not extend to concealing anything immoral or illegal. However, it does extend to giving each other the benefit of the doubt and having the backs of one another. Jesus is loyal to His followers, and we believe his followers should be loyal to one another, particularly those serving on the same staff team. We will be encouragers. There’s a lot of discouragement in our world. A church staff should not be a source of additional discouragement. Instead, a team of gospel workers should be a source of encouragement. When staff members lift up one another with godly joy and encouragement, greater ministry effectiveness can occur. We will work hard. It is heartbreaking to see a church staff not reaching its potential because of laziness. No workers should be more committed than ministers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Make no mistake: working hard does not equate to overworking. Our staff is committed to hard work so that when it’s time to rest, we can rest well. We will communicate well. Poor communication can destroy a church staff and, at times, destroy the church itself. Our church staff is committed to preventing this from happening. We seek to communicate well. We follow up. We clarify. We have the extra conversation. We answer emails, texts, and calls. Healthy communication is essential to healthy church work. We will be guided by humility. At our church, we believe the closer you get to arrogance, the farther you get from Jesus. We seek for all our staff members to be guided by humility. Humility is not always easy. Our natural inclination is to think of ourselves first and foremost. The fight to be humble is a struggle worth pursuing. We will have fun. This value is one of my favorites. Our team has fun together. We joke around. We share meals together. We celebrate birthdays. We sit and chat about a movie or memes. None of this is to the detriment of our other core values. Quite the opposite. Having fun together weaves a relational bond that undergirds all our other core values. It also produces a joy in our hearts that feels like a gift from God.We will serve with integrity. We believe that consistency and character matter. We aim to practice the other core values and live godly lives, even when no one is watching. If our integrity is compromised, the entire ministry could be compromised. Our church staff serves in a way that is above reproach and unashamed.

What values are significant to your church staff? What are your thoughts on the values listed above? I’d love to hear feedback from you. If you are seeking to develop your church staff in a greater way, consider checking out My Church Staff from Church Answers. Building an effective staff may be easier than you think.

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What’s Next?! The Best Question to Ask Regarding Guests At Church

Hopefully, you will meet new people this week. One of the marks of a healthy church is a steady stream of new attendees. They might have come for any kind of reason—an outreach initiative, a special service or time of the year, or maybe just an invitation from a church member. Whatever the cause, they are there. And once they are, there is one, key question you should ask: 

What happens next?

Most churches have some kind of answer to that question, but generally, the answer involves actions taken by the church toward the guests. What happens next? There might be a gift bag. Or a phone call from a member of the church staff. Or even a personal visit or invitation to coffee. These are all good things, but think about the question from the opposite direction:

What should a person who visits your church do next?

Another way to say it might be: what prescribed next step will we offer to someone who is visiting? This is an important question to answer because if there is nothing for that person to do–no action for them to take–then chances are they will hang around on the periphery of the congregation and then eventually move on. 

For visitors to become contributing members of a local congregation, they need to be involved as quickly as possible in the life of the church. The problem is that every single person who visits a church is different.

They have different spiritual backgrounds, different understandings of who God is and what church should be about, and different life experiences that have shaped their understanding of faith. All of those differences make it complicated to involve people effectively. And yet the answer to that “next step” question is one of the things that separates churches that have steady and sustainable growth from those that do not.

So what happens next?

For some churches, this is a membership class in which people come to understand the core doctrines of the church, the philosophy and vision of ministry, and how they can become involved. But what many such classes lack is the personal relational connection with other church members.

Other churches push new people immediately to a small group in which they can experience life connection with others. But what that next step often lacks is the emphasis on doctrine and church vision found in membership classes.

Ideally, the next step has both. It is a “level-setting” experience in which people learn the truth of the gospel and the other core doctrines, while at the same time connecting deeply with other people. In such an experience, people come out on the other side not only understanding who the church is and what spiritual development looks like there, but also with a depth of relationship that serves as the glue to keep them in the congregation.

Perhaps one of the reasons you might not be seeing sustained growth is the lack of such an experience. If that’s true, then it’s time to rethink your answer to the question, “What happens next?”

Rooted Network can help meet this need. Hundreds of churches are understanding how the Rooted experience can not only help people understand the core Christian doctrines but also connect them deeply into the life of the church. To find out more, visit experiencerooted.com/churchanswers .

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How to Know Your Church Is Truly Revitalized (5 Key Indicators)

At what point can you say your church is fully revitalized?

In some ways, church health is an ongoing journey. You never really “arrive.” In fact, the healthiest churches are inevitably messy. A healthy church will have many new believers, which means an ongoing struggle to disciple them. This discipleship doesn’t happen instantaneously. The more people you reach for Christ, the more new believers you have, and the messier your church will be.

However, there are some key indicators that signal your church has moved out of the revitalization phase and into a healthy church phase. These five indicators are not comprehensive, but they will help you assess how far along you are in the revitalization process.

Indicator 1: Children and students comprise 25% or more of average worship attendance. Your worship attendance is everyone on campus for all worship services. This count includes children, but don’t double-count anyone. You reach a healthy threshold when children and students (those 18 years old and younger) account for 25% or more of your average worship attendance. At this stage, your children’s and student ministry budgets should equal or exceed your worship budget.

Indicator 2: Conversion ratio reaches 20:1 or better. A healthy church will have a conversion ratio of 20:1 or less. The smaller the conversion ratio, the fewer people it takes in your church to reach others. Smaller is better with this metric. For example, a conversion ratio of 1:1 means each person in your church is reaching one person for Christ each year. A conversion ratio of 100:1 means that for every one hundred people in your church, only one person is reached for Christ per year. The Hope Initiative is an excellent program to help improve this ratio.

Indicator 3: Giving consistently exceeds expenses. Churches in decline often have cash flow problems. They spend more than they receive in gifts and offerings. These deficits are frequently out of necessity—surprise expenses like roof repairs and air conditioning upgrades must be done. Cash reserves can forestall a complete financial collapse for a season, but most churches cannot last longer than a few years on their reserves. A revitalized church will reach a point where giving exceeds expenses, and cash reserves are built rather than depleted.

Indicator 4: Deferred maintenance is minimized. Deferred maintenance is the process of delaying needed improvements to infrastructure and assets because of budget and cash limitations. Struggling churches are notorious for postponing necessary capital projects. Revitalized churches have a clear plan to tackle deferred maintenance and include it as a line item in the operating budget.

Indicator 5: The number of people in groups is 80% or more of average worship attendance. A person in a small group is five times more likely to stay in a church after five years than someone who is not, and those in groups give significantly more than those not in groups. A key mark is the 80% threshold. In revitalized churches, the average group attendance will be 80% of average worship attendance. How can you get there? You can learn how to lead healthy small groups that thrive in your church.

These indicators are not the only signals of a revitalized church, but they are major milestones on the journey to becoming healthy. If you want to go deeper, the Church Health Scorecard will guide you in 12 additional areas to help you navigate a revitalization journey.

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Rest, Reflect, Renew: A Step-by-Step Guide to Planning a Meaningful Women’s Retreat

Springtime is often one of the busiest seasons for women’s ministry, but it also brings a unique opportunity to pause and reconnect. Planning a women’s retreat is a meaningful way to create space for rest, community, and spiritual renewal. Though the process may seem daunting, breaking it into manageable steps can help you craft a retreat that is both well-organized and impactful. Whether you’re a seasoned planner or tackling your first retreat, these practical tips will guide you every step of the way:

1. Start with Prayer and Vision

Every great retreat begins with a clear purpose. Take time to pray and seek God’s direction for the event. Consider questions like:

What do we want women to take away from this retreat?What are the spiritual, emotional, or relational needs of the women in our group?How can we create an environment that fosters rest, connection, and growth?

A clear vision will guide all your planning decisions and keep the focus on what truly matters.

2. Set a Budget and Communicate Dates Early

Creating a realistic budget is crucial to ensure the retreat is financially accessible and sustainable. Consider expenses such as:

Venue costs (church facilities, retreat centers, or rental spaces)Meals and snacks (maybe cut costs having them bring their own snacks)Speaker fees (if hiring an outside speaker)Materials for activities, decor, or giftsTransportation (Carpool or rental fees)

Once your budget is set, communicate the retreat dates as early as possible—ideally four to six months in advance. Use multiple communication channels—church bulletins, emails, social media, and word of mouth—to ensure everyone is informed. Early notice allows women to plan their schedules and budget for the retreat.

3. Pick a Theme

A strong theme provides focus and sets the tone for your retreat. While it may be tempting to prioritize a creative slogan or decor, remember that the primary purpose of the retreat is to engage with God’s Word. Start by selecting a passage of Scripture that aligns with the heart of the weekend. Let the Word of God be the foundation, shaping the theme and message. From there, you can build supporting elements like activities, discussions, and decor that reinforce the spiritual focus.

4. Select a Speaker Thoughtfully

Choosing a speaker is one of the most important decisions for your retreat. Consider whether someone from within your church community could share a meaningful message. Internal speakers can bring relatability and connection, as they understand the women in your group.

If you opt to hire an external speaker, look for someone whose message aligns with your theme and your group’s needs. Be sure to:

Research their speaking style and topics through videos.Communicate expectations clearly, including timeframes and honorarium.Pray for guidance in making the right choice.

5. Prioritize Balance in the Schedule

One of the most common mistakes in retreat planning is overscheduling. Remember, the goal is to create a space for rest and reflection—not to recreate the hurried pace of daily life. While it’s important to have structure, be intentional about leaving room for:

Quiet Time: Allow for moments where women can reflect, pray, journal, or simply sit with God.Connection: Provide opportunities for meaningful conversations and community-building.Flexibility: Include free time for women to recharge in ways that best suit them—whether that’s going for a walk, taking a nap, or diving into a book.

Striking the right balance helps women leave the retreat feeling refreshed rather than exhausted.

6. Gather Feedback

As your retreat comes to a close, provide a way for attendees to share feedback. What did they enjoy? What could be improved? A simple survey can help you learn and grow for future events. Don’t forget to take time to celebrate the ways God worked through the retreat, whether it was through big breakthroughs or quiet moments of encouragement.

Final Thoughts

Planning a women’s retreat is no small task, but it’s one of the most rewarding ways to serve the women in your community. With a clear vision, thoughtful planning, and a commitment to creating space for rest and renewal, your retreat can be a beautiful opportunity for women to step away from the busyness of life and encounter God in meaningful ways. Keep the focus on Him, and everything else will fall into place.

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Do Non-Religious People Grow Up Differently Than Religious People?

One of the most important debates in social science is nature versus nurture. We can observe all kinds of behaviors in adults, but trying to understand the series of events that led to that outcome is really difficult. In psychology, there’s something called “Trait Theory,” the idea that people are born with fairly stable dispositions. Things like introversion, extroversion, or desire to be in control are innate qualities of an individual. While circumstances can affect a person, you can’t make a shy person enjoy being the center of attention, no matter what happened to them in their formative years.

There is some evidence of a genetic component to religious affiliation. In a study of twins separated at birth, Thomas Bouchard found that about 50% of religiosity was genetically influenced, while the other half relied on environmental factors. But, as you might expect, this issue is more significant than a DNA

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Confessions of a Broken Pastor’s Wife: A True Story

I love the community that has formed on this blog. There are several of you who are regular commenters; you have become a part of this blog family, and I feel like I know you.

Some of you come to the blog in affirmation of what I have written. I am always grateful for such encouragement. But some of you disagree with me. I gladly post your comments for two reasons. First, I want to be fair to all who take time to read my blog. Second, I am wrong sometimes and need to be corrected.

How This Story Began

Sometimes, however, you come to this blog hurting deeply. You need a place where you can be heard, and you need a place where you can share your pain without fear of retribution. That is why I allow you to comment anonymously if you so desire. My only requirement is that you enter your legitimate email in case we need to confirm that you’re not hiding behind a fake address. But we will never publish your email address.

A few years ago, I wrote a post about pastors’ spouses and what they wish they had known before they became a pastor’s spouse. The article struck a nerve. Much to my surprise, I discovered a depth and breadth of hurt of which I was unaware. I was ashamed I had been so oblivious to this pain.

The Story of Good Pastors

Please hear me clearly: Most pastors are good pastors. Most pastors are good people. Most pastors are good family persons.

But some pastors forget their priorities. They neglect their vows to their spouses. They abandon their families under the guise that they are doing God’s work. I served as a pastor of four churches. There were times that I neglected my wife and my three sons because I justified my busyness as God’s work. I was wrong, terribly wrong.

The Hurting Pastor’s Wife

As my post on pastor’s spouses became a lively conversation, I was struck by one comment in particular. Indeed, I was almost brought to tears as I read it. Here are her words without any changes, additions, or deletions:

I wish my husband would have included me in his life to be his cheerleader. I wish he would have respected my calling and ministry. I wish someone would have told me that he was going to neglect me and forget about our dreams as a married couple. Now he lives for the church. Birthdays and anniversaries do not exist in this home. I’m tired of eating dinners alone and having anniversary trips canceled because he has no interest. What does he always tell me? Oh yeah, ‘The Kingdom of God is always first.’ Now even my faith in God is at question. How could God give me a husband who is a pastor and so easily live without me? I feel stuck in this marriage. I am unfulfilled as a woman, wife, minister, and mother. Everything he promised me he has broken. I wish someone would have told me it would be this way. Then maybe I would have paid more attention to my gut feeling!”

Wow. The pain is so obvious. The hurt is so deep.

The First Ministry

When Paul was giving Timothy the qualifications of the pastor/overseer, he made a summary statement in 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?”

Pastors often share with me the difficulty they have in balancing the priorities of family and church. But the Bible, through Paul’s words, gives us a slightly different perspective. Pastors are not choosing between two different priorities. Their family is actually their first level of ministry in the church. If they cannot minister to them well, they cannot take care of the church.

Pastors are pulled in countless directions. The demands and expectations are endless. But pastors, please don’t neglect your first ministry. Don’t neglect your family. Let every member of your family know how much you love them. Even more, show every member of your family how much you love them every day by praying with them, giving them time, listening to them, and demonstrating they are your first ministry in the church.

Satan would love to destroy your family. In God’s power, please don’t let it happen.

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