Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 2

Eight Essential Practices to Create a Healthy Church Culture

Conversations about organizational culture were all the buzz just a few years ago. Though the discussion may have quieted down recently, the importance of a healthy church culture remains as vital as ever. At its core, organizational culture is how your church behaves. It is essentially, “how we do things around here.”

Approximately ten years ago, I conducted a research project examining best practices for cultivating healthy church cultures. The research identified four key features of a healthy church culture: (1) it is led by a courageous leader, (2) it values the role of people, (3) it shares a common vision, and (4) it is committed to the biblical mission.

These characteristics define what a healthy culture looks like, but how do churches get there? After an in-depth study of three churches with healthy cultures, I identified eight essential practices that can help a church cultivate a healthy culture:

Establish a gospel identity. A church’s culture must be rooted in its love for and commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Without this gospel foundation, a healthy culture cannot thrive.Let the Bible shape everything. God’s Word provides the blueprint for healthy churches. By aligning with God’s plan, churches can foster a culture that pleases Him.Foster a sense of community. A church is a family of Jesus-followers, and healthy cultures work hard to build genuine relationships and community among their people.Be marked by humility. Arrogance will poison a healthy culture. Church leaders and key influencers must be driven by humility, following the example of Jesus, who was humble and selfless.Leaders must model the desired culture. Leaders set the tone. If they don’t live out the cultural values they preach, it sends a message that they don’t truly believe in them.Train the congregation in cultural values. Church members often desire a healthy culture but may not know how to contribute to it. Wise leaders help their people understand their role in shaping and sustaining a healthy culture.Empower the congregation. Healthy culture isn’t built by leaders alone; it’s a collective effort. Leaders should empower their people to participate in shaping and sustaining the culture through leadership, feedback, service, prayer, and more.Prioritize the biblical model for the church. Above all else, healthy churches consistently return to the biblical model of the church. My research confirmed that Scripture provides the clearest path to a healthy culture.

Whether you realize it or not, your church’s culture is shaping every aspect of its life and ministry. For a church to be healthy, it must have a healthy culture. These eight practices provide a great starting point. Remember, God is good, and He can transform any church—including its culture.

If you want to shape a healthy culture in your church, it helps to know your church. Consider using the Know Your Church report in your church. You can learn more here.

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Things I Didn’t Know the First Time I Ever Attended Church

As I write this post, I’m celebrating today the 51st anniversary of my baptism. I still remember the day well when my pastor baptized me, a new Christ-follower only one week old. The previous Sunday had been my first day in church in my life, and God drew me to Him that day.

Here’s what I’m thinking about today, though, as my heart increasingly breaks for so many churches in North America that are disconnected from and unburdened about non-believers around them: I’m remembering how little I knew about church the first time I made my way to that small church in southwestern Ohio. I think about that truth because I don’t want to assume that my non-believing friends today have any more “church” knowledge than I had back then in 1974. A friend had shared the gospel with me prior to my going to church, but I still knew nothing about the experience of “church.”

I suspect some of these memories may seem hard to believe to folks raised in church, but below are some things I just didn’t know when I went to church for the first time:

I didn’t know what it meant to be in a Baptist church. I went to a Baptist church only because our neighbors who gave me a ride took me there. Imagine my surprise when I later learned that an ancient man named John apparently carried a title of “the Baptist,” too (?).I didn’t know where to sit when I followed the crowd into the room with “benches” (in my mind). I just followed my friends’ lead—and I was glad they sat in the back!I had never seen a hymnbook or sung a hymn. It felt like everyone else around me knew what they were doing, but I didn’t. I doubt it’s much different for folks today even though the music churches sing today is often quite different.I didn’t know who the man was who seemed to be in charge. People called him “brother” (which was itself confusing to me). His apparent title on the piece of paper someone gave me when I walked into the building was “Pastor”—but I’d never heard that word before, either.I wasn’t sure what to do when the man in charge said, “Greet one another with a hand of fellowship.” Seriously, I didn’t have a clue what any of that wording meant—and I surely wasn’t about to wander around like everybody else did saying “hi” to people I didn’t know.I had no idea what prayer was all about. All I could tell was that I suddenly was the only one looking around the room when everyone else knew they were supposed to tilt their heads forward. Then, somebody seemed to be talking to God.I didn’t have a Bible, and I wouldn’t have known how to use one if I did have one. Nothing about “John three sixteen” would have made sense to me. It felt like I was the only one in the room who didn’t have one of those books that everyone else seemed to be reading.I knew I wanted to talk to someone at the end of the service, but fear almost kept me from doing so. It was God’s marvelous grace that led me to talk to the man who was the “pastor.” The most miraculous thing that happened that day was that God grabbed the heart of this confused, out-of-place teenage boy and made me His child. I knew nothing about church, but God reached me in the midst of my church ignorance. One week later, that pastor baptized me.

Here’s my point: as I’ve been burdened about reaching lost people around me and have intentionally sought to build relationships with them, I’m reminded regularly that many of them are just as ignorant about church as I was way back then. They might be just as uncomfortable as I was the first time they come to church—and we need to keep that truth in mind as we seek to show them the way to Jesus and invite them to join us for worship.

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The Four Faces of the Nones: What Ryan Burge’s New Research Reveals

Ryan Burge does it again.

If you’ve followed his work, you know he has a way of blending rigorous research with clear, relatable explanations. This time, he partnered with Tony Jones on a grant-funded project from the John Templeton Foundation’s Spiritual Yearning Research Initiative. The centerpiece? A massive survey titled Making Meaning in a Post-Religious America.

They went big—really big—on sample size. Using Qualtrics, a trusted data platform in both academic and business circles, they surveyed 15,296 Americans. Of those, 12,014 identified as atheist, agnostic, or “nothing in particular”—the group we’ve come to call the Nones. They also surveyed 3,282 Americans from various faith traditions (Protestant, Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, and others) as a reference group for comparison.

The goal? To see the Nones in a new light, using more nuance than traditional surveys allow. They applied a machine learning process called k-means clustering—an algorithm that groups people based on similarities without human bias in the sorting. The result: four distinct categories within the non-religious.

Those four groups are:

NiNos (Nones in Name Only)SBNRs (Spiritual But Not Religious)The DonesZealous Atheists

As you read, remember—Burge’s percentages are within the Nones, not the total U.S. population. In other words, when he says 36% of Nones fall into a category, that’s 36% of people who are religiously unaffiliated, not 36% of all Americans.

You can read Burge’s original article on his Graphs about Religion Substack here: The Four Types of Nones.

NiNos: Nones in Name Only (21% of the Nones)

Let’s start with the most surprising group—at least for those who think all Nones are thoroughly secular. The NiNos are, in many ways, still tethered to religion. They reject a religious label, but their practices and beliefs look, at times, like those inside the pews.

Nearly three-quarters of them choose “nothing in particular” as their affiliation. Yet over half pray daily, and a similar percentage say they believe in God without a doubt. One-third even attend religious services at least once a year. Compared to Protestants and Catholics, their religious engagement is still lower—but compared to other Nones, it’s much higher.

Here’s the kicker: NiNos may reflect a flaw in how surveys classify religious identity. Many don’t fit neatly into the categories survey researchers use. They may dislike institutions, but they retain personal faith and private spiritual habits. In that sense, they could be “low-commitment believers” rather than truly non-religious.

For pastors and church leaders, NiNos could represent the most reachable segment of the Nones—people already halfway to the front door, spiritually speaking.

SBNRs: Spiritual But Not Religious (36% of the Nones)

This is the largest group, and their label is familiar even outside academic circles. SBNRs resist organized religion but pursue spiritual meaning in other ways.

Their stats paint a clear picture: 93% seldom or never attend religious services, nearly 90% rarely pray, and only 5% say they believe in God without a doubt. But they score high on “spiritual importance,” which sets them apart from the Dones and Zealous Atheists.

They’re also deeply distrustful of religion—three-quarters say they have no trust in religious institutions at all. Instead, they turn to what you might call “alternative spiritual practices”—meditation, yoga, nature walks, crystals, energy work, and other non-institutional forms of meaning-making.

One key insight here: SBNRs may not be drawn back to church by traditional approaches. Instead, engagement might require building bridges through shared values like community service and community ministries like those offered by Upward Sports.

The Dones (33% of the Nones)

If the SBNRs keep one foot in the spiritual waters, the Dones have stepped completely out—and dried off. They register the lowest possible scores for both religious and spiritual importance.

They rarely, if ever, participate in religious practices—just 2% attend services at all, and 99% say they don’t pray. Belief in God? Almost nonexistent. The most telling stat: 77% agree with the statement, “When I die, my existence ends.”

For the Dones, religion is not only unnecessary—it’s irrelevant. In Burge’s words, there’s no evidence of a “God-shaped hole” here. That makes them the least likely to reengage with faith through conventional outreach.

Still, they’re worth understanding. Their firm disconnection from religion may say as much about past religious experiences (or lack thereof) as about their current worldview.

Zealous Atheists (11% of the Nones)

This is the smallest group, but it’s the one most people think of when they picture an outspoken non-believer. About three-quarters of them have tried to persuade someone to leave religion in the past year. Burge calls them the “Reddit Atheists” for their quickness to critique faith online.

They’re often active in debates, mocking religious concepts they see as irrational (“Sky Daddy” jokes and references to the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” abound). What’s surprising is that some still have minimal interaction with religion—17% attend a service at least once a year, and some admit to occasional prayer.

Why? Possibly because religion still touches their lives indirectly—through family, holidays, or cultural moments. And that ongoing contact may fuel their critical engagement.

It’s worth noting that despite their online visibility, Zealous Atheists represent just over one in ten Nones—not the face of the entire unaffiliated world.

What Do the Church Leaders Do with This Research?

Burge and Jones’ work gives us a sharper lens for understanding the religiously unaffiliated. Instead of treating all Nones as one undifferentiated group, we can now see four distinct faces:

NiNos who still show religious behaviors.SBNRs who reject religion but seek spiritual fulfillment elsewhere.Dones who have checked out completely.Zealous Atheists who actively oppose religion.

Here’s what’s crucial to remember: these percentages describe the Nones, not all Americans. And within those categories, there’s fluidity—people can shift over time from one group to another.

For faith leaders, this means engagement strategies must be as diverse as the Nones themselves. The NiNos may respond to gentle invitations, SBNRs to shared causes, Dones to authentic relationships, and Zealous Atheists… well, they may just want to argue on X.

But one unspoken truth in Burge’s research is that secular America isn’t monolithic. If we can understand the nuances, we may be better equipped not only to talk about the Nones—but to talk with them.

Read Ryan Burge’s full article here: The Four Types of Nones – Graphs About Religion

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Are Churches Still Racially Segregated Today? (What Has Changed Since the 1960s)

“The most segregated hour is at 11 a.m. on Sunday morning” is a widely recognized statement concerning race and religion in the United States. While often linked to Martin Luther King, Jr., variations of this expression predated his popularization of it. Regardless of its origin, the core message remains constant: religion in the United States distinctly reflects deep-seated racial divisions.

But has anything changed around race and religion since those ideas were injected into mainstream discourse in the 1950s and 1960s? It’s a very hard question to answer. Most surveys don’t ask about the specific church people attend, typically only inquiring about attendance frequency. The recent Pew Religious Landscape Survey is an exception, as it included a question for regular attendees: “When you attend religious services in person, what is the race or ethnicity of most other people attending?”

Within the sample, 52% of respondents reported attending a predominantly

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The Silent Crisis in Church Facilities: Understanding the Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio

A growing number of churches are facing a silent but critical problem—one that rarely appears in budget meetings or revitalization plans. It’s not theological drift or volunteer shortages. It’s deferred maintenance.

The sticker shock is real. My church is finishing a $2.2 million air conditioning project. We still have several other projects to complete. While we are making significant progress, almost all our budget surpluses from the previous several years have been earmarked for deferred maintenance.

From older roofs to HVAC failures and faded paint, many congregations are simply unprepared for the cost of keeping their buildings functional and safe. And the implications are far greater than aesthetic appeal. In some cases, deferred maintenance is the warning light that a church may soon be forced to close its doors.

A Hidden Metric That Predicts Church Closures

One of the most underutilized metrics in evaluating church health is the Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio. This ratio may not appear on typical church scorecards, but it could be the clearest indicator of whether a congregation is heading toward a facility crisis.

The premise is simple: Churches should be financially prepared to replace or repair high-cost assets (like HVAC systems and roofs) within their expected lifespans. When they are not, the backlog of repairs grows—sometimes to catastrophic levels.

Why Deferred Maintenance Is Often Ignored

Church leaders rarely talk about this issue for a few reasons:

It’s complicated. Calculating facility needs and reserves involves timelines, depreciation, and financial planning.It’s invisible until it’s urgent. Churches can delay painting or roof repairs for years, until they can’t.It’s uncomfortable. No one wants to admit that they’ve underfunded facilities or neglected planning for future needs.

Yet avoiding the problem doesn’t make it go away. It makes it worse and often more expensive.

What Contributes to Deferred Maintenance?

Several factors influence whether a church finds itself in a maintenance deficit:

Age of the building – Older buildings naturally accumulate more deferred work, especially historic ones that require specialized upkeep.Complexity of facilities – Churches with gyms, schools, and multiple buildings face exponentially higher maintenance costs.Financial health – Congregations with tight budgets are more likely to defer work, creating a costly backlog.Environment and weather – Churches in harsh climates or flood-prone zones may see accelerated deterioration.

Despite these challenges, the Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio gives a clear picture of where a church stands and what needs to happen next.

How to Calculate the Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio

The step-by-step instructions may seem detailed, but they provide an essential snapshot of a church’s readiness to care for its facility:

Identify major future expenses, such as roof, HVAC, painting, and equipment replacement, including elevators.Estimate when that expenditure should occur (in the number of years).Estimate the cost of that expenditure.Determine the amount of reserves the church should have set aside each year to have adequate funds to replace each asset. Those funds are called needed reserves.Determine the amount of reserves the church currently has available. These funds are called available reserves.Divide the available reserves by the needed reserves. This number is the church’s deferred maintenance ratio.

Example:

(Available reserves) ÷ (Needed reserves) = Deferred maintenance ratio.

Roof replacement (in 10 of 20 years): $200,000 × 50% = $100,000HVAC (in 6 of 10 years): $280,000 × 60% = $168,000Painting (in 8 of 10 years): $50,000 × 80% = $40,000Total needed reserves: $308,000Current available reserves: $175,000Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio: $175,000 ÷ $308,000 = 56.8%

Interpreting the Results: The Traffic Light System

Use this simple grading system to evaluate your church’s standing:

Green: Above 80% – Your church is in a solid position. Ideally, you’d have 100% of the reserves needed, but a 20% gap is manageable.

Yellow: 60% to 80% – You’re entering risky territory. Begin planning now to address the funding gap before systems fail.

Red: Below 60% – This is where most churches fall, and the consequences can be severe. Established churches with low or zero reserves often face sudden closures due to unsafe or unusable facilities.

The Call to Action

This metric isn’t just about bricks and mortar; it’s about stewardship. A deferred maintenance crisis can cripple a church’s ministry. It can saddle leaders with insurmountable financial burdens.

Yet churches that build reserves and plan proactively are better positioned to remain open, safe, and welcoming for future generations. The Deferred Maintenance Reserve Ratio may not be flashy, but it may be the most important number your finance team considers this year.

This metric, along with many others, is found in The Church Health Scorecard. You can understand clearly the health of your church in 12 key areas. Every metric has specific guidance on its calculation and application. You also get two video courses on understanding the scorecard and the key trends in churches today.

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One of the Most Important Conflict Management Lessons I’ve Ever Learned

I don’t like conflict. And, I can so fret about conflict that I let it consume me and rob me of sleep. It’s as if I simply can’t let it go, even though I try my best to leave it with the Lord. I know better, but it’s still hard. I know better because I can point back to conflict after conflict and talk about several truths that I’ve learned over the years.

First, the Lord truly is bigger than anything I’ve ever faced. All of us know that truth intellectually, but clinging to that truth in the midst of conflict isn’t always easy. The immediate anguish of the moment overshadows any faith in our heart—until, that is, that we come through the pain and see that God was in control all along.

Second, the conflict often wasn’t nearly as serious as I thought it was. Sometimes, others I worried about weren’t thinking about the situation nearly as much as I was. In some cases, they had never viewed it as negatively as I had. In other cases, they had forgivingly moved on quickly while I dwelt in the quicksand of my own leadership regrets. The problem was that I often didn’t realize these realities until after I had allowed the situation to eat at my soul.

Third, the source of the conflict was seldom more than a handful of people. It might have felt like a “church bus load” of people who were frustrated and increasingly problematic, but that seldom was the case. In almost 45 years of ministry, in fact, I can’t recall any situation where the “opposing” group was numerous. There haven’t ever been many of them; it’s just that they’ve been loud. Really loud at times.

Since then, here’s the lesson I have often run toward in times of disagreement and conflict: “Don’t worry so much about the level of the volume; instead, pay attention to the number of the voices.”

I realize, of course, that even a single voice of opposition can be trouble, especially if that voice is a persuasive one. At the same time, though, it’s been helpful for me to remember that loud voices in the congregation don’t always equal influential voices.

Some church members regularly stir up folks to join their causes, but that support isn’t always lasting. Sometimes, the loud voices sound louder simply because others are so tired of the troublemakers that they just silently ignore them; what the problematic members perceive as quiet support is really just apathy and fatigue toward them. And, frankly, I’m also convinced that sometimes Satan and his forces magnify the volume of the opposition in our own heads to stifle our leadership. We give our critics more power because we pay attention to their volume—and that’s not always the best move.

Some years ago, Thom and I were co-leading a Doctor of Ministry seminar when a pastor/student expressed his heartache about ongoing conflict in his church. He had also told us about good things happening in his church, but he kept returning to the conflict issue. Thom stopped him almost midsentence and asked him, “How many people do you estimate are the troublemakers in your church?” The student’s response was, “Probably about five out of about 200 regular attenders.”

Thom pressed back, and the student finally recognized what he had been doing: he was giving too much clout to his critics not because they were numerous, but because they were always in his ear. He had been listening to the few louder voices more than the voices of the other 195 people who were in his court. He had allowed the few to rob him of his joy.

So, pastor, don’t get too stressed about the volume if the critics are few. Listen instead to those who faithfully stand with you, even if they do so too quietly at times.

And, church member, be sure to tell your pastor today how much you appreciate him. One way to drown out the critics in your pastor’s ears is to let him hear some positives once in a while.

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3 Deadly Mindsets that Kill Volunteer Recruiting

Every pastor and ministry leader will tell you that volunteer recruitment is essential. They will also admit, with a degree of perplexity, that there are times when volunteer recruitment does not seem to be happening. Why is this the case?

There may be various factors at play.

One factor could be seasonal causes. For example, it may be more challenging to recruit volunteers in the summertime since people are traveling and out of rhythm. Another factor could be a lack of process. Where clear steps are missing, ministries can devolve into the Wild Wild West of recruitment efforts. However, there is another factor at play, one that is often overlooked: unhealthy underlying mindsets that hinder volunteer recruitment efforts. Here are three mindsets that may be hindering your ability to recruit volunteers.

1. The Maintenance Mindset

“I already have enough volunteers.”

This mindset occurs when someone operates within a volunteer team size they believe is adequate to sustain their ministry. Once they’ve hit their desired volunteer threshold, they close up the recruitment shop. This thinking initially appears practical, but it overlooks two ongoing realities in the life of a local church.

First, volunteer teams tend to experience attrition naturally, not addition. Volunteer teams never remain in stasis. Teams shrink because life happens. He moves. She needs a break. Therefore, if leaders are not continually pushing the rock of recruitment uphill, they will eventually be crushed by the growing needs of the ministry.

Second, a church may grow. If a leader is not recruiting for growth, the volunteer team is already not right-sized for future growth. The baseline shouldn’t be the current ministry but the anticipated growth of the whole church.

2. The Crisis Mindset

“There are more pressing concerns in the current season.”

Due to the pressures of issue X, volunteer recruiting is pushed down the list of priorities. To be fair, real problems arise in the life of a local church that require a shift in priority. However, in most cases, the “current season” talk can become an escape hatch that justifies why ministry recruitment is never a priority. The crisis mindset denies two crucial realities.

First, strong volunteer teams step up in times of crisis. Doesn’t a leader’s capacity to deal with a crisis increase with a stronger volunteer team? Additionally, consider how a crisis may be better handled collectively. Our volunteers are often smarter and more capable than we are, and they have expertise in a broader range of fields, which raises the overall intelligence of the team to better deal with crises.

Second, recruiting is inconvenient in every season! Is there ever truly a great time to recruit volunteers? No! It’s always a busy season! There’s always someone to care for. There’s always something to fix. Ministry recruitment occurs in the valleys of conviction, not on the hills of convenience.

3. Vision-Less Mindset

“I don’t want to burden others.”

This mindset is perhaps the most dangerous because it cloaks itself in a veneer of nobility. “I want to honor people’s time because I know they are busy.” But this sentiment often comes from a lack of conviction about one’s own ministry.

By saying, “I don’t want to burden others,” one may actually be saying: “I don’t really believe what I’m doing is very important.” The vision-less mindset denies two realities.

First, church leaders have a biblical mandate to equip God’s people for ministry. Ephesians 4:11-12 outlines the reason we’re in our roles—it’s to equip God’s people for the work of ministry. Failure to recruit, develop, and deploy is a heart issue of defiance against the gracious command of the Lord.

Second, God is already writing a development story in the life of every Christian. Every pastor or ministry leader can tell you about how they first started serving. They will tell you about how someone gave them a chance and how God used that to propel them forward in their discipleship journey. Why would the very ones who have benefited in this way then rob others of the same developmental opportunity?

Should pastors be mindful of people not burning out? Absolutely. It is essential for ministry leaders not to mistake church activity for spiritual growth. But it’s not our job to be the Holy Spirit for others or assume that’s what’s going to happen. We have the privilege of stepping aside, making the invitation, and letting the Holy Spirit do His job.

One of the best ways to invite your people into serving in your church is by making it part of your discipleship process from the start. That’s exactly what the Rooted experience helps church leaders do by introducing biblical rhythms of following Jesus, including serving, as foundational to the Christian life.

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The Top Ten Worst Church Guest Experiences

“Our church is really not for you.”

That was actually said to a guest by a church member. Not in jest. Not in passing. In all sincerity.

Unfortunately, it’s not the only instance of a church failing miserably to welcome someone new.

I’ve been fascinated by the topic of church guests for years. Maybe obsessed is a better word. I’ve written dozens of articles, led research projects, and gathered stories from across the country. Some of those stories are positive—uplifting, even. But others? They reveal a side of the church that’s hard to face.

In fact, one of my most-read blog posts—focused on how churches treat guests—has been viewed nearly one million times. It’s not viral because it’s funny or controversial. It’s viral because it hits a nerve.

So, I combed through hundreds of your comments and emails and compiled what I call the top ten worst guest experiences reported by real people in real churches. There’s no joy in sharing these stories, but there’s clarity. These experiences shine a spotlight on what must change if we truly want to be welcoming communities of grace.

1. “Our church is really not for you.”

A guest, visiting a church for the first time, was told by a member that she didn’t belong there. Why? Because she was Black. No one intervened. No one apologized. The church has since remained an all-white congregation, but it is declining rapidly—spiritually and numerically. The damage caused by that one comment cannot be overstated.

2. “You’re too late. You can’t come in.”

Two guests arrived late for a worship service. They were unaware that the church website had published the incorrect service time. When they finally found the right door, the ushers blocked them and told them the service had already started. They turned around and left, likely wondering why anyone would be so cold to visitors.

3. “We’re at capacity. You’ll have to leave.”

A single mom brought her four young children to church, looking for spiritual support and a safe place for her kids. But when she arrived at the children’s area, she was told the rooms were full—and that there was no room for her children. No alternatives were offered. She was sent home. Last I heard, she hasn’t returned to any church since. 

4. “That’s my parking spot.”

A guest attempted to park in an available space near the main entrance. Just as she was pulling in, a longtime member drove up, honked loudly, and told her the spot was his. The confrontation left her rattled. She drove off and never came back. To this day, that church member parks in the same spot each Sunday—alone.

5. “You’d be more comfortable somewhere else.”

A woman walked into church wearing clothing that didn’t match the unspoken dress code of the congregation. She was doing the best she could with limited means, but a member pulled her aside and suggested she might fit in better elsewhere. She never entered the sanctuary. Her only experience of that church was rejection at the door.

6. “Small groups are for members only.”

During a Sunday service, the pastor announced that the church’s small groups were exclusively for members. He stated clearly—and publicly—that guests were not allowed to join. Sitting in the congregation were several first-time visitors who had hoped to find a place to connect. Instead, they were shut out before they even had a chance.

7. “You’re in her pew.”

A family of six arrived early to find a seat together. They chose an open pew and settled in. A few minutes later, a longtime member approached and bluntly told them they needed to move. That was “her” pew. The guests quietly stood, walked out of the sanctuary, and didn’t return. The pew has remained mostly empty ever since.

8. “You’re singing too loudly.”

During a worship service, a guest was fully engaged—singing with joy and enthusiasm. A member seated nearby tapped him on the shoulder mid-song and told him he was singing too loudly. The moment crushed his spirit. He never returned, and that moment became his defining memory of that church.

9. “Let me tell you how terrible the pastor is.”

A guest, visiting a church for the first time, was approached by a stranger in the lobby. The stranger—who turned out to be a church member—immediately launched into a tirade about how terrible the pastor was. The guest didn’t know the member. He didn’t know the pastor. But he knew enough to realize he didn’t want to return.

10. Locked doors and no signs.

A single mom, struggling with three kids and carrying an umbrella, showed up in the rain for a Sunday service. She tried three doors—each one locked. There were no signs to guide her. Meanwhile, longtime members were entering through the one door everyone else “just knew” about. She eventually gave up and drove away, soaked and discouraged.

Final Reflections

There is no humor in these stories. Only heartbreak.

They’re not exaggerations or rare anomalies. They’re real accounts from real guests—people who took a chance on visiting a church, only to be met with indifference, inconvenience, or outright hostility.

These stories are painful to hear, but they matter. They reveal what happens when churches turn inward, when tradition trumps mission, and when “welcome” is just a word on a sign rather than a way of life.

Let them serve as reminders. As warnings. And perhaps most importantly, as invitations—to do better, to love more deeply, and to remember that every guest is a soul seeking a place to belong.

Let me hear from you.

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Reasons Why I Have Hope for the North American Church . . . and How You Might Regain Hope, Too

Somedays, I’m a pessimist. If I don’t monitor my own heart, I can quickly see the foreboding negative in a situation—even if my thinking is skewed. On other days, I’m an optimist when I keep my eyes on God who has a plan that He is carrying out for His glory. Today, I’m the latter as I think about the North American church.

I realize not everyone is in that camp. I, too, get frustrated when I see the lack of evangelism in the local church. I grieve when I hear another story of a pastor who has fallen under the enemy’s attack. It’s painful to talk to believers whose church experiences have left wounds and scars. I also share the concern about the large number of retiring pastors and the too small numbers of potential replacements in the future. I really do understand why our hope for the North

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The post Reasons Why I Have Hope for the North American Church . . . and How You Might Regain Hope, Too appeared first on Church Answers.

What Makes or Breaks Longevity in a Pastor’s Marriage?

There’s a two-decade-old, still quoted statistic that 50 percent of pastors’ marriages end in divorce. A 2017 Barna report said 10 percent of Protestant pastors have been divorced, but did not break out the percentage of those divorces that happened while in, or as a result of, the pastorate. Given more recent research that church-attending couples have lower divorce rates than the general population, it’s likely that pastoral divorce rates—if they ever were as high as 50%—have likely declined substantially. 

If there is any marriage situation that has more strain inflicted on it than a pastor’s marriage, I’ve yet to hear of it. The burdens pastors carry on behalf of their flock, the expectations placed upon them, and the sheer mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion have cracked or shattered the foundations of too many pastoral marriages. It’s a strategic area for Satan’s attacks. 

So, how can a pastor’s marriage last, and last with joy? Here are a few thoughts.

Stay on the same page.

I didn’t “answer the call to preach,” as we said it in my tradition, until after Sonya and I were married. We were still in our 20s with a young child, but I’d worked only in pest control, then overnight freight delivery after our vows. Thoughts of ministry were put away before we wed. 

When I announced that I was called to preach, she never questioned it. She, in fact, predicted it…sitting in the drive-thru at Dairy Queen. Hey, nothing like a little prophecy with your M&M’sTM BlizzardTM. 

Twenty years later, when we were discussing me resigning the pastorate in the middle of the financial crisis, she told me, “I wasn’t called to be a pastor’s wife; I was called to be your wife. Where God calls you, I go.” 

Being on the same page requires prayer, conversation, openness, honesty, humility, intentionality, and time. But it makes for a long marriage.

Always focus on each other.

Just days before I wrote these words, the now-infamous “Kiss Cam” shot of two co-workers wrapped in a very friendly embrace, went viral. To put it mildly, things are going downhill for them.

Pastors know too many stories like this. If it isn’t Kiss Cam, it’s a stray text message, a left-open email, or just plain suspicion. Emotional and physical affairs are real, and pastors are not immune.

If the first thing that happens leading to a pastoral divorce is forgetting your heavenly first love, surely the second is forgetting your earthly first love. (I’m using priority here, not chronology. Your 3rd grade Valentine probably isn’t the issue.)

Staying focused on each other requires a single immediate recognition—your focus has shifted to someone or something else—and a single immediate decision—to return your focus to your spouse. Focus is an act of the mind, the will, and the spirit. Make your spousal focus so intent and so clear that every possible distraction is out of focus by comparison.

The second you find yourself bringing something or someone else into focus, ask the Holy Spirit to refocus you on your first love.

Always nurture your physical relationship.

Several years ago, I developed a sermon series on sex. I won’t reveal the doesn’t-sound-as great-now series title, but the postcards sent to surrounding homes brought some unbelievers to check it out. 

In one of the sermons, I suggested that if you are married and too busy to have sex, schedule it on the calendar. “No,” I said, “it isn’t spontaneous, but at least it’ll happen.” The next week after the service, an 80-year-old man walked over and said, “It didn’t work, Marty.” “What didn’t work?” He said, “Writing it on the calendar.” “Did you try it?” “Yes,” he continued, “but I can’t get her to go in there and look at it.” 

Yeah, I laughed…a lot. 

I have sympathy with couples who are too busy to attend to their physical relationship, but I don’t want to enter into that particular suffering. I still believe married couples who are in Christ, unless inhibited by illness, inability, or distance, should not separate themselves physically except for times of prayer and fasting. Believe it or not, younger pastors, it requires as much as or more intentionality after 60-years-of-age as it did when your little ones ran you ragged; possibly for different reasons. 

Your physical relationship may eventually, for physical reasons, come to an end. If it does, you can still nurture your romantic relationship with great results.

Remember Jesus and his church.

Ephesians 5 is key: husband, love your bride as yourself and as Jesus loves and gave himself for his bride (vs 25–31, 33); wife, submit to and respect your husband as to the Lord (vs 22-24, 33); and both, submit to each other in the fear of Christ (v 21). 

It’s true there are marriages outside of Christ that endure. Not all 50th and 60th anniversaries are celebrated in the fellowship hall. But, for pastoral marriage to find longevity—and dare I say, joy?— remain focused on each other, stay on the same page, nurture your physical relationship, and keep Jesus and his bride as your foremost example of marriage longevity.

The post What Makes or Breaks Longevity in a Pastor’s Marriage? appeared first on Church Answers.