Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 12

Rest, Reflect, Renew: A Step-by-Step Guide to Planning a Meaningful Women’s Retreat

Springtime is often one of the busiest seasons for women’s ministry, but it also brings a unique opportunity to pause and reconnect. Planning a women’s retreat is a meaningful way to create space for rest, community, and spiritual renewal. Though the process may seem daunting, breaking it into manageable steps can help you craft a retreat that is both well-organized and impactful. Whether you’re a seasoned planner or tackling your first retreat, these practical tips will guide you every step of the way:

1. Start with Prayer and Vision

Every great retreat begins with a clear purpose. Take time to pray and seek God’s direction for the event. Consider questions like:

What do we want women to take away from this retreat?What are the spiritual, emotional, or relational needs of the women in our group?How can we create an environment that fosters rest, connection, and growth?

A clear vision will guide all your planning decisions and keep the focus on what truly matters.

2. Set a Budget and Communicate Dates Early

Creating a realistic budget is crucial to ensure the retreat is financially accessible and sustainable. Consider expenses such as:

Venue costs (church facilities, retreat centers, or rental spaces)Meals and snacks (maybe cut costs having them bring their own snacks)Speaker fees (if hiring an outside speaker)Materials for activities, decor, or giftsTransportation (Carpool or rental fees)

Once your budget is set, communicate the retreat dates as early as possible—ideally four to six months in advance. Use multiple communication channels—church bulletins, emails, social media, and word of mouth—to ensure everyone is informed. Early notice allows women to plan their schedules and budget for the retreat.

3. Pick a Theme

A strong theme provides focus and sets the tone for your retreat. While it may be tempting to prioritize a creative slogan or decor, remember that the primary purpose of the retreat is to engage with God’s Word. Start by selecting a passage of Scripture that aligns with the heart of the weekend. Let the Word of God be the foundation, shaping the theme and message. From there, you can build supporting elements like activities, discussions, and decor that reinforce the spiritual focus.

4. Select a Speaker Thoughtfully

Choosing a speaker is one of the most important decisions for your retreat. Consider whether someone from within your church community could share a meaningful message. Internal speakers can bring relatability and connection, as they understand the women in your group.

If you opt to hire an external speaker, look for someone whose message aligns with your theme and your group’s needs. Be sure to:

Research their speaking style and topics through videos.Communicate expectations clearly, including timeframes and honorarium.Pray for guidance in making the right choice.

5. Prioritize Balance in the Schedule

One of the most common mistakes in retreat planning is overscheduling. Remember, the goal is to create a space for rest and reflection—not to recreate the hurried pace of daily life. While it’s important to have structure, be intentional about leaving room for:

Quiet Time: Allow for moments where women can reflect, pray, journal, or simply sit with God.Connection: Provide opportunities for meaningful conversations and community-building.Flexibility: Include free time for women to recharge in ways that best suit them—whether that’s going for a walk, taking a nap, or diving into a book.

Striking the right balance helps women leave the retreat feeling refreshed rather than exhausted.

6. Gather Feedback

As your retreat comes to a close, provide a way for attendees to share feedback. What did they enjoy? What could be improved? A simple survey can help you learn and grow for future events. Don’t forget to take time to celebrate the ways God worked through the retreat, whether it was through big breakthroughs or quiet moments of encouragement.

Final Thoughts

Planning a women’s retreat is no small task, but it’s one of the most rewarding ways to serve the women in your community. With a clear vision, thoughtful planning, and a commitment to creating space for rest and renewal, your retreat can be a beautiful opportunity for women to step away from the busyness of life and encounter God in meaningful ways. Keep the focus on Him, and everything else will fall into place.

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Do Non-Religious People Grow Up Differently Than Religious People?

One of the most important debates in social science is nature versus nurture. We can observe all kinds of behaviors in adults, but trying to understand the series of events that led to that outcome is really difficult. In psychology, there’s something called “Trait Theory,” the idea that people are born with fairly stable dispositions. Things like introversion, extroversion, or desire to be in control are innate qualities of an individual. While circumstances can affect a person, you can’t make a shy person enjoy being the center of attention, no matter what happened to them in their formative years.

There is some evidence of a genetic component to religious affiliation. In a study of twins separated at birth, Thomas Bouchard found that about 50% of religiosity was genetically influenced, while the other half relied on environmental factors. But, as you might expect, this issue is more significant than a DNA

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Confessions of a Broken Pastor’s Wife: A True Story

I love the community that has formed on this blog. There are several of you who are regular commenters; you have become a part of this blog family, and I feel like I know you.

Some of you come to the blog in affirmation of what I have written. I am always grateful for such encouragement. But some of you disagree with me. I gladly post your comments for two reasons. First, I want to be fair to all who take time to read my blog. Second, I am wrong sometimes and need to be corrected.

How This Story Began

Sometimes, however, you come to this blog hurting deeply. You need a place where you can be heard, and you need a place where you can share your pain without fear of retribution. That is why I allow you to comment anonymously if you so desire. My only requirement is that you enter your legitimate email in case we need to confirm that you’re not hiding behind a fake address. But we will never publish your email address.

A few years ago, I wrote a post about pastors’ spouses and what they wish they had known before they became a pastor’s spouse. The article struck a nerve. Much to my surprise, I discovered a depth and breadth of hurt of which I was unaware. I was ashamed I had been so oblivious to this pain.

The Story of Good Pastors

Please hear me clearly: Most pastors are good pastors. Most pastors are good people. Most pastors are good family persons.

But some pastors forget their priorities. They neglect their vows to their spouses. They abandon their families under the guise that they are doing God’s work. I served as a pastor of four churches. There were times that I neglected my wife and my three sons because I justified my busyness as God’s work. I was wrong, terribly wrong.

The Hurting Pastor’s Wife

As my post on pastor’s spouses became a lively conversation, I was struck by one comment in particular. Indeed, I was almost brought to tears as I read it. Here are her words without any changes, additions, or deletions:

I wish my husband would have included me in his life to be his cheerleader. I wish he would have respected my calling and ministry. I wish someone would have told me that he was going to neglect me and forget about our dreams as a married couple. Now he lives for the church. Birthdays and anniversaries do not exist in this home. I’m tired of eating dinners alone and having anniversary trips canceled because he has no interest. What does he always tell me? Oh yeah, ‘The Kingdom of God is always first.’ Now even my faith in God is at question. How could God give me a husband who is a pastor and so easily live without me? I feel stuck in this marriage. I am unfulfilled as a woman, wife, minister, and mother. Everything he promised me he has broken. I wish someone would have told me it would be this way. Then maybe I would have paid more attention to my gut feeling!”

Wow. The pain is so obvious. The hurt is so deep.

The First Ministry

When Paul was giving Timothy the qualifications of the pastor/overseer, he made a summary statement in 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?”

Pastors often share with me the difficulty they have in balancing the priorities of family and church. But the Bible, through Paul’s words, gives us a slightly different perspective. Pastors are not choosing between two different priorities. Their family is actually their first level of ministry in the church. If they cannot minister to them well, they cannot take care of the church.

Pastors are pulled in countless directions. The demands and expectations are endless. But pastors, please don’t neglect your first ministry. Don’t neglect your family. Let every member of your family know how much you love them. Even more, show every member of your family how much you love them every day by praying with them, giving them time, listening to them, and demonstrating they are your first ministry in the church.

Satan would love to destroy your family. In God’s power, please don’t let it happen.

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12 Concerns and Burdens Church Staff Members Have Shared with Me

I most often work with lead pastors when I consult with churches, but I do spend time with staff members, too. I also have church staff members among my students at Southeastern Seminary. As I work with staff, here are some concerns staff have expressed to me over the years:

Lacking time with senior leadership. Staff often struggle when they have no more time with the senior leader than the typical layperson does. They often long for more one-on-one time.Lacking clear role expectations. Staff aren’t always sure what’s expected of them, even if they have a job description. They’re sometimes held accountable for more than what’s in that description.Having few friends, especially among other staff. Staff families seldom spend time together. Staff themselves are sometimes at odds with each other, especially in struggling churches.Living in a ministry silo. Others make decisions that affect their ministry without discussion or dialogue. Calendaring events becomes competition rather than cooperation. The silo gets lonely.Ministering with few funds. Some churches find salary money by decreasing ministry funds. Thus, they hire personnel but provide little money for them to do the work they are called to do.Perceiving they have no voice. Some staff believe no one in authority listens to their ideas or concerns. They eventually just keep their thoughts to themselves.Wrestling with their own calling. That’s particularly the case when a staff member has begun to feel a burden to preach more often.Having no “safe” place to be honest. I often hear these concerns of staff members simply because staff believe they have no other place to go with their burdens.Receiving poor salary and/or benefits. Some staff are struggling with paying their bills. They want to serve with joy, but the burden of taking care of their family is heavy.Desiring affirmation. Most staff appreciate a “pat on the back” occasionally. Even little gestures like a public “thank you,” a lunch invitation, a drop-by visit, or a small bonus can go a long way toward building a strong team.Competing for volunteers. Because most churches do not have a strategy to enlist and train workers, staff often compete for the same workers.Seeing and hearing too much. Too many staff members wrestle internally because they have listened to leader and staff language, overheard jokes, and watched actions that are less than Christian.

As you read this list, I encourage you to pray for your church’s staff members. If you’re a lead pastor, take some time to bless your staff today.

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Five Reasons Millennial Pastors Are Not Moving to Larger Churches

They are the second largest generation in America’s history. At 74 million persons, they are only surpassed in size by the Boomer generation. Born between 1980 and 1997, they are shaping our businesses, our government, and our culture.

And they are shaping our churches.

As a Boomer, I remember well how pastors were viewed just a few decades ago. In the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s, the “successful” pastors made it to large county seat churches. In the 1990s and early 2000s, the measure of success was leading larger churches in general.

The times they are a’changin’ (Bob Dylan for the uninformed).

To be sure, there are still Millennial pastors moving to larger churches. And these leaders are not averse to megachurches.

But more Millennial pastors sense God’s call to the smaller and mid-size churches. Why has their attitude been so different from their predecessors? I asked a number of Millennial pastors, and here are five of the responses they gave me.

They want to invest their lives in a community. The Millennial pastors, as a whole, are highly community focused. It takes several years to get to know a community and to be embraced by the community.They want more stability for their families. To be fair, these leaders will not deny a call to another community or even another country if they sense God’s call in that direction. But any move has to be convincing, convicting, and compelling. I know. I moved my family four times in ministry. I am not sure I followed God as much as my own selfish ambitions.They don’t measure ministry success and fulfillment by numbers and size. Another caveat is in order. These Millennial pastors do indeed desire to reach more people. They truly want to make more disciples. But their worth and esteem are not measured by “nickels and noses.”They are financially locked into their homes. Many Millennial pastors bought their homes when prices and mortgage rates were much lower. Even though they could sell their homes at a gain, they would have to put all of their gains into their next home, which is now higher priced. And most of them would have to pay a higher mortgage rate and, thus, have higher monthly payments.They are leading church revitalization. They are sufficiently wise to understand that the turnaround of a declining established church is a long-term endeavor. They are willing to make such commitments to win trust and lead revitalization.

As with any generation, we must be careful with generalizations. There are always exceptions and differences. But, as a rule, Millennial pastors have a much longer-term perspective on church tenure. And they see their ministries fulfilled by lives changed and communities impacted. If the result is a larger church, they are fine with it. But numbers and size are not their measures of success, contentment, or obedience.

Let me hear from you. What do you think of these five reasons? What would add?

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Why Church Attendance Is the Best Thing for Your Marriage and Family

If you read any of my books or articles over the past few decades, you know I have a very high view of the local church. In my writings and presentations, I consistently remind people that, from Acts 2 to Revelation 3, the Bible is about the local church, written to the local church, or written in the context of the local church.

If God through His Word considers the local church important, then we must also give it the same priority in our lives.

However, a light bulb went on several months ago when I was doing the research and writing for my next book, The Anxious Generation Goes to Church (to be released in August 2025 from Tyndale). I was both amazed and encouraged to learn how much the non-Christian world wants local churches to be healthy. At least intuitively if not explicitly, the unchurched world understands the

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Why Don’t Pastors Use All Their Vacation Days?

About half of all American workers do not take all their allotted paid time off—the reasons why are relatively consistent across socioeconomic and demographic lines.

Half (52%) feel they don’t need the vacation time.Half (49%) are worried they would fall behind at work.A little less than half (43%) say they would feel bad about giving their co-workers additional work.

What about pastors? Few pastors use all their vacation days. One-third of the pastors say they always take fewer vacation days than the church permits.

How much vacation does a pastor receive? In an informal poll, we found nearly half of all pastors have two weeks or less of paid time off. Many pastors do not receive much vacation time, and then they don’t even utilize it!

None to 1 week (21%)2 weeks (28%)3 weeks (14%)4 weeks (25%)5 or more weeks (12%)

Some denominations do a better job than others in codifying vacation policies, but the reality is that far too many pastors simply are not taking advantage of this time away.

The pattern among pastors mirrors the general workforce in America. They are not getting the downtime they need, and those who have it are not taking it. Healthy patterns of rest are necessary for longevity. The expectation of 24/7 availability adds even more stress on pastors.

What are some of the reasons why pastors do not use their vacation days? I recently asked a few pastors in our online community, Church Answers Central, and on social media. Many clear themes emerged.

Constant interruptions occur while on vacation, so it’s not worth the effort for shorter trips.Some pastors find it a challenge to coordinate with a spouse’s work schedule.A few pastors mentioned their churches are generous with vacation days, and they do not need all the days every year. This group was the minority, but it was good to hear from some who received what they needed.Co-vocational pastors must figure out how to be away from two job responsibilities.Some full-time pastors field complaints from their churches over vacation, so they simply skip them.Other pastors know the power vacuum caused by their absence could result in the wrong people trying to leverage power in the church (Yes, it can happen during a one-week vacation!).Missing a Sunday is too much of a hassle, and the energy spent finding fill-ins is more than what is gained through a short vacation.Extended vacations are not even a possibility for many pastors. Missing two Sundays in a row can be problematic.

Like many professionals, pastors often struggle to take full advantage of their vacation days. The challenges they face—from constant interruptions to the difficulty of finding coverage—highlight the unique pressures of pastoral ministry. Churches and pastors must prioritize creating realistic systems and supportive environments that encourage healthy rhythms of work and rest. When pastors take their well-deserved time off, they benefit personally and model the value of Sabbath rest to their congregations, fostering a healthier church community overall.

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When Waiting on God is Really Hard

When I became a believer at age 13, my pastor told me to begin praying for my parents to become believers. I followed his direction, and I started praying that God would save my mom and dad. 

Frankly, God took His time. 

My dad turned to Christ when he was 71—36 years after I began praying for him. God dramatically changed my dad (so much so that we weren’t always sure he was the same person!), but it still took more than three decades for God to answer my prayer. 

My mom took even longer. Eleven years after God saved my dad, my mom turned to Christ at age 79. She lived only six months longer, but she, too, was unbelievably different after her conversion. Still, God listened to my prayers for 47 years before He answered them. 

At the time of mom’s conversion, I said more than once to others, “When God finally answers your prayers, you don’t worry about the delay anymore.” And, I still stand by that statement today. When I knew both my parents had met Jesus, it didn’t bother me that God took decades to answer my prayers. I simply praised him for what He had done in His timing.   

Now that you know some of my story, you would think that I no longer get stressed when God seems to take His time in responding to my prayers. If anybody knows better by experience, I should be that person. After all, I lived what I’ve just told you. 

Still, though, I struggle at times. I have an older sister and a buddy I love like a son for whom I’ve been praying 50+ years and 14+ years, respectively. Every day, I plead with God to save them.

Every day. For years. Decades even. And each day, I learn through my sometimes-weak faith more about waiting on God—and more about me. 

I’m learning in my waiting that nothing I’ve done or earned can change hearts. I may have a PhD in Evangelism and Church Growth (earned under my supervising professor at that time, Dr. Thom Rainer), and my title may be “Senior Professor of Evangelism and Missions,” but none of that matters right now. Only God can move a heart to turn to Him—and He does so in His time. The meantime as I await God’s response is a learning time for me. If you’re waiting for God to answer a prayer, too, I trust He is teaching you something in your meantime.I’m reminded daily that God’s calendar is not my calendar. What seems like a long time to me is hardly long for an eternal God. He is never hurried nor late, never worried nor uncaring, never unaware of my concerns nor not sovereign over all of them. We wait now, but God controls the calendar and the clock. He answers us at precisely the right time according to His perfect plan, not according to our imperfect one. The bottom line is this: God is faithful and right in all that He does, regardless of His timing. I’m still learning to trust God based on what I do know about Him rather than worry about His timing I don’t know.  I’m learning what fasting is all about. John Piper concludes that “Christian fasting, at its root, is the hunger of a homesickness for God.”[i] It is a longing for God to make Himself known more than anything. Again, Piper’s words convict me: “If you don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”[ii] When I truly want God to do the great work of saving my sister and my friend—so much so that the temporary pleasure of food loses its power—the discipline of fasting makes sense to me. Waiting still hurts, but I can do it prayerfully with hope and anticipation.I’m being stretched to trust God all the way to death. In the musings of a man growing older, I’ve come to realize that I may die with prayers yet unanswered. It’s possible I may go home to heaven still longing for God to draw my loved ones to Him. I desperately want Him to answer my prayers while I’m here, but He may not—for now. My death, though, would not preclude God’s answering my prayers when I’m already in heaven. I should be able to die with waiting faith then because I’ve learned to live with waiting faith now. My trust should be both present tense and future tense; that is, it should be “the reality of what we hope for . . . the evidence of things we cannot see” (Heb 11:1, NLT).

I’ve learned, but I’m still learning when waiting’s hard. How about you? Have you been waiting on God a long time? If so, let us know—our Church Answers family would be honored to join you in prayer.

 

[i] John Piper,  A Hunger for God: Desiring God through Fasting and Prayer. Good News Publishers. Kindle Edition, Kindle loc. 93.

[ii] Piper, Hunger, Kindle loc. 229.

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Why a Pastor Did Not Survive a Difficult Church: An Interview

There are great rewards in the pastoral call. And there are times that there is great pain. In this article, I have asked a pastor to share his experiences in a difficult church, one where he eventually left under pressure. I wrote the interview verbatim while allowing the pastor to remain anonymous. 

Thom: As much as you feel comfortable, will you share with us the story of your church? 

Pastor: For starters, every church is a difficult church on some level.  After all, they are filled with fallen sinners and led by fallen sinners!  The situation that prompted me to agree to this interview was a situation in which I was called to lead a church that faced a number of challenges, some of which I was ill-equipped to lead them through, others which the congregation (from my perspective) was unwilling to address.  

Like many churches, my situation was comprised of factionalism, resistance to change, too much debt, a history of conflict, divisiveness, and short pastoral tenure.  Each of those issues presents a challenge to pastoral ministry and leadership.  When they are coupled with other problems, they can be overwhelming.  

In addition to inheriting a church with a host of issues, I also inherited a church with tremendous administrative demands, which was a major area of weakness for me.  My administrative shortcomings (which I have since addressed in significant ways) actually made my situation worse.  I found it challenging to stay on top of issues, keep everyone informed of changes, cast vision, and motivate ministry teams to pull in the same direction in ministry in a church that size.  In a typical church, I might have overcome those issues in time to grow into the pastor this church needed.  Given the lack of general church health and specific challenges this church faced, my lack of administrative expertise proved to be a significant hurdle. 

In addition to my church’s history and my own shortcomings, there was one key event that produced more significant conflict within the church early in my tenure that seemed to solidify a couple of key groups in their opposition to my ministry.  It was a church discipline issue that presented itself six weeks after I arrived at the church.  This issue was not a minor case of disagreement, one in which I could bide my time and slowly bring the church along.  It was a significant issue of sexual sin that was exposed in a very public way.  To refuse to address it would have meant a blatant disregard for Scripture and would have given the appearance that our church condoned the actions of the individual in question.  In calling our church to pray for the repentance of the individual in question (without naming the person) and discussing what would happen should the person not repent, I started a firestorm of controversy and complaints that lasted until the day I left (I literally received email complaints about my handling of the situation four years after the fact). 

This church had never discussed church discipline in her history, a fact confirmed by many longstanding members.  The shock of such a discussion apparently encouraged several influential members to dig in their heels in opposition to my ministry.  One man personally voted “no” for every item that came up in a business meeting after that event just to make a point.  Another member told me he made a point to stand up and vote “yes” triumphantly in the very first business meeting after my departure!  Another lady made a point of shouting, “Praise God!” when I announced my resignation from the pulpit.  It was a challenging church, to say the least. 

Thom: How long were you in this ministry when you discovered it would be a problematic church? 

Pastor: I discovered soon after I arrived that it was going to be a much more difficult church than I had imagined.  When I was a candidate for this church, I was told by numerous individuals that it was a great church with tremendous potential and that it just needed a few programmatic tweaks before seeing some significant growth.  Six weeks after I arrived, the unavoidable church discipline situation presented itself, which revealed just how many difficulties I would face.  From that point forward, it never ceased to amaze me the lengths some folks would go to in an effort to criticize me over minor issues.   

Thom: What are some of the signs that let you know it would be a challenging ministry? 

Pastor: This question is, unfortunately, too easy for me to answer.  I have personally counseled scores of pastors in difficult situations.  There is a common challenge that presents itself in these types of churches.  A truly difficult church, in my opinion, is marked by factions that care more about their vision for the church than obedience to Scripture and individuals who will attack a pastor personally in an effort to protect their desired direction for the church.  I know from personal experience that I am not the only pastor who has been falsely accused of issues in an effort to convince others it was time for a change in leadership.

Thom: What was the final issue that caused you to resign? 

Pastor: It was not a single issue. The cumulative effect of many issues took its toll on my wife and me. It got to the point where I received opposition to anything I led or suggested. More and more church members began criticizing my sermons to the point where I was paranoid about saying almost anything. 

Thom: What were some key lessons you learned from this difficult experience? 

Pastor: First, I needed to ask a lot more questions before I accepted the call to the church. I take part of the blame for my failure to learn about the challenges of this church. Second, I should have developed some key allies and supporters before tackling such a divisive issue. I knew I could not wait too long, but I really moved right into the problem without the support I needed. Finally, I know I did not pray enough during this time. I let my emotions control me rather than the Holy Spirit.

Thom: Do you think you could have survived the church if you had heeded these lessons from the onset? 

Pastor: Sadly, no. After we left, we heard from other members and pastors about the toxic nature of this church. The church was half its size within two years after we left. It’s been four years now, and I’ve heard from current and former members that they are considering closing the church. It is a sad story indeed. 

What do you think of this story? Do you have similar experiences? How can we help pastors who are going through such difficult times?

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How to Do Proper Exit Interviews When Church Staff Leave (Plus Downloadable Guide)

The personnel committee gathered for their monthly meeting. As the lead pastor walked into the room, he could feel the tension. The group was too quiet, and every eyeball followed the path to his seat. 

They started with a prayer as usual, but as soon as amen was said, one of the members released the pressure, “Pastor, why did Jeremy leave our church?”

“Well, God called him to another church.”

The pastor was slightly confused why everyone seemed stressed about the student pastor’s departure. 

“I know where he went. I want to know why he left.” 

Apparently, God’s calling was not a sufficient answer. In this case, the personnel committee member had a point. The church was unified. The lead pastor was long-tenured and well-respected. The student pastor had done an incredible job growing the middle and high school ministries. From the church’s perspective, everything was clicking. Why would someone

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