Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 338

Confessions of a Broken Pastor’s Wife

I love the community that has formed on this blog. There are several of you who are regular commenters; you have become a part of this blog family, and I feel like I know you.

Some of you come to the blog in affirmation of what I have written. I am always grateful for such encouragement. But some of you disagree with me. I gladly post your comments for two reasons. First, I want to be fair to all who take time to read my blog. Second, I am wrong some of the time and I need to be corrected.

How This Story Began

Sometimes, however, you come to this blog hurting deeply. You need a place where you can be heard, and you need a place where you can share your pain without fear of retribution. That is why I allow you to comment in anonymity if you so desire. My only requirement is that you enter your legitimate email in case we need to confirm that you’re not hiding behind a fake address. But we will never publish your email address.

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about pastors’ wives, and what they wish they had known before they became a pastor’s wife. The article struck a nerve. Much to my surprise, I discovered a depth and breadth of hurt of which I was unaware. I was ashamed I had been so oblivious to this pain.

The Story of Good Pastors

Please hear me clearly: Most pastors are good pastors. Most pastors are good people. Most pastors are good family persons.

But some pastors forget their priorities. They neglect their vows to their spouses. They abandon their families under the guise that they are doing God’s work. I served as a pastor of four churches. There were times that I neglected my wife and my three sons because I could justify my busyness as God’s work. I was wrong, terribly wrong.

The Hurting Pastor’s Wife

As my post on pastor’s wives became a lively conversation, I was struck by one comment in particular. Indeed I was almost brought to tears as I read it. Here are her words without any changes, additions, or deletions:

I wish my husband would have included me in his life to be his cheerleader. I wish he would have respected my calling and ministry. I wish someone would have told me that he was going to neglect me and forget about our dreams as a married couple. Now he lives for the church. Birthdays and anniversaries do not exist in this home. I’m tired of eating dinners alone and having anniversary trips cancelled because he has no interest. What does he always tell me? Oh yeah, “The Kingdom of God is always first.” Now even my faith in God is at question. How could God give me a husband who is a pastor and so easily live without me? I feel stuck in this marriage. I am unfulfilled as a woman, wife, minister, and mother. Everything he promised me he has broken. I wish someone would have told me it would be this way. Then maybe I would have paid more attention to my gut feeling!

Wow. The pain is so obvious. The hurt is so deep.

The First Ministry  

When Paul was giving Timothy the qualifications of the pastor/overseer, he made a summary statement in 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?”

Pastors often share with me the difficulty they have in balancing the priorities of family and church. But the Bible, through Paul’s words, gives us a slightly different perspective. Pastors are not choosing between two different priorities. Their family is actually their first level of ministry in the church. If they cannot minister to them well, they cannot take care of the church.

Pastors are pulled in countless directions. The demands and expectations are endless. But pastors, please don’t neglect your first ministry. Don’t neglect your family. Let every member of your family know how much you love them. Even more, show every member of your family how much you love them every day by praying with them, giving them time, listening to them, and demonstrating they are your first ministry in the church.

Satan would love to destroy your family. In God’s power, please don’t let it happen.

The First 100 Days in a New Job — Rainer on Leadership #018

Podcast Episode #018

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We hear the phrase most often associated with political offices, but the first 100 days in a new job are extremely important to the rest of your employment. You can learn so much about an organization, the expectations others have of you, and hopefully gain advice that will help prevent potential issues in the future. So in this week’s episode, Jonathan and I review a recent blogpost talking about a pastor’s first 90 days and expand on it while also relating it to secular employment. My nine steps were:

Spend significant time in the Word for your sermons. (Obviously this applies more to the pastorate, but time in the Word is still important for Christian leaders.)
Listen.
Be visible.
Be accessible.
Find low-hanging fruit.
Learn the powerbrokers. 
Go into the community.
Express your enthusiasm about being their pastor.
Don’t speak badly about your previous church. 

Episode Sponsor

This week’s podcast is brought to you by the HCSB Bible. Taking into account the significant advancements in scholarship, translation theory, and contemporary English usage, the HCSB will satisfy both those new to the faith and seasoned scholars. Visit HCSB.org for more information.

Feedback

If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free autographed copy of I Am a Church Member.

Friday Is for Freebies: Telling God’s Story

My giveaway this Friday is a King James Version Study Bible and Telling God’s Story.

2011 marked the 400th anniversary of the King James Version of the Bible, a landmark that gained worldwide media attention and researched estimates that more than one billion copies of KJV editions have been sold to date. This KJV Study Bible features 15,000 study notes, 141 photos, 62 timelines, 59 maps, 40-page concordance, 20 articles and essays, 16 illustrations and reconstructions, 15 charts, and a helpful glossary of 17th century expressions relative to the KJV’s signature phrasing. Other details of the KJV Study Bible include a two-column text setting, center-column cross references, the words of Christ in red, one- and three- year Bible reading plans, a notes section, four-color presentation page, and two-piece die-cut gift box.

Also included is Telling God’s Story, a new book from Preben Vang and Terry Carter. This book looks closely at the Bible from its beginning in Genesis to its conclusion in Revelation, and bridges the gaps for those whose Bible knowledge is in random order. Ideal for classroom study, it features supporting charts, photographs, and illustrations.

To enter the giveaway, tell us if you had to pick a vacation spot, would it be the mountains or the beach.

The deadline to enter is midnight CDT this Saturday. We will draw one winner from the entries on Monday morning.

By entering, you acknowledge and accept the terms of the promotion.

Notable Voices – August 15, 2013

Seven Expectations of Every Church Member — Sam Rainer

A new member class should communicate three simple keys about your church: information, doctrine, and expectations. Information and doctrine can vary from church to church depending on your size, model, and denomination, but these seven expectations fit almost every church.

 

Writing and Speaking for Introverts — Chris Guillebeau

Chris, an introvert like me, shares how he has learned to adapt and overcome to share his message with wider audiences.

 

Seminary Wives: 10 Encouragements for the Journey — Melissa Kruger

Schools and colleges are starting up around the country. In fact, I was in North Carolina earlier this week leading a seminary faculty workshop as they prepared to start classes. Melissa provides some encouragement for seminary wives as the fall semester kicks off.

 

7 Surprises Since Becoming a Pastor — Ron Edmondson

Since Ron came into the pastorate later in life, his perspective is different than most and something we can learn from. In this post, he shares seven things that have surprised him since he has become a pastor.

 

How Does a Pastor Conduct the Funeral of Someone He Did Not Know? — Brian Croft

Conducting a funeral for someone you don’t know is one of the hardest things a pastor does. Brian has some practical advice for how to handle such a difficult situation.

Seven Helpful Hints for Pastors Who Have Blogs

In an earlier post, I strongly urged pastors to write a regular blog, and I offered seven reasons why they should. In this post, I provide seven hints that I hope will help the pastor develop a regular routine of communicating to the congregation and beyond through blogging.

Have someone proofread every post you write. I am grateful for the growth of this blog. We now have over 2 million views a year. In addition, I have written several books and countless magazine and journal articles. Guess what? I make mistakes every time I write. That’s why I have two good proofreaders checking my posts every day. Your writing says a lot about you. Don’t say it with typos and grammatical errors.
Ask your church members what they would like to hear from you. Your members and readers are your best source of ideas for content. Ask them in formal and informal settings. Thank them in your blog posts for giving you the idea to write on particular topics.
Set aside time on your calendar to write. Determine how long it will take you to write 400 to 800 words. Then put that time on the calendar so you can be intentional and methodical in writing your posts.
Do not violate the privacy of conversations. You are the recipient of many confidential conversations. Don’t violate that trust on your blog. Don’t even be tempted to disguise names to share confidential information. You can lose your trust quickly.
Ask the congregation often to visit your blog. Let them know that is where you will be sharing much information from your heart and your head. Be redundant in asking them to take a few minutes each week to read your posts.
Acknowledge people on the blog. Who doesn’t like to be recognized for doing something well? The pastor’s blog is a great place to offer the rewards of gratitude and encouragement. If you write just one post a week, you have the opportunity to encourage church members 52 times a year.
Speak of your love of your church often. Pastors are shepherds who are called to love the flock unconditionally. Use your blog as a forum to demonstrate and articulate that love.

What hints would you add to this list? How does your pastor communicate through blogging? By the way, the body of this post is only 412 words long. It really is not that time consuming.

Eight Confessions of Church Spies

By Chuck Lawless

Have you ever thought that a guest at your church might, in fact, be a spy? My church consulting company uses church “spies” to help us evaluate how churches respond to guests. Our spies are “good” spies, though, since their goal is to help a church face reality and move toward health.

Numerous spies have written us reports for more than a decade. Below are some of the most common findings they have sent us.

To be fair, the churches that invite us to work with them know they need help; so, these findings should not be entirely surprising. What concerns me is the number of churches who have not yet recognized that these findings characterize them, too.

1. Church websites are often outdated, boring . . . and useless. 

We typically tell the spy only the name of the church and the city, and we ask him/her to learn about the church first from the website. More than one spy has called us to say he cannot find the service times, isn’t convinced the map is correct (if there is one), called a phone number no longer in order, cannot determine the church’s basic beliefs, or thinks the church will be old and boring based on their Internet presence.

2. Churches are not friendly.

Our spies know to take note of how many people greet them apart from a time when the worship leader tells the congregation to welcome one another. More often than not, no one greets our representative before or after the service. Churches are friendly, but most often only to people they already know. I once served as a spy myself, and the church greeter escorted me to the “friendliest class in the church” – where not one of 60+ attendees spoke to me!

3. Church facilities are not generally marked well.

Church signs often have more cluttered information than a person can read when driving by. Guest parking – if any exists – is not apparent until an automobile is far into the parking lot. In larger buildings, which entrance is best to use is not clear. Signage inside the building is not helpful. In some cases, the church can be an easy place to get lost!

4. Churches aren’t prepared for guests.

Sometimes there is no guest parking. Often there is no welcome center (or there is a unmanned welcome center!). Our spies have attended churches with no means to secure contact information from guests. Some have attended small groups that gave our spies no study material for the day. I can count on both hands the number of churches that later followed up with our spies – who were, to the church’s knowledge, their guests.

5. Churches are poorly equipped for protecting children.

If our spies take their children with them, we tell them not to do anything that makes them wary in releasing their children to child care workers. If the children’s area is not secure, if the worker does not require needed information, or if our spies simply feel uncomfortable, they keep their children with them. That happens quite often.

6. Worship through music often needs improvement.

Our spies understand that churches have different worship styles, and they know to contextualize their assessment as much as possible. What we hear from them is that worship through music is often poorly done, regardless of style. Musicians have not practiced, lyrics are difficult to sing, and leaders lack passion.

7. Preaching is often weak.

This area is the most difficult to consider, as it’s often the pulpiteer who invites our team to help the church. Nevertheless, we speak the truth in love. Too many preachers neglect the Bible, misuse it, or quickly depart from it in preaching. Others somehow take the gospel and make it boring. We learn something when our spies report they would not return to that church in the future because of poor preaching.

8. Churches are not always clear in “what to do” in response to worship.

We ask our spies to do their best to think as the unchurched, particularly in trying to follow the direction of worship. Too often for my comfort, our folks reported they would not have known what to do if they wanted to follow Christ, join the church, or deal with a sin issue. I can only wonder if others left the same way.

If there’s good news here, it’s that churches can address these issues – but they must be honest first. If you want to take a risk, enlist a “good spy” to visit your church. Or, forward this blog to several of your church leaders, and ask them to evaluate your church’s health in these areas. Let us know what you learn.

Chuck Lawless currently serves as Professor of Evangelism and Missions and Dean of Graduate Studies at Southeastern Seminary.

You can connect with Dr. Lawless on both Twitter and Facebook.

Seven Reasons Every Pastor Should Have a Blog

The title of this article may seem both presumptuous and audacious. Do I really believe every pastor should have a blog? Yes I do. I speak to pastors in numerous settings, and I am able to share with them the benefits of such a discipline in writing.

Understand that writing a blog can begin simple with little time pressure. The pastor can commit to write 400 words a week in one post. I do recommend that the number of posts increase to at least twice a week later, but you need to start somewhere.

I think you will be amazed how much the blog benefits the church and your ministry. Here are seven reasons why it is so important:

Heavy doses of communication are vital in any relationship. This reality is powerfully true in the pastor/congregation relationship. Healthy churches have healthy pastor/members relationships. Healthy relationships are enhanced through ongoing communication. And the blog is an incredible way to communicate regularly. For this reason, I am very grateful for the Internet age.
The pastor is able to present those most important emphases or visionary matters. The sermon just does not allow sufficient time to do all the communication a pastor needs to do. If done well, the blog can serve as an ongoing forum for communicating the most important matters in the church and to the church.
No pastor can communicate with every member one-on-one. Church members can feel neglected if they do not get some type of communication from their pastor. Admittedly, a blog does not replace in person communication, but it certainly is better than no communication at all. I have heard from numerous church members who tell me that they really feel like they know their pastor through the blog.
A pastor can do pastoral care via the blog. One of the most powerful blog posts I ever read was by a pastor who ministered to the entire church after the death of three teenagers in a car accident. While he spent hours of in-person pastoral care with the family of the teenagers, many others in the church were hurting. He reached out to them magnificently through his blog.
A blog can be an outreach ministry. The first place a prospective guest visits is the church web site. That is why it’s mandatory for churches to have a quality site. If the church’s home page has a link to the pastor’s blog, many will read that article as well. Guests, both Christians and non-Christians, are more likely to visit your church if they feel like they know something about the pastor.
The blog can allow for expansion on the sermon. Most pastors preach around 35 minutes a week. That is an incredibly short time to communicate God’s Word. The blog allows for an expansion and more detailed communication of the sermon.
A blog is highly affordable. In fact, it can be free. There are no longer any financial barriers for any pastor who is serious about entering the blogosphere. It’s time for all of you to take that plunge!

Does your pastor have a blog? How often is it published? What is the nature of the content? What reasons would you add for pastors to write a blog?

Pray for Canyon Road Assembly of God

Location: Ogden, Utah

Pastor: Jeremiah Johnson

Worship Times: 10:30 AM & 1:00 PM (Mountain Time)

Fast Facts: Canyon Road Assembly of God church motto is, “a church helping families live real life in Christ.” They seek to accomplish this task through worship, community and service.

Please pray for them as they plan for a big day on National Back to Church Sunday, September 15. Also pray as they reach into the surrounding communities for the cause of Christ.

Website: www.canyonroadag.org

“Pray for . . .” is the Sunday blog series at ThomRainer.com. We encourage you to pray for these churches noted every Sunday. Please feel free to comment that you are praying as well.

Ten Things Pastors Like Most about Their Jobs

In a recent post, I noted the ten things pastors liked least about their jobs. Many of you responded via the post and Twitter with a great deal of affirmation. Some of you were relieved that you weren’t alone in those least liked areas.

In today’s post, I look at the positive side of being a pastor. Most of these leaders love their work and the churches they serve. So I took to the Twitterverse again with my poll question asking pastors what they like most about their work. Here are their top ten responses.

Seeing lives transformed. This response was an overwhelming number one. You could almost feel the enthusiasm for this aspect of their ministry as they responded. These pastors feel that God call them to lead toward transformation of others, and seeing that happen is their greatest joy in ministry.
Preaching. Frankly, I expected this response to be number one, but it was a distant second. Preaching is very important to these pastors, but transformed lives are the most important. Of course, some of them noted that preaching transforms lives.
Personal evangelism. Though distant to number one, sharing the gospel one-on-one was a clear number three. Here is a fascinating facet of this study to me: Over 85 percent of the pastors named one of these first three as their response. The next eight were named by less than 15 percent of the pastors.
The people/members. There is little doubt that these pastors love their churches and thus the members. Many of them exuded joy just by writing about the church members.
Developing new relationships. These pastors include a number of extroverts who really like to meet new people. We introverts don’t understand.
Ministering in the community. It was a joy to hear a number of pastors express intense love for the community where their church is located. I can only imagine their ministries are bearing much fruit.
Ministering to members. Though similar to number four, the pastors sometimes explicitly mentioned ministering to church members in times of need.
Casting a vision. The only surprise to me at this response was how low it ranked among pastors. I thought I would hear leading and vision-casting as a response near the top.
Staff relationships. Not all pastors have other ministry staff serving alongside them, but a few of them did express gratitude for those who do.
Mentoring or discipling one-on-one. This response was not a surprise except for how few pastors mentioned it. Since the first three responses dominated the poll, number 10 was almost an afterthought.

I would love to hear more from pastors about what they love about being a pastor. And I would welcome any comments from church members about what they appreciate most about their pastors.

The Pastor’s Work Week — Rainer on Leadership #017

Podcast Episode #017

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This week on Rainer on Leadership, Jonathan and I discuss a recent post I wrote on a pastor’s work week. I took a survey of my deacons when I was pastoring in St. Petersburg Florida back in the 1980s. I listed several congregational responsibilities and asked them to share the minimum amount of time I should average in each area each week. I listed about twenty areas; but they were free to add other responsibilities to the blank lines.

I’m not sure exactly what I was anticipating. I just know that I was shocked when I tallied the results. In order to meet those twelve deacons minimum expectations I had to fulfill the following responsibilities each week:

Prayer at the church: 14 hours
Sermon preparation: 18 hours
Outreach and evangelism: 10 hours
Counseling: 10 hours
Hospital and home visits: 15 hours
Administrative functions: 18 hours
Community involvement: 5 hours
Denominational involvement: 5 hours
Church meetings: 5 hours
Worship services/preaching: 4 hours
Other: 10 hours

Total: 114 hours/week

Some commenters on the post asked about another pastoral duty that was not covered in the survey: weddings and funerals. So in the podcast we touched on that as well as whether or not payments for those services should be included in a pastor’s compensation package.

Episode Sponsor

This week’s podcast is brought to you by Auxano and the Vision Room. VisionRoom.com is an online gathering of articles, tools and resources designed for church leaders like you who value vision clarity and want to live out that vision in meaningful ways. For more information visit VisionRoom.com.

Feedback

If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free autographed copy of I Am a Church Member.

Resources

Essential Church by Sam Rainer and Thom Rainer