Kent Wayne's Blog, page 15

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.    Get Weapons of Old here:  Weapons of Old  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1    [image error] [image error] [image error]

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the Christmas shit is happening, all you eager-beaver-receivers of beautifully wrapped presents who wake up extra early to see if you can spot Santa, only to discover a festive-colored, green-and-red, candy-cane-striped shit on the empty plate which once held your customary tribute of cookies, the feces is still wreathed in goddamn steam, which means—aHA!—you spot his ass poking from the bottom of the chimney, you run up as he booms, “HO HO H—FUCK!” because you’ve just grabbed his ankle, he shoots a Batman-style grapnel gun onto the skid of his sky-high sleigh, both of you go rocketing skyward and engage in a thrilling, 80s-action-movie-style fight where he tries to kick you in the face but you fend him off and climb up his pants, now you’re clinging to his corpulent torso where you feel a range of emergency equipment beneath his jacket, you reach inside, fish out a flare, crack it open, FSSSHHHH, then whisper in his ear, “Deck the halls, bitch…” before yanking down his pants, jamming it into his wind-reddened ass, and declaring, “with your motherfucking GUTS!”  His eyes widen and he screams, “You unbelievable BASTA—” but you’ve already let go and spread your limbs so you can surf through the air, right as the flare explodes (for no good reason) and paints the air with Santa’s organs, you plunge into a drift of massive snow and start laughing like crazy so you can uphold the glorious 80s-action-movie format where the macho-ass hero breaks out in mirth after an improbably violent series of events—

Good lord!  Why the hell would you sodomize Santa with an incendiary device, then laugh at him when it detonates in a ridiculously gruesome fashion?  That’s a GIANT overreaction to someone shitting on a plate! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Yet another weird ad for my novels

Occasionally, I’ll spot an article that details “the hardest jobs in the world,” and break out in despairing maniacal laughter.  I’m what passes for Kent Wayne’s brain—a literal hamster on a wheel that’ll live off cocaine if it ever becomes a viable option. 

You may be asking what’s so hard about my job.  Run on the wheel, flick a few dials, check out the monitors, and work that suspicious-looking pump in the far-right corner, the one that mysteriously appeared on Kent’s tenth birthday.  (What does it do?  I don’t have a clue.  But I pump that fucker on a daily basis, because I have no idea what’ll happen if I stop.)

Anyways, I digress.  The hardest part about being a brain hamster is—

“REEE!  REEE!  REEE!”  Red-light alarms begin flashing and wailing.  An automated voice declares, “KENT WAYNE’S PENIS IS STAGING A COUP.”

“Mother of FUCK!”  I scramble off my wheel and start swiping the air, conjuring a bevy of holographic layouts.  Data and imagery stream and combine, cueing me into Kent’s vitals and thought processes.

His penis curls up and points at his eyeball, filling a monitor with its giant dick-slit.  “You’ve lost, brain hamster!  I’m about to push Kent’s success rate past 70%, simply by texting my glorious veinage and girthy upcurve!  Enough of your ineffective conversational wiles—now is the winter of my discontent!”  The ocular monitors shift to a dating app, where Kent is swiping right like crazy.  It’s not really him—his consciousness is still deep in REM—it’s his traitorous fucking peen.

“No, you fool!”  I flick dozens of fail-safes, inundating Wiener with hormonal commands.  No dice—somehow, he’s locked me out of the parasympathetic bio-net.  “You don’t know how to finesse a woman!  They don’t appreciate a dick-pic until AFTER you’ve passed the safety check, made them laugh, and convinced them you’re not a drooling moron!  You can’t just—”

“Save it, brain rat!”  Wiener chortles like a cartoon villain.  “I’m gonna drown in mouths and vajeens!  MUAHAHAHA!” 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Every boner-killing construct in the history of Kent Wayne—oatmeal raisin cookies, culture wars, Karens, deep dish pizza—hits my womb-hammer all at once.  Wiener screams, “No—NOOOOOOO!!!!”  The coup de grace is Kent’s ex Irma Horfendorff, beamed into Wiener’s mind as a finger-wagging hologram.  She mercilessly berates him, screeching for more jewelry fashioned from diamonds.  He argues back with vehement force, insisting the Kimberley Process is a motherfucking joke—even if a clean one is mined from the earth, it still encourages mass exploitation because 90% of them are refined in Surat, where horrific working conditions make them into the equivalent of an actual fucking blood diamond.  It has no effect.  She raises her voice to a high-pitched keen, a glass-shattering frequency that makes his frenulum ripple and flare like the frill on the Dilophosaurus that ate Dennis fucking Nedry.  An agonized scream erupts from his dick-lips, harmonizing with her shriek in a dual-toned deluge of rage and pain.  At the same time, the air around him blurs and warps—her sonic attack could bring down armies, change the course of history, and banish Astaroth back to the Void. 

When it’s all said and done, he sags limply onto my balls, wreathed in smoke and moaning in agony.  After a second, he slowly turtles backward into the root, until he resembles a miniature pig in the blanket.

Ha!  That’s what you get, fuckwad, for throwing a coup against your betters! 

Kent Wayne’s Brain Hamster wins again!

Have your genitals overridden your hardworking brain hamster, and steered you onto the path of romantic catastrophe?  Never fear!  Buy my books, magically barrage them with anti-sex frequencies, and put them in their goddamn place!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the turtlehead is happening, all you arrogant fools who think you have the sheer force of will to deny your poop entry into the outside world and thus stare down at your anus with trembling lips, a sweat-soaked brow, and a livid stare where the veins on your eyeballs jump and twitch, you let out a strained HRRNNH as the turd slips out another millimeter, in response you curl your fingers and channel all your Force energy into \ telekinetically pushing it back in, just for good measure you start humming the soul-stirring Star Wars theme that plays whenever there’s something Big And Serious And Related To Destiny happening onscreen, the evil turd pushes out another millimeter, you pour it on with your Jedi powers but it laughs telepathically into your mind, the camera zooms into your pie-wide iris as you focus every iota of your entire being into holding it back my God things are tearing dimensions are splitting what the fuck have you done I AM BECOME DEATH DESTROYER OF WORLDS—

Just.  Take.  A SHIT!  Even Emperor Palpatine would be hard-pressed to hold back a toilet-crushing turd!  Goddamn!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series. #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperbackGet Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1      

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!      #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series. #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperbackGet Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1      

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!      #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Musings

I believe love for oneself means being willing to push others away. Not cut them off necessarily, but clearly communicating what isn’t acceptable. Ironically, more often than not, it’s done wonders for a given relationship. But if I try to keep a relationship through clingy appeasement, it typically fades due to increasingly begrudging erosion of tolerance, or the inevitable eruption where I’ve reached my limit. I’d rather just be upfront, lay down the boundary, and go about my day.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

My phone lights up, split-screening the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff.  Their four-star chairman barks, “Kent!  Get Chuck Norris!  We need him for a mission!” 

“Goddammit,” I grumble, slipping my dick back into my boxers.  “Was just about to start watching myfriendshotmom dot com.”

“You can bust a load after you’ve saved the world!  Hell, maybe even while you’re in the middle of doing it!  We pay you damn good money to keep on eye on his sanity—now get that karate-ape ready to go!”

“Fine, fine.”  Douchebags.

I walk into my garage gym, where shirtless Chuck Norris is wailing away on the heavy bag, screaming, “Pussy!  Commie!  Pussy!  Commie!” with each skull-crushing hit.  He yanks off his pants and launches into a series of butt-naked curls, staring intently at himself in a full-length mirror. 

“Kent!  What can I do ya for?  Have you come to learn some ancient karate?”  (He pronounces it super American:  kuh-RATTY).  “Yer people taught me—I owe them the skin off my well-shaven balls!”

“Uh…I don’t think they want it.”  I rub the back of my neck.  “And for the hundredth time, I’m Korean-American.  That has nothing to do with your martial arts backgrou—”

“Stop trynna confuse me with yer damn intellectual!”  He does a few more curls, grunts in satisfaction, and drops the weights.  CLUNK CLUNK.  “Whaddaya want?”  He turns around and puts his hands on his hips.

I shield my eyes from his old man scrotum.  “You can put on some pants, for starters.  Pentagon wants you on a short notice mission.”

“Hot diggity!”  He runs over to the fridge, yanks out a beer, and chugs it so hard that the veins in his eyeballs quiver and bulge.  “Aaaaah!”  He yanks out a six-pack and runs into the house, dripping sweaty ass juice all over the floor.  “Lemme rinse off!  Nothing better than a six-pack a’ shower beers!”

“Riiiight.”  I glance down at my phone.  “He’s gonna take a shower.”

“Bird’s on the way,” the chairman says.  “And tell him it’s time to put on his game face—he’s in for the fight of his motherfucking life.”

ONE HOUR LATER…

“I can’t see shit!” Chuck yells, leaning out from the helo skid.  “Where the fuck is this goddamn threat?”

“I don’t know!” I yell back.  “They just said get in the air and—”

“There!”  He points to our right, directing my attention toward a bunch of women raising havoc in the suburb.  Five are rocking a battered police car, a couple are feasting on desecrated bodies, while dozens run amuck through sidewalks and lawns.  Smoke trails rise from burning houses, water jets from broken hydrants. 

“Buncha middle-aged lady folk!  Ain’t no match for my blue-jeaned roundhouse!  Or my beautiful right fucking hook!”  He flexes his no-sleeve bicep (the rest of him is clad in tight eighties denim) and gives it a big ol’ tongue-slopping kiss.

I tell him to wait, we should gather more info, but he jumps off the helo and screams, “EEEEEEHHHHHH-HOOOOOOOOO!!!”  As soon as he hits the pavement below, he tucks, rolls, and surges up into an 80s martial arts stance—body bladed sideways, rear hand high and up by his collar, lead hand out and low for maximum cool points.

A second later, he’s swarmed by women.  He throws his trademark devastating roundhouse, but to my jaw-dropping surprise, it has no effect.  They quickly dogpile him and coat him in bodies. 

“Kent!”  He reaches up from the pile in sheer desperation.  “This ain’t no bunch a’ regular women—they’re Karens, goddammit!  Throw me your dick and pull me outta this shitshow!  I know you’re packing a fuckload of heat—I been sneaking a peek while you’re passed out in bed!”

What the fuck?  My brow wrinkles in consternation.  I shake my head, forcibly restoring my composure and focus.  The priority right now is saving his ass. 

“Here you go!”  I unwind my dick from around my thigh and throw it over the side of the helo.  Just as quickly, it shrivels back up into a frightened little nub.  Fuck, I should’ve known—girth and length have no power.  Not if I’m near a cock-shriveling Karen.

No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I fire my re-expanded wiener from the hip, blasting out smeg, bdick (a mix of butt/dick), and gag-inducing cum at the horde of Karens.  They twist and scream as their faces melt and their skin sloughs off and puddles on the ground.  Our pilot swoops in, Chuck grabs a skid, then clambers aboard as I fire-hose the street.

“Mission accomplished!”  Chuck gasps, clapping me on the shoulder.  “Can I have a turn?”  He glances at my piece and gives me a hopeful look.

“Nope.”  I keep blasting away, gunning down the last of the stragglers.

He clears his throat.  “Right.  Uh…after we get back, you wanna do some naked bicep curls and maintain eye contact in a full-length mirror?”

“Definitely not.”

“Whatever,” he mutters.  “Communist pussy.”

Kent Wayne wins again?  I think?

Has Chuck been overwhelmed by murderous Karens?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon the foulest secretions your body can muster, and fight off the horde while saving his ass! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the long-balls is happening, all my fellow old-testicled folks who look into the mirror with trembling lips and welling eyes as you see your nuts sagging lower day after day, suddenly you drop to your knees, clutch the air and bawl “WHY GOD WHY?”  Thugs bust in the door, turning your despair into sudden rage as you whip your sack around the first one’s neck, they choke and sputter as you kick your accelerating, fast-circling beansack right into the center of the second’s face, when he bumbles into the third you catch your balls, whirl em side to side like a kung-fu rope-dart, fling them into a pair of ankle-wrapping coils, viciously yank and trip em both, then while they’re unconscious you take their wallets, track down their moms, and seduce them into a bout of spider-monkey doggy where your stupid sexy balls bang mercilessly against their swollen clits—

That’s what I’m TALKING about!  See, having knee-knocking nuts doesn’t have to be bad!  Not only do they serve as lethal weapons, you can establish ultimate dominance by hammering the clits of your enemies’ moms!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

I’ve shifted away from associating abundance with time and resources, to associating abundance with infinite possibility. The idea that something good can come from something bad, that someone can turn mistakes into wins, and that a seemingly hopeless situation can resolve into unexpected delight.