Kent Wayne's Blog, page 11

Yet another weird ad for my novels

Wonder Woman taps a line of coke onto my wiener, snorfs it up, and yells, “Ah said GYATT DAMN!!!”  Lois Lane shoves her aside and taps a fresh line of snow onto the Widener (don’t judge—we all have a nickname for it). 

“WHOO!!!”  She drums my bare ass—pitta-pitta-PAP!  “BEST.  MAN WHORE.  EVERRRR!!!!” 

I grin at them both, do a little shake-a-shake-shake with the back end and front end (the simultaneous booty/wiener shake is always a hit) then—

Superman busts in the room.  “Diana?  LOIS???  He levels a quivering finger at me.  “You are FUCKING DEAD!”

Wonder Woman throws her lasso, binding him in coils of Themysciran magic.  “Whoa there!  We paid good money for this girthy piece of dick!  There’s no goddamn way you’re ruining our girls’ night out!”

“I demand trial by combat!” he rages.  His eyes glow red as he lasers in on me.  “Get ready to be torn limb from limb, you homewrecking shit!”

“I can’t fight you!” I protest.  “I don’t have superpowers!  How about trial by fucking?  Whoever satisfies a lady the most can—”

“THAT’S RIDICULOUS!” he screams. 

“Why is that ridiculous?”  Lois puts her hands on her hips. 

“Well…” Superman falters.  “You know I’m a good size, but—”

“Right,” Lois snorts.  She makes quote marks with her fingers.  “ ‘A good size.’  Nice one, Clark.” 

Wonder Woman stifles a laugh.  It comes out as a snort.

His eyes flare crimson as he swivels toward me.  “I am gonna—”

“Whoa!”  I raise both hands.  “How about a literal pissing contest?  I mean, that’s what we’re talking about here, right?  In the metaphorical sense, anyway.”

His eyes downshift to a sullen red glow.  “Fine.”

MINUTES LATER, BOTH OF US ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A PAIR OF URINALS…

Psshhh…got a steady stream going…think I have a good chance at winning this…

He peeks at my wiener, shakes his head in fist-clenching fury, and looks determinedly down at his inadequate peen.  “I will NOT lose to you.  You hear me??  NEVER.” 

Pshhhhh!

“Shut up and piss.”  I grit my teeth and focus on my wiener. 

PSSHH.

Pretty soon, we’re both hitting the home stretch.  PSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

As the last drops plink onto the porcelain, horror dawns across my face—I’m not gonna make it.  He’s going to win. 

Plip plip…plip…

“HA!”  Superman flicks his unimpressive penis back into his tights, and jabs a triumphant finger at my face.  “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!  GET READY TO MEET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MAKER!”

Holy FUCK.  There is no goddamn WAY I can fight off a buck-nuts Kryptonian.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Something rockets down through the ceiling.  Through the debris and particulate haze, I glimpse Martha Stewart kneeling on Superman. 

“You thought you could fuck with my favorite Man Whore?”  An evil chuckle.  “Nah bitch—he’s Dark Martha’s property.”  Her fingers tighten around his throat.

“How…how are you…HKKKK…”  His words fade into an agonized wheeze.

“People forget—I got convicted for insider trading and spent time in the big house.  You think I’m gonna focus on bitch-ass therapy?”  She chuckles again.  “I meditated on every way to kill and maim, while merging with entities from the unholy beyond.”

“Dark…Martha…”  His eyes roll back into his head.

“That’s right, fucker.”  She flings him into the air.  As he falls back down, she jumps and uppercuts him through his anus, splitting his body in two gory halves.  At the apex of her strike, she roars, “DARK MARTHA!” 

As I flee the bathroom, sobbing and blubbering, I wipe Superman’s blood and organs off my face.  Yes, I survived the pissing contest, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST???

(Cue the climactic part of the theme from Requiem for a Dream)

Have you lost a pissing contest to a god-like Kryptonian, and have no option but to unleash Dark Martha?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon her from the unholy depths, and get ready to witness her anus-breaching uppercut!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the anal tickle is happening, all you folks straddling the line between sexual adventurer and no-butt-stuff hardliner who now feel a pinkie-tip in the center of your dirt star, your partner raises an eyebrow, wordlessly asking you the crucial question, you decide what the fuck, why the hell not, you chomp down on a mouthpiece like Johnny Mnemonic before he enters the mind-baffling cyber-realm, take an aggressive series of bracing deep breaths, demand, “Do it—fucking DO IT!” prompting said pinkie to go three knuckles deep into your holiest of holies, you throw your head back and scream as the world melts around you, it’s like Neo disconnecting from the goddamn Matrix there’s heat death and fractals and the never-ending expansion of energy into matter RUAAAHHHHH—

Jesus Christ, calm the fuck down!  Buttstuff was old in the 2010s, there’s no need to act like it’s the goddamn apocalypse! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

My view of abundance is that it isn’t just about resources and time, but an abundance of possibility–I believe good can become bad, but more importantly, that bad can become good.

Practically, that boils down to staying present and open, so my creativity, imagination, and spontaneous inspiration can sync with my perception and plans. Instead of restricting myself with preconceived stories about how it has to be, or how it’s going to be, I like to remain conscious of potential and flow.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“I’m coming for you, Kent!  And hell’s comin’ with me!”  Chuck Norris glares at me through my phone screen, thrusts his hips and grabs his crotch, and throws me the finger before he hangs up

Fuck, what did I do???  I need to get out of here before—

He roundhouse-kicks through my fucking garage, crinkling the door and busting in like the Kool Aid man.  But instead of saying “Ohhh YEAH!” he points a finger at me and tearfully shouts, “It’s all yer FAULT!  You and yer sexy Chinese penis!”

“I’m Korean-American, actually.  Just because I’m—”

“SHUT YER SEXY CHINESE MOUTH!  QUIT MESSIN’ WITH MY DAMN INTELLECTUAL!”

I have no idea how to respond.  “Uh…”

“There’s nuthin’ left fer us eighties icons!” he rages.  “Back in my day, no one cared if you wet yerself when it was cold, ’cause you were trynna piss through three inches of winter clothing with a mere two inches a’ dick!”

I tilt my head in blatant skepticism.  “Uh…I kinda feel like people still cared.”

“SHADDAP!” he yells.  “Look at this—LOOK AT IT!!!”  He yanks down his pants and brandishes his wiener. 

I shield my face with an instinctive hand, but not before I spot the laser scope he’s attached to the shaft.  “It’s too small and weak to be accurate,” he sobs.  “Even with the laser, I gotta hunker down and halve the distance, so I don’t paint the rim with my old man pee.”

“What the fuck?!?”  I squint my eyes and extend both arms, using my hands to blot out his wiener.  “Couldn’t you just take a goddamn seat?  Maybe spritz it with a cleaner whenever you miss?  Hold on—”  I reach down to my sock and adjust the head of my womb-hammer.  “Ow, shit—sorry.”  I give a rueful laugh.  “Sometimes the dicklips nibble on my foot.  I got me an anklebiter.”

“THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!”  He zips his pants with a furious swipe.  “YER RUINING IT FER THE REST OF US!”

I shrug in defeat.  “I don’t know what to tell you—I’m a professional Man Whore.”

“That is IT!  Get ready fer yer soul to leave yer motherfuckin’ body!”  He roars in fury as he charges toward me.

FUCK.  There’s no way I can withstand his small-dick-powered roundhouse—that’s a lifetime of rage channeled into his foot.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Steven Seagal, the Grossest Man Alive, rockets through my roof like a goddamn meteor, dressed in a pair of yellow-stained whitey-tighteys.  Chuck Norris blurts, “What in the tar-fucking-NATION—” before Steven smothers Chuck with his grotesquely large, village-feeder man-teats.

“HELP!” Chuck screams.  “It smells like week-old bukkake!  I can’t—HRRMMMFF!”  The rest of his sentence is lost in Steven’s nasty chest hair.

“Every day, I eat several helpings of fermented sewer pizza,” Steven explains in his deadpan voice.  “That’s how I maintain a pungent body odor.  Care to smell?”

My eyes start to water.  “NO.”  I hold my nose and run like hell. 

Good LORD that is a horrible way to meet your maker!  Welp, that’s what you get, Chuck—keep your small penis fury to your goddamn self!

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

Have you been accosted by an aging overcompensator, intent on whooping your ass because of your beautiful genitalia?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon the grossest man alive, and destroy your foe with a dose of sewer pizza body odor!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the Dracula Dick is happening, all you broody handsome mofos who manage to honey-dick legions of folks with your broody handsome sexiness, only to be interrupted by a run-down Chuck Norris who’s desperate for attention and subsequently breaks into sobs while pumping out naked bicep curls, then switches to slugging a heavy bag while chanting, “I’m an American…ICON!  I’m an American…ICON!” with each resounding strike, you’re thinking how in the fuck do you get this washed-up karate champion out of your fucking house, he’s ruining your Dracula-style honey-dicking there’s no fucking way you’re ever gonna get laid this is SO UNFAIR—

And THAT, my friends, is why you don’t flaunt Dracula Dick in people’s fucking faces!  Pretty soon, some broken-down icon is gonna scare everyone away with a sorrow-filled breakdown!  Regular dudes can’t compete against broody-ass sexpots!  You know this—you KNOW this!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

I used to put great weight in originality, until I realized everything is original by default. (Even if there’s seemingly a repetitive event, nothing has occurred in the exact same universal configuration of particles and energy). So i shifted focus to whether something felt personally engaging–whether its tone and delivery sparked inspiration and resonance. Who cares if something is original, if it’s completely lifeless and devoid of spirit?

Maybe everything has happened before. Maybe it hasn’t. I’m not concerned. I’ll leave the tallying, scorekeeping, and justifying to someone more fussy.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“I said got DAMN!”  Taylor Swift looks down at me peeking up from between her thighs, beneath the edge of her boss-lady desk, and gives me a big-ass afterglow-smile.  “I swear—if we were smashing at your place, I’d be walking around in one of your t-shirts.”

I laugh nervously and rub my jaw.  “Thanks.  All in the day of a professional Man Whore.”  (Glad she finished—my tongue muscles were about to fucking explode.)

She stands up and inches her skirt back in place. “All right, get out of here before—”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?!”  Travis Kelce, in all his giant-headed glory, busts in her office and levels a finger at me.  “You are FUCKING DEAD!”

Taylor rolls her eyes.  “Could we not do this here?  Kent gives the best head around—it’s better than Dracula dick.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS DRACULA DICK???”

She sighs in exasperation.  “You know—when chicks are romanced by some dark brooding vampire?  It’s the absolute best.  But Kent Wayne…”  She kisses the tips of all five fingers, then spreads them in a chef’s kiss gesture of hearty approval.  “Fucking unbeLIEVable.  You…you’ve got caveman dick.”  She looks him up and down with a judgy once-over.

“Caveman dick is still pretty good!” he sputters.  “Come on, Dracula dick can’t be that—”

“Who wants to fuck Lothar of the Hill People?” she counters.  “There’s caveman dick—” she holds a hand by her waist.  “Dracula dick—” she holds a hand by her sternum, “and aaallll the way up here—” she gets on her tippy toes and extends a hand upward as far as it will go, “there’s Kent Wayne dick.”  She flaps a dismissive hand.  “Go watch something explode and chant USA, USA with your Neander-fuck friends.”

I shrug and give a self-conscious laugh.  “I mean…yeah.  I’m way better than Dracula dick.”

“Oh that is IT!” Travis roars.  “I’m gonna tear off your head and SHIT IN THE STUMP!”

Two hundred and fifty pounds of smelly cro-mag comes barreling toward me.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Against all odds, I achieve a pants-ripping boner.  Taylor grabs the shaft from behind and shouts, “Die motherfucker, die!” as if she was firing a machine gun and shooting 6-8 round bursts, using the time-honored catchphrase to measure the trigger-hold. 

Cum blasts out, stitching Travis’s face, neck and chest with viscous blobs of nasty-smelling goo.  “ACKK!  PHBBT!”  The last one flies right in his mouth, evoking a pained, “HKKKK!” as it clogs his airway.  He drops to his knees and clutches his throat, wheezing and gasping in sudden distress.

Taylor gives me a weighted look.  “Now’s your chance.”

I hold a hand by my waist and whisper, “Travis dick,” up by my sternum, “Dracula dick,” and then waaaaay way up above my head, “My dick,” while meeting his eyes.

Travis reaches for me, gagging and choking, but I’m already running out the door. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

Have you run afoul of Taylor’s Hulk Smash boyfriend?  Never fear!  Buy my books, shut him up with a magic barrage of cum, and make your escape while he’s gagging on your gametes!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the beast-jerk is happening, all you meat-slingers getting bizzy with your dickskinners (or as some might call them:  hands), and unleashing all manners of howls and grunts (come on—you know it feels better when you’re being loud) only to have your neighbors kick in the door because they’re afraid you’re being attacked by a gigantic hairy animal and blast your cock-n-balls with bear spray and tasers, while you’re seizing and shrieking a Bigfoot in heat who’s been attracted by your roars and yowls busts through the wall like the old-school Kool Aid Man and pounds its chest while sporting a two-foot erection covered in wicked spiny quills, holy FUCK you need artillery you need tanks YOU NEED FUCKING JETS AND HELOS—

And THAT, my friends, is why you shut your mouth when you’re jerking your wiener!  Anything louder than a quick furtive rub will attract heavily armed neighbors and mythical creatures!  Fuck!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

How much do I want to loathe and condemn, in search of an abstract promised land that hides behind unending problems, supposedly deserving of my unending hate?

I hope not as much as I want to be present, and framing our transient and mysterious existence as adventure, opportunity, and healthy engagement with growth and challenge. Because that’s how I experience the most fulfillment.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“Hey Kent, I’m the Bad Idea Fairy!”  A tiny flying humanoid (he looks suspiciously like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) buzzes by me.  “See that giant bubble circle?  Go ahead and fart through its center!”

I glance at the bubble circle, lying in a vat of iridescent bubble fluid.  “I don’t know…I just ate a ghost pepper burrito.  Not really sure if that’s—”

“Do it, you pussy!”  The Bad Idea Fairy pokes me in the eye (OW, FUCK!) then reaches in my nose and pulls out a shitload of unkempt hairs.  (JESUS H FISTFUCKING CHRIST!)  “I’ll throw in a membership to myfriendshotmom dot com.”

“You could have just led with that.”  I squint at him through my pain-blurry tears.  “Fine.”  I pull down my shorts, position my bunghole in front of the bubble-loop, and—

BEEEOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR

“It sounds like when Gimli blew the horn in Two Towers!”  I throw a panicked look at the Bad Idea Fairy.  “I can’t stop!  Tell me how to end this before—”

“See ya, asshole!”  He gives me the finger and disappears in a twinkle. 

ONE WEEK LATER…

Off in the distance, smoke rises from a dozen sites.  Wailing sirens ring through the air.  Marauders rummage through overturned cars.  Broken windows line the streets, an ugly testament to the collapsing social contract.  Hovering above it all is my unreleased fart, held in a flimsy, continent-sized bubble.

“Yeah…”  I hiss through my teeth as I study the carnage from my balcony.  “That didn’t end like I thought it wou—”

A Mad Max-style jeep zips through the parking lot.  Cyborg-zombies pile on top, then yank the passengers out and begin gnawing on their guts.  One of the cyber-zombies screams, “PRAISE ASTAROTH!”  Then it looks directly at me and projectile-vomits onto my balcony.

“Jesus!”  I run back in my condo before it hits. 

Seconds later, a shirtless Elon descends onto my balcony, cutting the throttle on his state-of-the-art jetpack.  He’s cradling Bill Gates in his left arm, Jeff Bezos in his right.  Both are clad in yellow-stained tighty-whiteys, suckling Elon’s prominent teats. 

“That’s enough—too much milk will make you sick.”  He pops the billionaires off his jubblies.  They snarl and hiss at each other.  For a tense moment, I’m afraid they’ll tear each other to pieces, then Elon reaches in his fanny pack and produces two sticks of meat.  “Human bacon—your favorite.”  Both moguls ravage their treats, moaning in undisguised carnal-sounding pleasure. 

“Uh…what the fuck?”  I cautiously eye the trio of billionaires.

“I’m gonna leave them here,” Elon explains.  “Then fly into that bubble and inhale that fart.”

“It’s a lotta fucking gas,” I say doubtfully.  “You sure you can handle it?”

“I have experience—been huffing my own brand like there’s no tomorrow.  But it isn’t enough; I need more.”  His gaze shifts up and out, toward the lingering fart-bubble.  “I have the weirdest boner right now.”  (Nasty.)  He grips his chest straps, looks me dead in the eye, and drops an old-school action-movie one-liner: 

“I live for this shit.”

Ker-SHOOM! 

Right before he pierces the membrane, he cuts his thrusters.  Then he extends four shiny rotor-tipped arms, and switches to a high-wattage quad-copter hover.  As he sucks in lungfuls of gas, his big-teated chest heaves and jiggles (gross).  He’s all about it, shouting stuff like “THIS ALL YOU GOT???”  And, “TASTES BETTER THAN MY STEPMOTHER’S CRACK-SEASONED ASSHOLE!!!”  (What?  And also:  gross).  Gotta give it to him, though, dude can huff a shitload of farts.  At this rate, he just might—

One of his quad-rotors shudders and whines, then erupts with a fountain of hot blue sparks.  Elon’s face twists with horror.  “CUT ENGINE TWO!  DEPLOY PARACHUTES AND QUICK-RELEASE COOLANT AT 3X PRESSU—”

KA-THOOM!!!  The fart kindles, engulfing the sky in nuclear fire.  Demon skulls rip through the air, trailing unholy energy as they cackle with glee.  A thousand feet up, the space-time continuum shits the bed, and gives birth to a swirling interdimensional portal.  In its widening rune-lined center, a gigantic hellish entity begins to emerge. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Time rewinds, to the moment before the Bad Idea Fairy drifted into my orbit.  Before it can magically fly up to Past Kent Wayne, I grab it in both hands, spike it into the unforgiving floor, and rain down a shitstorm of punches and kicks. 

It twitches spastically on the ground.  “How…how did you…” 

“Doesn’t matter.”  I pull out my cock, aim the head at its mangled face, and douse it with a stream of thick forceful piss.  “Ain’t no way I’m farting into another giant bubble.” 

Whew!  Close one!  Kent Wayne wins again!

Has the Bad Idea Fairy fooled you into kicking off the apocalypse?  Never fear!  Buy my books, use their reality-bending powers to rewind time, then stop that fucker before it all goes to shit!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing