Kent Wayne's Blog, page 18

Give my books a read and a review!

What the gluk-job is happening, all you lucky-ass recipients of a jackhammering mouth upon your peen, suddenly it gets WAY too intense and you’re like no you fool, you’re about to unleash my demonic aspect, but it’s way too late, hellish fractals open on your brow, your skin ripples and expands into an angry expanse of scales and sinew, giant bat-wings explode from your back and you take to the skies with a titanic roar, heavy metal begins playing out of nowhere, a sick-ass guitar materializes in your claws and you begin playing a super-aggressive electric riff—meh-neh-meh-neh MEH, meh-neh-meh-neh MEH—your eyes glow red and a mile-wide cone of white-hot fire erupts from your mouth and torches the surrounding land and turns nearby rivers into giant banks of steam—

And THAT, my friends, is why you take it easy on the jackhammer beej!  You never know when it’s gonna trigger an unholy transformation and turn you into a fiend that rivals Astaroth or Skhob!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

Eventually, with enough time on a designated path, I believe it will lead to the realization that one must blaze their own trail.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“What the FUCK?”  Timothy Chalamet shoves me with both hands, causing me to stumble a few steps back.  “Why the fuck are you even here???  This is reserved for top-shelf Man Whores!”  He flings an outraged arm, encompassing the entirety of the cruise ship.  Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, the Hemsworth brothers, and a bunch of other heartthrobs give me an evil-ass stink eye.

“You better back the fuck off, ratface.”  I level a finger at his unnaturally skinny mug.  “You don’t know what the fuck I’ve done to get on your stupid-ass ship.”

“Yeah?” he sneers.  “What have you done, asshole?”  He raises his voice, addressing the rest of his Man Whore compatriots.  “This nothingburger thinks he’s world class dick!  Newsflash, my guy.”  He leans in like a stereotypical villain/bully.  “Nobody knows who the fuck you are.” 

“I don’t have to prove myself to you.”  I cross my arms.  “But since you’re interested…”

***TWENTY YEARS PRIOR, WHEN I WAS JUST ANOTHER NO-NAME BIG-DICKED DUDE…***

“How are you feeling, Kent?”  Dr. Turner looks up from his clipboard.  Light reflects off his thick-lensed glasses, turning his eyes into glaring headlights. 

“Could you get your assistants to loosen these straps?”  I force a nervous laugh.  “This feels like the intro to a sci-fi horror movie.”  I flex my arms, but no dice.  They’re bound by thick leather bands, riveted into the cold steel table.  Same with my head—it’s trapped inside a thick notched restraint, fitted to a sterilized cranial sheath.

“I’m sorry, Kent, but we can’t risk you losing control.  The power unleashed will be nigh unthinkable.”

I close my eyes and whisper a prayer.  “Do it.”

Servos whine and snap into place.  IVs glow with neon blue fluid, filling my veins with cosmic energy.  The overhead lights flicker and whine, then burst into fountains of bright yellow sparks.

“SHUT IT OFF!” Turner hollers.  “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT IT—”  I can’t hear the rest, I’m screaming too damn loud. 

“NYAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!”

Then it all goes dark.

***BACK TO PRESENT DAY…***

Chalamet snorts in disbelief.  “They made your cum taste like CINNABON GLAZE?  Are you fucking KIDDING ME???” 

“It’s true,” Chris Hemsworth affirms.  “I’ve seen the reports.  Years of data, supported by multiple standard deviations that exceed statistical significance by an order of magnitude.”

There’s a hanging moment of weighty silence.

“But…”  Chalamet sags and clutches his head.  “If that’s true…”

“We can’t compete.”  Brad Pitt saunters forward, twirling a machete from side to side.  “If God existed, that’s exactly how it would taste.  Kent’s made us all obsolete.”

Gosling points and snarls, “GET HIM!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My ankle-length wiener springs from my sock and rips through my pants, expanding to a Godzilla-sized tower of flesh.  As it roars into the full moon sky, the air goes blurry, and the boat sloshes violently back and forth. 

The other Man Whores turn and run, but my wiener slashes downward, crushing Robert Pattinson, Chris Evans, and dozens of heartthrobs in a single blow.  As it raises up again, I see their pulverized bodies dotting its veiny underside.  Jason Momoa, whose lower body has been mashed into paste, croaks, “Killlll meeee,” before it comes down again, shattering steel and planking along with clusters of Man Whores. 

It snakes through their ranks, entangling scores of pop culture hunks, squeezing them like an x-rated oversized boa constrictor.  Harry Styles grimaces, baring his teeth before his eyes go red, and then pop right out of his overpressured skull.  At the same time, his head cranes back and a fountain of blood shoots from his wide-open mouth.  One by one, the others follow suit, marring the starry night sky with jets of ichor intermingled with organs.

That’s what you get, fuckholes, for hating on my Cinnabon-spurting upcurving dick!  Kent Wayne wins again! 

Have you volunteered for a cutting-edge experiment that’s made your cum taste like everyone wants it to taste, and now a bunch of hating-ass he-trollops are trying to kill you because you’re a goddamn sexual threat?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make your wiener into a Cthulu-rivaling destroyer of men and empires, and beat those fuckers into bloody-pulped oblivion! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  [image error] [image error] [image error]

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the cum-dagger is happening, all you gross-ass beasts who splooge into the same damn sock for weeks on end, until it resembles a mythical crystal dagger that unlocks the secrets of the universe when placed into a magical groove in an ancient temple, suddenly you hear a click downstairs followed by muffled whispers, the steps creak under several pairs of feet, your door cracks open and three hooligans enter brandishing guns, swearing up and down that someone’s home and they saw a light in your room, where the fuck could you be they just saw you a goddamn second ago, unbeknownst to them you’re spread-eagled on the ceiling, clutching your cum-dagger and staring down at their heads, the second one says it doesn’t matter where you went, there’s three of them here, you’re outnumbered and cornered, to which you rasp, “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here with ME!” then drop onto the closest one’s back and stab his eyes with your cum-dagger, as he’s screaming for his mom and clutching the air, you spin around, slice his partner’s throat, then jam the crusty sock into the last one’s mouth and whirl into a 540 jump-spin-hook kick, smashing the shit out of his jaw and shattering the cum-crystals in his mouth which causes his eyes to go red with burst blood vessels, as he drops to his knees you loom over him and declare, “Anyone home?  Guess not.  Light’s out, motherfucker.”  What do you know—hitting a double 80s one-liner that references the fact that they saw someone home and a turned-on light, combined with a dose of cartoonish martial arts violence, somehow triggers a rock-hard erection!  Time to start building a new cum-sock/dagger!

THAT, my friends, is why you don’t wash your cum-sock until it’s hardened into a lethal crystalline weapon!  Never know when you gotta take out some amateur criminals!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

I think of challenges as dips in the road. If I hit them at the right angle and speed, I get to fly for a bit, maybe shift over onto a better track. I also might crash and get stuck, but maybe I can dig up a diamond or find something cool on the pavement beneath me.

Is that foolish? Maybe. False? Possibly. All I knows that it makes life much more enjoyable for me.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

A deep, aggro voice bellows, “Knock fucking knock!”  It’s accompanied by rude-ass banging—someone beating the hell out of my condo door. 

“What the fuck?”  I open my door.  A dozen dude-bros in shitty costumes eye me with disdain. 

“Trick or fucking treat,” the first one grunts.  He thrusts out a trash bag.  “Fill ’er up, fuckstain.”

I regard them all with doubt and skepticism.  “You’re in your twenties.  Half of you are rocking a five-o-clock shadow.”  My eyes settle on their leader.  “And you’ve got a full-on beard.” 

“Just give us the candy, goddammit!  What’re you, a fucking socialist???” he snarls. 

I cross my arms.  “Do I believe government should own all means of production?  No.  Do I believe in an ethically oriented balance of power between private ownership and public services that maintains dignity at the lowest levels, while providing opportunity and access to innovators, hard workers, and risk-takers?  Yes.” 

His face goes blank.  “What does that have to do with…”  Then he shouts, “Fuck this guy!  USA!  USA!”  His neander-fuck friends take up the chant.  “USA!  USA!”  He rips off his shirt, Hulk Hogan style, and screams, “GIVE ME THE CANDDDYYYYYY!!!”

As they charge, I fart into my hand, fling it at the horde, and yell, “Cup a’ cheese, bitches!”  Two of them stumble, gagging and clutching their desecrated throats.  In the span of a second, their hair goes white and their faces age several decades. 

Another throws a jab and a cross.  I parry the jab, slip the cross, and fake an overhand.  He braces and blocks, which opens the window for me to shoot in, clinch his waist, and roar with unchecked skull-crushing fury—

“FUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!”

—right before I suplex his ass into the floor.  Unfortunately, the rest of his buddies catch me in the scramble and pin me down. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Their hot-ass moms jump through an interdimensional portal and start beating and haranguing their douche-bro sons.  Some of them have predictable-as-fuck names—Hunter, Brayden, Chastin, Ashford—but a bunch have regular monikers that I would bet my dick are purposefully misspelled:  Jayson, Qris, Patrikk, and the like.

Pretty soon, the horde of douche-fucks are scattered across my condo hallway.   Their moms stand me up and immediately start groping me. 

“Mom?”  Hunter’s eyes widen in disbelief.  “What the hell???”

“This here’s a top-shelf Man Whore!” she crows.  “You think we’d let you injure his upcurved dick?  Absolutely not!”

Brayden’s mom hikes up her skirt and gets on her knees, inviting me to slide right on in.  Invitation accepted!  As I pump away, slappity-slap-slapping, I meet Brayden’s eyes and raise my hand in a triumphant shaka.  “Shit’s tight, brah!  Thanks for not wrecking it on your way out!”

“No!  AH GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!!”  He clutches the air and rages at the sky. 

I accompany my cavorting with saucy beatboxing, heavily influenced by seventies-era bow-chicka-wow-wow.  The rest of them ugly-cry like Will Ferrell at his mid-2000s best, vomit on the deck, or get on their knees and prepare to commit seppuku. 

Yeah, I hate douche-bros, but I can’t say the same for their fine-ass moms.  Those ladies comprise the majority of my clientele…I like to call it the duality of Man Whore. 

Anyways, fuck it (literally, in this case).  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

Have twenty-something hooligans tried to bully you into giving them handfuls of candy?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their moms, and destroy their souls with a vigorous round of shlorpa-shlorp-shlorp! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  [image error] [image error] [image error]

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the sky-hook-to-helo-to-horseback-to-the-top-of-a-bullet-train duel is happening, all you badass action heroes who are throwing hands with a pony-tailed villain from the early 90s, as the train screams through a darkened tunnel it emerges onto a picturesque rail hundreds of feet above water but for some godawful action movie reason, it’s running out of track, so as your enemy chokes the shit out of you, you unzip your pants, reach in through the hole in the front of your undies (Ha!  Knew it had a purpose!) and pull out your giant-ass scrotum as if it was an extra wrinkly, extra hairy version of a magician’s unending scarf—

FOOMP!

—then grab them shits with both hands and turn it into an impromptu parachute, the wind yanks you back into the sunny blue sky, your attacker shakes his fist and screams DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL as you soar away on the ugliest organ spawned by the human body while coming in hot with an 80s-style one-liner (“No balls,” and “Sack the fuck up” come to mind) the train bows again to action movie physics and explodes into a fucking mushroom-cloud fireball right as it touches the water below—

And THAT, my friends, is why you don’t talk shit about the hole in your undies!  Who the fuck knows when you’ll have to pull out the scrotal parachute and break free from the grasp of a eurotrash villain???

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

While acknowledging an outcome, I find it useful to internally allow my emotional reaction to that outcome, even if it’s an antagonistic expression, such as anger or avoidance. If I try to jump straight to acceptance, I often leave an unresolved tangle of conflicting emotions, which nag and exhaust me if I fail to process them out.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“Kent!  KENT!  Get your sweet ass back here, you curve-dicked Man Whore!”  Martha Stewart stumbles through her mansion, waving a giant 4 Loko bottle.  “I’m not done with you!”  She stops in the center of her enormous marble foyer, then lasers in on me one floor up, peeking at her from behind an antique banister.  “There you are—come and give Martha some he-trollop lovin’!”  She takes a swig, smacks her lips, and declares, “Aaaaah!  Glug, glug, mothafuckin’ glug!”

I try and speak in an even tone, but my quivering voice betrays my resolve.  “Go away, Martha!  We both agreed it’d be three pops a session!  You’ve already gotten four!  And you still owe me for the last two visits!” 

“Goddamn millennials!” she snarls.  “Always shortchanging Megaton Martha!”  She yanks a high-tech dildo-sword mounted on the wall.  “That’s what they called me in federal prison, ’cause I’d crush my enemies like a shit-ton of bricks!”  She activates her dildo-saber, filling the air with an insistent hum.  “Sith-lord red, my favorite fucking color!”  A moment later, she tromps up the stairs.  “ ’Bout to clean that ass out—hope you didn’t eat no motherfucking corn!”

Mother of FUCK.  This is NOT what I signed up for!  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Batman and Superman bust through the walls, peppering Martha with heat vision, explosives, and a barrage of well-timed kicks and punches.  She easily deflects them with her dildo-saber, laughing in a two-toned, demonic-ass voice.  “I learned the dark arts back in the big house!  You think I can’t beat some cut-rate do-gooders?”  She grabs the back of Batman’s head and slams his face into the banister, cracking a big-ass hole along its length.  Supes flies in with heat vision and punches, but she blatters him twice with the head of her dildo—p’pap PAP!—two-hands it back so it’s in line with her spine, and hits him with a total-body, sky-to-ground swing.  K’CHOOM!  He rockets down through the second story landing and bounces off the marble floor, leaving ugly cracks in its once-pristine surface.  Martha jumps/follows him through the hole, and strides confidently over to his pummeled body.

“Run, Kent.”  He pushes to his knees.  “For the love of God, get the hell out of here while you still—HRRK!”   She grabs his hair and jerks it back, exposing his throat and mushroom-stamped face.

Martha starts unbuttoning her pants.  “During the embalming process, ancient Egyptians used a hook, to extract the brain via the nose.  I think I can do it with my clit.  It took some focus, but I was able to grow it and make it prehensile.  Now it’s like a cross between a Xenomorph finger and an extra-long curly fry.”

That’s enough for me.  I run out of her compound, blubbering and sobbing.  Superman’s scream follows me across the grass.

Yes, I survived Dark Martha, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST????

*Cue the theme for Requiem for a Dream*

Has Martha Stewart gone batshit nuts and threatened your life with a Sith-powered dildo?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a superhero, and barely escape with your motherfucking life!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  [image error] [image error] [image error]

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the heli-dick is happening, all you masturbatory fucks who unknowingly get subjected to the same unassailable logic that created Spider Man and suffer a minor wound from your radioactive propeller-hat, the next time you’re jerking it your dick accelerates into a circular blur, holy fucking shit it’s generating enough lift to raise you off the bed, now you’re picking up speed and crashing through the ceiling, before you know it you’re flying into restricted airspace, the Pentagon scrambles jets while you’re WHUP-WHUP-WHUPPING above a military installation, pilots close their eyes, ask God to forgive them, and whisper Fox 3 as they unleash a series of deadly-ass missiles FUCK YOU PROPELLER-HAT THIS IS SUCH A SHITTY WAY TO DIE—

And THAT, my friends, is why you stay the fuck away from radioactive propeller hats!  You never know when that Spider Man logic will kick the fuck in and turn you into an interceptor target!  Fuck!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing