Todd Perelmuter's Blog, page 36

Maintaining Inner Peace When Dealing with Toxic Customers

Q: Dear Todd, I work in a restaurant and the environment is usually very negative and toxic. What’s the best way to deal with negative and difficult people without getting triggered?

Todd Answers: That is so draining to be surrounded by people who bring you down day after day. The best thing to do is focus on people’s energy rather than what they say. I don’t mean some invisible mysterious energy. I mean the intention and cause behind people’s words. When you do this, you will almost always find that their words may be negative or critical, but their energy screams pain and insecurity.

We tend to put too much attention on words and not enough attention on people’s energies and attitudes. Focus on the spaces between words, the sounds that make up words, and the space between you and others.

By doing this, you shift your focus from people to energy. You stop internalizing other people’s mean words and you just recognize their hurt and pain for what it is. You can’t control others, but you can always control your focus. Negativity and toxicity, like poison, can only hurt us if we choose to drink them.

Starting your day with meditation can be a great way to managing your work stress entire day. Here’s a guided meditation that you can add to your schedule.

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The Spiritual Answer to Procrastination Problem

Q: Dear Todd, when you don’t do what you are supposed to do and procrastinate and daydream and use the internet then how do you love yourself or protect yourself from your negative self-talk? When you know an exam is near and everyone is studying and you are still not able to let go of your bad habits?

Todd Answers: There is a lot to talk about. But let’s skip the negative self-talk for now and focus on the root cause of the problem. Procrastinating stems from a habit and desire to escape the present moment. It’s delaying what needs to be done now for some time later in the future.

There is no greater way to stop procrastinating than to start practicing being here and now. This is done in two ways, both of which I highly recommend.

1) Use Meditation to Fight Procrastination

Besides all the amazing benefits of meditation, you’re also practicing spending a few minutes every day not doing something else. You’ll observe the urge to check your phone, and then you’ll go back to meditating. By doing this, you’ll create a habit of not acting on every impulse to get distracted.

2) Bring as Many Present Moments into Your Life as You Can

Bring all your attention to whatever it is you’re doing as many times a day as you can. Practice doing things like going for walks without bringing any other distractions with you. By being more aware of our present moments, our more highly consciousness awareness will be able to tell if we’re making the best use of our time or not.

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What if Others’ Bad Habits Disturb Your Inner Peace

Q: Dear Todd, I view smoking and vaping as negative habits and don’t want to be around people who do that, and don’t want to view them positively. I find these habits trigger me and make me pull away. Any suggestions?

Todd Answers: That is very understandable. It’s always difficult to see our loved ones or people we care about doing something harmful whether it’s vaping or doing even more harmful drugs, it’s all too easy to see them as failures or fools. But often, these are the people who need love and support more than ever.

Because people make one big mistake — trying some addictive substance activity once and then get hooked — doesn’t make them unworthy of love or failures we should immediately write off. Letting them know with love your concern and if they ever want to talk you’re there for them, can help them feel supported and less likely to continue destructive behavior. It’s small gentle nudges that have the greatest success.

Now, this doesn’t mean exposing yourself to any harmful chemicals or dangerous situations. We can only give the love we have to give. That means knowing your limits and listening to your heart.

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What If I Want to Receive a Little Love Too?

Love is the glue that holds this universe together. It is the gravity that unites two star crossed lovers. And it is the only reason we exist — it brought our parents together, love nourished and protected us through infancy, and it is the only reason we haven’ blown ourselves up yet.

Love is a feeling as innate as hunger. Instead of leading us to food, love guides us towards being more compassionate and selfless. It drives us towards building communities that can work together to survive and thrive. And the good feelings that selfless love invokes (selfless love being much different than the possessive, jealous type of love) drives us towards building and maintaining our families and close friendships.

Love is how we survived and how we will continue to do so. So, what can we do when that lovely love is missing from our lives? Do we deserve it? Are some people just loners? Should we just let go of our desire for love and accept what is?

Here’s the thing, you can’t crave what you are. We may mistake love for companionship. We may mistake love for sex. But love is so much more than that which can be found in another person. No one can steal your essence away from you. And neither can anyone else fulfill our needs for love. We are love. As you’ll see from this video, we are bigger and so much more than we think.

The more we reconnect with our hearts, the source of our life and all life, the more we will become fearless in love. When we are fearless in love, we spread joy wherever we go, we see the beauty and potential in everyone, we shower others with compliments, and we expect absolutely nothing in return. Here’s the real reason why we can’t always see the beauty, balance and oneness of the universe.

No, it is not crazy to want love and have it returned. But remember, when having love returned is our motivation to give love, then we are not looking for love, we are looking for business partners we can have a love transaction with. This is not true, selfless love.

When we love totally selflessly, we become magnetic. It’s like we become high on the love drug and everyone else wants to find out what our secret to happiness is. We all know people like this. These people are medicine for the soul and everyone wants to be around them. Not everyone will return the love in kind, but there are lots of loving folks out there. We don’t lose anything if love isn’t returned, but when it is returned, we gain the world. From my in-depth video,  EGO 101, we can learn how to think from a different and larger perspective.

 

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

It’s all too easy to become jaded and pessimistic. When we show love and generosity, and for it not to be returned, can easily discourage us from being loving. Instead of giving up, I say double down (More on why people are toxic and how to stop it in this video.)

Your kind actions have infinite unseen positive consequences. There’s no faster way to find your tribe of people than to show everyone your inner light. And, there’s no faster way to reveal those who aren’t your people. It’s a win win. Be kind, be generous, and kind and generous people will be drawn to you.

“Nice” may get taken advantage of, but kind and generous can never be. Kind and generous come from strength and wisdom, not ignorance. Kind is about what’s doing best for others (whether they realize it at the time or not), and for yourself. It’s free and it’s limitless, so give it away wherever you go and see the world around you change for the better.

Remember, everything you perceive in the world exists within you. If you see love and hate in the world, it’s because the seeds of love and hate lie within you. Nurture those seeds of love and watch your life bloom.

Much love,

Todd

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How to Get Rid of Your Bad Habits Through Meditation

Q: Dear Todd, I have many bad habits. How can I transform myself?

Todd Answers: My best advice for you, as someone who used to have many addictions, is to be patient and start with the addiction that is most disruptive (it was alcohol for me). Then work your way down from there one at a time. Trying all at once can often be impossible. If you fail, keep trying and never give up. Failure always comes with lessons to help us succeed next time. Perhaps you have failed many times. That is ok. You are probably very wise at quitting now!

Do your best to create a daily meditation practice and try your best to never miss a day. The discipline you achieve in your meditation practice will translate into a discipline in every aspect of your life.

Become Conscious Creators of Your Present and Future

Sometimes we can feel like we are fully in control of our lives and that we are the masters of our destiny. Other times, we can feel like life is something that happens to us, that we are not in control, and that we have no power over the course of our life. All too often, we can find ourselves repeating the same old patterns, feel like our life has become stagnant, or that our life is not going the way we imagined and hoped.

To change everything starts with changing how we see everything. This is the key to stop seeing ourselves as victims and start seeing ourselves as the masters of our lives. Science has shown that people with a victim mindset are more likely to be victimized. This is because we carry a body language and energy that projects that victim mindset.

No matter our past, we can become conscious creators of our present and future. We can overcome our habits, we can make new choices, and we can build the life our hearts long for. This is the simple yet powerful way to do just that.

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Path to Peace How Can Cruelty & Hatred Be Part of the Perfect Tapestry of Life?

Someone recently asked me, “How do you reconcile the whole, ‘Everything is a beautiful part of the tapestry,’ with all the ugliness present in the world? Is hatred, malice, vengeance not a part of the tapestry?”

In today’s podcast, I talk about why we can’t see the beauty, balance and oneness. I talk about what obscures our view of the miraculous nature of our universe. And I share how we can pierce that veil of ignorance and see beyond suffering, beyond expectations, and beyond the prison of polarities, of likes and dislikes, and see the infinite perfection all around us.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

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How to Deal With Unending Parental Worries For Your Children

Q: Dear Todd,I gave birth to my daughter a year ago and she has taught me a lot of things about being present and appreciating every moment we have. However, no matter how mindful I’m trying to be, I struggle to keep anxiety away when it comes to her well-being or happiness. Would you have any advice for me on this?

Todd Answers: Our love can easily turn into anxiety, attachment, and fear. Instead of feeling pure love, these other elements often arise.

First off, your daughter is so lucky to have you. Any parent who loves so deeply and worries so greatly gets a gold star A+.

You are absolutely right. Simply saying “accept this or that” will not help in this case, because we wouldn’t accept anything bad. We are their protectors and it is programmed into our DNA.

What I will say is, what would your daughter, when she is all grown up, have to say? Would she want you riddled with anxiety and fear? Or, would she want you to love without anxiety, to protect without fear, to care without doubts? And, what do you think will better help her become the person you wish her to be, an overprotective anxious mother or a calm peaceful presence of love?

Your worries are better served if instead, they can become stressless caution. Caution is safety without anxiety. Caution is preparing for the worst with optimism for the best. Caution is wisdom. Worries are needless anxiety that only ends up making the desired outcome more difficult to reach.

You can transform this worry into stress-free love and caution. Try as we might, everyone becomes hurt, sad, and ill at some point in their lives. But, creating a space of love, peacefulness, and not panicking, will teach her better than words how to face whatever obstacles she faces with peace, calm, and clarity. You simply have to trust in this magical miraculous universe and in its wisdom and design. What comes will come. 

We can’t do anything about what is outside of our control. But we can control our inner world. And your miracle of a daughter can be a daily reminder of the peacefulness of her completely present mind totally free from anxiety. Whenever you notice anxious or fearful thoughts, simply notice them, notice the stress in your body, release any tension and exhale all of it out. Take a few conscious breaths, observe your daughter’s breath and let it calm you, and together, you can both grow in peace and wisdom.

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When the Present Moment is Filled With Physical Pain Because of Illness

Q: Dear Todd, I’m dealing with a physical injury that’s taken my mobility, I try and be positive about healing my legs every new day but my reality is that I sit isolated and alone consumed with SO much fear. I listen to/watch as many positive and uplifting things as I can to keep this at bay. Sometimes I find something which temporarily shifts my mindset and gives me hope (and I’m grateful for that) but I’m always stumped when I hear people say that anxiety and worry are about the past and future and that “it doesn’t exist in the present moment”. When you are consumed by pain, anxiety, and fear are absolutely about the present moment. It’s all one can focus on when there’s pain present in the body. I wonder why this is never mentioned as for so many people the present moment is filled with physical pain they must endure..how can we make sense of the present moment being free from fear or anxiety or worry when there is pain present?

TODD ANSWERS: You are absolutely right that not all suffering stems from the past or future. Sometimes this moment is just a big pain in the butt! However, I will just say that there is a difference between pain and suffering. We will all feel pain in our lives — those electrical signals that tell our brain something is not right.

But suffering is how we respond to pain. Is our reaction to pain conscious and calm, or unconscious and resisting? Are we fearful that we won’t get better in the future? Or are we simply allowing the sensations in this moment to be? These are choices we can make. You no doubt have a very difficult challenge you are facing and I wish you all the strength, patience and positivity.

While there is a place for modern medicine, we also know that many spiritual practices have been proven to lessen our experience of pain. Some dentists use meditation techniques as an alternative to anesthesia. Some Buddhist monks can withstand grueling physical conditions by simply practicing observing physical sensations without reacting to them. We know that the calmer and more relaxed we are, the faster our bodies can heal. So give yourself plenty of time to deal not just with the pain but with the mind as well. Meditate, walk through nature, whatever you can to create peace in your life.

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The Best Way to Handle Resentment Against Someone

All resenting stems from resisting. Resentment comes from resisting another person’s actions, behaviors and habits. Instead of allowing the person to be, we silently resist who they are. That silent resistance turns into spoken or unspoken anger, distance and mutual hardship.

The absolute best thing we can do when feeling resentment is to go from resisting to enlisting. Instead of feeling like we must either fight or silently suffer, we can enlist the other person. We enlist by lovingly teaching and showing by example. We show the proper way through our being, and we enlist our partner to join in. We keep blame and fault out of the equation. Through love, we heal resentment and we are more likely to invoke change from the other person.

When people feel attacked, they never learn. When one partner suffers in silence, the other partner never learns. Only through love, kindness and patience has anyone been able to grow and evolve. Not everyone will change at the pace we might wish them to, but at least you did not lose your inner peace. Everyone has their own demons to work through. We can’t control anyone. But, if we are unable to be that patient and loving teacher, that only shows us the work we still have to do on ourselves. This is what Gandhi meant when he said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.”

2) The key is to not change how we cope, but rather to change how we go about our social lives in the first place. If we approach our social lives in the right way, there would be no need for coping at all. If we seek out companionship thinking it will make us happy, we are making our happiness dependent on temporary circumstances that are bound to change. If we tap into our inner peace, love and joy, the whole world and all of its pleasures simply become the icing on the cake — you can take it or leave it.

The sage knows that some people will ghost, others will flake, and others will lash out and reenact old trauma. This is the way of the world — everyone going through their own journey. The most we can do is discover ourself, then we can share our joys and sorrows with other folks who are in a similar place on their own journey. We can welcome all newcomers, say goodbye peacefully to those whose paths diverge, and we can embrace and appreciate every step of the way.

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How Can Ukrainians Respond With Love to Their Enemies?

Q: Dear Todd, how can Ukrainians respond with love to their enemies?

TODD ANSWERS: Someone recently asked me how I can suggest that even people in Ukraine respond with love when their lives are in danger. The person went on to tell me that they struggle with spirituality because “we have fear for a reason and if a bear is charging at you, it doesn’t care if you respond with love or not, it will still eat you. If you respond with fear, maybe you’ll at least run away and get to safety.”

This is really a great question and something I know a lot of people wonder about. The good news is, mindfulness does not make us foolish, naive or deluded. Mindfulness is simply about being more aware — more aware of danger, more aware of potentially harmful situations, and most importantly, more aware of how best to respond.

Luckily, this even works for bears. Experts say don’t panic and try to run away from a bear or it will surely eat you. Many animals can sense fear. Even humans can pick up on it. The agitation in you triggers agitation and fear in the animal and they are more likely to respond out of fear themselves and preemptively attack. However, if you stay calm, if you stand your ground, if you look strong and big and confident, the bear will back off. People are the same way. Studies show that when we feel fear, we are more likely to be victimized.

As for Ukrainians, responding with love isn’t about giving something to their enemy. It’s about giving themselves the inner strength to go on. Hate is draining and love is invigorating. The response on the outside may look the same, but on the inside, only love is sustainable. Love is about responding rationally, not in a reactionary manner. It’s about not losing ourselves so we can know how to respond most wisely. It’s about maintaining our faculties so we can best be of service to our cause. It is the complete opposite of rolling over and accepting brutality.

There’s a very common thing that we all do where we confuse love and kindness for naivete, foolishness and self-endangerment. We think that to love a burglar or a murderer means inviting them into our house for tea. But that is foolishness. Mindfulness is about being aware of danger, being mindful of even dangerous people, but being mindful at the same time of the fear and the hatred and anger in our hearts and minds.

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