Todd Perelmuter's Blog, page 37

Am I Supposed to Be Grateful For Abuse & Love My Abuser?

Q: Dear Todd, “Am I supposed to be grateful for abuse and love my abuser?” Is that what spirituality is teaching me?

TODD ANSWERS: I receive a lot of questions that contain a few common misperceptions about spirituality. For example, people will ask, “Does spirituality mean just being passive? Am I supposed to be grateful for abuse and love my abuser?”

Spirituality is not passive or weak. It is not naive or rose-colored glasses. Quite the opposite. It is the skill of seeing reality soberly, exactly as it is, so that we can respond with wise action.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you go live with your abuser. It means that you no longer let your abuser live inside of you.

Love and forgiveness can even look like setting healthy boundaries, because often that is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and others. We can’t always control others, but we can maintain our inner peace, and sometimes that means doing so from a safe distance.

One way we can learn to love everyone is to think of people like art. I deeply love all art because it comes from a place of wishing to make the world a more beautiful place. However, I can’t hang every piece of art in my house, so I have to be a little choosier. We can love and forgive everyone, but we don’t have to invite them into our home or give away our precious time.

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Can’t Get Over My Ex, Still Looking for a Closure

Q: Dear Todd, I got separated from someone I truly liked and every other minute a good or bad memory of him comes up. It’s been 4 months now. I didn’t know what happened. It was a shock for me and then I had to guess and accept what might have happened, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. All emotions, and thoughts arise from that incident and everything also leads to it. Can you please suggest something? It’s difficult to live like this.

TODD ANSWERS: That is one of the hardest things we humans can go through and it doesn’t get talked about enough. Dating is like constantly losing a loved one (until that last first date when we finally find that special person we were meant for). In many ways, it can be worse than losing a loved one because when we lose someone in dating, it’s painful AND it’s confusing. We blame ourselves, we get angry at the other person. It is a tornado of destructive emotions.

The good news is that we can heal from this kind of trauma. We can move on. The key is to let these negative emotions show you where you still need to heal. Even if we are 99% healed and over it, then we are really still not healed and over it. I recommend a few ways to heal from trauma, but they all have to do with turning our anger and pain into love and forgiveness. To do this, I have made a loving-kindness video on YouTube, which if done regularly can lessen the intense emotions we feel towards the loss and the other person. I also recommend meditating on this person. What that looks like is, meditate for a few minutes, then think of this person and all the things about them that are upsetting, then go back to meditation to calm your body and mind back down, then repeat, finishing with a peaceful relaxing meditation. By practicing this in the safety and serenity of a meditation cushion, it will help you naturally regulate your body’s nervous system whenever your attention turns to him throughout the day.

In the end, you’ll find that there’s really no need for closure or to understand. A person who leaves isn’t the one. That is the closure. All we can do in this kind of situation is let go so we can make room for the even better guy we didn’t even know existed. Hope that helps.

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Getting Over a Breakup When the Reason Seems Confusing

Q: Dear Todd, I recently separated from a partner citing that being together was difficult for her mental health and her judgment of my own inner peace. She believed I had more to work on. Ending things over that made me question the validity of the oneness sadly because her depth into that study is significant.

Maybe I am amidst processing and possibly misunderstanding it, but I feel it was the spiritual high ground that gave her the out versus keeping her commitments with her partner.

My difficulty is that the claim about the quality of our relationship feels quite skewed and although harmonious 90% of our time together, it seems she viewed things quite differently.

Makes me wary of relations with another person heavily into oneness because they can leave so easily and dismiss their responsibility to the relationship.

 

TODD ANSWERS: That is definitely a difficult thing to be going through for sure. Oftentimes, when someone leaves another person, there is much more at play than what is said. Sometimes what is said can be true, but it can also be untrue. Sometimes it can be because of a false perception, sometimes a valid one. Sometimes there can be hidden agendas or secrets, and sometimes not. But two things are for certain.

1) Whatever someone says about someone else can only be partially true at best. They are only seeing a small part of that other person, AND they can’t help but project their own views and biases.

2) There is nothing about oneness that could help someone break commitments, judge others, or feel superior in any way. Quite the opposite.

It can be very difficult to have to go through breakups and even harder when the reason feels confusing or surprising. But, whatever the reason she had, it can be reassuring to remember that for whatever reason, she didn’t feel it was right, and there can be gratitude towards her for making that clear sooner rather than later so you can make space for the even greater blessings you have waiting for you.

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Same-Sex Attraction Interfering With My Desire to Serve God

Q: Dear Todd, my problem is: I am someone who saw and recognized my same-sex attraction from a young age. Over time, I surrendered to such behavior and came into contact with men. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for several years. With whom I broke up some time ago, even though I had everything that every “gay” would want. The reason why I broke up is that I have been getting to know God for the last 5 years. I believe that the breakup was necessary for me and that sacrifice was necessary in order to show gratitude to God.

After the breakup and moving in with my family. My previous life disappeared and I got new experiences. Unknown road.

I have several options and I can’t decide which one to choose.

The first option is to get married. For as long as I can remember, I have always thought that I have 4 or 5 children and a harmonious family. However, when I tried to kiss for a while with a girl, my sexual organ did not work. It scared and disappointed me so after that experience I was with men. Now that I am finally free of male bonds. Now I don’t know if I am able to have sex with a woman at all. That really bothers me. Men still attract me and I’m not sure if I’m able to extinguish that passion for them.

Another thing would be to surrender my life to God and become a monk and live in celibacy. I have the impression that only in this way would I be able to extinguish my passion for sin. That is very important for me.

The third choice is to return to the partner with whom I was in a relationship. Or find another one. However, I have a problem with this third choice, because if I choose that, then there is no God. And I care about God. But I also took this into account. Although it is the last option.

The fourth choice is to live alone in celibacy, to work, spend time with my parents until their death, and after that I live as a hermit life.

I don’t even know what is the best decision for me. I want to be a monk. But what I really want is to have children. However, I don’t know if that would be possible. Many women would never even look at me if they heard that I had relationships with men. Another thing is that it is difficult to find a woman that I like emotionally. And even less to feel passion for her. Consequently, my passion for women was not detected.

I humbly ask you to give me an answer that could make it easier for me to choose. Because I have the feeling that I am not able to do it alone. I’m with my family right now. However, a few days later I arrived in another city where my partner is, I remembered our apartment we bought together, and hanging out with our cats, I just wanted that life again. The fact that the very next day, when I return home to my family, loneliness, family worries, a city where I have not been there for years, I have no friends. And it’s hard.

I am aware that I want to serve God and that I cannot live with a man,I feel that it is not right. Although, I want it, it is very difficult for me to deal with all of it. I’m not even sure if I can have children because I have no attraction to girls. Sometimes I don’t have the strength to fight. Because I am not able to distinguish what I should choose, and what I should do so that it will be good for God.

TODD ANSWERS: Hello my dear brother,
I hear the pain in your situation. It is in my strongest belief that we are meant to live the way we are meant to. What this means is: we are meant to know ourselves, live our lives following our heart, and do as little harm to ourselves and others as possible.

Our upbringing and the society we are brought up in shape us in countless ways. We may wish to follow our hearts, but that may conflict with how we wish to fulfill the expectations of our religion, community, and friends and family.

Ultimately, we have one life to play, explore, make mistakes, and then get up and try again. I can only suggest you listen to what your heart and your gut are telling you. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only a feeling deep down inside each of us that knows what to do. Meditate on it. Sleep on it. Quiet your mind so you can listen to your heart. And remember, no matter what happens, lasting happiness doesn’t come from temporary circumstances (and everything is temporary). It comes from within.

When things don’t go as we wish, we can always make a change, or at the very least, change how we view and experience our circumstances. The root of suffering is not because things don’t go our way, it’s because we expect things to always go our way. No matter what happens, I know you can find peace, joy and endless love within.

I hope that helps give a little clarity.

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How to Face Your Fears, Trauma and Demons?

We always have two choices in life: face or fester. You can either face your fears and overcome them, or you can let them fester underneath the surface.

I have a dear friend who was the walking embodiment of fear. She was afraid of everything: ghosts, the water, even dogs. She told me she had “zero interest in spirituality,” but she let me teach her a simple meditation. She resisted a lot at first and couldn’t sit for very long. But slowly but surely, she made it to twenty minutes. Then, she slowly but surely started doing things that were very unlike her. She started taking haunted ghost tours. She took swimming lessons. And now, she even has a beautiful puppy. 

When fear festers, healing cannot happen. It stays under the surface, subtly affecting our decisions and our mood, until periodically it is triggered and rises to the surface manifesting in a number of different ways. Sometimes it will appear as anger and outbursts. Sometimes it manifests as self-destructive behavior or addiction. Other times it can show itself as anxiety or depression.

If we face our demons, our fears and our trauma, we allow ourselves to heal. It can be scary to look at what scares us. But this is the only way to look fear in the face and tell it to F off. It’s hard work, but it makes the rest of your life so much easier. I know you can do it!

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The Right Way of Letting Go of Past: A Lesson From Buddhist Mandala

There was a Buddhist mandala that was hanging on the wall at the first Buddhist monastery I lived at. I was captivated by the details and craftsmanship. Really, the whole monastery had this level of detail and beauty. It was quite exquisite.

Mandalas are symbolic representations of the universe, designed to transform ordinary minds into enlightened ones. They can be an object of meditation for Buddhists to focus on, either helping them become connected with a deity or to develop wisdom.

During my time there, I thought a great deal about this artwork, and more significantly, the mandalas that are made out of sand that take days to finish and then are swept away often without even a photo taken of them.

There I was, a young guy quite new to spirituality, constantly obsessing about money and relationships, family drama and even the slightest discomforts in life. And yet these monks meticulously focus with such concentration for such long periods of time on these breathtaking artworks that could probably hang in most any museum, and then without any bother, as soon as it’s completed, they sweep the sand back into a jar and pour it into a body of water as an offering for the benefit of all beings on this planet.

This beautiful practice to understand the impermanence of all things is so profound and so beneficial. During my time here, I would meditate on this mandala and it greatly helped me let go of my obsessions and inability to let go of the past or expectations of the future.

But the real magic would happen a few months later when I left this monastery and flew to Thailand. My camera was stolen on my first day there in the hostel. I wasn’t so upset about the camera, but it was all the photos on the SD card that I really cared about. Until I remembered this mandala (which thankfully I had taken a photo of on my phone as well ).

If you ever find yourself obsessing over the same old thing, remember this mandala.

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My Ex Used Me and Left. Dealing With Trust Issues Now

Q: Dear Todd, I had someone pretend to like me for a year and then she told me that she was using me and that the whole time she hated me. It messed me up so much. I still think that everyone hates me because idk if I can trust people. What if they are like her? What if I’m annoying? Is there something wrong with me? I also hate myself.

TODD ANSWERS: That must have been incredibly traumatic. I would have PTSD from that myself. I can tell you, that is one of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard someone doing. It is 100% not you, my friend. The fact that it hurts shows me you are human and have a heart, unlike the kind of person who could say that to someone else. Luckily, they showed you exactly who they are and you do not have to wonder — it is not you.

I don’t know you, but from this message, you are not annoying at all. But heck, maybe you are. Good! There are a billion beautifully weird and annoying people out there. Annoying people find each other and get married every single day, and they have beautifully quirky lives with their beautifully quirky partners. Stay you. Do not change one iota because of a using, hateful person.

Take time, heal, rest, relax and recover. Be patient with yourself. And when you’re ready, get out there and find that perfect person for you. There’s a lot more weird people than there are mean people. You may accidentally bump into a mean person once in a while, but you can just thank the universe for sending that cruel pretender into your life so that you can better spot them in the future. There are too many good, kind people out there to give up and let cruelty win. 

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When Grief Strikes

Recently, my family has been struck with that most unfortunate of news. A giant in our lives and a guiding light was recently diagnosed with late stage terminal cancer. While I have been mostly offline these past couple weeks, I would be honored to share my experience with grief that I have been going through, and hopefully it can bring some solace and perspective into your own life.

When we get the unthinkable news, it immediately puts everything in life into perspective. Little things that annoyed us, things that would cause fights, suddenly seem insignificant. Suddenly, conflicts and grudges become transformed into love and forgiveness. But we don’t need tragedy to remember this lesson. Death is always with us. Cells in our body die constantly, but new ones are also always being created. Every moment will pass on, but a new moment always follows.

Life is precious and everyday is a gift. I cried a hundred times for this man who was like a father to me. I will probably cry a thousand more times. But in every tear shed, in every weep and wail, is love. In every ache and pain, there is beauty. And so I feel every feeling deeply. I witness myself overcome with grief and I welcome the beautiful process. In the pain and teary eyes I see a man who left an indelible mark on every life he touched. I see a legacy of selflessness, wisdom and compassion.

If you are going through something similar, remember to allow yourself to grieve fully. Don’t resist it or fight it. Feel through it. Try not to avoid it or stuff it down. But above all, do not fear it. Be sad, be hurt, be broken. But do not be afraid. This is the process of life. To love means to one day lose. But one moment of love is greater than a lifetime of loss.

This is the natural, inevitable journey we will all go through. Within every birth is death, and within every death is birth. Within tragedy there is joyous celebration. And so even in death, there is eternal life. As we come from source and return to source, we know nothing can ever truly end or be born. We simply change forms, just as we do through the various stages of our life.

To quote Star Wars, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine.” When we lose our loved ones, as they merge from the illusion of separateness back into oneness, they become part of our lives in new and even more profound ways. When we can no longer make new memories, the ones we have become more cherished. They truly live on inside us.

Remember, even if you or a loved one gets sick, everything will be fine. Even if there is loss, everything will be fine. Even when everything is going wrong, it’s all perfectly fine and it will all be ok. How could it not be? If Earth gets wiped out by a comet tomorrow, everything will still be perfect and fine, happening exactly as it’s supposed to and it couldn’t have happened any other way. Earth had a good run after all. Far better than most planets. The only question for us is, how quickly and how much can we let go. We can, as the Buddha said, “Die before we die.” We can practice letting go before the universe inevitably takes away. It is simply to recognize the impermanence of everything. This is how we can face any uncertainty and enjoy our brief time on this beautiful green planet with presence and peace.

Wishing you a safe, healthy, and joyful week ahead,

Todd

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Step into This One, Eternal Present Moment

While we may feel like we are the operators of our bodies, the truth is that we are temporary inhabitants. I am watching the Todd show, and you are watching the you show. If you think you’re in control, just try to stop thinking for 5 minutes. 

We do not control our heartbeat or digestion. We don’t have to do anything for our hair and nails to grow. Similarly, we are not in control of the thoughts that pop into our head, the memories we keep, nor the emotions we feel. When we understand this, we can stop trying to control our lives and we can start letting life happen for us.

The only thing we can do as the inhabitant/witness/watcher is to choose where we put our attention and focus. We can practice developing even deeper concentration so that our mind becomes still and peaceful. Meditation is a great way to do that, and the discipline we develop by establishing a consistent meditation practice will even lead to more self-discipline in every other aspect of our lives. The one thing that I suggest to everyone who is making meditation a part of their lives is to never skip it. Here’s why.

When we allow our mind to wander aimlessly, our lives can feel aimless. When our minds are chaotic, we feel chaotic. And when our minds get lost in past memories or some imagined future, we feel lost in the present moment. Whenever we feel like our life is chaotic, fighting that chaos will only create more inner conflict. Here’s how we can make peace with our chaos.

Life is challenging enough as it is without carrying the weight of the whole world’s past and future on our shoulders. When we just focus on this moment, when we tend to this moment with sacred care and reverence, and when we stay firmly rooted in the here and now, nothing can ever overwhelm us because we are only handling what we are able to handle in each moment.

We cannot be our past because the past does not exist. Thus we cannot be defined by our mistakes and failures, nor successes and achievements. Everything we are is right here and right now. Everything that ever was and ever will be exists right now, either as embers of the past or seeds for the future.

You are simply the miracle of life made manifest in this moment. You are part of the perfection in our perfect universe. When we identify as the doer/operator, we feel small, separate, fearful and stressed. We feel like the entire world is on our shoulders and the pressure can crush us. 

But when we watch our thoughts and emotions, we create a peaceful space within us. We gain a bigger perspective and we can simply appreciate the grand design of the cosmos, with all its complexities, with all its chaos, because we see how everything fits together in perfect balance and harmony.

 

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED…

How after big moments in your life, you have almost no memory of them? Like how you can give a big speech and it’s like you missed the whole thing. You gave the speech, or maybe you were at your own wedding, but you forgot to be present for it.

This doesn’t just happen for big moments either. Most of our lives we spend lost in thought, thinking about some other place or some other time.

I had a good friend who whenever we would go for a walk through the park with nowhere in particular to go, would walk a million miles an hour. She would miss the flowers and the birds, trees and streams. She was so used to getting to the end of a task that she was never present during the task.

If we live our lives this way, we’ll get to the end having realized we were present for so little of this precious life. This is why it’s so important to bring presence into our lives whenever we can. One question that I am often asked is,https://youtu.be/DY9oU0DaAaQ Here is a video I made on that.

Step out of the past and future and step into this one, eternal, magnificently precious present moment. What happened yesterday doesn’t matter. What will happen tomorrow is anyone’s guess. What we do with this moment determines the quality of our lives. Our new spiritual documentary film, You Are This Moment, is out on YouTube – www.YouTube.com/toddperelmuter.

Whenever the world gets too overwhelming, simply take a mental step back, notice all the sensations that are coming into your conscious awareness in the present moment, and breathe. Everything you need to be happy is already inside you, you just have to be present to see it. And remember, appreciation is the key to manifestation.

Love,

Todd

PS – Does believing in oneness conflict with religion? Is it compatible with no religion? Does it clash with science? And can I keep my old beliefs but still meditate and explore these deeper dimensions within myself? I answer these questions and more in my latest podcast.

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Living with a Toxic Mother? Here’s What to Do

Q: Dear Todd, 38 long fucking years of severely crippling mental and emotional rape mainly at the hands of the toxic person that’s supposed to be my so-called “mother”…that is STILL presently ongoing right now. How the fuck is this shit temporary?!?! When does it end?!?!

TODD ANSWERS: My dear friend, I am so sorry that the person entrusted to protect you has let you down and continues to. That is very deeply traumatic and those young memories which shape our worldview are the hardest to process and heal from. But, they can also be the catalyst for becoming free from any suffering if we let them. Whether it’s the death of a parent or the abuse of a parent, many childhood victims have become the most enlightened and loving people on our planet because they have said enough is enough, and they turned their trauma into love.

I hope you can afford to create healthy boundaries and distance yourself to protect your mental peace. I hope you are able to let the past remain in the past with no hard feelings or ill will. I know that you can process your pain and suffering if you give yourself the time, patience and self-love. If you can transform every feeling of pain into love, that is the way. Become mindful of your own mind. Be aware of how the mind ruminates and obsesses over the past. Always check in with your mind to see if you are living in a story from the past, and see how it’s robbing you of joy for the present moment.

Any person who can hurt a child is clearly living as a child themselves. They were not raised properly either, that is very clear. So there is no need to hold onto any resentment, anger or hatred. There is no need to give your capacity for joy over to these people. Get safe. Check in with your mental state, and turn any negativity into love. Always let love be your guiding light. This is the way out of suffering. The power to change is in your hands. Wishing you much peace and love.

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