Amy Alkon's Blog, page 18

The Dumpster Fire Within

About six weeks ago, I started dating the nicest guy. I have some intimacy issues (basically, fear of abandonment), and having somebody be nice to me is new and uncomfortable. I freaked out one night and had sex with somebody else. I know this guy I'm dating isn't sleeping with other women, but we haven't had the official talk. I don't plan on doing this again, but I really want to confess. The guilt is terrible.

--Disgusted With Myself

The only man in your life with whom you should be...

Murk In Progress

I'm in a weird place in my life: My work situation's up in the air, and there's a lot of uncertainty in my romantic life and my living situation. Friends are telling me to be patient and live in the moment, but I'm finding all of this not knowing extremely upsetting. Is there anything I can do to feel less anxious?

--Distressed

When everything seems uncertain, it's easy to go really dark: "Please forward my mail to the refrigerator box in the underpass where I'll soon be living with my fiance, the cat."

Decision...

Everything Old Is Nude Again

I'm in my late 40s. I've noticed many of my friends reconnecting with and marrying people they knew years ago -- sometimes friends, sometimes exes. Is everybody just desperate, or is dating all about timing?

--Wondering

In your early 20s, you know what's vitally important in a partner: that he doesn't have "weird nostrils" or wear a belt buckle with his own name on it.

Then you do some living and maybe get shredded by a relationship or two, and your preferences change. In short, context matters. Context is...

Friend Over Backward

A friend agreed to dogsit while I flew up to visit my ailing dad. She bailed at 7 p.m. the night before I flew out, saying she needed three days to pack for a vacation. She never even apologized. I don't want to be friends anymore. She said, "You're throwing a friend away over not watching your dog." But it's not that. It's that she broke her word and left me in a huge bind. Still, I feel bad about cutting her out of my life, as we've been friends a long time. Thoughts?

--Disgusted

This is like that game Trust, wher...

No Way To Retreat A Lady

What should you do when a man you've been dating stops texting or otherwise responding? We had an amazing time when we were last together. I can't believe he just isn't interested. Should I call? Drop by? What do you suggest?
--Hurt

As a woman, there's sometimes good reason for you to chase a man, like that he's good-looking and funny and has also stolen your wallet.

A man who's interested in you will not need chasing. In fact, if he's really into you, he will chase you like a dog chases a squ...

Are You Clonesome Tonight?

My friend thinks I'd do better in dating if I went on those sites that match people according to "similarities." Most of the couples I know aren't that similar. Could those sites be wrong? How much does similarity matter for being a good match with somebody and the chances of a relationship working out long-term?

--Single Woman

There are points of difference that are simply a bridge too far -- like if one partner enjoys shooting dinner with a crossbow and the other bursts into tears every time a short-order cook...

I Second That Emoticon

I know some men refuse to use emojis because they think they're silly or cheesy. But I have to say, when men use emojis, they make me feel good. Is it crazy that a heart or a rose emoji makes me feel like a man's more interested?

--Wondering

It's easy to misinterpret tone in texts. However, emojis are basically the cartoon cousins of commas, which can make the difference between a quiet evening at home and an evening spent handcuffed facedown while the forensics team digs up your backyard for skeletal remains. (If onl...

Pretender Mercies

A senior colleague was consistently rotten to me -- demeaning, abusive, passive-aggressive. I tried to get him to behave more respectfully, but nothing changed. I now try to avoid him as much as possible. His mom just died, and a co-worker suggested I send him my condolences. But this would feel really insincere. Isn't it important to be authentic?

--Mistreated

If you always expressed your true feelings, you'd probably get arrested a lot -- like if a cop pulls you over and asks, "Do you know why I stopped you?" and...

Nurse Case Scenario

I have to go visit my mom, who's in the hospital in another state. She's really ill. Her boyfriend told me she's lost a lot of weight and it might be shocking to see her initially. I want to be strong for her, but I'm a big crier. I cry on every phone call, and it's awful. How do I show up for her and not let my feelings overwhelm me so she is not sad or worried about me and can concentrate on getting better?

--Emotional

When you're visiting a friend or loved one who's seriously ill, it's nice to show up b...

Charlie Brawn

If a guy is trying to amp up his attractiveness by working out, what areas of the body should he focus on? What do women notice and want? And how much of that can I get without any kind of surgery or dangerous potions?

--Office Bod

If a woman says to you, "You're like family to me," it shouldn't be because you have arms like her sister.

Women seem to go for the body shape that evolutionary psychologists Rebecca Burch and Laura Johnsen refer to as "Captain Dorito." This describes the golden...