Hugh Houston's Blog, page 10

A Willing Slave

As I look back on it all now, I was A WILLING SLAVE. Sin called and I answered. It was so charming, alluring and exciting. It felt so good. What could be wrong with that? Sin offered me pleasure and I wasn’t hurting anyone. Sin made thousands of promises and I believed them all, but I don’t think sin kept a single one.  I really should have grown suspicious (but I didn’t) when I was never satisfied, no matter how good it seemed at the time. I always wanted more. It was never enough.

While I did it all of my own free will, I certainly did not realize what I was getting into. I never dreamed that sin would hound me for years and years to come. But I can’t say I didn’t want to sin. How long could I go without thinking about sin? How many hours would go by before I would want to pull up those lusty thoughts and fondle them in my mind?  I claimed I was enslaved by this entity sometimes called pornography or lust or desire.  But when I face the truth head-on, I’m forced to admit that I sabotaged myself.

I kept telling myself that what I was doing was harmless. It was my private problem.  I would take care of in due time.  Yet I never told anyone. Not my wife. Not my best friend. Not a soul.

I took advantage of every opportunity I had to see just a little more and take another peek. I became an expert at looking over my shoulder, covering my tracks and not getting caught. Why go to so much trouble, if what I was doing was okay?

I was a slave for over 30 years. I don’t know why I waited so long to finally tell someone. But eventually, I realized that I would never escape unless I got help. I was already in a very bad place and I perceived that this could easily get exponentially worse.  That’s when I knew I had to take action. Contrary to what I had told myself for all of those years, I was not a victim. I was a willing participant.

What looked so delightful and promising was actually very deadly and enslaving. It has the power to destroy me, my family and almost everything I value. Thousands and thousands of lives have been destroyed by this trap called lust.  I don’t want to be a slave, and with God’s help, I will not be a slave any longer.

The Bible says in Romans 6:16-23:

“Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness.  What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

How much better to be a slave to Jesus than to be enslaved by uncontrolled passions and desires.  Living in sin only leads to regret and destruction.  Doing what is right and good and true leaves me smiling, knowing that it was all worthwhile.

I don’t have to be a slave anymore.  Jesus came to give sight to the blind and set the captives free (Luke 4:18).  I’m not doomed to give in to my selfish cravings, following every desire that pops into my head.  God, in his great mercy, offers life to the dead and hope to the hopeless.  His grace not only offers you and me forgiveness for all of our past mistakes; He also provides the means to do good works. This is our mission in life!  Read Ephesians 2:3-10.  We can become the kind of people who normally and naturally produce good fruit.  Now that’s a life worth living!

 

If you would like to know more you can find my book on Amazon:

Joy In Jesus

No matter how dreadful your mistakes, there is forgiveness.  You can start anew.  His grace reaches lower than your worst mistakes.

George Herbert wrote this poem about 400 years ago:

LOVE bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lacked anything.

A guest,’ I answered, ‘worthy to be here:’

Love said, ‘You shall be he.’

‘I, the unkind, the ungrateful? Ah, my dear,

I cannot look on Thee.’

Love took my hand and smiling did reply,

‘Who made the eyes but I?’

‘Truth, Lord; but I have marred them: let my shame

Go where it doth deserve.’

‘And know you not,’ says Love, ‘Who bore the blame?’

‘My dear, then I will serve.’

‘You must sit down,’ says Love, ‘and taste my meat.’

So I did sit and eat.

In this poem, love represents Jesus.  Look how Jesus sees you. You may feel that you are unworthy, “not enough,” but the One who loves you looks at you through the lens of love.  He sees you as who you can be, as the person he intended for you to be.  And he is the one who invites you and me to sit down and eat with him, to be with him.

Jesus extends the same invitation in the final chapter of the Bible:

“The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!”

And let the one who hears say, “Come!”

Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.”

Revelation 22:17

What is the key for you and me to finally escape the prison of habitual sins? We need to find our peace, happiness, and fulfillment in Jesus.  When we are at home with our Lord, enjoying the living waters he offers us, we will no longer desire to search for fulfillment anywhere else.

HOW PORN DISTORTED MY VIEW OF SEX

Yesterday, at a friend’s recommendation, I read a blog post where a loving, Christian wife encouraged others to perform oral sex on their husbands.  (She provided more details than I will include here, as I plan to keep this rated PG-13 or below.)

I found it interesting that right off the bat she stated that many husbands have watched porn where men degrade women and use women for their own self-gratification.  She also mentioned how a husband might want his wife to do something to recreate a scene from porn.

This took my mind back to where I was several years ago when I was caught up in the compulsive cycle of porn.  My wife knew nothing about my addiction.  I can remember buying certain kinds of clothing for her to wear when we were having sexual relations, because I had seen and been aroused by it in porn.

Years later after I had confessed my obsession with porn to my wife it practically killed her.  She felt betrayed and rejected.  I was told that as the betraying party, in order to rebuild trust with my wife after having lived a double-life for decades, that I needed to be completely honest with her and answer any questions she had about what I did, when I did it, etc.

One day she asked me point blank if when I was making love to her I had ever thought about the women of porn.  I had to say “Yes, I did.”  You can imagine how that revelation cut her to the heart and angered her.  I had been with her, touching her, but my mind was focused on someone else.  I had invited other women into our bedroom without her knowledge and without her consent.  I preferred to become aroused imagining their bodies rather than cherishing the body of the person I was with, the mother of my children and the person I promised to be faithful to until death do us part.

I felt so ashamed.  What had I done?  Why did I allow this to go on for so many years?  How could I have betrayed my wife and my best friend in such a blatant, vulgar manner?

One of my excuses for remaining hooked on porn was that nobody was getting hurt.  I did it alone.  I wasn’t committing adultery.  I wasn’t really with another woman.  I wasn’t actually cheating on my wife.  They were just “pictures”, dots on a screen.

Of course all of that was a lie.  Porn invaded my thoughts and every corner of my life.  Lust ruled my heart and it even invaded my most intimate moments with the woman who lovingly gave herself to me.

I now understand clearly that porn is anti-love.  By it’s very nature it is the definition of selfishness.  Porn takes.  Porn uses.  Porn abuses.  Porn hurts.  Porn is all about the unholy trinity of me, myself and I.

I’m sure that some women are just fine with the idea of performing oral sex on their husbands.  There are probably some who even enjoy it.  However I know my wife does not want to do that.  And I noticed the blog post I read already had 55 comments.  Almost all of the wives who replied talked about how they were uncomfortable with this.  Many were willing to do it in order to make their husbands happy.  But why should they need to do so?

As a husband my job is to make my wife happy.  I can remember one day as a child my father was talking to me about democracy.  He said “Your rights end, where the other person’s rights begin.”  What a husband and wife do behind closed doors is their business.  But love does not manipulate others.  Love does not coerce the beloved.  Love does not impose it’s own will on the one it strives to please.  Love loves!  Love cares! Love listens!  Love gives!  Love honors!  Love gratefully receives what it’s been offered.

As I look back today I can see how porn distorted my view of sex.  I used to think I had an extremely high need for sex.  Only later did I realize it was only because I had porn on the brain and was thinking about sex all the time.  How has porn distorted my view of sex?  I believe it is impossible for me to truly know to what extent porn has contaminated my brain.

Today I understand that sex is a great blessing created by the One who loves us the most.  My wife and I deeply enjoy our intimate moments together today more than we ever have.  We don’t have sex.  We make love.  I don’t demand.  I seek to give and so does she.  I don’t need to request that she do something that makes her feel uncomfortable.  Sex the way our Creator designed it already brings pleasure and ecstasy that are out of this world.

Now that I don’t walk around with sex on my mind 24/7, the occasions when my wife and I are alone behind closed doors are even more special and more precious.  I’m more grateful and I smile more often.

I watched porn to find pleasure.  For thirty years of our marriage I had this secret life.  My wife was unaware of what I was doing when she wasn’t looking.  But she knew something was wrong.  She could see that I was smiling less.  I was not fun to be around.  I was in many ways blind to the fact that porn was destroying me from the inside out.

Now that I have broken free from this addiction, I’ve worked on having a balanced and healthy view of sex.  I thank God for setting me free. My life is so much happier.  Our marriage is a hundred times better. My expectations have gone.  Joy has appeared.  Gratitude reigns.  And I believe the Creator smiles as He looks down on a couple who has learned that the best sex can only be had when it’s simply one ingredient in the recipe called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

CAN GOOD COME FROM EVIL?

It’s never right to do something wrong.  And bad is never good.  I certainly don’t thank God for my long, painful and perverse involvement with pornography.  I’m ashamed of what I did for so many years, and for not seeking help sooner.  I wish I had never gotten involved in this sin and had never put my wife through so much torment. I plead with everyone who is caught up in this cycle of lust to get help immediately.

Nonetheless, I can identify some blessings that I have received as a result of my mistakes.  One of my favorite stories in the book of Genesis is the story of Joseph in Egypt.  It is a masterful story of redemption.

While still a teenager, Joseph who is his father’s favorite, is betrayed by his own brothers and sold as a slave.  Yet in Egypt, with God’s help, Joseph rises up to be Pharaoh’s, right-hand man.  In Genesis 50:20 Joseph tells his brothers:  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”  My interpretation is that God can use evil and transform it into something good.  Or in other words, God can mine something valuable out of a pit full of muck.

Dallas Willard stated: “What God gets out of my life is the person I become.  What I get out of my life is the person I become.”

I believe I am a better person now as a result of my struggle to fight my way out of this compulsive addiction than I would have been if I had never faced this challenge.  The strain of this undertaking has, at times, been overwhelming, yet I believe it has been a time of growth.  This process is helping me improve as a person.  I hope I am becoming a man of character.

I found there’s nothing like ending up in the bottom of a pit to help me appreciate the One who is there to save me.  I know full well that I can’t do this alone.  I remember reading the short but direct Breton Fisherman’s Prayer: “Dear God, be good to me; the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.”  I sure can’t lick this problem alone.  I need help.  My boat is really small. I need the Lord.  If my pain helps me look to the One who can heal my pain, then perhaps my pain isn’t totally bad.

Raising my hand and saying out loud that I chose to be selfish and to put my own feelings and emotions above almost everything else shows me how weak I am.  Admitting my mistakes and the fact that I went back and fell into the same slime pit time after time reveals to me how utterly helpless I am.  All of this should keep me humble.

I’ve always thought of myself as a hard worker and a good provider for my family. In my own mind, I was a faithful husband and a dedicated Christian.  Nevertheless, as the prophet states in Isaiah 64:6: “all of my righteous acts are like filthy rags.” I was more concerned about my own pleasure and feeling good for an instant than I was about anything else.  How can I ever say that I am better than anyone?  Before I judge others, I have to say with all clarity and honesty: “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

The greatest blessing of all is that when I reach the bottom of the barrel, from there the only place to look is UP.  Down at the bottom of the barrel I have discovered without a shadow of a doubt that I do not have the answer.  I need help and I need it very badly.  My case is drastic, and my case is urgent.  I need a Savior!

I’m not proud of my mistakes. It seems I had to come to know and understand what it means to be lost before I could truly appreciate the tremendous blessing of being found and pardoned.  Having taken a peek at darkness made me appreciate the light that much more!  Having looked evil in the eye, makes me exceeding grateful for His goodness, His love, His grace, His compassion, His mercy, and His faithfulness.

Now that He has shown me the light, I find great satisfaction in doing what I can to lead others to the light.  I pray that as you read these words you will see your own failings and realize that there is only one way out.

Evil is never good.  But when the darkness causes us to search for the light, perhaps we can say that God used something bad to lead us to what we needed and were searching for all along.

 

Taken from the book:  JESUS IS BETTER THAN PORN

DOOMED TO FAIL?

A friend recently posted in Facebook:  “From my experience with pornography, it’s inevitable to fail.”  Then he said the good thing about this is it helps us keep reaching out to God as a lifelong habit.

I agree with a few things here.  First, many people, including myself, fight this battle for years and fail time after time after time.  Also, failure helps keep me humble.  And hopefully my sins will lead me to seek the Lord, confess my sins, repent of my sins, pray for His forgiveness and ask for His help.  I also agree that this side of glory none of us will ever be perfect.

Where I disagree is that it is inevitable to fail. How many other sins do we NOT commit? I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t use four letter words. Why should I be stuck going back to lust and porn?  Am I doomed to remain in the compulsive cycle of addiction for the rest of my life? Can’t Jesus set me free? And if HE can do that, what does HE want me to do in order for this to happen?

I found that I needed to get help.  I had to confess my sin, bring it out into the light and admit how wrong I was.  I also had to work on my thoughts and my desires. I needed to learn to HATE my sin.  I needed to see it as it really is.  I needed to put a stop to OLD habits and train in order to form NEW habits. This took time and effort just like it would if I wanted to learn to play the piano or to play tennis.

But thank God, with His help and a new strategy, today I’m free! I don’t want that stuff anymore. It’s UGLY. It’s WRONG. Our Father loves the people I have treated as objects of lust. May I always treat them as His children and offer them my utmost respect.

Everything Jesus asked us to do, He is ready to help us put into practice.  Obviously, there is always work to do as I seek to be the person Jesus wants me to be. We are all “in progress”.  I’m still dealing with a variety of sins (selfishness, pride, lust, anger, laziness—all mixed up in varying proportions).  But the Lord is here beside me to help me. I have brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow-strugglers who can encourage me and point me in the right direction.

Praise the Lord!  In HIM there is HOPE!  Your life CAN be different.  You are NOT doomed to keep repeating yesterday’s sins today.  We always have a choice.  May today be a day lived with no regrets, dedicated to pleasing our Lord and blessing those He places in our life on this day called “The Present”.

A NEW MIND

There were times when I reasoned that dealing with porn was worse than an addiction to alcohol or cocaine because everywhere I went, my thoughts went with me. I had a library of impure images filed away in my brain.  How could I ever get rid of them?  These obscene thoughts had invaded every corner of my mind.  They were with me when I laid my head on my pillow at night and when I woke up in the morning.  How could I avoid them?  I felt like my brain was a haunted house inhabited by a million ghosts.

Imagine an empty glass.  It’s not really empty, it’s full of air.  Now imagine trying to get all of the air out of the glass.  You might try using a vacuum cleaner, but that probably won’t work. The easiest way to get the air out of the drinking glass is to fill it with something else, like water.  The water goes in and the air goes right out.

That’s what I had to do with my brain.  How could I get rid of all of those obscene thoughts that hounded me day and night?  I had to focus my mind on good things.  As I learned to dwell on healthy thoughts, I began to win the battle against those lusty images that attempted to take control of my mind. The apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit gave this advice to the Philippians:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

Motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar urged people to get rid of “stinking thinking”. Well, there is nothing worse than a carnal mind using other people for its own selfish ends.  The best way I know of to push all of those immoral images from my brain is to replace them with thoughts which are pure, true, noble, admirable, and excellent.  Our primary battleground in the war against this plague (or any other undesirable practice), lies in what we decide to think about, what we allow to occupy the space between our ears.

In 1427 Thomas A. Kempis wrote the following in The Imitation of Christ:

“Above all, we must be especially alert against the beginnings of temptation, for the enemy is more easily conquered if he is refused admittance to the mind and is met beyond the threshold when he knocks.  First, a mere thought comes to mind, then strong imagination, followed by pleasure, evil delight, and consent. Thus, because he is not resisted in the beginning, Satan gains full entry. And the longer a man delays in resisting, so much the weaker does he become each day, while the strength of the enemy grows against him.”

This has certainly been true in my life. When I resist temptations right off the bat, I do just fine. But if I give in just a hair, leave the door ajar just a fraction of an inch, it soon becomes almost impossible not to yield.  My best strategy (really the only strategy that works) is to avoid every impure thought and to stay as far away from the slippery slope as possible.

In his book on prayer, Philip Yancey stated: “Prayer involves a ‘renewing of the mind’, a two-stage process of purging out what displeases God and damages me (the same thing, it turns out) and allowing God to fill my mind with what matters far more.” (pg.166) This is exactly what has to be done in order to fill my mind with pure and noble thoughts.

Filthy or impure thoughts cannot be toyed with.  Only a fool tries to see how close he can get to the edge of the slippery slope before sliding down all the way to the bottom.  The best way to head off feelings of lust is to nip them in the bud.  Act quickly, vigorously, and decisively.  Be radical.  It is the only way to ever break free from the compulsive cycle of porn and lust.

MINIMIZING – THE LIES WE TELL OTHERS AND OURSELVES

As a missionary I felt like I was in a double bind. I couldn’t continue to go back to pornography time after time, yet I didn’t know who I could talk with about this dark, dirty secret I had been hiding for years.  Finally I was at a conference with fellow missionaries.  One of our speakers was himself a former missionary and he spoke on how all of us are tempted and on the need to confess our sins in order to find healing.  Later that day I asked him if we could talk in private.  We sat down at a table in the hotel where we were staying and I opened up with him about my compulsive sin.  And I remember saying that if I ever told my wife what I had been doing, she would be devastated.

So when I finally worked up the courage to confess my involvement with porn to my wife, I knew, but I didn’t know, how hard this would be on her.  I thought that it would hurt her something like 97 or 98 on a scale from 1 to 100.  The truth is her pain and sense of betrayal were more like 1000 on a scale from 1 to 100.  I had been warned that she would take it hard and that the recovery process would be slow.  But when I finally had to face it head on, it was all much more severe than I had ever imagined.

In one way this is not surprising because I had become a master at minimizing my “problem”.  I didn’t even call what I did pornography.  I just looked at pictures of women without their clothes on.  Every man likes that, right?  Women are beautiful right?  Isn’t the human body a form of art?  I don’t know if that was me lying to me or the devil lying to me, but it certainly wasn’t the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I discovered that most of my recovery from this sin involved replacing the lies with the truth.  I was blessed by finding a support board where guys went to talk about their addiction to pornography and to help each other beat this ugly beast.  And one section of that board was reserved for the “partners”, i.e. wives and girlfriends who went to talk about how they were dealing with this great tragedy.

I used to pride myself by saying that I had never cheated on my wife and that I had never so much as flirted with another woman.  Well this is what one of those ladies on the support board wrote back to me in this regard:  “If you’ve logged on and viewed pornography in your home, you have cheated at home, You have brought your porn girlfriends into your home. You did not go to a strip club, instead you brought a parade of strippers and prostitutes right in your home to perform for your viewing pleasure in private.

Porning is way worse than flirting. You are having mental and emotional sex with those women just as if they are right in front of you. You cheated with hundreds or even thousands of women behind your wife’s back. It sounds like you want to play it down so it won’t sound so bad.  You are just as bad as all the other guys who cheat on their wives in whatever form they do it. Adultery is adultery. Calling it pornography doesn’t make it not adultery.”

That’s exactly how my wife felt.  Her storybook marriage was over.  She had never “signed up” for any of this.  We met at Bible college.  I was preparing to be a missionary.  How could she ever have imagined that I would be cheating on her behind her back over and over again? She told me that it was totally unfair for me to put her in this situation.  I created this horrible problem and now she had to go to a counselor for therapy.  She went to a doctor to get medication.  She had to read books on betrayal and porn addiction.

Yet, because of her love for me and her love for the Lord she did all of that and more.  We did not work through our problems in a matter of weeks or months.  It took a few years.  If I recall correctly it took her between five and six months to say out loud for the first time, “I forgive you.”  Those were sweet words to my ears, but not easy for her to say.

And through it all I did my best to do my part.  Of course my first job was and is to remain clean and pure.  But I also learned that she was going through the stages of grief.  Anger is one of those stages.  I learned that anger comes in waves.  The waves can be huge and destructive, but before you know it they pass by and calmer seas return.  I learned to say time after time:  “You are right.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.”

And since she didn’t want just a bunch of empty words I tried to show her my love through my actions.  I would get up early and make her breakfast. Sometimes she didn’t even want me to touch her, but when she would let me, I would massage her feet.  I washed dishes and washed the clothes.  I did whatever I could think of to show her that she could count on me and that I was there to be her friend and her partner.

Those darkest days are now over ten years behind us.  Our love for each other is deeper and stronger than ever.  We both made a choice to stick together and beat this together with the Lord’s help.  It wasn’t always easy.  But it sure has been worth it.  Love is better than hate.  Love perseveres. And that’s our strategy from here on out.

By Hugh Houston, author of the new book:  JESUS IS BETTER THAN PORN: How I Confessed my Addiction to My Wife and Found a New Life.  Available on Amazon at:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DMF6ZQS

WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF ME?

All addictions are a form of self-medication.  I turn to my addiction in an attempt to fix what’s wrong within me, to find comfort or happiness for myself because if I don’t look after number one, who else will?

There are so many stresses in life.  So many uncertainties.  Problems arise and the pressure mounts.  Where will I find relief?  How can I escape and find a place to relax and feel better?

Porn became that place of relief and excitement for me.  A place to go when I was bored or lonely or felt burdened.  I’m not a smoker.  And I confess that I have looked down on smokers who feel stressed and immediately think they need a cigarette in order to calm their nerves.  Yet I did the same thing with porn.  I never admitted to this fact.  I always just thought of it as something that was fun or pleasurable, not as a way for me to escape and find solace.

Now I can see that rather than get the help I needed from the Good Shepherd, I was running to this sinful pleasure thinking that it could fill the hole in my soul, that empty spot in my life.  Of course this was all a grand illusion.  As I looked at porn I further isolated myself from my family, my friends and my Lord.  The empty place down in my soul kept getting larger rather than smaller.

Whether I admitted it in words or not, deep down I was declaring that this makes me feel good.  I will keep coming back to it because I have to take care of myself.  Nobody else is going to give me what I need.

Or to put it another way, I was turning my back on God and saying that he cannot be counted on, that he is not enough, that I have to take matters into my own hands in order to find contentment and satisfaction.

Just as I used porn, others have turned to a bottle or a wallet or fame or a fix.  I pray that one day everyone will open their eyes to see the truth.  These addictions only pretend to bring joy. It really is true. I can’t take care of myself.

As the 12 steps of AA remind us, I am powerless to solve all of my problems.  That’s why I look to the One who is greater than I am.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, because he gives me everything I need.  My life is in good hands.  He is taking good care of me.  I’m so very grateful.  It’s great to be home.

ONE VERSUS NONE

I think most of us know what God said in the beginning:  “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”  Genesis 2:22-24

Marriage means one man and one woman together for as long as they both shall live.  The marriage vows we commonly hear our: “I take thee, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance.”

I knew when I got married that I was pledging to be faithful to my wife.  To love only her.  To never betray her.  To be her one and only and have her as my one and only.

The problem is that lust and porn is the exact opposite.  Desires are never satisfied.  Lust always wants more.  The person who is addicted to pornography can spend hours looking at image after image, because none of those images will ever be enough.  There is always a longing to see just one more.

This is one reason why my wife could not understand how I could proclaim that my looking at porn was really not about her.  (She was correct in that by looking at porn I was betraying her and going against our wedding vows.)  None of the women I saw were good enough.  It’s not that my wife is not attractive nor desirable.  It’s that lust is an animal that is always hungry and always wants just a little bit more.

In my book I use the example of the person who is thirsty and in an effort to quench their thirst they drink seawater.  They can drink gallon after gallon and their thirst will only increase.  That’s how it is with porn and lust. Looking at porn does not satisfy our desires, rather it heightens and increases our desires.

Only true, genuine love can satisfy and bring true joy. I’ve discovered that now.  My wife and I have been married for over 40 years.  Her skin may not be as smooth as it was on our wedding day, but she is more beautiful than ever in my eyes.  I have traded the many for one.

No pornographic image can ever be enough for the person who is seeking a high.  But one partner is plenty for the spouse who has learned what our Creator intended from the beginning.

When Adam looked at Eve he saw his dream come true.  She was a gift from the Father.  She was, as the Lord stated:  “A helper suitable for him”.

I deeply regret the time I wasted seeking fulfilment and excitement in all the wrong places.  How mistake I was!  Pornography could never fill the hole in my soul. Not in a million years!

Only the Lord can meet my deepest longings. And He is the one who placed a flawed human being in my life to be my very best friend and companion.  The one I love and cherish.  The one who, with His help, will remain by my side until death do us part.

My book, JESUS IS BETTER THAN PORN: How I Confessed my Addiction to My Wife and Found a New Life, is available at: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DMF6ZQS

What Makes A Temptation Tempting?

What makes a temptation tempting?  I’ve mulled this over in my head over the past twelve years.  Why am I not tempted to smoke a cigarette or to drink a beer?  I see those things and I don’t give them a second thought.  Some people struggle for years to give up these habits.  The difference lies in the desire.  I am only tempted by the things I desire.  I believe we create, or at least we permit our own temptations.

If this is the case, then the key to victory in this battle against sin and temptation is to attack our desires.  It is essential to work at changing or controlling our desires.  Today I can’t tell you I’m no longer tempted in the area of lust, but the degree to which I am tempted has diminished dramatically.  God created us as beings with many capacities.  Change is not easy, as you already know from your own experience.  How many people sign up at a gym in January with a determination to get in shape, but by March have already lost their drive?

The Bible tells us that God always provides a way out when we are tempted to sin:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

Change is possible.  This is not an impossible task.  Sin comes along and offers what looks enticing.  And like a fish looking at the worm in the water, we can’t see the hook that lies underneath.  Through prayer and by focusing on what we know to be true and right, over time we will see the worm and think about the hook and all of the pain it will bring.  By intentionally focusing our thoughts on good things, our desire for what is wrong will diminish and no longer run rampant, dominating our minds.  One of the greatest blessings I’ve gained now that I’ve found this new freedom is to have a clear head, with clean thoughts.

In 1988, Iron Eyes Cody told this old Indian legend in Guideposts magazine. (published in Wisdom Well Said, 2009 Levine Mesa Press):

Many years ago, Indian youth went away in solitude to prepare for manhood. He hiked into a beautiful valley. There he fasted. But on the third day, as he looked up at the surrounding mountains, he noticed one tall rugged peak, capped with dazzling snow. I will test myself against that mountain, he thought. He put on his buffalo-hide shirt, threw his blanket over his shoulders and set off to climb the peak. When he reached the top he stood on the rim of the world. He could see forever, and his heart swelled with pride. Then he heard a rustle at his feet, and looking down, he saw a snake. Before he could move, the snake spoke.

“I am about to die,” said the snake. “It is too cold for me up here and I am freezing. There is no food and I am starving. Put me under your shirt and take me down to the valley.”

“No,” said the youth. “I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite, and your bite will kill me.”

“Not so,” said the snake. “I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, you will be special. I will not harm you.”

The youth resisted awhile, but this was a very persuasive snake. At last, the youth tucked it under his shirt and carried it down to the valley. There he laid it gently on the grass, when suddenly the snake coiled, rattled, and leapt, biting him on the leg.

“But you promised…” cried the youth.

“You knew what I was when you picked me up.” said the snake as it slithered away.

It is up to me to recognize my own weaknesses and know where the danger lies.  Temptations begin inside of my own heart.  It is essential for me to look honestly inside of my soul and admit that I am only tempted when the desire to sin dwells within me.  This means it is essential for me to develop a strategy to replace these desires for harmful activities, with a desire to seek the Lord.  This transformation in my thought process will not happen in one day or in one week or even in one month.  But modifying my thoughts is the only way to develop a new life, a life worth living.

John Owen said, “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.”  Temptations cannot be toyed with.  The hook is always there to destroy us.  But with God’s help, over time, it is possible to kill these desires that lead to sin.  The Bible gives us this ray of hope in the book of James:

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you.

James 4:7

If your thoughts are bad tenants, evict them before they destroy the house.  Kicking them out and keeping them out is a full-time job, especially in the beginning.  Yet as time goes on and you acquire new habits, you will find this whole process gets much easier.

Matthew Henry wrote:

“The joy of the Lord will arm us against the assaults of our spiritual enemies and put our mouths out of taste for those pleasures with which the tempter baits his hooks.”

The best way to avoid the hook is to find our satisfaction and pleasure in Jesus.  Then the hook of lust will have no power to lure us away from the Lord.  Counterfeit joy is no match for the true joy which only the Lord can offer.