Hugh Houston's Blog, page 11

No Longer Alone

What’s the saddest thing about my involvement with pornography?  I’m ashamed to say that it means that I treated women as objects to be lusted after for my own pleasure.  I turned my back on God in order to gratify myself in my own way, by my own efforts.  I wasted so much time that I could have used in a productive way. The list could go on and on.

But this sin also hurt me.  As was the author of this crime and the perpetrator of this grave evil yet I consider myself to be a victim as well.  This sin took the life out of me.  It took me a while to recognize this reality.  In the beginning the excitement and the thrill seemed to provide me with joy.  Over time I saw that in addition to the provocative bodies, one of the things that appealed to me most were the smiles.

In real life, with a real person, things don’t always go well.  There are disagreements and times when one person has to give in order to please the other person.  In the world of porn everything seems to be a “yes”.  “Yes, I want you.  Yes, I’m ready.  Of course now is a good time.  I’m happy to see you and I want to make you happy.”

It seems like a great relationship.  One where everybody is happy.  Everybody is smiling.  Except that none of it is real.  It’s all just a show.  It’s a total farce.

So where did I end up?  It certainly wasn’t in a relationship.  I was all alone.  Just me and some pages in a magazine or some dots on a screen.  And the more I searched for porn, the lonelier I got.

I knew that what I was doing was wrong.  And since it was wrong I could never tell anyone.  So my secret kept me in the dark and kept me away from those who could help me.  The shame was extremely overpowering and condemning.  I was deathly afraid of letting anyone see my dark, evil secret.

I worked so hard to not be discovered but deep down, what my soul longed or was to be found. I needed a real person to talk with. I needed to confess my sin and know that help exists.  I needed to know that in spite of the mistakes I had made for so many years, that my sins could be forgiven and I could start over again.

It was only when I was finally willing to admit my mistakes, that I was able to connect with those I needed the most.  Only then could I know that I was being accepted as I really am, with all of my faults, weaknesses and failings.

Some people say that it’s hate that drives people to porn.  I think it was love that took me there.  A desire for love.  A very false, distorted sense of belonging.  Porn never gave me love. And I never found love there.  Because love is very different from a thrill or a fake smile.  Love has to be genuine.  Love has to be real.  It was real love that I needed and real love that I wanted.  And finally — that’s what I found.  It was like a gift from heaven.

Love found me and I found love.  Love is one person helping another. Love is forgiving and being forgiven.  It was not easy for my wife to forgive me for betraying her hundreds and thousands of times.  Yet she did.  Out of love.  Love for God.  Love for our family.  And love for me.

Of course it was actually the Lord who found me and brought me home.  My story was like the prodigal son who had turned his back on the father and wasted so much valuable time and energy.  Yet when I finally woke up and came to my senses, the Lord was right there ready to receive me and to tell me that He really was willing to have me come back and to love me as one of his precious children.

I was lost but he found me. I was in the darkness and he showed me the light.  I was dead in that world of evil and he rescued me and gave me life.

Praise the Lord I’m no longer alone.  I have my wife.  I have my family. I can reach out to others who have struggled with this sin and offer them a helping hand.  And most of all I have my Father and he assures me that I will never ever be alone again.

 

Was Sex My God?

I gave my life to Christ when I was a teenager. Even now I can remember coming up out to the baptistery, soaking wet, and feeling clean and forgiven.  I had a new life.  I was on the road to heaven.

Yet, even as a kid I had always been tempted sexually.  I understand that we are sexual being.  But I knew that I had done things I shouldn’t have done. Part of my problem was that I would always try to keep my sins a secret so that nobody would know.

In high school I can remember looking in magazines to lust after the women who were either not wearing much or nothing at all.  I ended up going to seminary and became a missionary.  But that did not keep me from lusting after women in my mind and in my heart.  I got married to a fantastic woman who has given me emotional and physical love.  That also did not cure me of my desire to seek out the thrill I had discovered in pornography.

Mine was a double life.  I taught God’s word to others.  Anyone looking at me and my life saw a person who was dedicated to his family and to his church.  Yet, late at night or when no one was looking, something inside of me continued to pull me to search for provocative material.

Just this week I was talking with someone about masturbation.  He believes it is something that he needs and that most men need.  He told me how we have biological needs and if our wives are not there to meet those needs then masturbation is a “handy” solution.

As I reflected on what he said I remembered how important sex was for me for much of my life.  I thought about it far too much.  At times it dominated my soul.  I convinced myself that God had made me that way.  My need for sex was greater than that of the average person.  Therefore for me to satisfy myself with porn and masturbation was totally justifiable.

What I never would have admitted because I certainly did not believe it was true, was that to a large degree sex had become my god.  Yes, I read my Bible.  I prayed to the One True God. I did my best to teach my children the difference between right and wrong.  But when push came to shove, deep down within the depths of my heart my sexual desires often had the last word.

As I think back on some of the things I did, and risks I took, I can’t believe it.  And I thank God that somehow He kept me from doing other things that would actually be crimes.  But with sex running my life, I could very easily have crossed that line.

In his book, Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard observed, “Feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters.”  I now have to admit that by placing my sexual desires on the throne of my life I had made them my god.  And for far too many years I suffered the consequences of having these terrible masters running the show.

I thank God for waking me up.  I thank the Lord for helping me seek help. I am eternally grateful that He has forgiven me of this great stupidity on my part and for the great evil that I allowed to take root in my life.

I still enjoy sex. When my wife and I are together in bed I love not only coming to a climax, but also feeling her next to me.  What a blessing it is to know that she has seen my darkest secrets and still loves me.  The unity we feel in these moments is a gift from above.

The difference is that now I don’t worry about how many days it’s been since I experienced sexual release.  My thoughts are focused on other things.  Now I am at peace.  God supplies my needs.  He is my Good Shepherd and I don’t lack anything.  Having Him as my Master makes for a life worth living.

Thank you, Lord, for setting this captive free.  Thank you, for taking your rightful place on the throne in my heart. I’m still not everything I need to be, nor all you want me to be, but my life is very different now.  You have shown me the peace that passes understanding.

O God, You are my God and I will ever praise YOU!

 

The Truth Hurts. Lies Kill.

How could I continue to practice what I knew to be wrong and contrary to God’s will and still live with myself?  Only by justifying, rationalizing, minimizing and compartmentalizing my actions.

I had told myself so many lies.  One of the most important steps I had to take as I sought to find freedom from this compulsive sin was to recognize these falsehoods and face the truth head on.

One of my biggest excuses for my involvement with porn (and one many people use in regard to anger or worry or gluttony) was to tell myself that this was not something I wanted to do. It just “happened to me”.  The feeling was so strong and so powerful that I could not resist it.  Try as I might to do what was right, the pull was too great for me to resist.

My eyes were opened one day as I was taking the free course on Recovery Nation. There I discovered something Jon Marsh wrote.  He said if I were in the middle of looking at porn on my computer and heard someone approaching the room, I would quickly close out that page and navigate to another site.  I had no trouble taking control of a situation under those circumstances.  Why then, when I was all alone and imagined nobody would find out, did I believe it was impossible to resist the urge to go take a peek?

Here is where I think we find some bad news, which is actually good news.

The bad news is that I really do not have a good excuse for looking at pornography.  Sure, I have read how the repeated consumption of porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in the brain. But none of this means that I have lost my power to say ”No!” to temptation when it knocks.

I once told my wife that my problem was boredom.  She saw right though this flimsy excuse.  She said:  “Well why don’t you look at pictures of horses or race cars when you are bored?”

A friend once told me:  “The truth hurts.  Lies kill.”  So if the bad news is that all my rationalizations and justifications just flew out the window, the good news is that since this is my fault, then with the Lord’s help, I can fix it.  I’m not doomed to fail.  I’m not a robot who has now been hard wired to always look at porn.  I am a child of God and He is always there to help me.  I can choose to stop looking at that which is impure and improper and begin to develop new habits and find a new life.

The truth is, I always have a choice.  I am in charge.  I am responsible for my actions. Nobody held a gun to my head and compelled me to search for pornography on the Internet.  I decided to do it.  Today I can choose not to do it.

As a person who believes in the God who created the world and made each one of us, I believe what the Bible says – “with Him all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  I believe nothing is impossible for God (Luke 1:37).  If I’ve been making all sorts of mistakes, who’s to blame?  It’s that guy in the mirror!  I have no one to blame but myself.  If a bird made a nest on top of my head, at a minimum I allowed it to happen.  I could have chased it away.

On Recovery Nation, I also learned about triggers.  Perhaps we could call them hooks, those things that hook or grab your attention.  You see something and it triggers the desire to go look for something more.

I remember clicking on something I shouldn’t and then in a flash, I was clicking a second and third time. It felt like it all happened so fast that I couldn’t control it.  I once referred to these as “mindless” moments.  These were occasions where once I crossed the line, which could happen within just a matter of seconds, there was nothing to stop me until I had already gone too far. Somehow I just turned off my brain and refused to let reason have a voice.

For the person who is looking for an excuse, a trigger is all it takes to crash and burn.  A trigger comes along and a binge soon follows.  But none of this is written in stone.  It is not inevitable.  I had to learn that in actuality there are no “slips”, only bad choices which I make of my own free will.

And here is where I will insert the word “HOPE”.  This fact give me hope for a new life.  Yes, my life can be different.  Yes, I have already gone several days without looking at porn.  Yes, I can remain pure today.  Today I can walk in the light.  Today I can reject every indecent and unclean thought and decide to follow Philippians 4:8: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

It makes me very sad when I think about all those mistakes made over so many years.  But today I’m happy.  Happy to know that the Lord helped me choose a new path.  His truth has set me free. He brought me out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Today I choose to use my mind and my body to glorify the Lord!

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19,20

Working Your Plan

The familiar words of Jesus are ‘Without me you can do nothing’ (John 15:5). “But these must be balanced by the insight that, in general, if we do nothing it will certainly be without him” (Dallas Willard – The Divine Conspiracy: p.346).  In my life, Jesus never let me down.  I was the one letting Jesus down.  Praying all day long to be free from pornography’s grip on my soul was never going to help me until I decided to take action and take the steps necessary to seek a new life.

Is being transformed and finding a new life up to me, or is it up to God?  My answer is a resounding “Yes!” The apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit wrote to believers in the city of Philippi:

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose”.

Philippians 2:12-13

Verse 13 makes it clear that any progress I make in this life depends on the Father.  He is the one who plants the desire in my heart, and I need his help in order to achieve anything good in this life.  But verse 12 states obeying and growing is up to me.  I have to work out my salvation with fear and trembling.  In my conception of things, this question has no either/or solution.  The answer is both/and.  I must work as if all growth in my life is totally up to me and my effort while giving thanks to God because anything I managed to attain was only by his grace, with his help.

Willard uses the acronym “VIM”, which stands for the words “Vision, Intention, Means” to describe the general pattern of any kind of personal growth or transformation.

Take the case of a boy who as a young person wants to grow up and become a medical doctor.  The first step is to have a vision.  I would like to help people.  I see many people who are sick and I would enjoy being able to treat them and find a cure for their illnesses.  The second step is the intention.  One day I will be a medical doctor.  Then comes the biggest step, because it requires the most time and work, of applying the means to achieving the goal.  This young man will need to get good grades in high school.  He will need to take all the math and science classes he can find.  Then he will need to do the same thing in college as a pre-med major.  He will have to give up some of the social events other college kids take part in, so he can study hard and maintain a high grade point average.  Next, he will apply to a medical school and work for several more years in order to finally reach his goal.

Vision –> Intention –> Means

These past twelve years I’ve seen scores of guys go to sites that help people who long to break free from addiction to pornography. I’ve also talked with several guys face to face.  I notice the great distress they feel.  They are consumed by their lusts and desires, overwhelmed with the guilt and shame that follows.  If there is a happy side to this story it is that, in spite of the fact that society and the media bombard us with the idea that the human body is beautiful and should be admired and that sex between two consenting adults is healthy and normal, these guys still know first-hand something has gone haywire.  To me, the positive part of this story is that thousands of men from all walks of life, from teenagers to retired men, are crying out: “Please help me stop!”

What breaks my heart is that, as the weeks and months go by, I see these guys come and proclaim their eagerness to begin anew.  They come and post: “One day clean!” “Two days with no porn.”  “One week with no porn and no masturbation”.  There are threads where everyone commits to 30 days clean or 100 days clean.  And everyone rejoices when a fellow struggler actually reaches one of these milestones.  But more common is the guy who remained clean for a week or two, or maybe even three, and then says:  “I slipped.  Back to square one.”  It’s so terribly tragic!

Obviously, any new project, be it learning to play tennis or ride a bike, will always include failure. However, it is essential to realize that a “slip” didn’t just happen—it is part of a sequence of events.  If I don’t stop and analyze what happened and how it happened, and perhaps even get feedback from a wise friend on why it happened, then I’m doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  Just getting up and determining to try harder next time will not be enough—it will never work.  Trust me.  I know from experience, and I’m guessing you do, too!

That’s why it’s necessary to take the time to think about and write down what some would term a “battle plan”. Meaning, that you need “to plan your work and work your plan”.  If you really have a vision and want a new life, if you are sick and tired of being in a dark hole and you desire with all of your heart to walk in the light, then it’s time to be intentional and think about how you are going to get there.  What steps do you need to take today, tomorrow and the next day in order to reach your goal?

To simply proclaim “Now, I’m going to stop this for the next thirty days”, without any kind of a plan as to how to reach this goal is like trying to build a house on the sand.  There is nothing prepared to withstand the winds and storms which are bound to appear.  There has to be a “how”.  Intentional living entails working out the means, day in and day out.   Jesus said: “Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.”  Well, the reverse is also true.  Don’t seek and you will never find.  Don’t knock and you will remain out in the cold all night long.

My band teacher in junior high school used to say, “Perfect practice, makes perfect”. So, if I want to live a life worth living, I must develop good, healthy habits and practice living out those habits, one at a time, day in and day out.  It is essential to keep rehearsing the right thing, the right way, time after time, after time.  Then, slowly, the bad habits which kept me trapped in the old ruts will fly right out the window and my new, good habits will keep me on track, even when the going gets rough.  This is now the new normal!  It’s what I always do!  Now it feels natural.  It’s my new autopilot.  My new habits move me towards my goal of pleasing God and living right.

Your battle plan might look something like this:

Get rid of everything you might have related to porn—pictures, movies, links, etc.
Write in a journal every day about your feelings, goals, struggles, and successes.
Talk with someone who can help to hold you accountable and encourage you.
Read good books, take online courses, etc.
Remember, it’s not enough to stop doing what’s wrong. In order to become a better person, it is imperative that you fill your soul with that which only the Lord can give. Read and meditate on God’s word.
Memorize key Bible verses.
Talk with the Lord in prayer.
Work on improving your relationship with your spouse. Have fun together.  Serve others together.  Show your love in the little things—small acts of kindness.
Get out into nature, volunteer for a project, look for ways to help others.
Dig deeper in order to understand yourself and what led you to feel the need for this addiction. Counseling is a good idea.
Plan how you will deal with temptations and triggers before they happen.

I heard that a winner is a loser who keeps trying.  Never forget that. Like everything worthwhile, building a life worth living requires time, effort, and perseverance.  Permanent changes will not take place overnight.  Have you heard how to eat an elephant?  One bite at a time!  Recovery is that way.  It’s necessary to take small steps day by day, always with an eye on the finish line.

If I ever want to grow and improve as a person, I need people in my life who can help me look at myself in the mirror and perceive my actions as they really are. It doesn’t do me any good to be surrounded by people who tell me what a great guy I am when my life is in shambles.  It is essential to talk with people who will point me to the truth and help me face reality.  Willard said reality is what you run into when you are wrong. Someone else said: “The truth hurts, but lies kill.”

Jesus Loves ME?

We had our grandkids over for a couple of days.  At night when I was reading them a bedtime story I chose a book that includes Bible lessons.  On one of the pages the letters in the red balloons spelled out “GOD MADE YOU”!  Right then our three year old granddaughter interrupted me:  “Me”?  “Where does it say ME?  And where does it say brother?”  She wanted to me to point to the place on the page where it said God made her.  She took the message very personally.  It was meant just for her.  When I read “God made you” she said:  “ME”?

How would you read God’s word differently if every time you saw something that says God loves the world or Jesus loves everyone, that you took it personally.  Not that Jesus died to save the world, but that Jesus died for you?

Years ago, I heard that a Chinese man was reading Matthew 28:20 in the King James Version where it says:  “Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”  His name was Lo.  He grabbed onto that promise, as he saw it was meant for him.

How about putting your name or my name in there:  “_____ I am with YOU always!”  Does that make your day any better?  Will it help you as you deal with your problems?

Too often I have read the Bible and all of God’s promises and failed to see them as they really are – God’s letter to me!

I’ll never forget, not long after confessing to my wife that I had been hiding my addiction to pornography from her for the 30 years we had been married, I felt a heavy burden of guilt.  I was so sorry for my sins.  I felt so unworthy.  But it seemed like there was nothing I could do.  A song that touched my heart was “He’ll Do Whatever It Takes” by Phillips, Craig & Dean.  Part of the lyrics go like this:

“Could it be I’ve strayed beyond Mercy’s outstretched hand

And now His grace no longer stoops to hear my cry.

You see, I just wanna know, tell me how far will He go?

Will He still reach for me in spite of where I’ve been?”

He’ll do whatever, whatever it takes.

His grace reaches lower than your worst mistakes.

And His love will run farther than you can run away, my friend.

He’ll do whatever, whatever it takes.

That’s what I needed to hear, and know, deep down in my heart.  The gospel isn’t just for the guys who do everything their supposed to do.  Jesus loves sinners.  Jesus loves ME.  Jesus will reach out to YOU.  No matter what you did or where you’ve been, you can still come home.

The good news of Jesus really is for YOU!  Can you see your name there?

WHEN IS A LOSS A WIN?

I just saw an article in the New York Times talking about Virginia winning the NCAA basketball tournament.  The title is: “Virginia’s Historic Defeat Was Fundamental to Its Title.”

Personally, I was rooting for Texas Tech.  But I can’t help but feel happy for Virginia.  After being humiliated last season as the only number one seed in history to lose their first game to a number sixteen team, this is certainly a story of resilience and redemption.  Congratulations to everyone on this team for their “never say die” spirit and all their hard work to reach this goal.

How many of us have learned our most valuable lessons as a result of our most devastating defeats?  As I say in my book, wrong is never right and I’ll never thank God for my sins, but today I can see how God used my weaknesses and defeats to teach me lessons I probably would not and could not have learned otherwise.

My journal was one of my most important tools in my recovery.  In it I was able to write down exactly what happened when I failed.  When did it happen?  How did it happen?  Why did I allow it to happen?  The more I looked back on my mistakes, the more I learned and the better prepared I was to face and defeat tomorrow’s temptations.

Practically everything we ever face in life are situations we have seen before.  I had repeated the same mistakes over and over again for decades.  Until I finally woke up, and with God’s help, began to use my defeats as the key to the next victory.

You can do the same thing.  Why did you lose your temper today?  How did that happen?  What will you do differently so that next time you can keep your cool and deal with that situation in a calm patient manner?

I don’t think anybody likes to lose.  But quite often we learn more from our losses that from the victories.  Losses are excellent teaches.  A great opportunity to stop, reflect and identify the necessary changes so that tomorrow’s challenge can be faced with confidence.

I am tempted to lust every day.  But yesterday’s defeats have taught me how to head temptation off at the pass.  Since I know what’s coming and I know what’s worked in the past I know how to push those temptations aside and keep moving forward.

I’m much rather win than lose.  But a loss is a win when it helps me reach my goal of living for Jesus today, tomorrow and the next day.  Thank you, Jesus for your grace and mercy.  Thank you, Lord, for patiently teaching me and helping me to overcome yesterday’s defeats so that I can walk in the light today.

How Pornography Breaks All 10 of the 10 Commandments

A friend of mine sat down to examine how pornography had affected his life and discovered he had broken all 10 of the 10 commandments; the sins connected to porn addiction seem to cover them all!

Take a look at this list:

You shall not have any gods before me. – I set up pornography as a “god”.
You shall not make for yourself idols. – Pornography was a big idol for me.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. – I denied God in my heart and thought that he did not care about my sin.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. – Those impure images were in my head every day.
Honor your father and mother. – To my shame, I searched for porn in their house.
You shall not murder (or hate) – I’ve been hateful in my thoughts and actions.
You shall not commit adultery. – Pornography by its very nature means betrayal. Jesus said, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
You shall not steal. – I looked at what was not mine and stole from others.
You shall not give false testimony. – I lied time after time to cover my tracks.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house or wife. – The definition of porn.

A Treasure Map!

Too often, people view God’s word and God’s laws as something which prevent or prohibit us from doing things that are fun or enjoyable.  People imagine that becoming a Christian will mean they have to give up many of life’s pleasures.  And to some extent this may be true, yet the pleasures they forsake have undesireable consequences.  Proverbs 14:12 reminds us:  “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”

Rather than view the Lord’s commandments as something burdensome which keep us from having a good time, we should consider them to be a treasure map which show us the path to a life worth living.  As Psalm 119:105 states:  “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”  Just as people will go to great lengths or pay a high price to procure a treasure map, so we should value the precious truths contained in God’s word.  Psalm 19:10,11 proclaim:  “More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.  Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.”

This is what I discovered when I began my journey to break free from the grip pornography and lust held on my soul.  I thought that looking at and admiring the female body was a pleasure that brought me joy and contentment.  But I discovered that this lust in my heart tortured me and enslaved me.  It captivated my thoughts and left me always wanting more and more and more.  When I finally began to put into practice the wise counsel I found in the holy scriptures, I began to find the freedom I longed for.  As Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus:  “among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity”.  Just this one piece of advice, when followed to the letter, made a world of difference in my behavior and in my life.  Flirting with lust always left me desiring more.  Cutting off every hint of immorality or impurity, kept my mind clean and pure and slowly removed those consuming desires from my heart.

God’s word is a blessing; a true treasure chest of wisdom.  In keeping his word there really is GREAT REWARD.  I discovered that a transformed life is the result of renewing my mind.  (Romans 12:2)  No, his commandments are not burdensome, they are the ticket to a new life.  God’s teachings are the road map which you and I can follow to enjoy the greatest of all treasures; life with him, the greatest life imaginable.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Greatest Sinner of All?

I was never going to break free from pornography until I began to understand the seriousness of my problem. This is the first of the 12 Steps at AA:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. As long as I thought that my sin was bad, but not so bad, or that I was going to get past this on my own, nothing was ever going to change.

With God’s help I finally got to the point where I knew this could get infinitely worse if I did not seek help immediately.  That’s when I finally took my first step to freedom.

In 1 Timothy 1:15 the apostle Paul said: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus  came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.”

Paul knew that what he had done was a grave crime.  He saw the severity of his actions.  He admitted his guilt.  That led him to seek change and to want to help others find help.  I had to see pornography for what it really is.  That’s why this post may not be G rated.  I told myself that looking at women was normal.  Women are beautiful.  They should be admired and appreciated.  But that is not what porn is.  Porn is using another human being as an object, let’s say “a piece of meat” to be used and abused for my own sexual arousal and satisfaction.

Since I wrote my book I have met many kind, helpful people.  Several of these have agreed to take the time to read my manuscript and give me honest feedback.  This is of course essential.  Yet, occasionally I don’t agree with their point of view.  Recently one dear brother told me:

“One thing perhaps you could have done without is the regular reflections of the past in every chapter of the book.  Statements like, “I was a slave to porn” and “I regret so much what I did” are fitting for some chapters, but sound over applied in other chapters. It creates a tone that feels like a book-length apology.”

While I certainly can see what he’s talking about and I want to end my book on a positive note, I still am not sure that I agree.  Yes, Jesus forgives sinners.  Jesus forgave the apostle Paul and I believe he has forgiven me as well.  But as I look back on how I participated in lusting after women created by our Father, I can’t help but feel eternally sad and eternally sorry for my part in this crime.  A book-length apology is far too short for the gravity of this sin.

I don’t beat myself up over it every day.  But the more I talk with others about finding a way out of pornography the more I see how everyone gets hurt and how all of us are abusers as well as victims.  Maybe the porn industry took advantage of me but I did not say “NO!” I’ll never treat a human being like that.

I heard that in AA they have a saying that the person who cannot remember their last drink has not had it yet.  Recognizing sin for what it is, helps me pursue God and understand that holiness is a far better way to live.

Looking in the mirror and remembering that I am a sinner saved by the grace and mercy of our Lord helps me rejoice and be glad now on this day aptly named “The Present”.

 

THE PAIN OF CHANGE

Why did it take me so many years to finally break free from porn?

That’s a question I have asked myself a thousand times.  Obviously there are many answers and none of them reflects well on me.  Certainly one of the reasons was that I was afraid to admit to myself or to anyone else the gravity of my sin.  I was more worried about what other people would think of me than I was about finding a way out.  I was willing to endure the pain of remaining in the compulsive cycle of sin rather than pay the price for growth and change.

I was afraid of the pain of change. Change is not easy. It takes work. It comes at a price. But let me tell you, it certainly is worth it! Praise God, what a Marvelous Savior we have!

Today I regret having wasted so many years caught up in my addiction to lust.  Today my advice to everyone is get out of this mess as quickly as you can.  Whatever the price you have to pay will certainly be worth every penny.

The day I finally began to search for help and ask for help was the day my pain had grown so sharp that I just had to find some relief.  I was so tired of having my mind consumed with those images.  I longed for freedom.  I desired a new and different life.  A life with no regrets.

In order for that to take place I had to move out of my comfort zone and do the work that was required for growth.  Every worthwhile endeavor in this life requires planning and effort.  This new undertaking of mine would be no different.

Did I need the Lord’s help?  Absolutely!  Could I have done it without Him?  Of course not.  Yet it was up to me to admit the seriousness of my situation and to seek help and find answers.  I had to work to replace the lies of the enemy with the truth from God’s word.

Thank you, Lord for opening my eyes.  For giving me a shove.  For helping me take what for me was a very courageous first step.  One I should have taken years earlier.  But I’m so grateful that it finally happened.  Thankful for my new life.  Freedom is a glorious gift from above!