Hugh Houston's Blog, page 8

Only Jesus Can Fill The Hole In My Soul

“In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of God or spiritual-type thing to worship . . . is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you.” (David Foster Wallace, in a commencement speech he delivered at Kenyon College in 2005, entitled “This is Water”.)

Today I understand how pornography is self-worship.  It is such a heartbreaking business, leading those involved to die a million deaths.  Pornography is about me loving me. It’s the unholy trinity of me, myself, and I.  It’s me doing something for me because I want to do it because it makes me feel really good right now!  As I write these words, they cause me to stare into the mirror and want to vomit.  What a loathsome condition!  Me kneeling down before the altar of self; me not caring about anyone else but me.  There is no joy there.  No peace.  No fulfillment.  No satisfaction.  Just a great big giant hole that’s getting bigger by the second.  Looking in this mirror made me really, really scared.  Participating in pornography is plunging headlong into the dark pit of no return.

I need and want genuine relationships and true intimacy. Of course, genuine love will require effort on my part. I will have to spend time with people, and sometimes they will not respond the way I want them to respond.  But without a doubt, it’s more than worth the effort.  Who wants a fake diamond when they can own the bona fide article?  Who wants to cuddle up to a glossy photo when they could have a human in their life who cares about them and enjoys being with them?

A friend of mine says we all have what she terms “soul holes”.   I’ve heard other people say we all have a God-shaped hole which only He can fill.  In 1670, Blaise Pascal wrote:

“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words, by God himself.”

G. K. Chesterton said: “The man who knocks on the door of a brothel is seeking God.”

I don’t completely understand what led me to keep going back to pornography for all of those years.  Obviously, I was trying to find something.  I was using lust and excitement in an attempt to fill some kind of emptiness within my being.  It certainly wasn’t working.  Instead of quenching my thirst, I just kept getting thirstier!

In Confessions, Augustine of Hippo said succinctly: “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in Thee.”

Only when I learn to die to my desires for false love can I truly live.  Only as my heart longs for Jesus, will true love triumph over the tempter’s false promises. When I grow to value the Lord’s incalculable worth, offers of temporary pleasure will be seen for what they really are. The joy I feel as I experience Jesus’ love deep within me, will vaccinate me against the assaults of hollow thrills.  To love pornography is to buy into the lie that lust is better than Jesus, fake is better than real, false is better than genuine and temporary is better than eternal.

In “The Weight of Glory” (p. 26), C.S. Lewis wrote:

“If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased.”

What a travesty to settle for mud puddles when we could enjoy a vacation by the sea!

The human soul was created to relish and savor the fullness of Christ. Nothing else is big enough to fill that hole in our souls the way God intended.  Only the Lord is ample enough to cause lust to loosen its grip on my soul.  The cure for our pitiful addictions is to be overwhelmed by the preeminence of Jesus in all things.

After he retired from his counseling career, Carl Jung was asked how he helped people get well.  His response is quite enlightening:

“Most people came to me with an insurmountable problem. However, what happened was through our work together they discovered something more important than the problem and the problem lost its power and went away.”

Who is this something more important?  You probably know and love the 23rd Psalm, one of the best-known passages in scripture: “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.”  Or if we put it in the affirmative: “The Lord is my Shepherd; He gives me everything I need. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the quiet waters.  He refreshes my soul.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Without Him I am empty.  Without Him, it is all a farce.  I don’t want imitation love.  I don’t want a hole in my soul.  Only He can make me whole.  Complete.  Satisfied.  Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life!  Jesus isn’t just better; Jesus is the BEST!

See more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

What’s the Best Way to Get to Know Jesus?

If Jesus is the best, then what’s the best way to get to know Jesus? We can’t sit down and talk with Jesus in the living room, nor walk with him down by the sea of Galilee.  But when we read and meditate on what Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John wrote about the Son of God, he becomes real to us.  We can get to know him there and learn from not only the words he spoke but from the way he acted and the way he treated others.

As you read through these books, one chapter at a time, ask yourself these questions.  It will probably be helpful to write down your answers.

Who is Jesus?  Not who is the Jesus you hear about on TV or learned about from a friend.  But who is Jesus in the book of Matthew or in the gospel according to John?Why did Jesus come to earth? What was his mission?  What was his aim?  What was most important to him?  These statements may not be as obvious but if you look for them, you will find them.What does Jesus expect from me?  How does knowing Jesus change my life?  I think the answer to this question is usually obvious once you have answered the first two questions.  And of course, this is where the rubber meets the road.  It doesn’t do us much good to get to know Jesus and then continue doing what we always did.  If the Son of God came to earth, what difference does that make in my life?

Spiritual transformation is the process of moving from the conformity to the world to conformity to Jesus. Spiritual growth means taking on the character of Christ.  In order for this to happen, you and I need to fix our eyes on Jesus.

Our lives depend on what we choose to think about.  It is essential to meditate on God’s word.  One of the best ways to do this is to memorize sections of scripture.  Choose the ones that speak the most to you and give you direction in your life. You might want to begin with Psalm 1, 23, 40, 46, 103, or 121.  Focus on the verses that you feel are most important.  Other chapters might be Romans 8 or 12; 1 Corinthians 13; and Colossians 3.

You will need people in your life who can help you and as the 12th step of AA says, you will want to share your message with others.  I believe that’s one reason God established the church.  We all need a spiritual family.  Friends who can stand beside us.  People to laugh with and shed tears with.  I encourage you to choose your church carefully and wisely.  Pray to God for guidance.  Seek out a group of people who want to follow Jesus and the teachings Jesus passed on to the apostles, as recorded in the New Testament.  Get involved.  Find trustworthy brothers and sisters in Christ who can hold you accountable and help you as you strive to grow to become more and more like Jesus.  This is the journey of a lifetime.

Obviously, there is always work to do as I seek to be the person Jesus wants me to be. We are all “in progress”.  I’m still dealing with a variety of sins (selfishness, pride, lust, anger, laziness—all mixed up in varying proportions).  But the Lord is here beside me to help me. I have brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow strugglers who can encourage me and point me in the right direction.

Learn more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Try Harder Next Time Never Worked

How could I live with myself and continue to do something which deep down I knew was wrong for over 30 years of my life?  One answer is that I minimized my sins.  I told myself it really wasn’t so bad.  After all I am a man and all men find women to be attractive.  God made women’s bodies attractive, so what could be wrong with appreciating beauty?

While this may seem hard to believe I also had convinced myself that I was trying to quit looking at porn, in fact I was going to quit soon.  I went to spiritual retreats where I rededicated my life to the Lord.  I prayed to the Lord to free me from this sin.  And I was certain that this time I would try harder than all the other times and this time really would be the last time I would ever look at porn.

Most of you reading this probably have experienced the same thing.  The “try harder next time” strategy never worked.  It never worked for 30 years.  How did I ever think that I could continue to use the same strategy and achieve new, better, lasting results?

Edward T. Welch, the author of Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave (p. 35), wrote:

“Addiction is bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don’t bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God.”

I was the definition of a hypocrite.  I professed that I wanted to live for God and proclaimed that I believed in pure living and respecting women.  I had never made a pass at another woman or kissed another woman, so I did not see myself as a hypocrite.  In my confused, muddled thinking, I had compartmentalized my sin. I did not realize that pornography was like radiation, contaminating every corner of my life.

After I confessed my sin to my wife, I asked myself: “How could I have done something so unthinkable, to inflict such tremendous pain upon the love of my life, the person to whom I promised to be faithful and true?”  But that’s just it. I didn’t think.  In my own head, I pretended that this was my private problem and I was dealing with it the best I could. At the same time, I was trying to convince myself that it didn’t touch the other parts of my life.

What kind of man was I?  While I would never have admitted it, my actions showed that I was: uncaring, unfeeling, blind, stupid, ignorant, malicious, selfish, perverted, obsessed, afraid, proud, alone, self-deluded, lost . . .

Addicts are masters at compartmentalization.  The dictionary says “compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”

In my mind, I was a good, godly man, a good father, and a caring, faithful husband—I just had this problem in one area of my life. I had erected a wall of lies around this behavior.  This allowed me to lust after women in my mind and yet hold on to the belief that I was one of the “good guys” because I had not reached out to another woman on a physical level.

My infatuation with porn caused me to close my eyes to the true nature of my actions and the consequences of my sins.  By “putting my sin in a box” I deceived myself into thinking that what I did in private, behind closed doors, had no effect on my relationships with other people.  Yes, I had a problem, but I was working on it and I was going to fix it.

In my self-imposed blindness, I thought my struggles with pornography were not really affecting my life as a whole.

My wife saw right through all of this.   She did not have any problem seeing the truth. My entanglement with pornography permeated everything, and she saw how my whole life had been contaminated.  In her mind, our entire 31-year marriage had been one big lie.  I was a fake; I had been living a lie.

I was leading a double life.  Sometimes I think I was not much different from a serial killer whose family and neighbors are all in shock when they finally learn what he did in secret.

In my double life, it seemed as if there was the real me that loved my wife and my family and the church, but another me who was controlled by my desires.  It took me far too long to discover how to manage these emotions and these feelings, in order to not be the victim, destined to do what I don’t want to do, but I know I’m going to do because I’ve done it so many times before.  Rather than try harder next time I needed to cry out for help and come up with a new battle plan with strategies that really work.

I desperately needed to listen to the voice of truth.  I longed for a compass to point me in the right direction and help me find my way home.  I ached for someone to offer me hope that I could be a better person and live a new life.

This voice is the Good Shepherd who said: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10-11). Jesus also said: “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:27-28). I’m so glad that the Lord does not view me through the lens of all my failures and my worst mistakes. His voice is the one that tells me my life can be different. He sees a new and improved me. His spirit is at work within me and will carry out His plan of redemption today and tomorrow. This is the voice I choose to follow.

Learn more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

I’M HOPE FULL!

People caught up in pornography have often gotten to the point where the whole idea of hope seems remote, far removed; unbelievable and unattainable.  Things are really bad and there is often not much light at the end of the tunnel.  I had certainly felt that way many times.

Every now and then my wife and I carry on a friendly banter where I tell her I am an optimist and that she is a pessimist.  She always replies that she is not pessimistic, just realistic.  I know firsthand that transformation does not come easily, and I have witnessed countless guys who have claimed that they were going to make an about-face, but their desire to do so fizzled out.  Who am I to look down on them?  How many years did I waste, trapped in this cycle of hopeless despair?  The reality is that change is an enormous challenge and requires hard work, plenty of dedication and help from others. Nonetheless, change is possible!  There is hope!

I can live without many things, but I cannot live without hope.  If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll just give up in despair, and then curl up in a ball and die.  Hope is what keeps me going.  Hope is what helps me believe in a better tomorrow, that it really is possible to live a life with no regrets.  I’m so sorry for the hundreds of hours I wasted looking at women made in the image of God in order to lust after them.  I regret more than words can express, the heartbreak and agony I have inflicted on my wife because of my selfish actions.  But I believe that with God’s help those days are behind me.  Today the sun is shining and the skies are blue.  Tomorrow’s forecast looks good too!  I am no longer without hope.  I am full of hope.

Of course, my hope does not rest in my own strength or abilities or knowledge or determination.  Thirty plus years of failures certainly disqualify me as the superhero who is going to swoop in and put everything right.  My hope rests on the firm foundation of the One who created all things and on his Son who died to pay my debt and rose from the grave to soundly defeat the father of lies and to set the captives free.

I believe we often feel like we are “not enough”.  We think, “If people knew the real me, they could not possibly like me”. I was certain of this when it came to pornography.  That’s why I never worked up the courage to tell anyone about my struggles.  Well, Jesus knows me through and through.  He knows all of my dirty secrets, yet Jesus loves me anyway.  He loved me so much that he gave his life to rescue me.  In spite of my weaknesses, failings and rebellious nature, Jesus thinks there is still hope for me.  He believes in the new me.  Jesus makes me hopeful!

Soon after Augustine’s conversion, he was walking down the street in Milan, Italy. There he met a prostitute whom he had known most intimately. She called but he would not answer. He kept right on walking. “Augustine,” she called again. “It is I!”  Without missing a beat and with the assurance of Christ in his heart, he replied, “Yes, but it is no longer I.”

Everyone who gives their life to Jesus Christ by repenting of their sins and being buried with Jesus in baptism has this hope.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17 

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

This is exactly what I long for. To break free from the tug this addiction held on my heart. I yearn for freedom. I want to break the chains of slavery. I want to be able to hear temptation calling but to not even give it a second thought nor a second glance.

A dad whose son suffered from convulsive fits that sent him rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth looked at Jesus and said:

“If You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!”  Jesus looked back at that dad and replied:  ‘If you can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.”  Then the boy’s dad exclaimed: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:23-24

That’s where I am today. I’m ready to shout out loud and clear: “Lord, I believe!  Help me overcome my unbelief!”  How about you?  Don’t you want to shout out with me?  Jesus is here.  Jesus can help us.  Jesus is the best!

See more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Who Is Your Nathan?

I am very pleased to have Timothy Reigle as a guest today. Tim is the founder of www.intothewildernessblog.com, a blog dedicated to helping men overcome sexual addiction and transform their lives by renewing their faith, re-energizing their families, and restoring their masculinity. He is a licensed Chaplain and works with men through Bible study, preaching, and coaching to overcome pornography addiction and become better men. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and two daughters.

Many of us are familiar with the story of King David and Bathsheba.  In the account described in the Bible, King David saw Bathsheba bathing on a roof and was immediately filled with intense lust for her.  He committed adultery with her knowing that she was married.  When she became pregnant, he tried to get her husband to come home to cover it up. When that scheme failed, he murdered her husband so he could have her to himself.

It’s a story of lust gone wrong in so many ways. It’s a familiar process for many men who have been shackled with sexual addiction.  It starts with simple lust, then we act on the lust, then we have to cover our tracks, then we commit worse sins in the process until we’re in way over our heads. 

Once that happens, we can’t make it out alone.  We need guidance, we need a brother to come and speak some hard truth to us and encourage us to break free.

That’s where Nathan comes in.

Many people aren’t as familiar with what happened after David’s adultery.  In 2nd Samuel chapter 12, the prophet Nathan came to David and using a story about a poor man’s lamb, manages to get the King to realize how badly he has messed up.  Rebuking the king in that way was of great risk, but David needed a friend to show him his errors. His ego wouldn’t allow him to see it himself.

We all need a Nathan.

I would never have recovered from my sinful past if I didn’t have friends who came and slapped some sense into me. They took me to task for my mistakes and made sure I realized where I had gone wrong. As men, if we don’t have someone looking out for us, our own selfish desires and arrogance can take us down some very dark paths.

If you’re going to overcome pornography or sexual addiction, you must have a support system in place.  You cannot fight this battle alone.  You need other men who will come alongside you, support you, encourage you, and keep you accountable.

Having a brother like Nathan as a support system provides intimacy.  Most men today don’t have the slightest clue what true intimacy is. We only know the false intimacy of porn and sex. You must have someone you can trust completely and be 100% open and honest with.  He should know every deep, dark secret in your life, and there should be nothing to lose by opening up to him.  You need to be able to confide in him.  Every man needs a close friend, a brother, he can open up to, cry with, laugh with, mourn with, and celebrate with.  You need intimacy.

Second, your Nathan will provide you encouragement.  He should push you to be better and pick you up when you’re feeling down.  When you get knocked down, or you fail in your battle with addiction, he’ll come over and help you up, tell you to rub the dirt off your pants and get back in the game. He shouldn’t allow you to become complacent.  He’ll constantly be pushing you to get to the next level.  If you can make it a week without porn, he’ll push you to make two. Alone, men can get discouraged.  You need a Nathan to be your cheerleader, pushing you to be better.

Lastly, your Nathan will provide accountability.  A good brother can see through the B.S. you tell yourself and try to tell others.  You need someone who will tell us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear.  You need someone with the courage to call you out if you are going down the wrong path.  David thought he was completely justified in his sexual desire for Bathsheba.  It took Nathan’s rebuke to get him to understand the error of his ways.  Your Nathan will check up on you. He’ll make sure you’re not lying to yourself and others.  If he sees you starting to stray away, he’ll pull you back into line.  You need a Nathan to be your accountability partner.

Who can be your Nathan?

Any close friend who has your best interests at heart can be your support system.  But it must be a man. Under no circumstances whatsoever should your support system be a female. First for the obvious reasons. Second, we’re dealing with a male issue. You need another man who can understand what you’re going through and the obstacles you face.  Second, it helps greatly if your Nathan has been through the battle and knows what it’s like to fight and overcome addiction.  They know what you’re going through because they’ve been there themselves.

What you’re not looking for is someone who doesn’t think what you’re doing is wrong. You may have a good buddy, but they think there’s no problem with porn, they will not be of any help to you and will probably cause you to fall even further into addiction.  Second, it should not be a close family member, especially your wife.  Your family should be aware of your battle and be a part of your recovery, but there are too many ups and downs in this fight, and they are too closely affected by your addiction.

One of the best options for finding your Nathan is through a coach.  There are many men who have overcome sexual addiction and are willing to help other men in their own fight.  A coach can provide one-on-one guidance to help you finally break free. He will assist you, encourage you, and keep you accountable.  He can create a personalized plan to fight your addiction and continued support to keep you on track. While not a substance for clinical counseling or therapy, coaching can provide the support system you need.

I offer one-on-one coaching through my blog, www.intothewildernessblog.com.  If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on course.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who once thought they were helpless.  If you feel like coaching can help you break the chains of your addiction, feel free to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or DM me on Twitter @Timothy Reigle.

A coach can certainly be your Nathan.  He can be the friend and brother that you need to fight this battle alongside you.  He can be your intimate confidant, your encouraging mentor, and your accountability partner.

Just like David, we all need a Nathan by our side.

Who is your Nathan?

PORNOGRAPHY, BETRAYAL & RECONCILIATION

The day I finally told my wife about my secret addiction to pornography, anything that remained of her “storybook” marriage was blown to bits. Finding out about my compulsive addiction to pornography made her feel used, inferior, inadequate, and betrayed. I had always told her that she was the most important person in the world, but I had chosen the “porn girls” over her.  It was almost more than she could believe and more than she could bear.  She says it was like a dagger in the heart.

I felt relief; that I had finally done the right thing.  My double life was over and the secret was out, but her suffering and pain were only beginning.  How could I as the one who betrayed her help her heal from wounds which I had inflicted?

I desired the real love and intimacy, which only she could give me, but how could she trust me again?  Someone recommended the book “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass.  While this book doesn’t deal specifically with pornography, it is a classic on the topic of betrayal.  I learned it was important for me to be totally open and honest.  I had hidden so much from her for so many years; now it was time for me to answer her questions.  When?  Where?  How? 

Since this was such a gigantic loss, my wife was going through the stages of grief.  The stage that appeared with the most intensity was the stage of anger.  She was furious.  Profoundly hurt.  Horribly shocked.  Words cannot even describe the blow that my betrayal inflicted on her soul.

The pain she felt was deep and would require months and years to heal.  I understood I had provoked all of this hurt and pain.  My wife’s anger was normal and justified.  How could she not be upset by my betrayal?  I had not been the man she thought I was because I had looked to other women for pleasure and satisfaction.

There were days when she did not even want to look at me, much less allow me to come near her or touch her.  I remember seeing her crying and thinking it was my role to comfort her in her pain, as I had done so many times in the past, but now, since I was the source of her pain, she did not want any comfort from me.  A few times she was so angry, she told me she hated me.  Some nights I slept on the couch. Her wounds were terribly deep.  I learned to be patient and allow her all the time she needed in order to heal.

One evening I found her crying and my wife said:

“Every time you made a decision to look at pornography, you made a decision to hurt me. You chose them over me and were rejecting me. Every time you looked at porn it was like you were slapping me in the face or kicking me in the stomach.
I trusted you too much. I was totally unprepared for this. I think that’s why it cuts so deeply.”

All I could do at that moment was to sigh and say I’m sorry. If only I had taken action sooner. If only I had not been so selfish, foolish, and afraid to tell someone or ask for help.

For my wife, this was all very personal. In her mind, I rejected her for women who were more beautiful and sexier than her.  This is both true and false.  Yes, my choice hurt her and in making that choice I was turning my back on her to look at other women.  But I did not do what I did because she is not beautiful enough or lacks sex appeal.  After all, men who are married to actresses and fashion models also struggle with addiction to pornography.  When looking at pornography, the first picture of the first woman is never enough.  There is an insatiable desire to look at another and then another.  There is no such thing as perfection and no such thing as satisfaction.  There is only an unending search for the next high, the next rush and thrill.

Someone compared betrayal in a marriage to a story of two business partners.  They’ve worked together for years, they’re the best of friends, they totally trust each other.  Yet, behind his partner’s back, the other partner has been stealing money from the company over many years. As a result of the loss of these funds, the company is suffering and may go bankrupt.  When the guilty party finally confesses, how will his partner react?  Shock and anger are inevitable; trust has been broken.  One friend betrayed another.  Restoring trust will take a tremendous amount of time and effort.

I learned that feelings come in waves.  When it seemed like my wife was feeling better, all of a sudden, out of the blue, another wave of emotion would hit her and she would not even want to look at me.  Those first weeks and months after I told her were extremely difficult for both of us.  The Lord gave both of us the strength to keep moving forward.  He gave me patience to understand, at least to some degree, what I had done to her, and He helped her see that I really desired to change and become a better husband.

I saw the sun peeking through the clouds when a few months later my wife told me that I was now different from before, more attentive, more concerned, more present. I told her she seemed different too, more tuned in to me and more loving. She said that my being different made her become different. Then she told me she could foresee our relationship becoming better than it had ever been as we both strive to draw closer. In spite of the tremendous pain, she told me she was glad I told her the truth about my addiction. And she thanked me for all the work I had done fighting this sin and for the progress, I had made.  Her words blessed my heart!

When my wife made the decision to forgive me and to work on restoring our marriage I was extremely grateful!  Today I am immensely thankful to have been given a second chance.  It is so much more than I deserve — it is a gift, a manifestation of grace. Thank you, Lord!

Learn more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

MASTURBATION & LUST

Pornography and masturbation almost always walk hand in hand.  This was a huge problem for me.  I know many people have strong feelings on this subject. It is a controversial subject, even among Christians.  As I see it, our primary sex organ is our brain.  The excitement begins in my head as I think about my involvement with that person.  She is beautiful and I am attracted to her body, thus I become stimulated.  According to my understanding of sexuality, this is the only way to reach an orgasm.  Therefore, how can I approve of masturbation, if Jesus said it is wrong to look at a woman with the intention to lust after her? 

In Matthew 5:28 Jesus said:  “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

I don’t believe it is wrong to look at a woman and notice she is pretty.  But when I look at her with the intention and desire to lust, I have sinned.  The only thing I lack is an opportunity to carry out that which my heart wants to do.

From my understanding and my experience, masturbation is impossible without the element of fantasizing and lust, and lust is a sin.  Thus masturbation is not something God intended nor something He approves of. 

(Let me mention here that “wet dreams” are not something a person intends or plans to do, so I can’t see how these can be considered to be wrong.)

Along this line, C. S. Lewis wrote this in Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis (Vol 3, 758-59):

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: send the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.”

Lewis concludes: “After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of ourselves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

I agree with Lewis.  Masturbation is unnecessary.  It is self-centered. Masturbation brought me temporary pleasure.  But as it is a solitary act, masturbation left me feeling empty in the end.

May we see and understand that the Lord provides for all of our needs.  We can rely on Him to take care of us in every way.  The more we focus on lust, the worse it becomes and the more miserable we will be.  Happy is the person who finds their joy in loving God and serving Him as well as their neighbor.  Matthew 22:36-40

To learn more about freedom from lust read: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

COVID 19 & CLEAN BEACHES

Have you seen the reports in the news?  Bears roaming the roads in Yellowstone.  Jellyfish seen swimming in Venice’s canals.  Crystal clear waters in Rio de Janeiro’s once polluted Guanabara Bay.  Who would have thought this to be possible?  And how could it all happen in just a few months’ time?  Remove the people, put an end to pollution and the miracle of renewal soon becomes evident.

For me, one of the worst things about pornography was how it took over my mind and dominated my thoughts. Thank God I was never addicted to cocaine nor to alcohol, so I have no personal experience with these devastating evils.  That being the case, at times I felt like porn was even worse than these or other addictions because I carried the pornographic images with me in my brain everywhere I went.  These thoughts were my constant companions.

Pornography is an exceptionally difficult behavior to deal with, due to it’s ease of access.  My ability to remember the images I had viewed created an instant “porn library” inside my head, available for fantasy and masturbation at my beck and call.  I didn’t need my smartphone or laptop in order to retrieve this material.

Obviously one of the first steps to freedom from this compulsive sin is to begin to remove these files from the “library”.  When I first began this process, in the initial stages ,this appeared to be an insurmountable task.  How could I hope to break free from porn if I could not escape these images for even 60 seconds?

One law of physics says that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. I discovered what God’s word has taught for centuries: that by placing my thoughts on that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovey, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) – the ugly, impure thoughts automatically went out the window.

The first few days of my recovery were extremely challenging as I worked to fight off the lewd and obscene images which popped into my head.  Yet as I chose to focus on a praise song or a Bible verse or just to think about my family or a recent vacation, the beaches in my head began to clear.  My thoughts became less troubled.  Over the next few weeks and months I received a marvelous gift from our Father of Lights – I regained my mind.

Yes, if I were to try, I even today, fourteen years later, I could retrieve several of those images from the “library” in my brain.  But they have become blurred and dimmed with age.  And now my good habits protect me from going there.  The crisp boundaries I established are like guardrails keeping me safe from the drop-offs on the road of life.

What an tremendous gift I have been given!  The gift of renewal.  Clean thoughts. I am no longer a slave to that compulsive addiction.  The skies are blue, the air is pure for I have been set free.

Who would have thought it possible?  Hundreds, perhaps thousands of images from that old library are completely gone.  My library has been revamped and renovated.  I love my new life.  Thank you, Lord!  Thank you very much!

To learn more read the book:   Jesus Is Better Than Porn

HOW TO QUIT SMOKING (or porn)

“Addictions are repetitive behaviors in the face of negative consequences, the desire to continue something you know is bad for you.”  Joseph Frascella, director of the division of clinical neuroscience at the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

How foolish could I have been?  Why would I continue to do something I knew was bad for me?  I often rationalized by telling myself that it wasn’t really that bad. I wasn’t hurting anyone.  I was simply looking at pictures.  I would tell myself I was going to stop. I would vow this was the last time. This continued for weeks and months and years.

One thing is for sure. Until I really believed pornography was BAD for me, I would never stop.

Allen Carr wrote the book The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.  This book surprised me.  The author is totally against tapering off and gradually smoking less and less.  He tells the reader not to quit smoking until they reach the end of the book.  Then he goes about showing how bad and silly smoking is.  Carr explains how the whole idea of holding a cigarette in your hand expecting it to help you feel better or lessen your stress is ridiculous.  Nicotine produces the very problems and symptoms it offers to cure!

What did porn have to offer me?  Everything!  Those images were so enticing.  The women were so alluring, their smiles, so inviting.  The rush which overwhelmed me was extremely intoxicating in the moment, but at what an incalculable cost to me and those closest to me!  It is tragic that something which results in so much shame and regret is at the same time so irresistible. It was like being addicted to an electric fence.

Pornography is wrong—a sin against God.  This sin I chose to participate in takes human beings made in God’s image and treats them as mere objects to be used and discarded by lustful passions.  Furthermore, I was robbing myself of the freedom which God had given me.

I was like a prisoner locked up in solitary confinement. I never talked with anyone about what I was doing.  I was left alone to believe the lies I had come to accept as facts.  Thus I minimized, justified, and rationalized my totally irrational behavior.

In my own dark, confused, and self-justifying mind, what I was looking at didn’t even qualify as pornography.  Porn was something far more perverted and degrading.  My excuse was, I had only been looking at pictures of women without their clothes on.  Didn’t God make women beautiful? Wasn’t God the one who created and designed men to be attracted to the opposite sex?  What I was doing wasn’t really so bad, was it?

Later, when I finally worked up the courage to confess my sin to my wife, she saw things much differently.  She said that I had betrayed her with hundreds, if not thousands of women. It felt as if I had invited these women into our home and had sexual relations with them. It made her feel unloved, unworthy and rejected.  I had never even stopped to consider such an idea, but when she said it, I knew that she was right.

I was once proud of the fact that I had never spent a dime to purchase porn, but in reality, I was afraid of getting caught.  My wife observed that I was trying to present myself as the “good guy porn addict” when I was in reality just a tight-fisted porn addict.

I was so mixed up, like the smoker who finds comfort as he puffs on his cigarette. When my wife didn’t seem to have as much time for poor little me as I thought she should, I could always find comfort from those ladies who looked so welcoming and affirming in those touched up photos.  My head was filled with lie after lie. Here’s the truth: sin will take you further than you want to go, cost you more than you want to pay, and keep you longer than you want to stay.

In a testimonial at the end of his book, “Pure Desire” author Ted Roberts described the lunacy of the person involved in pornography with these telling words:  “I was involved in compulsive behavior.  I was the producer, director, and star of my own self-absorbed, self-destructive disaster movie.”

I read about a cardiologist who told her patient how important it was to improve his diet. The patient was reluctant to make the necessary changes. So the doctor said: “Imagine that you are walking down a train track and a train is coming your way. You have two options: get off the track and live, or stay on the track and be killed.”  Immediately the patient decided he was willing to make some radical changes in his eating habits.  Of course, the same advice holds for all of us fighting addiction. Change may not be easy, but it is a thousand times better than the alternative!

Allen Carr cuts straight to the point: I have to recognize the awfulness of my bad habit, how it hurts me and others around me. Otherwise, I’ll never decide to go through the hard work of giving up my habit.  I gave lip service to wanting to quit.  I vowed to myself over and over again that this would be the last time, but I was not seeing straight.  Too often I saw porn as my friend, my source of comfort, rather than as my enemy.

In spite of all of my rationalizations, this was definitely no way to live.  I felt so much shame and guilt.  I remember looking at pornography on a Friday or Saturday and then going to church on Sunday and taking the Lord’s Supper.  I fought to push those images out of my mind so I could think about Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross for me.  I thought: “How could I have let this happen to me?”  Even in my self-induced blindness, I knew I wanted out.  I had to find a way out. I don’t want to participate in this ugly sin called porn. I long to be FREE!

A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil,

but a fool throws off restraint and is careless.

Proverbs 14:16

Taken from the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

 

Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Simply click on the link below to access a PDF version of Chapter One.

Jesus Is Better Than Porn: How I Confessed My Addiction to My Wife and Found a New Life