Hugh Houston's Blog, page 7

Bad Habits are a Curse; Good Habits are a Blessing

I love sports.  Years ago, a man I respected told me the sports section of the newspaper is the best place to find some good news.  Most headlines tout tragedies and problems.  But the sports section will often relate a story with a happy ending.  Like the athlete who has a dream of someday winning a gold medal.  He decides to go for it.  Now, what will this entail over the next year or the next five years?  What kind of diet?  What kind of training?  In order to attain his goal of going to the Olympics and bringing home a gold medal, this athlete will endure blood, sweat, and tears.  And if he reaches his goal, you will hear him declare in the interview: “It was all worth it.  Every sacrifice I made, all the hard work I put in, helped me win this medal!”

In Sports Illustrated, Trevor Moawad, a consultant in sports physiology, described a conversation with former Olympic sprinter Michael Johnson:

“Early on, he identified what it took to be No. 1 in the world,” Moawad says. “We talk about the illusion of choice. You don’t really have a wide set of choices if you want to make it to the top. Michael Johnson used to always say distractions are the enemy of an elite athlete. Discipline is the willingness not to do certain things. If I have a bag of Doritos in my left hand and an apple in my right hand, you probably wouldn’t need a nutritionist to tell you which was better for you. So why would you choose the apple?  Most of sports comes down to simple choices like that. I think we want to make it seem complicated, but the reality is, it’s doing the simple things savagely well.  If I form a habit, that habit forms me, good or bad.  Without sticking to the plan, there is little point in having one.”

My band teacher in junior high school used to say, “Perfect practice, makes perfect”. So, if I want to live a life worth living, I must develop good, healthy habits and practice living out those habits, one at a time, day in and day out.  It is essential to keep rehearsing the right thing, the right way, time after time, after time.  Then, slowly, the bad habits which kept me trapped in the old ruts will fly right out the window and my new, good habits will keep me on track, even when the going gets rough.  This is now the new normal!  It’s what I always do!  Now it feels natural.  It’s my new autopilot.  My new habits move me toward my goal of pleasing God and living right.

Bad habits are a curse; good habits are a blessing.  In order to live the life I wanted to live, I needed to unlearn my bad ways of acting and begin to develop good habits.  This required time and effort on my part, but the benefits made it all worthwhile.  Just like learning to ride a bike, the person who wants to learn a new sport or acquire a new habit will fail.  Slips and falls are to be expected.  All that’s needed is to get right back up and go back to doing what is good and true and healthy.

This is one area where I found my journal to be especially helpful.  It was a place to go and write out what happened.  When I made a mistake, I then had an excellent opportunity to analyze how it took place.  What led up to acting out?  What changes would I make to avoid “slipping up” next time? 

I began to realize that so many of my behaviors happened subconsciously, without me really thinking about them.  Lusting had become second nature for me.  I had developed the habit of looking for something to stimulate me.  While I may have said I was opposed to this kind of behavior, my actions showed I found it pleasurable.  In order to get rid of these bad habits, I needed to replace them with good habits. This is essential for anyone who desires a new and better life and can only come about through intentional living.  New behaviors don’t just happen automatically. I had to remain focused and maintain my mind in “battle mode” in order to make good choices quickly and easily.  Recovery is basically the process of replacing old, unhealthy habits with positive habits so that the right thing becomes the “automatic” behavior.

As the saying goes, “failing to plan is planning to fail”.  While I could quote this saying, I was not putting it into practice in my own life.  My excuse was that pornography just snuck up on me and overpowered me.  Now I see I simply allowed bad habits I had acquired over time to rule my life.  I had been “practicing” doing the wrong things for years.  Now I discovered that the key to changing these habits is intentional behavior.  If I just let things happen, I would certainly fall back into the rut of doing what I had always done.  To begin a new life, I had to consciously relearn how to act.  I had to think first and then act, before allowing “auto-pilot” to take over.  I needed to make a decision to do the right thing and then follow through with this strategy—to “plan my work, and work my plan”.

Most of the situations we face in life are not new.  We have seen it all before.  We need to go into the ball game knowing that the other team likes to blitz or that they have a really strong player. It is possible to prepare for temptations and be ready for them ahead of time.

The only way for change to take place in my life is for me to take responsibility. I have to recognize that I am not a victim. It is up to me to learn from past mistakes, ask for help, make a plan and move forward to carry out that plan.  And do all of this of course, with prayer and help from above.

Learn more about breaking free from old habits and living a new life in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Are Men Destined To LUST?

YES, lust is a grave pandemic in today’s world and sadly even in our churches.  NO it does not have to be this way.  Back when I was caught up compulsively looking at pornography, one of the lies I told myself in order to excuse and justify my sin was that every man is this way and that God created me with a desire for women.

Yes, sex was and is God’s idea.  But his ideal is sex and love, not lust and sex.  Sex was designed for a caring relationship of intimacy between a husband and wife.  It is good and natural for men and women to find each other attractive.  For me to look and recognize that a woman is pretty is not a sin.  But, as Jesus taught us in Matthew 5:28 “everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”   It is the intention to lust and then cultivate and hold onto those lustful thoughts in our minds that is sinful.

As I worked to break free from lust and pornography I discovered that over my lifetime, (in spite of being in church all of those years), I had “trained myself in unrighteousness”.  It had become my habit to look in order to lust.  And I had gotten very good at it.  This made changing these long ingrained habits a very challenging (but not impossible) task.

I still remember a visitor to our youth group who one day told me how he could look and notice if a young woman was or was not wearing a bra.  Prior to him talking with me, this was never on my radar.  But after that, I remember looking harder and trying to determine what a woman was or was not wearing under her blouse. Lust was becoming ingrained in my brain.  I practiced lusting. These images from real life, and from pictures, were stored away in my head and could be recalled at will.  I had a virtual library in my mind. As the months and years went by lust began to take over the whole establishment.  That’s why I often say that one of the biggest blessings I received when I broke free from porn was to get my thoughts back.

I had read the Bible from cover to cover a few times.  I especially read the New Testament.  Yet I had not really seen how clear God’s word is on this subject.  By simply following what is written in God’s word it is easy to see that lust is not something we would expect in the life of every man who has a pair of eyes.

Part of my recovery from this addictive sin was to replace the lies I used to believe with truth.  No better way to do this than to memorize and meditate on appropriate Bible verses.  Ephesians 5:3,4 became one of my “go to” verses:  “But  among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.“

Talk about the TRUTH setting me free!  Here is LIGHT to chase the darkness out of our lives.  Anyone who believes it is normal and natural for a follower of Jesus to be conflicted with lustful thoughts has not understood this passage.  If I type it here in all caps will it help you see the truth? 

AMONG YOU THERE MUST NOT BE EVEN A HINT OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY, OR OF ANY KIND OF IMPURITY,  BECAUSE THESE ARE IMPROPER FOR GOD’S HOLY PEOPLE. 

How much clearer can the Holy Spirit be?  And to think that I had cultivated lustful thoughts.  I went out of my way to seek them out and then I meditated on them.  I would roll thoughts of naked women around in my head as I lay on pillow and went to sleep at night.  I confess that sometimes I had sexual relations with my wife and at the same time was thinking about being with another woman whose image I had filed away in my library of lust and impurity.

You can be certain that I am not bragging here.  This causes me tremendous sadness and shame.  When I finally confessed my addiction to porn to my wife, I had to come clean about everything.  When she asked questions about what and when and how, I was honest.  You can easily imagine how devastated she was when she learned what kinds of thoughts had been living and breeding in my mind for so many years.  Yes, I claim to be a victim.  The lust culture and porn industry did their thing on me.  But I was not innocent.  I worked at lusting.  It was my pass time.  I had become very good at it.

Lord, have mercy!  Forgive me!

I’ve already written a book on breaking free from pornography and other habitual sins so I won’t go on and on about this.  Let me finish by sharing one other Bible verse and then a couple of words from one other passage. 

Have you ever stopped to analyze and meditate on Colossians 3:5?

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”  What is there not to understand here?  Impurity, lust, evil desires and greed are not to be expected in the life of the man of God. We are called to put those things to DEATH.  You and I must immediately push out any of these thoughts which might pop into our brains.  Push them out then stomp on them until they lay lifeless on the floor.  Then sweep them up in a dustpan and put them in the garbage can where they belong.

We cannot accept as normal that every man battles lust for their whole life. It is scripturally WRONG to accept the fact that servants of Jesus will have a part of their lives which will never be fully redeemed.  Jesus came to forgive us of our sins and also to FREE us from our sins.  That’s why Paul told our brothers and sisters in the Corinthian church to “take every thought captive”. 

This is war.  We are fighting for our souls.  We are in a spiritual battle against the father of lies and only the truth will defeat him.  May you and I on this day called “The Present” be strong in the Lord and His mighty power.  Let’s put on the full armor of God and take our stand against the devil’s schemes.

While you and I will never become perfect in this life, we are not destined to remain on the hamster wheel of habitual sins like lust.  Jesus offers us a life of purity and goodness.  A life worth living.  A life with no regrets.

Learn more about victory over habitual sin in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

The Pastor & Porn – The Double Whammy

Pastors are people too.  They often fall short of their good intentions and fail in their desire to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.

I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me.  I take complete responsibility for my sins and my actions.  I’m not here to make excuses for my mistakes.  Even as a teenager I knew that pornography was wrong.  I looked because I liked it.  I found it exciting, stimulating and titillating. Once I began looking I discovered it was seemingly impossible to stop.  I needed assistance to break free but I was afraid, embarrassed and too ashamed to ask for help.

The first part of the double whammy is why are some sins like adultery or pornography viewed as being so much worse than lying or stealing or gossiping?  As a young man I felt I couldn’t tell anyone about my fascination with porn.  Who could I tell?  What would they think of me?  And since I kept this problem a secret it never went away.  I was never going to find answers as long as I kept this sin in the dark.

The years went by, I met a wonderful girl and we got married. I went to seminary and prepared to be a pastor and a missionary.  I thought that getting married and being called into the ministry would set me free from the compulsive cycle of pornography.  But it seemed I only became more entrenched in my sin.

If I was too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help when I was a teenager this feeling got 10 times worse when I went into ministry.  Missionaries and pastors teach others the word of God.  They help others abandon sin to follow Jesus.  How was it that I found it next to impossible to get off the hamster wheel of addiction to lust and pornography?

This was the second part of the double whammy.  Everyone looks up to pastors.  They are held to a higher standard.  And this probably is as it should be.  Yet, as the Bible says, “There is no one righteous, not even one.  All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.”  Missionaries and preachers have feet of clay.

I believe pastors need help.  If we ask every pastor to step down when they become involved in sin, there will probably be a shortage of pastors very soon. There need to be places where pastors can turn to find help in order to find freedom from all sorts of habitual sins:  anger, pride, selfishness, lust, etc.

It took me 30 years to finally find help.  I pray that men and women of all walks of life can know that sin is wrong but that help is near. When we open the door for confession so that the light can shine in the darkness, lives will be changed and the devil will be defeated.

Pastors are human beings just like everyone else.  They have weaknesses and frailties.  There is nothing the devil likes better than to take down someone who is working to spread the light and rescue the perishing.  May we work to offer solutions for all who are caught up in any sin, no matter how dark or ugly it may be.

May we all be ready to reach out in compassion and forgiveness to everyone who sins, no matter who they are or what they did. This is the only way to offer hope to those who believe there is no way out.

As a servant of the Lord be gentle to all, in humility correct those who are in sin, so God may grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.

Learn more about victory over habitual sin in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

TRAUMATIZATION: Confessing My 30-Year Porn Addiction to My Wife

One day I read this quote:

“For a porn addict to change, he has to look in the eye of someone he has disappointed.”

I had been working on my recovery for well over a year.  I had made great strides, but something seemed to be holding me back.  I needed to confess my infidelity to the person I love the most and to the person most affected.

As I look back on my confession, I’m not sure if I told her because she deserved to know or because I needed to get it off of my chest. I had put it off for 30 years.  My pastor friend kept hounding me to tell her and I kept resisting.  I told myself over and over again, “I’ll just break free, and then since the problem no longer exists, there won’t be anything to tell her about and I won’t be hiding anything anymore.”  But my addiction kept rearing up its ugly head and one day I decided I just had to tell her.

Once I made this decision, I could hardly wait to do it.  I decided to confess on her day off.  I found a time when just the two of us were in the house.  That morning I woke up before dawn.  I was so agitated that I couldn’t go back to sleep.  When she woke up, I took her into the living room and we sat next to each other on the couch. I then broke the news.

When she tells the story today, she says she was in a state of shock.  It took several hours or perhaps even a few days for the truth of what I told her to fully sink in.  Finding out about my compulsive addiction to pornography made her feel used, inferior, inadequate, and betrayed. I had always told her that she was the most important person in the world, but I had chosen the “porn girls” over her.  It was almost more than she could believe and more than she could bear.  She says it was like a dagger in the heart.

I felt relief; that I had finally done the right thing.  My double life was over and the secret was out, but her suffering and pain were only beginning.  She was on an emotional roller coaster.  She has said several times how unfair this was—I was the one who made the mistake; I chose to do what I knew was wrong, yet she had to go see a therapist.  She had to read up on this dark, perverted illness and go back over our life together and see if any of it had been what she thought it was, or if everything we seemed to have together was all one big farce.

We both became experts in an area where we would rather have remained ignorant. I discovered that in her mind my involvement with pornography was if I had had an affair or worse yet, multiple affairs.  I had betrayed her and abandoned her to be with other women whom I found much more attractive and desirable.  She was nothing to me.  I loved them.

That’s not at all how I felt.  I wanted to break free from the pull of my addiction.  I desired the real love and intimacy, which only she could give me, but how could she trust me again?  Someone recommended the book “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass.  While this book doesn’t deal specifically with pornography, it is a classic on the topic of betrayal.  I learned it was important for me to be totally open and honest.  I had hidden so much from her for so many years; now it was time for me to answer her questions.  When?  Where?  How?  What about this time and that time?  She wanted to know what I had seen.  She wanted to hear how it all began.  She asked how I had hidden this for so long.  She looked at me sternly and demanded: “Why did you never get help?”

This was a tremendous loss for her.  Her storybook marriage had ended.  She thought she was marrying a Christian man, a man with values.  I was supposed to be someone who would never do these kinds of things.  She even asked: “How could God let this happen to me?  I went to a Bible college and married a man who said he would cherish me till death do us part.”

Since this was such a gigantic loss, my wife was going through the stages of grief.  The stage that appeared with the most intensity was the stage of anger.  She was furious.  Profoundly hurt.  Horribly shocked.  Words cannot even describe the blow that my betrayal inflicted on her soul.

The ladies on the online forum told me this would take time—years, even.  And they were right.  I knew I had provoked all of this hurt and pain.  My wife’s anger was normal and justified.  How would she not be upset by my betrayal?  I had not been the man she thought I was because I had looked to other women for pleasure and satisfaction.

There were days when she did not even want to look at me, much less allow me to come near her or touch her.  I remember seeing her crying and thinking it was my role to comfort her in her pain, as I had done so many times in the past, but now, since I was the source of her pain, she did not want any comfort from me.  A few times she was so angry, she told me she hated me.  Some nights I slept on the couch. Her wounds were terribly deep.  I learned to be patient and allow her all the time she needed in order to heal.

One day my wife told me: 

“I trusted you, I believed in you. The man I thought I married would never have hurt me and betrayed me like you did. I am having trouble in my mind reconciling who I thought you were, with what you did time after time after time, all through our marriage. How could you let it go on for so long?”

One evening I found her crying and my wife said:

“Every time you made a decision to look at pornography, you made a decision to hurt me. You chose them over me and were rejecting me. Every time you looked at porn it was like you were slapping me in the face or kicking me in the stomach. I trusted you too much. I was totally unprepared for this. I think that’s why it cuts so deeply.”

All I could do at that moment was to sigh and say I’m sorry. If only I had taken action sooner. If only I had not been so selfish, foolish, and afraid to tell someone or ask for help.

For my wife, this was all very personal. In her mind, I rejected her for women who were more beautiful and sexier than her.  This is both true and false.  Yes, my choice hurt her and in making that choice I was turning my back on her to look at other women.  But I did not do what I did because she is not beautiful enough or lacks sex appeal.  After all, men who are married to actresses and fashion models also struggle with addiction to pornography.  When looking at pornography, the first picture of the first woman is never enough.  There is an insatiable desire to look at another and then another.  There is no such thing as perfection and no such thing as satisfaction.  There is only an unending search for the next high, the next rush and thrill.

I saw the sun peeking through the clouds when a few months later my wife told me that I was now different from before, more attentive, more concerned, more present. I told her she seemed different too, more tuned in to me and more loving. She said that my being different made her become different. Then she told me she could foresee our relationship becoming better than it had ever been as we both strive to draw closer. In spite of the tremendous pain, she told me she was glad I told her the truth about my addiction. And she thanked me for all the work I had done fighting this sin and for the progress, I had made.  Her words blessed my heart!

Now that we are further removed from those sad, heavy days, my wife has said one thing that helped her survive was the obligation to get up every day to go to work and to help take care of our child who was still at home.  Otherwise, she says, she might have just stayed in bed all day, or curled up and died.  I am grieved that I inflicted those wounds on the person I love the most in this world.

When my wife made the decision to forgive me and to work on restoring our marriage I was extremely grateful.  Today I am immensely thankful to have been given a second chance.  I’m overjoyed to have someone believe in me and love me in spite of the hurtful, selfish things I have done.  It is so much more than I deserve — it is a gift, a manifestation of grace. Thank you, Lord!

Read more about how to break free from porn and a new life in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

WHO Does Porn Hurt?

Millions claim that pornography is a harmless, victimless activity.  I used to say: “But of course I enjoy looking at pictures of naked ladies.  As a man I’m supposed to be attracted to beautiful women.”

Who does porn hurt?  I believe those posing and performing for porn are victims.  Sure some of them get paid handsomely for their role.  Yet many of those resort to alcohol and drugs to help them cope with life they are living.  What parent dreams that one day their child will become a porn star?  How would you like for others to look at you as an object to be used and objectified for selfish gratification?  And I have not even mentioned the undeniable connection that exist between the porn industry and human trafficking.  The whole idea behind porn is that a human being has become a commodity to be sold at a profit to the highest bidder.

As a husband and father and friend who gets hurt when I look at pornography?  Obviously my children pay a price.  Every minute spent with porn takes me away from them.  And if no community wants a sexual pervert living in their midst, where would that put me if every knew what I was doing behind closed doors?  I hid my addiction to pornography from my wife for the first 30 years of our marriage.  Yet she knew that something was wrong with me.  My smile was gone.  I was not fun to be around.  Porn had sapped my joy.  How could I be the father my children needed and deserved?  I’ll never get those years back.  I stole from my own offspring.  I hurt my beloved children.

My wife suffered immeasurably by my serial betrayals.  If my excuse was that none of it was real and nobody was getting hurt, her view was totally opposite.  Every time I looked at “the porn girls” I was turning my back on her and desiring them over her.  She felt rejected, unworthy, unwanted, undesirable and ultimately unloved.  On our wedding day I had vowed to be true to her.  To love her above all others till death do us part.  Yet countless times I had broken this vow. Her wounds were so raw and so deep that it took months and years for her to heal.  Today, 15 years after I confessed my sin to her, she would still rather not think about it and relive the pain all over again.

Nobody put a gun to my temple and forced me to look at porn.  I did it because I wanted to.  I found it enticing and appealing.  Fascinating and addicting.  It certainly had a Herculean pull on me as I vowed countless times never to go back to it, yet I choose to break my promise to myself endlessly over more than three decades.  While my involvement was voluntary, I also claim to be a victim of this grave evil.  Porn promised pleasure and ecstasy, but left me sad and all alone. In my efforts to spread the word about freedom from this vice, I have met men and women, all across the globe, of various ages and occupations, both religious and non-religious – all of whom intensely desire to break free from enslavement to this evil, where people are exploited objectified for selfish ends.

The pornography industry generates $12 billion dollars in annual revenue – larger than the combined annual revenues of ABC, NBC, and CBS.  Some might say porn is boon for those who produce it.  Yet in my mind they too are victims.  Merely producing a drug that sells to the masses.  But what must it be like to put your head on your pillow at night and know that your whole life revolves around using and abusing human beings created to be loved and valued?  Who wants that written on their tombstone?

If you are trapped on the hamster wheel of compulsive addiction to porn it is time to wise up and wake up.  Open your eyes.  Look at how many victims there are.  Decide that you have had enough and that you will do everything you can to get help and find a way out.  Yes, millions do it every day and say it is normal and natural.  Yet millions also see the destruction that porn causes.  Users left depleted and alone.  Families ruined.  Painful divorces.  Children who cry out for a parent to love and cherish them more than their own selfish lusts.  I found freedom and a new life.  Millions of others have put porn in the rearview mirror and you can too.

Read more about how to find freedom and a new life in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Addicts – Masters at Compartmentalization

I was the definition of a hypocrite.  I professed that I wanted to live for God and proclaimed that I believed in pure living and respecting women.  I had never made a pass at another woman or kissed another woman, so I did not see myself as a hypocrite.  In my confused, muddled thinking, I had compartmentalized my sin. I did not realize that pornography was like radiation, contaminating every corner of my life.

After I confessed my sin to my wife, I asked myself: “How could I have done something so unthinkable, to inflict such tremendous pain upon the love of my life, the person to whom I promised to be faithful and true?”  But that’s just it. I didn’t think.  In my own head, I pretended that this was my private problem and I was dealing with it the best I could. At the same time, I was trying to convince myself that it didn’t touch the other parts of my life.

What kind of man was I?  While I would never have admitted it, my actions showed that I was: uncaring, unfeeling, blind, stupid, ignorant, malicious, selfish, perverted, obsessed, afraid, proud, alone, self-deluded, lost . . .

Addicts are masters at compartmentalization.  The dictionary says “compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”

In my mind, I was a good, godly man, a good father, and a caring, faithful husband—I just had this problem in one area of my life. I had erected a wall of lies around this behavior.  This allowed me to lust after women in my mind and yet hold on to the belief that I was one of the “good guys” because I had not reached out to another woman on a physical level.

I was lost in denial. Treating a human being as an object for one’s own sexual satisfaction is a monstrosity. When I convinced myself that looking at pictures didn’t hurt anyone, I was only deceiving myself. How was I able to brainwash myself into believing that my fascination with pornography did not qualify as betrayal and adultery? Because this is what I wanted to believe.  I had to close my eyes to the truth in order to live with myself.

My infatuation with porn caused me to close my eyes to the true nature of my actions and the consequences of my sins.  By “putting my sin in a box” I deceived myself into thinking that what I did in private, behind closed doors, had no effect on my relationships with other people.  Yes, I had a problem, but I was working on it and I was going to fix it.

In my self-imposed blindness, I thought my struggles with pornography were not really affecting my life as a whole.

My wife saw right through all of this.   She did not have any problem seeing the truth. My entanglement with pornography permeated everything, and she saw how my whole life had been contaminated.  In her mind, our entire 31-year marriage had been one big lie.  I was a fake; I had been living a lie.

I realized it would devastate my wife if she found out. I knew it was wrong before God.  I understood all of this, but only to the extent that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to confess my sin to anyone; I didn’t take it seriously enough to actually do anything about it.  I wasted so much time.

I was leading a double life.  Sometimes I think I was not much different from a serial killer whose family and neighbors are all in shock when they finally learn what he did in secret.

Today I understand that addiction by definition is an irrational state. Psychology Today puts it this way:

“Addiction is a condition in which a person engages in the use of a substance or in a behavior for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeatedly pursue the behavior despite detrimental consequences.”

In his book, Reliving the Passion (p. 25), Walter Wangerin, Jr. declared:

“My denial of my sin protects, preserves, perpetuates, that sin.  Ugliness in me, while I live in illusions, can only grow the uglier.”

Edward T. Welch, the author of Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave (p. 35), wrote:

“Addiction is bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don’t bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God.”

This certainly describes my situation when I was in the throes of the addictive cycle of doom.

Part of me was walking around in the darkness, hanging back in the shadows.  I was always afraid of the light and what the light would reveal.  Now I see how the light I had feared was the light I so desperately needed, in order to begin to understand where I was, what I had been doing for so long, and find a way out of this whole predicament.  I was living in a fog.  This fog cut off my vision of everything—the bad and the good. I need the light that reveals my sins because this same light shows me the path to peace and joy!

In my double life, it seemed as if there was the real me that loved my wife and my family and the church, but another me who was controlled by my desires.  It took me far too long to discover how to manage these emotions and these feelings, in order to not be the victim, destined to do what I don’t want to do, but I know I’m going to do because I’ve done it so many times before.

I read verses like Ephesians 4:18 “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them.” and Philippians 3:19 “Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things”. Yet I never imagined these verses applied to me and my condition. I was totally off base on this subject, accepting a condition which was unacceptable.  I lived in a perplexing state of darkness.  My emotions and desires were out of control, taking charge of this area of my life.  My habitual sin felt like it had a mind of its own.  Without a doubt, the “god of pornography” sat on the throne of my heart.

Today my heart overflows with gratitude that somehow the Lord touched my heart and moved me to seek help.  Slowly I began to see the light and discover all the truths I have mentioned here.

If you have been fooling yourself and living like a hypocrite there is hope for you to.  The truth can and will set us free.

Thank you Lord, for a new life.  Help me Lord, to walk in the LIGHT, today, tomorrow and the next day!

Learn more in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Which Voice Will You Listen To?

I once knew a man with paranoid schizophrenia.  He heard the voices of members of a gang with a plan to overthrow society.  No matter who talked with him and tried to persuade him that these voices were not real people, that the threat was not real; he refused to listen to reason.

In a similar way, all of us must decide which voices we are going to heed, which voices are telling us the truth and which are filling our heads with lies.  In my lost state of addiction, I had come to accept dozens of mistruths.  I believed that I could never tell my secret to anyone.  I was convinced there was no way out. I thought the compulsive cycle of porn had trapped me and that I was doomed to keep repeating my errors.

I desperately needed to listen to the voice of truth.  I longed for a compass to point me in the right direction and help me find my way home.  I ached for someone to offer me hope that I could be a better person and live a new life.

This voice is the Good Shepherd who said: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10-11). Jesus also said: “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:27-28).

Through his faith in Jesus, the apostle Paul wrote these words to believers like you and me in the city of Philippi:

“I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I’m so glad that the Lord does not view me through the lens of all my failures and my worst mistakes. His voice is the one that tells me my life can be different. He sees a new and improved me. His Spirit is at work within me and will carry out His plan of redemption today and tomorrow. This is the voice I choose to follow.

MY PORN = HER TRAUMA

I used to pride myself by saying that I had never cheated on my wife and that I had never so much as flirted with another woman.  A lady on the support board where I found help during my recovery wrote this in reply:  

“If you’ve logged on and viewed pornography in your home, you have cheated at home, You have brought your porn girlfriends into your home. You did not go to a strip club. You brought a parade of strippers and prostitutes right in your home to perform for your viewing pleasure in private. Porning is way worse than flirting. You are having mental and emotional sex with those women just as if they are right in front of you. You cheated with hundreds or even thousands of women behind your wife’s back. It sounds like you want to play it down so it won’t sound so bad.  You are just as bad as all the other guys who cheat on their wives in whatever form they do it. Adultery is adultery. Calling it pornography doesn’t make it not adultery.”

After I confessed my 30 year addiction to pornography to my wife she was in a state of shock.  Finding out about my compulsive addiction to pornography made her feel used, inferior, inadequate, and betrayed. I had always told her that she was the most important person in the world, but I had chosen the “porn girls” over her.  It was almost more than she could believe and more than she could bear.  She says it was like a dagger in the heart.

Finding out that I had betrayed her throughout our whole marriage was a tremendous loss for her.  Her storybook marriage had ended.  She thought she was marrying a Christian man; a man with values.  I was supposed to be someone who would never do these kinds of things.  She even asked: “How could God let this happen to me?  I went to a Bible college and married a man who said he would cherish me till death do us part.”

Since this was such a gigantic loss, my wife was going through the stages of grief.  And one stage that appeared with intensity was the stage of anger.  She was furious.  Intensely hurt.  Horribly shocked.  Words cannot even describe the blow that my betrayal inflicted on her soul.

The ladies on the online forum told me this would take time—years, even.  And they were right.  I knew I had provoked all of this hurt and pain.  My wife’s anger was normal and justified.  How could she not be upset by my betrayal?  I had not been the man she thought I was because I had looked to other women for pleasure and satisfaction.

There were days when she did not even want to look at me, much less allow me to come near to her or touch her.  I remember seeing her crying and thinking it was my role to comfort her in her pain, as I had done so many times in the past, but now, since I was the source of her pain, she did not want any comfort from me.  A few times she was so angry, she told me she hated me.  Some nights I slept on the couch. Her wounds were terribly deep.  I learned to be patient and allow her all the time she needed in order to heal.

It was a long road. There were days when we wondered if we would ever make it to the other side.  I had to give her time to heal. The trauma was deep.  Thank God, we slowly were able to rebuild our marriage and now our love is deeper and stronger than ever.

See more in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

HUMMINGBIRD OR BUZZARD?

Picture in your mind a hummingbird and a buzzard starting off from the same location and flying over the same landscape.  They cover the same terrain, yet the buzzard only finds rotten, decomposing meat, while the hummingbird flits along sipping nectar from beautiful, fragrant flowers.  Why would two creatures find such extreme opposites flying over the same countryside?  Each one is looking for something different. Jesus said, “Seek and ye shall find.”  We all find what we are looking for.

When I frantically sought out help instead of hunting for things which would destroy me, I discovered there are plenty of resources available. 

How about you? What are you seeking? That’s probably what you will find!

Do you want help finding freedom? Read:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Or you can write to me at: onlywithhishelp@gmail.com

Unreserved Honesty with God!

‘You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.’ (Jeremiah 29:13) Francois Fenelon (August 6, 1651 – January 7, 1715) was a French theologian, poet and writer. The Apostle Paul says that we are to “pray without ceasing,” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and Fenelon gives us a picture of what that might look like. 

Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend.

Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them;

Tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you conquer them;

Talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them: show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them;

Lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability.

Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others.

If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration they say just what they think.

Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God!