Hugh Houston's Blog, page 2

I Didn’t Tell My Wife About My Porn, Because I Didn’t Want To Hurt Her.

I knew better.  I knew pornography is a sin and that I needed to stop sneaking around trying to look at something provocative.  Yet anytime my wife asked me a question which might reveal my secret to her I would lie. I rationalized these lies in my mind by thinking: “How can I tell her?  She will be devastated!”

So I continued to live my double life year after year for three decades. 

How did I continue to look at porn knowing that I was going against the word of God?  Because I was like a prisoner locked up in solitary confinement. I never talked with anyone about what I was doing.  As a result, I was left alone to believe the lies I had come to accept as facts.  Thus I minimized, justified, compartmentalized and rationalized my totally irrational behavior.

I justified my addiction with poor excuses. I didn’t seek input from anyone else, thus I managed to convince myself that pictures of naked women weren’t porn and that I was merely exercising the natural urges God gave me.

I was caught up in something I knew was wrong, yet I had somehow rationalized my behavior and convinced myself that I was trying to stop.  At other times I minimized my destructive actions as not being really all that bad.  I vacillated between saying I had to quit and saying that looking at other women wasn’t really that wrong because I wasn’t actually with any other women.  In reality, fantasizing about being with other women in my mind made me an unfeeling and malicious betrayer.

It was fear of facing the truth and facing the consequences of my sinful actions that led me to hide my sin for so long.  I was not trying to protect my wife, I was avoiding accountability and trying to protect myself.

I was walking around in the darkness, afraid of the light and what the light would reveal.  Today I see how the light I had feared was the light I so desperately needed, in order to begin to understand where I was, what I had been doing for so long, and find a way out of this whole predicament.

In my double life, it seemed as if there was the real me that loved my wife and my family and the church, but another me who was controlled by my desires.  It took me far too long to discover how to manage these emotions, in order to not be the victim, destined to do what I don’t want to do, but I know I’m going to do because I’ve done it so many times before.

One day I finally accepted the truth that my wife had to know, she had a right to know who she was living with and what I had been doing. It wasn’t until I finally worked up the courage to confess my sin to my wife and saw myself through her eyes, that I began to understand the emptiness of my rationalizations.

My wife helped me see everything much differently.  She said I had betrayed her with hundreds, if not thousands of women. It felt to her as if I had invited these women into our home and had sexual relations with them. My involvement with pornography made her feel unloved, unworthy and rejected.  I had never even stopped to consider such an idea, but when she poured out her heart to me, I knew that she was right.

How I wish I could go back and change the past. I was so wrong.  Yes, telling my wife did hurt her.  But continuing in my sinful ways for so long hurt her even more.  It was only after I told the truth that we were able to confront the facts and work for solutions.

I thank God for helping us find our way.  I am thankful for my new life free from porn. And I’m thankful that today I have nothing to hide.  Our marriage is not perfect.  But we love each other and seek to help each other.  What a wonderful blessing that is.

Learn more about fleeing sin and living a life worth living in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Escaping the Snare of Sin

I heard that in India someone came up with a very clever trap for catching monkeys. They hollow out a coconut and make a hole in the top of the coconut just big enough for the monkey to slide its open hand in but not big enough for the monkey to withdraw its hand as a fist. Then they put some pieces of banana inside.  Next they use a rope to attach the coconut to the tree. Later a monkey comes along and puts his hand into the coconut to grab the tasty banana. The only thing that keeps the monkey from walking away is the desire to pull out the sweet fruit.

Escaping is easy.  Nothing other than the desire to eat the banana traps the monkey and takes away his freedom. Yet the monkeys refuse to release the fruit and are easily captured.

Sadly, far too many people realize that many times we are our own worst enemy.  We have become slaves to sin or prisoners of our compulsive habits, while freedom lies right in front of us.  There are no chains wrapped around us holding us in jail.  At any time, we can let go of whatever it is we have been holding onto for so long.

Are you trapped by your attachment to your habitual sin?  You probably already know how destructive the consequences of sin are.  When we give into selfish desires we hurt ourselves, we harm others and we disappoint our Lord.

The Lord has a banquet waiting for us, a feast of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, etc.

Settling for a small morsel that the devil offer’s us cannot compare with the abundant life Jesus offers all of those who take up their cross and follow him.

Letting go of sin may seem almost impossible in the moment, but I don’t think any of us want to be compared to the trapped monkey who foolishly looses his freedom, when he could choose to let go and walk away.

Today I thank God that after being held hostage to compulsive pornography for over three decades I finally got the help I needed to let go of the illusion of happiness and discover the peace that passes understand which Jesus offers you and me.

There is hope for you.  Jesus is here to help you.  Take the first step today.  Let go of what has ensnared you for so long and run for help. Many have found freedom and you can too.

Learn more about finding victory over habitual sin in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Beauty!  How do you define it? Where do we learn who is beautiful?

Sadly, many of us have bought into the ideas presented by Barbie, Disney, Victoria’s Secret, Playboy and the porn industry. Beauty has to do with body shape, high cheek bones, small noses and flowing hair.

When I finally decided that I just had to escape the compulsive cycle of porn I quickly learned that one of my primary tasks was to replace lies with the truth.  And one of those lies is what it means for a person to be beautiful.

According to research, fashion models (consider by most people to be the prettiest) feel less happy and fulfilled than people in other careers. Researchers at City University in London found models are more likely to have low self-esteem, feel lonely and be suspicious of others.

‘If your job values you solely for your looks or your ability to walk up and down, opportunities for experiencing this satisfying sense of competence may be limited.’

The models also reported feeling suspicious of others, being more disconnected and lonely, and more self-centered.

Author Dr. David A. Frederick, assistant professor of health psychology stated: “Our results show that seeing slender and bikini-clad models had an immediate and direct impact on how women feel about their own bodies, and that impact was mostly negative.”

“Not enough!” That’s how my wife felt after I disclosed to her that I had been looking at and lusting after the bodies of other women for decades.  She felt like she would never be pretty enough to compete with all of my porn girlfriends.

The truth be told those who are looking for a high or a thrill from lust are never satisfied with any one image or person.  Once I sat down and began to seek out women to lust after I just kept clicking and clicking to find another and another.  Desires never quench our thirst, they only leave us wanting more.

Obviously if we decide to go along with what society and the media have presented as beautiful ever single human being will end up being “not enough”.  Perhaps their legs meet the standard but their ears are a little too large.  Or she might have beautiful lips yet her eyes are too close together.  Not to mention the fact that with time, either we die young or grow old, and gravity does it’s inevitable work and wrinkles win out in the end.

Real beauty, true beauty is described in God’s word.  Have you read this passage in 1 Peter 3?

“What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner, unfading beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.”

True beauty is who the person is, how they act, how they view life, how they treat others.

Kindness, compassion, joy, goodness and caring for others make a person truly beautiful.

That’s the kind of person I want and need to be my lifelong companion.  And that’s who God wants me to be as I serve him in this world.

Being a beautiful man or woman doesn’t have anything to do with the size or shape of our noses, but everything to do with our hearts, minds and souls.

May we all grow in love for God and for our neighbor and become beautiful people in a world that is in search for true, unfading beauty.

May we fight the lies of external beauty head on and help the next generation overcome the feelings of “not enough” so that each human being can learn that we are loved by God and in his eyes we are more than enough.  He loved us enough to send his Son to die for us and offer us a life worth living, a life without end, a truly good and beautiful life.

Find out more about replacing lies with truth in my book: Jesus Is Better

GOD HAS GIVEN US EVERYTHING WE NEED!

“God’s divine power has given us everything we need for life and for godliness.” (2 Peter 1:3) If God has given us everything we need, what do we lack?  Nothing!

In reality, I always had everything I needed to beat my compulsive addiction to pornography.  You have always had everything you need to turn your back on your habitual sin, find freedom and discover a new life.  God is good and God is faithful.

The Spirit of God declares in Paul’s letter to the church in Rome:

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Romans 8:31-32 

God already gave us the most priceless gift of all.  Jesus gave his life to rescue us from our sins.  So won’t He take care of us today and supply the resources we need to live a flourishing life right now?  Of course, he will.  In fact, if he hadn’t already spoken to our hearts and given us a nudge in the right direction, we would still be blind to the darkness that had imprisoned us for far too long.

Can I live a life without lust?  Only when I believe that all my needs are being met by the One who knows me the best and loves me the most.  Drinking salt water will won’t quench my thirst, it will cause me to be thirstier.  Only the living water that comes from above can quench and satisfy my thirsty soul.

That’s why Jesus is a million times better than porn or any other substitute.  When Jesus spoke to a woman who went to draw water from a well, he told her:

If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”  Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
John 4:10-13

The man who hopes to quench his thirst with porn and lust will forever be searching for one more thrill.  The person who is searching for satisfaction through material possessions will constantly be running after one more purchase.  But when Jesus fills my heart, he becomes in me a “spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  Only He is big enough to fill the hole in my soul!

This world has nothing to offer us.  As the apostle Paul wrote to believers in Philippi:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.
Philippians 3:7-8

Jesus isn’t just better than porn. Jesus is the best!

Do I have hope?  Yes, I am hope FULL!  My hope and my help come from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121). Take heart!  Your life can be different.  You can live a life worth living.  You can lay your head on your pillow at night and know that you lived a day with no regrets.  With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Today you can take another step towards the Light.  You will need to ask for help along the way, but don’t get discouraged.  Every trial and obstacle you face will only make the prize at the end seem that much sweeter.  Never forget that freedom is a glorious gift from above.

Learn more about breaking free from habitual sins in my book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

A MISSIONARY’S JOURNEY THROUGH PORNOGRAPHY

I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  How was I ever going to break free from the hamster wheel of porn addiction? I was 50 years old, and I felt like I had been fighting lust and pornography my whole life.

My first encounter with pornography came when I was a teenager spending the night with my cousins. They lived in another state and I didn’t see them very often. There were three brothers and two were older than me. I still remember they shared a bedroom with two double beds. Along one of the walls, there was a desk.  One night at bedtime one of my cousins opened a large drawer on the side of the desk and pulled out a stack of Playboy magazines.

I had never looked at one of those in my life. That night I thumbed t through several magazines. Some of those images were burned into my brain. I can still remember the rush I felt as the adrenalin pulsed through my body. Was it addiction at first sight? I can’t say. I just know that in spite of the fact that I had been taught differently, from then on, I began to seek out opportunities to take another peek and feel that same high.

BIBLE COLLEGE, MARRIAGE, MISSIONS, LUST

I went away to Bible college and eventually decided to become a missionary.  But none of that quieted the ghosts of lust that still haunted my thoughts.  While I was there, I fell in love with a wonderful Christian woman who is still my wife to this day.  

Like so many guys, I thought having a wife and a healthy sexual relationship with her would cure my desire to look at pictures of other women. I was dead wrong.

I remember after we had children, I would get out of bed late at night when everyone was asleep, sneak into the living room and flip through all the channels, hoping to catch a glimpse of something sensual.  

Now when I think about those times I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.  But it’s the truth.  

Once I went to a men’s retreat with guys from our church where I felt extremely close to the Lord.  While there I had repented of my sins and renewed my vow to live only for Him.  But when I arrived home late at night I turned on the television to seek out those lusty images one more time.  

I wish I could say that was the only time that happened. Like so many other nights, I fell asleep with my heart in pieces, asking myself what was wrong with me. 

I would get up and preach on Sunday about Jesus and living for him.  But when nobody was looking I was searching for sex scenes on the TV.  

When the Internet came along my problem got infinitely worse. Now I didn’t have to flip through channels to find something or go out to some newsstand. All of a sudden, what my sinful self craved, was right at my fingertips. 

One day I was in my office looking at a steamy picture on a site and my oldest son walked into the room. I couldn’t get off the site in time so I just reached up and turned off my computer monitor. He saw though and I stayed up that night wondering what he thought.  Yet not even that sobering scare kept me from going back for more. 

And the months and years marched on.

In order to live with myself, I minimized my sins and justified my actions.  Yet in spite of all of my rationalizations, I was still living a lie.  I felt so much shame and guilt.  I can remember looking at those pictures on a Friday or Saturday and then going to church on Sunday and taking the Lord’s Supper.  I remember how I fought to push those images out of my mind so I could think about Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross for me.  I thought:  “How could I have let this happen?”  Even in my self-induced blindness, I knew I wanted out.  I had to find a way out.  

How many times did I promise God and myself that I wanted out of this mess, vowing that this time I would try harder and this time I really meant it?  Nothing ever worked, nothing ever changed. Except something did happen because this part of my story is years behind me.

So what happened? 

Something occurred within me that only God’s presence can explain.  He touched my heart and planted in me a drive to finally search for help. Help beyond my own strength and beyond my comfort zone of control. I could never have made it without the Lord’s grace. 

He is always there and certainly more than willing to rescue those who are perishing and give life to the dying.  

I can’t really say why I took that step, except that I was deathly afraid of my craving for porn getting even worse. At the age of 50, I had lied so much and wasted so much. I was sick and afraid. One day I took action. 

REDEEMING THE INTERNET

Up to this point our internet service had been dial-up. But my wife and our younger son really wanted broadband. They kept insisting, so one day I finally gave in.

And that’s the day, with the Lord’s help, I began to use the tool that had been the door to so much evil to seek help. I should have confessed my sin to a friend or to someone at church.  But you see I’m a missionary. I was too afraid to let my secret be known. I was afraid of the repercussions. Yet it was only after I reached out to others that I began to find the freedom my heart always longed for. At first, this started with an online community then I began to reach out to others around me. 

A NEW MISSION

Over a year later I worked up the courage to confess my involvement with pornography to my wife.  She was devastated.  

Those were dark days as we dealt with all of the repercussions of my betrayal. Through it all the grace of the Lord reached down to us and picked us up in our woundedness and brokenness.  Through his love and mercy, He has remade us and strengthened us. Our marriage is so much stronger today than it ever was in the past. We’ve learned how to fight for our relationship and daily move toward each other and Christ. 

Looking back, the parts of myself that I kept from my wife were never worth it. I would hide from my family and from God’s family. I hid in darkness and I gave my deepest passions to an empty relationship. I was sinking into a vast ocean, all alone. 

The new marriage and deeper relationship the Lord has given my wife and me has been more than I could have ever hoped for. The Lord’s mercy never fails.

Don’t wait till you’re 50 and empty. There is hope for a new life. Get help. Jesus is ready to help you. It’s time to stop hiding. Reach out to someone today.

Take a look at my book here: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Also, you can reach me at  onlywithhishelp@gmail.com

My Sin Became Unbearable

I felt trapped.  I couldn’t take it anymore, and I was scared to death.  I was 50 years old, and it felt like I had been fighting lust, masturbation and pornography my whole life.  I knew that if I didn’t do something quickly, my secret sin was going to get much, much worse.

Like so many others who are caught up in addictions of all kinds, for many years I believed that what was lacking on my part was sincerity or effort.  I thought that if I just prayed more fervently and tried harder next time I would overcome this compulsive sin.  I did not realize how deeply ingrained these habits had become and that the solution would not be quick and easy.  I also failed to understand that by keeping my sin a secret I was depriving myself of any help that I might receive from others who had answers for this kind of behavior.

After binging episodes, before I turned off the computer, I would make sure to wipe my search history clean and erase all of the cookies from my browser.  Then I would vow to myself and to God that this was the last time I would ever look at porn.  This happened dozens, if not hundreds, of times. Each time I promised God and myself that I wanted out of this predicament, vowing that this time I would try harder and this time I really meant it.

I was sick and tired of grip porn had on me.  I longed for freedom. By God’s amazing grace one day I finally realized that if I didn’t get help right then, my sin would get infinitely worse. I thank God for rescuing me and nudging me to finally seek help.  On that day, with the Lord’s help, I began to use the Internet, which had been a portal through which so much evil had entered my life, to search for ways to break free from this terrible addiction.

How was it that after decades of determining I was going to quit and failing, this time I finally began taking concrete steps to breaking free from compulsive cycle of sin?  What was different that day when things actually started to change?

Certainly, God was present.  He touched my heart and planted in me a drive to finally search for help.  Yet He is always there and certainly more than willing to rescue the perishing. I had become deathly afraid of my craving for porn getting exponentially worse.  I could see I had to find help. I was desperate, like a guy who is drowning and knows he is about to go under for the last time. I had come to the end of my rope and felt like I just had to find a way off of the hamster wheel of sin.

I’m sure some people seek freedom motivated by love – love for God or for others.  But I have seen that many others, like me, have to reach the bottom of the barrel before they look up. Things had to get very bad before I finally took steps to seek true change.  While I don’t believe this is the highest form of motivation it seems to be where most people start.

In AA the first of the twelve steps is: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. That our lives had become unmanageable.  In Romans 7:18 Paul wrote:    “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

The word I would change in this first step is “unmanageable”.  I would say “unbearable”.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  It seemed that lust was dominating my life.  Far too many times it seemed as if pornographic thoughts had taken control of my mind.  So much so that one of the greatest blessings in breaking free from this sin was getting my thoughts back.

Without a doubt, desperation is what compelled me to reach out for help.  I pray that you have also come to the place where you just have to find a new life.  It was only when I reached the end of my rope that I was ready to pay the price and do whatever it took to move forward into true and lasting change. 

I pray that you have also reached the place where the life of sin has become unbearable.

I pray you will ask the Lord for help and take this first step down the road to freedom, because freedom is a glorious blessing from above!

Learn more about how to break free from pornography or other habitual sins in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

A Prayer for Living a Life Without Lack

May this prayer from the end of Dallas Willard’s book, Life Without Lack, help you and me today as we seek to trust the Lord more fully.

Gracious Lord,

Help us to see and understand with the eyes of faith and the mind you have given us – your magnificent glorious self-sufficient being, and the greatness of your kingdom into which we are invited. May we grasp the deep significance of the words, “in Him we live and move and have our being,” and know that in that safest of places – in you – there simply is no lack.

Open our eyes to the high privilege of being created in your image. Convince us that nothing makes you happier than seeing those redeemed by your grace devoting their days to the good of other people and your creation. Win over our timid and doubting hearts with the conviction that we are your greatest treasure in all creation.

Give us sober yet fearless awareness of Satan’s ploys and deceits. Strengthen our hearts in the knowledge that we have nothing to fear, for you have defeated him. We are so glad to know that greater are you who are in us than he that is in the world. May our hearts carry that message as we contemplate the awesome reality of the spiritual battle around us.

Tender Father you have taught us so clearly that faith – trust – is essential to a life without lack. We confess that while we believe in you, we need to believe more fully, more deeply, more constantly. In his life, death, and resurrection Jesus showed us that you are completely and utterly trustworthy, and even in the shadow of death there is nothing to fear, for you are with us.

Bring us to the place of peace where we no longer feel a need to defend ourselves, or to worry about who’s going to take care of us, or to be recognized, or to get our way, or to make sure things turn out right. Lord, free us through the knowledge that because you are with us, working in our lives, we have everything we need.

And now, with the truth of who you are deeply engraved in our hearts, give us the confidence and power to love all who are in our lives just as we are being loved by you – freely, fully, joyfully. Let your Spirit move in our minds and hearts so we believe ever more fully that because you are our all-sufficient Shepherd, we shall never want.

We ask all this because we would have it no other way.  Amen.

IS SIN IRRESISTABLE?

How did I allow my addiction to pornography to continue for so many years?  I felt out of control. Like so many guys I’ve met, I remained entrapped in the addictive cycle because I convinced myself I was doing my best to get out, but when the urge hit, it was far too strong for me to resist.  Having given in to my urges hundreds of times I felt like I was doomed to fail.

One day it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I was taking the free course on Recovery Nation, and discovered something Jon Marsh wrote.  He said if I were in the middle of looking at porn on my computer and heard someone approaching the room, I would quickly close out that page and navigate to another site.  I had no trouble taking control of the situation under those circumstances.  Why then, when I was all alone and imagined nobody would find out, did I believe it was impossible to resist the craving to go take a peek?

The same thing is true regarding anger.  I had trouble controlling my temper as a child.  I thought that as I grew and matured I was getting better.  But after I got married and had kids, I would explode at our children for their misbehavior or defiance.  I could feel my blood starting to boil and my tongue would take over from there.  When my wife confronted me regarding my behavior, I just made excuses.  “Sure, I don’t want to get mad and shout at our kids.  It’s not like I planned to lash out at them.” She challenged me to plan ahead and think about how I should react in those kinds of situations and work out a strategy of how to handle things better next time.

Another example I think all of us can identify with is when two people are in the middle of a heated argument, and then company arrives.  Most likely they will act as if everything is normal and nothing is wrong.

If I do actually have the capacity to control my actions in these situations, the truth is that I am always in charge.  I am responsible for my actions.  I wasn’t forced to yell at the kids and nobody held a gun to my head and compelled me to search for pornography on the Internet.  I decided to do it.  Today I can choose not to do it.

As a person who believes in the God who created the world and made each one of us, I believe what the Bible says – “with Him all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  I believe nothing is impossible for God (Luke 1:37).  If I’ve been making all sorts of mistakes, who’s to blame?  I have no one to blame but myself.  If a bird made a nest on top of my head, at a minimum I allowed it to happen.  I could have chased it away.

And this is good news. Today I can choose to walk in the light. One of God’s promises that fills my soul with hope is found in 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

No temptation, no urge, no craving will ever be so intense or strong that I cannot resist it. God is always with me. He is faithful. And everytime I am tempted the Lord is there to offer me a way out, a way of escape. What a blessing!

There is hope for you and me! Today we can live a new life and walk in the light. Today we can turn our backs on sin and do what is right and true and good and holy. We can, with the Lord’s help obviously, live a day with no regrets!

Would you like to learn more about this new life? Take a look at my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

“I Wish I Had Never Met You!”

“I wish I had never met you!” No words ever hurt me as much as those did.  My wife was so mad at me. I think that day she felt like God had betrayed her.  How could God have allowed this to happen?  She never imagined that the Christian guy she dated and married had been hooked on lusting after women for most of his life.  I certainly never her revealed that information to her.

If you were to ask my wife today what it was like to learn that her husband of 30 years had been caught up in the secret sin of pornography since before she met him, she would tell you it was like getting kicked in the groin or stabbed in the back.  After I disclosed my addiction to her she didn’t really know what to think or what to do.

This new information turned everything on its head.  Nothing was as it seemed.  What was true?  What was false?  What had our marriage meant to me?  How could she ever trust me again? 

My wife had planned on marrying a follower of Jesus.  That was her dream and her plan since childhood.  Her parents had prayed for that almost every day of her life.  So how did she end up with me?  Why was she having to deal with something as dark, ugly and perverted as pornography?  She wished she could wake up from this nightmare and discover that it had only been a very, very bad dream.

One of the phrases that she had sometimes spoken to me over the years was: “My heart love you!” Those words warmed my heart.  They were like music to my ears.  I felt embraced by her love when she spoke them. 

Porn left me feeling like I was a victim.  I felt trapped.  I felt enslaved.  Yet at the same time, truth be told, I was the one who had turned the one I most love in this world into a victim.  My choices and my lack of courage to find help for my behavior had left my wife feeling unwanted and second place. I had betrayed her trust and chosen to look at other women, preferring them to her.  So why wouldn’t she wish she had never met me?  No one had ever hurt her as much as I did.

Other wives of porn addicts had warned me that working our way through this darkness would not happen overnight.  For weeks my wife didn’t want me to touch her.  Many nights I slept in the spare bedroom.  It is only by God’s grace that she didn’t ask me to move out.

Both of us saw therapists.  We read many books.  We offered countless prayers. And slowly we rebuilt our relationship.  This time it was a relationship based on transparency and honesty.  Forgiveness came slowly.  Several years have past and God has worked a miracle in our marriage.

Last week I left to attend a workshop in another state.  When my wife dropped me off, as I was getting out of the car, she looked me in the eye and said with love in her voice: “You come back to me!”  Wow!

Thank you, Lord.  What had almost seemed impossible is now a reality.  I am wanted.  She likes me.  She enjoys being with me.  We both pray we can grow old together. Lord, you took something which had been destroyed and created a masterpiece.  May I be forever grateful and never take any relationship for granted.  May I always realize that walking in the light is a million times better that stepping into the darkness.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me a second chance and for blessing me with your amazing grace and with people who love me in spite of my weaknesses and mistakes.

Learn more breaking free from pornography & finding a new life. Read:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn Also available at Other Bookstores

You Had Lost Your Smile

For three decades I hid my sin.  I was too ashamed and afraid to tell anyone that when no one was watching, I would sneak a peek at porn.  My wife had no idea.  I remember one day after we had gotten dial-up internet that she happened to see pictures of naked women on my computer screen.  I immediately said that I did not know how that had popped up there.  Since she trusted me completely she believed my lie. 

We met at a Bible college.  I was there studying theology preparing to become a missionary. She was a pastor’s daughter and both of us had grown up going to church every time the doors were open.  She assumed she knew what kind of man she was getting. I told her she was my one and only.  Why should she think otherwise?

When I was a teenager I would lust after pictures in the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine.  Back then, sometimes I could thumb through a men’s magazine from the top rack of magazines at a convenience store or a used book store. But when the internet came along I was able to find fodder to feed my compulsive desire much more readily.

Yesterday, while my wife and I were eating lunch, I told her that I had read about a recent study which found that kids in kindergarten laugh 300 times a day, compared to adults, who laugh just 17 times a day.  And I told her that one of her virtues is that she is a happy person who likes to laugh.  I commented that she laughs more often than I do.  Then she replied:  “Yes, and you had practically quit laughing and smiling altogether when you were caught up in your addiction to porn.”

When I began my recovery from porn addiction I learned about the term “gaslighting”. By lying to her about my addiction I was keeping her in the dark and hiding the truth.  I was creating a false reality for her.

When I finally sat down and disclosed my secret sin to her she was devastated.  She never imagined that I could do something like that.  Yet learning the truth also helped her begin to put the pieces together.  Amazingly, she was more aware of part of the truth than I was.  She perceived that I was not the same person I had been.  I had lost my smile.  I was not the cheerful man I used to be.  I was not much fun to be around.  My sour spirit was contaminating our marriage and our family.

What compelled me to look at porn?  It was exciting, titillating, thrilling, etc.  Porn promised a good time and kept me coming back for more at almost every opportunity.

Yet in reality porn never fulfilled it’s promises.  It filled my eyes, occupied my brain and sent my heart racing yet left my soul empty.  Porn killed my joy.  Porn promised me everything I could want but gave me nothing I needed.  I suppose all addictions are like this.  They promise freedom but bring heartache, captivity and enslavement.

I wish I could tell you that my primary reason for wanting out of porn was to save my marriage or my family or to please God.  But more than anything, what drove me to seek help and find a way out was that I was sick and tired of being consumed by that depraved and evil world.  While on the one hand my wife knew better than I that my smile was gone, I too finally woke up to the fact that I wanted out of that dark, sad, lonely, perverted place.  I just had to escape that dark hole.

I thank God for helping me wake up.  I am eternally grateful that he provided me with friends and resources to help me finally break free from the hamster wheel of the cycle of porn.  I will forever be grateful to my wife for making the choice to forgive me and for making the effort to help us move forward to a new marriage based on honesty and genuine intimacy. And one of the wonderful serendipities following this path of light has brought me is that today I have my smile back!

I’m smiling right now!  Because walking in love is a glorious gift from above!

Learn more about how you can find your smile in my book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Also available at Other Bookstores