Hugh Houston's Blog, page 6

Wet Dreams & Nocturnal Emissions

Every now and then someone will ask me about erotic dreams and nocturnal emissions.  I totally understand their concern.  It can be quite disconcerting.  It always was for me.

Today a guy wrote to me on Facebook.  “What’s your take on nocturnal emissions? I haven’t looked at porn in over a year or even craved looking at pornography but this morning in a dream I was scrolling through porn on my phone.  Then I dreamed that my fiancé and I were doing something inappropriate  (and we have never done anything sexually). And then I had an emission in my dream. That’s when I woke up and discovered that the emission was real. I’m in shock that this happened and you’re the only person I know I can ask about it.”

This was my reply:

You and I are responsible for decisions we make.  As I see it dreams are totally OUT of my control.  I don’t plan out before I go to bed what I will dream about.  I can’t choose or determine what I will dream about tonight.  I have no say in the matter.

And nocturnal emissions are completely natural, something God gave us. We can’t turn it off.  For the single man this is part of life.  It is the way we  were created.

So WORRY about what you do when you are awake. You can and must control your thoughts.  Live in purity every waking moment.  Follow the advice the apostle Paul gives us in Romans 12:2 and don’t allow yourself to conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Practice what Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” .

But do not worry about erotic dreams or nocturnal emissions. You have no control over these things and the Lord knows that.  Control what you have control over and that will keep you busy.  Place your life in the Lord’s hands and live for him one day at a time.

MY JOURNAL, MY JOURNEY

When I began my journey to put pornography in the rearview mirror of my life I was 50 years old.  For decades I had been “practicing” doing what was wrong.  Breaking free was a monumental task.  I thank God for leading me on this journey and pointing me to people and places where I could find help.  On that first day I got on the Internet and instead of looking for something provocative I searched for a way out.

Thank God, I found a support board for men (and a few women) who were trying to break free from pornography addiction.  I read articles about how the addictive cycle works and testimonials of those who had changed their lives.  I pored over personal threads and journals, where people write about their struggles and their victories.  I began to go to the board every day and write in my own journal about my goals and my desire for a new life.  It certainly wasn’t easy to break free, but as I voiced my feelings, I began to find hope.  I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Writing down my thoughts, feelings, and observations helped me see and identify my mistakes more clearly.  My journal enabled me to discover where I had been going wrong and see what I needed to work on.  I learned that by maintaining these sinful habits for so many years, I had gone against the values that I claimed to believe and cherish.  I saw that I had swallowed many deceptions from the father of lies.  One by one I had to identify those falsehoods and replace them with the truth and allow the Light to expel the darkness.

One day I wrote out a short list of lies I had often told myself:

These pictures of naked ladies are harmless, really.Every man does it. It’s just normal male behavior.It’s okay to ogle women; I’m supposed to find beautiful women attractive.I’m not hurting anyone.  I’m only looking.

Bad habits are a curse; good habits are a blessing.  In order to live the life I wanted to live, I needed to unlearn my bad ways of acting and begin to develop good habits.  This required time and effort on my part, but the benefits made it all worthwhile.  Just like learning to ride a bike, the person who wants to learn a new sport or acquire a new habit will fail.  Slips and falls are to be expected.  All that’s needed is to get right back up and go back to doing what is good and true and healthy.

This is one area where I found my journal to be especially helpful.  It was a place to go and write out what happened.  When I made a mistake, I then had an excellent opportunity to analyze how it took place.  What led up to acting out?  What changes would I make to avoid “slipping up” next time?  (Notice how we referred to it as a “slip”, not as a “plunge” as if it were completely beyond our control to stop it.)

I encourage you to write in a journal every day about your feelings, goals, struggles, and successes. Write out your “battle plan” of how you are going to see this through.  What practical steps will you take day by day in order to reach your goal?  Make this as simple, direct, and practical as possible.  Think of the steps an athlete will take in order to win a gold medal.

I learned to prepare for the unexpected; because the unexpected really can be expected. Triggers are everywhere.  We live in a sex-saturated society.  I had to prepare for temptations to pop up in unusual places, and always be ready to say a quick and decisive “NO!”

I realized that so many of my behaviors happened subconsciously, without me really thinking about them.  Lusting had become second nature for me.  I had developed the habit of looking for something to stimulate me.  While I may have said I was opposed to this kind of behavior, my actions showed I found it pleasurable.  In order to get rid of these bad habits, I needed to replace them with good habits. This is essential for anyone who desires a new and better life and can only come about through intentional living.  New behaviors don’t just happen automatically. I had to remain focused and maintain my mind in “battle mode” in order to make good choices quickly and easily.  Recovery is basically the process of replacing old, unhealthy habits with positive habits so that the right thing becomes the “automatic” behavior.

Only the light can chase away the darkness.  I need the truth, otherwise, I will remain enslaved by the lies of the evil one. Writing in my journal every day helped me focus on the truth and plan out how I would practice intentional living that day.  The more I wrote the more I understood myself.

Sometimes I say that when we write in a journal and delve into our feelings and what motivates us we become our own psychiatrist.  I’m not saying that this should replace belonging to a support group or going to a therapist, but my journal was a valuable tool as I looked over my life and planned for change.  Where had I gone wrong?  What needed to change?  How would I do this? 

I wrote in my journal almost every day for well over two years.  It was a source of inspiration and a place to go to pour out my dreams for a new life.  I thank God for helping me every step of the way.  My journal was a very important tool as I learned to replace the lies with truth and to walk in the light.

Today I confess that I used human beings as objects to satisfy my own selfish desires. I treated creatures made by God as something to be exploited and abused by me at my whim and fancy.  And today, once again, I repent of this dreadful and obnoxious sin.

Open my eyes, Lord, to see where I was and what I did. Help me never to do it again. Help me to always treat every human being as an eternal soul loved by You. Forgive me and remake me!  I thank you for giving me another chance to live a life worth living.

Learn more about breaking free from pornography in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

There But For The Grace Of God Go I

Today, for the first time, I read some of the details about Ravi Zacharias’ sexual misconduct. It is so ugly, evil, tragic and sad. Too tragic and painful for me to describe here. I think about all of the victims. Women he seduced in one way or another. His own family. Those who trusted him as a man of God and teacher of God’s word.

But one of the first thoughts that pops into my mind is: “There but for the grace of God go I.” Who am I to sit here and call him a hypocrite and say that his money, fame and pride led to his downfall?

I too lusted. I too became controlled by my desires. I will never know why I looked at pornography but never sought out prostitutes. Somehow God never let me go that far. What I did was bad enough. My betrayal over three decades took a heavy toll on my wife. I’m ashamed to say that as a pastor and preacher I engaged in my habitual sin multitudes of times. Who knows what evils I would be capable of practicing given the right situation? I know I was always afraid of being found out. If I had known I could get away with it, what might I have done?

Today I believe that if my sins have served any good purpose, it is to teach me to be humble. My own terrible sins make it clear that I need the Lord every day. I ask him to keep me vigilant. I pray that he will always remind me that it is only when I am weak and seek his help, that I can find true strength.

May I always be grateful to the Lord for His mercy and grace in rescuing the perishing. I was lost and he found me. I was dying and he gave me life.

Millions are caught up in pornography and other sexual sins today. It is a deadly pandemic. Others are being swallowed up by materialism or other sinful desires. May we reach out to those who are lost today – before it is too late for them and before they hurt any more people. May you and I who have been shown grace and mercy, extend grace and mercy to those who need the marvelous light of the Lord of Life.

MY DOUBLE LIFE

After I confessed my sin to my wife, I asked myself: “How could I have done something so unthinkable, to inflict such tremendous pain upon the love of my life, the person to whom I promised to be faithful and true?”  But that’s just it. I didn’t think.  In my own head, I pretended that this was my private problem and I was dealing with it the best I could.

I realized it would devastate my wife if she found out. I knew it was wrong before God.  I understood all of this, but only to the extent that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to confess my sin to anyone; I didn’t take it seriously enough to actually do anything about it.  I wasted so much time.

I was leading a double life.  Sometimes I think I was not much different from a serial killer whose family and neighbors are all in shock when they finally learn what he did in secret.

I was caught up in something I knew was wrong, yet I had somehow rationalized my behavior and convinced myself that I was trying to stop.  At other times I minimized my destructive actions as not being really all that bad.  I vacillated between saying I had to quit and saying that looking at other women wasn’t really that wrong because I wasn’t actually with any other women.  In reality, fantasizing about being with other women in my mind made me an unfeeling and malicious betrayer.

Leading a double life for all those years took it’s toll on me.  I felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  While pornography offered a momentary high, it also brought shame and left me feeling all alone.

Part of me was walking around in the darkness, hanging back in the shadows.  I was always afraid of the light and what the light would reveal.  Now I see how the light I had feared was the light I so desperately needed, in order to begin to understand where I was, what I had been doing for so long, and find a way out of this whole predicament.  I was living in a fog.  This fog cut off my vision of everything—the bad and the good. I need the light that reveals my sins because this same light shows me the path to peace and joy!

In my double life, it seemed as if there was the real me that loved my wife and my family and the church, but another me who was controlled by my desires.  It took me far too long to discover how to manage these emotions and these feelings, in order to not be the victim, destined to do what I don’t want to do, but I know I’m going to do because I’ve done it so many times before.

I read verses like Ephesians 4:18 “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them.” and Philippians 3:19 “Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things”. Yet I never imagined these verses applied to me and my condition. I was totally off base on this subject, accepting a condition which was unacceptable.  My emotions and desires were out of control, taking charge of this area of my life.  My habitual sin felt like it had a mind of its own. 

In my lost condition, I was not only betraying my wife, but I was also going against my own values and beliefs. How could I claim to love God and my wife, and yet be so callous to this problem?  When I reflect on these things, I realize it is impossible to make sense out of nonsense.  I had everything inside-out and backward.

That’s why confessing my sin to my wife was both the hardest and the best thing I could have done.  I felt relief; that I had finally done the right thing.  My double life was over and the secret was out, but her suffering and pain were only beginning.  She was on an emotional roller coaster.  She has said several times how unfair this was—I was the one who made the mistake; I chose to do what I knew was wrong, yet she had to go see a therapist.  She had to read up on this dark, perverted illness and go back over our life together and see if any of it had been what she thought it was, or if everything we seemed to have together was all one big farce.

Finding out about my compulsive addiction to pornography made my wife feel used, inferior, inadequate, and betrayed. I had always told her that she was the most important person in the world, but I had chosen the “porn girls” over her. She says it was like a dagger in the heart.

I can’t change the past.  But with my double life behind me, I now walk in the light.  My wife knows what I did and yet she found a way to forgive me and she still loves me.  She has given me a second chance.  I am now free from porn and my wife knows my heart is no longer divided.  I have no secrets to hide.  And that’s a very good thing for me and for her.

Learn more about finding victory over pornography in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

“PRAYER” by George Herbert

Prayer the Church’s banquet, Angels’ age,
God’s breath in man returning to his birth,
The soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage,
The Christian plummet sounding heaven and earth;

Engine against the Almighty, sinner’s tower,
Reversed thunder, Christ-side-piercing spear,
The six-days world transposing in an hour,
A kind of tune, which all things hear and fear;

Softness, and peace, and joy, and love, and bliss,
Exalted Manna, gladness of the best,
Heaven in ordinary, man well dressed,
The Milky Way, the bird of Paradise,

Church-bells beyond the stars heard, the soul’s blood,
The land of spices; something understood.

Thank God for prayer! Thank God, for God!

THE HOOK

The Bible tells us that God always provides a way out when we are tempted to sin:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Change is possible.  This is not an impossible task.  Sin comes along and offers what looks enticing.  And like a fish looking at the worm in the water, we can’t see the hook that lies underneath.  Through prayer and by focusing on what we know to be true and right, over time we will see the worm and think about the hook and all of the pain it will bring.  By intentionally focusing our thoughts on good things, our desire for what is wrong will diminish and no longer run rampant, dominating our minds.  One of the greatest blessings I’ve gained now that I’ve found this new freedom is to have a clear head, with clean thoughts.

In 1988, Iron Eyes Cody told this old Indian legend in Guideposts magazine. (published in Wisdom Well Said, 2009 Levine Mesa Press):

Many years ago, an Indian youth went away in solitude to prepare for manhood. He hiked into a beautiful valley. There he fasted. But on the third day, as he looked up at the surrounding mountains, he noticed one tall rugged peak, capped with dazzling snow. I will test myself against that mountain, he thought. He put on his buffalo-hide shirt, threw his blanket over his shoulders and set off to climb the peak. When he reached the top he stood on the rim of the world. He could see forever, and his heart swelled with pride. Then he heard a rustle at his feet, and looking down, he saw a snake. Before he could move, the snake spoke.

“I am about to die,” said the snake. “It is too cold for me up here and I am freezing. There is no food and I am starving. Put me under your shirt and take me down to the valley.”

“No,” said the youth. “I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite, and your bite will kill me.”

“Not so,” said the snake. “I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, you will be special. I will not harm you.”

The youth resisted awhile, but this was a very persuasive snake. At last, the youth tucked it under his shirt and carried it down to the valley. There he laid it gently on the grass, when suddenly the snake coiled, rattled, and leapt, biting him on the leg.

“But you promised…” cried the youth.

“You knew what I was when you picked me up.” said the snake as it slithered away.

It is up to me to recognize my own weaknesses and know where the danger lies.  Temptations begin inside of my own heart.  It is essential for me to look honestly inside of my soul and admit that I am only tempted when the desire to sin dwells within me.  This means it is essential for me to develop a strategy to replace these desires for harmful activities, with a desire to seek the Lord.  This transformation in my thought process will not happen in one day or in one week or even in one month.  But modifying my thoughts is the only way to develop a new life, a life worth living.

John Owen said, “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.”  Temptations cannot be toyed with.  The hook is always there to destroy us.  But with God’s help, over time, it is possible to kill these desires that lead to sin.  The Bible gives us this ray of hope in the book of James:

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Come near to God and he will come near to you.
James 4:7

If your thoughts are bad tenants, evict them before they destroy the house.  Kicking them out and keeping them out is a full-time job, especially in the beginning.  Yet as time goes on and you acquire new habits, you will find this whole process gets much easier.

As you read this book I hope you will learn from my mistakes.  I pray you will seek help today and begin immediately to make the necessary changes to find a new life by filling your heart and your mind with the Lord and what He has to offer.

Matthew Henry wrote:

“The joy of the Lord will arm us against the assaults of our spiritual enemies and put our mouths out of taste for those pleasures with which the tempter baits his hooks.”

The best way to avoid the hook is to find our satisfaction and pleasure in Jesus.  Then the hook of lust will have no power to lure us away from the Lord.  Counterfeit joy is no match for the true joy which only the Lord can offer.

When you and I find our joy and satisfaction in the Lord, it will be easy to spot the deceptions sin throws our way.  By faith, Moses refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter.  He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-25). The eyes of faith reveal to me the good and beautiful life which the Lord offers, and they expose the ugliness and fleeting nature of worldly pleasures.

Learn more about finding victory over habitual sin in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

TRAINING FOR GODLINESS

Alabama wide receiver DeVonta Smith set multiple records and was named Offensive Most Valuable Player in this year’s College Football National Championship.

He finished the game with a dislocated finger. Yet the senior needed only two quarters to make history, as he caught 12 passes, a CFP title game record.

When a report asked DeVonta “How would you describe your mindset and how you wanted to attack this defense?”

He replied:  “It just came down to trusting my training. My coaches prepared me this week for this game and I just trusted my training and that put me in a position to do what I did.”

As followers of Jesus you and I need to listen and put into practice what the Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:7, “train yourself for godliness”.

The Lord put us in this world to become, day by day, more like He is.  This will not happen accidentally.  Most of the mistakes I commit in my life come from simply “letting life happen” or doing what comes naturally.  If I want to become the person God wants me to be, I must live intentionally.  And that entails training and practicing doing what is right, until what is good and right becomes automatic and natural.

How can you or I break free from habitual sins like anger or lust or worry?  We have actually trained ourselves to do those things. They have become ingrained into our habits and perhaps even our character.

So if we want a new life, a life worth living, we will have to unlearn those behaviors and train for righteousness and godliness.  Just as the pianist or tennis player goes over and over the same movements time after time in order to do things the right way, we too must practice patience, kindness, self-control and compassion.

I worked diligently over the course of a few years to break the old, compulsive cycle of pornography and to train for purity and self-control.  I made many mistakes along the way.  I did everything I could to learn from those mistakes in order to see temptations coming before they became strong.  Many friends and coaches helped me on my journey.

As I prepared and trained, just like DeVonta, I discovered that all of this time and effort pay off in the game of life.  As Paul and Timothy knew — true godliness is a progressive state requiring ceaseless effort.  But those who are willing to pay the price will one day receive a trophy far more meaningful than any prize this world has to offer.

The next verse, 1 Timothy 4:8 states loud and clear: 

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.”

Learn more about training for victory over habitual sin in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

TRIGGERS AND RECOVERY

How did I let my compulsive addiction to pornography go on for so many years?  Obviously one of the major reasons is that I failed to ask for help.  I was too afraid to confess my sins.  I was ashamed to admit I was not the person I wanted everyone to think I was.  I also remained ensnared in the addictive cycle because I convinced myself I was doing my best to get out, but when the urge hit, it was so strong I found it impossible to resist.  I had to face the truth about that guy in the mirror.

When I began taking the free course on Recovery Nation, I discovered something Jon Marsh wrote.  He said if I were in the middle of looking at porn on my computer and heard someone approaching the room, I would quickly close out that page and navigate to another site.  I had no trouble taking control of a situation under those circumstances.  Why then, when I was all alone and imagined nobody would find out, did I believe it was impossible to resist the urge to go take a peek?

The same thing is true regarding anger.  I had trouble controlling my temper as a child.  I thought that as I grew and matured I was getting better.  But after I got married and had kids, I would explode at our children for their misbehavior or defiance.  I could feel my blood starting to boil and my tongue would take over from there.  When my wife confronted me regarding my behavior, I just made excuses.  “Sure, I don’t want to get mad and shout at our kids.  It’s not like I planned to lash out at them.” She challenged me to plan ahead and think about how I should react in those kinds of situations and work out a strategy of how to handle things better next time.

Another example I think all of us can identify with is when two people are in the middle of a heated argument, and then company arrives.  Most likely they will act as if everything is normal and nothing is wrong.

If I do actually have the capacity to control my actions in these situations, the truth is that I am always in charge.  I am responsible for my actions.  I wasn’t forced to yell at the kids and nobody held a gun to my head and compelled me to search for pornography on the Internet.  I decided to do it.  Today I can choose not to do it.

As a person who believes in the God who created the world and made each one of us, I believe what the Bible says – “with Him all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  I believe nothing is impossible for God (Luke 1:37).  If I’ve been making all sorts of mistakes, who’s to blame?  It’s that guy in the mirror!  I have no one to blame but myself.  If a bird made a nest on top of my head, at a minimum I allowed it to happen.  I could have chased it away.

On Recovery Nation, I also learned about triggers.  Perhaps we could call them hooks; those things that hook or grab your attention.  You see something and it triggers the desire to go look for something more. 

I remember clicking on something I shouldn’t and then in a flash, I was clicking a second and third time. It felt like it all happened so fast that I couldn’t control it.  I once referred to these as “mindless” moments.  These were occasions where once I crossed the line, which could happen within just a matter of seconds, there was nothing to stop me until I had already gone too far. Somehow I just turned off my brain and refused to let reason have a voice.

For the person who is looking for an excuse, a trigger is all it takes to crash and burn.  A trigger comes along and a binge soon follows.  But none of this is written in stone.  It is not inevitable.  I had to learn that in actuality there are no “slips”, only bad choices that I make of my own free will.

Jon Marsh says triggers are internal events, not external. They are perceived events and as such, the emotions associated with the stimulus can be changed.  Jon found he could train himself so that the trigger would set in motion a new kind of response.  Rather than allowing the trigger to set off behavior which goes against my beliefs and values, I can learn to see the trigger and use this event to move towards positive actions and healthy behavior.  The process of rewiring or reprogramming my brain to behave in a different way is what recovery is all about.  This is our challenge and our opportunity.

Thank you, Lord!  There is hope!  Freedom and a new life are possible!

Find out more about victory over habitual sin in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

DESIRES: Servants? Or Masters?

The Bible is God’s book, the book of truth.  The Bible explains how temptations work in James 1:13-15:

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

It is so easy to rationalize, minimize, and justify our actions.  How many times have I done what Adam did when confronted with his sin?  Adam not only tried to pin the blame on Eve, he even implied God was at fault.  How convenient to say: “The devil made me do it.”  Or “I only did it because my wife let me down once again”.  Or to rationalize that all men have this weakness and even when I try to resist, it’s just no use.

The Bible is like a mirror placing us face to face with reality.  The plain and simple truth is: God is not to blame, and my wife is not to blame.  I did it because I wanted to.

Several years ago, I attended a class on sin and temptation where the speaker referred to desire as the “grandfather of death”.  What insight!  Why was I sick and tired of being sick and tired?  I had given in to my desires.

Willard wrote this in the Renovation of the Heart (p.122):

“Feelings are, with a few exceptions, good servants.
 But they are disastrous masters.”

I had placed my feelings and my desires on the throne of my heart.  What cruel masters they are!  I let my feelings rule my life and my life was a wreck as a result.  Desires which are out of control will quickly lead to sin, and the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).

For thirty years I went through my days taking care of my responsibilities.  I kept up with my work with the church.  I raised our kids and helped around the house.  I thought I was a good husband because I never had an affair.  My excuse was, “all I did was look at pictures”.  I gave my wife flowers from time to time.  On the outside, I looked like a Christian and a nice guy.  But my wife says I didn’t smile very much, and our marriage had become more of a business partnership than a loving friendship.  I had been trapped.  My mind had been captured.  I allowed my feelings and desires to drag me away and entice me.  And I was reaping the consequences of my actions.  I wasbeing swallowed up by the quicksand of desire.

The apostle Paul described this devastating problem in 1 Timothy 6:9-10.  Here Paul talks about the longing to be rich, but the same could be said of all of our carnal appetites:

“Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

This is exactly what happened to me regarding lust and porn.  These harmful cravings plunged me into ruin and destruction.  The love of those pictures, of the captivating naked ladies, pierced my soul with many griefs.  I fell into the trap of foolish and harmful desires and reaped a myriad of noxious consequences.

In the book of Genesis, God talks to Cain, after Cain became upset with his brother Abel, but before Cain kills Abel:

“Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:6-7

I think that last part describes what we are up against. Sin is crouching at my door. It desires to have me. I must master it.  A friend of mine often says there is always a fixed amount of time between the thought or desire and the action. We must wage the battle during this window of time.  In the past, when I would give in to my weakness, the amount of time between the thought and the fall would be minimal and I did nothing to stop it.  I felt powerless.

Now, as soon as the desire or thought pops into my head I work to “master the thought”. I move to eliminate it immediately. I know that otherwise, I will end up dominated by it. So I work to act quickly and decisively. This has been one of the primary reasons why this attempt has been successful.  So here I am, fighting to stay clean, just for today, with His help!

What makes a temptation tempting?  I’ve mulled this over in my head over the past twelve years.  Why am I not tempted to smoke a cigarette or to drink a beer?  I see those things and I don’t give them a second thought.  Some people struggle for years to give up these habits.  The difference lies in the desire.  I am only tempted by the things I desire.  I believe we create, or at least we permit our own temptations.

If this is the case, then the key to victory in this battle against sin and temptation is to attack our desires.  It is essential to work at changing or controlling our desires.  Today I can’t tell you I’m no longer tempted in the area of lust, but the degree to which I am tempted has diminished dramatically.  God created us as beings with many capacities.  Change is not easy, as you already know from your own experience.  How many people sign up at a gym in January with a determination to get in shape, but by March have already lost their drive?

The Bible tells us that God always provides a way out when we are tempted to sin:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

Change is possible.  This is not an impossible task.  Sin comes along and offers what looks enticing.  And like a fish looking at the worm in the water, we can’t see the hook that lies underneath.  Through prayer and by focusing on what we know to be true and right, over time we will see the worm and think about the hook and all of the pain it will bring.  By intentionally focusing our thoughts on good things, our desire for what is wrong will diminish and no longer run rampant, dominating our minds.  One of the greatest blessings I’ve gained now that I’ve found this new freedom is to have a clear head, with clean thoughts. My desires are now my servants, not my masters.

Learn more about victory over habitual sin in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn

Betrayal & Holidays, Birthdays & Anniversaries

Special dates like Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. can provoke painful and distressing memories for those suffering from betrayal.

I avoided confessing my addiction to pornography to my wife for the first 30 years of our marriage.  But when I finally recognized that she deserved to know and that I had to bring this out into the light in order to become free, I couldn’t wait to tell her.  What I did not stop to think about was that I was telling her just a few days before our wedding anniversary.  The result was that for the next few years she associated the two events and was not in any sort of mood to celebrate her marriage to me on that day.

I had compartmentalized my sin.  In my mind I still loved my wife with all of my heart.  I was simply dealing with a problem in my life called pornography.  I held onto the belief that I was a good father and a caring husband — I just had this problem in one area of my life. I had erected a wall of lies around this behavior.  This allowed me to lust after women in my mind and yet hold on to the belief that I was one of the “good guys” because I had not reached out to another woman on a physical level.

My wife saw things in a completely different way.  My entanglement with pornography permeated everything, and she saw how my whole life had been contaminated and tainted.  In her mind, our entire 31-year marriage had been one big lie.  I was a fake. I had been living a lie.

Naturally this changed how she viewed our wedding anniversary.  She began to question everything.  What had our marriage meant to me for 31 years?  How many times had I broken our wedding vows by lusting after other women?  How could I have hidden this part of my life from her for decades?  What part of all our life together was true, and what had been a hoax, a mere façade?  If I had lied to her for so long how could she ever believe that I was telling the truth now?

Men and women who have been betrayed may view Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions like this.  They will probably go back in time and reinterpret everything that happened, trying to sort out what is genuine and what wasn’t what it appeared to be at the time.

My betrayal over so many years was a dagger in my wife’s heart.  There were days when she did not even want to look at me, much less allow me to come near her or touch her.  A few times she was so angry, she told me she hated me.  Some nights I slept on the couch. Her wounds were terribly deep.  I learned to be patient and allow her all the time she needed in order to heal.

Obviously the best remedy to this problem is to avoid betrayal.  Never look with longing eyes at anyone other than your spouse.  Make them your one and only.

But for those who have already hurt the one they love the most in this world on special days like Christmas, when the going gets rough, be patient.  Try to understand as best you can.  Show your love in concrete ways.  Do little things you know will please them.  Pray to the Lord for healing.  Ask Him to help them know that He is always near.  And ask Him to help you trust and wait for the day when a love which today seems unattainable will sprout up and grow into a love richer and more beautiful than you can imagine.

All of us face storms and cloudy days. Even those who have never been betrayed have experienced other kinds of hurt and sadness.  In all of these situations we ask the Lord to fill our hearts with peace and with the certainly that one day the sun will peak through the clouds and blue skies will prevail once again.  All who have put their trust in Jesus will one day have their tears wiped away. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will have passed away.

Learn more about living a new life in the book:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn