Exponent II's Blog, page 32

Of Contradictions and Heartbreaks

Ever since I was an investigator, Elder Uchtdorf had always been my favorite speaker at General Conference. His words focused on love, welcoming invitations, and an acceptance of people’s differences. He seemed to be the advocate for the marginalized, the outcast, the lonely, and the broken hearted. I myself had felt welcomed by his talks.

His words paint a picture of a church that, though imperfect, still invites and welcomes all who desire to be there. He has admitted that leaders of the church have hurt people before, and when people choose to leave the fold, it is often much more complicated than we often portray it to be. Describing them as lazy or lacking faith doesn’t quite hit the nail on the head.

Yet, conference after conference, we hear contradictions. It is difficult to believe that Ucktdorf’s words represent the church when the prophet himself, President Nelson, used the words “lazy” and “lax disciples” to describe those who can’t exercise a particle of faith.

It is difficult to follow Ucktdorf’s invitation to “come, join with us,” when President Nelson says you should never take counsel from those who don’t believe exactly what the church teaches from over the pulpit.

Meanwhile, Elder Oaks is calling for more disciplinary counsels to take place in wards around the world. His words during April’s 2025 conference suggested that those who leave do so because of their own failings to keep up with scripture reading, prayer, and repentance. While they may say that the church isn’t meeting their needs, he says, they are simply lacking humility and trust in what the Lord has provided. While Uchtdorf can acknowledge that the church has hurt people before, and that those people have legitimate concerns, Elder Oaks seems to lack the humility to do so.

President Nelson has said, “Anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one. Contention never leads to inspired solutions.” Yet, that is most of what I heard at April’s General Conference, mingled with the occasional inspirational message of love and acceptance. This mixture created a perplexing concoction, one that has left me utterly confused.

Sister Runia’s suggestion that “God forgives without shaming us, comparing us to anyone else, or scolding us” is in stark contrast to Elder Oaks’ talk, where he compares those prepared to meet God to those who are not prepared. He shames the youth and returned missionaries who don’t keep up with activities or who experience periods of inactivity. He shames adults who have chosen to depart from the church, describing all of the above as examples of people who are not prepared to meet God, suggesting that “we all know” these kinds of people.

Elder Uchtdorf’s declaration that our love for one another is how we show our discipleship, more than our covenants or priesthood power, was in opposition to Elder McCune’s admonition that true disciples make and keep covenants. He said these true disciples are connected to God and Jesus with a “special relationship and can experience their love and joy in a measure reserved for those who have made and kept covenants.” As if covenant keeping Latter-day Saints are closer to God and more blessed than anyone else in the world.

“Our ability to sense a full measure of God’s love,” Elder McCune continued, “or to continue in his love, is contingent upon our righteous desires and actions.” This feels at odds with Sister Runia’s words that our worth is never tied to our obedience. To continue in God’s love shouldn’t be contingent upon anything.

Elder Kearon’s emphasis on us – all of us – being beloved children of God; that God has omniscient love for us and has planned our every tomorrow, feels odd next to Elder Rasband’s slander toward “naysayers” of the church, suggesting that they are but “mere footnotes” in the church’s work. I guess we don’t always treat fellow children of God as if they really are children of God.

Elder Renlund said, “If we are wise, we receive the truth by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ through priesthood ordinances and covenants.” I suppose those whose beliefs differ are not wise? He says this is important to prepare for the second coming. Meanwhile, President Nelson says charity and virtue are what is necessary to feel confidence before God. Certainly anyone who is charitable can feel confident before God, then, regardless of their beliefs. So why must we receive the “truth” of the gospel in order to prepare to meet God at the second coming?

The contradictions go on and on.

It feels like there are two different churches; the kind that Uchtdorf professes, and the kind that Oaks represents.

The church I joined was that of Uchtdorf’s. If I had heard these messages from the likes of Oaks, and the consistent slander from over the pulpit, it is likely that I would not be here, writing this right now. Because that is not a church I would have joined.

Now I’m left wondering: what kind of church did I join, exactly? One of love, acceptance, freedom, open arms, and expansiveness? Or one of shame, conformity, rejection, fear, and arrogance?

The church is likely a mixture of both. Unfortunately, you cannot guarantee that a bishop or relief society president or an apostle will be the former. It seems far more likely, based on my anecdotal experience and that of others, that they will embody the latter.

Yet here I am, unable to let go of the hope that I felt as an investigator, but overwhelmed and discouraged by the disappointment I feel as a member.

Only one thought stood out to me this General Conference: I don’t know what this church stands for. The mixed messaging is more than just confusing; it is unbearable to watch. I can’t help but think of the bible quote, “This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.”

What made this conference even more heartbreaking was Ucktdorf’s talk. Blogger Lavender so perfectly put my thoughts into words.

One of the few advocates who seemed to welcome me and so many others on the fringes, seems to have drawn a line in the sand of who exactly he thinks is welcome in this church. Long story short: it’s not someone like me.

His words, though not surprising to hear at conference, was surprising to hear from him.  Perhaps that was the biggest contradiction of all; Ucktdorf contradicting himself.

The hope I had felt as an investigator and as an early convert is nothing but faint smoke; the outcome of a flame that has lost its burning essence.

Perhaps Ucktdorf didn’t mean it. Maybe he didn’t realize the many “ifs” that he added to his talk. At the very least, he appears to be humble enough to acknowledge that maybe his words hurt some members, just like he admitted that other leaders have. Besides, there were a few redeeming talks by the likes of Kearon and Runia.

But is that enough? Will that be enough to make the church what I once thought it was?

Or was everything I knew a facade? The milk before meat, as some would say; the pretty words and loving gestures that cause us to join, only to be replaced with messages of shame, conformity, and submission to authority?

The latter is not the church that I joined. If the church isn’t what I thought it was, and if I am no longer welcome, I guess the only realistic option is to leave.

Or, we can stay and wait for the “ideal,” as Ucktdorf puts it.

How long, Elder Uchtdorf, should we be expected to wait?

How much ecclesiastical abuse, gender inequality, and silencing must we tolerate?

How much of ourselves – our very conscience – should we be expected to stuff down, ignore, and repress?

Elder Ucktdorf, how can we possibly stay when we are disinvited from church, disfellowshipped for speaking our own thoughts, or even excommunicated from our own communities?

We proudly display “Visitors Welcome” in front of our ward buildings, as if everyone is welcome in our church. There should be an asterisk beneath that says, “You are welcome to stay only if you eventually convert and believe everything that we teach. If you don’t, or if you share beliefs that we don’t care for, you’ll be asked to leave.”

This isn’t about waiting for an ideal; this is about realizing that the ideal will never be possible as long as the likes of Oaks is in charge. It will never change with leaders who refuse to acknowledge the institutional flaws that exist. It will never change as long as the leaders remain ignorant to what our true grievances are.

So, do we leave, or stay and advocate for some future ideal? Either way, all I’m left with are contradictions and heartbreaks.

Both do little to feed the soul.

Our Bloggers Recommend: Multiple bloggers on recent popular podcasts!

We love having our bloggers share their interesting perspectives and knowledge in other ways, such as recent podcasts At Last She Said It and Mormon Stories. Check out:

Linda Hamilton on At Last She Said It: Embracing Your Journey

Kaylee on At Last She Said It: The Spiritual Nature of All Things

Abby Maxwell Hansen and Katie Ludlow Rich on Mormon Stories Podcast: Why Mormon Women are Leaving the Church

April Young-Bennett, Nancy Ross, Katie Ludlow Rich and Abby Maxwell Hansen on Mormon Stories Podcast: Mormon Church Changes Garments for Women again, ep 2010.

 

Interpreting Dreams about Spiritual Transition and Growth

Awakening to the Significance of my Dreams

Recently, I had a vivid dream:

I’m on the top floor of a beautiful, tall house with lots of natural lighting doing self-care like journaling and yoga. I pull out a dish in the kitchen and notice a tiny fish swimming in it. I look away, and when I look again, the fish has grown rapidly and is now lying flat without water. I’m surprised and bewildered. What am I going to do with this fish? I don’t want anyone else to see it, but I want to keep it alive. I go out to the balcony and look for a pond. I see grass and puddles below. Maybe I should place the fish in a puddle, but this might not be enough water. 

The phone rings. It is a relative and their ministering companion from church. They want me to share what’s going on in my life. Their intention seems to be to restore me to old, inherited worldviews. I don’t want to tell them anything. I look at the clock and realize I’m late for work and say I have to leave.

I might have forgotten all about this dream were it not for my sister telling me about Jungian analyst James Hollis’s argument that dreams play an important role in mid-life spiritual transition. She shared examples of dreams discussed in his books in which beautiful experiences and efforts to tend to important things are disrupted by someone else’s demands that reminded me of my own dream.

I got curious about how paying more attention to my dreams might help me in my spiritual life. James Hollis writes:

“Several times each night, whether or not we pay attention, the psyche creates a dramatic, narrative reaction to what is happening in our lives and how it is viewed from a perspective larger than that of the ego. If we track these dramatized narratives over time and learn their language, we gain a vital source of wisdom not available to ordinary consciousness” (Living Between Worlds 25-26).

Hollis refers to the source of dream content as the “Self,” the soul, the unconscious, or the psyche. He suggests we can treat dream messages as coming from the natural world we are part of, the result of millions of years of evolution. What comes to the surface through dreams can show us what is awry in our lives. It can help us discern how to move forward during transition or crisis.

Based on decades of experience as a therapist, Hollis argues that dreams are especially valuable to pay attention to in the “second half” of life. During this time, many people go through periods of intense internal discomfort, experiencing strong desires for change and new paths that can be hard to know what to do with. This might hit you in your forties or any decade past then. 

Looking at our dreams can help us understand and process these experiences. It can help us recover from harmful, soul-confining conditioning we received growing up, including from the Church. As Hollis explains, when we are disconnected from “the Self,” or our deeper wisdom and desires, “we serve our complexes, wounds, and received cultural and familial messages instead of serving the intent of our soul.” He explains that “working with our dreams allows all of us to look within, to see the center of gravity shift from our many adaptations to the outer world to begin to trust that something within each of us knows what is right for us. Learning to trust that sorting process, to value that dialogue, and to risk relying on an internalized sense of authority is what restores our journey to us, bringing us back to our own souls” (Living Between Worlds pg. 26).

Tips for Remembering and Interpreting Dreams

I’m starting to use my dreams to help me in my spiritual sorting and growth process. I want to connect more with my internal sense of authority, learn to trust it more, and let it guide my life more.

After reading Hollis’s Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life and Living Between Worlds and some other resources about dreams, I’ve come to the conclusion that because dreams are so personal, there is no guidebook out there that can tell you what they mean. The meaning-making is work only you can do. New age religions might claim to have cracked the code on dream interpretation, but I’m leery of their confidence. Dream dictionaries can be helpful, but should be taken with a grain of salt because we internalize symbols and archetypes in unique ways. 

Here are a few principles some people use to remember and make sense of dreams I’ve personally found useful:

Dreams are usually about you and your internal life– your unconscious thoughts, spiritual desires, unacknowledged emotions, etc. People and things in the dream often symbolize aspects of you, the dreamer.Fostering an intention to remember your dreams can help you recall them, and writing them down in detail or recording your voice shortly after can be invaluable for interpreting them later.Dreams are often symbolic, whether through animals, colors, numbers, places/ spaces, or people from your life that may represent something else. Interpretation of the symbolism is up to you.Dreams have a restorative, healing function. As Hollis says, “nature does not waste energy” (Living Between Worlds pg. 25). Even if you’re not paying attention to them, dreams are likely benefitting your emotional and spiritual well-being (or at least that is their purpose), much like sleep restores the body.Dreams can help us see issues that are difficult to acknowledge in our waking lives. As Carl Jung theorized, they can provide insights about our spiritual journeys and how to move forward.When women meet male guides or other male figures in dreams, these can be understood as animus figures, or representations of a woman’s masculine side/traits. The animus is associated with exploration, assertiveness, intellectual pursuits, and activities women may not have had space or resources in their lives to reach their potential for. In men’s dreams, the anima (female guides or figures) can represent the unconscious female side. Anima symbolism is usually focused on emotional connection, sensitivity, empathy, and other qualities men may not have tended sufficiently to. This anima/ animus dream framework comes from Jung.Questions Dreams Might Help Us Address

In addition to these tips, here are a few questions for cultivating meaning and fulfillment in mid-life or the second half of life that dreams can help us grapple with and find clarity concerning. These come from James Hollis’s book Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life:

Where are you blocked by fear, stuck, rigid, or resistant to change?Where do you avoid conflict, especially conflicts concerning values, and therefore avoid living in fidelity with who you are?What ideas, habits, behavioral patterns are holding you back from taking a larger journey of the soul?Where do you avoid conflict, the necessary conflict of value, and therefore avoid living in fidelity with who you are?Where were your parents emotionally stuck, and how is this “stuckness” showing up in your life?What are you doing with the gifts life has given you that your soul longs to use and develop?Where are you still looking for permission to live your life?Where/ how do you need to grow up?What have you aways felt called toward, but feared to do?Dream Interpretation Examples from my life

Interpreting my Growing Fish/ Disruptive Phone Call Dream

This dream is about my spiritual growth and how others’ expectations are serving as an obstacle to it. The fact I’m up high up in a beautiful, sunny space doing self care suggests I have “ascended” to a greater level of spiritual awareness than I had in the past. The fish is another symbol of my spiritual growth, specifically how I’ve grown by expanding beyond old frameworks. This includes ways I have differentiated from others at Church and their expectations for me. In real life, I’ve been surprised by this growth and how rapidly I’ve outgrown beliefs I never thought would change for me. The dream suggests I feel unsafe letting others see or know about this growth and that I have some ambivalence about how my spirituality has changed. The fact I don’t have a proper place to maintain the fish or rather my growth and even kind of want to just get rid of it is a problem in my life. My newly expanded spirituality won’t thrive in a puddle. The dream encourages me to keep learning, expanding and taking risks in my spiritual life, and to not be ashamed of how I am changing. Water is often a symbol of the spiritual or mysterious side of life in dreams. I metaphorically need to build my fish a pond by deliberately strengthening the differentiated dimensions of my spiritual life, and the areas in which I am actually growing, however unexpected these may be.

Then there is a disruptive phone call that comes while I’m still trying to figure out what is best to do with the fish. The fact I don’t share anything suggests I might be more private about what is really going on for me spiritually than I’ve acknowledged even to myself. Being fearful of what others in the Church think could thwart my growth. The dream suggests I need to stop engaging such fears and “get to work” expanding and tending to my spirituality. Being late to work might represent a sense of how I’m behind where I’d like to be.

Animus-focused Dreams

I have dreams that seem to involve my animus, or the “male” side of me that is trying to grow, develop, and serve a more empowering role in my life. Like many women, I grew up conditioned to be pretty passive, submissive, and quiet about my thoughts and feelings. I spent a lot of time feeling controlled by others. Now I’m in a stage of life when my unconscious seems to be screaming it’s time to break out of this and become more assertive, autonomous, and more of a leader. Here are two examples of recent animus dreams:

Old Crush/ Healed Baby Boy/ RhoGAM Shot Dream

I’m in a church building. I run into the mom of a guy I had a crush on in high school. She tells me that Cameron and his wife are sitting in the chapel and that I should go say hi to him and catch up. I think to myself, yeah that could be okay, but he’s probably old and out of shape now and I’m not sure if Cameron would care to see me anyway. I enter the chapel. Cameron and his wife are looking good! They haven’t aged much and are dressed up nice. I walk right by them to the front of the chapel and then to the bathroom. I realize a medical service center is located just off the bathroom. A nurse asks me what I need and I tell her the name of a certain treatment. She shows me a newborn baby boy. His life was in danger but he has been receiving a treatment. At first it looks like his legs are deformed and almost non-existent, but suddenly, I see he has grown normal, healthy, kicking legs. He is making a full recovery. She says it’s time for my treatment. I tell her I think I need a RhoGAM shot.

I used to wonder why this particular old crush showed up in my dreams after so many years (always with me struggling to connect with him). I think it is because his personality and interests reminded me of my own growing up and my unconscious picked up on the idea of treating him as a projection of the masculine of me. The fact my crush hasn’t really aged in the dream seems to indicate my masculine side has vitality. (His wife being present could represent feminine strengths I’m working on). The fact I don’t connect with him suggests I’m still avoiding breaking out of old habits of passivity and avoidance. The baby in the medical center could also represent my animus. Starting at a very young age, my more assertive and adventurous side was threatened by others’ dominance over me and and I developed various maladaptive coping mechanisms to live with this. But I’m experiencing growth and improvements in my waking life to correct this as symbolized by the treatments the baby and I receive in the dream. The RhoGAM is an uncanny symbol. I received a RhoGAM shot 14 years ago in order to safely carry my son during pregnancy, so the shot represents something that literally allows me to carry and develop maleness inside of me. The shot seems to represents a process I am seeking to go through to heal emotionally from past suppression and to become a more balanced and whole person. This “treatment” in waking like likely has to do with my growing emotional and spiritual autonomy, and detaching from wanting or needing others’ approval, making decisions for myself, and not letting fears stop me from doing things I want to pursue.

Roasting a Goose Dream

My husband has given me an unusually large, dead goose to roast. I pluck its white feathers off. I am ambivalent about this task. I think preparing the goose will take so long it will go bad before it gets cooked. I remember I don’t even like gamey meat so I don’t know why I’m going along with this.

Suddenly, in place of the goose in the (large) roasting pan, it is one of my brothers-in-law! A very vocal, assertive, adventurous man about my age. Instead of plucking feathers, I am now absurdly plucking off his facial hair and preparing him to be roasted in the oven. He has purchased some kind of “roast yourself as a goose” kit that we’re using, and he is enthusiastically on board with this project. The kit comes with a metal latch that attaches to both sides of his mouth and seals it. He seems to think doing all of this means having a good meal himself rather than becoming food for others. 

Geese “flock together” and can be symbols of community and connection. I’m interpreting the goose as a symbol of patriarchal roles and relationships because roasting the goose is a project assigned to me by my dream husband as if he’s presiding over me like a boss. The brother-in-law can be seen as a symbol of the masculine part of myself, or my needs to become more assertive, spontaneous, and self-determining. Relationships, including those with male Church leaders and male relatives, are meant to be sustaining and life-bringing (like food), but when they are set up such that others call the shots for me, there isn’t much of anything in it for me. The goose transforming into my bro-in-law, a representation of my own masculine side, takes this point further: when men boss me around and consume my time and talents, I become food for others. My strengths are wasted and exploited, leaving me depleted and conned, or a “silly goose” (a phrase used frequently during my childhood).

At times I have tried to act happy about the workings of patriarchy, like the bro-in-law I’m roasting in the dream. I have even “bought” into the idea its best for me to let myself be subordinate to others (like how the person being roasted buys the kit himself). Absurdly, I have tried to believe I still get to eat the feast despite the reality that I feel used up and malnourished by the patriarchal systems I’ve been part of. 

We can see in the dream that these problems are enabled and worsened by the silence and passivity encouraged in patriarchy represented by the latch sealing my bro-in-law’s mouth closed. The dream invites me to speak up and resist. It also suggests that by going along with patriarchy, I have been emasculating myself, or stripping myself of my more assertive and bolder qualities in how I remove my bro-in-law’s beard. It reveals a truth I suppressed for many years: relationships with men in which I’m not respected as a true equal are simply not at all enticing to me. Such things are like a disgusting, oversized, dead goose that I shouldn’t be cooking for others anymore. The dream pleads with me to stop going along with such dynamics.

One Last Dream about Paths of Spiritual Differentiation

A Resort Dream

My family has gone on vacation to a lush tropical place and we’re staying in a nice resort. The interior is beautiful and we’re enjoying being there. I want to send some photos to extended family and friends, so I take some of my immediate family sitting in some of the spaces. But when I look at the photos, all the decor, plants and furnishings at the resort won’t show up. All I see is a black background, and my family gathered together on our couch at home in the center.

The fact my resort photos show up as an image of us connecting at home as if during a family home evening discussion seems to signal that the dream is really about my approach to teaching my kids about spirituality at home. My family being at the resort seems symbolic of the rest and beauty I’ve found through changing my approach with my kids. In recent years, I’ve switched to greater openness, flexibility, and respect for exploration and agency. I love the conversations I’m having with my kids. I love how I feel closer to them now than I did when I was anxious about them getting on board with Church.

The dream acknowledges that those outside my immediate family whom I might want to understand my experience might not be able to really see or appreciate it. This is why the resort won’t show up in photos I want to share with others; it’s just a mundane image with a black background. But this doesn’t ultimately matter very much or invalidate my experience, the goodness of which I’ve experienced for myself. To me, this dream suggests the need to recognize and accept that some other people won’t be able to give me validation or approval with how I’m raising my kids, or share my joy. The dream left me feeling encouraged to trust my own discernment and experience.

For another dream about spiritual transition from me, see “A Whale Dream,” a mini essay I published in ALSSI’s Say More.

I hope this post will encourage and help some readers to seek to notice, remember, and interpret their dreams and discover interesting insights about your spiritual growth and journeys! I’d love to hear about others’ impactful dreams or dream interpretations tips.

The Conversations I Wish I Could Have in Relief Society

It’s rare to find a book that invites you in as a fellow traveler. At Last She Said It: Honest Conversations about Faith, Church, and Everything in Between (Signature Books, 2025) by Susan Hinckley and Cynthia Winward does just that, offering readers a window into the heartfelt conversations of two women navigating the complexities of faith, church, and personal growth.

As someone who is deeply engaged in Exponent II history, I felt immediately at home in this book’s pages. It aligns perfectly with the mission of our community—centering thoughtful personal experience over polished expertise.

That should come as no surprise, as the most recent issue of Exponent II magazine was a collaboration with At Last She Said It. Exponent II participants have been guests on the podcast, including this recent conversation with blogger Linda Hamilton’s journey and this one about the spiritual nature of all things with blogger Kaylee. ALSSI listeners will find the style of the book familiar, but the essays invite listeners and readers to engage more deeply.
Susan and Cynthia don’t just ask difficult questions—they seem to ask the right ones to spark honest reflection. Their goal is simple yet profound: to challenge readers to think about familiar topics in new ways, even when that stretching feels uncomfortable. As they put it, “We call it ‘holy discomfort.’”

The questions they tackle aren’t new—a “feminist awakening” is a rite of passage for generations of Mormon women—but they are still vitally important. Can church leaders recognize that the Church is a patriarchy? What does nuanced church membership look like in practice? How do we reconcile the complexities of our spiritual journeys with the experiences and challenges of being women in the LDS faith? These are questions we’ve all likely asked ourselves, and yet, they remain difficult to answer in a way that respects our individuality and the diversity of perspectives along the spectrum of faith.

One of the more poignant reflections comes from the recognition that, historically, women in the Church have not had the institutional power to implement change for their own betterment. As the authors note, every positive change for women has been because a man decided to make it happen. This stark reality serves as an invitation for men in leadership to not only recognize the inequalities women face but to actively work toward changing them.

The book offers a blend of personal essays and candid conversation. Along with quotes from male and female church leaders, it is peppered with quotes from thinkers and writers who, like Beth Allison Barr, Rachel Held Evans, and Richard Rohr, offer new perspectives that challenge and inspire.

Perhaps most importantly, this book models the kinds of discussions we often wish to have but don’t always have the space for. It felt like a mix of the conversations I longed for in Relief Society and the conversations I actually do have on girls’ trips.

At Last She Said It, which comes out in May, is more than just a book; it’s a conversation, a challenge, and an invitation to explore what it means to be a woman of faith in a complex and changing world. If you’ve ever asked yourself questions like, “What is faith?” “What is repentance?” or “How do I reconcile my own experiences with church teachings?”—this book is for you.

*Disclosure: I received an advanced digital copy from Signature Books in exchange for an honest review.

Did Elder Uchtdorf’s Talk Include Me When He Said, “We Are One”?

As I listened to Elder Uchtdorf’s April 2025 General Conference talk, I was moved by his message of love—and the way he described how that love comes alive inside the rooms and hallways of an LDS church building. I’ve witnessed this love throughout my life. However, I felt like Uchtdorf spoke directly to me when he asked, “What should we do when the church feels like we don’t fit in?” I felt like I was included in this pronoun: we. He said, “You are not alone” and “we are one.” He said that all of the mistakes in the Book of Mormon are the “mistakes of men” and that God does not exclude. Those are men’s mistakes, he said. He talked about the power, not of the priesthood or covenants, but of gathering and kindness.

He talked about a choir of individuals, singing different parts and becoming one voice. He talked about the body of Christ, each part incredibly unique but moving as one. He talked about these things as if the lessons I taught and the conversations I had and the tears I shed for this church mattered. Dear, wonderful Uchtdorf spoke my language, telling me that I belong in this church. I was blessed into this church with a father’s blessing and baptized into it and tied into it with covenants and daily rituals– Uchtdorf made me believe for a moment that the church needed me and who I was. That all those times I’d been told to leave, told to be ashamed and quiet, told that I don’t belong were just evidence of my differences, not evidence that I didn’t belong . . . and then he said if. 

“If you obey . . .” he said, and “if you love God” as defined by the mistakes of men, and if you love this church the way it is and never want it to change, “then you belong here.”

And this broke my heart all over again. I don’t belong among the people and culture and covenants and stories that raised me. Sweet Uchtdorf, just like my Stake President and dear Relief Society sisters and bishop and friends, kindly told me that you don’t belong here. And I know I don’t, I know it’s unfair of me to ask them to change everything so their “one heart and one mind” includes me. I know that I am the cancer in the body of Christ, and maybe we are one, but nobody wants me here because I want to change the definition of God, I want to rewrite the scriptures, I want to face a different direction and sing a different song and not obey.

I have basal cell carcinoma on my face that’s spreading across my cheek, and I am having it cut out on Tuesday. This type of cancer is common and usually harmless, but it doesn’t belong in my body. While I will forever have a scar reminding me where it once lived, it’s best for these skin cells to leave my body. And I can’t help but understand that the church cuts me out because I want the church as it exists right now to change and die. 

LDS doctrine clearly states who and what I need to be to belong, and I am just not that. I don’t believe in a father god, I don’t believe that Joseph Smith received more revelation than Emma, I don’t believe that the spirit is a he, I don’t believe that the Book of Mormon is more true than Sue Monk Kidd’s Dance of the Dissident Daughter, I don’t believe in priesthood power, I don’t believe that prophets know more than other humans or that covenants are more important than principles . . . 

But I do believe in love– Uchtdorf and I are one in that. I believe in gathering and serving and studying texts. I believe in the power of rituals and miracles. I believe in listening to stories and believing other people’s experiences. I believe in healing and activism and this earth. I believe in kindness and friendship and change. I believe in so many things, just not the right ones to belong in this church.

I know I am not a “perfect fit for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,” but I still wish I were. And this will always be a scar I carry.

To add to my friend ElleK’s beautiful post of what she wishes had been said at the 2025 General Conference, I wish Elder Uchtdorf would have said, If you can see the divine in your neighbor, if you can listen to people who believe differently than you, then you belong here. I wish he would have just said, Your love is enough.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

“Radical Kindness” Launch Party with Exponent II — this Thursday!

Join Exponent II and dozens of readers and contributors for our online launch party for the Spring 2025 issue of Exponent II magazine on Thursday, April 10th at 6 p.m. MT / 8 p.m. ET.

Register for the Zoom link here.

The deadline to subscribe to receive this issue with your subscription is April 30, 2025 — subscriptions starting at $20/year!

In this issue we asked contributors to tell us their stories of “radical kindness.” This issue delves beyond simplistic takes and showcases different lived experiences, putting them side-by-side in conversation.

Alongside an array of theology, prayers, poignant poems, artwork, and interviews with immigrant artists, “Tiny Kindnesses” are peppered throughout the issue. We curated these tiny stories in the spirit of Rachel Hunt’s work (@tinykindnesses) of recognizing, naming, witnessing, and documenting the many kindnesses that happen — even in the thick of stress and chaos. No intentional kindness is ever small.

Join us for a sneak peek of this outstanding issue and to honor all of our amazing contributors, including:

Oliver BlackRachel HuntAimee Evans HickmanEmily Fisher GrayAlixa BrobbeyEmily UpdegraffFleur Van WoerkomSandrakay DavisColleen SolomonNicole Sue TaylorCherie PedersenTrina CaudleHinckley A. Jones-SanpeiClaire BreedloveSandra HaertlingCindy BaldwinJenna RakuitaMelodie Jackson

And our artists:

Loralee J. NicolayM. Alice AbramsArleene Correa ValenciaRocio CisnerosAlejandra RamosCrystal Gonzalez CallisonAlex E. Reed ArtJessica JessopLili BriemAbbie CalhounAnne Mecham GregersonLovetta Reyes-CairoElizabeth Bishop WheatleyAlison Hill SpencerAnita Eralie SchleyCamille Wheatley

Our Bloggers Recommend: Heavenly Mother’s Role at Church

By Common Consent published a backlist discussion about Heavenly Mother. I found this conversation fascinating because my thoughts and feelings about her have changed so much over the last decade or two. Some of it is probably a “stages of life” thing, but reading this discussion is also getting me to consider how changes (or lack of changes) in the church also influence my perceptions.

Retreat Friday Nights

Consider attending this year’s Exponent II Retreat on September 19-21, 2025, at the Barbara C. Harris Center in Greenfield, New Hampshire! Registrations opens May 3. Learn more here.

This is an essay by the late Carrel Hilton Sheldon, an Exponent II Founding Mother who led the Friday night introductions at the Exponent II Retreat for many years.

In the Spring 2024 issue, Exponent II historian Heather Sundahl wrote, “For me, the retreat succeeds because of principles laid out during Friday night introductions, as conceived by Carrel Sheldon, where each attendee gets roughly a minute to share something significant from their past year. But what happens before the individual sharing not only sets the stage for open hearts, it creates a tone for the weekend that allows a group of disparate women to bypass many of the hurdles that prevent cohesion.”

Carrel Hilton Sheldon leading the Friday night introductions at the Exponent II RetreatRetreat Friday Nights, by Carrel Hilton Sheldon

I am a true believer in open, honest sharing as a way to greater self-awareness, intimacy, connection, and insight. So I love having the marvelous opportunity every year at the Exponent retreat to run the opening ceremony of introductions on Friday night. The connection that we experience rarely happens in a group—but it always happens on Retreat Friday Night.

I can’t give you an experience of our Retreat Friday Night—you have to be there. An energy exists in the room that doesn’t translate to a flat, printed page. Seventy women gather round a fire and each share something significant and real that happened to her in the past year—not just “reporting” on it, but letting us know what it meant to her, how it changed her, how she felt (and now feels) about it, how she has or hasn’t resolved it. The range of shared experience includes joy, depression, confusion, insight, suffering, gratitude, spiritual highs and lows. Loved ones have died or left, dreams have been realized, children have gone astray, testimonies have been strengthened or perhaps lost.

The sharing unfolds differently each year. Sometimes one idea is repeated more than others, and a theme unfolds. After the retreat, we sometimes say, “This was a sweet year” or “There sure is a lot of suffering this year” or “The frustration level is high.”

The greatest contribution to the evening comes from the individual efforts of every woman in the room. It takes courage to stand before strangers and reveal things they may not have spoken about before. It takes commitment to push through people’s automatic judgments of others, their nonacceptance, their opinions of what they should or shouldn’t say or do. It’s so easy for individuals to think they have the answers for others. One person’s self-expression can inspire, delight, enlighten, or offend different listeners at the same time.

What I provide the group before we start sharing on Friday night is a common understanding of some principles and practice that fosters acceptance, trust, and individual responsibility, which alters our experience that night and over the course of the weekend. In general, we’re more aware of ourselves and others—we’re a little deeper, a little truer, more understanding, more self-expressive.

I begin by asking that each woman look at her own expectations of the weekend: first, the unmet—and unmeetable—kind, where you feel disappointed. Some women come wanting to see someone who isn’t there—or even come hoping that someone who is here wouldn’t be here! Or maybe some people expected warmer weather—or flush toilets. Once we bring these unmeetable expectations to awareness, we can let them go. Women also come with hopes for social and spiritual enrichment, communion with nature, and good conversation. People believe that someone or something may take care of those kinds of expectations for them. Sometimes that happens, often not. To deal with these kinds of expectations, I ask retreat participants to examine what they’d like to get from the retreat to see which of those things we are willing and able to be responsible for. In choosing to be responsible for making something happen, they can transform those hopeful expectations into intentions.

The second thing I have us examine is the possibility of Trust as a Gift. In a setting like a retreat, trust isn’t something each of us has a chance of earning. However, trust can be a gift we individually give to the group. We overcome our fears, concerns, excuses, and “push through” to being willing to trust. We do it by choice. Trust allows us to be more open and expressive of who we really are. Trusting the group is both a gift to the group and a gift to the self. I ask that each participant give that gift to whatever level she is able. The other side of the gift of trust is being a worthy recipient of that trust. That means being responsible with what we hear. It means listening with the desire to understand another’s experience or point of view and not letting our judgments get in the way.
The third thing I talk about is acceptance—each woman’s acceptance of herself and others. No one has to prove herself at an Exponent retreat. There is no competition. No one has to impress us. Each person is fine just the way she is. Failure to accept another, for whatever reason—too fat, too thin, too happy, too angry, the wrong marital status, too old, too young, too many children, not enough, too liberal, too conservative—we all have plenty of reasons—cuts off the ability to really hear that person. A person’s ability to speak and her ability to listen are transformed by acceptance.

With these three principles, a couple of simple ground rules, and a specific question to address, I take the first turn to share, and we proceed around the room—woman after woman, sharing a bit of herself. And there we are, having another great Retreat Friday Night.

Sign up for the Exponent II monthly newsletter to stay updated with announcements and retreat registration information. As this blog series develops, read more blog posts about the Exponent II retreat.

The General Conference Abortion Talk I Actually Want to Hear

In his General Conference talk on Saturday, Elder Neil Andersen spoke about abortion, touching on the preciousness of unborn life, discouraging people from choosing or supporting abortions except in certain circumstances, and the need to support and love single women and teens who face unexpected pregnancies. The climax of his talk was a story about a man who had an affair. [1] “A single woman became pregnant,” he tells us, as though this is a thing that just happens to single women out of nowhere.

Here is what he should have said: “The man, through his recklessness and irresponsibility, caused a pregnancy.”

Men cause 100% of unplanned pregnancies [2], yet in the church’s narrative, which echoes the broader pro-life narrative, it is women who “become pregnant” seemingly on their own, women who are expected to carry unwanted pregnancies regardless of the personal toll or the lack of societal supports, women who must sacrifice themselves on the altar of “life at all costs,” whether that means carrying a man’s child or volunteering to raise their husband’s child from an affair. We are expected to be selfless saints, giving up whatever it takes (no price too high!) to avoid abortions.

If Elder Andersen actually wants to reduce abortions, he needs to put men back in the narrative. He needs to stop treating unplanned pregnancies as some foregone conclusion that must be preserved at all costs–specifically, at the cost of women. The men who cause these pregnancies bear little to no consequence, whether socially, physically, or financially. Andersen and the men he quotes in his talk decry abortions “for personal or social convenience” as though wanting to avoid months of constant puking and weeks of unpaid leave at work–things many women literally cannot afford–is a “personal convenience” on par with ordering takeout instead of cooking a meal from scratch. Abortion cannot happen if there is no pregnancy, and unplanned pregnancies happen when men don’t take responsibility for their sperm. Educating boys and men about their responsibility in pregnancy, instead of framing unplanned pregnancy as merely a “women’s issue,” is essential to reducing the number of elective abortions. Contrary to Elder Andersen’s phrasing, single women do not just “become pregnant.” Men impregnate them.

I would love to see Elder Andersen and the rest of the men who lead our church take their opposition to abortion so seriously that they prevent abortions by eliminating the need for them in the first place. If men do not have unprotected sex, there are no unintended pregnancies. If there are no unintended pregnancies, there are no elective abortions. Imagine Elder Andersen saying, “Men, you having unprotected sex with women who don’t want to be pregnant causes abortions. If you cherish life, as God does, you will not put women in a position where they will ever need to even consider abortion. If you keep the law of chastity and respect your wife’s desires around when to have children, you will be instrumental in ending elective abortions.”

He could acknowledge that sometimes we fall short and break the law of chastity, but that even in those circumstances, there is never an excuse for a man risking the life and health and well-being of his sexual partner by not taking responsibility for his own sperm. He could say, “Men and young men, greater than the sin of having sex outside of marriage is the sin of endangering the health and life of your partner by causing an unintended pregnancy, which will have huge physical, emotional, and financial consequences for your partner and could lead to an abortion. If you break the law of chastity, do not compound the sin by being reckless with unprotected sex.”

Elder Andersen did show compassion for women dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, saying, “When a single woman discovers that she is expecting an unanticipated child, health concerns, spiritual turmoil, embarrassment, financial worries, educational questions, marriage uncertainty, and the sadness of shattered dreams can, in a moment of pain and bewilderment, lead a thoughtful woman to take steps that will bring deep pain and regret.” Sidestepping the fact that married women have abortions and complicated feelings around unplanned pregnancies too, let’s talk about regret. While some women deeply regret having an abortion, the overwhelming majority do not. In one study, five years after their abortions, 95% of participants said that it was the right decision. [3] Most women do not experience the “deep pain and regret” Elder Andersen mentions; instead, their primary feeling is relief. If the majority of women who have abortions don’t feel regret, it seems unlikely that abortion rates will decrease by simply stigmatizing the procedure.

Elder Andersen states, “The diminishing love for unborn children worldwide is a grave concern,” but is it really a lack of love for the unborn that drives women to choose abortion? The research says no. The three most common reasons from one study for why women had abortions are: “having a child would interfere with a woman’s education, work or ability to care for dependents (74%); that she could not afford a baby now (73%); and that she did not want to be a single mother or was having relationship problems (48%).” [4] Lack of love for unborn children doesn’t make the list, just overwhelming practical concerns about the realities of adding a baby to their already complex circumstances.

Elder Andersen could encourage advocating for social and legislative changes that address the reasons women seek abortions in the first place. He could say something like: “Brethren, in addition to reducing abortions by personally taking steps to eliminate unplanned pregnancies, we can further reduce the demand for abortions by advocating for measures proven to reduce teen pregnancy, like comprehensive sex education and free, accessible contraception. We can champion legislation that will reduce the burden of bearing children, such as mandatory paid parental leave, subsidized childcare, and flexible working condition that help mothers stay in the workforce. We can support for programs like WIC and Medicaid that make it possible for low-income women to access food and prenatal care. Those of our members who own businesses can show they value life by offering these benefits even when their governments don’t mandate them. I am pleased to announce that the church will lead by example by providing free birth control (including vasectomies) for all of our employees, plus six months of paid maternity and paternity leave, paid leave for miscarriages and prenatal appointments, and subsidized childcare on-site.” [5]

Elder Andersen did not mention or express support for laws against abortion, but research shows that outlawing abortion doesn’t necessarily reduce the overall number of abortions, but it does make abortions less safe [6] and makes it harder for miscarrying women to access timely care, leading to higher maternal death rates. [7] If we care about the mothers of the unborn–and we should if we cherish life–then abortion bans aren’t the answer. Elder Andersen could say, “Because we view abortion as a moral issue rather than just a political one, it may be tempting to think that simply outlawing abortions will save the unborn. Unfortunately, studies show this is not the case. We need to carefully consider all of the unintended effects of good-intentioned laws and be sure that in our quest to save the unborn, we don’t unwittingly take the lives of their mothers.”

There are so many important conversations we could be having about how to prevent abortion and lovingly support women faced with unexpected pregnancies. Unfortunately, this talk barely scratched the surface. So yes, let’s have those Elder’s Quorum and Relief Society lessons “about the Lord’s law of chastity, the sanctity of life, and the care of the unborn and their mothers,” as Elder Andersen suggests, but let’s not stop there. Let’s bring men and boys into the conversation and acknowledge their vital responsibility in preventing unintended pregnancies. Let’s focus on solutions—like comprehensive sex education, accessible contraception, and a supportive social infrastructure—that have been proven to reduce unplanned pregnancy rates. Only by addressing these root causes can we effectively reduce abortions and offer real support to women in need.

[1] I don’t have space to unpack this story in this post, but the way he pedestalizes and makes a martyr of this woman while holding her up as an example is extremely problematic: “The man was unfaithful to his wife and his sacred covenants. A single woman became pregnant and wanted an abortion. The husband’s saintly wife pleaded with the woman to have the baby and promised that she would raise the child once he was born with her own children. The single woman thoughtfully agreed not to end the pregnancy.” And this “humble sister,” this “noble woman of God,” raised the son of her husband’s mistress. This story will DEFINITELY be used by abusive men against their wives.

[2] Please read Gabrielle Blair’s brilliant thread on this topic. It completely reframed the abortion debate and blew my mind. Her premise is that if men and boys valued their sexual partners and were raised to consider the potential effect of their irresponsible ejaculations, abortions would end overnight. She also wrote a book based on this essay, Ejaculate Responsibly. It is short and so good and should be required reading for every teen and adult.

[3] Five Years After Abortion, Nearly All Women Say It Was the Right Decision, Study Finds: Even Those Who Struggled to Make the Abortion Decision Supported it Years Later

[4] Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives

[5] As of 2017, the church pays for 6 weeks of maternity leave plus one week of parental leave (for moms or dads). As of 2023, the church’s insurance now covers most forms of birth control, with the exception of vasectomy or tubal ligation (unless a woman is over 40 or has had at least five children), though it is unclear whether deductibles or copays still apply. Prior to 2023, the church’s insurance did not cover any forms of birth control for any reason (unless a woman was over 40 or had had at least five children).

[6] Abortion restrictions don’t lower rates, report says: “Laws that seek to limit abortions around the world may not lower the rate of abortions but could make them less safe, according to a new report that illustrates the trend. In countries with the fewest restrictions, only 1% of abortions were the “least safe” kind from 2010 to 2014. That number jumps to 31% in the most restrictive countries…During the same period, abortions happened roughly as frequently in the most restrictive countries as they did in the least restrictive: 37 versus 34 abortions each year for every 1,000 women aged 15 to 44. “Restricting abortion laws does not eliminate the practice of abortion,” said Gilda Sedgh, principal research scientist at the Guttmacher Institute and one of the report’s authors.”

[7] A dramatic rise in pregnant women dying in Texas after abortion ban: “The number of women in Texas who died while pregnant, during labor or soon after childbirth skyrocketed following the state’s 2021 ban on abortion care — far outpacing a slower rise in maternal mortality across the nation, a new investigation of federal public health data finds. From 2019 to 2022, the rate of maternal mortality cases in Texas rose by 56%, compared with just 11% nationwide during the same time period….“There’s only one explanation for this staggering difference in maternal mortality,” said Nancy L. Cohen, president of the GEPI. “All the research points to Texas’ abortion ban as the primary driver of this alarming increase. Texas, I fear, is a harbinger of what’s to come in other states.””

Guest Post: Sexual Abuse in the Church

by Liz

I was sexually abused by my bishop as a child. The effects of that abuse and trauma have lingered throughout my life, shaping how I have viewed myself and the world around me, lacking trust in others, and finding fear in everything.  For years, I struggled to understand my worth, questioning my value and feeling trapped by the pain of my past. But there was a turning point. It wasn’t a magic moment or a quick fix, but a gradual journey that began with discovering the power of loving myself through the fear while also learning my true purpose as a mother, wife, daughter, and sister.

From 1998-2003, I was sexually abused by my bishop, Stanley Green. I was five years old when the abuse began. I was just old enough to go to kindergarten. Just tall enough to ride Space Mountain at Disney World. Just new enough to mold into the perfect victim.

I have often asked myself why me? Why did he choose me? I was quirky and fun. My favorite color was pink. I liked math. My favorite show was Molly in the Big Comfy Couch. My favorite food was chips. My favorite drink was Sunny D. I was outgoing. I wasn’t afraid of much…. Yet. And I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That last identifying factor is what made me the perfect victim.

Growing up in my home and at church, I had been taught to be quiet, obedient, and submissive. In many ways, the messages I received about my own role in the world were contradictory: I was told I was precious, yet I was made to feel invisible. This invisibility led me to the very abuse that robbed me of my innocence. I was told to respect authority figures, yet my body and my voice were ignored and violated by the very authority that was called to protect. I felt powerless, as though I didn’t have the right to speak up for myself.

Being abused by authority can strip you of your sense of safety and trust. When you’ve been hurt by those who were meant to protect you, you’re forced to rebuild on a foundation such as sand (you know the song.)

My foundation was often faulty. I read and learned contradictory things from well meaning people who taught me to rise from the ashes. I remember my soul screaming that there was no way to rise from the ashes if the house was still on fire. Ultimately, it took nearly two decades to finally put out the fire and to rebuild again.

Unfortunately, my lack of trust extended to everyone. No one was off limits, and now that I’m a social worker, I have learned this to be true. This distrust as a victim, also extends into yourself. How did I let this happen? Why did I not say something sooner? Did I protect someone else? What if I didn’t do it right and someone else is getting hurt too? Is everyone like this? Is this normal? WILL IT EVER END?

Fortunately for me, when I built up the courage, my parents believed me. Unfortunately, when my dad turned him into our then bishop (Stanley had been released about 1 1/2 years earlier), he refused to turn him into the police department. My dad, being who he was, refused to let that slide and went further up to someone who would. This news was not accepted by those in my ward. I was called every name in the book. I was ostracized, ridiculed, and bullied. School had become my safe haven through the years, and even there, I wasn’t safe. I held strong knowing that if not me, then who? I went to court at 13. I testified. I held onto the last bit of courage that I had, and I did it. I finally saved myself despite being told that girls aren’t strong enough.

Dozens of other girls and women came forward after he was found guilty and sentenced to 90 years in prison. Turns out, girls really are strong.

I am still an active member of the church. I still find that sharing courage makes change. In 2006, my story reached the general authorities and because of my story and the stories of so many other survivors, windows were retrofitted to all of the interior doors to ensure visibility. In 2024, I began the legal process that would require background checks for bishops and any other leader that directly works with children and youth. I actively work in my community to ensure that everyone knows the dangers of trusting authority figures with their children.

Being a member of the church does not prevent abuse.

If you have been a victim, brighter days are ahead, but it’s okay if it takes a while for you to find them. Healing does not have a timeline and sometimes just trying is good enough.

There can be and is beauty in the church. For someone like me, it took quite some time to find it. Through my experience, I know that someone was out there watching over me. I choose that to be my Heavenly Parents, with an emphasis on a Heavenly Mother.  I cling to the idea that I will, to some capacity, be able to have my family forever.

Final advice? Believe your kids. Don’t trust your kids with anyone. No one is immune to abuse. Sexual abuse is a pandemic and it is spreading. Educate yourself AND YOUR KIDS and be prepared to advocate for them, even if it feels uncomfortable.

 

Liz is a mom of six boys, a wife, an advocate, a social worker, and a survivor.