Exponent II's Blog, page 31

From the Backlist: Why do Dads and Kids Leave when Moms leave the Church?

A few days ago, one of our bloggers was contacted and asked for feedback for an Area President on the following issue.

The Area President was wondering why in previous decades, if a husband stopped attending church, the wife would still come to church with the kids—but in recent years, if the wife stops attending church first, why does the husband tend to not keep coming with the kids? The Area President saw this phenomenon leading to “a generation [being] lost.”

Bloggers on our backlist listserv had a number of responses.

Libby:

Oh, wow. Does he realize that he’s talking about a systemic change? Because making church work for women would mean acknowledging that most of the “work” in the church is done by women on behalf of men, and that men get to come to church to feel important, whereas women come to church because we have to be there or things fall apart. The minute we realize that we don’t *have* to be there, that we’re not getting anything out of the relationship except maybe salvation at some later state, and that the “salvation” probably involves an eternity of the same kind of work with the same nonexistent rewards, we’re done. We like the community, and we enjoy being part of a group of people, but honestly we could have that with a good book club.

 

Candice Wendt:

Something that Neylan McBain said this fall really struck me. She said that about 10 years ago when she published “Women at Church,” a lot of LDS women were more content and religious. Ten years later, she’s noticing how most mainstream families have women who’ve gone through a feminist awakening during that time. They’ve become at least slightly less religious. Engaging literature and online voices has led them to deconstruct patriarchy and its role in the institutional church.

 

Anonymous Blogger:

When I look at my two extended families, I totally see this, ten years ago, we were mostly pretty orthodox and not talking about any concerns even if we had them. Today, virtually all my sisters and sisters-in-law and even my mom have gone through some measure of faith transition and discontentment with the institution has increased for all.

[Anonymous] and I have talked about how one trigger for feminist awakenings is all of us who have honest, strong-willed daughters who are allergic to patriarchal and tendencies to control and condition at church. My daughter was my big catalyst for my faith transition a few years ago. At age twelve, she told me church was a place she felt a lot of shame and where she experienced people trying to mold and control her and that she planned to leave once she had the freedom to. Today, while I attend church, my husband values it more than me. He thrives there more than me. We both know if I stop going, everything will fall apart and he won’t be able to motivate the kids to be involved. I can totally see how this is happening in so many families.

 

Libby:

I’m going to add, because I think it’s important: there are a lot of other churches that do more good in the community than the LDS Church does, and membership in them is not all-consuming. My best friend/business partner attends the local UU church, which hosts the local Pride festival, holds vigils against racism, raises money to help a huge number of causes, partners with a low-income church about half an hour away, hosts a postcard-writing campaign during election season, and has a really good consent-based sex-ed program (All Our Lives). It’s a huge force for good here. On the other hand, Mormons are seen as nice but insular, and much more worried about checking boxes than actually dealing with ethics on a higher level. If I joined the UU church, I’d already have friends there, wouldn’t ever have to give a talk over the pulpit, and would be well recognized (and profusely thanked) for anything i decided to lead or participate in.

We can no longer be an insular, self-serving church. What worked in the 1870s in the Rocky Mountains simply does not work on a global scale with instantaneous communication. Women in the 21st century have more power outside the home than we’ve ever had before in the history of the church, and we’re used to using it for good. We do not consider ourselves to be appendages to our husbands. Our children, half of whom are female and about 20% of whom identify as LGBTQ, are dear and precious to us and we do not want them to have the more limited lives their grandmothers had. And the sooner the church realizes that and starts treating us all as true equals, the more families it will keep. But it must change or it will increasingly lose those of us who understand our own worth.

 

Ann:

Oh what a live wire!  I’m sure that area presidency member is thinking the feedback would be along the lines of “Relief Society should meet more frequently so women can have more friends.” I’m not sure he’s expecting that SO MUCH needs to change.

My biggest thing is that right now my ward Relief Society often feels like it’s a rehash of Young Womens in 1999. I would prefer that Relief Society reflect that I’m a grown up and that it’s 2025. I don’t need feel good lessons with cutesy handouts and overly emotional songs. I need actual spiritual nourishment. And listening to a regurgitated conference talk is NOT going to cut it.

 

Mindy May Farmer:

For a really long time, I was praised by church members for being an example of how a “modern woman” could remain faithful. Unfortunately, I believed them and, when I trusted the church to listen to women and progress, even in small ways, I was continually disappointed. The shaming I experienced as I tried to remain faithful and share spiritual promptings I received shattered my testimony. I did what I’d been told to do all of my life. I prayed, listened to the spirit, and attended the temple. But I had no authority, even over my own spiritual life.

When I’d try to discuss these issues with other women, they’d often get defensive or shut down and even pity me. Men would be condescending and dismissive. Over time, I realized that staying made me constantly angry, sad, and depressed. I found community elsewhere and decided to no longer waste my time and energy fighting for crumbs or a seat near the patriarchal table.

At one point in my life, I was ready to compromise. Every compromise I tried was rejected. Now it’s not enough. I want full equality. I don’t need the church to be a good person or to want to do good. I’m not rushing into sin or ignoring my spiritual life. I only engage with the church because my husband and (some) kids do. One day, when my kids are grown and all making their own choices, I hope to let it go entirely except to support my husband in his spiritual journey.

 

Kara Stevenson:

I think someone made a comment on one of these threads that if the church just had women involved in the decision-making processes, especially at the very top with the general authorities, so many of these issues would go away. I couldn’t agree more.

If this area authority really wants to know what women think, then he should be advocating for that. Women need to be in the room where it happens. Give them a microphone at general conference. Magnify their voices by reading, studying, and quoting more of their talks.

Let them sit on the stand and hold callings like Sunday school presidency and financial clerk. Let them make decisions without the approval of a man. Involve the young women more.

Reflect on sexist teachings like polygamy and D&C 132. Consider how women used to give blessings in the church, yet that was stripped away from them *by men.* Think about the sexist undertones that were in the temple and that surround the topic of modesty.

I appreciate that he’s asking the question. But he could just sit back and relax and let the women solve the issues that women face if they were just given the authority to do so. Is it fair to say that only women can really solve women’s issues?

 

Kelly Ann:

We need male allies. But to Kara’s point, there are no women in the middle or upper management so to speak. An area authority seventy only regularly meets with stake presidents. Coordinating councils are only men. When the whole thing with women on the stand in the Bay Area happened, and the stake RS president asked to speak to the visiting authorities, they apparently asked Bednar for permission. There is no direct link between stake relief society presidents and general auxiliary leaders. There needs to be regular channels in which leaders are connected to women – not just an ad hoc, even if well intentioned, ask for feedback

 

Heidi Toth:

This is a really interesting thread, and I agree with all the responses. I do think the question of why men don’t keep going is also really interesting. Do men have less strong testimonies? Less commitment? Why aren’t they “dutifully” going to church? It is arguably more their duty as priesthood holders than it is for women. Leaving aside how the church could be better for women for a moment, perhaps the church should look into why men aren’t that committed.

As for what needs to change to get better for women … Libby’s first comment about being systemic is just what I keep coming back to. No matter how good a ward or a bishop is, how much a woman wears pants or speaks up in class or gives feminist talks, there’s still the systemic inequality that has to change from the top. And as women are increasingly in the workforce and in universities and in positions of leadership everywhere else, and girls are experiencing equality everywhere else, what do they expect to happen?

This just inspired a “patriarchy is bad for EVERYONE” rant in my head. It’s not just women. The church is losing people because more and more members are looking around and seeing something better. It’s more women because the church is worse for women and I think it’s harder for men to see inequality, but I know there are men who don’t find garments comfortable and don’t appreciate being told they have to wear them and don’t like how women and girls are treated and aren’t comfortable with what happens with tithing money or abuse cases.

 

Katherine Ponczoch:

I’m really bothered by the phrase “a generation is lost.” I would ask the leader to consider whether we know that to be true. We need to respect everyone’s journey and agency. The assumption that people are lost if they choose a different spiritual path is faulty and offensive.

I left three years before my husband. There was nothing for me there but heartache and invisibility. No growth, no peace, no hope. It had become too toxic and painful. I saw a lot of hypocrisy and clinging to “one true church” and demands for a rigid, performant lifestyle. I needed pluralism, “how can we better truly serve the community”, and “here’s something we can add to your life”. The church doesn’t want to change, so it won’t be right for everyone. Leaders need to learn to let people leave with dignity when it’s no longer a good fit.

The church I would go back to would be so vastly different it would not be recognizable. And that’s not the church most members want.

 

ElleK/Lindsay Denton:

I’m impressed they’re noticing that they’re losing women at all (even if just because they’re losing men). I find it very telling that they’re not all that concerned about losing women, just their children and priesthood holding husbands. The trend he noticed is absolutely what happened in my family. Everyone on this thread has already said exactly this, but I’m going to say it again because it bears repeating in as many different ways as we can say it.

The cause of the trend is that women and girls are more restricted and have fewer opportunities at church than in any other sphere in their lives. The disparity is glaring and upsetting, especially for our feminist daughters, who are not used to being held back just because they’re girls. I would never keep taking my girls (or my son, honestly) to a school or club or team that gave boys special privileges just for being boys, regardless of whether they wanted them or not, and withheld them from girls. Why should we tolerate treatment from the church that we would never ever tolerate anywhere else? Women also lose faith over things like polygamy, treatment of LGBTQ people, racism, and church history.

So women stop going. And because 99% of the time women are the ones who actually get the kids ready and out the door, which is a HUGE amount of labor that men in leadership cannot possibly appreciate, men who mean to bring their children to church just piddle out because it’s too much effort, and then they fall out of the habit. And a fair percentage of the time, the men lose their faith as well.

The solution, which your area authority absolutely did not ask for, requires systemic change the church is not willing to make.

 

Lavender:

Yes to all of this. Also, in my personal experience, I attended church for ten years after my husband left and there were so many times that I thought, “If my husband still attended and supported this church that treats me and all women this way, it would break my love for him.” There were so many times when I was Primary President that I went home to him and thanked him for not believing in the priesthood. The priesthood that makes men rule over women, gives them power and privileges that I am barred from because I am a woman. I continued to attend a church that continually infantilized, silenced, and oppressed me because I loved the gospel and the generous, beautiful people in my community. . . And for a thousand complicated, unknown reasons I’m trying to understand. But when my husband left the church and LDS beliefs behind, we were made equal for the first time in our marriage.

Alternatively, my sister left the church before her husband and he only lasted a couple months before he gave it all up, too. And she said their marriage almost didn’t make it. Once she saw the discrepancy, she couldn’t tolerate her husband supporting a church that placed him above her in every way. Very soon after, he couldn’t either.

 

Bailey:

Women are tired. The emotional labor to uphold the church structure is grinding. The church is structured with a dominator model where men rule over women and gender minorities. In this model, women are exploited, meaning that the church uses women in an unfair, selfish way. The church uses women to prop up men’s sense of identity and purpose. The church wears down women by exploiting the human desire for community and connection by telling women manipulative messages about gender roles; that if only women follow these gender roles then everything will be ok. Messages include: women are holy and must do holy things like cook meals, wash dishes, and make beds. They are too holy to do service like passing the sacrament or leading a congregation. If women disagree, they are told they aren’t following God and that they are going to bring about the downfall of society. Women must serve. Women must support men. Women are so, so special. This specialness means that women must be protected from The World. This means women should not go to work where they might encounter men, or dirty themselves with politics, or be greedy by aspiring to have the priesthood, or some other thing that men have. It’s wrong for women to want what men have. God said so. Women have a different job to do than men. It’s such a special job. The role of women serves the dominator model. In this model, men are told that they are strong, powerful protectors. They get to serve with the priesthood. This makes them Feel Very Good About Themselves. It gives them an identity, a sense of purpose. However, men’s identity and sense of purpose comes at the cost of women working to make themselves disappear through service. Our souls feel the wrongness of this; women are waking up and saying “no thank you” and leaving.

The temple is a particularly pernicious part of this messaging. Even after the 2019 changes, spiritual coverture is still in the temple; in a legal sense, women still do not exist as their own person in the temple the same as married women didn’t legally exist under legal coverture. Women are smart and aware of our own worth so we don’t need to stick around for a church that is more about our subordination than it is about Jesus and building a community that supports each other as we journey together through life.

The line “that a whole generation is lost” is indicative that the area president has views that come from this dominator model. In this model, men have a right to what women’s bodies produce. The church thinks it has a right to the kids a woman’s body produces. Is this area authority as worried about the spiritual well-being of individual women as he is about the generation that is “lost”?

 

Bailey:

I reread the responses and they are great. I keep thinking women are hungry. Church is giving us stale Cheetos. Why would we keep going? I say this as someone who loves Jesus, the good news of Jesus, and who still attends sacrament meeting. I can’t take rehashed general conference talks anymore so I stopped attending RS last year. This year I am skipping Sunday School because studying Doctrine and Covenants is like watching a horror movie where you know something (polygamy) is going to jump out of a closet and kill you.

Since the pandemic, both my sister and sister-in-law who are both ten years younger than me have stopped attending. Their husbands and kids stopped then too. There is enough of an age difference between us (47 vs 37) that they aren’t willing to put up with dragging their kids to a place that is going to focus on gender roles more than Jesus like I did. They are both very much aware of how patriarchy damages both females and males.

 

Melissa Tyler:

I stopped attending at the first of this year…consequently, my three daughters stopped going as well.

My husband still goes. He does not participate in anything a woman cannot do, yet he still goes.

I did not want my number included in the weekly count. I did not want to consent to the rhetoric anymore by just being there….and my body count being used against me.

 

Bailey:

One more thought from me. While I am still impressed that this area president asked for feedback, his question is a general question that applies to any exploitative system.

How can we [the people in power] make [fill in the blank] better for [the group being exploited].

How can we, the male leadership, make church better for women?

More examples:

How can Bezos make working in an Amazon warehouse better for people who work there?

How can big ag make working in the fields better for the undocumented people who work there?

How could factory owners make factories better for the people working there?

How could medieval kings make subsistence farming better for serfs?

And on and on.

The answer, every. single. time. is to stop exploiting people and change the system from domination to partnership.

What’s the Difference Between a Patriarchal Blessing and Fortune Telling?

If I asked my LDS friend to go with me to have our fortunes read – palm reading, tarot cards, a crystal ball – they’d most likely laugh. Someone, usually a woman, claiming clairvoyance and a connection to things beyond or world? Ridiculous. Belief in someone’s claims to authority bestowed as an unasked-for gift? Please. Vague predictions that could apply to just about anyone, but given in a spiritual setting to the emotionally vulnerable? Give me a break!

Yet, a patriarchal blessing is all of these things, except led by a man who claims to get his authority from God. His hands are his instrument, but we know Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat, so would utilizing an object be so outrageous? You don’t pay for a patriarchal blessing, of course, but you do tithe in money and the patriarch receives increased respect, authority, and influence for his efforts.

My patriarchal blessing meant a great deal to me at one time in my life. I received it after the death of my father, before I would experience an incredible bout of depression, and as I was starting a new chapter of my life. Priesthood authority felt so significant at that time because I was convinced that my home suffered from its absence. Really, I mourned the absence of my father, but that’s a whole different post. At this vulnerable time, I needed God to speak to me and direct me. I recall the blessing feeling so personal, although vague and heavily open to interpretation.

A recent reminder of patriarchal blessings, after not thinking about mine for many years, offered a new perspective. I recognize that these blessings are a sacred experience for many and most patriarchs are entirely earnest and sincere, so I’ve wrestled with voicing my criticisms. And, honestly, that’s the cornerstone of benevolent patriarchy: convincing all participants that the good outweighs the bad and that dissent is harmful.

At this stage of my life it surprised me to discover that a patriarchal blessing, something I’d always viewed as fairly sweet and benign, is actually problematic. The man giving the blessing is imbued with authority and generally older than the recipient. He tends toward an air of wise, yet humble, but especially wise. Latter-day Saints encourage people to get blessings when they are young and impressionable so that this can be the most impactful. This power imbalance all allows the patriarch leeway to give speeches filled with scriptures and admonitions, even to virtual strangers. He speaks with immediate intimacy and foreshadows potential problems with blessings, patiently explaining why blessings can even often appear similar without individual revelation. He cautions about blessings being roadmaps and not fortunes. He even reminds participants that blessings can be for this life or the next (covering all bases). And then the blessing begins.

And what’s the harm in a lovely blessing, really? Quite a bit, actually. At a vulnerable moment in someone’s life, an authority figure, usually older, proceeds to give a blessing that advises the individual on how to be the ideal LDS person and gives promises primarily related to performing Mormonism correctly to continue the mission of the Church. The blessing is not generally that individualized, is purposefully vague, and prescribes a very limited way of living. While the LDS Church supposedly values choice and agency, experiences like this emphasize how there is really only one good choice and makes all others literally not of God.

It would be one thing if most blessings simply encouraged people to live good lives by following Jesus, serving others, seeking justice, being merciful, pursuing their talents, loving others, valuing family, bettering their communities, caring for the less fortunate, etc. Those guide you in what you should seek to become with your choices. That is beautiful and inspiring. But blessings that tell someone to go on a mission, get married in the temple, have children, etc., (and then say maybe not in this life) are spiritually limiting, manipulative, and, frankly, a missed opportunity to truly inspire people to listen to their own spiritual guide.

And then there’s your patriarchal lineage through the twelve tribes of Israel. This is another way to remind our children that priesthood lines all and authority all come through men (even though mom has the priesthood too!) It also tells us what our job is as part of that (man’s) tribe. Remind me again why kids aren’t encouraged to trace the priesthood genealogy through their mother’s line when learning about family? But I digress…

Honestly, at this point in my life, I am more open to a friend who offers an intuitive reading or gathers some tarot cards to pull than I am to a patriarchal blessing. In this scenario, they offer no grand authority or promises. I have no obligation to them and there’s no expectation that they’ll benefit from my actions. Instead, it’s a gift they give to inspire, heal, offer hope, and maybe needed guidance. What I receive from the reading is often based on my own experience, emotional state, and current needs. No strings attached.

While fortune telling has certainly been connected to fraud (as have religious healers), what makes their belief in a connection to the supernatural so different than a belief that men can receive a special gift to know God’s will for individuals? It’s not the payment because the Church is “paid” in volunteer hours, mission calls, temple workers, tithing, and people who unfailingly wait for their promised blessings to be fulfilled in this life or the next, no matter the sacrifices.

Ultimately, if we really want our children to be strong individuals who choose for themselves, patriarchal blessings disrupt this process. In many ways, they serve as a safeguard against choice. I often find myself asking why God needs so many intermediaries to speak with us. Why is God’s voice filtered so often through men? I would rather my children learn to listen to the spirit and speak to God directly for promptings and revelation.

Guest Post: Blessings from not Reading the Scriptures Daily

by Kandis Lake

As an avid and lifelong reader, books have been many things for me — a mode for spiritual growth, self-improvement, discovering the world, entertainment, and a way to escape from difficult times and inner turmoil.

I have always read extensively, but I used to do this funny thing where I’d read my “have to’s” first before rewarding myself with reading something fun, if I had the time.

What I “had” to read were scriptures. This always included The Book of Mormon, because I had been taught repeatedly how important it was and to always prioritize it. I received plentiful messages as both a youth and an adult promising me blessings, protection, the spirit, and testimony growth – simply by reading The Book of Mormon every day. The messages also implied that on the flip side, if I didn’t read it daily, I wouldn’t have the spirit with me, wouldn’t be blessed and protected, and would lose my testimony.

Most years, there was another book of scripture to follow as well — either The Old Testament, The New Testament, or The Doctrine and Covenants —whatever that year’s church-wide curriculum was. I often followed scripture reading with the corresponding lesson in the church curriculum manual.

I would often throw in a conference talk to read or listen to as well because I was also promised blessings for studying the words of the prophets. Even though I would watch all ten hours of General Conference twice a year, I’d study the talks all over again in an attempt to not miss a single thing.

Sometimes, I additionally felt internal pressure to read or listen to educational or non-fiction books next. Although my true passion has always been engaging with the artful works of fiction, I used to believe that I had to be learning something new and concrete for reading to be productive.

Once I had read or listened to enough religious content and enough “productive” educational content, I would finally feel free to dive into books that I actually wanted to read. If I did “enough,” I could have fun and relax. This wasn’t only the case with reading, but with how I spent my time in general.

At the time, I would have vehemently denied that I had to do any of this compulsive behavior. Looking back, however, I can see I was bound to my routine by scrupulosity. 

The problem is, as others who have experienced scrupulosity can attest to, most days nothing ever actually feels like enough. There is an endless running list in your mind of more good things you can do, more good things you must do, to be the person you’re supposed to be.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing scrupulosity, and I think it’s quite common for members to be bound by religious routine, even if the pressure they feel isn’t quite as intense. I say this because I’ve had multiple conversations with others about books when they’ve told me they “have to” listen or read the scriptures first in the day before reading the novel they’re really excited about. Or that they “have to” finish the Book of Mormon before proceeding to the book they’ve had their eye on.

I often found myself, especially once I became a parent, completely frustrated when I couldn’t get a focused or long scripture study in, or accomplish any of the other many things we were told at church would bless us and give us the spirit. The checklist of church involvement was often really hard due to a lack of time, lack of attention and focus, or a lack of energy. 

However, I powered through like a steamroller, determined to earn the promised of blessings and protection by doing the things that would bring me the spirit, do the things that would show God I was devoted and eager to qualify. I powered through with the overwhelm of looming college homework. I powered through the fog of exhaustion as a new parent. I powered through boredom, ignoring the calls of creativity and fun until my religious tasks were completed. I powered through the bottomless depression that eventually plagued me – certain that doing all of the right things would bring me the spirit and therefore vanquish the “weakness” that depression was.

I did many different things to prioritize the gospel — waking up early, staying up late, spending my baby’s precious nap time on religious study, using up precious date nights in the temple, fasting for long periods even though it made me grumpy with loved ones, overriding my depleted social battery to fulfill my calling, keeping a running prayer streaming through my mind, and never allowing any part of me to consider letting go of any of it.

In retrospect, the relaxing I often compulsively avoided included truly connecting with myself, my kids, and others around me. That connection was severed when I was compulsively doing the things I was convinced needed to be done.

One of the biggest blessings that came from experiencing a faith crisis and transition is that I could finally let go of the endless gospel tasks — including daily scripture study. It definitely hasn’t happened automatically or easily — I often feel the bottomless need to hustle for worthiness in my bones — but mentally, I know that I can do it differently. I can simply do the good things I feel called in my heart to do, rather than try endlessly to do all of the good things others are telling me to do. 

I can have fun and I can rest. I can have fun even if I haven’t been productive yet. I can look at the checklist given from the church – or from anyone else – as a guideline or recommendation, rather than a qualifying requirement. What I’ve found to be even more effective for me personally, is tearing the checklist up and throwing it in the trash – it’s what I’ve needed.

I don’t feel like this change to no longer read scriptures every day has led to a lack in the spirit. If anything, it has brought me blessings of space and freedom. As I’ve broken out of the pattern of compulsory scripture reading and the pressure to perform countless other church tasks, I’ve become more present, a more connected parent, and realize what I do doesn’t determine the quality of person I am. 

I’ve been able to discover and prioritize myself as I’ve had more room for my preferences. I’ve realized I can still be close to God, have spiritual promptings, access my intuition or inner compass, and feel good feelings.

I now have greater opportunity to read about different modes of spiritualities than before because of how much was demanded of me from my own faith tradition. Being trapped in Mormon scripture didn’t give me the time, space, or energy to explore the other wisdom practices or spiritual traditions that I found interest in.

I have more opportunities to read for fun — to get lost in stories that put me in a different world or that connect to my soul in unique ways.

I no longer feel shame in my day if I don’t follow a scrupulous routine. Along with this shift in reading practice, I am no longer bound by scrupulous prayer and other scrupulous box-checking on a day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month basis.

This isn’t to say that time spent in the LDS scriptures can’t be beneficial. I can think of moments in my life of feeling close to God when reading the beautiful prose, inspiring stories, or encouraging charges in the scriptures. 

If I ever open any scriptures now, it’s from genuine desire and curiosity, rather than a heavy obligation. Like any religious text or great piece of literature, the scriptures are full of art and lessons. I’ve also come to learn that they aren’t infallible, and that has changed my experience with them as well. I can take everything I read with a grain of salt, knowing a human (a man, certainly) wrote it and that it’s okay if it doesn’t resonate with me. I no longer have to twist my heart and mind to make every single phrase right or to make it make sense.

While scriptures are imperfect, and the weight of my scrupulosity was real, God has met me in the scriptures. Since my routine has changed, God now meets me in fantasy books and poetry, in nature and exercise, in relaxed and mindful mornings, and in the deep breaths I take amid the loud and messy chaos of life.

 

Kandis loves to read, write, and be outside. She is a mom, a wife, and a friend. Read more of her words at momgenes.substack.com

“Pride” – Summer 2025 Call for Submissions

Fewer words have more charge—or more meanings—than the word “pride” in the LDS community.

What has been your journey with “pride”? What does it—and its possible opposite term, “humility—mean to you? We celebrate and seek stories about queerness from our LGBTQIA+ siblings while also welcoming all angles of wrestling with pride and humility at a broad level. This could be a piece about reclaiming your value and worth, identifying what you are unapologetically proud of, recognizing or making space for your achievements, allusions to Pride and Prejudice, or examining how pride cycles in the Book of Mormon have mapped onto your life experiences. We also welcome humor and hubris, always.

Written submissions are due by April 15, 2025. Please follow the guidelines. Authors and artists should identify with the mission of Exponent II.

(Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash)

Guest Post: Pinned

by Keely Richins

Pinned

Truth pinned down like a bug for observation,
Secure, lifeless, still, but poised as if in motion, flightless existence.
Measured, constant, finite, and studied within the confines of theology.

Not meant for the glass box on display,
Truth resurrects, takes flight in questioning
Changeable creature flits in and out of sight,
Ever dancing as it is chased through the changing seasons.

Sometimes, the chase is joy.
Sometimes, disorienting.
Sometimes truth disappears from view, overcome by long fields of weeds and wildflowers.

I wander in search of its memory, surprised in discovery of new cocoons.
I wonder at their beauty.
Is this the beginning? Is that where it ends?

Leave them, have patience.
No jar needed to learn from their journeys. Spinning, growing, changing, becoming.

Maybe truth will set you free,
I prefer to set the truth free.

 

Keely is a reader, runner, proud Utah native, Idaho backpacker, nightgown wearing millennial, friend, and rabbit-owner. She loves to laugh, be outside, and push herself outside of her comfort zone. She lives a thrilling life with a CPA and three kids in a home with a red door.

Photo credit: Borchee, Butterfly and Sunset, istock

Judy Dushku at 83: Why She Wrote a Novel About War, Survival, and Healing

Judy Dushku is a political scientist, writer, and lifelong feminist activist. She is best known around here as one of the founding mothers of Exponent II.

After a 47-year career as a professor of comparative politics at Suffolk University—specializing in African politics and women’s studies—Judy continued her humanitarian work in Gulu, Uganda. In 2010, she founded THRIVE-Gulu, a woman-led nonprofit dedicated to helping survivors of the Lord’s Resistance Army insurgency and refugees from South Sudan heal from trauma, with a special focus on female survivors of violence. Now, at 83, she is publishing her debut novel, Is This The Way Home?—a powerful fictional account of one Ugandan woman and her family, offering a window into the struggles of thousands: war, abduction, marginalization, and the challenge of raising children born in the bush. Through her writing, she hopes to raise awareness of these survivors and inspire readers to seek their own paths to healing.

Judy sat down over Zoom with Katie Ludlow Rich to discuss the launch of her novel for the Exponent II blog. Responses have been edited for length and clarity.

Interview with debut novelist Judy Dushku:

Exponent: You had a long career as a professor at Suffolk University, and now you are launching your debut novel the month you turn 83! That’s so inspiring. What led you to try something this big?

Judy: As we near 80, most of us feel so bored with what is left for us and what is ahead of us that we are driven to do something unusual. Approaching 80, I was widowed, I was retired, I had stepped down as Stake Relief Society President, and there I was. It was this sense of, who are you, Judy? I was kind of floundering, but I felt like I still had something to offer the world, and I wanted it to help someone.

Exponent: Did you always want to write a novel?

Judy: No, it had never occurred to me. I wanted to honor the women I worked with in Northern Uganda [the survivors of the Lord’s Resistance Army insurgency and refugees from South Sudan]. I didn’t know if it would mean traveling there more, or fundraising more, or what, and then COVID happened. I began the novel before then, but with international travel not an option, I felt that I had stumbled upon the right choice to help draw attention to these women. Even after 20 years of fighting, leaders of international organizations said that the war in Northern Uganda was the most forgotten war in the world, and it really was forgotten. There were flashes of attention, like with the viral film “Kony 2012,” but then it was gone. I felt like, why isn’t the world not only taking a look at what people up there went through but what they’re now trying to accomplish, which is to come out of this horrible war and heal from the abuse and violence and really make something of their lives? How can people just ignore them?  

Kate Holbrook gave a talk at the Maxwell Institute about the weight of legacy. I called Kate up and asked, “Should I be writing about Ugandan women, or should I be writing just about my family and my ancestors who joined the church in Denmark?” Kate said, “You never know whose stories you are intended to celebrate and bring to life. Sometimes, we are called to be caretakers of other people’s legacies.” And I felt like it was a calling—which is not something I say very often—but I felt called to celebrate the women I know in Uganda. To shine a spotlight on them to help people gain an interest in listening to their stories and lives directly.

Exponent: What inspired the story you tell in Is This The Way Home?

Judy: The novel tells the story of a fictional character, Adong Agnes, who was abducted at age eleven, forced into “marriage” with rebel commanders, and escaped after fifteen years, but it is inspired by the real-life stories of women I know there. There are academic articles about the rebuilding that has taken place, but the stigma against the women who were in the bush with Kony and the LRA is tremendous. There is a Ugandan woman whose children I have supported through their education, and she is the same age as my own daughter, and over the years I’ve come to know the complicated intricacies of her healing journey. Westerners know the complications of their own lives, but too often, they think people in developing countries don’t have that same kind of personal complexity. It’s hard to capture a person’s full humanity in an academic article because you can’t speculate in an article. But in a novel, you can speculate about what someone was thinking, and you can show a more complete picture of the challenges and complexities of a person’s life.

Exponent: What do you want readers to take away from reading the novel?

Judy: I want everyone to know that healing from sexual violence, trauma, and war is very hard, but it is possible. And of course, the people who have been involved in these horrible experiences cannot wait for perfect conditions and a trained psychologist to rebuild and heal. There are women all over the world who need to rely on the help available to them—a neighbor, a friend, a doctor, a religious leader. You have to count on who is around you. I want to add to the effort to dispel the idea that help has to come from the West.

The other message is that African women’s lives not only matter, but that they are also complicated and real. I don’t want readers to assume that they have a simple life. Everyone’s life story is complicated and fraught, but people grow and can heal.

Exponent: When does the novel come out, and where can people order it?

Judy: Is This The Way Home? is being published by BCC Press in March 2025 and will be in both paperback and eBook formats. It is available for pre-order on Amazon and other online retailers like Barnes and Noble.

Novelist Judy Dushku and the cover of Is This The Way Home? Save the date for book launch events:

Saturday, March 15, 2025 at the University of Utah is a one-day conference celebrating the 50th anniversary of the book Mormon Sisters and the work of Claudia Bushman. Judy Dushku is among the speakers at the event, and copies of Is This The Way Home? will be there for sale by Benchmark Books. Register for free admission to the event. 

Tuesday, March 18, at 7 pm MT, join Judy at The Compass Galley in Provo, Utah, to celebrate the launch of her debut novel with an author discussion and book singing.

Thursday, March 20, at 7 pm MT, join Signature Books and Exponent II in celebrating Women’s History Month at Signature Books’ office in Salt Lake City. Fifty Years of Exponent II authors Katie Ludlow Rich and Heather Sundahl will talk with Exponent II founding mother Judy Dushku about her decades with Exponent II, her global feminist activism, and her humanitarian work in Uganda that inspired her novel, Is This The Way Home?

Sunday, April 6, 3 pm ET, book launch and discussion at the Mosesian Center for the Arts in Watertown, Massachusetts. The event will be held in the Amalie M. Hecht Kass Rehearsal Hall, 3rd floor.

Monday, April 14, at 6 pm MT / 8 pm ET, join Judy for a virtual book launch event on Zoom. Free registration.

Vol. 44 No. 3 — Winter 2025

This is a Collaborative Issue Between Exponent II and At Last She Said It.

Cover Art

Do I Contradict Myself? (I Contain Multitudes)
Quilt, cotton and linen, reflective polyester thread; 44 x 48 in., 2022

Inspired by Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself, 51,” this quilt explores freedom and self-expression within the constraints of an assigned color palette. Each design choice was spontaneous, sometimes requiring the mastery of new techniques to give it form. This quilt celebrates the interplay of concealment and revelation, embracing the beauty of unrestrained creativity. Within the seen quilt lies an entirely different quilt, glimpsed only from certain angles and bursting out of its layers in places. It is imbued with the insecurities, pride, despair, and excitement of a 40-year-old woman carrying a lifetime of complexity with her into graduate school and a new career. It is dedicated to the human longing to be seen. This piece is quilted with reflective thread, revealing a new layer of poetry and design when a photo is taken with a flash.

Melissa de Leon Mason
quiltallthethings.com | @quiltallthethings_

Editorial Staff

Editor-in-Chief – Rachel Rueckert
Managing Editor – Carol Ann Litster Young
Contest Judges – Susan Hinckley & Cynthia Winward from At Last She Said It
Art Editor – Rocio Cisneros
Layout Designer & Editor – Rosie Gochnour Serago
Fiction Editor – C. Chanel Earl
Blog Feature Editor – Natasha Rogers
Book Reviews Editor – Ynna Padilla
Poetry Editor – Abby Parcell
Women’s Theology Editor – Eliza Wells

Executive Board

President – Lori LeVar Pierce
Vice President & Secretary – Lindsay Denton
Treasurer – Jeanine Bean
Members – Julia Bernards, Carol Ann Litster Young, Jessica Grant Gray, Natasha Rogers, Nancy Ross, Rachel Rueckert, Rosie Gochnour Serago, Heather Sundahl

Additional Staff

Proofreaders – Kami Coppins, Hannah Mortenson, Cherie Pedersen, Karen Rosenbaum
Readers Committee – Linda Andrews, Kif Augustine, Sherrie Gavin, Hinckley Jones-Sanpei, Ashley Mackay Lewis, Natasha Rogers, Karen Rosenbaum, Eliza Handley-Wilcox, Kimberlie Young
Author Editors – Pandora Brewer, Kim Ence, Megan Eralie, Emily Gray, Linda Hamilton, Hailey Hannigan, Caroleine James, Dani Blatter Macarthur, Katie Ludlow Rich, Natasha Rogers, Eliza Handley-Wilcox
Art Community Ambassador – Page Turner
Social Media Content Manager – Linda Hamilton
Subscription Manager – Liz Johnson

At Last She Said it

Contest Judges from At Last She Said It: Susan Hinckley & Cynthia Winward

There was a library in the giant old house I grew up in: a dark wood-paneled room with antique bottle glass windows imported from Italy, gold-leafed moldings on the ceiling, a forbidden wet bar hidden in a cabinet, a button on the wall to summon some long-ago maid, and thick, muffly carpets on the floor. A Geochron World Clock and Atlas glowed, marking the position of the sun high on the wall above my father’s desk. Day and night its blue light beckoned through the open door at the end of an echoing hall.

The room was lined with books. On the top shelf, 40 years of National Geographic magazines paraded around the perimeter in chronological yellow. To a small Mormon girl, the library felt like a portal to the whole exotic world. By about fourth grade, I had begun pulling books from the shelves I had no business reading, sinking into the black leather sofa for entire afternoons. I couldn’t always understand the words I read, but I knew they were important. From Tolstoy’s tomes to the yarns of O’Henry and limericks of Ogden Nash, I sensed between the worn covers propped against my small knees the secrets of grown-up life. I intended to know them all.

At Last She Said It and Exponent II invite you — whether a long-time reader or new subscriber — to honor these experiences in an atmosphere of trust and respect.

I believe my reverence for story was born in that magical room. I learned I could see much further, standing on the shoulders of someone else’s words. As I grew, the stories of others explained things I didn’t understand — including myself. It soon became clear that writing would be a key to surviving my own life experience. Through story I could repackage even the most unwieldy truths into something easier to hold. I could invite others to help me carry the things I didn’t know how to bear myself.

I’ve experienced the At Last She Said It project as another magical, meaningful portal. The moment I stepped into it, I embarked on an unanticipated healing journey. As we share words, ideas, and experiences, the connection I feel to women from around the world continues to lead me toward a wholeness I didn’t think was possible. I know I speak for Cynthia when I thank the women of our podcast community for every word you have shared with us — and each other — these past five years. We’re deeply humbled by the sacred gift of your stories.

The writers in this issue bravely, boldly, and beautifully, speak their deepest truths.

We were thrilled to partner with Exponent II for this special issue. Contributors were invited to “say it at last,” and as Rachel Rueckert beautifully describes it, “They showed up with sharp pens and open hearts. The truths pop and the metaphors linger on the tongue long after the story ends.” With so many submissions, the editorial team had to make difficult selections for publication, settling on seventeen essays, one fictional piece reimagining scripture, and six stunning poems. Themes range from adultery to menstruation, witches to the pain of a partner’s faith transition, attending Relief society as a trans woman to navigating the challenges of church, trauma at the temple to the power of a found family. We have pieces rooting out abuse, wrestling with theology, and expressing profound spiritual experiences. The stories are shared alongside incredible artwork by Mormon women and gender minorities in this vibrant community.

You’ll find a range of spiritual experiences in this collection. As we enter this feminist publication’s 51st year, At Last She Said It and Exponent II invite you — whether a long-time reader or new subscriber — to honor these experiences in an atmosphere of trust and respect. May we listen deeply and make time for the long version of the story. In return, may our own stories be heard and held. The writers in this issue bravely, boldly, and beautifully, speak their deepest truths. No matter where we find ourselves, may we find the courage to do the same.

​​Learn more about At Last She Said It:

atlastshesaidit.org | @atlastshesaidit

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