Exponent II's Blog, page 218

Checking

I was interviewing for TSA precheck status. Sitting on a folding chair in the airport at 8:00 am in the morning, I was feeling proud for following through on what had seemed like a good idea for years. I expressed this self satisfaction by being aggressively good natured. I joked about my absence of felonies and my inability to use the fingerprint reader. The administrator was stoic, impervious to my hilarious quips. Toward the end, in her same deadpan demeanor, she asked if my email address would be valid in five years. My smile faded. My life passed before my eyes. Five years. I would be into the next decade of my life. I would be almost to a senior discount. Would I be working? Would I be living in the same place? Would I be the same person? Would I be using the same email address? There, staring at a facial recognition camera, with an uninterested companion, I had an existential crisis. You better use this other one I said quietly, suddenly serious.

The future. It has always been the bright shining horizon that I was hurtling towards, leaning forward, eyes on the prize. I am the poster child for “it gets better.” I was an awkward, strange, stuttering, insecure girl who has grown into a slightly less awkward, still strange and stuttering, but more confident woman. Years have brought acceptance, insight, better hair products. But lately my relationship with the future has become more uncertain. I may be reaching a point where I am at the edge of what I can imagine, beyond which here be dragons. Old dragons. I find myself looking around at my current context with a different lens. Today is feeling more meaningful than hazy tomorrow.

The day after my precheck interview, I helped a friend make pillows from her father’s clothing. He had passed suddenly and the family was understandably devastated. We worked together on these small tokens, to make her memory tangible, to support her in her grief. Her father had been exactly three years older than me when he died. Often when we hear stories of premature loss we say, go home and hug your loved ones. Be grateful. Be present. But we don’t or we don’t for long. We forget and get caught up in chaos. Soon we are back to pursuing what combination of events will rescue us into the next phase of our life.

My sons were just accepted into respective graduate school programs. Both have worked very hard on tests and applications, both have tried several other times and were not admitted. They have been moving toward this threshold, they will start school and immediately dream of graduation. This will sustain them until one day they will be sitting at a desk, staring out the window, wondering what next? I cheer them on from the sidelines having lived my own version of the same relentless quest: college, marriage, children, career, then the next. The next is deeper, wider, standing still but moving constantly, not necessarily big milestones, but a spooling out of daily life that is mundane and cataclysmic at the same time. There are subsequent chapters, sometimes but not always, of our own design.

This ability to shift through time – past, present, and future – is a human characteristic that we don’t always recognize or appreciate. We can recall a memory of our favorite dinner, prepare for tonight’s dinner, and plan a dinner for next Sunday all while stirring mashed potatoes, our mind and body moving nimbly through the different scenes with perfect clarity. We don’t value this aspect of our imagination until the lines begin to blur. Then suddenly the past and future crystallize into the desire to be young and sharp and forever. Our theology promises this, but the wrinkled eyes and tired body warn us that the reality we may have taken for granted will end, or change, or at least become less sure.

Everyday I weigh myself on a scale. I have done this for all of my adult life. Today the weekend of bagels and pasta carbonara and barley soup have swung the dial higher than usual. There is another essay to be written on body image and external validation, but today I read the measure and don’t feel so bad. Today I have weight and that weight has stories to tell and crafts to finish and spreadsheets to populate and moments to live. I am here. I am now. I can face dragons.

Back at the TSA interview, I gave the other email address and the administrator recorded it. I have options I tell my captive audience, trying to regain my swagger. She looks at me as the faintest smile glimmers across her mouth.  

Dedicated

[image error]Sofa, coffee table, and tapestry in living room

I wasn’t raised in the church, and though I’ve been a member for nearly 25 years, I still feel on occasion like I’m an immigrant to the Kingdom of God. I’ve been naturalized through baptism, but there are still a few cultural things that everyone seems to know that I’ve never fully grasped.

One of these is the dedication of homes. I’ve heard occasional references to members being expected to dedicate their homes, but I don’t recall ever having a lesson at church about it. The nuts and bolts of who does it, when it’s done, why it’s done, and how it’s done are a mystery to me. Maybe these lessons happen in meetings to which I’m not invited, or maybe I was out sick that day, but the point remains that it’s something I have a vague sense is out there but not something I have any details on.

I bought a house last month, and it got me thinking again. I cleaned it, furnished it, decorated it, and had a housewarming party. But I wanted to dedicate it. One nice thing about having been absent the day it was taught at church is that I have complete freedom to do it how I want. I answer to no one. It’s my house, so no one has more authority than I do to dedicate it.

The only relevant quotation on the subject that I found was from an article in the August 1989 Ensign (I joined the church in 1994, so that explains why I never heard much about it). “A bishop or stake president must seek permission from those in authority in the Church in order to dedicate a chapel or stake center, but a member who wishes to bless his or her home may go directly to the Lord.” [1] This confirmed what I already felt. My home, my right to dedicate it.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, dedicatory prayers are written, not extemporaneous, so I started thinking about what I wanted to put in the dedication. I decided to dedicate the house as a whole and each individual room as well. What follows is a bullet point list of some of the main themes of the dedication.

Whole house:

A place of safety, security, and refuge for all who enterA place where I can put down roots and have a sense of permanence

Living room:

A place where loved ones can gather for conversation and entertainment

Kitchen

A place where nourishing food can be prepared and consumed

Laundry room and bathrooms

A place where the necessities of life can be attended to

Office

A place where I can focus and concentrate on my workA place where the needs of the downtrodden and needy can be met

Spare bedrooms

A place where travelers can restA place where future members of my family can live as my family expands

My bedroom

A place where I can rest and relax

Back yard

A place for relaxationA place of joy for the catsA place to grow fresh food

I haven’t yet delivered the dedicatory prayer, but I intend to do so in the near future. I’ll follow up in the comments when I do.

Have any of you dedicated your homes? What did you do to make it personal? What motivated you to do it? Did you get lessons in church about it? Was it done in your family of origin?

[1] https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1989... Emphasis added

All people are deserving of safety, comfort, and protection in our faith.

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March 2019

One of the things I struggle with the most in our faith is the emphasis and value that is placed on external labels and conformity, and the negative feedback and punishment that are involved when anyone expresses thoughts or feelings or embodies intersections of identity or lived experience that vary from a very narrow prescribed set of standards or ideals. The effects of this emphasis and its natural by-products, conditional love and protection, are often profoundly damaging in multiple intersecting ways (e.g., emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially), even to the point of trauma.

One of the ways I personally have experienced this is in my singleness. I’m almost 32 years old, and I have never been partnered or married, and I don’t have any children. From the time I was young, I was taught in my family and in my faith how important and valuable marriage and family are above all else. I heard the things people said about the value of being married in the temple, and the ways people were rewarded for achieving that “ideal.” In my own situation, this near-worship of marriage and family has been used as a weapon in abusive situations. During the most traumatic and abusive interaction in my life, my dad told me my life would never be good or whole until I had a husband, and that because I didn’t have a husband or children, something would always be missing. That pattern of thinking was present in my family in other ways as well. In my late 20s, my mom casually told me, “your dad and your siblings will take you seriously as soon as you have a husband. Until then, you’re the little sister.” At that point (and still now), I am the most educated woman in my family with two graduate degrees, one of which is terminal.

This pain extends beyond singleness and being a female-embodied person in our faith. I think often of the pain queer people, transgender people, and others with varying gender and sexual identities experience in our faith. For example, Josh Weed has written really eloquently about the attachment blockade experienced by queer people in our faith. When a faith or group teaches that sexual relationships are only acceptable and divinely mandated within a cisgendered heterosexual relationship, this stigmatizes and pathologizes the creation of healthy, positive, supportive romantic attachments for all people. In addition, the expectations of lifelong celibacy and blockade of attachment relationships afforded to cisgendered, heterosexual people is profoundly damaging for LGBTQ+ people in multiple intersecting ways, including emotional and mental health, spiritual identity, and connections with self and others. 

I also think about the ways many people in our church respond to those who have questions, doubts, and concerns about safety, accountability, and patterns of behavior in our faith at the local and institutional level. If we take even a few minutes to think about it, I would bet all of us can articulate multiple situations where someone has responded to us or another person who has questions/doubts/concerns in unkind, judgmental, or harmful ways. For example, I recently read a tweet about a person who bravely shared with their bishop their concerns and doubts related to their faith. During the conversation, they shared a post from the blog, By Common Consent, to illustrate the things they were struggling with and provide context. The bishop’s response was to stop reading the blog so they could “stop criticizing the church and get back on the covenant path.”

When I read the tweet,
all I could keep thinking about was how brave and assertive and powerful this
person had been in opening up to have a dialogue and give voice to their
concerns in a situation that was highly anxiety-provoking. I felt so angry and
upset this person had been shamed for doing such a brave, lovely, assertive
thing. This is not the spirit of Christ; this is not doing Heavenly Father’s
work; this is not spreading love. It is really sad and upsetting these types of
responses are way too common, and it also often happens within our families,
the places where we are supposed to be the most safe and comfortable and
vulnerable. The ante is significantly increased when someone makes the decision
to step away from the church.

All of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother’s children deserve safety, comfort, and protection, period. Every person deserves to have a place to be and a place to be seen and protected inside and outside of faith. All of us deserve to feel safe and empowered to make whatever decisions (faith and otherwise) that feel best and right for us in all of the many varied (and wonderful) intersections of identity and lived experience we embody.

There is so much I wish
I had been taught about making self-assured and independent decisions,
listening to my body and beliefs, and attending to my mental health. I am still
working on understanding how and why these things have affected me. I am so
grateful for the hard work I have done in therapy and on my own to know myself
and the things help me to feel safe, comforted, and protected.

These are some of the things I say to myself and
wish had been said to me:

1. Heavenly Father and
Mother understand, love, and value in their entirety all of the intersections
of identity and lived experiences all people embody, period.

2. Any institution I
choose to engage with should be a place of safety, comfort, support, and
validation. If I need to make adjustments regarding my engagement and how I’m
relating to a particular institution, I have the ability to make adjustments
and decisions about what is best for me.

3. My thoughts,
feelings, beliefs, and behaviors are not a threat to my family, the pioneers,
Heavenly Father, or any of my fellow church members or church leaders, even if
they are incorrectly interpreted as such.

4. I am not wrong or
shameful or bad for making decisions that are best for my safety, mental
health, and beliefs.

5. Heavenly Mother is so
happy when I am present in and listening to my body and spirit. She does not
want me to be disconnected from myself or those who are close to me.

6. There are people who
will/do love the intersecting parts of my identity and my intricacies in their
entirety. There are people who will/are not burdened or threatened by my
thoughts, feelings, and who I am.

All of Heavenly Father
and Heavenly Mother’s children deserve safety, comfort, and protection. There
is room here for everyone’s ideas, pain, experiences, and power.

LMA is PhD-holding boss lady that teaches child
development to university students. She cares deeply about issues that affect
women inside and outside of our Church.

#hearLDSwomen: My Special Needs Son Isn’t Allowed on Scout Camp Outs

[image error]Once I was a Den leader and had 13 boys. At the time we didn’t ever have 2 deep leadership, so it was me all alone. The Cub handbook said Dens should never be more than 7-8. I kept begging the bishop to call another Den leader and he just laughed and said I could HANDLE IT. So I did. I sent a letter to all the parents that the Den was being divided into 2 Dens, and a new Den leader would be called. I put the bishop’s son in the Den with no leader. Bishop was pretty pissed. “What??? You told me I could HANDLE IT, so I did!!” They called a new leader in a week!

– Jennifer Briggs West

 

In my last two wards, almost all the announcements relative to Scouts or Young Men are made during priesthood meeting, so all the moms who have sons but not active husbands (some single mothers, some married women with less active husbands) have no clue what’s going on unless a friend with an active husband clues us in. Our frequent requests for more communication have fallen on deaf ears for the most part. Now we have our own network- if one of us finds something out, we try to tell the others.

– Anonymous

 

I have a son who has ADHD who turned 12 last year. I have been very upfront with his leaders about his issues. When it came time for Scout Camp, they first told me he would be welcome to go, then a couple of weeks later they came to my house to express their concerns about him. They said he could go to camp if his dad could come with him. I told them his dad didn’t have enough vacation days to be able to go, but I was available and could bring my own tent. They weren’t keen on that idea, so that son has never been on a Scout camp out.

– Anonymous

 

I was called as scout committee chair. I loathe scouts, but I accepted and put hours and hours into fixing their non-existent record keeping system and planning Courts of Honor. The Scout Master kept doing things without telling me or doing things that were supposed to be my job. When I brought it up he said “but then I’d have to talk to you and give you the stuff and it is easier to do it myself.” I decided I wouldn’t complain about having less work. Then I was asked to plan an Eagle Scout Court of Honor. I was told they wanted it big to motivate the younger scouts. I planned it over the course of 6 months, to be held when the Scout returned from being an exchange student in Europe. I had arranged for the mayor to attend, received letters of commendation from the current President, Senators, NASA, Mike Rowe, etc. Then I heard someone talking about a Court of Honor that occurred. I asked the Scout Master and he said “oh, [the Scout] came home to visit so I just decided to have his Court of Honor last week.” I emailed the bishop and cc’d the Scout Master and said that there was clearly no reason for me to hold this calling as all of my efforts were wasted and I was cut out of all scouting communication and planning. I asked to be given a different calling where I could actually accomplish something. The response I got was “you can’t be involved in the meetings or planning because we talk about scouts in Priesthood Executive Committee meeting and you can’t attend that. Also, we won’t be releasing you because you have more you need to learn.” They left me in the calling for another year until I refused to sign off on a kid’s board of review for the swimming merit badge (which is required for Eagle scouts) after the Scout Master bragged that the kid couldn’t swim to save his life so he “just walked along the edge of the pool and pulled the kid by the arm for 50 meters so he could pass this off.” They immediately released me…and called my husband.

– Jane

 

Pro Tip: Do what you can to make sure all youth and women are informed and included in activities. Give women the resources and information they need to perform their callings, and respect their time and their work.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

To Be a Witness

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The Annunciation: The Angel Gabriel Appears to Mary (The Annunciation), by John Scott;

By: Risa

Easter has always been my favorite religious holiday. I relish the messages of re-birth, renewal, and hope that Easter brings. I love the reminder that my redeemer lives. “What comfort this sweet sentence gives!” [Hymn #136]. Jesus may have suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane and died on the cross for my sins, but his resurrection demonstrates that through his Grace I can be forgiven and also live again.

In preparation for Easter this year I am observing Lent. For the past few years of observing Lent I have given up a habit that is very difficult for me; but, I’ve also taken the opportunity to read the four Gospels during these 46 days. Over the last few years I have connected with the verse in John 20:16 that testifies of Mary Magdalene as the first to witness the resurrected Christ.

Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!”  (which means “Teacher”).  (NIV)

This verse never stood out to me until the first time I observed Lent. That year I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting on Easter. It’s no surprise to any Latter-day Saint that Easter is not often a celebrated and special holiday in the church. I’ve attended many services on Easter where Easter was never mentioned. In fact, when I was asked to speak that Sunday, I was given the topic of self-reliance. Being the rebel I was, I decided I was going to speak about Easter so that I could testify of a living Christ. I wanted to be a witness of Him. (I found being given the topic of self-reliance ironic considering Easter is all about Grace.)

Mormons do not worship the cross. We are not interested in the crucifixion of Christ because we believe he paid for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane. Because Jesus began to fulfill his mission in the Garden and then completed it when he was resurrected, you would think that Easter would be given much more emphasis in our church meetings.  There are only three hymns in our hymnal dedicated specifically to Easter. To the larger Christian world, Easter is the most important Christian holiday and one that is given much outward displays of ritual and celebration. Easter is the heart of Christianity. Without Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection, the entire doctrine of Christianity fails.  Jesus has risen! This is the “good news” of the Gospel.

With how important Easter is, I have to wonder why it’s merely a blip for Mormons. There is no observation of Lent. There is no Holy week celebrations. There is no Good Friday services. In most wards, there is barely a mention of the sacredness of this day most Easters. A Bishop and Ward Chorister really have to go out of their way to create a significant Easter program for sacrament meeting.

Isn’t it interesting that Jesus’ apostle were not whom he chose to be the first to witness his resurrected body? Many accounts list “the other Mary” or “the Mother of James” and Joanna as two additional witnesses. The Jewish Law of Moses required at least two or three witnesses (Deuteronomy 17:6), a practice that is still in place to witness any saving ordinances for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I have to wonder why Easter is not more significant to Mormons. Is it because we focus more on obedience and works than Grace? Or is it because it was a woman, or three women, who witnessed the resurrected Christ, and not his apostles, that it fails to be more significant to us? Women are never allowed to be witnesses of sacred ordinances in the LDS church. As a mother, I was not allowed to be a witness for my children’s baptism. Blessing an infant isn’t even a saving ordinance, and I was not allowed to be a part of it. Women cannot be a witness to baptisms for the dead or sealings inside the temple, our most sacred place, the Holiest of the Holies. If we embrace and observe Easter and speak about whom Christ chose to be his first witness(es) after his resurrection, will we have to reconcile our doctrine, which keeps women out of performing the duties of a witness?

If Mary Magdalene was holy enough, worthy enough, in a time and place where the status of women was lower than cattle, to be the first person to witness the resurrected Christ, why can’t I be a witness to sacred and saving ordinances? How am I different than Mary Magdalene? Does Christ see the women of the LDS church as fundamentally lacking in honesty and integrity to be a witness to the ordinances that will bring the children of our Heavenly Father back to him for exaltation? And if that were true, why would Jesus choose to make three women a witness to the most important event in Christianity and human history?

This year while I sit in Easter worship services, I’m going to think about and honor those three special women Jesus chose to be the first witnesses to the Resurrected Christ, and know that I can be a witness for Him as well.

 

When Depression Returns…

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Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

On Monday this week, I began ketamine treatments for treatment-resistant depression. I had heard I would get relief much more quickly than with traditional SSRI’s, so I was hopeful. I wrote this yesterday, feeling ready to be done with everything. I was frustrated and tired and angry. But, this morning, I went for my usual mental health run, and I saw the wildflowers on the path. I came home and saw my husband blow drying my daughter’s hair so that it would look just like Violet Baudelaire’s, and those small things brought me joy.

If the following resonates with you, please talk to a loved one, a ward member, a medical professional. Please know you are worthy of being here, and your brain is not giving you an accurate perception of your value. See the end of this post for resources that I have found helpful in my management of this illness.

I set boundaries; I kept them strong and adjusted others.

I worked so hard to not let the depression back into my life.

I was honest (maybe too honest) about my failings and self-doubt.

I meditated and journaled and ran miles.

I moved my running time back so I could make sure I got enough sleep.

I eat the foods that sound good and eat on regular schedules.

I accepted what I could not change and changed what I could.

I prayed and fasted and hoped and had faith.
                Please don’t let this happen again.
                Please don’t let me keep hurting my family and friends.
                Please just let me go back to my old life.

I tried new medicines. I adjusted old ones. I tried acupuncture (and it made me feel so good if only for the day of each treatment), and now, I’m trying a new and radical treatment, which right now, is a blessing only in that it allows me the relief of not hating myself for a couple hours three times a week.

I don’t have as many communities to fall back these days; I dropped a lot of them to “simplify” my life.

I am lucky to still have friends and family who show up, even though I’m not much of a friend or family member anymore. I tell the demons in my head that they don’t hate me.

I’m embarrassed and tired and ashamed.

I had a different plan for this journey. I’m learning to adjust.

There is help; I have to remember to ask for it.

Crisis Text Line
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (chat and phone)
UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC) Guided Meditations: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindf...
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff, https://self-compassion.org/ 
Furiously Happy: a Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson
National Alliance on Mental Ilness: https://www.nami.org/

Book Review: The Book of Abish

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Abish is one of the missionary heroes of The Book of Mormon and also one of only three women whose names are mentioned. Have you ever wanted to know more about her personality, her life, and how she ended up at the king’s court? This book is the story of Abish’s life. While it is fiction, I believe it can remind us that there’s so much more to Abish than what is written in The Book of Mormon.

The foreword says that Abish “plays an important ecclesiastical role that does not require the permission of any man.” It further states that the great message Abish brings is, “You are enough, and you don’t need Nephites, or kings, or fathers, or churches, or men, or anybody else to tell you this because you can trust your own spiritual experiences. And when the time is right, you can change your world.” I love these quotes and I feel that the story definitely speaks this message.

The Book of Abish begins with Abish’s birth and goes through her childhood and then part of her adult years. The story moves pretty fast and towards the end reaches the missionary act that we know of, with Abish rounding up the Lamanites and waking up the queen.

The first part of the story made me so sad. Abish goes through many unfair, difficult trials and certain people turn on her and her family. Reading this story made me think about what the world was probably like during that time. During Abish’s time, the world was a hard place to live in- a much different world than what we’re used to now. Some of the themes that show up in the story are poverty, riches to rags, infertility, deceit, and abuse.

I appreciated that the book was mostly about Abish, her perspective, her actions, and her character. Ammon shows up as well but only towards the end. He’s not the focus of the story. Also, one thing the book points out that’s different about Ammon and Abish, is that since Abish was a Lamanite, she knew the people. She knew the culture and the ways of the people. Ammon would only be there temporarily, but Abish would be with her people forever.

Author Mette Harrison wrote in the book’s afterword that she attempts “to prioritize a female story and not just a male story because I believe that even if the scriptures don’t tell that part of the story, it is there. Women are powerful and find ways to change the world no matter how their society looks on them” (174). Harrison is absolutely right.

I was very pleased with the ending of the book. It truly made up for all the awful things that happened to Abish and her family earlier in the story. I definitely recommend this book to those who love Abish from The Book of Mormon and who would like to explore more about what her life might have been like.

Amazon link

Guest Post: Not an Addendum

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By Birdie

Like many, I read with anticipation about the dedication of the Rome Italy temple. The many pictures and headlines in the news focused on the historic trip with all the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles together outside the state of Utah since 2002 and outside the United States for the first time. Seeing so many males in the iconic pictures, I could not help but wonder: Where was the female leadership of the church? The lack of female leadership of the church in attendance at the historic event portrays to the world that women are an addendum in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

On International Women’s Day, two days before the Rome temple dedication, Sister Jean B. Bingham, Relief Society general president, and Sister Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women general president, finally made a headline; these female leaders were meeting with the First Lady of Ghana on an eleven day tour of West Africa. Sister Bingham and Sister Cordon were making important humanitarian connections, but two of the highest female leaders of the church were not included in the historic dedication of the Rome temple and the meeting with the Pope. On March 11, the church newsroom Facebook account posted another historic photo of the wives of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in front of the temple. Yes, the wives are women who sacrifice time and work incredibly hard with their husbands, but these women are not seen as spiritual leaders based on their own merits; rather, they are addenda to their husbands who are the spiritual leaders of the church. The post stated: “These women accompanied their husbands, members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, for the Rome Italy Temple dedication events.” I appreciate the wives of the leaders; however, the lack of female leaders based on their own merits in attendance at the historic Rome temple dedication and the meeting with the Pope was a lost opportunity.

This lack of female leadership in the global spotlight reminded me of when I attended a regional leadership meeting with Elder Neil L. Andersen at the end of February in Utah County; the discrepancy between male and female leadership opportunities was glaringly obvious. Below is a discussion of some of the nuanced slights and unintended disrespect that concerned me.

Like most leadership conferences, there were short remarks by local leadership, all male. Each of the speakers welcomed the women and expressed joy that women were able to join in the conference. The stake presidents, bishops, and elders quorum presidents had been in a previous two-hour meeting—making the current meeting with the women an addendum. Of the seven people on the stand, only two people were women; they were only there because of a calling they received as a couple (mission president and his wife, temple president and temple matron) with their husband seen as the head of these leadership positions. Having no women on the stand without a husband portrays that women only can reach limited local leadership positions if we have a husband who is a spiritual leader.

There was a wide disparity between the platitudes and actions coming from the speakers. The leaders at this meeting continually told the women that we are strong and good examples, but, in spite of their words, we women do not have as many opportunities to be leaders. Among these platitudes, Elder Andersen remarked, “Sisters: Nothing really happens unless you are involved.” The congregation laughed; I did not find this statement funny. The question must be asked: Why are the sisters needed to get callings done? If responsibilities are left incomplete, we need to consider ways to share the workload, motivate the people responsible with clearer purpose, or find more suited positions for them. If more leadership callings were created for women, the load on the male leadership could be lightened, and men could fulfill more responsibilities of the divine calling of fatherhood.

The opening remarks were followed by an hour-long question and answer period. An equal number of males and females asked the questions, but answers came from mostly male leaders. The mission president and his wife and the temple president and temple matron all answered questions, but in both cases the husband spoke first and commented about their wives having the best ideas. These compliments were brushed off by the sisters themselves—shaking their heads and denying it. The wives did not own up to their own spiritual strength and leadership abilities. They acted as if they were only an addendum to their husbands, not a spiritual leader of their own standing. Elder Andersen directly asked the other male leaders to answer specific questions, but the women gave brief answers as an addendum to answers already given. Women, we need to acknowledge our own spiritual leadership abilities, our own power, if we hope to see more opportunities open to us.

Twice during the question period, Elder Andersen opened the discussion to the congregation asking for our thoughts as local leaders. One Relief Society president of a Spanish ward gave a beautiful answer, but that was the last time a woman from the congregation was given the opportunity to give counsel. Elder Andersen specifically asked to hear twice from a bishop and twice from a stake president—allowing any man to raise his hand regardless of his calling, since the speakers did not know all the local bishops and stake presidents. By asking for people from these specific callings, Elder Andersen cut women out of the discussion and implied that women were merely addenda. With half the audience censored due to gender, Elder Andersen limited the perspectives shared.

When it came to the end of the hour, the leaders asked for one final question which came from a young women’s president. She asked how to better support young women in her ward whose families were going through divorce. The mission president’s wife (even that title is an addendum) jumped up to answer the question, having grown up in a family whose parents were divorced. Before she could talk, a member of the seventy said: “Oh yes, sister, take thirty seconds, then we will turn the time over to Elder Andersen.” It was disheartening that the mission president’s wife only had such a short time to express her insight that the “young women can be leaders in and a strength to their families during difficult times.” She gave a beautiful answer about young women being spiritual leaders. It was powerful; it was heartfelt; it was inspired.

After the sister’s comments, Elder Andersen asked another member of the seventy to give an additional answer. This leader also had parents who divorced, and he talked about his mother’s faith in Christ that their family of six would be able to provide for themselves. Elder Andersen asked him to add more, after the women was given only thirty seconds. The member of the seventy fumbled around to add more; then the last thirty minutes of the meeting were turned over to Elder Andersen. I was shocked that with so much time remaining in the meeting, a leader had put a time limit of thirty seconds when a woman got up to speak on her own. To add to my disbelief, Elder Andersen talked about how great the male leader’s perspective was on helping youth deal with divorce. Elder Andersen did not once mention the mission president’s wife’s answer about building young women to be spiritual leaders in their homes. Elder Andersen, again, expressed gratitude for the women for joining the conference—mere platitudes when time limits were given and a women’s inspired words were ignored.

Elder Andersen proudly declared, “If the church was turned over to the women, the church would do great, but the men would not. The men need to be in these roles to be forced to think about the things the women do naturally.” I was aghast at the narrow thinking that allowing women to thrive hurts men. Having women in leadership positions teaches young girls and boys that every person is a child of God, who has value for who she or he is as a person. Women should be valued as individuals not just for their roles as wives, mothers, daughters, or sisters. The church as a whole would instead be raised up if women held more leadership positions.

Women, we are not an addenda to our husbands. We are spiritual leaders, and we need to start acting like it. We need to build each other up and help each other reach our full potential.

Men, stop just telling women how valuable they are, but truly give women opportunities to showcase their leadership abilities. Give women more opportunities to speak without preface and on their own merits. Truly hear, acknowledge, and then apply ideas given by women.

I hope that through this discussion, women will own up to their own spiritual power and knowledge. Women will have more opportunities to speak and lead based on their own merits, not because of their husbands’ callings. Leaders will be more conscious to make words and phrases inclusive, not exclusive. We must stop perpetuating ideas that women are the only ones who get things done or that men are hurt by more women having leadership opportunities and start empowering men to embrace their divine calling of fatherhood. Women are more than an addendum: We are separate individuals who make valuable contributions. Women should not be an addendum, anymore.

 

Birdie is a mother of two boys, teacher, and beginning ballet student.

God-centered or Church-centered

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Living in the eastern US, we do do not hear, in person, from members of the Seventy or other GAs very often.  So when Lawrence Corbridge, of the Seventy, presided at our stake conference, I attended both Saturday night and Sunday morning sessions. I found him to be sincere, maybe a little travel-weary, genuine, likable and wanting the best for us and for his own family.

He spoke to us about some personal interactions he had recently.  A woman told him her husband had seen an episode of South Park on Comedy Central,  in which Joseph Smith is depicted looking into a hat as he translated the Book of Mormon.  The husband was devastated to find it was true. Within a few weeks the husband had not only left the church, but left God as well. The husband’s concept of God and Church were so entwined he lost his faith in both.

He then challenged us to have God-centered homes rather than Church-centered homes.  He reflected on the manner in which he and his wife had raised their family, admitting it was a church-centered home, but realizing it wasn’t too late to teach new things to his adult children.  He explained the importance of having a relationship with God, in addition to being a member of the church. He cautioned against being busy with church activity and not anxiously engaged with God.    He was saying (in my words) that if you decide to leave the church, please don’t leave God. Recognize there is a difference. I freely admit I did not take notes during his talk, so these are my reflections after the fact.  These are the impressions left on me. He was saying there is plenty of information available that might rock your boat, but Jesus is Jesus regardless of the controversies swirling around us.

Make no mistake, at our stake conference, he bore a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon and the restoration of the church. Yet he seemed to be saying that everyone who delves into the messiness of the church doesn’t emerge with their testimonies intact, as least not in the same way they were before the delve. He was asking us to deconflate the church with God.

I looked up Elder Corbridge  and read the devotional (several times) he gave at BYU on 1.22.19.  

In this talk, Stand Forever with Faith, he explained one of his assignments in recent years was to read all the material that is antagonistic to the church, Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon and the events of the restoration.  This process resulted in gloom, which he recognized as the absence of the Spirit of God. Once his assignment was completed he happily stayed away from that material. Yet, in my opinion, the effect has lingered with him, as evidenced by his BYU devotional address and his address to us at stake conference.

Many of us can relate to the feelings that follow an in depth study of  the fuller historical aspects of our church and the current lightning rod issues.  It can be a shock on many levels, which is why I found his message so applicable to me.

Our children were also raised in a Church-centered home with our calendar and activities centered around our callings, and our children’s church activities.  There were plenty of school activities and music lessons as well, but Church seems to be the driving force. During my children’s youth, I was still a new member myself, learning how to fit in.  I didn’t really differentiate between God and Church. I didn’t need to. I didn’t think about it at all. I was happy. But eventually our children grew up and I grew up with them in terms of my understanding of certain doctrines and historical events.  I began to see the difference between God and Church. I explored it and continue to explore it, which opens up space.

Getting back to Elder Corbridge’s message…

What does it really mean to have a God-Centered versus Church-centered home?  

First of all we should clarify the meaning of church.  I think Elder Corbridge was referring to Church (capital C) meaning the large infrastructure extending from SLC to our local wards, including all the ordinances, callings, programs, responsibilities involved with being a member.   Alternatively church (with a small c) could represent the body of members, the people, the community of Christ. When he said to be God-centered rather than Church-centered, I think he was referring to Church with a capital C.

Is it the same as spiritual verses religious? Maybe, but not exactly.  There are many ways to be spiritual and some of them, but not all, involve God.   What does it mean to be spiritual? What does it mean to be Godly?

Quite a few years ago, I had an epiphany.  I was deep in reflection about God and Church and church and where I fit in. I asked, “What is it all about?   What is the message that God and Jesus are teaching us?” The answer came softly and clearly to me. “Love. Just love.”  God is Love. God wants us to be loved and to love others. It was quite simple, yet profound.

This is not rocket science.  The New Testament is filled with this message, but it seemed a personal answer to a sincere question for me; like seeing a hidden message emerge inside a picture you‘ve been looking at a long time.

How do we operationalize God-centeredness?

Here’s a few ideas.

Develop a testimony that Christ and his message are truth.

Develop a desire to serve rather than a duty to serve.

Develop a personal prayer/meditative/contemplative practice in whatever way works.

See that yesterday’s Church is not the same as today’s Church or tomorrow’s Church.

See the Church as an instrument to lift the church, but fallible, because it is made of people.

Value the ordinances/sacraments offered to us when and if you’re ready and if you find them meaningful.

Remember that God loves us because God is love.  We do not need to earn that love. It is a free gift and all are worthy of it.

Prioritize your family time and extended family time, even if that means missing church once in a while.

Develop a home-centered, Church supported spiritual life

Discussion:

How would you describe the difference between God-centered and Church-centered?

How has a fuller understanding of the complexities of our Church and church influenced the way you center yourself?

How and when do you feel Godly love?

(artwork by Anne Trombetta)

Sacred Music Sunday: I Danced in the Morning

[image error]Photo by Adriana Aceves on Unsplash

I Danced in the Morning, also called Lord of the Dance is a hymn by Sydney Carter written in 1963. The hymn uses dance as a metaphor for the life and ministry of Jesus. I really like the metaphor because it’s a reminder that the gospel is supposed to be joyful. Plus, it speaks to me because of my background as a dancer.

The tune has been used in multiple settings. Originally, it was used in the 19th century Shaker hymn Simple Gifts. Aaron Copland also used it as the theme for the ballet Appalachian Spring. It’s also the main musical theme for Michael Flatley’s dance show Lord of the Dance, though this hymn predates the dance show by a few decades.

A handful of Christian denominations view dancing as sinful, but I’m grateful that we’re not among them. As cheesy as roadshows and dance festivals are, and as cringe-worthy as singles dances are, I’m glad we have a theology of the body that embraces dance. God made us embodied, and we can rejoice in our corporeal nature.